


From The Ashes

by Alice_Marie



Series: Star Wars [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Armitage Hux Has Issues, Badass Rey, Betrayal, Blood and Violence, Character Death, Dark Side Rey, Disobeying Orders, Dominant Armitage Hux, Drama & Romance, Emperor Hux, Emperor Kylo Ren, Eventual Relationships, F/M, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghost Anakin Skywalker, Force Lightning, Force Training, Hux Backstory, Hux Has No Chill, Hux is Not Nice, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren and Rey Are Not Related, M/M, Military Training, Multi, My First AO3 Post, Near Death Experiences, Obsession, Original Character Death(s), Other, Poor Hux, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Psychological Torture, Rebellion, Rey Needs A Hug, Sad and Sweet, Slow Burn Rey/Kylo Ren, Stormtrooper Culture, Tension, That's Not How The Force Works, The Dark Side of the Force, Third Wheels, Undercover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2019-07-27 22:26:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 70
Words: 260,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16228559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_Marie/pseuds/Alice_Marie
Summary: Set after the events of TLJ - Ben leads the First Order as Supreme Leader and Rey struggles to find her place in this new chapter of the galaxy.The Force inexorably draws them together. Now in a situation fraught with ever present danger - they must survive under the watchful eye of General Hux as they learn that the past does not always die so easily.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! I’m Alice! 
> 
> Welcome to a glorious rabbit hole of Star Wars sequel trilogy fiction, -a written collaboration created by Marie and myself. I cannot praise my fellow writer enough. Her creative skills have truly helped my own to flourish and I can safely say, that should you wish to join us on this roller-coaster of emotion, mayhem and adventure, you could not be in better hands than hers. 
> 
> As for myself; a young writer, artist and actress, it has always seemed in my nature to seek out sources of passion and exploration, especially within fictional universes. Star Wars is a special case. It is a fiction I never would have guessed I would become so invested in, until I finally got my hands on the Force Awakens, and not long after, saw the Last Jedi for the first time. I was hooked. It wasn't long before I was browsing sites and forums, delighted to find so many others like myself who appreciated these characters and loved this type of content. Everything changed when I read a passage in the comments written by Marie, with a proposal: asking if anyone might be interested in a role-play format of writing.
> 
> Best decision ever. Her creativity won me over and we started to write together. Once I started, it was impossible to stop. I was blessed to be given the voices within this story of the characters Kylo Ren/Ben Solo and General Hux. This story was more powerful than I ever could have anticipated; moving me to tears, filling me with joy, improving my writing and capturing my heart and my soul. This is now often the reason why I am so eager to wake up in the morning and so reluctant to go back to sleep. My only hope is that this enjoyment can be shared with any of you and even for the possibility, I am grateful. So, if you've found this, just, thank you. Have fun and make sure you’re armed with your lightsabers and your wits. You're going to need both. 
> 
> ~~~~~~
> 
> Hello! I’m Marie! 
> 
> I had a life changing experience back in December 2017 - I saw The Last Jedi (and then had to go back for about four more helpings, dragging anyone along that I could!). It was amazing! A fire was lit in my soul, where for so long, there had been darkness and decay xD (I legitimately didn’t think there was any way Hux could have gotten to Ben there at the end of TFA in time before that epic explosion and so thought that Kylo was gone… I was an idiot haha)
> 
> A second life changing experience took place when I put a call out for other people who liked writing and through the wonder of technology and the internet, I met Alice - whom I am honored and blessed to be able to write with and has swift become a most dearest and treasured friend! Woo!!! And on April 11 (Happy Birthday Shepard!) 2018, our baby was born xD THIS baby! I have laughed and cried and swooned during this journey! Fallen in love and into hate! Writing this with Alice and the multitude of tendril-like offshoots has truly broadened my mind and in many ways, I think has made be a better person in daily life!
> 
> I hope that you, dear reader, shall accompany us on this adventure and find yourself equally entertained! Our goal is to post two chapters a week….. If not more - and that will keep us going well into next year with more to follow as this story is not yet finished! <3 Thank you for your time and please enjoy the ride! Please keep your arms and legs inside the carriage at all times!
> 
> Yours,  
> Marie - the voice of Rey, and some other characters you’ll meet along the way!
> 
> P.S. The format may take a little time to become accustomed to - I spent much of my youth on RP forum sites and this story was written in a similar format. It allows for a deeper connection (in my opinion) with characters and their interactions with one another!
> 
> Also - we’ve done our best with editing - there is so much content and we’re super keen to get it to you, so apologies in advance if anything has escaped our notice! If you have a masochistic streak and wish to have a preview of the 350k+ words we have already written and wish to lend us your beta reading/editing skills, please let us know! <3

                             Chapter 1  


"We have everything we need... Right here."

Leia's hand had been so warm and comforting on her own as she closed her fingers over the broken hilt of Anakin Skywalker's lightsaber. Rey offered her a small smile, it hadn't quite made its way to her eyes. She had her doubts, of course. She was certain they all did. What were thirty people going to do to the colossal First Order? They were a blade of grass in the face of a hurricane.

She'd retired for the evening, sitting in the corner of the Millennium Falcon. Quarters were cramped with all the extra bodies aboard. Privacy was... A soon to be forgotten relic. She curled up with a blanket, head resting against cool metal as she closed her eyes and tried to sleep.

It resisted her, filling the backs of her eyelids with visions of him. His face, his eyes... The way his lips moved, the sweat clinging to his hair... His soft voice. The brutality of his fight with Luke... The emptiness - the way he looked up at her.

When she woke, she found her cheeks were damp with tears.

~~

Months and months had passed. As it turns out, the strategy that Leia chose to adopt was not to fight the First Order head on. There had been so many debates, so many meetings that had started in one afternoon only to be adjourned in the wee hours of the following day. Most of it went over Rey's head. She was no soldier. She was no General. Strategy was not her strong point. It did not take the others long to come to agreement on the matter. She was excused, for the most part, from being expected to voice her opinion. It freed her up time. Hardly a blessing in disguise, there was little to occupy it. Nearly everyone else was engaged in discussing strategy. Making plans.

She trained alone as best she could. When she wasn't practicing her saber forms, a difficult feat considering the cramped space, she sat beside Chewbacca if Poe was not insisting on sharing the cockpit with him. Chewie was a comfort but hardly an engaging conversationalist.

Often it was silence that would fill the small space as she sat with her knees tucked up to her chest, staring out into the endless sea of stars and darkness. When it came time to vacate the seat, she'd find a nook to curl up in, attempting to study the ancient Jedi texts. But her mind would stray to him... To Ben. Every time she did, the thoughts would conjure up a dull ache in her chest.

Regret.

She wanted to reach out to him, but she was scared. Leia was sensitive to the Force, Rey was worried she would feel any attempt to bridge the gap between herself and Ben. Everyone was on edge after what had happened on Crait. Finn told her what Leia had said to Luke... That she'd finally given up on her son. The fact that she herself had not done so was a fact she felt necessary to keep to herself. Lest they force her to act against him in some way, to manipulate this... This connection.

Everyday, it was a dagger burrowing deeper and deeper into her heart. She had thought she wouldn't be alone amongst the Rebellion and the people she thought might be her friends but even though the ship was more populated than ever, she felt further and further removed. It hurt to think that he might be feeling the same.

At night, she would dream of him. But the body she held in her arms was never there when she woke up.

Alone.

~~

They'd had to abandon the Falcon. It was too easily recognizable and the First Order would no doubt have a bounty on it. The decision was to hide it rather than destroy it. A conclusion had finally been reached. The trigger finally pulled. They'd tried for decades to fight the First Order head on, with fleets that were now obliterated, the wreckage of which was likely still floating in space - suspended in the lack of gravity. A change in strategy was in order.

Infiltrate, subvert... Decimate. They were few, so they would have to be more clever. Guerrilla tactics were discussed. A decision had been made to separate. Communication tokens had been passed around and each was given a mission with the understanding that there would be radio silence. For months, possibly longer.

Leia took Rey aside, an arm around her shoulder as she guided her away from the small throng of their tiny resistance. She cast a look over her shoulder at the small knot of people. They did not notice her departure, heads together as they talked about their individual strategies and began saying their goodbyes.

They had stopped walking, Rey hadn't noticed until she felt a small pull on her arm. When she turned back, Leia was regarding her with a calm expression. Something akin to sympathy on her wizened features. Rey bit her lower lip, shifting her weight from one leg to the other, unsure of what she might say.

"Rey, you must complete your training. When the time comes, you must be strong enough to face whatever comes." She didn't have to say it, the way her expression became sad and dark all at once was enough for Rey. Strong enough to face her son.

"I... How? There are no mast-"

Leia raised her hand to silence her. Rey sighed softly, crossing her arms. Reluctantly, she nodded her head.So, that was her mission. Travel alone. Be alone. Teach herself. Like she'd always done. An island in an endless sea. Ben had thought the island she saw at night was a location, someplace she wanted to go. But it was her. She was the island. Resolute. She imagined herself to be unbreakable, enduring... A lone island in a vast empty sea.

"Fine." She reached out to take the communicator that Leia offered her.

"Go tell them farewell, if you must, child... The sooner you start this journey, the better."

~~

The days had begun to blur together - her search for a way to use what cracked pieces of the kyber crystal remained had not garnered any results to show for her labour. She was getting tired of trying to decipher the texts. Everyone else had been given far more pertinent missions. What was she going to accomplish? Their missions were to strengthen the resistance... Her mission was to strengthen herself. She was sick of it. Did they think she'd really just settle for being a figurehead? A token... A symbol?

Hardly.

Reconnaissance was a lot harder than she had anticipated. Most of the time she was half giddy from adrenaline and fear of getting caught. Both by the First Order and the Resistance... She'd found a First Order installation. Small, she could start small. So far removed from the other systems, no doubt, no one would think of this outpost as significant. She'd figure out what she was going to do as she went along. Adapting and improvisation was her life. Why should this be any different?

She managed to secure a job at a popular bar for First Order soldiers breaking regulations. Stealing the armor had been a waiting game... Waiting for enough time to lapse for them to forget that armor pieces had gone missing had been a test of her patience. Slipping in amongst the many faceless soldiers clad in identical armor was not as hard, but not getting caught with her helmet off was significantly more tricky - the first time she'd had to remove her helmet in front of the others had been terrifying, but also reassuring. No one looked at her twice - a nobody, blended right in. Looking like she knew what she was doing... Much easier than she'd imagined, the ability to use the Force to look into memories was a massive boon.

"GET UP!"

She scrambled to her feet, snapping to attention as the superior officer screamed at her and the other stormtrooper beside her. They'd been idling in the afternoon sun, sitting down for a moment and sharing a moment of pleasant silence. One thing she had determined, was the First Order was so massive that the head rarely knew what the hands were doing. Helpful for sneaking in but it wasn't really getting her anywhere. She'd learned of a couple troop movements but as grunts... This outpost didn't seem to know anything at all.

Perhaps it was intentional. Or it meant the enemy they were fighting were highly disorganized. Each had its own set of pros and cons.

"Parade formation. Now."

Two identical helmets turned slowly to regard each other for a moment before the CO screamed at them to get their boots moving.

The base was more of a large sprawling barracks. A garrison to hold soldiers until they were ready to mobilize. In the center was a large courtyard styled parade ground. Already, most of the troopers were organized into neat rows and again into perfect squares. She and the other stormtrooper snuck into the back, standing together. A quick glance at the others in front made her take another small step to the left. If they were the only ones that stood out... She swallowed hard. The sun beat down on them, even in the suit she could feel sweat beginning to bead on her flesh.

She couldn't help but wonder, what was going on? This was new, they hadn't done this before... At least, not while she had been observing them and mixing in with the troops...

  
~~~

 

Ben should have felt… fulfilled, victorious, or at least something close to content with himself. He had accepted long ago that happiness was not in his nature, yet it wasn't hard to be reminded with all he saw and experienced that he had theoretically achieved everything he had ever wanted. The death of Snoke had liberated him. He was neither chained to servitude, nor legacy, nor any master’s expectation. His father and uncle were no longer present in the world to rule over him. His past was finally dead, the future, from its appearance at least, was vast and full of possibility. He was finally his own master, and even better, the master of everyone around him. Fear, respect and rumour followed him wherever he went. He had become a legend to the Galaxy and the immense power of the First Order was at his fingertips. 

Still, it remained an ever-present and painful fact that Ben was not fulfilled. He was a husk. A Droid with only half the programming. He did not feel free, and despite repeatedly telling himself when he looked in the mirror that this was the face of the new Supreme Leader, he did not even feel powerful. He couldn't see anything in that mirror except for something broken; highlighted in the crack of his scar. He was no longer the child in the mask that Snoke had ridiculed him for being, yet he still wasn't the man that he had longed to become. So who was he? He did not know the answer.

The days and the nights had become one and the same; a consequence of living in the stars. Ben spent these long periods of time in all the luxury that the First Order could afford. The title of Supreme Leader had its small advantages after all: he possessed multiple large, empty rooms with huge beds and heavy, velvet, black curtains framing impressive views of those distant planets. Those burning, unreachable stars he was to rule over. He would look at the landscape of those random constellations when he couldn't sleep. He wasn't able to sleep most nights. If he closed his eyes for more than a minute... _she_ would be there.

She was so close that he felt he could reach out and touch her. Just like how they had touched hands in front of the fire that night. She was so real, so visceral and warm. He could close his eyes, and see her form: bright, full of life and uncompromising; a harsh beam of light that pierced deep into the recesses of his most private thoughts. She was strong and full of fire, full of both judgement and benevolence. He could still remember the steely look of her hazel eyes so vividly from when they had last seen each other, and just the thought of it turned him weak and full of shame. Why did it feel so easy for her to leave him when he spent his every hour searching… opening his eyes and wondering if he might see her there? Ben wished it were as easy for him to shut her out. To forget her, as she had forgotten him.

Nevertheless, he had to try. The whole galaxy was looking to him to be the leader he was rumoured to be: a dark master different from any other that had come before him. Even differing from his grandfather, because unlike Darth Vader, Ben had a human face. A face, that since he had abandoned his mask, everyone knew.

Snoke’s death wasn't just a liberation solely in Ben’s favour. Hux, for example, was far bolder than Kylo had ever seen him. Even the rest of the First Order officers were growing in confidence. The Galaxy feared the name of Ren, but this fear was mixed with a frenzy of anticipation, peculiar excitement, amounting to a building tension, that rose with every passing week like a river about to flood its banks. The higher ranks of the First Order were a pack of starving beasts, drooling at the mouth with the very possibility of power. The would be ready, at any opportune moment, to pounce on Ben’s mistakes and rip him into pieces. Day by day, his hold on the Order would be tested; a fierce plucking of a string of elastic to see if he could snap under the pressure. Well, Kylo wouldn't let it happen.

He had tried to stay focused, even with her at the back of his mind. Blink, and he would see her wisps of hair kissing the cheekbones of her face, her pastel lips parted in those precious moments; the moments when she was ready to hear him, to walk with him, to soothe him with her softer doe-like look…

“...Supreme Leader Ren.”

Kylo froze. He cursed himself. He hadn't been listening, even after his previous conviction to stay focused, he had nonetheless been distracted by her image once again. Hux was staring at him expectantly.

“Are you ready?” Hux questioned sharply, as if he were an idiot. Perhaps he was. Ben grit his teeth. The eyes of the First Order officers were set on him expectantly.

“Of course,” He stated calmly, though his thoughts were desperately racing through what they had just been talking about. He supposed he could just take a subtle peek into the minds of those around him…

Oh, yes. They were talking about making the rounds that Ben had got so bored of. This had been going on tediously for months. For the first few weeks it was simple: standing up in front of a crowd of stormtroopers, presenting his doctrines as the new Supreme Leader, Hux announcing more plans to keep building up arms, not that there was even army to fight. It was for this reason that Kylo was beginning to feel like there was no point to these shows of strength apart from boosting morale and keeping the rest of the Galaxy afraid. Ben was so...tired of it all. He held no enthusiasm for his empty daily duties, yet the officers around him, the Order itself, was full of an endless and devastating energy. Hux wanted to expand their influence, even in the furthest corners of the Galaxy. Soon nowhere would be left untouched. No corner without search. A new Empire.

“Good,” Hux continued. “We’ll start work in the installations of the outer rim territories. Any trace of the Resistance will have no place to-”

“-The Resistance is insignificant at this point,” Kylo interrupted. “We need to assert our dominance in this Galaxy and if that means expanding our rule and building arms then that is what we’ll do.” 

A stiff silence emerged. In the end it didn't matter what any of them thought. Kylo’s words were the law. It didn't stop Hux glaring at him. The General watched his every move like a hawk: from going to his chambers, to his words and behavior in every meeting.

They both knew that the girl, even with all the power of the Jedi, would not have been able to slaughter the red guards, Snoke and knock out Ben all by herself. They both knew the truth... Ben was sure of it, and Hux must also have known that Ben was in no rush to find and murder either Rey or his mother. No, Ben wasn't ready... not for that.

~~

It went as planned. They made endless visits, endless speeches, endless negotiations and invasion strategies, dominating and monitoring any isolated communities. No stone unturned. Kylo did his best to be invested despite the heaviness that followed him. He felt often like his own shadow: an empty, hollow shape. Most of his words to the troopers flew by like a sequence of dreams.

He found himself, eventually, in front of a parade of stormtroopers like every other, under a boiling sun. He took deep breaths and tried not to feel suffocated by his heavy black robes. Public speaking was no trial for him, but something wouldn't leave the back of his mind. A kind of... familiar presence. He gazed over the crowd. Why was he feeling this way? Why was he feeling like…

...Like she was there?

Ben wiped the sweat from his brow. It was just the heat getting to him. It must have been. He couldn't afford be distracted, not by his thoughts of her, not again. He had to just repeat the words. If he remembered the words, it would be fine.

“... we will bring the gift of our strength and our law to all of the galaxy. No longer will anarchy and chaos reign in the outer rim without the strong hand of our order to guide them. We are entering a new age. From the ashes of an Empire, a purer rule. From the ashes of our past, a better future.”

The rest of the words slipped out like a running tap. Kylo was glad to have got through it. He didn't have the patience, not in the heat like this. Snoke would never have done anything public like this, but Kylo wanted to be better. The First Order... but with a human face. 

Why did he feel… like this mattered? Why could he still feel her presence watching him somehow? He couldn't help himself, as Hux carried on with the announcements, he crept into the background and the shade of the grand platform. He realised his heart was speeding. This hadn't happened before, not with any of the other rounds. He took a drink of water and turned his back on the officers who were present, anxious not to reveal his building nervousness. After a minute of contemplation and catching his breath, he scanned each one of the stormtroopers in turn, until his eyes fixed on a spot at the back. It couldn't be. He had to be dreaming. It was almost definitely the heat and the stress. Yet he could not look away from that stormtrooper at the back of the crowd.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The troops stood listlessly in the hot sun. There was an awful lot of activity - the higher ranking officers were moving towards the front of the parade grounds making a formation of their own. The stage had been extended and was a great deal wider than Rey had estimated during her earlier inspections of the base. For all their faults, the First Order certainly did seem to have a cunning grasp on engineering. Admiration of design aside, she could not ignore the fact that the air was growing decidedly more tense.

"What's going on?" She spoke in a hushed whisper, risking the opportunity to lean to the side and address one of the troopers who had been in formation when she and her patrol mate arrived. The hardest part, she realised, was that the longer she stayed amongst the soldiers of the First Order, the delusion she'd held that they were all faceless monsters was rapidly crumbling. There were a number of them on the base here that were dangerously toeing the line of becoming something akin to friends. It should have been impossible but she was beginning to recognise them in spite of their identical armor. It was a worrying revelation. It made it harder for her to see the lines of division between what she had presumed was black and white.

Not that she'd truly had a good grasp of the scope of the war. She'd only heard rumours of dark deeds - the forced slavery, war profiteering, kidnapping of children... Fodder for the gossips on Jakku and at the time it had seemed irrelevant to her - she had always thought her life would begin and end on Jakku where nothing significant ever happened. Everything had seemed so far away, almost unreal. Like a holo-play put on for the entertainment of tired scavengers to break up the soul crushing monotony of their lives. Her view of the galaxy had been so small. In many ways, it still was. She had only step foot on a total of planets, the number of which she could count on one hand.

And what did she know of galactic warfare? She'd aligned herself with Finn even though he had lied initially because he had been... Well, friendly. An experience she'd never really had before. The fact that her first encounters with the First Order had been their soldiers firing their blasters at her had helped cement her decision. Plus, the affection she'd developed for the little spherical orange and white droid had also been a deciding factor. 

Far too often, she felt like a child - blindly stumbling through this new and chaotic life that been thrust upon her. Like she was playing a game, unwittingly becoming a pawn on a board of which she had no understanding of the rules. Even discovering a connection to the Force had deprived her of clarity - serving only to obscure her perception of the galaxy further. There was an awful lot of pressure and importance being placed on her slim shoulders that she did not comprehend. 

Jedis had been legend as far as she was concerned and after encountering Luke, she had begun to doubt much of what she had heard... Even the name she'd plucked from Ben's mind when he had sought to interrogate her had not carried the gravitas that perhaps it ought to.... Vader and the breadth of his legacy was largely a mystery to her.

"Not sure. Someone important must be coming." The soldier beside her answered, keeping his face aligned perfectly front and centre. She mirrored him, straightening her shoulders. That was ridiculous. This planet was so obscure... They troops as far as she could tell, were here only to assert the presence of the First Order and protect a few convoys of materials that were flown in and out every couple of weeks. A bizarre helping hand for a relatively small community on an otherwise unremarkable planet. Perhaps she needed to organise a trip off base - check in with her former boss, Lil, and see if any developments had occurred in her absence...

"Why?" She couldn't help herself, curiosity and a rising feeling of apprehension compelled her to speak. A sharp crack on the back of her helmet made her stumble forward a step or two, nearly colliding with the back of the soldier in front of her. She grunted, teeth clenching as she turned her head slowly to look over her shoulder. One of the officers had come up upon them without her noticing! How foolish of her! He held his service pistol in hand - clearly the source of her pain had been the butt end of it.

"Designation KR-0117! Shut up! No talking! The S-" He paused - the air crackled and exploded with a sound like thunder. With the absence of cloud cover, it was unlikely a natural occurrence. She blinked upwards - a massive ship had dropped out of orbit. It hovered in the air nearby, casting a shadow on the rest of the barracks. A pity it hadn't been a few feet to the left. Might have given them a moment of relief. It seemed she was fated to forever seek out planets scorched by unforgiving rays of sun. Not that she minded, she had been born of sun and sand, it seemed - she had an advantage here over many of the other troopers. She knew how to not only survive in the harsh conditions but to thrive, if it came to it.

"Get back into line and not a word! I will not have them thinking my soldiers are insubordinate! " The officer growled, hurriedly making his way to the front of the parade grounds to take his place with the others of significant rank. She felt a twist of amusement - they all had the pleasure of calling orders and making demands but their faces were left unprotected and try as they might to stand stoically, she could see how miserable they were, sweat staining their uniforms. The armor at least had a temperature regulator - necessary for their space travel and keeping them from freezing or burning during deployment. She could stand there all damned day, though she did rather hope she would not have to.

There were more sounds coming from the massive cruiser. A smaller craft had launched from the massive ship - larger than a destroyer… Larger than the Supremacy! The smaller shuttle was descending gracefully down to the landing ports. Her heart skipped a beat, eyes widening as she stared in mute horror and shock. It was familiar to her. Kylo Ren's command shuttle. It's long pointed wings were nigh on impossible to forget.

"I... Require the..." She took a step back, panic quickened her pulse. The soldiers beside her stared in bewilderment. The squadron leader turned, pushing through the row before her and seized the lip of her pauldron. She pulled her back into formation with a rather severe degree of roughness that Rey found herself nearly pulled off balance.

"You require nothing, KR-0117! You move again and I will personally see you handed over for disciplinary action. If you want to know what reconditioning detention is like, you just keep acting out of order!" She hissed, releasing her grip and returning to her position at the front of the line. Rey swallowed hard, resuming the correct posture, thankful for the helmet hiding the wide eyed look of panic on her features.

"Ben!" She gasped before she could stop herself.

"What?" The other trooper craned his head, spotting the shuttle.

"Uh- that's Kylo Ren!" She whispered to the trooper beside her. Minutes later she was bereft of words. She could only stare as his form cut impressively across the stage to take his place behind the podium. Her heart beat faster at the sight of him. Tall, stately... He looked every bit the Supreme Leader that they all hailed him as, calling his title and snapping to attention. She was lucky enough to have caught on quickly so that her own salute was in time with the others. They all stood, hands raised until the gesture was returned and they returned to attention.

Rey was grateful for the one way visors. They allowed the soldiers to appear a faceless unit, assuming that all eyes would be on the Supreme Leader who addressed them all with words that... Movement to his right caught her attention - the garrison leader was speaking to the red haired General softly as Kylo Ren addressed the troops. Was that standard protocol, she wondered? Either way, it was not worth risking having to attend the dreaded reformation seminars if the squadron leader caught her staring off into space. The slightest tilt of her helmet would give her away.

She swallowed hard, turning her focus back towards Ben. She had not seen him since that fateful day. Not in any meaningful way, her dreams of him had hardly done anything to address the dizzying array of tumultuous emotions that had been left in the wake of their battle together in Snoke's throne room or their distressing separation on Crait . She watched him wipe his brow, wondering briefly where he had been born. Was it a city? Regulated temperature and climate control? A sprawling, lush green planet? Or one covered in snow like the Starkiller base? She did not think it would be from a desert planet or else his chosen wardrobe might have been different.

She caught snippets of his speech, in between moments of worry, dread, concern, and a great deal many thoughts vying for her attention. The way he spoke... The vision he had... It did not seem.... So awful...

_ ‘From the ashes of our past, a better future.’ _

She could have been part of it. Part of his future... But in every way it looked as though he had succeeded in killing the past and becoming who he believed he was meant to be. Likely, whatever brief moment they had shared, the connection between them was lost in those same ashes. She had inadvertently left him for dead when last they had been together physically. And for washing his hands of his attachments to her, she supposed she could not blame him. 

He appeared to have thrived in her absence, looking just as strong and... And... It took all of her will not to look away from him. She hated the conflict brewing inside her. The complexity was so far removed from her nature - believing herself to be quite simple. He was stepping away from the podium, the flame haired General moved to take his place. She wanted to watch Ben's progress to the side of the stage but she had to keep her eyes locked on the podium as Hux began to address them.

Presentation. Training drills, assessments... Marching.

The words gave her hope - perhaps in the chaos of it all, she could slip away unnoticed. That is, until the quick glance she risked in Ben's direction. She could feel his gaze upon her, somehow. Singling her out amongst the many other faceless soldiers before him. Her fingers twitched at her side, the only outward display of her mounting anxiety. How did he-? The Bond.... Of course! Had it drawn them together once again? Was this the work of the Force? And if so, what did it have in store for them? She had none of the answers, just a growing concern that he might have her brought before him, her helmet removed and... And what then?

Execution, most likely. It made the most sense. Particularly if she was still believed to have slain their last Supreme Leader and especially if he harboured no further good will towards her. She doubted very much that he was in the practice of giving people second chances.

"Break formation!!!" CS-9874 barked, her squadron moved as one. She kept up, barely a step behind. Truth be told, it would have been hard to notice the small delay she had from the others with such a large amount of movement on the parade field. They joined with four other squadrons, forming two single file rows, facing the other five squadrons across from them. She knew this formation well enough - presentation.

Presentation! She panicked, paling under the armor as she realised she'd left her rifle up on the wall where she'd been taking a break.

"Easy..." LK-2081's familiar voice came from beside her.

She felt something hard knock into her arm. She glanced to her left and let out a soft sigh of relief. Her patrol mate had at least thought to bring it. She took it quickly, cradling it along the length of her side just as she had seen in the other soldier's minds and snapped to attention, breath catching in her throat as the officers on the platform began to move down the steps. Would he join them them? She tried to slow her breathing, remembering the meditation practices that Luke had tried to teach her so that her chest armor would not be visibly heaving.

~~

Ben’s instincts were screaming for him to go and find that stormtrooper before they could be enveloped into the crowd after Hux’s announcements, but he did nothing except stare. It was as if his limbs had turned into lead.

He had learned to suppress instinct. To think bigger. If this feeling was a random lapse in his emotions and judgement then he would humiliate himself in front of an entire faction and the First Order officers by seeking out an insignificant stormtrooper and unmasking them for no reason. Additionally, if they were truly who he thought they were, Ben would be sentencing Rey to a swift death by revealing her like this, and for reasons that he had failed previously to understand and that made his blood run cold, he couldn't allow himself to do that. 

If the stormtrooper was Rey, then he would want to say more to her than what could be put into words. Yet he the more he considered the subject in his mind, the more he began to ask himself questions, raise doubts even, to make it easier to convince himself that this was only some kind of illusion. Besides, of all places, what would she be doing here? At this very moment? Ben was startled to find that the corners of his lips had turned upward when he realised: that's exactly what she would want him to be asking. She was clever, and so brave... Remarkably brave. 

He realised he was getting carried away by his fantasies. It couldn't be her. Just as he was scolding himself for being so ridiculous, he experienced a peculiar sensation of dejà-vu as a memory surfaced in the forefront of his mind: the day he saw FN2187 staring back at him through the flames and glowing embers of the village on Jakku. Ben remembered he had ignored the signs back then that had led to the actions of a traitor devastating the entirely of the First Order. He wouldn't ignore those signs again, yet he had to be careful of what he would discover... 

For the first time since he had smashed it to pieces, he wished he had his mask and that it could be intact so he could see the trooper’s identity numbers in his visor lense. Instead, he was forced to resort to other measures. He knew he couldn't trust the officers. They would ask questions if Kylo demanded the identity code of a single stormtrooper. The soldiers started to move.

“Presentation formation!”

There was hardly any time for Ben to keep thinking. He didn't take his eyes off the stormtroopers as they drew together in their second format. His eyes, unblinking... locked on that one trooper… 

The First Order officers began to depart from the platform and take the route back to the destroyer. Ben realised he would walk straight past the very stormtrooper he had been watching anxiously. He could hardly feel his legs, yet he followed them. It was too easy to move forward, as if he were being made to move in the stormtrooper’s direction whether he wanted to or not, - a puppet pulled along on strings. He came down the stairs and marched behind the other officers. He was getting more and more tense with every step, anticipating a fateful hour, a collision of some kind. He couldn't understand his own emotions, his own sensations within the force...

Seconds felt like full hours. Then he reached the spot. The stormtrooper was standing right there, close to his side. Ben couldn't help himself. He paused, causing the rest of them to stop and turn in question.

“...I would like some of them to come with us,” Ben stated. “The talent seems wasted here, in the middle of nowhere.

Hux raised an eyebrow.

“Whatever for? I assure you, we have the very best-“

“-what did I tell you about questioning my decisions, General?” Kylo interrupted lowly.

There was an uncomfortable silence. Kylo was suddenly very aware of the eyes watching him. He desperately avoided looking at the stormtrooper he was now half-certain could be Rey. Hux appeared to be just as uncomfortable after Kylo had threatened him in front of a crowd. Rumour and unease spread like wildfire in the First Order.

“...as you command, Supreme Leader,” Hux finally agreed.

The orders were made, and the quarter of the troops that held whom Ben presumed could be Rey were sectioned off and made to follow them, their armour almost blinding in the scorching light. Kylo finally allowed himself to steal another glance at her, at the stormtrooper. He wanted to show her with his eyes... if it was her, that he would make sure she didn't come to harm. He didn't even know what he wanted, or what he would do if it was her. It was all so hopeless… why do anything at all?! They were enemies! He realised he was taking her with him again into the hornet’s nest. 

This time would be different, Ben told himself. This time he would be in control. What would she do now, with that knowledge? If he called her to him… surely, they would just have to start fighting again. He was so exhausted… so tired of fighting. No, she wouldn't fight him. True enough, she would hate him, but she would more likely run than fight. All that Ben knew he wanted was just to see her again in some form, in some way, any way possible. Even taking the most ridiculous of chances just in case it could lead to her. Either that or he had finally succumbed to insanity.

As they returned to the cruiser, Ben tried to keep an eye on where she would move, only for Hux to appear in his direct path, casting a severe shade over his face. Kylo sighed. He did not want to deal with the General under the circumstances. Hux seemed to be particularly eager to frustrate him nonetheless, as he fixed Ben with a fox-like glare.

“If you have something to say, then say it now,” Kylo told him darkly. “We both have work to do.”

“I'm aware,” Hux snapped. He came to the shadow and the cool relief of the inside of the cruiser. Kylo followed reluctantly as the two separated themselves from the watching eyes and waiting ears of the rest of the commanders. “I know they're all afraid of you,” Hux said bitterly in a whisper, “but I am not.” Kylo grit his teeth. “I know what you are. I know what you've done.”

“You don't know anything about me,” Kylo snarled back, his rage dominating his other emotions instantly like a dark cloud smothering sunlight. “And you will not test me. You know what will happen.”

Hux drew in a sharp breath, as if he were trying to cover his own anger, or even anticipating Kylo choking him, but Ben did nothing.

“You are the Supreme Leader,” Hux accepted. “But I swear I will do what must be done to ensure our dominance. If you will not find and kill the remaining Resistance members and General Leia Organa, then I promise you, I will.”

Ben suppressed the urge to ignite his lightsaber and stab Hux through the heart. Yet he knew the General was right. Ben had to ease the First Order’s distress after the legend of Luke’s apparition had spread across the galaxy. The war might have come to an end, but his mother was still out there. The legends of the Jedi were still out there...

“You do what you have to,” Kylo told him. “But if you find my mother, you will not kill her. You will bring her to me.”

“So you can protect her?” Hux mocked.

“So I can kill her… myself,” Ben said. The words were voids, but he knew it would satisfy the General for the moment.

Hux gave Kylo one last lingering and disbelieving scowl, before returning to the officers and commencing orders for takeoff. Ben looked around at the stormtroopers. Where had she gone? His suspect? Had she just heard Kylo’s last words to Hux? Was she listening at all? Had she managed to sneak off before boarding, even? Ben paced slowly around the corners of the room, past control panels, trying to follow the feeling… the pull that he had experienced earlier. His conversation with Hux had distracted him and filled him with his familiar rage.

Kylo often questioned himself. Why keep Hux alive? He knew that there were ultimately two main reasons. The first was that the death of Snoke had spread uncertainty regarding the stability of the Order’s hierarchy. Hux was the one to assure the military that they were just as strong as ever. So many of the soldiers had been born and bred like him. From what Ben could see; they shared his values, his beliefs and they didn't know the powers of the force. Kylo unnerved these people as the outsider: born from the light and adopting the darkness. Hux had always remained one of their own. He was trained with them, he had inspired them. Ben would not be able to predict the consequences of Hux’s death after the effects that Snoke’s death had already had on those who remained loyal to him.

As much as Ben didn't want to confront it or even think of it at all, there was a second, more personal reason as to why he could not kill the General. Kylo respected him. Hux had been his partner for many years, and he had helped him, challenged him, even, to become Kylo Ren fully realised. That, Ben believed, was why Snoke had set them against each other. Hux was like a black mirror of what Kylo knew he he had the potential to become. A cold shell, a machine, a ruthless tactician. The opposite of what Rey drew him to. The opposite of the compassion and humanity that lay as fractured memories from his childhood. 

Ben was continuing his search in the cold metal spaces. He couldn't see her anywhere... he was even beginning to doubt that he had been drawn to the stormtrooper in the first place. The contrast of the cold of the ship to the heat of the day had helped to clarify his thoughts and he realised how foolish he had been. How peculiar and ridiculous his behaviour must have seemed… not that it could matter. Truly… his every action was filled with consequence, yet he felt no consequences in his own life, except for a dull misery. A persistent misery. Misery... that he knew he couldn't ignore forever. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 80+ Hours of Forklift Inductions! 
> 
> (Not really... ;) Does the First Order even HAVE WH&S?)

Within the safety of the confines of her helmet, her lower lip trembled. She understood now, the appeal of concealing one's face. It allowed one to still commune with their humanity when situations called for a more stoic front. But it was something much more animalistic being explored internally in this instance. Her fight or flight instincts were being well and truly tested. As a little girl, she'd been forced to learn the art of evasion. 

Later, she'd discovered she would have to fight. Other scavengers were bigger. Stronger. And had no scruples attacking children if it meant getting more rations to fill their own empty stomachs. Life was hideously cheap on Jakku if you strayed into the wrong territories. So she'd learned how to ambush, to sneak. It wasn't until much later she'd started to take initiative - when she'd been determined to stake her own claims. Necessity had been her teacher and her natural instinct to survive had been her guide. However, none of these lessons seemed likely to assist her in this instance.

Still, it did not stop her from trying to gauge the chances of her survival if she were to break formation and make a run for it. She knew the layout of the barracks well enough. The shock of a trooper acting in such a distinctly disruptive and insubordinate manner might give them a pause just long enough that she could make it behind some cover. But where to go from there? Kylo Ren was here, if a thousand blaster bolts didn't make it into her back, she knew he had the means through the Force to subdue her. It was a plan that would lead to failure, she knew. The certainty of it weighed heavier and heavier with each step the officers made, leading the esteemed guests down the line.

Her heart leapt to her throat as her sidelong gaze caught him in motion. He had joined the other officers. She could feel a cold sweat break out over her skin in spite of the suit's temperature modulators functioning optimally. He halted his steps, right in front of her. It took every ounce of her self control to keep her breathing to a normal pace though she could feel her pulse throbbing in the vein running along the length of her neck. He was so close! She could... Reach out and touch him if she wished to know what public execution would be like. But why had he stopped? The other officers had turned towards him as if to ask the same question.

_ ‘I would like some of them to come with us.’ _

She swallowed hard. What are you doing, Ben?! She wanted to scream but she was forced to remain still and silent. While she was panicked, she could feel excitement and curiosity from her other squad mates. They were keen to leave behind this quiet posting. There was an intensity of emotion emanating from CS-9874 - for her, it would be an honor to join the Supreme Leader on his flagship.

_ ‘Whatever for? I assure you, we have the best -’ _

She held her breath. Perhaps there would be hope. Perhaps he would be dissuaded from this asinine idea! Her hopes were dashed mercilessly as Kylo Ren asserted his authority with a few choice words. Hux turned to the squadron leader and they exchanged some words of their own - the chain of command in motion. She risked a glance at Ben. He was looking right at her. In spite of herself, she moved, if only a fraction backwards. CS-9874 barked her orders, however and they turned about face as a single unit, allowing Rey to tear her eyes away from him and the expression on his face that she could not quite identify. She bored holes of concentration on the back of LK-2081's helmet. She was going to be going deep into enemy territory, her squadron leader had never liked her but at least she had one... Amicable squadmate who would be joining her. It gave her heart, at least.

They marched neatly to the landing ports. The necessary transport shuttles descended from the cavernous belly of the massive cruiser above them. Each step was harder than the last. She was leaving behind more than she could bring herself to acknowledge lest she fall apart. It was her station here that she'd hoped to glean some useful information, to give herself time to formulate a strategy of her own. Granted, she was being forcefully manoeuvred into a position where she might have the opportunity to learn far more than she'd ever anticipated.... Or be caught. And killed. Or used against the rebels to coax them out of hiding... If they cared enough to collect her.

But it was Lil, too - who was waiting for her return. Her little room, the precious few possessions she owned. Hidden away, the Jedi texts, the pieces of the fractured lightsaber... Her communicator, the only link she had to Leia and the others. She'd have to find a way to escape. To come back here, collect her things and... Flee. Hide. But for the fact that the Force seemed to have a cruel sense of humor, she might have thought it possible.However, it seemed intent on bringing them together time and time again, no matter the distance she tried to put between them. Right now, however, she had to concentrate on blending in.

They were offloaded just behind Kylo's command shuttle, settling into a standard three by four soldier block formation. The General had singled out the Supreme Leader, a terse exchange followed, one that Rey might have been able to focus on were it not for the fact that the crew foreman was advancing on them, datapad in his hands. Rey glanced back over her shoulder - the loading ramp was nearly closed and with it, any chance of trying to flee before they made the inevitable leap to hyperspace. It had been one thing to sneak into a barracks whose command was somewhat lax but... This... She watched one by one as each soldier had to state their designation, being added to the crew's manifest and be ushered off to the side to await escort to their quarters.

LK-2081 moved away, leaving her as one of the last to be added into the manifest. She had no choice. Using the Force was a huge risk - no doubt Ben would sense it. Her opportunity to hide would be all but eliminated. Still, it was that or be discovered right this instant. She reached out, the Force felt as though it unfurled before her. Through it, she could sense Ben - a worrying realization, for if she could sense him, surely he could feel her, too. That is, unless the Darkness she felt building in him was enough to cloud his senses.

"Designation KR-0117, sir!" She stated, using the Force to persuade the foreman to believe her, he did not seem to question the small row of red text that scrolled over his datapad, instead he tapped its surface until the words turned green and he gestured for her to join the others. She could not stop the sigh of relief that escaped from between her parted lips as she joined the others. Her helmet, along with all the others had been trained towards the Supreme Leader and General Hux. Whatever they were discussing... It was making Ben angry. A concerning thought all on its own - she'd seen his rage before, felt the hellfire within him. Before she could hope to learn what they were talking about, CS-9874 had ordered them to move out - filing away wordlessly leaving the Supreme Leader to his thinly veiled argument.

Once they were out of the prying eyes of the uppermost command, the squadron relaxed. If only marginally. Their postures became a little less rigid - visors turning here and there to take in the interior of the massive cruiser as they followed their guide. Rey was no different, she was trying to memorize as much of the layout as possible. The design was very much similar to the crashed cruisers she had spent many a day inside, scrapping for pieces of technology she could trade to Plutt in the exchange for rations. But the further they went within the ship, the more apparent the changes became. Technologically, this particular vessel seemed very much advanced. It would have to be, she supposed, if it was home to the new Supreme Leader of the First Order.

"Induction rooms..." The foreman stopped before them, holding his arm out towards the door that slid open. "You will be required to complete the induction training before you will be taken to the crew quarters to establish your new residential stations. After that..." He paused to scan the datapad. "General Hux has ordered a sparring session to take place before time to join the greater crew in the mess hall for dinner."

Rey didn't need years of military training to guess the General's motivations behind that particular order. No doubt he would be assessing them to see if they were truly worth bringing on board. It was a concerning thought, after all, she hadn't the years of practice with the blasters that her squad mates did. It would become glaringly apparent that she had shortcomings. If Ben was not present, perhaps she could... Try to use the Force to enhance her performance - Poe had spoken of Kylo Ren's power - his ability to stop blaster bolts. If he could do that, perhaps she could use it to guide her projectiles to the centers of the targets! Though, if she did poorly enough, perhaps she would be sent back to the barracks for further training...

"Move it, KR-0117!"

She jumped to hear her false designation used, it ripped her out of her thoughts, realizing she was still standing at the door. She went into the room, the lighting inside was quite dim but she was able to find a seat well enough. As soon as the squadron leader had sat down - the lights were extinguished altogether. Before them, a screen expanded and came to life. She watched with as much focus as she could muster. The video began with the expected propaganda and rousing motivational speech about the First Order as one might expect. A rough daily schedule, routinely scheduled events. And then information about the craft itself - evacuation procedures, safety protocol... It was quite thorough, but by the end of it, Rey found herself struggling to keep her eyes open. She wondered how much time had passed. Hours, it seemed, was the safest assumption.

Eventually, it came to the end - the lights flickering back to life and they filed out of the room. She caught snippets of excited conversation. She supposed, if her situation wasn't quite so dire that she would feel the same. They were privileged to now be stationed on one of the most technologically advanced ships in the First Order's armada. The tinkerer inside her wanted to break away from the group, to begin exploring. She'd have to quell that particular hunger for knowledge - the stony faced foreman had returned.

"Time to see if you pass inductions. If you paid attention, you shall have no difficulties finding your new quarters. If you fail to reach them within the next fifteen minutes, you will be collected and returned to me for... Further inductions." There was something vaguely threatening in the tone of voice, implying the consequences for failing this objective would be far more than just words. He dismissed them with a salute and then turned, disappearing down a side passage.

"Form up, squad! Let's get settled in!"CS-9874 led them down the corridors. Rey realized that LK-2081 had fallen into step beside her, she turned her head towards him.

"What is it?" She asked, keeping her voice low so as not to alert their leader to their conversation.

"I'm nervous." He confessed, there was something akin to worry in his tone. She nodded her agreement.

"Try to partner with me, when it comes to sparring, yeah?" Like her, LK-2081 lacked anything resembling remarkable skills with the ranged weapons. He'd passed, of course, or he would have been terminated long before becoming a storm trooper - but he tended to favour the melee energy based weapons that the First Order had developed. It gave her hope - it meant perhaps they would not have to stand at the firing range if they could engage in martial combat with one another.

"Good idea!" She answered.

For as much as Rey wanted to dislike her squadron leader, the woman had a knack for accurately memorizing layouts, receiving orders, and acting upon them with surgical precision. Under other circumstances, perhaps she would have looked up to her or admired her. But given their current situation, she could only follow her orders with a vague sense of apprehension. 

She got them to their new quarters within plenty of time - the stout woman waiting for them gave them a short briefing. Co-ed living quarters, the hygiene stations were two hallways down right next to the biological function facilities and finally, she moved to stand before each soldier, a device beeping softly in her hands. Rey stared down at it with dread and curiosity in equal portions - what was this for? She watched as the woman moved it along the length of her forearm - a faint glowing network of wiring blossomed to life under the device's beam of light. How had she never noticed that before?

"This will interface your suits with the network - you will be able to access your quarters via scanning your suit near the panel, here." She jerked her thumb over her shoulder, indicating the smooth panel behind her.

"Your fatigues have already been linked." The device beeped and she dropped Rey's arm, moving to the next trooper. Free of the woman's grasp, Rey stepped towards the sensor and the door whisked open smoothly. She moved inside, following CS-9874 who was quickly tapping in their designations to the small light boards attached to the foot end of the neat columns of bunks. Her designation, she noted was on the bottom bunk - furthest from the lockers at the end of the room. It meant she'd have to hustle every time they had inspection. 

Trying to ignore the rising sensation of irritation growing within her, she reminded herself that it also put her closest to the door in case she could find a way to sneak out after the others had fallen asleep. LK-2081 was to have the bunk next to hers - the thought of it made the corners of her lips twitch upwards if only for the briefest of moments. Talking after lights out was expressly forbidden but the two had managed to have quite a number of interesting conversations after the breathing of their squad mates had become steady and slow with the onset of slumber.

The rest of the squad entered the room, each moving to stand beside the bunk with their matching designations - the woman from before stood in the doorway and nodded her approval.

"Well done. Welcome aboard The Ordinance." She departed, leaving the squad to their own devices for the first time. They all stood silently, staring at one another.

"Move out squad! You heard the foreman's directives - we're to proceed to the training gymnasium. Let's show them what we're made of!"

 

~~

 

The 'training gymnasium' was much like the rest of the cruiser - beyond spacious and so much more than Rey could have imagined. It was hard not to be taken by the overwhelming size and complexity of everything! The cruiser was large enough to house what was essentially a city - and as such, the facilities were equally ample to accommodate its residents.

The layout was impressive - the gymnasium housed a number of equipment. For building the individual - a vast array of machines and weights. There was an obstacle course featuring a stunning variety of terrain and various types of challenges to overcome.

For team exercises, the gymnasium hosted six different doors on the far wall, each one leading to different scenario rooms where a squadron could overcome set criteria and study old wars and missions through the process of encountering skirmishes and battlefields straight from the archives for themselves. The gymnasium also served as an access point to the firing range.

For one-on-one combat training, there were several sparring rings set up next to rows of training equipment that may as well have been an auxiliary armoury. Around the entire massive room was a track for running. It seemed somewhat luxurious, the entire set up, but she supposed if it was to be used to train the dominating force in the galaxy, one could expect nothing less. She felt a pang in her chest, thinking of the rebel forces... Such as they were. So far removed from these kinds of resources... Some of them, she'd come to learn had received no formal training whatsoever. They were a smaller force, comprised of sympathisers and those who were scared or who had been hurt by the First Order - they'd had to be a lot more adaptive, instinctual and open to improvisation to meet their objectives. How could such a small ragtag force hope to crush something so organized and so bountifully equipped as this?

"C'mon, 0117!" A voice at her side made her jump - she realized the others had been paired off - since there were no officers here to give them directives, CS-9874 had taken it upon herself to assign them tasks and initiate training. Much of it looked to be similar to the activities they performed on base. If they were still on the ground, they would have been transitioning to such activities anyway - the schedules at least, seemed to integrate well enough.

Rey followed LK-2081 over to the weapons rack. They pondered them together for a moment before they reached for their chosen weapons. Rey's hand closed around the haft of the Z6 riot baton. That is, until she spotted the telescopic command staff gleaming beside them. Her fingertips trailed over it, a soft sigh escaping her lips. How she would have given her eye teeth for such craftsmanship when she'd been on Jakku! She could imagine how light it would feel in her hands! She glanced around the gymnasium, to her knowledge, it appeared that they still were chaperone free.  It was tempting. No one to recognize her signature style of combat! That which was curious and always keen to explore inside her, longed to try it out.

"You can't choose that! That's an officer's weapon."LK-2081 shook his head, handing her the riot baton and the shield to accompany it. She cast one last lingering look towards the command staff and made her way towards the sparring ring. She slipped between the sectioning ropes and walked to the center where she faced LK. They nodded once before each other in acknowledgment and began to slowly circle one another. Rey tried to mirror her footwork to match his but the movements felt restricted. Harsh and mechanical - a feeling only amplified by the armor she wore. Her desert garb was much more generous when it came to the range of motion but that was part of why she had adapted to the use of the riot baton - the weapon itself lent itself to a flow of manoeuvres that seemed to compensate for the limitations of mobility that the armor imposed.

Even so, it had hardly made her a master of the weapon, particularly with the clunky shield that was more or less standard accompaniment to this combat style. She soon found her shield arm aching as it usually did when she'd had to take part in training sessions at the barracks. As if he knew it, TK moved first, striking towards her head, forcing her to raise the shield to block. It was a jerky movement and as it turned out, his strike was a feint. The baton sizzled and clicked as it spun on its axis, whipping down and whirling to the side - it connected with her exposed side and she grunted as the electric component of the weapon connected with her suit.

"First point to me! As always!" LK-2081 chuckled as they stepped back into the starting position. Normally, such things did not bother her but she had to display something at least resembling competency if she wished to avoid drawing notice to herself! Shaking her head to clear away the last of the tingling sensation that had washed over her body, she planted her feet, raising her shield til it was level with her eye height, her own baton was twisted back, resting lightly against her back - with a deft movement it would swing forwards as she lowered her center of gravity further down into her knees and would result in a successful blow to his legs... Assuming she got her timing right.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Ben couldn't let it go. He had to at least confirm in his mind that the stormtrooper was not Rey if he wanted to put himself at ease. He realised that if she had remained with the rest of them that were bought onboard, they would be having their induction at that very moment. Would they be put through training? Yes. That was most likely. He couldn't just rush off and chase after her like this. He had to be detached, composed, and... sane.

 

Even after the takeoff, Ben wasn't free to just wander as he had desperately hoped. There were decisions and strategies to confirm, arrangements to discuss, news to hear of resistance rumours, - news that Ben was sure to keep to himself rather than informing Hux. Still, there wasn't a way to keep those small pieces of information from slipping back to the General eventually. A trail of breadcrumbs for him, a predatory bird, to peck at. 

 

The rambling seemed to go on for hours. With every passing minute, Ben felt a rising anxiety. A collision was imminent. Signs of an avalanche ready to fall. This anxiety, let alone any feeling recently, was uncharacteristic for him. Usually, he could suppress the invasive drumming of his heart and the heat rising to his cheeks, despite the cool air that surrounded them in the destroyer. The thought of Rey was always what set his emotions into a state that, try as he might, he couldn't control.

 

If the stormtrooper was Rey, what would she be feeling at this very moment? Ben was used to this environment, but he could still remember what it felt like to live in a place that held some colour, that wasn't so large and cold and full of darkness. The cruiser was as much a home and a luxury for him as it was a prison. If Ben’s suspicions were correct, he had just led Rey into that same prison, which was undoubtedly a hundred times worse for her, under the circumstances. If she was discovered, they wouldn't just kill her without his command, would they? They would bring her to him if she was found on the ship, wouldn't they? Ben glided through the art of meaningless words and nods of assurance and certainty. After what had felt like a week, but he knew had been only around an hour, he felt it was safe and not completely illogical behaviour to leave.

 

As soon as he could, he marched along the floor, his black cloak billowing behind him, trying to look as calm and important as possible as he felt the eyes of hundreds of stormtroopers watching him pass by. It had been so much harder without his mask to hide. He supposed that was why he had got rid of it in the first place. He didn't want to hide anymore, even if it came with the consequences of revealing to the First Order that he truly was only human. He turned a corner briskly and found himself shortly at the door of the training gymnasium. Surely, if she had come with the other stormtroopers she had to be there.

 

What would Ben do if it was her? He didn't even know. He had not yet thought over those inevitable consequences and questions. He scolded himself for following the directions of the force and his illogical emotional needs, rather than his own mind. Still, it couldn't be helped. He had to do... something. 

 

He finally entered the room, taking some deep breaths and trying to look as stately as possible. He did not feel stately. He felt like a lost child again, chasing an impossible hope.

 

His eyes scanned the enormity and scale of the training equipment and the storm troopers hard at work there. He had to concentrate, he had to find the link again, the feeling that would lead him to her. Faceless beings surrounded him. The makings of his army.

 

Ben was careful to make his slow way by the running track and he almost wished that for once he could be invisible. As the Supreme Leader, that was never an option. As soon as he had entered, it was as if he were standing in a gigantic spotlight. He swallowed, trying to compose himself, to clear his mind, to find her…

 

“Supreme Leader!”

 

A superior officer stood before him, saluting in respect. Ben looked them up and down. He had seen them at the instillation. Could they be the orchestrator of the squadron that he thought Rey could be a part of?

 

“Are you the one to command the squadron from this ship’s last outpost?” Ben asked them. He tried to make the question sound idle and merely curious.

 

“Yes, your excellency.”

 

There was a slight tremble in her voice. A part of Ben was growing tired of everyone constantly being afraid of him. Was he truly as terrifying as everyone seemed to think whenever they met him?

 

“What is your identification code?” Kylo demanded.

 

“CS-9874.”

 

“CS-9874, I desire to watch your troops’ training and I would assume you have no objection?”

 

“No, Supreme Leader. Not at all.” Ben could hear her disbelief and bewilderment, even with her trying to hide it. On the installation she was working on, she probably would never even have dreamed about being in her current position.

 

“Lead the way,” Kylo told her.

 

She paused for a moment, and even with the mask on, Ben could practically see the widening of her eyes. Nevertheless, she did as she was told and led Kylo past the troops. He could see the firing squad and the weights, but he couldn't sense anything, not yet. He opened himself to it as much as he could, trying to clear his mind. The squadron leader had started to tell him how capable her troops were, but Ben was hardly listening. He was just searching, searching as hard as he could.

 

That was when they came to the sparring rings.

 

Ben stopped. There was something there. He would have been so relieved if it didn't mean his suspicions were near to confirmation. Something pulled him, aching in his chest. It was different this time; it was almost like electricity. Almost a sting. He dared to look up at the two stormtroopers in the ring. He knew. He knew which one she was. He could almost feel her anxieties intermingling with his. He pressed his lips together and tried to ground himself, to feel both of his feet holding his weight on the floor.

 

She had her back to him, she wouldn't see him, not yet. Ben knew she wouldn't be used to the heavy armour, and that much was unfortunately obvious. The squadron leader shifted her own weight and Ben realised that she too was nervous as she was so eager to impress him. Still, Rey did well to get some significant strikes in against her opponent with her baton, which began to reassure Ben that she would make it through, but then, they began to circle each other and it came to Ben’s notice that... she would see him standing there, watching.

 

Her look, even behind a mask, was shot through him like a hot spark. A livewire. A blaster shot. Both of them froze. It was a precious second in which all of Ben’s doubts vanished. Reality rushed in far too fast, and that precious second was enough time for her to lose her concentration, resulting in her being hit across the head with the baton of the other stormtrooper. Ben swallowed to avoid a wince, casting his eyes away again. It was no light strike...

 

The squadron leader coughed uncomfortably. She obviously thought that Ben was ready to cast his judgement on her, but he didn't know what he would do at all. He couldn't just leave Rey there... not if she didn't succeed in training. Ben cursed himself again.

 

“...shall we move on?” CS-9874 suggested, but Ben couldn't move from that spot at all.

 

“What is their identification code?” Ben asked her, pointing to Rey.

 

“Oh. They’re nobody,” CS-9874 began to protest, “I have many more capable troops I can assure you...”

 

Ben fixed her with a look that he often used to silence others. The squadron leader stared at him.

 

“KR-0117,” She admitted.

 

Ben nodded in satisfaction.

 

“I would like to have a private audience with KR-0117.”

 

If the squadron leader and the rest of the watching stormtroopers hadn't thought he'd gone mad already, they must definitely have believed it now. Ben couldn't care. Just as long as he got what he wanted… and he always had- got what he had wanted, that is. Wanted… but never what he needed. He doubted any of the witnesses would consider this event of any importance to spread around. Ben was hoping, praying to himself, that no one of significance would hear of this. Still, despite how peculiar his decision seemed, it wasn't like the squadron leader could refuse him.

 

“Uh. O-of course! Your excellency.” She turned back to the sparring ring. “KR-0117! Come down from there. The Supreme Leader requires an audience with you.”

 

~

 

Her arm ached, throbbing with the exertion of trying to keep her shield up. LK-2081 wasn't exactly going easy on her. She winced - even with the armor's temperature regulators, she could feel the flight suit clinging to her skin, soaked with sweat from her exertion. She was grateful for the practice, it would certainly help her to blend in - however... She grunted, tossing the shield aside. She needed to win at least one match by more than a point or two. She'd managed several glancing blows but he was taller and had far greater reach than she did. Without the shield, she might be able to manage the mobility she needed to be able to get through his defenses.

 

It was worth a shot.

 

"Giving up so soon?" The other trooper chuckled, spinning his baton in lazy circles. His posturing made it seem as though he wasn't the slightest bit fatigued. Daunting and frustrating. But she wasn't about to give up. She lowered her stance once again. Her footing was more sure. Instead of leading pointless attacks, she would conserve her energy and let LK come to her. Losing the extra weight of the shield was a boon, it wasn't long before she was landing as many hits as he had. It almost looked like a dance, nimbly she navigated around him, moving much quicker without the cumbersome shield to slow her down. She felt her earlier anxiety ebb, slightly as her concerns had to take a step back in her mind as she focused on the task at hand.

 

He was moving towards her quickly, she took two running steps to the side, performing a small jump, the slight heel of her boot firmly lodging against the ropes enough to spring back, she planted her other foot - pushing down through that leg to help her get airborne and rolled across the shield he'd thrown up to protect himself. She landed on her knees on the other side of him, jerking her arm violently - the baton swung free, it collided with his thigh, the electricity synced with his suit and he collapsed beside her - they both dissolved into a fit of laughter.

 

She was on her feet faster, offering him her hand to help him stand.

 

"Fine, I suppose I'll ditch the shield, too, since it seems to be working so well for you!" He chucked it to the side. They came to the center again, circling each other once again. This time, they were both fatigued, the labor of their breath was evident in the uneven rise and fall of their chest armor.

 

She was prepared to launch into the attack when her gaze strayed but a little left of LK's helmet and she froze. 

 

Ben!

 

Behind her visor, her lips had parted in surprise - she had not even felt his arrival! Her chest tightened painfully, trying to pull her gaze away. Something she need not have been so concerned about - LK-2081 had made his move, fully expecting her to block his blow. But she hadn't seen it coming. There was a loud crack as his baton collided unhindered to the side of her head with the full weight of his body behind it. She cried out in pain as the electricity synced with her suit and she could feel it wash over her body adding to the disorienting effects of the blow- she could feel the neck seal of the suit strain with the ferocity of the blow. She nearly dropped her weapon as her hand flew to the front of her helmet, pushing it back down with an audible click.

 

"Damn! KR! The hell?" He crossed over to her, not having spotted the Supreme Leader watching their sparring. She raised her hand to ward him off, still trying to regain her sense of balance. She tasted copper in her mouth, the familiar tang of blood on her tongue. She must have bitten her cheek. He moved closer to her in spite of her efforts, as if to remove her helmet - there was concern in the tone of his voice, asking if she needed to report to the med-bay. She shook her head violently, still trying to gain control of her body.

 

"No, I'm good! Keep training." She rasped, straightening, moving to a defensive stance.

 

_ ‘KR-0117! Come down from there. The Supreme Leader requires an audience with you.’ _

 

Both LK and Rey froze, their helmets moving almost in unison to stare in disbelief at the Supreme Leader who was, by most accounts, looking largely unimpressed. Even if there was the slightest chance he didn't know it was her... She had just put on the most idiotic display of incompetence ever. 

 

Don't delude yourself, she scolded herself as she snapped out of the haze of disbelief. He was no fool and if she had felt him earlier, there was a good chance that the bridge between them was just as easily able to be crossed by him as it seemed to be for her. She held her baton out to LK, highly doubting that underling soldiers were allowed to approach their ranking superiors with weapons. She moved to the edge of the ring, bending to maneuver herself under the ropes. She didn't want to take the steps but her legs moved mechanically to comply with the orders. Adding insubordination to her growing list of failings was not going to be a good move, whether he was certain of her identity or not.

 

She swallowed hard, forcing herself to keep her arms loosely at her side. The gnawing feeling clawing at her gut, she realized was guilt. The dread that seemed to weigh down her steps was born of cowardice. It was a startling revelation. She was riddled with guilt. Agonizing over the fact that she'd left him behind on the Supremacy, well aware that the cruiser had taken fatal damage - later to learn it had resulted from Admiral Holdo's heroics and quick thinking to chart a course at light speed through the center of the vessel. She'd left him to contend with the consequences of his actions and hers, alone - assuming he had the good fortune to regain consciousness or be found and transported to one of the escape pods. After he had slain his master, fought to help protect her from the wrath of the guards... He'd deserved better. Yet she had fled, her instincts driving her to preserve herself. She wasn't sure she knew enough harsh words with which to scold herself for being so selfish.

 

Whether from the panic or the blow to the head, she could not be certain but her head throbbed painfully with the frantic rate of her heartbeat pulsing in her veins. She snapped to attention before him, trying her damnedest to stare at a point just over his shoulder. She'd not had years of people looming over her to groom her into disguising her emotions. She could not push them aside so easily, bottling them up was not her way. If she looked at him directly, she wasn't sure what she would do. She could feel nothing coming from Ben, but CS-9874 was livid. Rey had embarrassed her in front of, quite literally, the most important person she could have hoped to encounter in her military career.

 

She waited, her breath caught painfully in her throat for what she was certain would be a rather harsh tongue lashing. Who would start, she wondered? Her teeth clenched together, she swallowed the blood in her mouth and resolved to face her fate as calmly as she could…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! <3333
> 
> Thank you for reading!! ^^


	5. Chapter 5

He himself had gone so far as to exclaim aloud to her, when they had first met, that he could get whatever he wanted. How ironic that seemed. He had wanted to be the Supreme Leader, but now he lived an endless sentence; ruling over a Galaxy of featureless pawns and monsters in uniforms. He had wanted Snoke, Luke and his father to die, yet here he was: liberated, yes, but also lonely, lost and forlorn. Now he was directly presented with another one of his desires since she had left him, and once more, he did not know what he wished for from her or why he had taken these measures to bring her here. He was assuming by now, of course, that it was indeed Rey under the mask. If it wasn't her, he would most likely never listen to his feelings or what the force was telling him ever again. He promised himself sincerely that if this stormtrooper was not Rey, it was vital that he should never, ever think of her from this moment onward. He knew now, the power that even his mere memories of her held, and that it would be enough to destroy him.

She was staring blankly at him and he was aware that he was staring at her. CS-9874 was looking from him to her and back again like a changing wind. Ben could sense the depths of her humiliation. Ben never laughed, but he knew he would find it exceedingly amusing if CS-9874 was embarrassed by Rey. She wasn't exactly a trained stormtrooper, but Ben knew Rey’s powers all too well. If she wasn't hiding in white armour, he was sure that at this point in time Rey would be able to use the force to throw CS-9874 up and down from the ceiling to the floor like a ball. Not to mention her natural skills with a lightsaber. No, Rey would hardly belong in an armoured cohort like this. She was far too special.

Ben was transferred to the night in Snoke’s throne room and was instantly flooded with heaps of regret. He should never have called her “nothing”. The mere mention of that word summoned waves of guilt and embarrassment back to him. He was so foolish then. So consumed by his own pride and ambition, filled with adrenaline and the lust to possess everything: Anakin’s lightsaber, Snoke’s throne and Rey. It passed by so quickly and then what was left? An empty shadow. The hollow image of Luke Skywalker to make a fool of him. A closed door. All this, followed by a series of luxurious empty rooms with no one to live in them with.

What would he say to her? How could he say it?

Whatever the case, he had been standing there for far too long, frozen by his own thoughts.

“Come along, KR-0117,” Ben said coolly after an extended period of quiet. “I need to talk to you alone about a specific job that I think you would be interested in.”

There was a stunned silence. Ben suspected that both the Squadron Leader and the stormtroopers, including Rey, were expecting him to criticize her, rather than offering any kind of promotion or other work, especially so prematurely. Ben didn't know what else he could say. He just needed an excuse to be alone with her.

CS-9874 stood like a statue and Ben could imagine her jaw hanging open, completely aghast.

“Are you sure that I can't show you any of the other...uh-“ she began, only for Kylo to cut her off.

“-No.” He told her firmly. “That will be all.”

The two of them passed her by and came out of the gymnasium, leaving her visibly shaking with frustration and shame.

Ben glanced down at Rey, wondering what must be going through her head. He was tempted to look. It would be wrong. Something he had grown far too accustomed to, to casually and sadistically assert his power. Simple and barbaric solutions to complex problems. No, he couldn't do it. Not to her. Not again. Besides, he knew that it would offend her, scare her, or she would be blocking him out anyway.

As soon as they were in a vacant area of a corridor in the cruiser, Ben came to a stop and turned to face her. It was time… time to release his suspicions… his tongue felt heavy in his mouth as he struggled to speak.

“I know,” he blurted to her all at once. “I know it's you.”

She stood stock-still. Like a small creature caught in the headlights of a ship.

“Rey...” Ben began, but he could hardly put together a sentence, and she was already backing away. He took a step forward, and that was the trigger for her to begin to run.

“Wait!” Ben called after her, and his legs had a mind of their own as he found himself chasing her.

How did it always come to this?! Him, hunting her down… the role of the reaper, the ravenous beast, the ruthless executioner she undoubtedly saw him as. He had to make sure she wasn't found by anyone else. It would mean her death for certain! He couldn't believe how bold she was: to make a run for it after Ben had told her he knew the truth... she was so, so unbelievably bold. He would admire it, if it didn't make everything a thousand times more difficult. No, he corrected himself, even for their conflict, he would never change her. Not her bravery, nor her rage.

He could only hope that no one would see the Supreme Leader chasing after a stormtrooper. It was as this very thought crossed his mind that Rey turned a corner and Ben followed her instantly, only to witness her run straight into General Armitage Hux.

All three of them froze. Hux took a millisecond to process that a stormtrooper had collided with him in the corridor. Ben could feel Rey’s shock as if it were his own, and every inch of him grew numb as for that millisecond, he had truly forgotten that Hux didn't know the same truth that he did, that he didn't know that Rey was standing directly in front of him. Hux would kill her... he would not hesitate to slaughter her, and to make it painful.

Ben swallowed down the lump in his throat. He carefully found Rey’s shoulders and he pulled her behind him, standing before General Hux in her place. The situation was so surreal; to be stuck directly between his primary source of compassion and his primary source of hatred, as if the battle for his soul had been placed before him, on either side of him...

“CAN YOU KEEP YOUR PETS UNDER CONTROL?!” Hux roared shrilly, the heat rising in his cheeks from his anger at being approached in this way. “This is a military ship and NOT A PLAYGROUND!” He looked Kylo up and down as if he were some kind of infestation. “You bought them here,” Hux sneered, “so you take care of them!”

“Do not scold me, Hux,” Kylo hissed, “I'm your superior and not a child.”

“Then why don't you act like it?”

Kylo felt a heat… A fire spreading, consuming his insides with flames.

“I didn't think you needed a reminder,” Kylo growled. “But clearly, you do.”

Hux took a small step back, a flicker of primal instinct in his eyes. They both knew that he had gone too far. Kylo even came close to raising his arm, but then he could feel Rey’s presence there, only steps away. He didn't want to show her this; to confirm what he imagined she thought of him. He resisted and instead conveyed the profundity of his revulsion towards Hux simply through his expression. He could feel Rey inching further away behind him with every second.

“As it happens...” Kylo continued hoarsely, “I don't have the time to teach you a lesson today. I have other, more important matters to attend to.”

Before Hux could do so much as ask him what he was referring to, and before Rey could make another run for it, Ben turned away and marched back the way they had come, following close behind her.

“We’ll go to my chamber.” Kylo whispered to her, when they were alone again. “No one will be able to see us there, I promise. And Rey, I truly promise, I have no intention of allowing you to come to harm.”

~

Each second that passed seemed like an eternity. It was a painfully long time to wait for her judgment. CS-9874 shifted nervously. Rey didn't need the Force to understand the sort of thoughts that would be going through her mind. If she survived this encounter, CS would have it in for her the second she returned to their quarters. Her fingers tightened into fists at the thought of it. She'd dealt with such things before. Scavengers were not a genteel sort. Their squabbles were solved with violence when mere harsh words did not suffice - diplomacy was a foreign concept amongst those who thrived in the seemingly forgotten cracks of civilization, where the law and upstanding society could care less about their existence. She had not become adept with her staff from a lifetime of kicking up her heels and relaxing, that much was for certain.

But Ben?

She'd never encountered anyone like him before. Nor had she treated one as badly as she had done so to him. She swallowed hard, her eyes snapping to his face, the jagged line of the scar she had cruelly gifted him out of desperation stood out starkly against his pale flesh. She stared down at her boots, it was not just CS-9874 who was feeling ashamed. He had been terrifying, a dark and vengeful spectre that had stalked her and Finn down on the Starkiller Base. Time and time again she'd tried to justify her actions as protecting her friend and self defense. No doubt, if she ever got the opportunity to discuss such things with Ben, he'd likely find them as flimsy and hollow as they felt to her.

_‘Come along, KR-0117. I need to talk to you alone about a specific job that I think you would be interested in.’_

She gawked openly, her jaw slackening as she blinked in disbelief, the helmet was the only thing saving her dignity. That was unexpected... She glanced worriedly over to CS-9874 who, along with anger and shame now had another emotion burning within. Jealousy. Whether it was his intent or not - Ben was doing a masterful job of creating for her a rival. An enemy, even. One who knew the rules with which to play by on board a First Order destroyer far better than she did. Her progression through this trial was beginning to feel a great deal more complicated than she had begun to anticipate.

_‘Are you sure that I can't show you any of the other... uh-_

One of the other squad's troopers had come closer, drawn by curiosity and had used fatigue as an excuse to slow down. He'd been using the running track. JF-6371. He was one who was slated for leadership, right behind CS-9874 in the eye of favor back at the barracks.

_‘-No. That will be all.’_

Kylo Ren's words were law. CS-9874 could not protest. Neither could she, for that matter. She could feel two pairs of eyes watching her progress as she followed the Supreme Leader out of the gymnasium. Where was he taking her? She wondered, eyes darting around them, taking in as much detail as she could. They slowed to a stop in an unpopulated corridor. He turned to face her and she stared up at him mutely, acutely aware that she was now the sole occupant of his attention. The knowledge of which made her feel... Uneasy.

_‘I know. I know it's you.’_

She froze. That much had been relatively clear, but to hear it spoke aloud shattered any remaining semblance of denial she may have held.

_‘Rey…’_

She took a step back and then another. She wanted to be out of his arm's reach. Then he advanced on her. A mere step of his own, however it had been enough to trigger her survival instincts. Panic took over, just as it had on Takodana when she'd rounded the corner to find him standing before her - cloaked in black with his face still a mystery to her. Then, she'd been armed with a blaster. Now, she had nothing to defend herself with. There was nothing to do BUT flee. She abruptly changed the weight distribution between her feet and took off running as though she was a projectile shot from a blaster.

Even with the armor, she was fleet of foot - surprisingly nimble. She was acting purely from instinct - nothing but the schematics of the ship replaying in her brain as she sped down one corridor. His heavy footfall behind her - calling for her to wait - only spurred her on faster. She glanced up - one of the air ducting shafts! If she got into the ventilation system, he'd have to tear the ship apart to find her and in his time searching for her, she might be able to make it to hangar before she was discovered... Steal a shuttle and go.... Go where? It hardly mattered, the first step was gaining access! She leapt for it, but her fingers only brushed with the grate. She was too short! And, dishearteningly, it was secure, screwed shut.. She noted that she would require an L4 hydro-driver to get that open.

He was gaining on her - she abandoned her fruitless attempts to evade him through the ducts and rounded the corner. She had not anticipated any obstruction, nor had she taken even a second to consider the consequences of her actions. She collided bodily with something solid. Or, someone, rather. She tipped her head back, staring in mute horror at none other than General Hux. Her eyes widened, her thoughts felt sluggish, her tongue too thick to relay the partial apology that she had tried to compose in her mind. She attempted it, an incomprehensible nearly inaudible mumble of something largely unintelligible.

She felt something on her shoulder and thankfully she did not jerk instinctively away from it, still too stunned. The pressure directed her to step backwards and only after Ben's frame blocked most of her view of the infuriated General had she realized the weight on her shoulder had been Ben's hand. It had given the General a moment to compose his own next words, words delivered in a most terrifying manner - a roar of unbridled fury.

Rey wished she could have evaporated into thin air, wilting at the venom in the red haired General's words. Worse, the words were not even directed at her - they were aimed mercilessly towards Ben who had, it appeared, beyond all reason - stepped in to shield her. A bizarre sense of accountability compelled her to take a step forward - to redirect the hatred that was becoming so glaringly evident away from Ben and to herself. After all, she had been the one who had acted out of turn.

However, she was able to squash the notion. She was only a component of this argument, not the source, she realized the longer their dialogue continued. The General was as rabid as the starving canine-like creatures that hunted for fallen scavengers in the harsh deserts of Jakku - just as deadly and thirsting for blood.

She hadn't realized she had begun to take small steps backwards, not until she heard Kylo's growled threat and she froze in place.

_‘I didn't think you needed a reminder. But clearly, you do.’_

"B..." She silenced herself. Her plea for him to stop was never given life upon her lips. Now was NOT the time. She could only wait, heart rattling against her ribs like a wild creature trapped in a cage. What would he do? She had seen what he was capable of. Or had she? There was an intent in his words that was tainted with the promises whispered only by the Dark Side of the Force. It made the fine hairs along the back of her neck rise. Somehow, the thought of not truly knowing him as well as she thought... Stung. She shook her head slightly as if to try to clear away her confusion.

_‘As it happens... I don't have the time to teach you a lesson today. I have other, more important matters to attend to.’_

There was no time to think, only to act. He had turned on her, advancing upon her and she responded with another step or two backwards before turning to face away from the General, feeling Ben's presence behind her was the only direction she could interpret - which was simply to move, to put distance between them and the infuriated General. She didn't want to turn her back to him, she could not help but feel if Hux had the capability to murder them with the weight of his gaze, both she and Ben would be in the incinerator within the hour.

It was almost equally unsettling to have her back exposed to Ben. She slowed her steps until they were walking side by side.

_‘We'll go to my chamber. No one will be able to see us there, I promise.’_

She was not sure she trusted herself to be alone with him. Already she'd proven to herself that she was still far too reckless. If only she'd had more time under Luke's tutelage. She might have greater control over herself...

_‘And Rey, I truly promise, I have no intention of allowing you to come to harm.’_

She followed him silently, endeavoring not to act in such a way that would put them both as risk again. What she had witnessed convinced her that Ben, as much as she, was walking a razor-wire thin path in deadly territory. If Hux was so bold as to speak out of turn to the Supreme Leader as blatantly as he had... Sabotage or mutiny seemed imminent. She'd seen rival scrapper gangs try to take Plutt's stranglehold of Niima Outpost. She found herself hoping that Ben would be as victorious as Plutt had been.

Once they were inside Kylo Ren's private chambers, she found her levels of unease rising. What was she to do? She stood by the door, back pressed against the wall, palms pressed against the smooth metal as if to help ground herself. Her eyes followed him as he moved further into the room. What was she to say? What could she possibly say that would be worth hearing?

She swallowed nervously, worried that her voice would play the part of traitor and desert her.  
Her thoughts were in such disarray as the silence that filled the room allowed her the much needed time to consider. Except now she found she had far too many words warring to be spoken.

"Why?" She croaked, her voice distorted by the helmet's voice modulator. Hardly the articulate question she had composed in her mind. Instead, it seemed the single word held as many questions as the night sky held stars. Why had he brought her here? Why had he not thrown her in prison? Why was she still breathing? Why did her heart ache when she looked at him? Why did she not feel his hatred when she had clearly earned it for her transgressions against him? And why did it feel so impossibly warm in his room?


	6. Chapter 6

As soon as they had entered his chambers, Ben was confronted with a paradoxical concoction of fear and relief. It wasn't the fear of what awaited them outside. That fear had somewhat faded away after he had left the General behind. No, this was a different fear. It was the fear of what would happen next, in this confined room, between them. Every time in the past that he had met properly with Rey, it had ended disastrously, and usually with her leaving him. She had left him lying in a bed of unforgiving snow on Starkiller base, after first dividing his heart, mind and face with Anakin’s lightsaber. She left him in Snoke’s throne room after the explosion had knocked him off his feet. Finally, she had left him and shut the door on their connection at Crait.

He had little doubt that she must hate him, yet he could not convince himself that he hated her. For many months he had tried time and time again to let go of her, of his memory of her mesmerising eyes and her delicate skin, the fluttering or electric tremors in the force whenever he was in her presence, or even just when he saw her in his dreams. He had even promised Luke and himself that he would destroy her. Yet Kylo knew even in the midst of his devastating wrath at the time, he could not and would not do it.

He should have singled her out as his worst enemy the day that she scarred his face, but even in the very second that the blazing beam of blistering light had sliced over his features, he could only think of how amazed he was that she had defeated him. That she had come from nowhere, with hardly any training and yet he was at her mercy. No, Kylo had never been angry with her. He had only been in awe of her. In awe of all that she was, and still had the potential to be. Nevertheless, it seemed whatever emotions and opinions he wanted to express to her were so poorly portrayed in his words and actions. It was as if the more his thoughts lingered on her, the heavier the chains of his regrets and sorrows became, and therefore, the harder they were to articulate to her.

He stayed silent because of it, and instead made his way around the inside of the room, not yet meeting her gaze, worrying that she would attempt to run away again before they might even exchange words. She was still standing by the door after all. Ben took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. He would at least attempt to be better this time. Why did they have to keep fighting? When no result may be gained from it… what was he thinking? Nothing may be gained from anything! It was helpless, hopeless… pointless. There was a view of the stars from a window that could offer him some kind of weak comfort and a minor distraction, at least. The endless infinity of it...

_“Why?”_

Ben flinched. He hadn't expected her to be the first to speak, though he wasn't sure how he would have began himself. He turned from the window to look at her. If only he could see her real face, hear her real voice...

“Will you take the mask off?” He asked her. “There’s no surveillance here.”

She was hesitant. He supposed he couldn't blame her. Why should she trust him? All the things he had done... everything he was... Kylo was forgetting himself. He was the Supreme Leader of the First Order. What was he doing?! Rey was perfectly justified in asking ‘why’ since he didn't even know why himself.

“I took mine off for you,” Ben reminded her. “When we first met. I had made a vow to keep it on, especially in the presence of an enemy. I was supposed to forever be known as Kylo Ren. To never again answer to Ben Solo.” Ben was almost disgusted by his past ignorance. “And then...” he sighed, not entirely sure how he would explain it. “Then... I met you.”

He could tell that he had shocked her and he wasn't sure if he should continue. He was already feeling as if this entire scenario might be the greatest mistake of his life. His breaths grew ragged. He tried not to show it; to stay quiet and calm. His hands made fists. He struggled to stay focused and logical, making himself as immovable and heavy as iron. In truth, he wanted to melt before her. To embody the pathetic creature he knew himself to be, for her to mock. A feast to lay before her. She can devour him. Leaving him emptied. Finally wiping him from this existence.

“We're in a stalemate,” Ben told her. It seemed obvious to him, yet it was a difficult exclamation. One that… as he grew to understand more and more only backed him into one, inevitable corner. “I won't kill you and I will not have you killed. I've accepted that now.”

He swallowed. How could he make her understand? He must have sounded like a madman or a confused little boy. Perhaps he was either, or even both.

“And I've tried to forget.” Ben confessed.

He realised he was confessing far too much, feeling far too much, as his eyes stung with building tears. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't what he had been taught. He silently cursed himself for the fourth time that day as his cheeks heated, yet he simply had to continue. He couldn't stop now, not like this. He simply had to try and tell her his truth, even if she scorned him, laughed at him, left him, hurt him, killed him! It didn't matter anymore!

“I've tried to forget.” Ben repeated. “But Rey, I was never able to. I saw you everywhere. When I knew you had disguised yourself, I thought at first that it was madness. But maybe it's a solution. Maybe this is our last chance. You won't join me, and I can never join you, nor can I forget you, nor can I kill you.”

Ben couldn't believe he had said so much. It had simply been poured out of him, straight into a mess of words. His cards on the table. The truth, unable to be retracted again. He felt as he always had whenever he met with her: so weak and foolish… unworthy, despite knowing his status to be superior. His legacy, his blood, his reputation, position and destiny… none of these things could make him so strong as he knew her to be. He should never have called her 'nothing’... What right did he have to say so?! He, who couldn't be the man he had wanted to be because it was impossible. He couldn't be his grandfather’s legend because Darth Vader did not have a heart. Ben… did. He had tried to drown it, smother it, suffocate it with every murder he had committed, every monstrosity he had caused, but he could not destroy it. He was fundamentally flawed from the beginning. She was never nothing. It was him. He was, had always been… nothing.

He was reminded of Snoke’s ridicule: ‘you have too much of your father's heart in you, young Solo.’ The insult had hurt at the time because Ben knew the truth. Snoke had been right about him all along. He tried to swallow down the swelling tears in his eyes.

“So what will you do?” He asked her. “Will you end it?” Ben took in a shuddering breath. No more waiting. No more cover ups. No more battles or debates. No more teachings. No more legacy. No more misery…

No more… no more…

His eyes fix on her. Only her.

“Will you kill me?”

~~~

He had turned his back to her, his gaze fixed on the generously sized window. She allowed herself a moment to share his view. The vast expanse of the galaxy laid before him. Billions of stars gleaming in the darkness with the glint of cut stones. It was as terrifying as it was beautiful. She'd spent a lifetime on the ground, staring up at the stars wondering if her family would ever come back, clinging to the hope that they would - the progression of the sunrise and set marked on the wall of the fallen AT-AT that she had grown to call her home.

Never in all those days did she think she would be amongst the stars themselves, on the most mighty craft in the skies with the leader of the known systems.

She tore her gaze away from the view before it overwhelmed her. Her insignificance seemed only more prominent when one could see how vast the galaxy truly was. She was nothing but a speck. She could not even begin to comprehend how Ben must feel. To know that it had been chained - this endless living galaxy had been made to kneel. That, in some way, it belonged to him now. Unless, of course, the rebels managed to succeed in their plans. It was easier to feel disconnected from them and their toils, less a piece in their plan's mechanics when every means she had of contacting them was about to be light-years away from her.

Desperate to escape the silence, she'd managed to utter a single word. An unimpressive one at that. Her eyes fell to him, awaiting his reply. His frame seemed... Familiar to her. Distractedly, she took in the shape of his shoulders, the way his torso narrowed at the waist encased in that thick belt. How solid... And... Real. The familiarity, she realized must have come from the countless dreams in which he had stolen into. If not the dreams, the many thoughts he had slipped into like a clever infiltrator sneaking into what she had considered well guarded territory. Or the time her idle mind had taken to recollecting their encounters. And how they had always ended in disaster. She felt sick.

He turned away from the window and once again she found herself to be the object of his attention.

_‘Will you take the mask off? There's no surveillance here.’_

She couldn't move. Her limbs did not seem to want to obey her, though she was not sure she had truly wished to comply with his request. There was a comfort to the obscuring protection it afforded her. She could imagine herself to be anything within the privacy of its confines.

_‘I took mine off for you.’_

It was true. She remembered the way she'd venomously called him a creature in a mask. A monster. She'd known nothing about him, denying the possibility that it could be a human beneath the black and silver helmet. It had been less complicated. A villain with no face was much easier to strike down. Which, she recalled, had been her first intent. And against all reason, he had removed it as if to calm her. He had been so cordial, until she had resisted, of course. Beneath the mask had been flesh and bone. A man.

_‘And then... Then... I met you.’_

Shock could hardly suffice as a word to explain what she felt. She noted the way his fingers tightened, gloved hands forming the shape of fists. These were not revelations to be made lightly. Though he may not have considered her as an enemy, he was not certain if she had felt the same and yet he continued on... Perhaps he was the truly brave one, of the two of them.

_‘We're in a stalemate. I won't kill you and I will not have you killed. I've accepted that now.’_

She wanted to disbelieve him. That which was cowardly in her wanted to protest. Running made sense, it felt right when she was in danger. But he was not presenting her with a challenge, he'd made no moves against her. And he had never lied to her. Not even when it would have been a kindness. He'd been honest, ruthlessly so. Reminding her of the facts she had tried to ignore, to push away and hide under the veil of false hope and denial. That she had been nobody, her parents had been the same. Worse, even.

So, if he said he would not kill her and would not have her killed... She had no choice but to believe him. His actions certainly were in alignment with the statement. She could not say the same in turn. Her actions always became violent when their meeting turned inevitably towards conflict. The first to act, to throw the first blow.

Hesitantly, she lifted her fingers to the latch on her helmet. She fumbled for a moment or two, finding that her hands were shaking, fine tremors making her normally dexterous fingers quite clumsy. A moment later, she succeeded - there was an audible click as the helmet released from the gorget, the neck seal of her space suit tightening around her throat - a strange sensation she had taken a few days to get used to, realizing it had been part of the engineering of the suit to keep the rest of the suit still regulated in the absence of the helmet. She rested it on her hip after a moment of holding it awkwardly as if deciding whether or not to put it right back on.

_‘And I've tried to forget.’_

She couldn't look at him. She felt too exposed with her face bared to him. As if now that he could see her face, he could see the scattered mess of her thoughts, the tangle of knots that pulled painfully at her heart strings. That he would see in her the things she tried to keep hidden, even from herself. Much like the island he'd spied when he'd first broken into her mind. The way she'd foolishly craved a place in Han's crew - the way she'd hoped in doing so, she might know what it was like to have a father. A cruel fact he'd had no qualms about throwing back in her face. But she felt no such intrusion now, she could not feel his presence pressing against her mind. These candid revelations were words alone, the vulnerability was not fabricated simply for her benefit to lure her in. Her hazel eyes roamed over anything else in the room. She tried to keep her face blank. She wanted to be strong. Resolute.

_‘I've tried to forget. But Rey, I was never able to. I saw you everywhere.’_

Her composure was crumbling, her lower lip trembled. His words could well have been her own. Irrationally, she tried to deny them. It seemed such an impossibility that they could have experienced the same things in the absence of the other. She shook her head softly as if it could ward off his words and the painful echo that reverberated in her chest. No, he was supposed to have been grateful she had left. He had assumed the position of Supreme Leader and that meant they were supposed to be opposed. He had rejected her plea for him to return with her to the rebels. If only he had accepted, if only he had spared them a few more lives... His mother might not have... Might not given up and her master would not now be dead. She would not have been alone and would not have even been here! He was supposed to hate her for running away, for leaving him behind. If he did... If only he did...

_‘Maybe this is our last chance. You won't join me and I can never join you. Nor can I forget you, nor can I kill you.’_

This wasn't fair. She was unprepared. Nobody had warned her of this possibility. The upper ground she had felt she had possessed just moments ago that it seemed he had thoughtlessly sacrificed to her now felt like it was tilting rapidly.

_‘So what will you do? Will you end it?’_

He paused, drawing a breath that was unsteady as her own.

_‘Will you kill me?’_

What was she supposed to do? She moved away from the door, setting her stolen helmet down on the small table nearby. Thief. Liar. She was the dishonorable one. The one who could not be trusted and yet he seemed to. The next steps were hers to make alone. It frightened her. She did not know whether to trust the tiny thread of hope she held onto. That she had been right on Ach-To, that he was not beyond redemption. However, he had said he could never join her... And how could she join him? It seemed an impossibly cruel thing to do, to ask her these things.

Her hand shot out, she felt his saber on his belt as she had in Snoke's throne room. With the twitch of her fingers, it flew through the air, answering her call through the Force. She held in both hands, its weight heavy in her grasp. She should ignite it. She should finish this. One way, or another. Her thumb brushed against the ignition switch but she found that she had no true desire to ignite it. She stared down at it and after a long moment, she placed it down beside the helmet.

"I-it's... It's not the Jedi way." Her voice sounded to her as if it was a thousand miles away, as if, perhaps, they were spoken by someone else. They were the words she thought she was supposed to say. They were the words she was expected to say. He deserved better. Her expression hardened, turning to a scowl of disgust. She felt anger flaring in her veins, bringing heat to her limbs that had felt numb only moments ago.

"No. NO!" She growled, taking several steps to distance herself from the table and the objects upon it.

She shook her head violently - revulsion at herself. STOP! She screamed at herself.

Tell the truth, she thought desperately, the words begging to be spoken, clawing their way up her throat. She had moved to the far corner of the room, backing away from her stolen helmet, away from him. She stopped only when her back collided with the wall behind her. Despairing, she slid down the smooth panels, collapsing heavily on her backside as she moved her hands before her face, cool fingertips pressed against her eyelids in the vain efforts to stop burning tears from forging a path down her cheeks.

"I don't want to end your life, Ben. I can't." She couldn't tell him that she'd tried. That she'd spent precious moments standing above him as he still lay unconscious in the throne room. That the thought had come to her. But she couldn't do it then, unable to entertain the thought without bile rising in her throat. Instead she'd knelt beside him, replacing his saber on his belt before she'd taken off running - trying to get to the escape craft.

~

He had finally allowed himself to look at her and be seen by her. He had already shown her far too much, he might as well let himself show his face for the price of seeing hers. It was not what he had expected or dreaded. Quite the opposite. Her expression was a mirror. Her eyes held everything he felt and more. He hadn't dared to hope as much. It was as bittersweet as it had always been. Her divine features were washed with a painful grief and a frustration that both of them knew far too well. It made Ben sorry that he had even opened his mouth to answer her.

He felt his lightsaber fly from his belt and through the air to her outstretched hands. He wasn't about to stop her, yet he couldn't suppress a twinge of what he could only guess was… uncertainty. Weakness. He began to question his own conviction: Was he truly ready? Was he truly ready to die? To surrender and suffer and give up? For her to kill him with his own weapon? He wasn't sure… what it was that needed to hold on. He had surrendered himself to this solution in his mind months ago. It would be better this way. Far better. The heroes win. For his crimes, for disappointing everyone to ever reach for him, he would be slain. What would she do afterwards? Would she be able to run? Would General Hux become the new Supreme Leader? What would his mother think? Ben scolded his last sentiment. She wouldn't care. Not after Han. His own mother... she too, would wish for his death, to end both of their suffering.

A thousand rampant thoughts cascaded through his mind in seconds, keeping time with his rapidly thundering heartbeat as he was aware that this could be the last time that he would ever be allowed to think. An abstract terror that he put down to cowardice and weakness coursed through him. There was still so much that he had never been able to say, so much that he couldn't tell her, because she would be his murderer. He did not blame her. She would be doing them both a service and helping the cause that mattered most in the galaxy. This was what she was trained to do. She would only be completing her work: to first break him and then end his misery, releasing them both from their otherwise inevitable prison.

She did not ignite the beam.

That was when Ben knew, even before she had put it down: she would not submit to the same darkness that had consumed his way of thinking. Why did he believe for a moment that she would? He was such a fool... Of course she wouldn’t kill him. It seemed that this, too, was no longer an option for the two of them.

_"I-it's... It's not the Jedi way."_ She confirmed, despite her voice being small.

What was the sinking sensation he felt at that moment? Something close to disappointment? He couldn't understand why. Surely he should not want to die? ...Should he?

Then there were her words: ‘the Jedi way’. She sounded like Luke. Had he put those words in her mouth? It almost infuriated him. Even when he had heard her voice without her mask for the first time since the throne room, her words weren't her own. Had she accepted the way of the Jedi? She must have changed from when he had saw her last, he was sure of it. Ben’s eyes were swimming with tears. He could hardly see clearly anymore.

That was when she surprised him yet again.

_“No. NO!”_ She growled, backing away towards the wall.

Ben had no doubt. This was her real voice. How it hurt him that it was so torn by despair. Had he done this? He despised himself. Here he was once more, causing her all the pain that was in his very nature to cause her and to spread. It was a pity that she could not kill him. It would be better if he were dead. The more he considered the option, the more he believed it was true. The more he wanted it to be true.

He wondered if she were protesting against her own instincts to kill him or whether she was merely frustrated that she could not kill him, or whether it was both. Ben hurriedly, even ferociously wiped his eyes before his tears could fall and he was startled to watch her do the same as she had sunk down the metallic wall to sit on the floor.

_‘I don't want to end your life, Ben. I can't.’_

Ben longed to reach out to her. Her words crushed him. It was proof of what he hadn't dared for so long to let himself believe: that she felt the same way, that they were truly the same.


	7. Chapter 7

 

Ben swallowed. He inched closer to her, unsure of how she would react.

 

Before he could fully grasp what was happening his sinking feelings overcame his body and he lowered himself onto his knees. He wanted to be on her level. Her sorrow only added to what he already felt himself.

 

“I understand now.” He said to her. “I think I’ve always understood. The force makes it clear to me... it was never our destinies to kill one another.”

 

She looked up at him vacantly. He knew she was right to question his words. What did this mean? What else could they do?

 

Ben's eyes lingered longingly on the lightsaber that she had left on the table. Could he do it? Could he bring himself to...

 

He didn't have much time to think over the option. She would realise his plan soon enough. Ben reached out his hand and his lightsaber was returned to him. He stood up and gazed at the uncompromising metal of the handle, at the weapon that he had used to kill so many in his blinding anger. He turned it in his hands so that the blade would face his body.

 

“I know you can't do it.” Ben accepted. “But there is another way.”

 

His finger rest on the trigger, ready to set off the beam. It would be quick, he promised himself, as his hands shook and his tears continued to make streams down his cheeks. It would be quick.

 

~

 

It would have pained her to know how the action of taking his saber from him had caused him to begin to process the possibility of his own demise. She would have scolded herself for such a careless, impulsive action. She would have criticized herself for once again acting thoughtlessly. She was poison. A lifetime reared by her own hand had given her a brashness that had turned her into a toxicity to others because she simply had never had to consider the consequences of her actions. 

 

Her solitary existence had spoiled her with such an ingrained selfishness that she feared she could never truly discard. A selfishness that had become a source of weakness, the decay in her character that made her leap at a chance to fill the void within her even if it came at a great cost to those she snagged in her clutches. Look at what happened to Han! To Luke... And now, their flesh and blood was willing to die by her hand.

 

Having had to face her own mortality on more than one occasion, she would have been truly mortified to know he was considering it now. He had, too, no doubt - but for it to come from the hand of someone who...

 

Who what?

 

She hadn't the nerve to even begin to answer that particular question. She was afraid of what it would mean. For as much as she craved connection, a place to belong, to share her life... It also petrified her. The thought of needing someone so damn much when she'd only been dependent on herself... She drug her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them tightly as if she could possibly hope that such actions might bring her some comfort.

 

It was the same foolish hope she'd had each and every time she'd found herself drowning in emotion with her knees drawn up to her chest - like the first night she'd truly realized down to the marrow of her bones that her parents were not going to return. How she'd sobbed until her head ached from it, fingertips digging into her legs as she'd tried to console herself, quite ineffectually. It was a behavior she'd adopted from her childhood. Huddled in the dark with no one but herself to comfort her when she'd been wrested from uneasy sleep by nightmares... Or even the first time she'd fallen ill - uncertain if she was dying or if the hellish symptoms would fade... When she'd failed to bring in a haul large enough to earn rations and her stomach howled its indignation, how she'd tried to reassure herself she'd do better the next day.

 

She heard, rather than saw the steps Ben made as he moved closer to her. Perhaps he was worried that she would try to run again, thinking if he moved slowly it would be non-threatening and she might not bolt. She could hardly blame him. In every instance they'd been thrown together she'd acted like a wild animal. Why should he suspect now to be any different? She ought to be put into a cage for all the wildness within her. To her surprise, he had lowered himself to his knees before her, drawing her gaze from the floor towards his face.

 

_ ‘I understand now. I think I’ve always understood. The force makes it clear to me... it was never our destinies to kill one another.’ _

 

Her eyes burned with the need to blink but she couldn't. Almost as if she'd forgotten how. She was transfixed. She tried to look away but instead she found her gaze travelling from his eyes to the shape of his mouth, to the ragged scar that marked his face to the untamed fall of his dark hair. She was trying to comprehend the meaning behind his words. Had he thought of something that she had not? Did he have the solution to this impossible riddle the Force had inflicted upon them?

 

It would not surprise her. For in almost every way she could think of, he was her superior. Being the son of a General, there was little doubt in her mind that he had received an exceptional education. Something she'd never received formally, perhaps it had conditioned his mind to function in a different way... Perhaps he had traveled down a thousand different paths that she had not even begun to consider and reached a conclusion that would not result in either of them having to shatter their very soul to free themselves from this misery.

 

He looked away, his expression was foreign to her but it did not take her long to follow his line of sight. Her brow furrowed, lips parting as if to speak but his raised hand silenced her. In an instant his weapon was homed in his palms. He stood, the tears falling down his cheeks unchecked. He turned the blade, away from her, silencing her thoughts, wondering if he had a change of heart so soon. But this was worse, so much worse. She froze, eyes widening as full blown comprehension hit her.

 

_ ‘I know you can't do it. But there is another way.’ _

 

She pitched forward onto her hands and knees as she moved, scrambling to get to her feet - Force help her! Never in all her life did she wish she could move faster then she did in this moment. His tone was resigned to this fate he had chosen. If she wasn't quite so stupefied from the sheer terror that had sprung up in the wake of interpreting his words and actions she might have felt frustrated. With herself for not being able to express herself in such a way that could have prevented this... The pain he wore so evidently, such pain that was enough to drive him to this! Frustrated with him for thinking this was somehow a choice!

 

He could not see her, his eyes trained on his weapon, his thumb resting upon the trigger just as hers had, only minutes away from them now but it felt a lifetime ago. He felt so far away, why did it feel as though her limbs had turned to wood when she needed to reach him the most? It was determination, panic, and impulse alone that was driving her. Three powerful drives committing to one frantic need. To stop him. She felt every bit a child again, screaming, begging for the people who mattered the most to her to stay. There was no time for her to acknowledge the gravity of sentiment, fleeting in its clarity amongst the chaos in her mind.

 

"BEN!" Her voice nearly cracked, the shout was stained with emotion. Fright, anger, desperation. It was as much a plea as it was a demand. To stop. Though bright with tears, her eyes shone with the spark of resolve.

 

If he succeeded, there was nothing on the other side. For either of them. She could not ask him to come back, she could not wait - there could be no tally marks on the wall marking her endless vigil in the hope he would return.

 

Well, she was a child no longer. She was not so weak that she would simply watch and let life happen to her. She had a voice, she had the means to be an active participant in the outcome of her fate. It seemed in her decision she was quite happy to deprive him of his own. Selfish, needful creature that she was. She grit her teeth. Only seconds stood between her and a loss that she was uncertain she could recover from.

 

She dropped slightly, planting her feet and thrust from her knees to drive her shoulder into his chest, reaching to seize his wrists and pushing down with all her strength - begging...Fate or th-the Force or whatever it was that had brought them together that it would be enough to cause the muscles of his fingers to lose their grip on his saber before it was too late! It landed with a heavy metallic sound at their feet. She didn't care if it was damaged in the fall - with a particularly savage motion from her foot she sent it skidding away from them where she could pretend it could do him no harm.

 

"Don't you dare!" She'd manage to grind out the first word as a growl but the adrenaline was fading now that the imminent danger had passed. It left her drained, her voice wavering. Her balled fist collided against his chest but there was no fight in it. Her chest heaved, trying to keep her breathing in check but she was failing. She raised her hand to her mouth, clamping her fingers across it in the attempt to keep herself from sobbing. It was pathetic, undignified, even. She could not, for the life of her, seem to regain her composure. Yet, it seemed a small price to pay in light of what could have happened.

 

~

 

It happened too fast. The temptation that he held in his hands, followed by her call; fierce and invasive as an alarm bell. The lightsaber fell from his grasp as she rammed her shoulder against his chest, her hands leaping to his wrists. To think... that if he had struck too early, they both could have been impaled in less time than it would take for him to blink. She kicked the weapon to the side and he watched it spin away as his head pounded and a wave of nausea passed over him.

 

_ ‘Don't you dare!’ _

 

He still felt the impact of where she had thrown herself. He touched where her shoulder had hit, his mouth hung open in all the midst of his astonishment and dismay. She saved him.

 

He tried to swallow but he couldn't do it. He couldn't speak either. He just stood there, caught in the web of his own making, caught in the space between life and death, between his acceptance of death and his will to keep going. He had come so close. Closer than he had ever come in battle. Closer... because it was what he willed. Rey was breathing heavily beside him, her eyes ablaze, her hands to her mouth in what Ben could only assume was... horror? Was she angry? It wouldn't surprise him. Yet was she aware of what she had done? She had saved him. Him! The Supreme Leader. The monster she had shut out. The one to have caused her allies, closest friends and the light side of the galaxy such distress. It was his turn to ask why. It would have been better for both of them if she had let him die. Yet then there was no doubt when he observed the watercolour of her trembling hands and reddened cheeks... that she cared. What she did wasn't an act of heroism, not completely. She did truly feel the same as he did for her.

 

It was a terrifying realisation: the understanding that neither of them could live without the other in a war where they were expected to kill each other. He just couldn't pull it from his mind that she cared. She actually cared. She saved his life...

 

“I...” He could hardly say a word to either console her or himself. He took a deep breath and raised his gloved hands to his face, pressing the cool leather to his shuddering sobs to smother them. Then he could try and speak once more.

 

“Rey, I... I didn't think you would...”

 

It was no use. He couldn't put the words together. It was like he was floating. She was the only point of focus that he could cling to. The only anchor in the sea. He could barely stand. What was happening to him? He couldn't find the solid state of mind that he would usually hide himself away in. The state of mind that he had learned to resort to in the moments of intensity on the battlefield or of ruthlessness in the interrogation cells. The entire world itself had become had become like a shifting liquid. He came to the wall and used its hard surface to stabilise him, leaning his arm against its cold form.

 

He wanted, no, needed to apologise to her...

 

He had not made any apologies in years. It was against what he had learned. Then again, he had not admitted to himself that he had a heart in years. He still knew it was true and that he couldn't deny it any longer. His every action had turned from calculating to purely instinctual. She had undone him once more. She had defeated him all over again and she didn't even know it.

 

He paused to draw in a breath. He couldn't believe what he was doing. This was never a part of any plan.

 

“I'm sorry.” He confessed, and it was hardly more than a raw whisper.

 

It seemed completely unsatisfactory when compared with what he felt, not to mention inappropriate when compared with the colossal damage he had caused.

 

“I'm...sorry.” He repeated, as if the more he said the word, the more it could somehow even begin to feel like a logical thing to say under the circumstances.

 

He must have sounded more than pathetic. He must have sounded like a fool. He didn't care. He looked her up and down. She was staring at him, still distraught. His attempt at suicide had truly affected her...

 

What would happen now? What would they do? Where could they go? Ben longed more than anything to merely stay with her. He longed to touch her hand, to hold her shoulder, to brush away the tears on her cheeks. Even with the sweat of fear and stress, her sharp anger and her tears of grief, she was a vision to behold. Her skin shimmered, her rosy lips had set in place as she watched him, a kind of ferocity danced in her look as her loose wisps of hair appeared to tickle her face and neck. There was something else there in her expression too. Something he couldn't quite define.

 

He took a step closer to her.

 

“I was wrong.” He admitted. “I thought my pride, my power and my position was what mattered most in the world to me.” He swallowed again, his mouth was dry and the lump in his throat had remained there. “I thought that there was no one in the world who I could possibly have any care for.” He continued, once more unable to hold his tongue since he had began. “I was wrong, Rey. I've been so, so wrong.”

 

He knew she would reject him. Just because she saved his life didn't meant that she understood why he could not bear to see her harmed, why he had bought her onboard the ship in the first place. Ben was only just beginning to realise the truth himself, after all. He knew this entire exchange was madness, but he had to search for a way, any way to end his agony. Even if it meant she could disappoint him, hurt him or leave him again, as he was sure she would eventually have to. At least he would have some idea of how she felt and what she felt after she knew the truth. At least he could put his mind at ease. It struck him like a knife: this must be what he wanted from her all along. Just to for her to know. Just to help her understand.

 

“I care about you.” Ben finally told her in a small whisper.

 

He couldn't believe he was saying it. It wasn't even the whole truth. No, he had to go all of the way. He had to just tell her. He simply had to. His lips could barely form any more words. His hands shook. He took another bold step closer to her.

 

“Rey.” He breathed as his heart did a quickstep and he began to sweat profusely like an animal. “I can’t do this anymore. I have to tell you the truth. And the truth is...” he tried not to tear up again. It was nearly impossible to find his voice. “The truth is... I lo-“

 

The intercom fuzzed in the corner of the room.

 

“-Supreme Leader Ren.”

 

Ben could have taken up his lightsaber and tried to kill himself once more purely out of sheer embarrassment. Of all the times that General Hux could have interrupted him, of all the times that something could disturb him, why, why, WHY did it have to be THEN?!

 

Ben fell silent, his heart sinking. He raised his hands to his head. Rey stood there, frozen once more.

 

“Ren!” Hux called irritably once again.

 

Ben grit his teeth. He raised a finger to his lips as a sign for Rey to stay silent.

 

“I'll be with you in five minutes.” Ben snarled darkly.

 

“You're needed now.” Hux sneered on the other side. “This is a matter of vital importance.”

 

Ben tried to control his boiling temper. It was exceedingly difficult. He would have smashed the intercom with his lightsaber if he were sure that Rey would let him have his weapon and that such an action wouldn't make Hux suspicious as to what had led him into such a frenzy.

 

“I will not be summoned like a dog!” Ben bellowed at the intercom. “I will come to you if and when I am ready!”

 

It was with this final remark that the intercom fuzzed and turned off once more. Panic flooded through Ben as swiftly and powerfully as a river breaking through a dam. Rey... what would happen to her? How could he keep her safe there? He turned to look at her, his thoughts beginning to clarify.

 

“We have to get you out of here...” he said aloud.


	8. Chapter 8

Her own shoulder responded to the force with a dull ache to remind her, she would eventually have to learn restraint. When that day came, she hoped it would be at a juncture in their lives when such reckless actions would not be necessary. That restraint would be tempered with peace. With a pang, she realized she had included him in that brief moment, as part of her future. Her eyes moved back towards him, wide, as if worried that he might have heard her thoughts for how clear and assured they had been.

 

His hand moved to where she'd collided with him, his mouth hanging open. She dropped her hand, forcing her arms down by her side as she straightened her shoulders - preparing to defend her actions. If he wanted her to feel remorse for striking him, she would refuse. She was NOT apologetic for... For stopping him from committing the most heinous of crimes yet? Never. Especially when it would have been his very last act. Something about the concept of his final moments being ones steeped in despair seemed too cruel. He had been through enough, had he not? Her gaze was intent, almost as if she was daring to him speak a single word in admonishment, ready to shut down whatever vein of argument he could have formulated.

 

But it was not a fight she saw when she looked upon his features. He raised his hands to his face, hiding it from her view as he tried to collect himself. A feeling she understood far too easily. Her posture softened, her lips curving downwards in a frown as she struggled with what she should do. Her fingers relaxed from the firsts she'd clenched. His misery resonated within herself, she wanted to soothe him, to ease the shaking of his shoulders, to bring a peaceful end to the sobs that wracked his body. It was a task that she was ill prepared for. Matters such as these were foreign to her. If he had been made of metal and his entire was comprised of intricate circuitry, she would have had a far greater hope of successfully mending him. How could she comfort him when she could not even console herself?

 

_ ‘Rey, I... I didn't think you would…’ _

 

Didn't think she would, what? Did he truly think her so heartless that she could simply stand by and watch such... Such an act? She felt ill. It would not have been so far out of the realm of possibility, she supposed, based on the way she had behaved in the past. Her jaw worked, lips parting to speak but they moved uselessly as she blinked, trying to find words that... Well, words, it seemed, in general. But none had come, just a gentle sigh as she pressed her lips into a thin line of defeat.

 

_ ‘I'm sorry.’ _

 

She could not move. She could not speak. She felt as though she'd become a voiceless, formless spectator - watching two broken forms from some point above their shoulders.

 

_ ‘I'm... sorry.’ _

 

She shook her head. No, it was her... These were the words she ought to have spoken! When he had done nothing but reach for her, she had rejected him. Hurt him. Physically, permanently. And the look on his face as she'd shut the door to the Falcon had plainly revealed it had been emotionally, too.

 

"Ben, please..." She whispered. He took a step towards her, one that she had mirrored unintentionally at the same moment. There was such a distressingly small amount of space between them. She could not be trusted to be so close. At least not by herself and if he had any reserve of wisdom remaining, he would not trust her, either. But in spite of any danger they may have posed for each other, neither of them moved away. Had they moved beyond being threats to one another? It certainly felt that way. He spoke, his words falling upon her ears as she stared stupidly at his chest - afraid if she were search his face, she would discover she had simply been imagining their exchange all along.

 

_ ‘I thought that there was no one in the world who I could possibly have any care for. I was wrong, Rey. I've been so, so wrong’ _

 

She couldn't believe what she was hearing. It seemed like a tantalizingly cruel joke to play and yet... There was no hint of deception in his tone. This did not feel like a sadistically dark jest uttered simply to toy with her. If only she could just... Listen. Trust. Believe.

 

_ ‘I care about you.’ _

 

She lifted her head, lips parted in disbelief. She stared up at him and he moved forward again. Her heart hammered in her chest. Perhaps she was simply imagining it but he stood so close that she thought she could feel his warmth. Or perhaps it was her own being radiated back at her bare face. She wasn't certain - nothing seemed to matter overly much, not in comparison to what he was saying. She was caught in the web of words he had spun. H-he cared? About her. It was ridiculous, it defied logic and yet how could she hope to dismiss it as anything less than the truth?

 

_ ‘Rey. I can't do this anymore. I have to tell you the truth. And the truth is... I lo-’ _

 

She reached for him, hesitantly. But whatever words he was about to speak, she would never know. Her face jerked away, startled by the sound of the intercom - eyes wide as she scanned the room, looking for the source. Was there surveillance here after all? No. As it sounded again, Hux's voice sliced through the stunned silence that filled the room after his initial interruption. She closed her eyes, arms wrapping around her waist, trying to cling the moment the General had ruined, already she could feel it slipping away. The spell had been shattered.

 

When she opened her eyes, Ben was holding his finger to his lips to remind her to be silent. She nodded, catching her lower lip between her teeth. It wasn't long before the two men were growling at one another once again. She could feel the heat of Ben's anger building within him. It made her nervous, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She knew it was not directed at her, it was not fear that made her uneasy. Instead, it was how readily her heart beat like war drums. In anticipation, ready... To join him. Perhaps there was Darkness within her, too - in the way it did not seem to take much to get her blood up. They had fought well together. They had claimed victory together. It was a singular feeling that she could neither forget or hope to replace with someone else at her back ever again.

 

_ ‘I will not be summoned like a dog! I will come to you if and when I am ready!’ _

 

She realized with a sinking heart that he could not stay here. As much as she may have wished to go back to that moment, they could not. It seemed as if they had strayed into a dream, a brief reprieve where they had the luxury of speaking to one another as they had through the Force Bond that night when they'd first touched their hands together. It had been Luke to interrupt them before and now it was Hux. Would that they had been able to cross paths before the war, another time... Another life!

 

‘ _ We have to get you out of here…’ _

 

She didn't disagree. His quarters did not seem to have a great deal of locations to hide in. And, for the moment, she still had a degree of anonymity. Amongst her squadron, at least - probably most of the storm troopers, really. If she could manage to avoid upper leadership, she might be able to survive a little longer. She was already moving, against her truest desires. She swiped her helmet from the table. She hesitated, staring at it for a second before she put it back down, moving to stand before him.

 

It was a horribly impulsive thing to do but while her words left much to be desired when it came to conversing with him, actions at least had seemed to reach him. She reached for his gloved hand, holding it in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze as she strained on to her tip toes, other hand resting lightly on the back of his neck to draw his face closer to her own. She searched his dark eyes with her own for the briefest of moments before closing her eyes and straining further still, pressed her forehead against his own. She inhaled deeply, a shuddering breath.

 

The touch lingered for a moment longer than it should have, defying the spark of urgency that had been ignited within them both. She needed him to know she cared, too, even if there was no time to put it into words. But she could not ignore the cruel reality that awaited them impatiently, for long. She lowered herself away from him, her hands falling to her sides, spinning on her heel back to the table to sweep the helmet off its surface. She shoved it on before her resolve could weaken, clicking it back into place.

 

"Be careful, Ben." Her voice was garbled by the helmet's voice modulator once more but it did not hide the concern she felt. She did not trust Hux in the slightest and the way that they quickly pulled each other into hostility was worrisome. How long before the chain snapped and Hux did something truly mutinous? How long before he strained the depths of Ben's controls and baited him into doing something damning? She drew a deep breath, fingers pressing the door controls - it slid open before her. A quick glance into the corridor revealed it to be empty and she stepped out into it. Hopefully she could remember her way back to the gymnasium and her new quarters... There were an awful lot of other things now vying for her mind's attention. The truth was, she would have to return to her squadron. They would be expecting her.

 

She cast one last lingering look back at Ben before marching back into the hallway. Hopefully, they could meet again. And soon. Before she was found out and their fates were taken out of their hands.

 

~

 

Her other hand met his. Ben remembered: the only time he had been touched affectionately by anyone for many years, aside from the dying touch of his father's palm on his cheek, was when their fingers met through the force bond. He held his breath and tried to stay separate, elusive and cold, but he was sure that she knew now, for certain, what her touch did to him. She reached her other hand to the back of his neck and as he lowered his head for her, his heart hadn't stopped its mad dance behind the barrier of his chest. He stared at her, trying to access what the look in her eyes was saying to him. They glimmered with kindness. He hadn’t seen what kindness looked like for more than a decade. Her eyes closed as her forehead met his, and how could he not help but lean into every touch she gave him? He closed his eyes to mirror her and he could feel her warmth in front of him, not just from her body, but her very soul. The goodness inside of her. He didn't feel deserving of it, yet he could not resist it. He would have been more than content to stay in that place for all of time. Just like that night by the fire... only this was something else... something far more intimate, something...

 

She drew away. He knew she was right to do so. He was losing his mind, becoming so... soft. He hadn't felt this vulnerable since the last time he had seen her. Then it was over. Reality set back in as she put the mask of the stormtrooper back on.

 

“Be careful, Ben.” She addressed through the cold voice modulator of the helmet.

 

He was a little surprised to hear her warn him. Him?! What about her?! She was the one who could be killed on sight if someone, anyone recognised her. He was so selfish for wanting her to stay. How could she? And how could he possibly keep her safe in the very home of her greatest enemies? As she opened the door and carefully slid away, he was tempted to stop her, to come up with another plan, any other plan to help her, maybe even to get her off board. Yet he was already aware of the time he spent watching her go with his entire being filled with dread and uncomfortable uncertainty.

 

She had warned him...

 

Ben’s thoughts turned to Hux. That must have been what she meant. She was intuitive, but it didn't take a genius to see the extents of their conflict as of late. She was right: he had to be careful. He had to be who he had once believed he was: a dark soldier, the supreme leader, a ruthless dictator. Even more ruthless than Hux. It was difficult. He could put on a brave or stony face for sure, but he was finding it increasingly difficult to remain as much of a beast on the inside as he appeared to be from the outside. Every second she spent with him changed him further…

 

~

 

He found Hux in one of the boardrooms where it was usual for them to have such meetings. It was a small, dark, cell-like, square room with no windows and a number of security cameras and control panels. Ben felt suffocated there. As soon as he entered, he wanted to leave again. It was just the two of them, but officers giving out orders and stormtroopers busily following them could be heard easily from outside. The walls were paper-thin. Ben could already feel the weight of Hux’s look as he entered, but he didn't want to meet it with his own. He feared it would throw him off, or that Hux would find some traces of compassion left in his eyes from when he was with Rey.

 

“This had better be important.” Ben grumbled, his hands were tightening into fists again, -another coping mechanism that he had used even when he was a child to make himself feel stronger.

 

“I wouldn't have called you here if it wasn't.” Hux answered sharply, and in the corner of Ben’s eye, he could see a subtle smirk dancing behind Hux’s features.

 

That was never a good sign. Be careful, she had said...

 

“It's your mother.” Hux carried on slyly.

 

Ben’s heart tightened up as though somebody had reached inside of him and gripped it. He knew Hux was taking his time to spit it out deliberately, leaving him for an agonising moment in this horrific state of tension. What about her, damn it! Was she hurt? Had he found her? Was she... Had Hux...? Ben couldn’t think of that.

 

“She and the others have been seen.” Hux finally admitted, and Ben let out a silent breath. If they had been attacked or worse, Hux wouldn't be able to resist revealing that to him at this point. “In the Western Reaches.”

 

Ben finally dared to look Hux in the eye. He needed to prove to Hux, to show him that he was unaffected by this news. That he was better, stronger that what Hux was probably assuming.

 

“When were they seen?” Ben questioned numbly.

 

The General’s expression turned sour.

 

“Some days ago.”

 

Ben narrowed his eyes and grounded himself on the floor, taking a step closer to Hux and attempting to use his height to tower over him.

 

“Then it's hardly urgent news, is it?” Ben stated harshly as his bubbling emotions began to build. “They're always on the move, they could be anywhere by now-“

 

“-we’re closer to finding them.” Hux cut in, his expression was as lethal as a blade. “And when we do-”

 

“-You will bring General Organa to me.” Ben concluded, his breathes grew heavy as his blood boiled.

 

“And you will kill her, won't you?” Hux asked, a hunger in the intensity of his words.

 

Ben didn't want to pause, but he still did. He couldn't help but pause. Hux saw it immediately, and like something wild, he was about to pounce on the fact, but before he could do so, Ben confirmed it.

 

“Yes.” Ben agreed lowly. “I will kill her.”

 

Hux smiled. Ben felt as though he were standing on the very edge of a large cliff. Be careful, she had said.

 

“You had better.” Hux spat, pulling Ben straight out of his thoughts like a fisherman pulling him up by a hook. “And I will make sure of it.”

 

Ben glared at him.

 

“Do not threaten me, Hux.” Ben snarled, careful to make every his every word as clear and intimidating as possible. “And remember to whom you speak.”

 

That made him quiet for the moment. Ben eventually allowed himself to take a minute to step away from him and let his loose thoughts pass over his mother. What could she be doing at that moment? Did she mourn for Luke as much as he was sure she did for Han? Did she blame him for Luke too? Probably. She was right to do so, after all. Even if Luke hadn't been a mere projection, Ben would have done anything back on Crait to slice straight through him.

 

Ben remembered where he was. He assumed that there was little else that the two could discuss and he was additionally eager to leave, but just has he was about to turn away and head back towards the door, Hux stopped him.

 

“Oh and one more thing.” He exclaimed, he reminded Ben of snakes and lizard-like creatures that he knew dwelled in the swamps of Dagobah from the stories of his childhood.

 

Another memory: Luke first telling him about the creatures born from the dark side. To be wary of them. Staying awake late at night with his knees to his chest as a mere child, paralysed in the darkness, forced to hear a hissing disembodied voice calling out to him and whispering to him an array of twisted truths and solid facts that he didn't want to hear. He would later realise that the voice belonged to Snoke. Ben shook it off. He had to remain attentive and present. In the moment...

 

“I've prepared a little welcome presentation to show the other troops and to integrate the new squadron you've let onboard.” Hux kept smiling. Ben didn't like it when he smiled. It seemed uncharacteristic for him and ill-suited to his cold, pale features. “I hope you approve.” Hux concluded with unmistakable insincerity.

 

Ben didn't like where this was going, but he supposed it was only necessary. It did make sense, after all.

 

“I was hoping you could even make a little introduction for them.” Hux continued falsely. “Just to address them since you were the one to bring them here.”

 

Ben sighed. He didn't see the point in this, but he still nodded. He was hardly troubled by Hux’s silly games and attempts to gain some kind of satisfaction out of his embarrassment. Ben was better than that, he told himself. He was the Supreme Leader. He could hardly be concerned by Hux’s attempts to make him uncomfortable.

 

“Fine.” Ben accepted. “I'll do it.”


	9. Chapter 9

She didn't like the idea of leaving Ben alone. Not after the moment they had shared. It seemed, after so much pain, they'd finally a moment to breathe. She wanted to stay there, to savor the way he'd leaned into her touch and how, for once, neither one of them offered resistance to the other. Not to send him off to face true enemies on his own. 

 

Yet, he had thrived in this environment for years and years. Perhaps it was foolish of her to be unable to shake away the growing feeling of apprehension. She ought to have greater confidence in Ben. He would not have been able to hold the position of Supreme Leader for this long without having the means to survive. But Hux's boldness had unsettled her. He was a viper in the long grass. Poised to strike, simply biding his time. At least, that was what her imagination told her as she imagined several awful scenarios as she navigated her way back to the gymnasium.

 

She had concerns of her own to contend with. The doors hissed open and the ever watchful eyes of CS-9874 fell upon her. She raised her fist, the rest of the squadron stopped their training, falling into a loose grouping, standing at ease. Apparently in Rey's absence, CS-9874 had not calmed down. She strode towards her with a gait that suggested nothing but hostility. Rey considered, for the briefest of moments, turning on her heel and booking it out of the gymnasium. JF-6371 followed not far behind the squad leader like an eager puppy.

 

"What did the Supreme Leader want with you?" The last word sounded a rather lot as if she had intended to use a much fouler term. Rey drew a deep breath, vowing to herself that she would not reply with the first thing that threatened to leap from her tongue. She knew what was at stake. It was an unfair advantage. One that, mercifully, CS-9874 was unaware of. If she was, there was no doubt she would have gone to General Hux or Kylo Ren herself with her metaphorical tail wagging, eager to lap up their praise. Instead, thankfully, the only advantage she was aware of having over Rey was simply having a higher rank. They were rules that Rey did not care for - CS's rank meant nothing to her personally but she would have to contend with them all the same.

 

"He wished to discuss potential mission parameters." She answered in as neutral a tone of voice as she could muster.

 

"Of a suicide mission?" JF-6371. His voice was unmistakable, even riddled with disdain. She tried hard not to make her irritation apparent. He was a kiss-up, forever following CS-9874. Devoted to her because he knew she would make some form of leadership beyond the mere scope of a squadron. In his eyes, she was destined for something greater. She belonged in the upper echelon and if he supported her progression... No doubt she would remember him fondly and see him into a place of comfort as well. It was a sickening notion, one that she wished she had made up out of mere contempt for the man but he had said as much himself - bragging to some of their other squad mates as if it would impress them.

 

"I am not at liberty to say." She responded, again, trying to sound as blank as possible. CS-9874 was not having any of it. She stepped closer and closer until there was a sliver of space between them. Perhaps she ought to have taken a step back but it was not in her nature to back down to a challenge of this sort. She remained resolute, her posture impeccable in spite of the way that her squadron leader leaned in, til there was the faintest clinking sound as their helmets met.

 

"You will not accept. It is absolutely 100% incomprehensible why he would select you... You! The least competent of all of us! If the Supreme Leader requires a soldier for a covert mission, it will be given to someone who is capable of completing it successfully!" She growled, her tone so low that only Rey could have heard her. She ground her teeth together, trying to think of what to say.

 

"Careful, CS-9874. Don't presume to make the decisions of the Supreme Leader for him. I shall simply obey orders. His orders." Rey could feel CS-9874's hatred, the jealousy. She almost laughed. The notion was truly absurd. That anyone would be jealous of her or she was worth the effort of hating. And yet, here this woman was - helmet pressed against hers in a threatening way as if they were two wild dogs fighting for a scrap of meat in a back alley.

 

"Do not test me, you little shit!" CS-9874 hissed hands seizing the edges of her chest armor between the gap where the pauldrons began. She was spared the headache of trying to find a response from the notification tone that sounded across all of the loudspeakers. The dinner bell. It was time to join the rest of the forces on board in the mess halls. There were far too many soldiers and staff to all possibly fit into the same one. Not that she could comprehend a possibility where the entire crew stopped their assigned processes to eat. 

 

The crew was too vast and there was too much to do on a cruiser of this size. There was probably a night crew and a day crew to ensure that everything was running smoothly which meant that as they were preparing to eat dinner, a significant portion of other workers and troopers would be running through their morning routines. Too busy a hive to suspect anything amiss. In addition to the practicality of it, there was of course the mixing of ranks to be avoided. A small mercy. Likely, the highest ranking officers would enjoy a more luxurious fare, seated away from the riffraff. Which meant the chances of her being recognized with her helmet off would be greatly reduced.

 

She fell in with the squad at CS-9874's order and the proceeded to their designated mess hall. Absently, Rey found herself wishing they'd had the opportunity to steal away for a shower before eating. It was amazing how quickly one could become accustomed to such luxuries after a lifetime being deprived of them. Less than a handful of years ago, she'd not had the option to indulge in a hot shower on a daily basis. She remembered the first time, she'd stared in amazement that the water simply did not seem to end. It was always ready at the taps - she didn't have to pump it or take steps to purify it! More incredible than the showers was the fact that she never found herself wanting for food. They were ordered to eat on a routine basis. Quality food, too. She'd learned that the First Order, while they did not focus on taste or presentation, certainly had developed their food service to provide the essentials for their soldiers to thrive. She had definitely seen and felt the benefits of it.

 

They filed in. It was with a small measure of relief that Rey noted they were not the last squadron to be entering the mess hall. CS-9874 guided them to one of the long tables in the rear of the room. They were the underdogs here - the other soldiers and technicians would take priority. Being the fresh meat, CS wisely made the decision to stay out from underfoot and to take up the least favored position in the room. If there were to be advancements made in the pecking order here, it would have to be earned. The squadron leader at least was wise enough to know that.

 

Once they were settled, their trays before them, it was time to remove their helmets. Rey was nervous, of course, but confident that there was no one in this room that would recognize her or even be looking for her. While she doubted the First Order would have marked her name with the fallen dead, she'd laid very low over the last year and her time in their clutches had been quite short. It was unlikely they would remember her, she tried to assure herself - slipping the helmet free of her head and latched it to the back of her belt as all the others had done. It was, apparently, unsanitary to place it on the table and it was disrespectful to place it on the floor - something she'd learned quite quickly.

 

They were about to begin eating - when the enormous screen at the end of the room flared to life - she had presumed it was simply a wall but, with a twist of fear and revulsion in as General Hux's face appeared, she realized that it was indeed a screen. She set her fork down, realizing that her hand had begun to shake and the metal was tapping against the edge of her tray. Gritting her teeth, she settled her hands into her lap, joining the hundreds of other troopers as they gave the screen their full attention.

 

~

 

Ben watched as Hux positioned himself so that he could be presented on the screen in front of the entirety of the dinner halls. The two of them had a view over the crowd of endless officers and some stormtroopers from up high on a balcony at the back, where their voices would also soon be projected for everyone to hear. There was something special about these moments for the General, Ben noticed. He was a true performer, enjoying the mere thrill of the seconds before he would take centre stage. There was a hasty aspect to the way he moved; the way his fingers fumbled to straighten his collar, the way he licked his lips like a predator about to devour a meal, how puffed out his chest with pride. Ben put it down to his excitement combined with just the slightest degree of nervousness that only spurred him on. It had been like this for years.

 

Ben could be called the exact opposite: he was never excited to show his face, and he couldn't allow himself to be nervous because that would ruin his form, not improve it. He scanned the revealed faces of the troops below. Somewhere, he supposed, Rey would be sitting among them. They were too far away to identify, and not even the force would tell him which way to turn his head. Yet he was sure she had to be there... somewhere. He bit his tongue as he wondered how long this could possibly go on for. Someone would recognise her eventually. It was only a matter of time.

 

The screen at the front of the hall was lit as Hux lifted his chin with genuine pride as he began:

 

“Hail to the First Order. Hail to our Supreme Leader.” He took a millisecond to smirk at Ben which made his stomach twist. He still didn't like where this was going. “Hail to all of you. Your strength and your numbers are the true power that we possess in this galaxy. The very blood and bones that give life to the First Order is you, our military. You, are the force that will forever ensure that our order, our power will dominate even the furthest planets in our star systems.”

 

Ben couldn't help but be impressed by the animated way in which Hux could capture and engage a crowd. He truly was born to be a public speaker. Ben was also confident in front of the masses, which he suspected was a skill he had inherited from his mother, but he would never share Hux’s clear enthusiasm for the task.

 

“You may have realised that our Supreme Leader has welcomed a new squadron into your midsts, having selected himself these skilled new members to make with all of you the very core of this: our First Order. I find it only fitting that he should introduce these new troops to you, and welcome them to the Ordinance.”

 

Hux took a step back, allowing Ben to take his place. Ben could see where this was going... he supposed it surely couldn't be so bad. He had to just grit his teeth and get through it.

 

“I have invited a squadron of troops from the outer rim to join us.” Ben confirmed. “I believe it's time to make as much use of our forces as we can, even from remotest outposts. The First Order is a machine. We need every one of you for it to work. That is why I invited them here earlier today. I trust they will make truly great additions to the inspiring strength of our military on The Ordinance.”

 

Ben only noticed then that the corners of Hux’s lips had turned upward again as he and Ben swapped places once more. What was he smiling about...?

 

“Truly great.” Hux repeated to the audience, as he motioned for a video to be played on the screen.

 

Ben hadn't expected anything other than live footage. He peered for a moment at the screen as he noticed that it was set in the gymnasium, with the stormtroopers from the outpost going through their training. Ben’s breaths grew short. He noticed Hux watching him in anticipation, waiting for his reaction. Whatever Hux was looking for, Ben was desperate not to give him the satisfaction. The video showed only the clumsiest moments of the stormtrooper’s training. Hux was making a point. It struck Ben like lightning: it wouldn't be possible for the exact moment that Rey-

 

His suspicions were unfortunately confirmed. In an instant, the moment that Rey was hit over the head by a baton in the sparring ring was projected in a ridiculously enormous scale to thousands and thousands of watching eyes.

 

“Inspiring strength.” Hux repeated again, clearly sarcastically this time, and Ben realised he was watching himself in the background of the video, his face heated from observing Rey in the ring.

 

He bit his tongue, his jaw set in his frustration.

 

“Shut it off.” Ben murmured to the nearby technicians.

 

Hux turned to scowl at him, his smile could fade away so quickly... Ben took a step back, away from the microphone so he wouldn't be heard.

 

“Shut. It. Off!” He repeated in a harsh whisper as the men around him hurried in their fright to end the presentation.

 

It was too late. Even as the screen cut back to live footage, Ben knew had showed his hand. He had done exactly what Hux had wanted and more. He saw his own face on the live screen and that it had clearly reddened with shame. He had revealed his humiliation not only to Hux, but to the entire First Order. Ben watched as his reflection hardened and a shadow passed over his face. Hux stepped back up to the microphone, practically pushing himself straight in front of Ben. It took all of Ben’s resolve not to force choke him or force push him in that very instant. Perhaps he should have, but he knew Rey was watching... he had been softened by her. He couldn't do this, not in front of an audience like this. Hux’s look was caught between a smug smile and a dry glare as he slicked back his already perfectly flattened red hair.

 

“Well then.” Hux scoffed as he readied to conclude, “I am quite sure that you will all welcome this squadron with pride into your ranks.”

 

“Turn the microphone off.” Ben mumbled to the men nearby, and before Hux could say anymore, the sound was cut out.

 

Ben could only imagine what Rey must have been feeling in that moment, but if it was anything like what Ben was experiencing, anyone around her should be afraid of her ferocity. Ben allowed his fury to surface. He took Hux by the collar and half dragged him back, away from the balcony and near to the elevator where he slammed him against the wall. Hux clawed at Ben’s arms as Ben held him there, his eyes wide with a small shock at how fast Ben had turned to using violence against him.

 

“Don't think I don't know what you just did.” Ben began darkly. “It won't work. Your pathetic games will not work on me or on them,” his grip on Hux tightened, “do you understand?!”

 

Hux seethed but he nodded nonetheless. Ben let him go. He was losing control... over something so minuscule. Without another word, or another insult, he turned on his heels and left Hux there. He would not be mocked out in the open, nor would he engage in yet another fight with him. No. It was far better that Ben allowed himself at least one moment’s peace, to try and gather his thoughts overnight... to try and figure out a plan or an opportunity to help Rey, in the quiet of his chamber, away from this madness... this chaos within the order.

 

~ 

 

Rey watched as the General prepared to speak - seemingly candid moments caught on the live feeds as he made his final adjustments, preparing to speak. Perhaps it had been intentional, to make him appear more human. Or maybe he was just that genuinely excited to address them all. Perhaps it was knowing that all eyes were on him, that everyone had to wait for him to speak before they could begin to eat... If that were the case, Rey surprised herself in discovering that it was indeed possible to think less of him than she did before. She disliked people who were self-important, who demanded an awful lot of respect and had not earned it.

 

The room was ensnared - a rousing call of hails and cheers as he addressed the many troops. Those who were not in the mess halls devoted to the upper echelon were freer with their reactions. Around her, her squadron joined in - CS-9874's eyes gleamed with pride, her gaze fixed to the screen, her fist raised to her chest as she beamed, admiration brazen on her features. It made Rey nervous, to see someone so devout to such a... such a man. 

Yet she could hardly deny the fact that he was an engaging speaker, as much as she disliked him, she couldn't ignore the evidence that the men and women around her responded well to his methods of presentation. He had turned, offering a look over his shoulder that the cameras could not capture from their angle. It had been only a brief moment, the slight shift in his posture revealed the fact that the Supreme Leader stood behind him. Rey's breath caught, her heart swelled at the sight of him, feeling heat rising to her cheeks. She hoped desperately that it did not show.

 

It was then that Hux began to speak about the new squadron. This did nothing to quieten CS-9874's presence being projected through the Force. Rey risked a glance across the table at her, her lips were quirking into a very smug grin. She was radiating pride. Here were the most esteemed members of the First Order military speaking about her squadron, personally! Rey did not share her feeling of elation.The mess hall was silent, however, the crew had no doubt been curious but their indoctrination ensured that they did not question. It wasn't their place. 

 

Then he began to move and Ben took his place. There was a subtle shift in the energy of the room, one that she did not understand. She had no way of knowing that there was a degree of skepticism born from the fact that when Ben had joined the First Order, it had been done so without him having to conform to the military protocols. He did not train with them. And while there were a great deal of rumors about him and his prowess on the field of battle, many of them were unsure of what to make of him.

 

Rey watched as Ben stepped into place behind the podium. She wondered where they were in the ship at this exact moment all the while, trying not to look overly interested. Instead, she tried to see him for how he must appear to all the others. His tall stature made even more pronounced now that it was so projected onto a massive wall. His shoulders were broad. He looked... Solid. Strong. His dark hair framing his face, the scar marking his features had given him an edge. In a way, it made him appear more hardened, tested and true. Worthy of respect of an empire of soldiers. Still, she regretted having been the hand to give it to him - having tasted the feeling of a plasma energy weapon burn on her arm during their fight against Snoke's guards had given her a greater understanding for the damage she had done. She could not possibly have imagined the pain, otherwise and for it, she found herself wanting to beg him for forgiveness, to express her endless regret. Thoughts she brushed aside, trying to remove her own personal perspective from her observation once again.

 

His voice was deep and he spoke clearly. A talent that she would have lacked had their positions been reversed. She doubted she could have addressed so many people and been as calm and collected as he appeared to be. It was a gift he seemed to inherit from his mother, she was reminded of General Leia's calm strength, seeing her grace reflected in her son. Still, his words and voice seemed to pale slightly in comparison to the intensity of his dark eyes. She concluded that leadership suited him. If only it was not at the head of such a nefarious organization.

 

Further musings on the subject were cut short abruptly by the end of his speech and General Hux moving to take his place in front of the camera once again.

 

_ ‘Truly great…’ _

 

He made a motion and the live coverage was cut - a video feed had been set to play. Clearly, it was from security cameras. Suddenly it was apparent why none of the officers or Hux had attended the training session that he had ordered - they didn't need to. They'd been monitored the entire time from some remote security station. Rey felt ill. Across the table, CS-9874 shifted - recognizing her squadron on the screen. Rey could hear the fingers of her gloves clenching the edge of the table. At first in anticipation but it quickly because obvious that these were not the best parts of the training that day. Rey couldn't have known that in her absence they had thrashed their targets. They were not incompetent, in spite of the way it appeared from these carefully manipulated sections of footage.

 

Cs-9874 let out a low rumble of outrage. This was unfair! This was not an accurate representation of her leadership! Rey couldn't tear her eyes away from the screen - the clip had changed, the sparring ring... Her eyes widened - she knew what was coming. Projected onto an impossibly large screen, the eyes of the First Order watched her embarrassingly bad luck. Almost as if it had been slowed down to drag out the most humiliation possible, she watched herself take the blow to the back of her head. 

 

She swallowed hard, unsure if it was a blessing or a curse that there had been no audio to accompany the footage. On one hand, none of the soldiers were able to hear the pained sound she'd made but there was nothing to distract her from the fact that the entire room was silent. Not a damn sound as the video made it apparent that they had found an angle in the room that showed not only her but Kylo Ren watching in the background. Hux was not only humiliating the squadron and the Supreme Leader but he was blatantly attempting to, and likely succeeding, in undermining the troops' view of him.

 

_ ‘Inspiring strength.’ _

 

Hux's voice broke the silence as the footage was cleared away, the live feed restored. The worst part was not the mocking sarcasm in his tone. Perhaps not even the hushed whisper as Ben ordered the feed to be terminated but they had panned in on his features, flushed with shame. Her own face, she felt burning with the wound dealt to her pride and something else... rage. The same rage that made her clench her teeth painfully together until her entire jaw ached with it. Beside her, LK-2081 shifted. She felt a comforting weight settle on top of her hand that she realized she had curled into a tight fist. She lifted her fire-bright eyes towards his face. He blinked in surprise, his normally kind face had been wearing a look of sympathy but upon meeting her gaze it had quickly changed to one of concern. Rey glanced back at the screen, watching the shift in Ben's demeanor, his expression darkening as the broadcast stretched on in spite of the technicians scurrying in the background.

 

_ ‘Well then. I am quite sure that you will all welcome this squadron with pride into your ranks.’ _

 

There was something in the tone of his concluding parting shot that sounded as if it were an order to do exactly the opposite. Rey didn't understand, because she simply couldn't - her life had been so entirely different than the upbringing of these men and women. She didn't understand the sibling connection... or the sibling rivalry that the soldiers had for their brother and sisters-in-arms. If there was one weak, incompetent squadron... It didn't looked bad for just that group of individuals. It was bad for all of them. Weakness had to be purged. General Hux had just pinned targets onto all of their backs. Including the Supreme Leader.

 

And for that reason, her anger burned brighter. She felt certain that she was Ben's only trustworthy ally on this whole damned ship. If his tongue thirsted for blood, she would be there to help him spill it. She shoved herself to her feet abruptly.

 

"Sit down, KR-0117!" CS-9874 hissed. Rey was no longer sure whose fury she felt the strongest. Her own, or CS-9874's. The rest of the squadron looked thoroughly embarrassed and indignant but their failings did not look so bad as Rey's. And from the perspective of their leader, who would bear the brunt of the hazing. After all, she was supposed to have been leading them, guiding them to be the best that they could be. She had just as much right to be angry.


	10. Chapter 10

Irrationally, Rey wanted to find Hux, to throw him against the wall... To crush him. To feel his skin split beneath her bare hands like over-ripened fruit, to feel the sinew of his neck tearing beneath her strangling grip. Startlingly, she realized that it was not just her emotions washing over her. She could feel Ben! She could feel him straining at the ends of his restraint. His anger stoked her own. For a moment, she almost thought she could see him. Or perhaps she was simply imagining it, she looked down to see that CS-9874 had grabbed her arm, trying to pull her back down to the seat - aware that the entire mess hall was watching them, particularly after that jarring video... Rey was in no mood to play soldier.

 

She ripped her arm free of CS's grip with a snarl. She stalked away, heading for the door.

 

"STOP! THAT'S AN ORDER!" CS-9874's scream fell on unheeding ears. 

 

Later, she would question herself, berate herself for her behavior. She would realize how foolish she was being, how stupid she was to blatantly show insubordination in front of the others when clearly what they needed to do was band together in solidarity to correct the skewed view of them that had been concocted. But right now, all she felt was a feral ferocity that refused her the ability to process anything else. The intensity of her ire was not familiar to her and again she found herself wondering if it was in part due to the bond she shared with Ben. Could it be that he, too, was seething with rage? She didn't think it seemed unlikely in the slightest.

 

She was not paying attention to where she was going, stalking aimlessly down hallways. She had not heard CS-9874 rise from her seat as she'd left the mess hall, nor did she hear her hurried footsteps behind her. She did not sense the danger as CS-9874's hands collided with the back of her armor, sending her face first into the wall. She was momentarily dazed, the force with which her forehead collided with the hard metal was enough to make her see spots. There was not a moment for recovery, she was seized roughly by the the torso of her armor and spun around, CS-9874's face was red, livid with self-righteous anger. She was pushed back against the wall, bent backwards in an uncomfortable manner, her helmet still clipped to the back of her belt.

 

"How DARE YOU DISOBEY A DIRECT ORDER?!" She screamed, Rey flinched to the side just barely in time to avoid her fist, the armor plating on the fingers of her glove still caught the side of her ear, pain blossomed at the contact.

 

"Whatever indoctrination camp you came from should be BURNED TO THE GROUND! YOU'RE A DISGRACE!" She growled. CS-9874 had made a dangerous miscalculation. She assumed, naturally, because Rey had lied to them all, that she had some sort of respect for the hierarchy of command. That she'd be a good little soldier, take her tongue lashing and lay low, marinating in shame. Huge mistake. Under normal circumstances, she may have allowed herself to take some of the flak but she was being influenced by something she could not fully comprehend, nor could she seem to control it. There had been a hell-fire lit within her and the flames were raging far beyond her restraint.

 

Rey reached out, bracing her hands on CS's shoulders and with a feral scream of her own, she lifted her knee violently jamming it into the the gap of armor between the top of the leg plates and the groin armor. The sharp points of her knee cops digging into the soft flesh beneath it. Normal hand-to-hand combat would not apply, the hard material of their armor protected them from the usual blows but there were weaknesses. Having spent enough time taking the armor apart and repairing it, Rey had a relatively firm grasp on what those weaknesses were.

 

The act of retaliation had resulted in the last of CS-9874's reserves being broken, her own anger breaking the banks of the dam of military protocol. The pressure and tension between them had been growing for months. This incident seemed to be the last straw. In an instant, as if a switch had been thrown in each of them, they erupted into violence. Such a display that Rey would have been in equal parts awed and ashamed of herself if she could have seen it.

 

Rey couldn't for the life of her been able to say who drew first blood. All she knew was that it was not very long at all before her knuckles were raw and bleeding. She'd made the mistake in the mess hall of removing her gloves to eat, finding her dexterity to use the utensils was too greatly impaired. The only easily exposed parts of either of their bodies that would yield satisfying results had been their faces - thus the most logical targets. She tasted blood on her tongue and she didn't know whether it was her own or CS-9874's. Nor did she care. She couldn't feel her left cheek, and her lip smarted - probably split wide open... It may have accounted for the sensation of something dripping from her chin but she was hardly concerned, convinced that of the two of them, CS-9874 looked worse for wear. She was lost in the thrill of it, howling like a feral beast as she cornered CS-9874.

 

Could she have been able to retrace her steps, to explain how they'd found themselves in the officer's armory? Not even remotely. She had no recollection of them leaving the corridor of their initial confrontation. Most of the weapons lay on the ground, stained with their crimson fingerprints. A testament to the fact that both warriors were adept at disarming their opponent and subsequently also skilled at re-arming themselves in moments where the price of moving too slowly could easily be fatality. It was a dizzying display of their adaptive combatant skills when plans had dissipated into the realm of desperate improvisation. She held clenched in her two fists the officer's command staff. She swung, the blow blocked by CS-9874's raised forearms but the armor had taken more than a few hits. There was an audible cracking sound as the material flexed and finally gave out under the ferocity of Rey's strike.

 

Later, eyewitnesses would report that the women had been screaming. Blood thirsty heathens. Mostly incoherently, sounding like great desert stalking feline beasts locked in mortal combat over contention of hunting territory. It was Rey who'd been credited with screaming that she was going to kill her. There was no doubt who 'her' had been. CS-9874 had responded with the fact that she would kill her insubordinate inferior first. But it was evident that neither had been correct with their predictions.

 

Rey twirled the staff in her deft fingers, spinning it until the pointed end was aimed at CS-9874's face, prepared to shove it right between her ice cold blue eyes. Were it not for the blinding pain that split her leg. She screamed, the limb threatening to give out. She looked down to see that CS-9874 was not so unarmed as she had thought, she must have grabbed one of the officer's sabers from the ground, it's metal gleamed cruelly in the dim light - some of the bulbs had been shattered by Rey's arcing swings with the staff. She'd sliced through the flight suit right on the back of her knee. Not deep enough to sever anything vital but it hurt. A lot. Sensing her moment, CS-9874 ripped the blade free with a savage motion, not caring if the damage she dealt was permanent.

 

Rey staggered back, but not fast enough - the pain was a distraction she could ill afford. She stumbled, unsteady on her feet. An advantage that CS-9874 pressed, gripping the staff and ripping it from Rey's grasp. She gripped it in both hands, swinging it like a bat- it collided with the side of Rey's leg, the pain sent her to the ground and CS-9874 was upon her like a savage beast.

She was able to deflect most of the blows with her forearm but CS-9874 was solidly built, her weight on her chest where she sat straddling her was too much to shift with one arm caught between her own waist and CS-9874's thigh.

 

There would be an inquest later, why none of the security officers watching their progress had not dispatched anyone to put an end to this fight. Particularly when it became evident that neither one seemed prepared to stop at anything less than permanently disabling their adversary. Why it seemed after their surveillance equipment could no longer see them after they had fallen to the floor behind a rack of gear that there was finally an order given for intervention?

 

Rey grunted, trying to dislodge CS-9874's stability but to no avail. She managed to pitch her forward with a particularly violent jerk of her leg. It was successful if only that the result had been the weight CS had applied to staff she'd laid across her neck had been lightened - she pulled in a deep breath, unaware that there would be a thick, ugly bruise across her neck. It had been a stupid move, ultimately because when CS-9874 had been thrown momentarily forward, it had put the saber back within grasping distance. Sensing her impending victory, CS-9874 held the blade to Rey's throat - her eyes crazed, her face a nightmarish mask of cuts and bruises. Injuries of which Rey had been the author. Though her face was likely to be equally distorted with wounds of her own - something she would be grateful for later as it was responsible for her not being immediately recognisable - in spite of the pain.

 

She felt the blade bite into her neck, her own hot blood spilling down the side of her throat and in a moment of blindly white-hot rage and fear.... Desperation... She ripped her arm free of the side of her body, raising her hand and reached upwards. She didn't understand what was happening, lost in the ecstatic rush of power as she felt the Force wrap around CS-9874's throat. She curled her fingers, feeling the Force flexing in unison with her own hand. Her heart beat like a frantic war drum, eyes wide. She had not known such a thing was possible... That the Force.... Or that she herself was capable of such things.

 

CS-9874 made a panicked, strangled noise, hands rising to her own throat, the blade discarded. She was choking. The look of fear on CS-9874's face, the knowledge that her life was ending only seemed to stoke this... Alien thing in Rey's chest. Had she had this power all along? It didn't matter. It had saved her life and now she could take CS-9874's! She watched the pale blue eyes fall closed and Rey pushed her to the side. She picked up the saber, getting to her feet. She'd always been a visceral creature - to kill someone with the Force had not truly occurred to her. The security footage would show her with the blade poised to strike.

 

Rey hadn't felt the bite of the needle sliding into her neck. She was not aware that she'd been flanked by security personnel and that she had been sedated. Orders were given. One was taken the infirmary where later the crazed ramblings of being choked had been dismissed on the grounds of how much blunt force damage had been inflicted. The other was taken to the brig - unattended by medical personnel.

 

~

 

As soon as Ben was alone, he could feel it. It wasn't just his consistent distemper and his sickening humiliation left over from the presentation. It wasn't just the thrill and release of having thrown Hux against the wall. There was another presence there, a presence that was was even more visceral, more powerful than even him. It screamed through every inch of him with all the urgency of its sheer wrath slipping into his sheer terror. He was hiding away in his chamber like a coward and he knew: something was happening to her. Something was happening to Rey.

 

Before he understood where his feet were taking him, he skidded back out of the room into the corridor again. He started to race down empty hallways, careful to make sure no one would see his haste. Where would she be? Was she still in the dinner hall? Would anyone recognise her? Had she already been found? There were stings across his skin, across his lip and on his knuckles, something deep in the leg, but these injuries were far away, as if he could merely have imagined he felt them. A minute passed, filled with unbearable scarlet wrath. Then... he could almost feel a heat nearing to his throat. His entire being froze, his head drummed as if he were a child hearing the voice of Snoke from many years ago. Hearing the voice of death in the space of what was unknown and, paradoxically, known all too well.

 

“No! No...no...” he gasped to himself, not caring if he appeared to have lost his senses. “You have to fight it, Rey. Come on.” He begged. “You have to survive...”

 

He tried to ease the tension and panic that ached within his mind. The only way he would be able to reach for her and know what was happening was if he managed to focus, to calm himself. He closed his eyes. Felt her anger and his intermingling together.

 

Then his feelings were replaced with shadow.  Shadows that he knew all too well. Ben leant against a wall. His legs trembled.

 

Yet inside of him, he was certain: she was still breathing. Had she been found out? He comforted himself with the notion that if she had been, she was still alive and she would probably be brought straight to him, unless... unless Hux saw to her himself. Ben knew he simply had to do something about Hux.

 

He knew it couldn't go on like this forever. The General would have to die... sooner rather than later. Was it worth the risk of a full-scale mutiny? Ben had believed for years that it was not, but Hux’s death had now become something he truly wanted, and Ben had learned that he would do anything to get what he desired, even disregarding the consequences of the future. Why else was Rey on that ship at the current time? It wasn't like Ben was thinking of what distress would be caused to the First Order when he had killed Snoke. He had merely seen Rey hanging in the air like that, felt the extents of her pain as he did nothing but watch Snoke sadistically toy with her like a doll, and as soon as he had the opportunity, he had decided that he could not let Snoke live. That his deepest desire was no longer survival, but to be free, and to help her. Ben should have killed Hux that night...

 

Ben stood motionless in the corridor, trying his hardest to listen, to feel. He felt nothing. Either she wasn't open to him, or she was unconscious. She wasn't dead, he told himself. She was not dead.

 

Ben massaged the rings under his eyes. When was the last time he had been at peace enough for sleep to embrace him? No wonder he had become so impulsive when his head hadn't been cleared in so long. He had to have faith in Rey. She could fight, but even better, her mind was so much clearer than his was. He hoped and believed that she was not so fractured, so broken as he had been.

 

He mournfully sloped back the way he had come and found his large bed of black silks. It felt like it took hours for him to disrobe and wash himself. Time was standing still for the simplicity of this routine, like the eye inside of a hurricane. He would look for Rey again tomorrow, he promised himself as he ran his fingers over his face and his scar. He remembered when he knew it would never heal. It couldn't be coincidence that his very appearance was changed on the day that his mind would never submit fully to the dark or the light ever again.

 

As he let his head rest on the indulgently large pillow, he should have known that letting himself sleep would only present to him a worse reality than being awake: the illusion of dreams and the threat of nightmares.

 

~

 

He was standing somewhere as black as pitch, while embers churned in loose rivers on the fabric of the ground which he could hardly stand upright on. He looked around. He was sure that he had been here before. Perhaps it was hell itself. Something seemed to call to him. Soon Ben was trying to run towards it, even though he had no idea where he was going. He came to a stop in the centre of the darkness and looked around, unable to see where the horizon began and the ground ended. As he submerged himself in the emptiness of it, and the silence of it, he was startled by a sound. It was a sound that he had only learned of in legends and had rarely heard in his dreams. A hollow breathing. Somewhere behind him, he could feel the silhouette of a figure. He didn't dare to turn, but as if the force were being used against him, he still did.

 

Something inside of him quickened with terror as he was presented with the mask of his grandfather, towering over him. The mask was so unlike the object he once possessed and had prayed to. It was polished and new and his entire figure seemed to have been woven out of the immensity of space, out of night itself.

 

“You have failed me, Ben.” Vader’s voice told him. His voice was as deep and colossal as an ocean.

 

Ben tried to reply but he couldn't speak. He could only accept that it was true.

 

Suddenly the entire image rippled as if he were looking into a watery reflection, and the image of his grandfather slipped and twisted into the despair of Luke Skywalker and the stern conflict in his cobalt eyes.

 

“I've failed you, Ben.” Luke repeated from the day on Crait. “I'm sorry.”

 

Ben wanted to fight, to scream at him, to find his lightsaber and get rid of his image forever, yet couldn't bring himself to do anything except to stare. Luke was right: he would always be with him... Ben finally managed to move. He took a step forward and tried to touch the image of his Uncle. Was he just a projection? Or would he truly be there?

 

As soon as his fingertips met Luke’s face, he turned back to look into Luke’s eyes and was dismayed to see his father’s eyes instead. Ben fell backwards in shock. They were standing on the bridge again, and Ben had lost his footing. Soon he was falling, falling just as his father had fallen. The disorientating speed of the descent shook him from his sleep and Ben awoke, drenched in his own sweat and gasping for breath.

 

He should not have been surprised to have another nightmare. They were fairly usual for him. The only difference was that this time, Ben didn't even try to justify his actions to himself once he was conscious. He merely lay back on the mattress and tried to cope with letting his guilt consume him. He didn't fight it this time. What was the point? His grandfather, his uncle, his father, all of them, -they were right. He had failed them. Not only failed them, but had forever marred their legacies as a disgrace. He had even failed Vader for not committing to the dark.

 

Then there was his mother... the only other living Skywalker. She was even worse. He had not just failed his mother. He had broken her heart. Ben felt his eyes water as he pictured her face and remembered when he had come close to ending her life. She had reached out to him that day and shared with him the promise of a love he had forgotten. Her care for him as a child. When his temper had first emerged as a toddler, and he injured himself after kicking over a table. A glass that had been standing on the table shattered and he fell on his knee, a shard of it cut into the skin.

 

“Mother!” Ben had called, and she had raced over, taking him up into her arms.

 

When he explained to her what had happened, she scolded him for letting his temper control him.

 

“What do I do, now?” Ben had asked in response. It had seemed like Leia knew the magical solutions to problems that he had not yet even understood.

 

“We cleanse the wound.” She had explained. “And hope that it will heal.”

 

Ben blinked as he brought himself back to the present. He sighed, running his hands through his hair. His father had never been quite so caring, and while neither of his parents were too attentive to say the least, Ben still had the memories of his mother tucking him into his bed. Of the songs she would hum when she thought no one was listening. Of how brusque and sharp her words became when Han annoyed her. Her loving smile.

 

Tears filled his eyes as he imagined repeating the murder of Han all over again but with his mother in his place. Hux would not be bluffing. Ben dried his eyes before the tears could fall. If only it would be so simple a problem to fix as a cut on an angry child’s knee.

 

“Leia.” Ben whispered to himself as if he could actually believe she were listening. He touched the scar on his face. He thought of his father. He thought of Rey. “Mother.” Ben absently murmured. “What do I do now?”

 

We cleanse the wound.

 

That's what she had responded all those years ago. Ben thought over his rage. He touched his scar.

 

And hope that it will heal.


	11. Chapter 11

A weak gasp escaped her lips signaling the onslaught of pain waiting to assault her to the fact that, against some speculative whispers from the security staff as they'd peered in at her through the night, she was indeed alive. And now awake. She would have been furious and equally horrified to know that a small parade of security personnel had taken bets on whether first she would survive the night and secondly, what sort of punishment she might receive.

 

The truth of the matter was, there were a great deal of things coming apart at the seams in the First Order. They were soldiers, firstly, conditioned to be instruments of war and now that there was nothing and no one of note to oppose them... There had been no excitement. Particularly on such a profoundly predatory vessel such as The Ordinance. Nothing in the skies could rival them, as far as they knew and there were no deployment orders so it was little wonder that they would enjoy the bloodsport between two of the squadron members that General Hux had inexactly made enemies of the rest of the army. It was the soldier's own prerogative that had the security detail sending out clips of the footage to a select few soldiers and other officers - an unofficial betting system had put into place by word of mouth. And that was the problem... It was beginning to spread all over the cruiser.

 

The gasp had turned to a hiss. Rey tried to push herself upright but failed. Her head felt as though it'd been bolted to whatever surface she'd been laying on. Heavy and thick, her movements and her thoughts were sluggish. It was a struggle to open her eyes. Only one of them seemed to obey her. It was an effort that hardly was worth it, bright lights assaulted the one less swollen eye and she closed it again immediately. A soft groan escaped her lips, nose wrinkling in spite of the discomfort it created - blood was the only thing that she could taste. She could feel it dried into a crust all over her face. If her arm wasn't crushed under the weight of her body and unresponsive, she would have tried to scratch at her face to remove the gore smeared across it like some sort of macabre war paint.

 

She grunted, finally moving out of the position she'd been thrown into, rolling onto her back. She drew a shuddering breath, trying to piece together why she was in such an otherworldly amount of pain. And then it all came rushing back. A small sob fell from her lips as she scrambled to get herself upright. Against all odds, it appeared that they'd let her live through the night. Ben's doing? Her heart stuttered at the thought - if he had tried to defend her... And she was trapped here...

Was he safe? How long had she been in here? She tried to reach for him, to feel his energy through the Force... But her thoughts were too chaotic, try as she might, she could not seem to make herself focus, the tapestry of her thoughts was being unraveled with too many threads being pulled in far too many directions.

 

She forced her eye open again - blurry as it was, there was no mistaking her current surroundings for anything but a cell. The front of which was deceptively transparent. No doubt she would be rewarded with an excruciating shock of energy if she were to try to step across the invisible threshold of the cell. It did not seem like a viable excuse. With the Force seemingly content to ignore her attempts to discover Ben's fate, simply sitting and waiting did not seem like a viable option.

 

She lifted bruised and bloodied hands before her face, wincing. She'd gone... Too far. She was warring with repulsion and fear as her memories replayed the moments of a few more choice injuries. This was not like her... At least, she hadn't thought so. She'd never been a pacifist but it had felt... She scowled, trying to push down the fact that at the time she had not felt particularly displeased with how things were progressing. She remembered the savage way she'd screamed with almost maniacal glee that she was going to kill CS-9874. She would have to try to reconcile this later... For now, she had to swallow the crushing guilt that she was failing extraordinarily at trying to apply herself to the limited Jedi training she'd received. Perhaps she'd deserved to be ripped away from the texts and the broken saber. She was hardly worthy of them...

 

She moved slowly, trying to unclasp the armor from the flight suit, it felt far too heavy and aside from that - she was filthy. She'd have, she blanched at the term, killed for a shower. Sweat and blood... She must have looked a nightmare. Once the sullied white armor pieces were removed, she finally felt capable of standing. That was, until she tried to use her left leg to support her - she collapsed against what appeared to be a sink, taking several deep breaths. It was a futile attempt. A slew of expletives flooded from between clenched teeth. A few more moments, she was able to force it to bear her weight.

 

She'd never broken out of a cell before... How hard could it be? She began to pace methodically in a sectional grid - taking in any little detail that she could, in spite of the thunderous throbbing of her pulse, while slow and steady, still sounded excruciatingly loud in her damaged head. Surely she could find a way out. She could take her armor apart to get pieces small enough to unscrew panels, perhaps...

 

But first... She limped back over to the sink, opened her mouth and let the blood stained saliva pour into the basin. She turned it on, shoving her face rather ungracefully close, trying to get as much of the water into her mouth to wash away the bitter taste as she could…

 

~

 

As soon as he had managed to somewhat shake himself away from the heavy chains that his nightmares had thrown upon him, Ben’s immediate objective was to seek out Rey and to hope against hope that she would be relatively unharmed after the force had come hair-raisingly close to telling him different. He waste no time in throwing on his robes. It was early. The Ordinance was relatively quiet, much to Ben’s inherent advantage. In the open spaces of doorways and enormous halls, Ben’s footsteps echoed as if the inside of the very ship itself had paused to simply watch his every step. Perhaps it was still the effects of the nightmares, but Ben found the sound of the soles of his own shoes hitting the hardened floors profoundly unnerving. There was no place to hide for him, for the Supreme Leader... but what about Rey?

 

Any number of terrible things could have happened to her the night before, and Ben had done nothing because of his own distractions and his fears of being seen committing suspicious actions after Hux had made such a fool of them both to the whole Order. His thoughts seemed to expand with every passing moment from worrying scenarios to the very worst of cases. Where could he find her? Ben found one of the stormtrooper guards pacing the outside of the dining hall.

 

“You.” Ben addressed him curtly and as boldly as he could find it in him to do so. The guard saluted, reassuring Ben that seemingly nothing had truly changed. Everyone still feared him. Just as it had been for so long. “Were you present on this level of the dining hall last night? What's your identification code?” Ben interrogated. He had little patience as his fears for Rey were only growing.

 

“GL-2865, your excellency. And yes. I was.”

 

Ben resisted biting his lip. How to phrase this? How could he put it subtly? In a way that wouldn't sound too odd? Perhaps sounding slightly odd would be inevitable...

 

He thought about the far-off sting that he could feel on his lip from the last night. He tried to remember everything specifically that he had felt in those minutes. He was sure that it was true. That all of it had happened to her. It must of happened in the dining hall, Ben was sure of it.

 

“I don't suppose you saw any... disruptions, during the dinner, did you?” Ben began to pry.

 

The GL-2865 stared at him for a moment, but Ben could tell that he was on the right track, that the stare wasn't one of confusion in response to there having been no incident so much as it was a stare of bewilderment when faced with the idea that the Supreme Leader had somehow learned of this event.

 

“There was one thing, sir.” GL-2865 admitted sheepishly, “a spat between a stormtrooper and her commanding officer. Believe it was KR01-“

 

“-where is she now?” Ben interjected, though he was sure to be careful not to reveal the note of desperation in his voice.

 

Even with a mask on, GL-2865 somehow looked even more confused and bewildered than before.

 

“The Commanding Officer?” He assumed, wrongly.

 

“No.” Ben answered, unable to suppress a brief sigh of exasperation. “KR-0117. Take me to her, now.”

 

GL-2865 at least did not waste anymore time. He led Ben down a number of floors to where he was aware the cells would be. Of course. Rey had got into a fight with her commanding officer, and knowing her, she would not have held back while she still had breath left in her body. Still, GL-2865 had described it as a spat and nothing more. Ben could only hope that such a description was correct and that it was perhaps only his tiredness and the heat of his emotions the previous day that had given him his distress when he had lightly felt Rey’s injuries. Still, with every step, Ben’s temper grew once more. They had her as a prisoner down here just for refusing to bow to a squadron leader that had no legitimate rule over her, not technically. Ben had another sweeping feeling of guilt as he remembered what it had felt like to escort Rey in restraints to Snoke’s throne room, to resign her to a fate that both of them did not fully know, but could predict. Ben should have known better. The stormtroopers should have known better, if they had known her. A woman like Rey would not follow orders, nor would she be bound by anyone in the galaxy. Not even himself.

 

As they passed the other cells, Ben didn't dare turn his head for even a moment too look behind the translucent barriers. Almost everyone there was there either because of General Hux, or because of Ben himself. It did not help to ease the burden of his guilt that was particularly wearing to carry that morning. It felt like hours that they had been walking, but it was likely only five minutes. Then, in the corner of his eye, he could see her familiar form. She had removed the stormtrooper armour. As soon as Ben faced her, as soon as he was able to set his eyes on her, he pressed his lips together to stop himself from gasping in his immense outrage. This had been no spat. This had been a battle.

 

No wound could spoil her beauty, yet he had never seen her quite like this. She was ravaged. Everything he had felt, it was all true. He saw the fresh scab on her lip, the swelling of her cheek, the shadows of the bruises over one eye and her head, those same bruises which he could see had also littered her skilful hands. Then there was the blood. Blood on her fingers, a wide gash on her leg where Ben was sure he felt the wound be made. There was blood on her neck, too. Where she had almost been killed. Ben could not pull his eyes away from her and yet a part of him wished that he had never seen. It hurt too much. For every inch of her to be so mistreated... it would have driven him mad if it weren't for the clarity of her gaze. Like always, she was resolute and, of course, so daring. This incident had not changed the defiant spark in her eyes that he knew so well. As Ben watched her, she reminded him of a dazzling bird with angelic wings. Only, this bird had fallen from the skies by Ben’s own doing. She had had her wings broken, her feathers torn, ripped out from her flesh, her feet smeared with all the blood and the dirt of the world’s evil, and nevertheless, she remained a creature born to fly, born to soar over them all. Only she and Ben, the mere crow in comparison could know that truth.

 

Ben knew he wouldn't be able to keep his emotions under control for long. He turned to GL-2865 and the stormtroopers who watched her cell.

 

“Release her.” Ben demanded, and he could not care less if they had their suspicions about what his intentions could possibly be.

 

“B-but-“ one of them began to stammer, probably to remind him of the damn rules as if he were a child who hadn't learned them.

 

Ben had no patience.

 

“Release her!” Ben barked, and the translucent wall of the cell fizzed away as Ben didn't wait for them to comment. “Leave us.” He snapped at them.

 

He would have had half a mind to force-choke them, just for doing their job of watching her. Ben couldn't care, even though he was aware that they could see he was reaching the end of his tether. They hurriedly, and wisely, left. Once Ben was sure they were alone, he carefully stepped into her cell. He didn't want to alarm her in any way, especially since she had been through so much. He should have got to her far sooner...

 

He held out his hand to her, watching her balance herself precariously.

 

“Can you walk?” He asked her.

 

~ 

 

Rey straightened up, making a face as she licked at her teeth, watching the water circling the drain, waiting for it to run clear before she turned the faucet off. She'd never get used to the taste. Somewhere not buried too deep within her, she hoped she would never have to. She didn't think that she'd been born for this - she was not a warrior. She had her wounds to remind her of the fact that if she was, she'd be doing a great deal better this morning. Her hands, while adept at disassembling things, had been gifted in putting things back together, repurposing them. Her staff, for one.. Turning the broken AT-AT into a home... 

 

It didn't mean that if she was forced into a corner that she wouldn't defend herself. It was instinct, she was certain every living creature must have it, to some degree. She had not started the fight with CS-9874 and it wasn't until her blood was well and truly up that she had wanted anything but to end the fight. It wasn't until she'd been pressed to the brink of her own life that she'd wanted to take CS-9874's.

 

She cast a glance at her armor on the floor behind her. She could only hope that turning armor into a functioning tool was another thing she was good at. For a moment she wished she could have peeled off the black jumpsuit that she wore. It felt stifling here in the confines of the cell. CS-9874 had breached it, the temperature functionality had been destroyed, even when it was still somewhat synced to the armor pieces. She glanced around the cell, spotting the shining lens of a camera. Of course they would keep an eye on their prisoners. She found herself frowning - not simply for the lack of privacy but because it meant... She hobbled over to the armor pieces, collecting one and held it to her waist as she lowered herself gingerly to the floor, facing the corner, cradling the vambrace. She hoped it would look to any watchful eyes that she was simply looking sorry for herself.

 

She certainly had no problems feeling at least a little miserable for herself. Yet, what more could she expect? She had played into CS's stupid little game and for it she'd won a bounty of stupid prizes, ones that littered her flesh as a reminder of her efforts. For the life of her, she couldn't think of why she had let it go so far. She'd been swept up in the moment. This, she thought glumly, must be why the Jedi texts cautioned against passion.The ramifications... She almost shook her head but stopped herself, not wishing to feel the churning dizziness that plagued her if she moved too quickly. Instead, she focused on the piece of armor that had saved her ulna from being shattered several times the night before, instead of what she was certain would be her impending execution.

 

Deft fingers moved over the armor, searching, prodding for any weaknesses in the interior lining. The outer shell had been cracked, which made her task easier. Following one such crack that seemed to breach the interior core structure, she pried at it with her fingernail, sucking a pained breath between clenched teeth as the movement flexed the broken flesh on her knuckle, splitting it open once again. She ignored the tiny pool of blood that formed on its tender surface, pulling the lining away to expose a fine network of wires, reinforcement rods... She could work with this, she assured herself, her mind already trying to formulate schematics for her imagined invention. Once she had a functional tool, she would have to work quickly. While no one had come to check on her well-being, to her knowledge, she had little doubt that they wouldn't hesitate to investigate if she looked like she was about to escape.

 

That is, until she heard footsteps approaching. Rey pulled one of the small rods free with a particularly forceful motion, it sliced at her palm but it hardly mattered. She dropped the armor piece, slipping the small cylindrical metal shaft behind her back, holding it clenched in her fist as she made sure to keep the cameras blind to what she held. If they were coming to take her away, it meant they'd be opening the door... She'd be ready for them, she wasn't about to leave Ben alone. But, if it came to it... There was no way she wasn't going to take down as many of them with her as possible. Though, dying wasn't on her list of things she was prepared to do today, she thought. Her body did not feel quite so certain. She swallowed hard, her breathing became more uneven the closer the footsteps came.

 

She stood with her back to the wall, one palm braced against it, the other holding her improvised weapon. She lowered her body slightly, keeping her center of gravity low with her good leg serving to brace her so she could easily propel herself from the wall. She'd charge the closest guard, hopefully knocking them over, she'd have to get her timing right and the aim. Disabling the guards would be ideal but her weapon and their armor didn't leave much in the way for options. If she was going to have to use her weapon, it was likely that it would naturally find its way to vital points.

 

Before she could plan her escape further, a guard stepped into view . Subconsciously, she'd bared her teeth, eyes gleaming with anticipation - a non-verbal challenge, telling the guard that she was ready. Until Ben stepped into view right behind the guard. Her mouth loosened, hanging open for a moment before she straightened. Though she was a prisoner, was she still expected to obey the chain of command? Perhaps not but she still stood at attention, chin tilted upwards somewhat defiantly though neither one of them had offered her reason to. And in spite of the fact that Ben was not her enemy. A fact that they could not afford for anyone else to know.

 

It was hard not to let the relief show that Ben was in one piece, unharmed and that he was still quite free to roam on the other side of the energy barrier. It meant that Hux had not taken his humiliation scheme further so as to plunge The Ordinance into utter chaos. Though, any sort of expression was a little difficult to express - moving the muscles in her face was an effort rewarded with small stabs of pain so instead she stood blank-faced, if not a little embarrassed. She didn't really want to Ben to see her like this. The exact reason why, she couldn't put her finger on, unless it was to do with her pride, perhaps? It wasn't exactly what she would have called a flawless victory. She waited silently for the verdict.

 

_ 'Release her.' _

 

Ben ordered - two other stormtroopers stepped into view. So perhaps she hadn't been alone after all. Had they seen her preparing to escape? Or were they simply patrolman who she'd been lucky enough to avoid being observed while she was ripping apart her armor? Her eyes traveled between them nervously.

 

_ 'Release her!' _

 

He silenced the guard's protest. Her heart pounded in her chest - what was he thinking? She watched as the guard hastened to comply, no doubt aware of the tales of Kylo Ren's wrath.

 

_ 'Leave us!' _

 

She froze, though the barrier dissolved. It wasn't until Ben had moved into the cell that she let out her breath.

 

She wanted to scream her alarm - to ask him what he was doing? He was breaking some very standard rules. He couldn't risk this behavior, not... Not after last night's little fiasco! If she had broken out on her own, at least she could chart a path of... Of some kind of escape without implicating him or making his judgment appear questionable. It was a nice thought, at least - it wasn't likely that her escape attempt would have lasted long - even if she'd managed to get into the ducting, she was in no condition to move the speeds she would have needed to. By the time she'd have reached the hangar, they'd have had all the flight-ready crafts in lock down.

 

She couldn't think about it. Not right now - rational thoughts seemed to dissolve in his presence. The relief she felt seeing him was enough to trick her mind into settling itself down, a wave of exhaustion crashed over her in spite of having been passed out for the night. In addition to being bone-weary, she was filthy. And starving. Her dinner had gone uneaten. She didn't know if she wanted to laugh or cry.

 

_ 'Can you walk?' _

 

She hadn't realized she'd braced herself against the wall again, shoulder sagging against it's cool surface in the effort to keep herself from swaying on her feet. She nodded.

 

"Yes, I think... I think it's just a superficial wound, all things considered." Rey was certain that if it was a serious injury that she wouldn't have been able to stand at all. Yet he still offered her his hand. She wanted to take it, desperately.

 

"They've got eyes on." She muttered, lifting her gaze to the camera on the wall across from them only briefly.

 

"Otherwise I would." She assured him. She grimaced, taking a step towards him, slipping the slim metal rod into the side pocket of the spacesuit. She drew a deep breath, raising the back of her battered hand to her eye, wiping away a tear that escaped from her good eye. She caught her lower lip between her teeth, applying pressure in spite of the fact that it made her eye water even more and she'd only just rid herself of the metallic tang of blood in her mouth. Yet she could not stop feeling so overwhelmed. What had she gotten them into? No doubt his actions of releasing her would find its way into the rumor mill...

 

"I'm so sorry, Ben... I-I don't know what... She started yelling at me and I... I just snapped!" She'd forgotten that CS-9874 had initiated the fight with more than harsh words, she'd dazed her before they had even escalated to a full on battle royale. Still, it was her actions that had placed them into jeopardy. If only she had just stayed put in the mess hall! Now she'd placed them into an impossibly precarious situation. Truthfully, he ought to leave her there. It was the only way for his image to not endure further scrutiny.

 


	12. Chapter 12

She had her arms pressed on the wall as she shifted uncomfortably. Ben longed to come to her aid, simply to give her his arm, but then she moved further from the walls surface, taking timid steps.

 

_ ‘Yes, I think... I think it's just a superficial wound, all things considered.’ _

 

Despite her reassurance, it did not look like a superficial wound at all. She stared longingly at his outstretched hand as if it were a perfect meal for someone starving. Ben looked over her thin form. When was the last time she ate? He assumed she hadn't eaten dinner. Ben was about to take another step forward, to give her his hand, but then her look lifted to the camera on the wall across from them worriedly. Ben was such a fool: forgetting himself again in this way. His hand came back to rest at his side. Could he find the footage and destroy it without any questions? He hoped so. He was the Supreme Leader after all, it all should have been so much simpler.

 

_ "They've got eyes on." _ Rey reminded him, and Ben struggled to stifle his frustration. _ "Otherwise I would." _ She promised. Ben knew she had meant the offer of his arm.

 

She took a step towards him, her face contorted, no doubt from the effects of searing pains. It took all of Ben’s resistance not to come to her side. Then, something deep inside of him ached with an immense sorrow when he saw her glittering eyes tear, the soft bite of her cracked lip. He wanted so much to hold her in some way, that it became a genuine effort to stay put and to dismiss his ever-growing empathy.

 

_ "I'm so sorry, Ben...” _ she apologised through her tears.  _ “I-I don't know what... She started yelling at me and I... I just snapped!" _

 

CS-9874... had yelled at her. Ben felt the most peculiar swelling of pride for Rey. She would never be a slave. She would never be someone's soldier. Ben stole another glance at the camera. He would find this footage, he promised himself. He would destroy it. Destroy the evidence. For now though... he had to act like he was supposed to in front of it. He stood up straight and looked down on her, despite him knowing that his expression would try to tell her a different story, as would his words.

 

“Rey.” He addressed softly, trying to convey too much simply through the means of his voice, “never apologise. Don't you ever apologise for fighting for yourself.” Ben grit his teeth in anticipation of how much this would hurt both her and himself, too. “Don't you ever apologise to me.” Ben told her. “I'm proud of you. You didn't back down.” He took a deep breath. “Rey, to me, you...” he tried not to divulge everything. He was still hiding away from her, even after the moment in his chamber, but he knew he couldn't live without finishing the thought. “To me... you never could do wrong.” He blurted out all at once.

 

He could tell she was looking at him with shock and disbelief again, even behind the injuries of her face. Ben couldn't afford to meet her eye, or he would have to change his plan.

 

“Which is why...” Ben continued hesitantly, “...why I will be the one who’s sorry yet again. Because I have to make this look... authentic.”

 

Before she could question him or he could even further question his own decision, he blinded himself to her looks of puzzlement as he marched forward and roughly took her arm, pulling her forward. Rey winced and he could feel it, but once more he didn't dare to look at her as he feared what his heart would have in store for him. He made himself deaf to her struggling breaths and the slipping of her feet. He had to travel back to the days when they had first met, when he was far less attached, but even back then, Ben knew he hadn't wanted to hurt her. This was more than difficult. His soul was crying out for him to stop as he harshly dragged her, and she stumbled out of the cell.

 

“Forgive me.” He begged her in a murmur as he pushed her forward.

 

She almost fell over completely, but Ben caught her, trying to make it look as though he merely wanted her to keep moving, he took her arm once more and subtly tried to allow her to lean on him as he marched her away, down the merciless corridor, through the security and into the lift.

 

As soon as they were there and Ben was sure they weren't being watched, he took a step away from her, despite his entire being longing to hold her close. Perhaps he had offended her by escorting her so roughly like that.

 

At least he had got her out, at least they were unseen for the moment. But where to next? He needed to make sure her injuries were attended to, but he was sceptical about bringing her into the infirmary, where he would be seen with her, where her commanding officer was likely being attended to. Ben could have hit himself over the head for being such an idiot. He had no plan whatsoever. He merely wanted her comfortable, and safe.

 

The warmth of her body close to him in the elevator reminded him once more of when they had travelled to the throne room. He hadn't wanted to leave. He had to drag his feet from that moment, from the comfort of her gentle look to the fear of what would come next. It was so peculiar that in the simplest of ways, nothing had changed, despite everything having changed so much.

 

“It'll be okay.” He promised her, even though he had no idea what he was doing. “I'll make sure you're alright...”

 

~

 

He was in no way alone when it came to being frustrated by the presence of surveillance. She had wanted to go to him, to throw her arms around him. To reassure herself that she hadn't imagined him and simply because she'd been so overwhelmingly relieved to see him. Like she had thrown her arms around Finn on the salt covered mountain top on Crait. At least, that was what she told herself, unable to identify the underlying feeling that had been woven in so tightly with the impulse. It had a duplicitous effect, giving her a pleasant warming feeling in her chest and yet made it harder to breathe at the same time.

 

It was easier to drown the urge when regret came biting right on its heels. There was no possible scenario in her mind where all of this hadn't been caused directly because of her own actions. It was dangerous... And even though she currently did not feel quite so tightly aligned with the rebels and their objectives - she did feel a pang of guilt that in a way, she'd put all of the rebels in danger, too. They were counting on her and she'd abandoned the orders she'd been given. And everything she'd been given to try to help her succeed had been left behind, possibly to the extent of never being able to recover them.

 

But, perhaps this was the way it was supposed to be... She tried to reconnect with how she'd felt the night that Luke had destroyed the hut around her, the night she'd touched hands with Ben... How determined she was to go to him. She'd thought she wanted to go to him to bring him back and Luke had warned her it would not go the way that she thought it would... And perhaps he was right, after all. She had needed to go to him, if she hadn't - Snoke no doubt would still be hunting them all down mercilessly. She hadn't thought she would have to join Ben and now, it felt, as though she needed to stay. In spite of the risk it posed to them both but she could not deny her theory that they were stronger together.

 

It was a realization that had helped spur her on to apologize. If she was to stay, her little display had made it all that much more risky. It was a colossal misstep. Ben straightened his shoulders, already taller than she was, he seemed to entirely dwarf her now. She blinked at him, taken aback by how his presence now felt like it filled the room. If she hadn't believed his words in his personal chambers, she would have been panicking. She mouthed his name, a silent question - what was he doing? Her gaze flicked from side to side nervously, instinctively it felt like she ought to have been stepping back but she remained where she was. Partly because it was too painful to do otherwise.

 

_ ‘Rey. Never apologize. Don't you ever apologize for fighting for yourself.’ _

 

Her brow relaxed just a touch, she hadn't realized they'd risen in the first place. She sniffed, dashing the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. Everything... Just. Hurt. The salt from her tears stung the raw places in her flesh which made everything feel a thousand times worse. She wanted to feel relief from his words, to take comfort from them but he was not finished.

 

_ ‘Don't you ever apologize to me. I'm proud of you. You didn't back down.’ _

 

She was bewildered. But she needed to... There was still so much that she'd done that she had to ask him for forgiveness for - the last night's escapades being the least of them. She shook her head slightly, in spite of his assurance that he was proud of her.

 

_ ‘Rey, to me, you... To me.. you never could do wrong.’ _

 

She was about to protest - his declarations held a weight that she didn't think she could properly carry. Not at this exact moment. "No, I..." He continued to speak as if he hadn't heard her. She tried to catch his gaze but he was looking anywhere but at her.

 

_ ‘Which is why... why I will be the one who's sorry yet again. Because I have to make this look... authentic.’ _

 

Her eyebrows drew together in confusion - his words were awfully ominous but there was no time to formulate a query - he had stalked closer, reaching out and seized her arm, pulling her away from the safety of being arm's length from the walls. She yelped in surprise, teeth clamping together as she winced. He was moving too fast and she hadn't the faintest notion as to where he was about to take her.

 

"Ben, w-wait!" She gasped, his gait was much longer than hers on the best of days and with her leg smarting at every step... It was too much for the wound, she felt it splitting open again. She didn't want to cry. She tried her best not to, managing to keep it contained within herself but for the occasional whimper. She'd been able to gather that he was putting on a show for any stray eyes that would fall on them but she was not made of stone. Try as she may, she could not remain stoic. They were nearly to the end of the corridor when she'd tripped, the back of the injured leg on her spacesuit was damp, the back of her boot was slick with fresh blood and had been the cause for her misstep. She made a strangled noise, swearing colorfully with a shaking voice as he caught her. A glance over her shoulder confirmed her fear - she was leaving behind a crimson trail. If his goal was to hide, her wound was making it impossible.

 

_ ‘Forgive me.’ _

 

His tone was quiet, pleading. She nodded, fighting the wave of nausea that rushed over her. She had no choice but to clutch at his arm, trying not to sag against him in relief as he continued to drag her down the hallway. Without his steady arm, she had little doubt that she would have collapsed. She felt like it would never end but they'd reached the lift and he pushed her through the doors. Once they had slid closed behind them, she fell against the wall with very little grace. Her fingers clenched tightly around the railing, chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. He stepped away from her and she made a small sound of protest.

 

_ ‘It'll be okay. I'll make sure you're okay.’ _

 

She wanted to believe him, she truly did. She had faith in him, after all, he'd shown time and time again that whatever he put his mind to, he would accomplish. It was a comfort but it was not enough to conquer her anxiety fed by exhaustion and pain. He should have left her there... Releasing her and removing her from the cell would likely further drive the division between the troops and him in the position of their Supreme Leader. She was no politician, she didn't understand the game that was being played. All she knew was that it was dangerous and if both of them survived today, she'd make it her priority to do everything in her capability to make sure his position was secure... What that might be, she wasn't sure yet... She could... Think about it later...

 

The temptation to collapse onto the floor was great. And were it not for the inevitability of having to get back up and the fear that Ben would have to tear her off the ground, she may have done it. Instead, she leaned heavily against the wall, placing her face against the brushed metal finish, a soft sigh escaped her lips, closing her eyes as she reveled in the cool temperature against her swollen eye and cheek. The relief was short lived, afraid that if she became even the slightest bit comfortable, she'd fall into the abyss that called to her. She winced, forcing herself to stand up in a way that was as close to normal as she could manage.

 

"What a mess..." She muttered, trying to run a hand through her hair but it was too crusted with blood to get her fingers through it. She dropped her hand, shaking her head. She risked a glance at Ben, turning towards him slightly, hand reaching for his.

 

"I'm glad --" That was as far as she got, her mind was claimed by the hungering void, unable to deny it no longer and her body began to collapse as unconsciousness claimed her.

 

~ 

 

_ “What a mess...” _

 

Her fingers slid into her hair. The strands were hard with the blood that had dried there. Ben noticed she was leaning heavily against the wall, barely able to support her own weight. He feared she would still reject him if he touched her again, yet he was increasingly tempted to as her eyes began to mist over and her voice grew quiet, as if she were absorbed by some subject that Ben couldn't think of, or a sight that he couldn't see. He only then noticed the trickle of blood that fled from the re-opened wound on her leg. Ben had been too hard with her. His guilt grew stronger and he was about to look away until her outstretched hand caught his eye. She needed him...

 

_ “I’m glad--“ _

 

Ben saw her eyes flicker, she was blinking abnormally fast as if her eyelids had become butterfly wings. Her breaths grew short. Ben inched closer.

 

“Rey?”

 

She couldn't hear him. Her entire body toppled.

 

“Rey!” Ben caught her in his arms, she was just inches away from hitting the floor. He lowered himself to the ground as he hastened to even her weight over his knees. “No...” Ben murmured to himself, his arm coming around her waist while his other hand reached to support the uneasy tilting of her head. “No... Rey, please...” he shook her lightly, dreading the moment that the doors would open in case he was seen.

 

She didn't respond. Her eyes were sealed shut, her arms flopped lifelessly at her sides, her legs had sprawled out in front of her. Still, Ben could see the shuddering rise and fall of her chest. She was caught merely in a strained slumber, he thought, trying hard to find any trace of comfort in this uneasy scenario. He supposed that another point of comfort in all of this was that Rey was light. He had carried her before with ease. He couldn't help but be reminded of that time.

 

He would have been lying to himself if he had believed he had not chosen to carry her at the time for an element of his own pleasure as well as the obvious convenience of her being unable to struggle or fight either against him or against the stormtroopers while still conscious, while still full of fear and rage. Ben couldn't deny that he had enjoyed the mere sensation of holding her, being able to observe her in contrasting quiet to when they had fought. The thought sickened him in the present moment. He had become so much better to her since then. For her to be forced into unconsciousness, he realised, was truly despicable of him.

 

Ben pulled himself back into the present. He could think of one place where she would not be seen in surveillance and that was back in his chamber again. He couldn't trust anyone, not the officers, not even the stormtroopers after what had happened to Rey. He was suddenly aware of how, like her, he was caught in the cage of his own kingdom. Stuck in a dense pack of wolves...

 

The elevator stopped and Ben had decided in a split-second that if anyone were to see him, he would make up a story that he had killed her for being a traitor and was planning to dispose of the body. If he were to play the part that he was supposed to, that's what he should have done since he had first discovered her. Ben knew, and had known for a long time, that this had never been inside of him, no matter how hard he had tried to let the dark side consume him, something there would never cease to fight it. Ben believed that same thing was what gave him his guilt. The thing that made him feel. It grew since he had met Rey. It had almost dominated the dark, and how Snoke had punished him for that... Ben didn't like to recall.

 

He held her tightly, pressing her form close to his chest, he lowered one arm to carry her legs and the other to her shoulders as he stood tall.

 

To his immense relief, no one was standing outside the doors as they opened.

 

The rest of the journey was a blur of sheer panic. He raced down the familiar twists of the corridor like following the tail of a snake. Even in his haste, he was always so aware of every bump and turn, of every shift that Rey might feel as she lay there, as still and shining as marble, even with the disfigurements of her cuts and bruises. One of Ben’s feet slid on something wet. He realised it was some drops of her blood. His gloved hands had blood on them too. He swallowed down the threat of his despair.

 

“Come on, Rey.” He begged with tears in his eyes.

 

How could she be okay? How could he help her?

 

Ben heard footsteps. He was only a meter away from his door. He could barely breathe as he almost sprinted past the entrance to his chamber in his hurry. The footsteps were almost around the corner...

 

Ben opened the door and without a second to waste he stumbled into his chamber, careful still to keep Rey as stable as he could in his grasp. He landed her on his bed, pulled the covers over her figure without noticing until later that his blood-stained gloves would touch the sheets. Then he realised...

 

He had left the door open.

 

Ben rushed to close it, but the footsteps had stopped just outside to his right. He turned and was distraught to see that Hux was there. Ben reached to shut the door in his face, but then he stood in the doorway, preventing him from doing so. Ben had no choice. He wasn't sure if Hux would be able to see Rey’s face lying on his bed from his position. He shot out his hand to Hux’s chest and shoved him backward with all his strength, away from his room, shutting the heavy door behind him. Hux stared in outrage and surprise as he recovered himself and brushed himself down before he realised that Ben had stained his clothes with Rey’s blood. Hux’s eyes bulged with utter disgust. His jaw dropped.

 

“What has GOTTEN INTO YOU?!” Hux shrieked. “What happened?!”

 

“Nothing.” Ben snarled. “I've received an injury. Send me some bandages.”

 

Hux narrowed his eyes sceptically.

 

“DO IT!” Ben roared, his stress had built so rapidly into rage.

 

Hux twitched at the level of Ben’s ferocity. He backed away but didn't turn from Ben until he had passed around the next corner. Ben tried to gather his breaths. His heart was thudding in his ears. Only when the corridor had filled with complete silence for the next minute could Ben finally believe that he had not revealed himself. Perhaps it would be thought that the trail of blood was his own.

 

He slowly found his way back into his chamber and to the bedside. The top of Rey’s head could be seen on his pillow. Ben knelt beside her, pulling the duvet to below her chin. He took a precious moment just to watch her, just to listen to her breathe. The stars outside remained unchanged despite Ben’s fluxing emotions. Minutes passed, and then the bandages with a bowl of water were delivered, luckily without questions by a stormtrooper. Perhaps he could see that Ben was especially unhinged. That there was a fire burning his insides.

 

Ben came back to the bed.

 

He took his gloves off and began to pull away pieces of bandages, cleansing and binding each of Rey’s wounds, each graze, each rip in the smooth wonder of her youthful skin. He tried not to think of his nightmare and his mother. He took his time, treating every inch of her with the best care that he could manage. He wasn't a healer. He was a killer. He only knew how to destroy. He felt as though he was born only to hurt others, not to help them. Yet as he made his work from her toes to the crown of her head, he felt a tenderness that he had never known before. It was all so soft, so quiet. He began to be quite fixated on the activity, on the minutes that passed. Soon, she was lying back under the covers and he could almost believe that she was in peace. He sighed, finally allowing himself to relax.

 

He knew it was inevitable that it couldn't last too long. Hux would be asking questions. A lot of questions.

 

Then Ben remembered: the footage. He hadn't destroyed the footage. In an instant he was back on his feet. He spent one last lingering look at her features, remaining somehow delicate under the swellings and scarlet edges. Then, he forced himself to turn away. He came away from the room, shutting the door behind him.

 

“I'll be back.” He whispered, and he closed his eyes, as if that would help him to reach her, even in her unconsciousness.

 

He couldn't wait any longer. His legs carried him away, while both his heart and mind were left within the chamber.

 


	13. Chapter 13

There was sand between her toes, stuck to her legs where she sat, and clinging to her hands... Rey tilted her head up towards the sun, it shone down upon her, kissing her cheeks and filling her limbs with warmth. She closed her eyes for a long moment, drawing in a deep breath. The familiar sound of a great sea filled her ears. The ebb and flow of the eternal ocean reaching for the shore before inevitably being drawn away. She exhaled slowly, leaning back until her torso, too, was resting in the sand. It had been quite some time since she had returned here... To the island. Her refuge. A deep stillness settled over her as she stretched out her limbs.

 

Something was different, however. She had always felt desolate here. Coming here, or at least imagining it, had always seemed to give her strength but she had always been alone. It helped her to remain resolute and steadfast but it had always been steeped with a feeling of sorrow. A distant ache and the subtle taint of hopelessness. 

 

A shadow crossed over her, causing her to raise a hand to her forehead, shielding her eyes as she peeled one open. A figure loomed over her - hulking from her perspective laying on the sandy beach. Yet she did not feel afraid. She tilted her head to the side - the silhouette was illuminated by the sun behind him. She felt a small smile tug at the corners of her lips. She recognized him. She ought to have been startled, no one had ever come to the island with her. Or, perhaps he had always been here.

 

She reached up, extending her fingers to him. The figure leaned down, sliding his cool palm against hers. She laced her fingers with his and tugged gently, silently asking him to join her. After a moment, the figure shifted, crouching down until he, too, was seated in the sand beside her. Her brow furrowed, now that her eyes had adjusted to the light and he was no longer cloaked in shadows, she could see that his expression was concerned, that tears shone in his eyes, threatening to fall. She turned slightly towards him, worry plucking at her like a harpist tuning their instrument. She swallowed hard, testing her voice.

 

"What's wrong, Ben?" She leaned closer, fingertips reaching for his cheek. She could feel his distress, his panic... He was worried... She rested her hand against the smooth pane of his cheek, thumb soothing a line along the top of his cheekbone as her fingertips pushed into his hair. She drew closer, eyes searching his, yet he remained silent - watching her, catching her along in the undercurrent of his pain... And his anger.

 

"Ben...? Talk to me, please! What's wrong?" She asked again, pressing her forehead against his - he was cool to the touch. Cold, even. It unsettled her, eyes still meeting his own.

 

"I'll be back." He whispered, detangling himself from her and rising to his feet. She scrambled to her knees, reaching for him but he was already fading away, right before her eyes. Her hand lingered in the air as if she could somehow pull him back to her.

 

~

 

Rey's eyes opened, her dream faded away and she was startled to find herself in a place that was not immediately familiar to her. It took her a good several moments, rubbing at her eyes, to realize where she was... That she was on board The Ordinance and... In the Supreme Leader's own bed. She stared, wide eyed - her hands hand been bandaged. Not just her hands, her fingertips revealed after flying up to her neck, an experimental movement of her left leg had determined her injury there, too, had been attended to.

 

What had... what had happened? How long had she been asleep? She could only wonder - the last thing she remembered was standing in the elevator, about to tell Ben... Something.

 

"Ben?" Her own loud whisper broke the silence. She was quite certain that she was alone in his private chambers. Where had he gone? Caution stayed her urge to throw aside the impossibly soft blanket that covered her. She didn't know if they'd been seen together or if he'd given an explanation for her being freed - the last thing he needed was for her to go strolling through the corridors and undo any of his efforts. Unless he'd been taken! No, she reassured herself, taking another sinfully selfish moment to luxuriate in the comfort of his bed, tugging one of his pillows to her chest, curling in around it as she nestled her face against it. She inhaled deeply, eyes closing again - for only a moment, she tried to tell herself. The truth was, she was still exhausted and the pain, while lesser than before was still vying for her attention with determined persistence. 

 

And... Perhaps on a more sheepish note, she'd never been on a bed like this in all of her life. It felt like she was resting on a cloud...

 

A moment later... Or perhaps much longer, she jerked awake suddenly, her body convulsing with a jolt. Her eyes wide as she made herself sit up. She could hardly stay here. In bed... She swung her legs over the side of the bed, steadying herself for a moment before getting to her feet. The sudden elevation made her head spin but she resolved to stay standing. She padded across the floor, her bare feet making no noise. A quick search of the room was enough to reliably inform her that she was still quite alone. She went to the door, pressing her hand against it, chewing on her lip as she warred with herself.

 

Instinctively, she wanted to find him. Her protectiveness had alarmed her, she had no explanation for why it felt so natural after they had been at odds for so long. Her heart had beat harder at the thought of him in danger - the venom in Hux's glare coming to mind, his feral scream of outrage at the both of them when they'd collided in the corridor. The way he had humiliated them both! It seemed to speak to something primal within her, the fierceness in her determination to see Ben safe unsettled her. It was a feeling she needed to push down, lest she go and do something reckless as she'd proven she was more than capable of. She had to trust him. He was not weak. Likely, he did not even need her, she pondered glumly - he was masterful with his blade... The Force favoured him with a strong connection... In her condition, she'd probably just get in the way.

 

Sighing heavily, she dropped her hand away from the door and paced further into the room. Was he going to come back soon? Was she supposed to stay here? Her fingers fisted in her hair, still filthy... Perhaps... She moved over to the panels on the far wall. Tentatively, she slid them open, finding clothes. She moved to the next, finding what she had been searching for. Towels. She grabbed one, tucking it under her arm as she returned to his wardrobe. She stood, considering for quite a while before she pulled out of his shorter tunics. She closed the closet and moved away, all the while hoping her further suspicions would be correct. She slid open another door, revealing a bathroom.

 

She could not help but gawk. She'd never seen a bathtub so large... Nor a shower quite like this! The sink was equipped with a wide counter. She crossed over to it, setting down the tunic and towel as her curiosity took over. She crouched down til she was eye level with the counter - eyes roaming over the neat row of personal effects. Soaps, a razor... Inherently curious and apparently also nosy, she couldn't help herself, gently taking each bottle and cracking the lid open so she could smell what lay within it. Picking her favorite, she straightened and approached the shower.

 

She peeled off her ruined flight suit and stepped into the clear framed cubicle. Then turned on the water, yelping at the sudden change in the water temperature. Of course the Supreme Leader would have the most responsive temperature gauge in the galaxy! She'd become a glutton for such comforts during her time on Jira, letting the scalding water wash over her frame. It was easy to lose herself in the blankness of thought that came as a welcomed guest with nothing to fill her mind but for the sound of the water hitting the tiles and intense temperature to soothe her aching muscles. She stuck her head under the flow, relishing the way the water soaked into her hair. She poured the soap into her hand and set to work. It felt like an eternity til she'd scrubbed herself clean of all the blood, til she no longer felt sullied by sweat. Her skin glowed pink from the heat of the water and the intensity with which she scrubbed but the water had finally run clear. It was entirely too tempting to stay in the comfort of the shower but she knew that she couldn't. With a frown, she twisted the water off and stepped out onto the soft mat.

 

With the help of the Force, unsure if she was even allowed to use it for such things, she pulled the towel to her outstretched hand. Content that she wasn't going to drip water all over the floor resulting in her no doubt slipping and cracking her head open on the smooth black tiles, she wrapped her hair up into an impressive pile, the towel twisted around her soaked, tangled tresses. Her hands fell to his tunic, pulling it on over her head. It was miles too long, the hem skimming the flesh just above her knees. She pushed the sleeves up her arms but the hem of the sleeves still fell over her knuckles. There had been no point in borrowing a pair of pants, knowing she would have been struggling not to stumble in the legs which she knew would be far too long. Her reflection informed her that the tunic had been the safer bet - it hung on her narrow shoulders like a loose dress. She put her hands on her hips, pulling the waist in and letting it fall loosely again before repeating the motion.

 

She caught her own gaze in the reflection and she couldn't help but stare. She truly had been put through her paces. The swelling on her eye was starting to come down, if only marginally. Her exposed flesh was littered with minor cuts and bruises, the worst of her wounds still protected under the bandages. She lifted her fingertips up to her throat - remembering for a fleeting moment the sheer terror that had coursed through her veins, turning them to ice as she felt her life had been about to be stolen. But the changes she saw were not merely superficial. She'd grown stronger, her frame more lithe with the extra training. Her muscles had definition... The structure of her face had changed, too, from what she associated with how she supposed she looked like. She was no longer the scrawny scavenger girl she'd been when she'd first gotten tangled up in these threads of fate. Somewhere along the line, she'd grown into a woman.

 

She felt a wave of sorrow rush over her. Had she still been that naïve little girl on the inside she would have wept to think herself so changed that if her parents had ever returned they would never have been able to recognize her. But she'd grown beyond that weak child. She knew the truth and no longer hid from it though accepting the truth had hurt more than she could have anticipated. Ben had been right, however, brutal with his honesty but it was what she had needed to move on... To finally let them go...

 

The shower had helped to distract her but her mind had inevitably returned to Ben and thoughts of him emerged in the forefront of her mind. She could not still her feet as she made zig-zagging lines in the plush bath mat, dragging her feet as she walked - trying to decide what she ought to do... Should she arm herself and try to find him? Should she wait? She was wringing her hands, knuckles cracking as she pushed them into the palm of her other hand.

 

"C'mon, Ben..."She breathed, "Where are you?"

 

~ 

 

Ben was at the surveillance rooms without even remembering the journey. All he could think of was the serenity of her lying there, how peaceful and simple it had seemed. He ached to return, but nevertheless steered himself away. The more he thought of her, the more he was sure he would seem suspicious to the rest of the order. As if seeking out your own surveillance footage wasn't suspicious enough. Ben trailed past the rows and rows of cameras. There were stormtroopers there who had turned to statues since he had entered, though he was sure that before he had come in, they were casually enjoying a conversation. It would be hard to resist doing so, and Ben was sure that they could not have been sat there for too long, given how useless a post this seemed for the vast majority of time. Ben dismissed them quickly. He hoped that they had not seen him earlier on, though he supposed surely it wouldn't matter too much if they had. Who would they tell? Why would they tell?

 

Unless... unless Hux had put them there to spy on him.

 

Ben felt a sickness in his stomach. It was possible. It would be an easy advantage. A dark temptation crept into his mind: he could just kill the stormtroopers. If he did it quickly, threw them down the garbage chute… 

 

Yet that would only make Hux far more suspicious if he heard the news and Ben was sure that such a disappearance would definitely be reported. There were five of them there after all. Ben pushed it from his mind, unable to additionally deny the truth: he did not want to kill. He hadn't needed to directly in months, but now it was so obvious to him that he had been resisting killing for far too long considering who he was, who he was supposed to be.

 

Ben couldn't be concerned with it. He scanned over the controls. It shouldn't be too difficult. The light from the cameras was the only main source of light in the room. It made Ben feel like somebody could be standing right behind him in the darkness. He realised he was biting into his tongue as his entire being grew tense. Finally he could find how to rewind. He shifted his weight as he watched the camera that had recorded him going to the cells. He watched himself stop in front of Rey. He watched himself take her away. He selected what he could, and then, with the press of the a button, it was gone. Gone forever. Deleted.

 

Ben sighed in relief as he knew he had got the hang of how to do it. Next he watched himself in the elevator on another screen, kneeling with Rey’s body in his arms. Deleted. The moment when he reached the right floor and stumbled through corridors to his room. Deleted.

 

Ben took a step back, finally able to breathe. He realised he was sweating, that his fingers trembled. A vehicle unable to control itself.

 

He was about to leave the room when he saw a silhouette in the doorway. The same silhouette that had appeared in his doorway earlier. What was he doing there? How did he know Ben would be there...

 

...Unless Hux had appeared there to view the very footage that Ben had come there to do away with. He thanked the stars that he had done so before Hux had entered. Ben turned his back on him. He knew he couldn't allow Hux to see his face. Not like this.

 

“How exactly did you injure yourself?” Hux asked from behind him, every word was filled with a venom covered by a curiosity.

 

Ben’s shoulders lifted and fell with every heavy breath. His teeth were grinding so hard that he could feel the aching of his jaw.

 

“Why does it matter?” Ben retorted. “You think I would tell you so you can mock me for an accident?”

 

Ben could hear the clopping of Hux’s boots on the hard floor as the sound made its way to behind him. Ben could tell they were both facing the flickering cameras. Ben turned around to face him. It was worse for Hux to stand behind him like that than it was for Ben to show him his face. Suddenly Ben was aware of how he was stuck between the cameras and who was soon becoming his worst enemy as well as rival. He was between the evidence and the judge. His stomach churned, worse than before as he realised the shaking of his hands could almost be seen. Ben balled them into fists and lifted his chin. Hux took a step towards him, the General was standing as tall as he could manage, his eyes of steel intensely searched through Ben’s gaze.

 

“You can't hide forever, Ren.” Hux told him slyly.

 

Ben’s hand found his lightsaber...

 

“You seem in a poor position to threaten me, General.” Ben reminded him.

 

For a moment the two of them were stuck in the agony of this moment where neither could dare to move, or even to look away. Hux’s bitterness could be read as easily as a written word, and then, all too soon, Ben was shocked to find that the corners of his lips had turned upward again. He tried to suppress panic. What was he missing? What did Hux know?

 

Hux took some steps backward and towards the doorway once more.

 

“Yes.” Hux agreed to Ben’s small surprise. “So it would seem.” The red-haired General had put particular emphasis on the word: ‘seem’.

 

Damn it... what did Ben not know? He didn't take his eyes off Hux. Not for until he had fully vanished from the room. Ben considered if he should follow him. What was he about to do? Why had he looked so pleased with himself?

 

Ben left the room seconds later to see the stormtroopers who had been watching the footage out in the corridor. Hux was still there, talking with them, and as Ben appeared, the group hushed themselves. They turned to stare at Ben. There was that thrill, that hunger, in Hux’s look. Ben knew the truth. They had been spying on him. They knew. They knew the truth. How much had they told Hux?

 

Ben couldn't let it happen, not like this. He couldn't take the risk. He had to, he told himself. He drew his lightsaber, igniting the scarlet beam. His old rage had surfaced with the trigger of desperation.

 

The first one died quickly, almost mercifully because it was so fast. It only took Ben one well-angled swipe of his weapon. He hadn't even registered the movement. It had come so naturally.

 

He reached his arm to the second, with the force he felt alight, becoming a living flame. Holding life and death in his palm all over again as his hand tightened and stormtrooper stopped struggling. Ben threw him back to the ground. The feeling of resistance to the dark had never echoed so loudly in the back of his mind. He could feel the weight of their lives, unlike any other moment in battle, and yet, far too similar. To waste lives without thinking...

 

The third actually dared to fire a blaster at him. Ben’s instinct allowed him to dodge and with another cut of his lightsaber, the third man fell.

 

Then were was just the fourth and fifth. Ben lifted them both and like extinguishing the flames of two candles, he choked them as quickly as was possible and threw them back down to the floor.

 

Guilt tore away at the strength of his resolve. He had never felt guilty about something this small. A year ago, he would have killed them and felt nothing at all. He had changed...

 

All this time, Hux had been just standing there. Waiting. Watching. Ben had expected him to sprint off like a coward, yet he hadn't even tried to run. To say that it was unnerving was a large understatement. He stared at Hux breathlessly in question.

 

“Are you quite done?” The General asked him irritably, as if he had simply made a mess.

 

Ben didn't think twice. He pulled Hux towards him with the force before freezing him there.

 

“I should kill you right now.” Ben growled to himself aloud, as though this would help him to do it.

 

That was the first sign of true fear in the slight widening of the General’s eyes. It wasn't nearly enough to satisfy the boiling sensation of Ben’s blood every time his heart thudded.

 

“Would the Order support your decision?” Hux pointed out, quietly, almost casually.

 

Ben didn't respond. He tried to silence the screaming of his thoughts. Kill him, he kept telling himself. Just do it, just kill him...

 

Ben couldn't. Something wasn't right. Hux had some kind of plan. Ben felt as though he were being watched in that moment, as though he could be one one of the cameras in the surveillance room, or even somehow projected on that screen in the dining hall, as if the whole of the First Order could see him about to kill their hero after he had done away with their own kind; five stormtroopers.

 

Ben fiercely cursed himself in his mind as he let Hux go. He should have killed him, he told himself. Why couldn't he bring himself to do it?

 

Hux watched him blankly. Like a blank wall. It infuriated Ben further.

 

“I only have one question.” Hux stated.

 

It was likely supposed to sound like a calm statement but his uneven breaths revealed that he had felt at least a touch of fear at Ben’s rash actions. Yet Ben himself grew harder than stone as his own fears dominated his will. He was begging to know or understand what Hux had heard. How much he had heard. His fears would soon be answered by Hux’s question.

 

“The girl from the cell.” Hux began and Ben froze. “Where did you take her?”

 

Ben wasn't sure he could hold himself back after the mention of Rey. He was about to reach to Hux, about to force choke him, when a commanding officer raced into the space of the other end of the corridor. Ben stared. Both him and Hux stood still. Even the commanding officer had frozen, as if time had stopped.

 

There were the five stormtrooper bodies at their feet.

 

The commanding officer looked to them, and then back up to Hux and Ben. The three of them were caught in silence. Finally, Hux was the first to speak:

 

“Did you come here to find me?” He asked the commanding officer.

 

“Yes. Sir.” The officer stammered. “It's news. News of the resistance.”

 

Ben couldn't move an inch. His entire world felt like it was caving in all at once. A storm that he could no longer control. Hux turned to face him, a solemn look contrasted with his clear pleasure at knowing more about the location and actions of Ben’s mother and the rebels he had wanted to exterminate for so long.

 

“We will follow you shortly.” Hux told the commanding officer, who seemed anxious and grateful to be dismissed.

 

Ben knew Hux was staring at him...

 

“Luckily for you,” Hux told him, “it seems as though there are more important matters at hand than whatever secrets you're hiding.”

 

Ben swallowed. His lightsaber was still drawn. He couldn't think, couldn't act, couldn't take it all in. His only reassurance was that Hux could not possibly know what Rey looked like, why Ben had taken her or where she was. That he merely knew that Ben had taken her, and that this was a matter important enough for him to be driven to kill five people.


	14. Chapter 14

LK-2081 had been concerned when both CS-9874 and KR-0117 had failed to return to their quarters after dinner. The rest of which had hardly been enjoyed but  the rest of the squad had felt it best to simply finish eating and return to their designations lest they invited yet more judgment falling upon them. Once they were safely out of prying eyes, an argument had broken out - a heated debate with LK-2081 championing the fact that they needed to find their missing squadmates and JF-6371 confident in his squadron leader, that they needed to do nothing of the sort. His flippant attitude did little to calm LK-2081. He'd been working under CS-9874 for long enough to know her temper and her ambitions were not easily put aside - she had a history of stamping out those she deemed as a threat. 

 

While KR-0117 was not a threat to her position, she had... For some reason, caught the eye of the Supreme Leader and with all of them having just been shamed...

 

His concerns were well grounded and had he been privy to the conversation she shared with JF-6371 he would have been out in the corridors searching all night until he found his answers. CS-9874 was not above the notion of disposing of those she labeled as enemies.

 

His concerns were turning to fears. Breakfast time had come and neither one of them were in attendance. Protocols be damned... He needed answers. KR-0117 had been deployed to their barracks and he'd been drawn to her. Clearly she was not anything exceptional, perhaps the reason she'd been shoved out to a station so remote, but she had a kindness in her that the others had lacked. A shred of humanity left. It was easy for him to take pity on her, he had no problems in sharing his free time to help her with extra training. It was a kinship that the rest of the squadron had noted and watched with keen interest. Seldom anything exciting happened - blossoming affection was as good as any holo-cast and best of all, they didn't have to risk disciplinary action for sneaking away to watch it!

 

Their sentiments had changed, slightly, however on board The Ordinance. There were too many prying eyes, too much weight being placed on them and it made them all nervous. On edge. Yet even with extra caution, LK-2081 could not help himself. With no one to give them orders, they made to return to their quarters. Except LK-2081 couldn't accept it. He had a knack for being right when it came to gut instinct. The kind of feeling that would have made him better suited to serving a capital city as the head of their city guard where the instincts would have been nourished and encouraged rather than as a soldier where such things were continually being forced into regression. He excused himself and headed to the med-bay.

 

He was stopped at the counter, the med-droid demanding that he state his medical emergency, he'd cited a stomach ache. It was close enough to the truth, worry was turning his guts into knots. The droid proceeded to disappear into the room behind it, no doubt to locate medication. He took the opportunity to poke his head around the corner. Most of the beds were empty... But... His eyes widened. CS-9874 was laying in the far bed, bandages everywhere.

 

"CS-9874!" He called, crossing over to her.

 

"I didn't think anyone would come visit." She whispered hoarsely. He was shocked to see one of her front teeth had been knocked free. His eyes traveled over her form, mostly concealed with the blanket...

 

"What happened?" He couldn't help himself.

 

"KR-0117 happened, the insolent wretch!" Her anger was immediate, shifting slightly so she could sit up. It was hard to believe, KR-0117 had never shown any signs of this kind of brutality... His brow furrowed, paling slightly as a rather sinister thought occurred to him.

 

"Where is she?" She was not here... He tried not to jump to the conclusion that CS-9874 had been victorious... But he could not rule it out.

 

"I don't know and I don't care! I hope she's rotting in a cell!" CS-9874 hissed, clearly hurt that his concern didn't appear to be for in the slightest.

 

The med-droid had returned, beeping hysterically at LK-2081 for breaching the rules of operation, he was not to be in here! Before further incident could arise, he escorted himself out of the med-bay. His sense of worry had not abated. Where could she be? If not here... There was more than one medical station on a cruiser this large. Perhaps they had been kept separate for fear of that they would get out of their beds and resume fighting if they were placed too near to one another. Again, the thought did not marry up with what he thought he'd known of KR-0117. It filled him with a sad sinking feeling, consolable only by the fact that he'd seen CS-9874 was on the warpath when she'd quit the mess hall the night before. Anyone had a right to defend themselves when their life was being threatened…

 

~

 

Rey had consigned herself to sitting on his bed. It was elevated just enough her feet only just skimmed the floor as she kicked them out, back and forth, taking care not to re-open the wound on her leg but she could barely stifle the restlessness that settled over her. The room was quickly becoming stuffy, as though the longer she stay in it, the more likely she would be suffocated by a fine layer of dust, dragging her back down into slumber. It wasn't in her nature to remain idle for long.

 

She got up, stalking over to the door once again - ready to activate the controls but her hand hung in the air near it for a long moment. She couldn't go out in this... She dropped her arm, making her way back to the bathroom. Her filthy ruined flight suit lay in the crumpled heap she'd left it in. With a sigh, she pulled his tunic up over her head. She couldn't help but mourn the circumstance, about to undo the good the shower had done as she stuffed her feet through the legs of the jumpsuit, pulling it back up over her shoulders, fingers pulling the zipper back up into place. She took his tunic, folding it neatly as she walked back out into his main bedroom.

 

She probably should have hung it up. But she had not been raised to give everything a fixed place to return to. It was her custom to leave things lying about. In the AT-AT, everything she touched was in flux - often it looked somewhat cramped and chaotic, however it was seldom that she did not know where everything was. She left it on his bed, next to the pillow she'd... Drooled on, exhaustion wiping her out. Cringing, she flipped the pillow over, patting it almost muttering her apologies to Ben aloud.

 

That was when she'd felt it. Darkness unfurling somewhere on this ship. Like a great cloud passing over the light, swallowing it whole. She moved with purpose, then, searching for the boots that Ben must have tugged free, kicked under the edge of the bed. She pulled them on hastily, ignoring the aching way her body protested. She went to the bathroom one last time to retrieve the simple loop of cord, pulling her hair back into a tight, relatively neat bun before she hastened to the bedroom door. She activated the controls, shoulders squared and marched out into the hallway as though she belonged here. Her efforts were wasted, there was no one in the hallway to question her. Promising.

 

She made her way through the ship, using what she remembered of the schematics to guide her - there would be an armory here, somewhere... She walked in, doing her best not to let her nerves show. It would become apparent in just a moment if she had ruined any scheme that Ben might have had.

 

"KR-0117 reporting for reissue of armor, sir." She stated, hands fisting together behind her back, squeezing her fingers tight as if the pressure might help her remain neutral. The foreman gave her the once over, taking in her injuries and raised an eyebrow.

 

"So, you're the insubordinate one." He noted with a small nod.

 

"Excuse me?"

 

He chuckled, letting himself out from behind the caged off dispensing counter.

 

"You're practically a celebrity. The guys on the maintenance crew can't hardly get enough of you." He rounded the corner and she tensed nervously as he drew closer. Suddenly, his hands were on her shoulders, his face millimetres from her own. The mirth dissolved in an instant, his face morphing into a mask of rage. "I'M GOING TO BURY YOU!!!" He screamed. Fight or flight seized control - she howled right back at him, her hands hooking over his wrists and pulled down savagely, breaking his hold on her. Then, he paled, stepping back with his hands raised.

 

"Who-whoa! Hey, hey! I was just joking!" He moved back towards the safety of his desk, moving slowly and not daring to turn his back on her, not with her taking menacing steps closer to him.

 

"Explain yourself!" She demanded, eyes narrowed - the last thing she wanted to do was engage in more combat. She didn't think she had it in her to win. Not at the present moment.

 

"The holo-recording is everywhere... From your fight - y'know? I thought CS-9874 had it in the bag for sure but you've got some spitfire, soldier!" He had seemed to relax immediately as soon as there was a cage between them. Everyone knew about the fight? She didn't think this could get much worse.

 

"Just get me some armor." She growled, doing her best to seem imposing. The foreman nodded, disappearing into the room behind him. She caught a brief glimpse of racks within it - seemingly endless rows of identical white armor. He had continued muttering about the fight, recounting his apparent favorite parts.

 

"You cost me quite a few creds, KR-0117." He said, activating the controls that dissolved the energy barrier across the center of his desk and slid the armor through to her, along with a new spacesuit.

 

"Well," She scooped up her new gear, considering her words carefully "next time, you'll be wiser and bet on me." She left, stealing into the nearest biological function facilities, sealing herself into one of the cubicles and hastily got dressed - the feeling of uneasiness in her gut had not abated... Which likely meant that something was going horribly wrong.

 

She had only just gotten out of the bathroom, nearly colliding with an officer who looked incredibly aggrieved. She snapped out a salute and he paused, relief crossing over his features.

 

"You! Get to corridor S-18. There's a mess to clean up!" He barked before moving off at a much more leisurely pace, pleased with himself for delegating the orders that had been given to him.

 

S-18... She made her way there, joined by another trooper who glumly informed her that she had been assigned to help clean up the same mess. When they rounded the corner, Rey froze, staring at the corpses collapsed on the ground, eyes widening from behind the concealment of her visor. The other trooper did not seem nearly so concerned, activating the com on her wrist, she requested maintenance to bring a trolley. She crouched down, unceremoniously prodding at the bodies.

 

"Looks like these guys pissed off the Supreme Leader..." she stated, rolling one of the torsos free from the lower half of the body - she pointed out the laser burn on the armor and the way it had cauterized the wound. "It's that fancy weapon of his."

 

Rey felt ill, only nodding occasionally. What.... Was going on?

 

~ 

 

Ben knew all too well that Hux would not be leaving his side. While he was confronted by this unknown news that he deeply dreaded would concern his mother, his every other thought was on Rey. What if Hux sent stormtroopers to search his chambers? Ben supposed if he had only just heard the news of him taking Rey, he couldn't make an order to do so with Ben present. Ben wasn't leaving his side as much as Hux himself would not. Better that they both kept eyes on each other than Ben risking sneaking away to find her. He would probably be tracked, after all. It was like standing in deep water. Water that was slowly rising...

 

The two of them found the officers of the First Order in a deep and heated discussion. They nevertheless fell quiet with the entrance of Hux and Ben. There was something about the two of them together: they had learned to silence thousands with a single glare and neither of them were in the best of moods after Ben’s incident. The deaths of five people... Ben couldn't pull away from it. Why had it become so hard to forget or ignore?

 

“Sir.” Captain Opan, a man who Ben was aware was especially close to Hux, addressed him first. Then he turned to Ben. “Supreme Leader.”

 

His voice was emotionless enough for it not to be as bold as Hux’s distinct sarcasm or loathing, yet there was something hollow and disconcerting about his tone. Ben was certain that he was one of the worst. He would never remotely dare to put his personal trust in this man.

 

“What's the situation, Captain?” Hux asked, breaking the mercifully short, yet uncomfortable silence.

 

“A patrol fleet has been sabotaged outside the vork system,” he explained lowly. If Hux and Ben were already in a bad mood, he clearly didn’t want to stoke the flames. “The majority of the crew members have been found dead and the rest unaccounted for.”

 

Hux’s nostrils flared. Ben believed that he had been expecting some good news rather than bad. Nevertheless, information would only help to spur his efforts on.

 

“And the tie fighters gone?” Hux assumed.

 

Captain Opan’s eyes were cast on the floor.

 

“Yes sir.” He answered grimly.

 

“And we know it’s resistance?” Ben added, as he had noticed that the resistance hadn’t directly been mentioned as the culprits. Ben’s question prompted the officers to cast scowls at each other. This was clearly what they had been debating so heatedly as Hux and Ben had entered.

 

“Not for certain.” Another officer in the back of the rabble began, “It could have been pirates, an act of thievery or-“

 

Captain Opan scoffed in response.

 

“This was not an act of theft.” He argued fiercely as his brutish nature and lust for blood began to reveal itself in the reddening of his cheeks, the bold furrowing of his large brows and the squaring of his shoulders. “It was an act of war. They’re sending us a message, taking our forces like that, I’m certain of it-“

 

“-At ease, Captain,” Hux interjected, keen to establish himself as the master of this pack of vicious dogs. “The truth will be clear to us soon enough. Can we make any contact with the fleet?”

 

“They’ve tampered with the controls.” One of them, Ben identified as Lieutenant Dormitz, replied. “We have troops working to access a signal as we speak.”

 

Hux sighed, raising a gloved hand to his head. His clear exhaustion meant he lacked his usual fire. Ben himself had grown numb, simply unable to decide if he should be frightened, still enraged or just relieved that his mother had not yet been found. Hux had told him it was only a matter of time…

 

“Keep us informed.” Ben told them. He turned to Hux. “You invented tracking through lightspeed.” He mentioned coolly, finding his way back to playing the part that he had done for years, yet recently struggled with. “Use your mind.”

 

Hux’s lips pressed together and Ben could see that for the flicker of a couple of seconds, he had little idea of what to say in response. Ben had both complemented and threatened him in the matter of a few words. It hadn’t occurred to Ben that he had given a compliment until after he had said it and he was instantly filled with a creeping disgust. What a way to feed the General’s ego…

 

Then Hux blinked and then his familiar pride and sharp determination lit like a light in his face.

 

“Oh, I will.” Hux responded, savoring his words, his subtle warning to both the resistance and to Ben.

 

Ben’s temptation to leave grew harder and harder to ignore. He couldn’t stand leaving Rey unconscious in this hornet’s nest. What if she had woken up? What would she do? Where could she go? Ben was aware that he hadn’t left her any food. As soon as the officers had gone their separate ways, Ben found himself pacing on different floors, trying to throw Hux off the scent, trying to act like he was supposed to be in a certain place at a certain time. He resolved that after this circuit he would not be able to himself from going to his chamber.

 

~

 

"H-here! Last one! Help me with this!"

 

Rey grunted, she dropped her weight, bending with her knees like the other trooper had shown her and slipped her hands up under the slain soldier's armpits. VP-8913, as Rey had discovered was her designation had spent a large portion of their time together scolding her for improper load management, informing her of the many potential injuries she could suffer if she continued to haul these corpses with her back. If the situation hadn't been so grotesque and unsettling, Rey might have laughed at the absurdity. As it turned out, VP-8913 was a passionate creature. About all things medical. It was a shame that she'd never been allowed to pursue training in the field. Her jittery nature and the use of stimulants had left her hands unsteady and under pressure, she was unpredictable. Something that VP-8913 claimed she was improving upon but when she spoke of it, her voice was sad. Devoid of hope.

 

The trolley that the works crew brought them was overloaded by the time they had finished. This was going to be a long journey down to the coroner. Rey and VP-8913 hoisted the last of the bodies up onto the trolley, both panting from the exertion. Not every stormtrooper was built the same and this lot had been sturdy. Why they couldn't just take them straight to the incinerator, Rey didn't know - a coroner seemed redundant as VP-8913 had explained already in great detail the effects of Kylo Ren's saber had. As if she couldn't see they'd been hacked to pieces or... VP-8913 had a great deal of curiosity, bemoaning the fact that she couldn't attend the coroner on investigating the two corpses that had been left in tact. Rey couldn't help the creeping sensation on the back of her neck that rose in response to her own unspoken suspicions. He had used the Force on them... Like she'd used it on CS-9874.

 

Had he used it in self defense? Did these troopers truly deserve this fate? She hated to think he was capable of such an act. So soon after it seemed that they'd finally been able to connect... Just as she'd begun to have hope that her initial belief she could help him find the path back towards the Light... He had plunged himself brutally back into the Dark. She was failing, just as before. The difference this time was that she had not flown herself to him, he had taken her with him.

 

"Help me push! Geez!" VP-8913 snapped, drawing her thoughts away from a morbid path and back to the corridor and the physical proof that she was failing to help him at all. What could possibly have motivated him? She was frowning, hands gripping the handle bar and both women pushed their weight against the trolley to get it to start rolling. The sanitation crew was waiting behind them, ready to get to work.

 

For the second time that day - Rey had only needed to get to the lifts yet the journey to said location felt eternal and painful. Once the trolley was into the elevator, VP-9813 held her hand up to Rey.

 

"You can stay here, I got a guy in the morgue who can help me get these guys out of the elevator." She paused, gaze drifting back to the carnage, the tilt of her helmet seemed somewhat forlorn. "I guess it's a good thing that we don't have any families... Don't have to send messages or have any awkward conversations. No one to mourn." She sighed, heaving her shoulders in a shrug. She stepped further into the elevator and the doors slid shut before Rey could respond. What could she say? They were numbers. Cogs in a great machine. Who cared if a handful died? There were more and more being trained all the time, or at least that was what she thought she'd heard them saying. But didn't life of any kind hold value of some sort? Did Ben not see that or did he just not care? She had hated it before, thinking of the soldiers as anything remotely human. It been easier for her when they were must faceless mooks on the wrong side of a war. She reprimanded herself, determined to give Ben the benefit of the doubt. Surely he wouldn't murder people for no apparent reason. Something else had to be in motion... Right?

 

She crossed her arms over her stomach, it growled it's indignation for being neglected for so long. She was desperate to eat and yet could not come up with a plan on how she might procure herself something without drawing more attention to herself. She could always return to her quarters and wait for additional orders. Orders that she hoped would not involve more training. At least not for another day or so.

 

But what if the rest of her squad was as angry at her as CS-9874 had been? Would they turn on her for brutalizing their leader? Suddenly the thought of returning to her bunk seemed a poor choice. Back to Ben's room? It seemed risky, too. She'd only managed to sneak out of his chambers by the grace of sheer dumb luck.

 

Fate, it seemed held her answers - sharply reminding her that she needed to have more faith. She'd rounded the corner and not even twelve yards away, Ben was pacing. She felt in equal parts relieved that he was still all in one pieces, appearing unharmed and yet also she felt trepidation tinging the edges of the relief. Aware that there were likely cameras somewhere in the corridor, she halted before she'd entered the corridor proper and ducked back out of sight, her heart racing. What to do? What to do? She shifted her weight anxiously from one foot to the other. They needed to talk but where on this cruiser could they do so without watchful eyes and perked ears to follow them?

 


	15. Chapter 15

As Ben paced down corridors, he was given a rare chance to stop and think over what he would do next. The action of stopping any other activity apart from the simple act of walking had a strangely clarifying effect as he became aware that if he were desperate to find Rey, surely the Force would show him the way as it had done previously. If only he could stop the running tap of fate and time completely. If only he could banish all his persistent emotions of fear and regret. If only he were able to concentrate on her, and only her.

 

His feet had somehow drawn him back across to where he had left the bodies. They had been cleared. The corridor was empty. He came to a stop. Frozen there, as if the incident had never even happened. He closed his eyes.

 

Please, he begged in his mind. Let me find her.

 

Nothing. Ben kept moving. Suddenly he was striding away as fast as possible, filled with the desperation to flee from his guilt. From his permanent actions. Nothing could be undone... not his turn to the dark, not the killing of his father, the death of Luke, his slaughter of the village, his murder of those five stormtroopers...

 

Nothing could ever be undone.

 

Why did the mere act of the murder outside of the surveillance rooms haunt him so much when he had killed so many? It didn't make sense. Was it her? Was it Rey? If he couldn't forget her months ago, now she was here, he thought of her with every passing minute.

 

Ben finally found his chamber. Could he dare to enter? He considered throwing Hux off the track by passing it by, yet he couldn't wait any longer. If she had been taken already, whether she was conscious or unconscious, he simply had to know. He knew he was growing sloppy. Making mistakes. Showing weaknesses. It didn't matter anymore.

 

He practically fell through the door.

 

The bed was empty.

 

Ben was panic stricken. Surely he would feel it? Surely he would feel if she were in danger? He rushed to the duvet, his eyes darted over the room as his thoughts sped. Then he noticed the folded tunic by the pillow. The room was neat. No signs of a struggle, not that he was sure Rey would be in a condition to put up a fight. Yet the question of why his tunic lay there puzzled him. Perhaps... this was a sign. She had done this. Everything in the room had kept the atmosphere of peace that he had felt the last time he was there.

 

He saw the towel. Folded outside the bathroom door, but still wet.

 

She... she had used his bathroom?

 

Ben slid open the panel of the door. There were still the faintest traces of steam. One his soaps had been set aside from the rest.

 

She had woken up, taken a shower, put on his tunic, taken it off again and left... with her suit and boots.

 

Ben spent no more time there, but at least comforted himself with the knowledge that she had surely left of her own accord.

 

As he continued back down the way he had come, he couldn't remove the idea that she had possibly tried on his clothes in his mind.

 

He soon lost track of his own way around the ship that should have been his. He felt as though he were merely going around in circles. He came to a stop, raising his hands to massage his brows.

 

I know I don't deserve it, he told himself, but give me a chance. He had resigned himself to being unable to remove the image of her hazel eyes from his thoughts.

 

Please. Give me a chance help her.

 

Then, as he paced once more, like a crack of light from under a door, he could sense something. A feeling of warmth that had almost reached a stage of familiarity. It was the same warmth he had felt at her bedside. A peace he had never known before. How could something be so familiar and yet never felt before at the same time?

 

The light grew stronger. Soon it was beaming. If Ben were to listen only to his instincts, then he would have no doubt that she was close. Very close. Just around the corner... His heart began to lift with hope, yet there was still the dilemma even if his senses were true: how could he help her? How could he talk with her? He was certain every one of his movements was being watched. Ben knew the incident with the patrol fleet wouldn't distract Hux for long. The General had almost definitely gathered that Ben had fled as quickly as was possible for a reason.

 

Damn it! What would he do? Ben lifted his eyes to where he suspected the cameras would be. Sure enough, in the corner, he could see it. He wasn't sure if it would work, but it was worth a try. He lowered his gaze and angled himself away while still concentrating on what he had seen. The position of the camera. He felt the tension in his hand. He lifted his arm slowly, making a fist. There was a metallic twisting sound and when Ben looked back up towards the camera, he was filled with relief and a small sense of pride at him being able to turn it’s lense up to the ceiling.

 

He could only pray that it would be enough.

 

For a moment, he didn't dare to take a step, but she did. He was almost certain it was her, but just in case...

 

“KR0117?”

 

The way she paused. He could feel it somehow. She knew what he had done. He lowered his gaze to the floor.

 

~

 

She'd hesitated, withdrawing back around the corner, pressing her back against the wall. The instant she had, she'd been overwhelmed with guilt. Awash with revulsion, she pressed her helmet back against the wall, eyes scanning the corridors for cameras, trying to take a moment to regain her clarity - apart from the camera that kept her pinned at the corner, she hadn't spotted another. Perhaps it was a roving camera that panned from side to side on a set circuit. Maybe if she timed it right... Still, she hadn't moved. She told herself that the hesitation was born out of caution.

 

There was a hideous truth lying just under the surface. She'd doubted him, far too easily she'd allowed her fear to twist her perception. She'd swapped her stance just as easily as breathing to be where Luke had been when she'd stood over him that night, lightsaber ignited out of indignation as rain poured down upon them. She found herself just as guilty as he had been. How utterly hypocritical of her... How dare she presume to know Ben's heart or mind? How vain, to think that she knew his thoughts - to assume he had made decisions at all? 

 

Survival was a powerful motivator, though it never occurred to her that he could have been acting on her behalf. It was with a shock of pain in her chest that she reminded herself that she didn't really know him at all in spite of the connection that had been forged between them, the comfort they'd found sitting together in the hut, the fire crackling between them as they'd reached for one another. The path he'd walked, apart from his uncle's betrayal, was a mystery to her. Something that she promised herself that she would change, given the opportunity.

 

How inglorious of her, how filled with hubris she was to think she could lead him anywhere! He didn't need someone to tell him where to go - he'd had years of masters standing above him and even she could see that they had wrought nothing but pain for their apprentice. He didn't need someone to drag him back to the Light. This must have been what Luke had been trying to tell her. The Light was in everything, it was not something that belonged to the Jedi, they were not the sole heirs to the Light, nor could they decide who could have it and who did not. Ben already had the Light within him and he'd shown her that through his mercy, through the kindness of tending her wounds, through his desire to help her even if it meant putting himself in jeopardy. He could have just as easily left her in that cell. It certainly would have been easier for him, to pretend she did not exist and let the nature of military protocol remove her from his list of problems to contend with.

 

Just as he had the Light in him, it frightened her to acknowledge that she shared the darkness with him. Never had it seemed so pronounced as last night... She had been so ready to snuff out CS-9874's life... And for what? If she hadn't engaged her, if she'd chosen another path... But she hadn't. She'd given in and she felt ashamed for how wonderful it had felt at the same time. If Jedis had been the controllers of the Light, if the Order still stood, she' have no place in it. She did not think that even with a hundred years of meditation that she could deny the truth. No, she snorted at her own hubris. She could not be the one to lead Ben anywhere.

 

He'd already shown her what he needed. Trust. He needed her faith in the same way he had appeared to gift her with his own, a gift she was too weak to have seen until now. It made her feel dreadfully unworthy. Had he not shown trust, when she'd accused him of being a monster in a mask - how he'd removed his helmet for her, allowing her to see him truly, something he appeared to have deprived all others? How he'd allowed himself to trust her, removing his glove and reached for her... Had he not shown her his faith, slaying his master and allowing her to arm herself with the same weapon she'd maimed him with just seconds after, before Snoke’s body had even stopped sizzling? He'd had to believe that she would not simply turn on him the instant her fingers closed around the hilt. And given their past interactions, she could not doubt that it had been a terrifying moment to see if she would stand with him or against him. She wasn't to stride ahead of him - their strength was when they stood beside each other. Perhaps, he just needed a friend. An ally. A true ally who wouldn't always be second guessing him.

 

She heard the sound of metal rending, she glanced up to her left to see the camera seeming to bend back on itself. Her jaw dropped - why had she not thought of this? Brilliant! She felt her lips curving into a smile, stepping around the corner with confidence - now that watchful eyes would not be cast upon them.

 

He was standing still as if uncertainty kept his feet bolted to the floor.

 

_ ‘KR-0117?’ _

 

She nodded, eyes brimming with tears that he could not see, safely hidden behind her visor. She strode towards him, already he was lower his gaze to the floor. The closer she came to him, the more she felt his guilt, his misery... Her heart broke for him. Her feet slowed to a halt, standing directly before him. She drew a deep breath, trying to think that if their positions were reversed, what she would have wanted... What she could possibly need in this instance? She craned her head back to peer up at his face. He did not need admonished, or questioned. When the time was right, he would tell her, if he felt it was necessary. She lifted her arms, hesitating for the space between one heartbeat and the next.

 

It was reckless. But they were alone, at least for now, and no cameras were trained upon them. She'd come to the conclusion that what if their positions were reversed, she would not have needed pushed away with hundreds of accusatory words hurled at her like weapons... She wrapped her arms around him, squeezing tightly as she leaned her helmet against his broad chest. After so many years alone and relying on her own arms as comfort, it felt foreign and strange to perform the action on others, and yet it was something that seemed relatively common. Had General Leia not drawn her into a similar embrace after she, Finn, and Chewie had returned from the destroyed Starkiller Base?

 

"I was worried about you." She murmured softly, shifting slightly - uncertain for how long she was supposed to hold him for but selfishly, she did not want to let go, though logic and reason clamoured for her to do so. Reluctantly, she lowered her arms, lower lip catching between her teeth.

 

"Where can we be alone?" She queried - they needed to talk.

 

~

 

Affection had become peculiar to him. He had forgotten what it was like for someone to hold him. To put their arms around him as she did. Snoke, Hux, the dark masters before him, they all would have called this weakness. Yet there was nothing feeble in this moment. There was the opposite. In her embrace, Ben felt stronger, far stronger than before.

 

When was the last time that he had felt another’s arms around him? He could not recall. Perhaps he had deliberately buried the memory. He stiffened as she leant gently against him. Compassion. This was what he could understand as the language of compassion.

 

He had forgotten how to speak it. He stood there with his breath held in silence. If she knew the truth... if she knew that he had killed, why would she do this? Still, he knew they were both so tired of running and fighting. Perhaps in her eyes he had earned this after tending to her wounds. That was so minuscule an action to be weighed against his murders. Ben was as hard on the outside as a door, despite the inside of him churning like a wave. He gulped down any threats of tears that were close to melting like candle wax down his face from the lighted fire of his soul.

 

_ "I was worried about you." _

 

She held him still. Ben’s resolve shattered. His stiff posture fell away. He leant into her touch and hesitantly raised his hands to her back, pressing her close. In that moment, Ben knew he would be willing to stay there forevermore. Too soon, he felt her pull away, and there he stood, with his every defence lowered, feeling stripped bare in front of her, yet still comforted somehow.

 

_ "Where can we be alone?” _

 

Ben forced himself to focus. It was a good question. Nowhere was safe. Not even his chambers. The ship had them trapped, like two captured fish in a tank.

 

He wanted to tell her about the news possibly concerning the resistance, even though he knew a year ago he would have thought himself mad to desire to share that news to the woman who had played a significant part in bringing down the order. Yet, for that time being, they had to find another hiding place...

 

He looked around, hoping for some kind of sign- an escape, even. He had never been so tempted to run. Just to seek some place, any place away from all of this. What if the two of them could just run away? Would Ben do it? Could he bring himself to do so? If he had killed himself, it would at least have been a way to disappear. Is this what had run through Luke’s mind before he left for that island?

 

He thought he could hear footsteps approaching. His eyes settled on the door to a supply cupboard. How far was he willing to go? How much of a child was he? He didn't think any further on the subject. He opened the door to the cupboard. Rey stilled as if she were about to protest or, quite rightfully, question his decision. Yet as the steps grew closer, in the spur of the moment she joined him. Ben shut the door. The automatic lights flickered on within the space that wasn't much more than a meter and a half wide. It was packed with sanitation equipment on the shelves that lined the walls, mops and buckets were rowed along the floor space.

 

Rey tilted her head and Ben presumed she was rolling her eyes, or just staring in disbelief.

 

“At least we won't be seen in here.” Ben dryly pointed out. It was almost a joke. He hadn't joked in many years.

 

He lined some buckets up against the door as if it would practically make a difference. It only occurred to him then how close their bodies were forced to be. He took a step back and almost knocked over the shelving. His cheeks flushed, just a little. This had been more than a foolish idea. It was downright ridiculous, mischievous, or playful even.

 

There was a million things she wanted to say to him. Slowly, she revealed her face to him, though the two of them were constantly wary of the door. Ben was stunned by her features once more. She had a glow behind her skin which helped him to believe she had at least been able to rest.

 

“I shouldn't have left you,” Ben said his thoughts aloud. “I deleted the footage of us after you fell unconscious. Hux didn't manage to see it, he doesn't know your face, but he knows I'm hiding you.”

 

She looked as though she were about to reply, but first he had to tell her the matter of the resistance.

 

“A patrol fleet has also been sabotaged outside the vork system.” Ben divulged. “They think it was resistance.”

 

He could feel her surprise. Did she know anything about the resistance’s plans or location? Not that Ben was sure he would or could bring himself to do anything if he were aware of that information. He stared into her eyes, unable to do much else. The question hung in the air: what could they possibly do next?

 

~ 

 

He was stiff, unyielding under the weight of her embrace. For a moment, she wondered if it had been the wrong thing to do. Yet, she couldn't help but think of those days that felt like so long ago - when she'd encountered Finn on Jakku. How he kept reaching for her hand and she'd recoiled from his touch. While she wouldn't have figured his upbringing in the First Order to be anything remotely affectionate, she saw now that there was a comradery amongst the soldiers at least amongst their squadrons. In spite of his lies, he had been the first person in her life to teach her what friendship was, what it could be. Having been exposed to it, like the glowing warmth of a sun, she didn't think she could return to an existence without it.

 

Had Ben ever been allowed this connection to his peers? Did he have friends? Had he ever? His unmalleable response seemed to assure her that he had not. Still, she was determined not to give up. He had to know... Know what? She struggled to find the words. Too many words sprung to the tip of her tongue but they felt far too heavy to speak now, the hallway was too exposed for such confessions - if she could ever find the strength to speak them, it would have to be in circumstances where they could not be interrupted - fearing that if she had to stop, she mightn't be able to continue. Instead, she had settled for the confession that she'd been worried about him.

 

He had softened then, allowing himself to return the gesture. It was hard not to think how... Pleasant it was. Even with her armor forming a rigid barrier between them, she could feel the slight pressure of his hands on her back as he held her close. It took all of her resolve to break the embrace, to release him and ask where they might be able to get some privacy. It felt too exposed to remain here, no doubt a patrol would be sweeping through - that's if security wasn't being attentive, noting the change in the camera angle and already dispatched someone to fix it. How long before these small things were pieced together and they were found out anyway? It struck something deep within her - a defiance that itched painfully in her chest.

 

Rey watched with a small measure of disbelief as Ben pulled open the door to a supply cupboard - her brows rising in surprise. It didn't seem like the best of options, how would they kno- there wasn't time to overthink it, however. The footsteps she'd been dreading to hear fell upon her ears and after a single second more of hesitation, she rushed to join him. The door shut behind her, the lights flickered to life. She was grateful for the illumination, managing to barely avoid knocking every single mop and broom free of the tiny stand they rested against. She stopped trying to move, planting her back against the shelves that housed a number of cleaning agents, she peered up at Ben, brow perked. She couldn't bring herself to chastise his choice, however - it wasn't like she'd been able to come up with a plan.

 

_ ‘At least we won't be seen in here.’ _

 

She snorted, the sound half muffled by her helmet. It was with a measure of amusement and also bewilderment that she watched Ben stacking buckets against the door. Her instincts made her want to grab his hands and cease the activity - the only benefit that they could possibly serve was if they hurled the buckets at anyone who was unfortunate enough to open the door. She wondered for a moment, if it made her a coward - that her thoughts always seemed to move towards those of evasion routes, escape plans...

 

Thoughts that melted away as soon as he had ceased his self-appointed task of moving the buckets. He stood before her, so very close - close enough her thoughts had stilled, her eyes wide behind her visor. He took a step back then, as if realizing how little distance there was between them. She couldn't be sure in the dim light if he had blushed or whether it was just her imagination. Though she'd spent a great deal of her life crawling through confined access spaces, it hardly seemed to ease the way it always seemed to take her breath away. It was different, crawling through the skeletons of massive ships when they were planted on solid ground and there was sunlight ready, warm, and waiting if she kicked hard enough through the dilapidating hull. The helmet she wore hardly helped, reducing the already limited space. She reached up, trying not show how frantic she was to remove it. Embarrassment could not stop herself from pulling in a small relieved gasp between her lips as she set the helmet on the shelf beside her.

 

For a brief moment, they shared silence, staring at one another. Her eyes roved over his features, her heart skipping a beat and in doing so, spurred it to beat a little faster. She swallowed hard, trying to scrape her thoughts together to form some kind of coherence. But it was Ben who found his words first.

 

_ ‘I shouldn't have left you. I deleted the footage of us after you fell unconscious. Hux didn't manage to see it, he doesn't know your face, but he knows I'm hiding you.’ _

 

She wanted to assure him that it was alright, she understood that he couldn't have waited with her. What he'd done was too important, that she was grateful - another thought occurring to her but before she could voice any of her opinions, he'd swiftly moved beyond that point.

 

_ ‘A patrol fleet has been sabotaged outside the Vork system. They think it was resistance.’ _

 

Rey's brow furrowed, shaking her head slightly.

 

"That doesn't make sense. Our orders were to go to ground - Leia was adamant that the tactical approach to this continued effort was not to be head-on. Unless someone..." Her eyes narrowed slightly - Poe's face coming to mind "is acting out of the boundaries of those orders..." Like she was. She chewed her lip, considering for a long moment. She had the means to find out. Or she could have, again - if she could get back to Lil's bar... A part of her urged her to stay silent. She swiftly reminded herself that she and Ben were not acting in opposition... She had to trust him.

 

"Ben, I..." What she needed to do, she could hardly do if she was confined to shadows and supply cupboards. If he made her his agent, she wouldn't have to hide anymore! It would no longer be so suspicious that they would speak to one another. And it meant that if she were to abscond with a ship to return to the planet - she would not be questioned. Once there, she could gather up the Jedi texts, the pieces of the broken saber... And more importantly, the communicator. She could tell Leia to reach out to the others, tell them lay low...

 

"I have the means to warn Leia! Or, at least, I did. Back on Jira, I... Stayed in an establishment for a while before infiltrating the barracks. If I can get back there..." Her voice was excited, fragments of her plan spilling from her lips, eyes lighting with hope.

 

"Can you authorize that?" It seemed a silly question. He was the Supreme Leader, after all and as he'd once been quick to inform her - he could take whatever he wanted. Or do, in this case. It was risky - she was as she'd always been, a nobody. Nothing. So it didn't make immediate sense as to why Kylo Ren would appoint KR-0117 to act on his behalf... But perhaps her recent showdown with CS-9874 could work in their favor. Even if it meant she'd have to fight to prove her worth - she'd take on any challenger.

 

She hesitated then, her excitement fading as instantly as a candle being blown out. Realizing that if this plan were to work, they would have to be parted. She clamped her teeth shut, a frown pulling at the corners of her lips, unable to hide her distress, she stared down at her feet. Maybe.... Maybe she could think of another way!


	16. Chapter 16

_ ‘That doesn't make sense. Our orders were to go to ground - Leia was adamant that the tactical approach to this continued effort was not to be head-on. Unless someone...is acting out of the boundaries of those orders…’ _

 

She seemed lost in thought at the prospect. Ben found himself in a similar position as he wondered if what Captain Opan had seemed so certain of was false after all. It was concerning to him somehow, that Rey had as little idea as he did as to what the meaning was behind this sabotage. Still, it wasn't beyond the realms of possibility that the resistance had been responsible. On the contrary, Ben had no doubt that some would be so bold. Even he had to admit that the quick and often reckless individual acts of bravery from the rebels and the resistance in the present moment as well as within the depths of history had granted them unexpected victories. It was an advantage that the rigid hierarchy of the Empire and First Order would never allow for.

 

_ ‘Ben, I…’ _

 

His attention was brought back to her. Her eyes began to glimmer and dart from one side to the other as he could almost sense a thread of interlinked thoughts being pulled through her mind. She had a plan? That made one of them, at least...

 

_ ‘I have the means to warn Leia! Or, at least, I did. Back on Jira, I... Stayed in an establishment for a while before infiltrating the barracks. If I can get back there…’ _

 

There was so much light in her words. It was so powerful; her excitement and her hope. Ben was almost shocked that she was willing to share this with him. They really were working together. It wasn't a dream. Where did Ben stand? He hadn't thought of himself by the name Kylo Ren, not since Rey had entered the ship. Was her presence all it took? Ben knew better. He had crafted himself from threads of dark thoughts and ambitions, sewn together with Snoke’s ruthless needle. For the first time, he felt the slightest hue of envy. How could she be so determined, so resilient and full of the fire of life, light and righteousness consistently? Then he reminded himself that this was not true. She was just as human as he was, he had seen that. He felt it. Their shared loneliness. Their loss. Their longing...

 

_ ‘Can you authorize that?’ _

 

The question brought him back to where he was. What would he do? Could he find it in himself to let her go? Somehow he knew she wouldn't just leave again. Something had changed. If he let her go, he wouldn't be able to help if she were discovered. Not directly.

 

If he let her do this, he would be committing an act against his very own army and nation.

 

Yet... there was his mother. She was in danger. Rey would warn her. They could save his mother. What mattered to him more? The power? The hundreds of lands that would bow to his rule? Or the way he had felt as a child in the arms of his mother? Her warmth and care? Dare he even consider... her forgiveness?

 

Rey seemed so sure, so certain. The light in her could make even the abyss of the threat of death seem insignificant. It reminded him of her. It reminded him of his mother.

 

Rey was looking down at her feet. Ben knew she was certain, yet disheartened. Disheartened... by their parting? He could almost feel that. He knew it was true. She didn't want to leave him. Yet what other plan did they have?

 

Ben would take the biggest risk of all: he would risk love over power, and curse himself later for whatever horrendous consequences it would bring.

 

“Yes.” Ben finally answered. It had taken him far too long to find such a simple word. “Yes, I can.” He drew in a breath. “If you...” her hazel eyes had met his and he was sure he could feel her determination again, even if it mingled with both their doubts. He had to have faith in her. She could do this. She could do so much more than he knew or could ever have expected. “If you believe you can, then I will grant it for you.” He realised that she was doing this for his mother. For him. “For us.” Ben corrected himself.

 

A spark seemed to light between them. Ben had never truly referred to them before as if they were working together. Not like this. He began to question how he could propose this mission in such a way that would allow Rey to complete this task without question or too much interference. He hoped that part would become clearer to him shortly. He wished more than anything that he could go with her, but then what? Leave the core or the Order and the Ordinance in the command of Hux while he cast further suspicion on both Rey and himself?

 

He reached for her hands, taking them in his. This time, he couldn't feel a trace of hesitation between either of them.

 

“Just promise me...” He found it hard to finish with the distraction of his swelling nervousness for her. She hadn't recovered fully, not yet. “... be careful, Rey.” He rephrased. He realised he had mirrored her warning to him.

 

Ben listened for any sound outside of the supply closet. There was complete silence. He didn't want to leave that space with her, but he knew all too well how ridiculous this whole hiding place idea was. They couldn't remain there for long, and now they had the trace of a plan, the best thing he could simply do for the both of them would be to order her and some others to Jira.

 

“We need to go.” Ben pointed out. As much as it pained him, he drew away. “You’ll hear word shortly.” He vowed to her.

 

It was some short work to move the buckets once more. Ben listened one last time to the silence, just to make sure before carefully opening the door and coming out. The camera was still angled away, he was fortunate enough to notice. Rey followed him out of the cupboard. Ben cast a long, lingering look at her. He didn't want to turn away, but then she was already hurriedly putting her helmet back on, and it became just the tiniest bit easier to just imagine that she was one of many. That she was just another faceless soldier. Ben thought perhaps he heard her speak his name as he turned his back. He knew if he allowed himself to turn back around, to believe that it wasn't just his mind playing tricks, then he might become uncertain of his decision and try to think of some better way that wouldn't mean their parting.

 

~ 

 

It wasn't long before he was forced to confront General Hux again. He sometimes felt as though he were being tossed from one to the other over the past day or so. As soon as he was allowed a moment together with Rey in some form, he would find himself shortly thereafter having to pay for his lack of emotional restraint when faced with the most merciless and least compassionate of people he had ever known. Still, at least it would mean he would be given his chance to declare his plan for Rey to the second highest authority in the Order.

 

“I have a plan to investigate this possible resistance problem further.” Ben found himself explaining after the two of them exchanged their usual battle of scowls, sharp comments and half of an interrogation as to where Ben had been and why. “I want to send some specific soldiers to planet Jira to investigate some rumours.”

 

Hux raised an eyebrow.

 

“What kind of rumours?”

 

Ben was growing so tired of their conflict that he couldn't be bothered to try and stay as vague and elusive as possible.

 

“I am not in a mood to play with you.” Ben answered roughly, “Just do as I say and if you simply can't restrain yourself from asking incessant questions then ask them after the mission is completed and not before.”

 

Hux’s nostrils flared.

 

“This is to do with what you're hiding, isn't it?” He guessed.

 

“You're being ridiculous with your outlandish ideas.” Ben snapped.

 

“Outlandish enough to end five lives?” Hux brought up, and Ben felt sick again as his hands made the familiar fists that he had once believed would help him stay stronger.

 

Five lives. Five lives gone. Lives wasted. Lives stolen. Ben gulped down any insults he was close to flinging at the General. He wasn't about to engage in another pointless fight. Hux, in seeing him remain silent, took the opportunity to continue:

 

“If you're not hiding anything and this mission is in the Order’s interests rather than your own, then you shouldn't mind my involvement.”

 

Ben grit his teeth. He tried not to reveal the shaking of his hands, though he didn't know if this reaction had come from fear or anger. He would never put Rey in the hands of Hux...

 

“You don't get to decide who goes on this mission and who stays.” Ben answered gruffly. “I need you here to continue your tracking work.”

 

“That sounds awfully like an excuse, Ren.” Hux highlighted slyly. Then a smug idea seemed to creep into his gaunt expression. “I'll tell you what,” Hux exclaimed a little too cheerfully for Ben’s liking, “I'll make you a deal: if you let me lead this mission, then I will take it as proof that you have nothing to hide and I will give up on my small investigations into your business. That means no more spying on you, no more questioning your orders, nothing of that kind to imply that I have any sort of belief that you are keeping anything from me or the rest of this vessel. Do we have an accord?”

 

He wasn't foolish enough to hold out his hand for Ben to shake. They were both far too informal and yet far too cold with each other to engage in such an action. Ben was far too sure that this was nothing more than a lie to give Hux his short term desire. Still, the General possessed a constant respect for the rules. The idea of no longer being watched was one that Ben wished for all too dearly...

 

“Don't toy with me.” Ben threatened solemnly. “I don't have to bargain with the likes of you to get what I want.”

 

Hux’s icy look was close to an expression of offence.

 

“Contrary to what you might think, Ren,” Hux retorted, “I believe in fair play.” A fierce shadow fell over his sharp features. “You won't get rid of me unless I choose such a prospect for myself.”

 

Ben was low on energy. He wasn't about to try and kill Hux all over again. There was a logic to what the General said, even if Ben didn't like it. Ben didn't like it at all. Yet if it convinced Hux to stop watching him, if it allowed Ben to maintain control without the General’s influence for a short time period...

 

“Fine.” Ben gave in, though his heart ached with regret instantly when he thought of Rey.

 

He was entrusting the woman to a snake...

 

She could handle herself, Ben kept trying to tell himself over and over. She can do this, you have to have faith in her.

 

“Fine.” Ben repeated. “You’ll go.” He took a step closer to the General, his fists stilled balled up. “This time,” Ben warned, “Ill be the one watching. I'll be watching you. If I see even the slightest trace of disobedience-“

 

“-I am yours to command.” Hux interrupted innocently, though a small smile could be seen dancing along his face. “You have my word, Supreme Leader.”

 

~

 

Giving up had never been part of her life. It was a strength built upon a weakness. There had been times when hunger and desperation had driven her beyond the staked lands of Jakku scrap yards, where she'd been pushed out further to the more remote graveyards of abandoned technology so she might be able to find something that hadn't already been picked clean. She'd braved the risk of getting lost, driven by the relentless growling in her stomach - if she didn't get a haul, she wouldn't eat... And if she didn't eat, then she would die. They were simple lessons she'd had to learn the hard way a child. She risked the wildlife deciding that the many layers of fabric she wore twisted around to protect herself from the sun and sand would be worth the trouble of bypassing for a snack of their own. She risked being buried alive in a scrapped out hull of a crashed ship that had been the only shelter in a violent sandstorm...

 

All because, if she died - she'd never get back home and when her family came back, they'd never find her. It had been something she'd feared, the prospect of having them return and have to start a vigil of their own, waiting for their little girl who could never make her way back to them, crushed under the collapsing durasteel panels of a dilapidated ship she'd wandered into because while risky, it had also been promising. Dying would have been so easy, she'd had many opportunities to embrace it and when she'd been forced to realize the reason why she'd fought so hard to stay alive, the reason why she was so determined, had had to learn to be so resourceful had all been for nothing, she would have been lying if she were to say she hadn't contemplated it.

 

But the man standing before her in this small storage cupboard... He was real. A truth in his own right, not some imagined fantasy. She swallowed hard, waiting for his response. She was not so oblivious to know that she was asking him to act against the Order for which he had dedicated his life. She knew that he must have genuine commitment to it - the words he'd spoken to the troops couldn't have been lies - he had a true vision for the Order and believed in what it could mean for the galaxy. Stability, order... She hoped that he could see as she saw - that with him at the helm, it didn't need to stand in opposition to the resistance. And the resistance didn't need to fight him. If she could be the link between the two... There had been too much loss, too much suffering - though she'd been blind to it, trapped in her own little sphere of existence on Jakku - the longer she spent away from her home planet, the more widespread she saw that it was.

 

Perhaps it was just her own selfish hopes pushing her forward. She had seen Ben strike down his father, witnessed his act of patricide... Foolishly, maybe, Luke would have told her - she didn't believe that the man before her was quite the same. He'd been chained to a grotesquely dark hand. She had endured only a short time of Snoke's dark ministrations where Ben had been forced to spend years under his direction. She felt savage satisfaction in knowing that he had been slain - that it had been Ben's hand to deliver justice. He had changed, surely. Or why else would she be permitted to live? She believed it and for that reason, she couldn't bear the thought that Leia could continue believing the opposite - that her son was truly lost. She would show her! Somehow! And... At the end of it all, if she was still standing, she would see them reunited. A family restored.

 

But first, there was the matter of making the steps to lead towards that path. She shifted her weight restlessly from one leg to the other, clasping her hands before her. She cast her gaze downwards, realizing what those steps would mean. That she would have to abandon Ben. That he would be here alone with a man so vile and growing so bold with his own ambitions that he would challenge him so blatantly before the eyes of the entire crew. It made her... Uncomfortable, immediately she began trying to recalculate, to find another way... But her mind was tying itself in knots, circling back around and around always reaching the same conclusion. Ben could not leave The Ordinance with his grip on the Order being tenuous. Unattended, the General would no doubt continue to sow seeds of disruption.

 

_ ‘Yes... Yes, I can. If you... If you believe you can, then I will grant it for you.’ _

 

He spoke, drawing her out of her own thoughts. She offered him a weak smile as he assured her that she would have his assistance.

 

_ ‘For us.’ _

 

She brightened considerably, her concern that he might have thought her running off again was eased. Her smile spreading finally to her hazel eyes. It was real, then - they would be doing this together though distance would part them once more. He reached for her hands and she offered them freely as if in some way she could save up the feeling if only for a little while of his strong hands laced with her own. As if the recollection may preserve her.

 

_ ‘Just promise me... Be careful, Rey.’ _

 

She nodded solemnly, catching her lower lip between her teeth for a brief moment. He cares... She reminded herself. Truly. She looked down at their joined hands.

 

"Only if you do the same." She tried to make light of it, her smile wavering as her voice softened with emotion. She was unable to keep the concern from her eyes as she glanced up from their clasped hands, drawing a deep breath. She had the easy job. She shouldn't be gone for more than a couple of days, a quick jaunt back. Her heart warmed to think of being able to see Lil again, and being able to say goodbye properly, this time... Her lack of complete recovery didn't concern her, she did not anticipate the need to fight.

 

_ ‘We need to go. You'll hear word shortly.’ _

 

Of course he was right. She dropped her hands away, reaching for her helmet as he cleared the buckets away. She held it in her hands as they stood listening for sounds of others in the hallway. It seemed to be all clear. He pushed the door open and she followed him out, shoving her helmet back into place lest her resolve shattered. Mercifully, he seemed to be operating on the same page - turning away from her. Yet she couldn't help herself, his name falling softly from her lips. He maintained his course and she drew a deep breath, squaring her shoulders. It was for the best, she didn't know what she would have said, only that... She strode off purposefully in the opposite direction.


	17. Chapter 17

She'd reached the quarters she was to share with her squadron, though she had yet to stay a night in them. The others might be here... What would they say? She grit her teeth, preparing herself for hostility. But there was none. The quarters were empty. Her shoulders sagged as she made her way inside. Life as a soldier in the First Order meant that there was not much in the way to do for packing. A spare flight suit, her rifle... Just in case. In a way, it was freeing but also a little melancholic.

 

She turned, a startle squeak escaping her as her eyes widened.

 

"LK-2081!"

 

He closed the distance between them, she found her back pressed against the wall, staring up at him with her eyes wide. Panic gripped her - would she have to defend herself? Against LK-2081, the one on her squadron that she had thought may have been her friend?

 

"KR-0117! I've been looking for you!" He tugged her forward, hand gripping hers as he clasped her on the shoulder. "Are you alright? I saw CS-9874..."

 

"I-I'm fine! I'm fine." She was grateful for the helmet once again, unsure of how she would possibly adapt to being barefaced after this ordeal passed.

 

"Good. I-we were worried about you - you weren't in any of the medbays..."

 

"I know. I- I was in the brig but... Look, I've been assigned to a mission."

 

LK-2081's helmet tilted in disbelief.

 

"I'm going planetside, so..." She reached up, awkwardly patting him on the shoulder. "Try to be good, okay?" She wanted to say more - to make him promise to look out for their Supreme Leader but there was no context for it. No way she could word it that it wouldn't arouse suspicion and conjure up a great many more questions for which she had no answer for.

 

~

 

Perhaps it was preemptive of her - she was supposed to wait for Ben to have sent word but she was eager to be away. She was hardly a model soldier, waiting or following orders did not seem to be in her selection of talents. She was on the warpath. The sooner she left, the sooner she would be on her way back. That was what spurred her to the hangar bay, rucksack thrown over her shoulder. A couple of days. That would be it. Then she would be back and...

 

Her feet halted, startled at the sight that awaited her at the base of the small spacecraft being fueled. The very last person she had wanted to see. General Hux. What was he doing here? Her eyes darted around the hangar - spotting a few other mechanics and works crew but there was no legion of stormtroopers here ready to arrest her. And unless he had snipers nested in the rafters above them, she did not think she was here to be executed... So he had to be here for another reason. She fought with her breathing, forcing herself to take even breaths lest her panic become apparent by the heaving of her chest plate.

 

He had seen her she could feel his cool gaze leveling upon her. She couldn't run, now. She swallowed hard, approaching him with the measured step of any stormtrooper, snapping him a sharp salute.

 

"General Hux, sir!"

 

~ 

 

Despite getting what he had wanted, Hux found himself displeased. The price of the mission meant leaving Ren’s side, and leaving him in charge of the Ordinance. He was sure that his hunch was correct: that this mission was somehow not what it appeared to be, that it was connected to whatever was distracting the unpredictable and fiery mind of Kylo Ren. That man was a poorly constructed tower. If only Hux could find his breaking point and topple that over-confident, brooding knight, without allowing the debris to fall on himself in the process.

 

He had felt his humiliation at the hands of Snoke, but at least then he had only been a servant. Kylo had practically made him a slave, both of them knowing exactly what buttons to push, which would only seem to result in both of them being wounded and no progress being made until... this secret. Whatever it was. The girl he had supposedly carried in that elevator. Hux couldn't help but think over that information with special care and attention. The way he had reacted... it obviously mattered. Yet who was she? Why did she matter so much? If she were only a mere prisoner, a stormtrooper from one of the cells, what had been the purpose? What did Hux not know?

 

For his entire life, he had been taught the natural hierarchy of the order. Every soldier had a place. Every officer had a station. Every leader: a position. It was the ambition of every man to attempt to succeed in moving up the ladder, by whatever means necessary. Even Phasma understood that. Hux almost missed her. She had always been like him. She understood. So why couldn't Ren? Why would the very Supreme Leader risk so much for nothing at all? It was the main difference between them that frustrated Hux so much. His emotional core. His parents’ child, no matter how much he would deny it.

 

He was shortly led to the spacecraft that he and only a few other stormtroopers would join him in. The mission was small, quiet, even. Hux wasn't used to the quiet. He was used to the melody of artillery in the distance, the blazing of fire and dust, the thrill of watching death, but from a distance. Without a war, he felt like much of the rest of them. Confined to nothing except waiting, wandering, plotting, tracking. It remained true that he could work both on and offstage. He still enjoyed the tactics, the calculations, equations that would add up to a perfect and logical balance. The only sense left in the galaxy could simply be found in a single well-timed and plotted move.

 

He was shortly informed of the few who would be joining him. They were well-trained, which Hux supposed was one rare decision from Ren that made any kind of sense as of late, yet there was one designation number that had caught his attention: KR0117. From the outpost. Where had he heard this identification before? Someone had mentioned them in some event or other. Something infamous, Hux was sure, though he couldn't remember the details. It wasn't worth his time. This was a decision he didn't have the patience to question Ren about before takeoff.

 

Still, Hux kept finding pieces of a puzzle that he was sure he could somehow solve. It was maddening that it was increasingly making no sense. How did Ren’s elevator and chamber incidents of rage connect to his clear reluctance to kill his mother?

 

There wasn't much left to do except to wait. When they were on Jira, they would conduct some subtle searches, perhaps even interrogations. How Hux wished he possessed Ren’s power to read minds! The force was wasted on such a child. All the things that Hux would be able to do if he were to let himself engage in the bewildering magic tricks of the legendary dark side. Still, it would make it too easy. If there was one thing that Hux enjoyed above all else- it was a good game. A game of wits, a game with high stakes. That's why he couldn't resist this mission. That's why he was willing to pay the price of leaving the Ordinance, even to leave Ren to himself for a while. Or so, he had promised.

 

What did Hux’s words count for? To Ren, hardly anything. It would be so tempting to continue his spying, regardless of this mission’s outcome. What if Hux were to find Ren’s mother before him? The idea filled him with a hungry delight. Ren’s greatest weakness...

 

He pulled himself back to the present. The crew were all soon to be assembled. Yet he could see one stormtrooper some meters ahead had paused at the sight of him. Hux was fairly used to the reactions of wonder and respect he would receive. He grew proud as he imagined that this trooper was struck by the mere sight of him. How he had worked for so long to intricately build his reputation. This would help him. He would be the Supreme Leader. That day would come, very soon.

 

The stormtrooper had paused for a moment too long. Had they truly never seen the General in the ship before? Unless, they were from the outpost squadron... which meant...

 

"General Hux, sir!" The stormtrooper addressed with a salute.

 

“You must be KR0117.” Hux guessed.

 

She was clearly startled, confirming his theory. Hux would have been pleased with himself for identifying her on logic alone, but there were other matters at hand.

 

“You're early.” Hux speculated.

 

Perhaps despite whatever she had been involved in, Ren had chosen her for her punctuality at least. She seemed to somehow take this rare compliment as an insult as she stiffened. An odd soldier. She must deeply fear him. This brought Hux pleasure. He enjoyed being feared. Still, it wasn't entirely practical since they would be working together for the next day or so.

 

“The spacecraft will soon be ready.” Hux told her, hoping it would ease her somewhat and keep her focused. “We shall take our positions shortly. Prepare to load your belongings.”

 

He dismissed her shortly thereafter. Before it was time to board, Hux took one last look over the grand designs of the Ordinance. The closest place he would ever be able to call home. As if it were a fulfillment of his final promise, he saw Ren standing up on high from behind the safety of glass several floors above them. The Supreme Leader’s gaze was severe, even from a distance. There was something else too. Something like worry.

 

“I will find what you're hiding.” Hux swore to him in a whisper, well aware that he would never hear it. “And even from these heights... you will fall.”

 

~

 

Rey tilted her chin downwards ever so slightly before remembering that responses weren't physical in the First Order, they were always vocal. Her cheeks burned. Hadn't he enough fodder to use against her that she should know better than feed him more? Hopefully he was here only out of curiosity and she would be free of his presence before she could get on her way.

 

"Sir, yes, sir! Designation KR-0117, sir."

 

_ ‘You're early.’ _

 

She tried to gauge the correct response - how could he have possibly known what she was up to? Had he... No, no there was no way he could have overheard them. It did not stop her veins from turning to ice for a brief moment as she considered the possibility that the moment shared with Ben could have been compromised. Ben likely had to inform him in some capacity while she'd been gathering her things. She was beginning to feel a sinking sensation in her gut. She ought to have waited. Perhaps Ben had been about to inform her of whatever in the sweet hells was going on... One day, she would learn to apply the patience she'd adopted as a child to her adult life... She hoped.

 

"Ready and eager, sir!" She tried to think of the previous night, the way she'd wanted to taste CS-984's blood on her tongue as she'd shoved her fist into her face, hoping the thirst for blood would come through in her reply. Perhaps he would buy it, given the stagnation in deployment orders, it was certainly plausible. She despised the General but she was not prepared to underestimate him. He was clearly an adept political mover and that scared her. She knew nothing of political power plays.

 

He commanded respect from a great deal of the stormtroopers - they recognized something in him that they could not find in Kylo Ren. Perhaps it was that he was simply human like the rest of them. Where Kylo Ren had an air of mystery - a mastery over something that they could not comprehend. A wizard, a shaman - something that ought to have been relegated to exist solely in the pages of a storybook. Likely, in some sense, his very presence was enough to distort the rigid and mechanical existence that they had drilled into their minds.

 

_ ‘The spacecraft will be ready soon. We shall take our positions shortly. Prepare to load your belongings.’ _

 

"Yes, sir!" She moved to stand to the side awkwardly, a marking point for the rest of the 'we' he referred to would move inevitably to stand with her in the neat little rows she was beginning to become accustomed to. Just how many.... More were going to attend? Her quick away mission was becoming increasingly more complicated with each passing second. She quickly glanced over the ship, forgetting herself for a moment, shoulders losing the rigidity as her gaze roved over the sleek, gleaming form. It was a marvel - the sort of craft she could only have ever dreamed of scrapping. That part of her she wondered if it could ever leave Jakku, was itching to take it apart. It wouldn't happen, of course - though, if she was lucky, she might be able to slip into one of the pilot chairs but even that did not seem likely.

 

Still... By the look of it, they would only be waiting on three other troopers - a craft like this was not likely to house more than five with any degree of comfort. Nor was it likely to have a generous amount of space for supplies to sustain a long journey. That much, at least, was a positive. She had been about to return to standing stalk still but movement caught her eye. It was the technician tending the fueling. Her eye twitched. The connector seal wasn't... She turned back to Hux, his back was turned to her - surveying the hangar from the looks of things. She bit her lip, if air got into the fuel lines... She winced, unable to help herself. This mission was going to be dangerous enough as it was. Letting her bag slip off her shoulder as she ducked below one of the wings crossing over to the where the tech had walked off - assuming that all would be well.

 

With a sigh, she shut off the hose, hoping she had been able to do so before any damage could be done. The last thing they needed was to prepare to go to lightspeed and lose power halfway through the jump because they couldn't draw enough fuel... Stranding them in who knows what kinds of conditions. Her fingers worked at the connector - freeing the hose in spite of the way she still felt encumbered by the gloves she wore. She examined the edge, resitting the connection seal before replacing it back into the fill point, confident that it was secure - she turned the pump back on and made her way back to the position she had been going to wait.

 

She gulped - the other troopers had arrived. They all stood staring at her, Hux, too. She fell in, helmet pointed straight ahead as her heart hammered in her chest. The armor did much to keep her from appearing sheepish, a perfectly uniform body next to another identical suit of armor. How easy it was, to disappear... To lose one's identity here. Her only comfort was that Hux would be with her where she could keep an eye on him. A double edged blade to be certain, however, if Hux's attentions were diverted... She hoped that Ben might be able to find a solid night or two of genuine rest. She had no idea what it meant to have to sleep under conditions where someone was always looking for the neatest way to get their proverbial blade into your neck but she suspected she was about to find out.

 

In no time at all, the technician had returned, removing the fuel connector and signaled that they were ready to board. She wanted to confront the man about it but felt better of it. He hadn't noticed anything different and... She told herself it was no concern of hers if their fleet had a weak point in it. She marched up the steps in line with the others, bringing up the rear. Once inside, she tried not to feel too disheartened, noting that two of the other stormtroopers had already disappeared. To the cockpit, no doubt. She fell into step behind the remaining trooper, stowing her single bag in the bulkhead as the other trooper had moved to sit down, buckling their harness into place.

 

She sat down, too. She buckled herself in, closing her eyes as she drew a deep breath. She had to stay focused. Head in the game, remember why she was doing this and why she could not fail. She wished she could have seen Ben at least once more before she left. But it was not to be... She was comforted by the fact that Hux did not seem inclined to join the rabble. She wondered where he might be - feeling uneasy not knowing exactly where he was.

 

"Hey..." The other trooper whispered loudly. She lifted her gaze, surprised to be acknowledged at all. "You're that trooper... Right? The one that..." He lifted his fists, swinging them as if he faced an invisible opponent. She grit her teeth for a moment, was this to be her legacy? An insubordinate soldier who put her leader in the infirmary? It was only a matter of time before someone would call for disciplinary action, she supposed.

 

"What of it?" She asked, an edge in her voice. She wasn't sure what game to play - though the circumstances hardly felt fun or entertaining. She never knew whether to make herself appear hardened and ruthless - a lot of the troopers seemed to respond favorably to such things. But she'd been doing just fine keeping her head low... Until she hadn't.

 

The trooper had been about to respond but his helmet turned harshly to the side, his hand raising in a salute. She felt dread in her gut as she turned her head and mirrored the other trooper's salute. The General had appeared out of nowhere as if he was merely a wisp of smoke that could disappear and re-materialize at the blink of an eye. Would he be joining them here? And if so... She hoped he would pick the empty seat next to the other trooper, not the one she wished did not exist beside her.


	18. Chapter 18

It wasn't until the newly gathered company had fallen silent for a solid minute that Hux turned around in question. He was startled to see her, he confirmed it was her by her packed bag that she had abandoned on the floor only a meter or so away. What in the galaxy did she think she was doing?! Tinkering with the connector like that! Hux was about to hurl a torrent of exclamations at her...until he realised exactly what she was doing. Where had she learned such a thing? Was this a further reason as to why she had been chosen despite the lack of professional training given to her squadron? He wasn't sure as to whether to congratulate her or scold her, so he did very little, though he made a note to consider a punishment for the technician. Still, lift-off was close at hand, and Hux was eager to focus on the importance of the matter at hand. Unlike Ren, he would not be carried on pointless tangents led merely by his anger.

 

They would land on Jira and begin investigations. Subtlety was what Ren wanted, apparently. It was almost something of a vacation, Hux was beginning to think to himself. It would be enriching in a way, to simply observe life the life of a planet without reaping its resources or directly making an attack on its people.

 

Hux was about to board, when he noticed Captain Opan standing there, watching with a face that looked as though it was made of granite.

 

“It's true you're going, then.” He noted grimly.

 

Hux looked him up and down. He would be his ally, he hated Ren just as much as Hux did, if not, even more.

 

“Keep an eye on Ren for me.” Hux ordered.

 

The Captain gave a bold salute, while Hux merely gave him a final nod of approval before entering the spacecraft and leaving the world of the Ordinance behind. At least Hux could be sure that the officers would choose him over Ren any day.

 

He was sure to keep his handheld receiver close, just in case of any further announcements, problems or communications from the officers, the mission crew or even Ren himself. Hux hadn't much choice as to where he would sit after he had mounted the steps. Since it was a small spacecraft there was little need for the luxuries he was used to. He would travel with the troops. He spent little time thinking over how humiliating it felt to sit among them. At least in the space he had entered there were only to of them and they both clearly respected him by the sudden stop to whatever conversation they were having and their salutes.

 

“At ease.” He sighed, almost groaned, as he at least comforted himself with the thought that the journey would not be long.

 

He somehow felt that Ren had a hand in Hux’s current positioning, with all his arrogant rhetoric about giving the First Order a human face. Hux scoffed even at the thought of it and tried not to turn his head as he simply found the nearest empty seat next to a trooper and buckled himself in.

 

The receiver beeped as Hux was told that they were ready for takeoff, to which he confirmed that all appeared to be in order. A moment later and they were in the stars. The lights blinked for a moment before returning and the spacecraft hummed before Hux was made aware that they would make the jump.

 

It wasn't long before they could all feel the effects of lightspeed swimming overhead and below.

 

This would be the hardest part. The stiff and uncomfortable silence. Hux sat there like a statue, he longed to cease being human completely so that he would not reveal even the slightest hints of any emotion. The machine had always been so much more reliable than mankind. He supposed he shouldn't say a word. Yet if he were working with these troops for the next couple of days...

 

“When we land, it was the orders of the Supreme Leader to give you some free reign.” Hux took a deep, reluctant breath. “I hope you know how fortunate you are.” Hux let out his frustrations with Ren in a short and heavy sigh, before regaining his more authoritative manner which he commended himself on being able to access so easily. “Nevertheless,” he continued harshly, “I want to make it clear to all of you once we’re gathered that I want you to report back to me early each morning and evening. No gallivanting about with whatever fun you might encounter. This is a highly important mission, not a holiday, and I will be sure to inform the rest of you of as to what will happen should any of you stray too far.”

 

It was harder to remain sharp and assertive when he was sat next to the stormtroopers as opposed to addressing them from the front or a standing position. He didn't even turn his head, but looked straight on, hoping that they would simply register how stern and commanding his voice was. He was sure he had carried across the point effectively nonetheless.

 

There was yet another awkward silence which seemed to last a several minutes at least but was luckily merciful due to the jump soon being pulled to a halt. They must have been close.

 

“Just try to find out what you can about any rumours of the resistance.” Hux concluded to the two of them. “Even the most minuscule of clues could be of vital importance. Do what you must. Just don't cause a scene.”

 

Landing was imminent. Hux could feel the heat from the inside of the vessel even before they had touched the ground. It was dirt and sand. He already knew he would not enjoy the sensation of brushing sand off his uniform every ten minutes. As he repeated what he had said to the other stormtroopers, he attempted to hide his exhaustion with his eagerness to discover what Ren’s true motives were for this mission. Perhaps this poor excuse for a planet was more than what it appeared. Whatever the case, he would soon discover the truth himself, either with or without the help of the troops.

 

~

 

_ ‘At ease.’ _

 

The General sounded as miserably lacking in enthusiasm as Rey felt. She dropped her hand to her lap, turning her face back towards the other trooper who.... Was staring back at her? It was possible that he wasn't and yet she couldn't shake the feeling that perhaps the crawling sensation she felt was his eyes upon her. The dark lenses of his helmet were fixed directly at her. She furrowed her brow, feeling something... Odd emanating from him. It was disconcerting, to the point that the General sliding into the chair beside her was almost a welcomed distraction.

 

She risked a quick glance to her side only for her attention to be redirected back to the other trooper whose helmet had cocked to the side only very slightly. He made a very subtle hand motion that she couldn't quite catch. She made a small indignant sound as she realized the feeling she was trying to interpret was mirth. She could all but imagine the other trooper making faces at her from beneath the safety of his helmet. Her lips twitched into a frown, having to use a great deal of restraint not to slide forward her in her seat in a most unladylike and unprofessional way to render a kick to his shin. Child!

 

The self control was made much easier, knowing that Hux could not see or feel the trooper mocking them both and if she were to act on impulse, he would have no choice but to vent his frustrations at her directly. She had no desire to attract his attention. Who knew the liberties he would feel entitled to take without Ben being there to stop him - the last thing either of them needed was for him to decide her head needed a blaster hole in it for insubordination. Or to send her to re-induction camp - she'd heard only rumors of the places and she had no desire to discover the truth of them for herself. It was a relief when they made the jump to lightspeed and she could simply tilt her head back, eyes closed as she let herself be carried along with the sensation. She wasn't sure if she could ever truly get used to it - there was something reassuring about the feel of dirt and sand beneath one's toes as opposed to the knowledge that the only thing separating one from asphyxiation in the vacuum of space were a mere few sheets of metal, but for the briefest of moments it granted her reprieve from her current predicament.

 

She endeavored to attempt meditation, an attempt cut brutally short by the man beside her.

 

_ ‘When we land, it was the orders of the Supreme Leader to give you some free reign.’ _

 

Rey listened carefully though she couldn't help but feel something akin to smugness settling over her. Of course it was. They could have as much free reign as they liked because they'd never find anything. Rey had done her research to find this backwater outpost when she'd decided to defy the rebel orders - Jira had never once come up in conversation at the tactical meetings between General Leia and the others. This was going to be fruitless mission for them. 

 

She frowned. Maybe it shouldn't be... A failed mission ordered by the Supreme Leader would look bad for Ben. She'd promised herself that she would do what it took to strengthen his position and so she would. She found herself chewing her lower lip with her eye teeth. Maybe... She could... 'Discover the Jedi texts'. Useless, for the First Order, just as they had turned out to be largely useless for herself. She knew enough Common to manage to function but writing was out the window and deciphering ancient cyphers was... Honestly, she wasn't a hundred percent certain why she'd decided to steal them from Ach'To. Still, they might serve as proof, perhaps that they had been on the right trail... Then, the mission would be a success, in some fashion. And, Ben, perhaps might make better use of them. A possibility that would have given her great anxiety, the thought of strengthening an adversary. But now that they were working together...

 

_ ‘I hope you know how fortunate you are.’ _

 

She felt her mood darken, eyes narrowing though she did not turn her gaze towards him - how lucky HE was! She reprimanded herself, now who was being the child? She lowered her visor, glaring at the toes of her own boots. For whatever reason, Ben had refrained from meting out judgment on the man. It was something she would query later but for now she had to follow his lead. Which was to let him be. And unharmed at that, though she'd felt the hell-fire rise in Ben - he had refrained from even harming the General. Curious, indeed. 

 

It hadn't occurred to her that it may have been for her benefit. She supposed her lack of understanding stemmed from a lack of political upbringing. The ins and outs of their maneuverings was beyond her. Things on Jakku were settled with a great deal more simplicity. Might made right. She drew a deep breath, endeavoring to find the calm disconnect that a Jedi was supposed to have. It'd never really helped her before, but she could hope... It didn't. Hux had continued to add his own assertions over what Ben had laid out for them.

 

_ ‘This is a highly important mission, not a holiday, and I will be sure to inform the rest of you of as to what will happen should any of you stray too far.’ _

 

She took a small measure of comfort knowing that he wasn't likely to stray into such establishments as The Ninth Life. In fact, the only place he was even more least likely to stroll into would be the Bawdy Bantha. For the briefest moment she almost wished she'd been able to stash her things there. It was hard not to look forward to seeing Lil again. But it wasn't as though she could walk straight in, in case any of the other troopers decided to be her tail. The General, she hoped, would not deign to lower himself to accompanying the riff raff. He seemed entirely too invested in his position of authority to mix with the poodoo kickers. Perhaps he would travel ahead to the barracks and content himself with lounging in the officer's quarters.

 

_ ‘Just try to find out what you can about any rumours of the resistance. Even the most minuscule of clues could be of vital importance. Do what you must. Just don't cause a scene.’ _

 

"Yes, sir!" Rey's voice echoed with the other trooper.

 

It was a decent walk into town and unsurprisingly, she led the way. Her steps sure, having made the journey before. The spaceport was too large to squeeze into the main settlement. Not that there were many visitors to Jira for personal or pleasurable pursuits. Jira's natural resources were somewhat undesirable or rather not particularly exciting. Textiles, from memory. Plus, some of the mercenaries that served as town guards liked to make visiting guests wander, keeping an eye on the comings and goings. Thieves, too, so Rey had learned, listening to the talk of the travelers during her earlier stay. She made sure she did not lower her guard, though in terms of valuables, she was carrying very little.

 

She was delighted at the prospect of taking a detour through the markets. Of all the things she missed from Jira, about two things, really - the Odo berries that were native to the dry planet were numbered amongst them. In contrast to the terrain, they were a soft red fruit, succulent and juicy. Sweet, too...

 

She had a much faster pace than the others, though her legs were shorter she had a significantly more purposeful gait. It wasn't long before she'd put quite the distance between them. She headed into the town proper - hoping to become lost in the crowd. She had quite lost track of the passing of time and it wasn't until she realized her pristine white armor was drawing attention that she stepped into one of the market stalls, selecting a few long scarves. Not that stormtroopers were a particularly rare sight, here... Nonetheless, she selected some brightly colored scarves, woven with intricate patterns. Desert fibers, long compared to most fibers produced in the galaxy. Great for moisture wicking, and given the climate... They were ideal.

 

She purchased four, but the vendor knew her trade, convincing her to add two metal arm bands into the mix at a heavily discounted cost. Rey was reluctant to part with her credits but in order to avoid the pitch of the merchant's voice raising as it seemed to be the natural progression of her sales tactic, Rey conceded. In some way, it may have been pity that she was persuaded to add them to her invoice - the girl seemed hardly older than herself and at least if she could keep this stand, it meant she wouldn't be finding work in more sketchy establishments.

 

Rey parted with some of her discretionary funds, apparently. They were hardly the most expensive and there were still plenty credits left over to procure food and lodgings. Except, she knew, it wasn't likely that Lil would charge her to stay the night in her bar. It meant she might have to pull a shift, but that was fair. That is, if she hadn't been replaced and her quarters were still empty. She made her way to the back of the shop where they'd a small change tent erected. She would have happily donned almost any of the clothes Lil had given her but she had to stick to her earlier plan of avoiding making such an obvious beeline.

 

She disconnected the latches of her helmet, pulling it free and settled it into her rucksack. Already she missed the climate control features, the heat was sweltering. It felt like ho-Jakku. It felt like Jakku, she corrected herself. Home... Was elsewhere. Somewhere she was yet to find.

 

Quickly, she discarded the rest of her armor and her flight suit, shoving them into her pack which was now quite full. She made quick work of the scarves, knotting and twisting them together and created a rather loose fitting, flowing dress of sorts. It wasn't perfect but, she knew it would offer the most comfort even if it left most of her back and arms bare. She missed her arm wraps, they provided good quality protection from the sand and the sun but she had to remind herself - she wasn't here to go scavenging. That particular niche in the market was not prevalent here. She needed to look like the natives. So, she slid the metal bands up her arms, settling them just above her biceps. The last scarf, she twisted with the ease of practice until it formed a belt but with a few well placed folds, it also created pockets. She'd learned the technique from one of the ancient scrappers on Jakku, whose face had been as dry and cracked as the desert itself.

 

She pulled her hair down, her soft brown hair falling in waves around her shoulders, providing yet further protection from the sun. Not that she had intentions of staying out in it all day. Nor did she have any desire to find herself out in the night when the sun dropped and the temperatures became considerably less hospitable. She caught her reflection in the mirror. Except for the bruising around her eye and the remnants of swelling on her face, the scabbed split in her lip and the rawness of her knuckles, she looked as thought she might just blend in. Who was she kidding? She looked rough as hell. She pulled a lock of hair forward to try to conceal the bruises, but there was nothing for it. If nothing else, it might send a message to the pickpockets that she was not to be trifled with. Finally, she shouldered her pack, making sure her knots were secure and made her way back out into the bazaar. She stopped every so often, engaging in conversation with shopkeepers so that if she were being observed, it would look as though she was doing her job. That is, until she spotted the produce merchant. Her eyes lit with excitement and she made her way over.

 

"One punnet, please!" She clasped her hands together with joy. She could practically taste the fruit bursting in her mouth, the sweet juice on her tongue... For a moment, she contemplated the possibility of bringing back a punnet for Ben. Had he ever had fruit like this, she wondered? He certainly should. It seemed his life was bereft of simple pleasures and these, she rated amongst the top. Right behind hot showers. She made a mental note to return here before they left, if she could manage it.

 

The merchant passed her a small tray of the berries, still cool from the container they'd been store in. She made a few delighted sounds, hardly able to hand the tender over quickly enough to the merchant who chuckled at her enthusiasm. He couldn't understand, of course, he'd likely never have to taste the meals served to the First Order soldiers. Bland and functional. Chosen for optimal performance, not taste or presentation. Much like the ration portions she'd traded for but of a greater nutritious value. She could not fault the First Order for their selections, of course, she had certainly benefited from consuming them - her body less scrawny and more lithe, the efforts of her rather active lifestyle becoming evident in the definition of her muscles. Even if she was no true Jedi, at least she could look the part, right?

 

She thanked the merchant several more times, taking her prize away from the stall with the widest grin, picking up one of the berries and popping it into her mouth, savoring the way it exploded as her teeth punctured the soft skin. If she were ever to rule anything at all, she decided, she would make it mandate that Odo berries be served every day whenever she wished.


	19. Chapter 19

Where Armitage Hux was born, it was unheard of for a day to pass without rain. Arkanis was known for its downpours of rain. Its lack of light. For the light and warmth of a sun to grace its lands was an event. It was something Armitage used to dream about as a small child. Just the idea of light. The notion of heat caressing the skin that would grow sore and coarse from never being given a moment to dry properly. When he wasn't there, he was always kept in the large electrically lit rooms of ships and the academy. There was a time when a sun was something that he believed he would never ever find in his life behind the impenetrable shroud of thick clouds or away from the harsh white of lamplights.

 

He remembered when he had first seen Jakku. He had hardly dared to set foot there and believe that the ground and the high sun and the heat was all real and that he could see it, feel it, touch it. This was when his father was stealing the children from their homeworld, from the sands and sun of the desert to live in the dark with Armitage.

 

He could laugh at the irony of it in the present moment. He would never wish for the rains of Arkanis again, yet he would never desire to drag along in the intensity of the heat of Jira ever again either. He had accepted the empty galaxy as his real home. The mission wouldn't be long, he promised himself. What alternative motive did Ren have? What was the true purpose of him being there?

 

Once the others had set off, Hux realised that he wouldn't be able to do too much if this world knew his face or even his uniform. Nevertheless, even under a blistering sun he knew it would be hard to strip himself of what had almost become a second skin. The uniform was everything. It was one of the ways he would always feel superior. Still, there was a mission to complete, along with his personal mission to find the logic in all of this, and both these missions would require subtly...

 

Armitage Hux found it difficult to let go of his pride. Yet he was determined not to let himself be hindered by it. He could only hope the troops that he had sent would not see him lacking the entirety of his perfect uniform. He relieved himself of the layers over his shirt, but could not bear to part with his boots despite how heavy they were. He wanted the same feeling of bold authority with every step he took, even on sandy ground, even on a planet as wretched as this. While he wouldn't exactly blend in, he imagined he at least appeared less militaristic.

 

What to do? Where to begin? If the others were either searching and interrogating or going undercover, Hux thought that he ought to familiarise himself with their appearances before setting off. It may have been an unorthodox idea, but this entire mission was unorthodox thanks to the likes of Ren. Hux could only be pulled along by this odd current with the hope that he would be rewarded by discovering more. He found his datapad and swiftly, almost casually scanned over their profiles, and their real faces. He only noticed then what the scandal with KR0117 had been about. She had engaged in a fight with her squadron leader. Hux found her face. He couldn't help but stare a second too long at her. It was rare to find a face that was beautiful in the First Order. Yet there was something else. Something that he couldn't place. Was it merely the link between her being from the outpost Ren had taken an interest in? And then he was seen... carrying a female stormtrooper from the cells in an elevator? Hux didn't dare to leap to conclusions. The game was not complete. Pieces were missing and his ideas only led by intuition, not solid proof. Even if these events were truly connected by her, he needed to wait further for a piece of evidence and an understanding of...why. What this business was and why it had been dealt with by Ren in the first place. Hux could only do what he had done for many years: only by remaining patient and vigilant would he finally be rewarded with his greatest desires.

 

He began to wander towards town. He was by no means eager to engage with the vulgar, raucous and possibly also lewd communities that would obviously thrive in such a place as this. Nevertheless, it might be the only way to gather some intel of his own. Not to mention that he found an odd and almost sinful curiosity in what he would see and hear from simple commoners just going about their business. The markets were colourful and full of a life that he had been taught was a disgrace in comparison to his order. Still, his eyes were drawn over the products, fruits and the long linens and silks as bright as exotic birds. So unlike the lack of identity he was used to. The smell of sweat mingling with alcohol, the sounds of different languages exchanging words and the heated colours... it almost made him dizzy. He considered drawing away. He didn't want to stay for long. This was surely a mistake...

 

How long had it been since he had drank alcohol? Whatever the case, he was undoubtedly thirsty. Surely one drink and a sit down wouldn't hurt. It would be so tempting to soothe his tightly-wound thoughts with just one small diversion, just one insignificant drink…

 

~

 

Without Hux, the order had both calmed and grown more tense. The calm before a storm, Ben had begun to think anxiously. There were speculations that their Supreme Leader intended for Hux to be killed while on the mission, yet these speculations were silenced in the presence of Ben himself, who merely heard the thoughts, if he dared to be so bold as to peer into the collective mind of the vessel, which he ought not to do so often since he feared it would either drive him mad or make his actions even more reckless.

 

Without Rey’s presence there, he was already feeling the loss. She had taken his softer side with her. His humanity had already become less tangible, like smoke passing through air. The life and frenzy of excitement had been purely replaced with the familiarity of dull fear and constant dread. Without her there, and Hux being gone too, it was almost as if things had returned to a peace that was somehow uncomfortable and temporary, like a knife being balanced on its edge. No, this wasn't quite peace. It was silence. No one could challenge him without Hux there to spur them on, but this did not eliminate the threat.

 

Ben knew that no matter how life had begun to feel the same again, and how easily he could fall back into his state of being a cool, ruthless man made of metal ruling over a stiff and fearful hierarchy,- he was finally aware of his heart, and that had changed him and the life around him forever.

 

He was tempted to call up Hux every minute, yet he was sure that if he did so then the General was bound to simply mock him or make him feel worse. He resisted for hours on end. It wasn't like he could ask after Rey without looking highly suspicious.

 

He raised a fist to his lips as he thought of what the two of them could possibly be doing. The idea of them being alone together. Ben should never have allowed it. How could he have been so blinded by his fear, his pride so manipulated by Hux as to have left his greatest weakness and greatest love in the fierce General’s clutches far from the Ordinance? The vessel may have been in silence and Ben lacking the extent of his distractions before the mission, but whenever he was alone, he could only live within his own nightmares.

 

What if Hux mistreated her? Surely, it wasn't beyond him to fly into rages at troops, or to abuse them for some kind of sick satisfaction. What if she tried to fight him like she had done with her squadron leader? She had already been close to death... Ben couldn't think of it, yet more thoughts flooded his mind in its place: what if someone from Jira recognised her and called her by a name or told Hux a story that would reveal her?

 

Ben’s nails pierced into his palm even through the gloves he was wearing as he realised he was clenching his fists again.

 

It would only be a couple of days, he promised himself, but it was no use in suppressing his panic when there was nothing but his thoughts to entertain him.

 

He prayed for Rey to forgive him again somehow though he didn't deserve it. He had made far too many mistakes. What could she be doing at that very moment?

 

Please keep her safe, Ben begged to the heavens, littered with blinking stars that looked blankly back at him. Keep her safe.

 

~

 

Though Rey continued to pop her treasured Odo berries into her mouth with inordinate amounts of glee, she could feel her thoughts growing heavier. How easy it would have been to get lost in the moment. To forget herself and the mission, to embrace her anonymity, to slip into the press of bodies and become someone else as she had months ago. There was something incredibly tempting about the prospect of going somewhere new, leaving behind everything that sought to entangle her and reinvent herself. Having no great identity of her own and practically no possessions that were truly her own meant that whatever she was would be relatively easy to shed.

 

She could make her way to a grand city - she tried to imagine one - she could be a merchant for a time. Maybe attend society events where they served things more incredible than Odo berries, though that was even harder to imagine than a bustling city. It was a kind of freedom she never thought she would have felt the alluring pull of. Something she never had felt the need or desire for. Previously, her concerns and wishes, apart from survival, had been relatively uncomplicated. Family. A place where she belonged - a home. But she was growing used to change, having a transient identity... It was becoming easier to construct a past, inventing the things she wanted. But that's all they were... Daydreams and lies. Knowing that it was all false had made her begin to feel hollow.

 

Even so, she was willing to bet she could evade the First Order, to disappear into the harsh glare of sunlight, twinkling out of sight like a mirage. Maybe they would think they had only ever imagined her. A glitch in the system. The thought brought a small smile to her lips. She could commandeer a spacecraft, leave KR-0117 as a half formed memory in bewildered minds and adopt a new persona at the very next spaceport. Being duplicitous was nothing she had ever considered herself capable of, it hadn't been part of her nature... Yet, each passing day felt as though Rey from Nowhere slipped a little further away.

 

And were it not for Ben, she might have. Things had changed considerably since the day she'd first placed her feet on the scorched soil of this planet. In many ways they had become far more complicated than she'd anticipated. Truthfully, she had not expected to see Ben again, fearing that their previous parting would have left him more Kylo Ren and less Ben Solo and yet... He had changed, she'd felt it. But, so had she. 

 

In all of this, he was an anchor. The solid, steady weight that pulled her thoughts out of the clouds and back to reality. It was in the way he trusted her... The way her name - her real name - sounded as he'd spoken it when they were together, that made her want to stay. Made her determined to find her way back to him. There was something terrifying about that thought, that feeling... What it could mean. She shut the thought down, her hopes had been too cruelly crushed when it came to such things. Too ready to attach herself to people, to places... Instead, she told herself, that these things were for other people and perhaps the family she sought was not her own at all but find a way to repair one that should never have been torn apart in the first place.

 

She drew a deep breath, the marketplace coming back into focus as she glanced down at her now empty tray with a frown. The fantasy of being the queen in a palace with an endless supply of berries faded away, along with the short-lived but vivid vision of herself as an apparition - a wisp of smoke, the contrail of a departing ship in the bright sky.... She had to be objective. Dealing in the realms of reality.

 

The marketplace served as a decent vantage point. She had become the tail pinned on the backs of the other troopers, slipping between tents as she marked each of their destinations. Predictably, she watched the trooper who'd sat across from her disappear into the doors of the Bawdy Bantha. The others had taken more sensible approaches. The General was yet to make an appearance - likely off to the Barracks to inspect the facilities or ream out the outpost leader, she imagined. It would be the perfect time to slip away unnoticed.

 

So she did. She made her way down the alleys that would take her to The Ninth Life. It was early, yet. Lil’s usual run of clientele were not likely to have made their way to the most reputable so-called watering hole on this side of the planet. She pulled the doors open, her hazel eyes sweeping the room. She tried to ignore the way her heart swelled at the sight. There had been a couple busy weeks where she'd felt that perhaps she might call this place her home. She sighed inwardly, Ben was right - her need for such things were her biggest weaknesses. The kinds of thing, that if she was wise, she would put out of her mind.

 

"Lil?" She called, tentatively. She knew that the woman would be busy with her preparations. Sure enough, she heard the faint clinking of glass and she made her way up to the bar. She was greeted by the twin barrels of a weapon she'd help to modify. She halted immediately, lifting her hands.

 

"We're not open, yet!" Came the harsh, heavily accented reply. A moment later, Lil's features came into view from behind the bar. She stared, she had not truly expected to see the young woman again. Her lips curved into a wide smile, letting the weapon fall to the ground as she vaulted over the bar top with her inhuman grace.

 

"YERA!" Lil's excitement was apparent in her voice, even before she scooped Rey into her arms and hugged her tightly. It was an embrace that ended far too quickly, before Rey could fully return the gesture. Lil stepped back, eyes roving over her - noting the damage to her face. She swept her hands up into her own, examining the raw flesh of her knuckles.

 

"Who do I need to kill?" She asked immediately, releasing her hands and made her way around Rey in a slow circle as if to search for further damage.

 

"No one, Lil! It was just one fight." She tried to assure her, knowing full well that Lil was protective of her employees. It hurt to know that all of this, too, was a fantasy. She offered her a weak smile, one that Lil met with skepticism, yet she did not push the issue. Foolishly, Lil seemed inclined to trust her. How would she react if she were to discover that Yera did not even exist? That everything had been a lie? Upirlile had never been one to pry - it was why so many of her employees were loyal and why her customers returned night after night. That, or they had been drawn into the vortex that was her charisma and were hopelessly enchanted by the Twi'Lek's hospitality. She walked back behind the bar, feminine hips swaying. She pulled some glasses free of the shelf and set them on the counter, leaning heavily against the bar top. Again, Rey was reminded of just how effortless Lil made everything appear.

 

"Drink?" She offered, pulling a bottle of amber colored liquid from below the counter.

 

"Just water, thank you." Rey tucked herself up onto the barstool, one leg drawn up to her chest, the other swinging freely, trying not to let herself feel the comfort she'd accepted when she'd first arrived. She rested her chin on her knee as she watched Lil set about her self-appointed task.

 

"Mm, well, I'm going to have one." She filled one glass with water and the other with her liquor at the same time, pushing Rey's glass over. She lifted her own and they clinked them together, each murmuring a simple 'cheers'. Silence settled over them as they nursed their drinks, neither seemed to know what to say but it was not uncomfortable. For Lil's part, she was just relieved to see the younger woman returned and in one piece, more or less. And Rey... She stared down at her water, pushing the glass back and forth between her fingertips, smearing condensation across the smooth surface it rested on...

 

"I can't stay." She blurted, swallowing hard, trying to clear the lump forming in her throat.

 

"You're welcome any time, Yera." Lil responded, craning her head back as she finished her drink in one fell swoop.

 

"I'm sorry I didn-"

 

Lil lifted her hand. "It's alright. You're here now." She smiled, mischief twinkling to life in her violet eyes, "Which means, you can help me get the chairs down."

 

It was like she'd never left. Together, they made short work of the preparations and by the time the other girls arrived, Lil was more than happy to let them pull her away to the change rooms to work their magic. It left Lil free to get the music started, the lights dimmed and herself back behind the bar by the time the first of the punters began to stream through the doors. The other Twi'leks had made their way into the room - some onto the stage, one of them scooping up a tray of drinks.

 

"Where's Yera?" Lil asked, halting the other woman from moving away, hand hovering near the tray.

 

"She said she had to get something from her room."

 

Lil shrugged, letting her go and returned to serving drinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> We just wanted to thank you for still being here and continuing to read! We hope you're enjoying the journey!!! :D


	20. Chapter 20

It had been lovely to be able to spend time with the other Twi'Leks - they were all possessed of something she was quite certain she was lacking herself. Inordinate amounts of beauty and grace. They moved as smoothly as pouring water. It was easy to simply sit and stare while they bustled about, getting dressed in their costumes and applying fine powders to their face. They had turned those same brushes and powers on her, each reassuring her that if the person who did this ever came in here, they'd make short work of them... Their concern for her wellbeing had made her eyes prickle with tears threatening to form, something they had not been oblivious to, all of them crowding around her, arms draping over her shoulders in turn.

 

As soon as the music had begun, the girls had to leave - attending their work. It left Rey alone, able to draw a deep breath in peace. She made her way to her room, pulling free the panels she'd hidden her - the stolen belongings behind. She had to rework the contents of her rucksack to make room for the books... The pieces of the lightsaber, she'd had to try to deconstruct further, slipping the small parts into pockets of the pack, wedging them into place in the narrow gaps in the armor - lest her bag be searched... And the communicator. She held it in her palms, it pulsed with a faint glow. To the best of her ability, she determined that she had not missed any attempts at communication. It had been silent. If the attack on the First Order had been the doing of the rebels - it was not one that they had felt necessary to inform her of.

 

She felt very small... Unimportant, once again. Further separated from their cause. It seemed to punctuate the fact that her alignment was in as much flux as her own identity. She tucked it in amongst the folds of her flight suit - when it came time to change, to make the transformation back into a stormtrooper, she'd hide it amongst her smallclothes - her bag and her outer layers of armor might be searched but she was yet to witness any trooper being made to strip down and their have their underthings examined.

 

After she was certain her bag was secure, she made her way back out to the bar - it had already become heavily populated. She found herself smiling, making her own way behind the bar to help Lil with the serving of drinks, quite proud of herself for having been able to pick up the methods of mixing the modest number of drinks she had in the short months she'd been allowed to work there. Lil bumped her hip against Rey's leaning into inform her that the girls had done a marvelous job. She caught sight of her own reflection in the gleaming surface of the trays, her injuries all but hidden under their masterfully applied cosmetics. There was no further time to marvel at their talents, shot glasses placed on the tray and she handed them to the other hostess.

 

Once again, she found herself slipping away, becoming Yera once again. Coming dangerously close to enjoying herself amongst the bustle of work.That is, until she spotted a familiar shock of flame red hair amongst the crowd just at the door. She stared for a moment, looking about herself frantically as if she might be able to disappear behind.... Something... Anything... She glanced back, as if perhaps she had been mistaken. But there was no doubt that it was him. The General had shed his coat - likely finding its heavy material a touch too stifling in the desert heat, but there was no mistaking his features and the vaguely disgusted expression he wore. With mute horror, she watched as one of the girls looped their arm through his, insistently tugging him further away from the door - leading him towards the bar.

 

She cringed inwardly, hoping against all hopes that perhaps the faceless armor she'd donned before might be enough to make this, hopefully brief, exchange.. Inconsequential? After all, what she looked like hardly mattered when KR-0117 was just black and white armor... There weren't faces or indeed, there weren't even people under the blank faced helmets. Just pieces to move across a board with zero interest in their fates aside from overall victory. At least, that is what she assured herself General Hux must think whenever his cool blue eyes passed over the neat rank and file of the troops during assembly. She felt her stomach twist into nervous knots.

 

"Care for a drink?" She offered, forcing herself to smile, aware that Lil's attention had been quirked - not for a second should she have allowed herself to think that Lil would not have detected her change in behavior. Lil was an old hand at this game, Rey was acutely aware that she'd moved closer, still masterfully attending to the drink orders being hurled at her.

 

~

 

It was just the sort of place that he should not have let himself come across and he immediately regretted entering. The heat had obviously been the passage for him to even think of something so ridiculous. The music swam through his ears, the entire population of the bar frolicking or drooling after Twilek women like dogs, nudging each other and howling occasionally in the lowlights. This was a mistake... he should not be here, this was the last place he should be. He should not indulge in this nest of sin and impropriety...

 

One of the young women approached him and pulled him both from his daze of disgust and from the exit further into the bar before he could protest or find his way back outside. She shimmered like living sapphire. Hux blinked at her. He hardly knew how he could react to the leaning of her body towards his, the seductive smile she offered. Best not to react at all if he could help such a thing. He avoided her eyes.

 

“You look tense.” She noticed, tugging him forward, “let me grab you a chair.”

 

Hux tried to protest but no words found him. He wasn't used to this, whatever this was.

 

At least he would be able to gain some relief with the help of alcohol. It wouldn't take too much to try and forget his surroundings, just for the briefest moment at least, perhaps he wouldn't have to force himself to be the General, the name, the reputation that he had worked so hard on. He had already given in as he sat down, though he was still reluctant. This was not his environment. It was dangerously close to a place that he could despise.

 

"Care for a drink?"

 

Her voice wasn't like the girl who had pulled him inside. It was clear and almost vacant. Lacking in the low seductive tones he had previously been addressed with. Hux looked up, and he froze. He blinked and did a double take. Was she... how could she be... he thought back to the profiles and he was sorely tempted to check over them again just to make sure he wasn't losing his senses.

 

...KR0117?

 

His words couldn't find him. He just stared at her. She was caked in makeup, but this only accentuated her beauty to the extent that she was near to angelic. Her skin seemed to glow, her wisps of hair dangled beside her cheeks. How had she managed to integrate herself so quickly into such an establishment? He was in shock. He couldn't scold her, not if she was doing the mission a service somehow by being here undercover, yet he surely couldn't continue to be served like this by her, it was all too unorthodox, too surreal, so much against everything he knew... yet he was far too curious. Already he had seen this stormtrooper try to fix their spacecraft, he had discovered that she had beaten her commanding officer and now she was serving him drinks?! Who was she?! Was she truly the secret... the last piece of the puzzle? He was embarrassed for her to see him in such a place as this bar and without his outer coat. What if she told the others?

 

“... whiskey.” Hux finally requested curtly. It was far too tempting to resist under these confusing and heated circumstances.

 

She turned her back to get him his order and he found that he could not pull his eyes from her. He had to ask her some questions, he wouldn't let her leave his sight. As she gave him what she wanted, he attempted to keep her still with his look. He leaned further into the bar top, hoping that despite the constant music he would make himself heard only to her.

 

“... how does a stormtrooper learn how to fix a spacecraft, mix drinks and find the nerve to turn against her squadron leader?” He questioned. He tried not to make it sound like a threat. He didn't want to scare her, he wanted the truth.

 

She nevertheless froze completely. Caught in the headlights. Did she think he would punish her? Far from it. Hux wanted to reassure her. He couldn't find the energy to even consider a punishment, and in the bar, it truly would cause a scene. He took a gulp of the whiskey straight from the bottle, far more than he should have done. He thought about the last time he had seen rows of empty bottles. The smashing of those bottles... He could only hope the world around him would grow less difficult to reckon with if he continued to drink. His gaze lowered to the liquid of the bottle. His cheeks flustered with shame.

 

“I’m not here as your General.” Hux murmured. “And you're not here as my soldier. That is ridiculous considering these circumstances.” He couldn't quite believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. As if it would help him to get rid of how low and stupid he felt, he took another gulp and faced her once more. Her eyes were still wide as she watched him drink. “How about this...” he bargained, “whatever we say and do tonight, I won't tell a word to anyone else. What you tell me is for my ears alone. If you don't tell of my secrets, I will not tell of yours.” Hux concluded firmly. There was a warning in what he said. No other troops could ever see him in this state. “Do we have an agreement?”

 

~

 

She shifted her weight nervously, discovering that she was wringing her hands, she forced them apart and made herself settle her fingertips on the bartop, doing her best to look perfectly at ease. Cyrra was guiding him closer and closer to the bar - a blue hued goddess leading General Hux on her arm. Rey had seen her in action, she'd seen the way men had made utter fools of themselves just to spend a few seconds more with her. Usually at the expense of their credits, ordering far more drinks than they ought to simply because it meant she'd return with them a few minutes later. Inevitably, it always seemed to end with Lil escorting the more disorderly drunken patrons out the door where the cold of Jira's night would sober them up. Or they'd freeze to death. Either way, so long as they were out of The Ninth Life, Rey didn't think Lil had too much concern over what happened to the unwitting victims of Cyrra's allure.

 

Yet, Hux seemed impervious to her charms, barely acknowledging her existence. He sat down, looking rather uncomfortable. He blinked up at her, staring at her with something akin to recognition flickering over his features. She felt her heart begin to hammer a panicked rhythm through her veins as she kept her smile fixed in place. How could he possibly recognize her? She hadn't realized that there were rather in depth dossiers kept on every soldier, that her helmet had captured the lines of her face and she was now part of a monstrous database. It should have been obvious, but there was so much she still did not understand about the inner workings of the First Order.

 

_ ‘Whiskey.’ _

 

Grateful to have an excuse to turn away, she busied herself with fetching the drink he had requested. She poured a neat nip, the amber liquid even with the top of the etched patterns on the heavy glass as Lil had shown her. She could feel his gaze upon her, her cheeks growing warm with... Embarrassment? No, it wasn't that. Vulnerability, she decided, she felt rather exposed without her armor - the helmet to hide her expression. The makeup and styling the girls had given her hair were poor substitutes for a complete lack of visibility. She turned back, sliding the glass towards him, hand still resting idly on the bottle. She tried to look away, to turn her attention to another customer, but Lil had already swept in, giving her a sidelong glance. The expression on the Twi'lek's face left her feeling bewildered as she jerked her chin back towards her patron.

 

Swallowing hard, she had turned back to face the General, nearly jumping out of her skin, discovering that he'd leaned in further across the bar. Suddenly the solid wood and metal surface between them felt like it was not nearly wide enough. If his intention was to avoid the appearance of being menacing, he had failed dreadfully.

 

_ ‘...how does a stormtrooper learn to fix a spacecraft, mix drinks and find the nerve to turn against her squadron leader?’ _

 

Her eyes widened, any hope that she was faceless number amongst thousands of others disappeared. For a long moment, she'd frozen as if his words had been made of ice. Indeed, she could feel the fine hairs on the back of her neck prickle with the feeling of unease growing in her gut. She pulled her hand away from the bottle, crossing her arms lightly across her stomach as she stared back at him. So he did know. Hadn't she told herself not to underestimate him? Her eyes darted back to the bottle, prepared to seize it if it looked like the General had plans of meting out disciplinary action. But he'd beaten her to it, choosing to drink from it instead of the glass she'd prepared for him.

 

_ ‘I'm not here as your General. And you're not here as my soldier. That is ridiculous considering these circumstances.’ _

 

She remained mute, unsure of what she ought to even begin to try to say to him. He was right about one thing, however, so long as she was with Lil and the others in this bar - they wouldn't let him lay a hand on her. And the patrons were never shy of a brawl if anyone was hassling one of the girls - especially an outsider. Even without his coat, he still stood out from the others. It was the way he carried himself, the rigidity... He may as well hang a target on his back. The thought brought a small relief, one that was enough to help calm her nerves if only enough to drop her defensive posture. Her shoulders squared, hand moving to her hip as he continued to speak.

 

_ ‘How about this... Whatever we say and do tonight, I won't tell a word to anyone else. What you tell me is for my ears alone. If you don't tell of my secrets, I will not tell of yours.’ _

 

She was not so vapid as to have missed the warning in his words, the undercurrent of danger.

 

_ ‘Do we have an agreement?’ _

 

Every fiber of her being was screaming its protest. Her instincts were telling her that getting involved in whatever little game the General wished to play was unwise. She may have become adept at making up stories to tell people who cared only in passing but the way he had not taken his eyes off of her made it apparent that a flimsy lie was not going to suffice. She felt like a sandfly caught in a large web and Hux was the spider waiting greedily for its next meal.

 

For the umpteenth time in her life, she found herself acting on impulse. She braced her hands against the bar, leaning in closer just as the General had done earlier. She doubted that she could manage to conjure up the same intimidating effect he had but knowing that Lil and the others would have her back had given her a rather stubborn streak of confidence.

 

"That agreement only stands on the assumption that I know some secrets of yours, sir." Her eyes narrowed slightly in contrast to the slight curve of the corner of her lips. If he considered grabbing a drink to be a secret, an intolerable sin - if he caught wind of the dirty laundry of the outpost here, he'd more than likely enjoy the entire next day reaming out the officer in charge of the barracks who had been known to frequent any drinking establishment that would have him.

 

Surely he would have to see the logic in her challenge - even if she was just a normal stormtrooper, anything she divulged would be an admission of insubordination. The risk he put himself out for was far less significant than the potential fallout she would have to contend with. She had no desire to end up in the brig... Or worse. She had no reason to trust him, no way of knowing if his word was worth the breath expended on it.

 

"But if it's simply your reputation that you're concerned about... I won't tell anyone that I saw you here." She added, straightening and grabbing the nearest rag - wiping the condensation from the counter top. She didn't mean to challenge him outright and even with an inflated sense of security (one that she would later realize was dreadfully short-lived, as soon as they had to return to their ship back to The Ordinance, it would be back to being a meek subordinate trying to avoid any attention whatsoever) she didn't wish to inflame the situation further. She knew better than to play with fire.

 

She was saved from having to supply further answers to the General, her attention turning to one of the female patrons had approached, slinking over. Her intent was clear in her gaze, the body language she adopted. She leaned back against the bar. It seemed unnecessarily rude to keep her back turned to Rey, raising a finger, breathlessly ordering an absurdly obscene sounding cocktail, all the while her eyes were glued to the General. She let her gaze rake over him, noting the First Order insignia on the sleeve of his black shirt, running her tongue over her lower lip as she cocked her head to the side, exposing the length of her neck to him. Rey stared, aghast at her brazen behavior. Amused, also, but mostly taken aback. If Cyrra hadn't put a dent in his composure, she doubted that this barfly would.

 

"Haven't seen you in here before..." The woman reached out to touch the emblem. Cringing, without thinking - Rey reached out, swatting the woman's hand away earning her a small, outraged sound of indignation from the woman as she whirled around to face Rey. A burst of flame to their left made them both pause, staring at Lil who had lit the contents of a small, long handled container on fire, raising it high above the awaiting glass below, pouring the flaming alcohol into the glass before quickly settling the clear lid over the top of the glass. The fumes swirling above the scarlet colored liquid were as trapped as Rey felt. Lil shoved it at the woman, sending her off with a stern look. The sternness dissipating immediately as she turned towards Rey, winking at her knowingly, a hand briefly settling on her lower back as she passed, sashaying down to the other end of the bar to attend another order.

 

She wanted to follow Lil but her feet stayed rooted in place as though Hux himself had command over the Force and had used it to keep her standing in place. She swayed listlessly as though she might still follow her but she couldn't. Hesitantly, she lifted her gaze back towards Hux, knowing full well that he hadn't disappeared, that she was not simply imagining this bizarre twist of fate.

 

~ 

 

_ ‘That agreement only stands on the assumption that I know some secrets of yours, sir.’ _

 

Her tone was sly, even defiant. A smirk pulled at the corner of her full vermillion lips. Hux narrowed his eyes. No wonder she had got into that fight. If he didn't believe she was somehow unlike the others before, he could definitely believe it now. She was somehow untouched by the uniform mindset Hux and his father before him had spent their lives drumming into the troops. She had... self-interests. It were as though she even had the gall to consider herself his equal. It challenged him. It enraged him. He could feel the heat rising in his face until his cheeks burned, but before he could snap at her, she continued:

 

_ ‘But if it's simply your reputation that you're concerned about... I won't tell anyone that I saw you here’ _

 

At least he had her word, though her assumption, while correct, was far too bold and filled with insolence. She wiped the counter top with a rag in one casual sweeping movement. No stormtrooper had ever acted this way in front of the likes of him. Who was she? Who did she think she was? She must have thought of herself as somebody, and that was unusual for any of the troops, or, so he believed. Was this all to impress him? To crawl her way up the ranks by means of sheer impulsive acts of challenge? Hux was almost too amazed by her to even start to berate her, but his attention was soon forced upon a somewhat scantily-clad woman who had prowled over towards him like a cat.

 

Her stare made him exceedingly uncomfortable as she swiftly ordered a cocktail and pulled as close to him as was possible. Hux could have sunken into the floor. This was more than humiliating, it was soon to be a downright scandal as he avoided watching her tilt her head while observing him with a clear glimmer of what Hux could only presume was lust in her eyes. To say he was unsettled was an understatement. He was close to a flight or fight response as he shifted backwards in his seat. Her look had fixed on the emblem on his sleeve. Was it power that she really wanted from him? That's all anybody had ever really wanted from him. Unless her attraction was merely on the grounds of the physical, which was a language that Hux had never spoken, nor had any intention of doing so.

 

_ ‘Haven't seen you in here before…’ _

 

Hux was about to make some kind of sharp retort, or to simply leave as he should have done before he had sat down, but as the woman reached to touch his sleeve, the arm of KR-0117 launched out and hit the her hand. Letting out a high-pitched outcry, she whipped around to confront her attacker but a sudden flurry of flames to the left halted all three of them as a Twilek finished making an especially explosive drink and sent it to the woman swiftly as a much-needed distraction for her, sending her away from them and finally allowing Hux to breathe a sigh of relief. His anger with KR-0117 had somewhat dissipated after that woman’s intrusion. KR-0117 had not wanted to see him shamed, and that much at least was to her credit. Still, he was reluctant to thank her after her previously impertinent address.

 

“I'm... grateful” Hux confessed, “that even without a uniform you have no desire to watch me be molested. It seems that you, your uh...” he saw the Twilek who had made the drink expertly addressing the other customers, “...your manager and I, are the only three in this establishment with any sense of common decency or propriety whatsoever.”

 

He thought he saw her suppress a scoff or maybe even a small smile. Perhaps he was imagining it. A smile was a rare thing to see in the first order, much less a smile that was full of a wholesome joy rather than a delight founded on the misery of others. KR-0117’s expression was one founded clearly on empathy or wholesome joy, and this was something that the General had not been in close proximity with for... the whole of his life. He was appalled with himself for his thoughts bringing him to the idea of joy or empathy as being precious. Joy and empathy were weaknesses, he repeated in his mind. Any weakness could bring about the destruction of his entire purpose. He took a long, long drink and his boots began to feel especially heavy on the ends of his legs. He swallowed down the sting of it and tried to keep his intentions clear: put KR-0117 at ease. Help her to feel as if she could divulge some information. Yet for her to do that, he was forced to accept what she had told him before...

 

“Very well, KR-0117.” He hummed. “I shall tell you a secret of mine if I must. Consider it my additional payment for your intervention against the likes of that crude succubus.”

 

This was the difficult part... how to gain her trust? What could he reveal and how much would he truly be willing to risk? He stared into the bottle. This would not be an easy affair. Would the drink help him further? He would surely lose his senses... but the temptation grew stronger with every minute. Maybe it would help him feel braver. It had seemed to make his father braver...

 

“There is not much that I can tell you which you haven't already assumed or known.” Hux guessed. It was more of an excuse, but he hoped she would believe him. He met her sharp, hazel eyes. “You have potential.” Hux noted aloud. “I've seen potential. Potential is nothing without patience. My best advice...” he swallowed as he realised it was already harder to say words from what he had drank already. “My secret is... patience.” Hux admitted. “All my life I've been waiting.” He thought he saw some recognition of his words in her look being drawn to the floor. “You have waited too.” Hux guessed. “If you watch... if you wait, then you will be the first to notice just what will happen when the ground shifts, when empires fall and new orders are born.”

 

Hux took another drink. He was soon unable to help himself. The situation seemed more dire the more he thought over it, and the drink made him feel lighter than he had been in many months.

 

“Have no connections.” Hux continued, he was aware that he was rambling his advice to her somewhat. He thought of Phasma and suddenly the lightness of the drink became heaviness. “Have not a care for anyone in the galaxy.” Hux advised coolly. He thought of Ren. His teeth clenched and he took yet another large drink. “This is the problem of our Supreme Leader.” He was bold enough to exclaim. He could sense a slight change in KR-0117’s reactions. He was revealing too much. He didn't dare continue the thought. That sort of business could come later. He need not say more. He was growing tired.


	21. Chapter 21

She had angered him, she could see the flush rising to his cheeks as he glared back at her. She didn't know what it was, the sense of danger, perhaps but it was mildly intoxicating. Like a bruise that one's fingertips could not stop worrying, she felt drawn to push the boundaries of his restraint. But she'd promised to follow Ben's example, as much as she wanted to exact revenge upon him, to silence his unspoken threats against the Supreme Leader. As such, it was hard to make herself stop and instead, reassure him that she wasn't going to blabber away that she'd seen the General of the First Order having a drink or that he was in anything less than his usual pristine uniform... He might have been less infuriated if he knew the truth of the matter, there was no one to tell… She talked to no one.

 

The First Order did it's best to kill fraternization amongst its ranks and had been largely successful - taunting the bottom feeders with the promise of advancement if they were always ready to kick their fellow man in order to further themselves. It was horrible. How they could trust one another to fight at each other's side was somewhat beyond her. The method was not always a hundred percent successful, as she'd discovered, developing some kind of amicable attachment within the squadron. Even so, LK-2081 was hardly the gossiping sort and CS-9874 was likely to attempt to mop the floor with her again if she spoke so drastically out of turn about her idol. The others, wouldn't care... The only one who might, would be Ben and she had no intentions of keeping the details of their exchange a secret from him. Would he crack a smile at the thought of Hux so wildly beyond the realms of his comfort zone? She found herself wondering what that might look like...

 

Her pleasant thoughts had been diverted, intervening to save the General from having to respond to the unapologetically flirtatious woman. As much as she would have enjoyed the prospect of seeing him shamed, utterly humiliated as he had managed to do to her and Ben in front of the entire crew of The Ordinance, she'd reacted far too quickly, diverting the hand that would have likely begun with a light touch to his insignia and ended with something Rey had no desire to see. Working at The Ninth Life had opened her eyes to a great deal of perplexing behaviourisms of people motivated by things she was quite inclined to believe she'd never felt nor had a great deal of understanding about. For instance, she had no idea what could possess someone to drive their hands to the most sensitive parts of another complete stranger and think that it could yield any sort of positive results. In her opinion, it was the quickest way to get knocked flat on the floor, which exactly what she would have done if someone ever tried such a thing on her.

 

As soon as the woman had left and Lil had retreated, giving them far too much space for her comfort, she'd directed her gaze back to Hux.

 

_ ‘I'm... Grateful. that even without a uniform you have no desire to watch me be molested. It seems that you, your uh... your manager and I, are the only three in this establishment with any sense of common decency or propriety whatsoever.’ _

 

She was torn, equal parts amused and irritated. In spite of herself she found herself smiling, if only faintly. It was an expression she quickly wiped away, crossing her arms over her chest and gave him a look that clearly showed that she was less than impressed. Were it not for his success in embarrassing their Supreme Leader and her entire squadron, she never would have gotten into that fight with CS-9874. Or at least not for a while longer, something about it had indeed felt a little inevitable. Yet, the General had found a weak spot in the squadron and had pressed it until CS-9874 had little choice but to act on what strange concept of honor that the First Order had bestowed upon its soldiers. Without realizing, she'd lifted her fingertips to the bruised flesh on her cheek - though well hidden under layers of the Twi'lek's makeup, it was still tender to the touch.

 

"Grateful for someone for whom watching others being humiliated isn't a source of entertainment? That seems a touch ironic, doesn't it?" She couldn't help herself, the words slipped out between her teeth before she could halt the words, smarting with the sting of aggression. There she was, doing exactly the opposite of what she'd assured herself she'd known better than to do - playing with fire. It was almost a challenge to herself - see how far she could go before she was forced to retract her fingers, feeling the heat of the proverbial flame. She'd taken to rinsing out a glass that had been shoved across the counter at her as the General indulged himself further in his drink. For a man so usually well composed, she couldn't help but note that he was hitting the bottle rather hard. She hoped he had the credits for it - Lil paid her 'importers' well for top-shelf alcohol.

 

_ ‘Very well, KR-0117. I shall tell you a secret of mine if I must. Consider it my additional payment for your intervention against the likes of that crude succubus.’ _

 

She tilted her head, eyebrows raising. Truthfully, she hadn't expected him to respond to the bait. It hadn't been intended to bait him, she realized. It had been meant to signal a roundabout refusal. She had no desire to learn more about the First Order's red haired General. His secrets, she was quite ready to believe would be awful. She could imagine him bragging about the scores of villages he had razed. She found herself wondering if he had done any of his dirty work himself or if he had been inserted into the ranks at such a height that he'd always been able to delegate the burdensome wet work of conquering to others. How much of the blood spilled did he actually have the guts to wear on his own hands? Even she'd had to dirt her own hands since leaving Jakku.

 

_ ‘There is not much that I can tell you which you haven't already assumed or known.’ _

 

Just where was this going? He had her attention, though what he could possibly imagine he knew about her mental processes, she hadn't the faintest notion. Did he think her like the others, that she was thirsty for advancement in a hulking machine of war? That she wanted to have a swathe of color on her armor, as if that could possibly give her any sort of satisfaction? She supposed she couldn't be too indignant at the possibility. She was simply KR-0117 in his eyes. Her soul was supposed to be as empty as the rest of them. A vessel to fill with orders and nothing more.

 

_ ‘You have potential. I've seen potential. Potential is nothing without patience. My best advice...My secret is... patience.’ _

 

Her skin crawled - somehow having the General's opinion that she had potential was disconcerting. If someone like him saw anything remotely promising must surely mean that she was dangerously close to collapsing into the darkness... The prospect frightened her. Had she changed a great deal more than she had expected? Or was he simply plying her with what may be as close to flattery as he was capable? She wasn't sure what was worse. He turned his words towards advice. Hardly a secret. Yet she continued to listen.

 

_ ‘All my life I've been waiting.’ _

 

Her gaze dropped to the floor, not wanting to hear any more. She did not want to find a core of commonality, that they were in any way similar. She did not want to consider the possibility that there was more to him than the harsh exterior he presented to the world. It was much easier to loathe him if he was simply a monster... Her gut twisted at the thought - how prepared she was to write people off. She'd written Kylo Ren off as a monster when first they'd met, he'd been taken aback at how her instincts had been to kill him. Much, she suspected, as Hux would be if he, too, was capable of reading her thoughts as Ben was. No! She gritted her teeth. Hux and Ben were nothing alike...

 

_ ‘You have waited too. If you watch... if you wait, then you will be the first to notice just what will happen when the ground shifts, when empires fall and new orders are born.’ _

 

She hated how easily read she was - as if looking away had divulged any part of her own history to him. His speech had slowed, only marginally. The drink was no doubt having an effect on him by now. His words were unsettling, painting a mental image for her of the man waiting as a dark shadow, a carrion bird preparing to swoop in at any moment. There was danger in a brash man's actions but it was a different kind of damage that a patient man could do... Those willing to play the long game were seldom appeased at a mere outburst of violence.

 

_ ‘Have no connections. Have not a care for anyone in the galaxy.’ _

 

She shook her head softly, her expression changing to one more akin to melancholy. His advice was to set herself apart? To be alone? She'd done that, already. Isolation was awful, the loneliness felt as though it had been drawing the life right out of the marrow in her bones. She had felt stronger when she was part of something bigger than herself. Even if it had begun with defending the orange and white spherical droid and grown into something... She thought of the crimson guards and her escape... All of it would have been impossible if she and Ben had not worked together. It was if he could read her thoughts, his words turning towards the subject of her brief preoccupation.

 

_ ‘This is the problem of our Supreme Leader.’ _

 

Hux had continued, clenching his teeth - betraying a fragment of his frustration towards Ben. She shifted her weight, bristling at the sound of his distaste in his grog-leaden voice.

 

"Or, perhaps you've yet to make the right kind of connection." She bit back, feeling her hostility rising. So, he felt that the Supreme Leader was weak... By proxy, he was speaking down about her as well, though he couldn't know it. He was playing his hand far from his chest - his treasonous intent was hard to miss. She thought back to his metaphor, her chin tilting upwards with all the impetuosity of a child.

 

"Patience leaves far too much to chance. Why wait for the chance of the ground to shift if you can break it yourself?" Her eyes sparking with a dangerous glint. Was it her pull towards violence or a by-product of the connection with Ben and his volatile temper? How easy it would be to write off the flaws of her own person on something she had no control over... Tempting, though it was, she knew she had no right to cast blame upon him. This vehement protective side was something that she'd been born with.

 

She was about to stride away, confident that if she left the conversation, she would not give into the temptations that made her fingers twitch. That is until she nearly stepped bodily straight into Lil who had apparently been observing them. There was a small smile on her lips as she cast an amused glance at the red haired man that had occupied her young employee the moment he'd stepped foot into the bar. The fact that she had displayed rather territorially that he was off limits to the predatory women in the bar had not gone unnoticed, nor the fact that she'd scarcely been able to keep her hazel eyes off of him... To the point of missing orders from the other patrons.

 

"Go on..." She prompted, scooting her back until she had positioned Rey right in front of Hux once more. Rey lifted her hands in protest, brow furrowing in confusion.

 

"Take him to the back, darling - you're not much use out here." She leaned heavily against the counter, sliding her violet gaze slowly over the man. Whatever the human saw in him was a bit of a mystery to her, she had to admit - but it was no business of hers. The heart... Or the body... Wants what it will.

 

"N-no, you do-" Rey flushed scarlet, shaking her head. Lil had completely misinterpreted... She felt panicked.

 

"You're on break. For the rest of the night. And you..." She turned to face Hux directly, her voice changing as she addressed him. "Hurt her and you'll know what it's like to be deprived of the privilege of two functioning legs." She scooped another bottle from below the bartop, pressing it into Rey's hand at the same time lifting the panel beside her that opened a walkway back into the patron's side of the bar. Rey balked at the hand guiding her through, mildly terrified at the distance or lack thereof between her and the General. She had no desire to take him anywhere, much less the closest thing she'd had to a room since she'd lived in the gutted AT-AT.

 

~ 

 

_ ‘Or, perhaps you've yet to make the right kind of connection.’ _

 

Interesting. So she believed in personal connections despite the treacherous nature of the order that had allowed Hux to climb its ladder while simultaneously throwing down his obstacles and his empathy. Hux was certain that the majority of troops would not even begin to question his word. He realised that for her to respond so roughly she surely still ardently believed in such fairytales as love and trust. Child. Did she seriously believe that she made the right connection with anyone? With a pretty face like hers shared with a fiery spirit, Hux was sure that she had convinced herself that some empty-brained admirer or comrade had some feeling for her. Perhaps that was why she seemed to think of herself as an individual. As someone important.

 

_ ‘Patience leaves far too much to chance.’ _ She continued,  _ ‘Why wait for the chance of the ground to shift if you can break it yourself?’ _

 

Hux knew that she ought to have angered him with such a reply, but he found himself caught between the heat of his rage and the light of his admiration and growing fascination. She was brave. Braver than even he was, yet she had only confirmed to him that she was a child, and an unruly child at that. She turned and marched away only a couple of steps before she was stopped. The Twilek manager was watching them, and the girl had almost walked straight into her. There was a twinkle in the Twilek’s eye as she whispered something to her before pushing her back towards Hux.

 

_ ‘Take him to the back, darling’  _ Hux heard the manager say,  _ ‘you're not much use out here.’ _

 

_ ‘N-no, you do-’  _ KR-0117 stammered, her face was fast turning scarlet.

 

Hux only then realised exactly what was happening. Or at least, he thought he did. His clarity was fast disappearing due to the drink. Hux noticed the Twilek fixed him with a dangerous stare.

 

_ ‘Hurt her and you'll know what it's like to be deprived of the privilege of two functioning legs.’ _

 

Hux was sorely tempted to teach that manager a lesson after a comment like that, but they were already being ushered into the patron’s side of the bar and his limbs were heavier with each minute. Hux was sure to bring what was left of his bottle, but was also relieved to see the girl carrying another one, just in case.

 

It was far more intimate in the room. There was quiet, a smaller space. This was something that neither of them wanted, Hux was sure of that much. While he wanted to know more of her, this wasn't exactly what he had in mind. To ease himself, he found he was taking more large gulps of whiskey in the difficult silence that followed. He dared to look back at KR-0117. She had a look of what he assumed was judgement. Ah, of course. She was judging his excessive drinking. It couldn't be helped under the circumstances, but Hux thought he would at least address the matter.

 

“I know it’s a vile business.” He acknowledged with a sigh, gesturing to his bottle. He swallowed down the remnants of the burning in his throat from the drink and desperately tried to remove from his mind the embarrassment of this situation. “This is a night unlike any other in the past decade,” Hux admitted. “I’ve made sure in the past to deprive myself of alcohol... despite my love of it.” He wished that he could remove those images of his father’s rows and clusters of sticky empty bottles from his mind. No, he would not think like this. The drink would ironically help him to forget such things, or so he hoped. “I am... I am well aware of what it does.” Hux assured grimly.

 

He took another drink. The world had begun to swim. He nevertheless remained as straight and stiff as a board. She watched him. The defiance mixed with something nearing disgust had not left her look. Hux wouldn't let it stand. Not without speaking his damn mind. He was aware that the drink was taking control. He didn't care.

 

“You are wrong if you believe that anyone cares a jot about you.” Hux spat, unable to hold it back longer after what she had said earlier.

 

How dare she. How dare she believe that she could be cared for. How dare she challenge him. Hux’s temper was fast-rising like the swarming waters of a flood. He was sure that she had already begun to protest, but he wouldn't hear a word.

 

“Connections don't strengthen your abilities.” He cut in as sharply as a blade, silencing her once more.

 

Her short and stunned silence was a small and unsatisfactory pleasure in the midst of this increasingly horrendous evening. He took another drink. He was growing more numb every second. He was grateful for that. He couldn't stop there. He simply needed to show her the reality.

 

“Sentiment will destroy you.” Hux declared in solemn, hardened words, the words took more effort to pronounce and so he increased each syllable until it became harsh and uncompromising to the ear. Once he had started, he had to carry on. “Sentiment is chasing what’s not possible and can't be caught. It is a sickness...” Hux himself grew sick even at the concept. Was the drink making him nauseous? Once more, he didn't care. It was a release he had desperately needed for many months, even years. “it is purely a disease.” Hux concluded, he was sure that his revulsion was evident with every breath he took.

 

His drink would soon be finished. Still, the girl had another bottle. He reached out for it, but she moved away. Depriving him of his right, acting as his equal rather than his soldier. His anger boiled in his blood with every pound of his heart. He remembered the warning of the Twilek manager. As if she had the right to even dare to threaten him like that! He was the General of the First Order! Nevertheless, he resisted the temptation to wrestle that bottle off her and beat her in the process. His arms still shook. He saw his reflection in a hanging mirror. He couldn't help it. No matter what he did, he couldn't forget. The hair... the reddened cheeks and sharp eyes... He was reminded. Reminded of…

 

“When you hear fate coming closer, sentiment won't save you.” Hux mumbled, avoiding both the reflection of his icy eyes and the fire in KR-0117’s.

 

“You can hide,” Hux began, and he was transported to hiding himself away under tables, in cupboards, wherever he could scramble away to in time. It would never work. He would always, always be found, and be even further punished for his ridiculous cowardice. “You can run,” he continued, remembering how he could hardly feel his feet on the ground because of how fast he had tried to move. “You can plead on your knees...” he didn't dare to even think of those moments at all. “but all the bruises... the sores, the beatings and the blood... it will never hurt you, never haunt you as much as the mere weakness of sentiment.”

 

It was true. It didn't matter how often he would bleed. What mattered was when he asked himself why. What mattered was that it was Brendol Hux, his father, who did it. He could feel the weight of her look. His sentences had become a map of roads, each connecting and elongating in awfully chaotic and uncontrollable directions. He thought she might be shocked. He was shocked himself. Yet it was somehow too satisfying to resist, so he continued, fuelled further by his frustration from the naivety of the girl.

 

“Break the ground yourself, you say!” Hux could have laughed aloud when he applied her fierce and optimistic sentiments to his experiences and memories that he had become lost in, as though he had fallen down a black hole. “Don't you see?!” He snapped at her, dangerously close to a hysterical state, made possible by his drink, “Intervention was never an option! You can't fight this. Not when...” he was there again. Back in the body of a toddler. He couldn't remove it from what he said aloud until it was too late. “Not when... you can hear him coming closer. When you're not more than four years old... A baton, or a crowbar, or a bottle of whiskey... swinging... in his hand. On a night like this...”

 

She was stunned, he was sure. He chuckled dryly. This was what she had wanted, wasn't it? For him to spill his secrets. He was only fulfilling her wish. His hand clenched the empty bottle, grip tightening on the smooth object.

 

“Do you...” he breathed, trying to keep his senses together. It was difficult. “do you really think that fighting was ever an option?” He finally met her eyes with his once more and he glared at her. “You... you honestly believe that there ever was or will be any choice except to wait?! to bear it out?!”

 

Her mouth opened to reply but even if she did, Hux could hear nothing except his own heavy breaths.

 

“You child!” He scolded her. “You think that I didn't try?! That I wasn't once like you?! That I didn't think about ending the torture every single miserable minute... of every single miserable day? That I still don't think about what it would take to ascend to the to the damn throne?!”

 

He might as well just confess it aloud. He had just as far with everything else. He was exhausted, so tired of simply hiding what was already obvious. Why was it all coming out now? Was it all the drink? Or was it something about her presence, something about the way she behaved that he could not remember ever encountering before in his life. She had stared for a moment at his previous declaration, but seemed to hide herself quickly soon after. Hux was losing his grip. His head pounded and he was close to losing his footing. She couldn't... she wouldn't... repeat his words? Not that anyone would believe her, he hoped...

 

His temper was already on the surface, but somehow her refusing to look back at him after her brief moment of what Hux presumed was bewilderment frustrated him further. It was as if she thought herself not even his equal, but better, somehow. His anger was complicated by the fact that Hux had little to no energy left. He leant from side to side like a tall pole.

 

“Look at me!” He snarled at her, desperate to simply gain back his dominance, his confidence, after the humiliation of what he had told her. He had to show her... he was better than this. He was what she knew him to be and nothing less. She should be afraid, she should be terrified of him. “I am ...better than my father ever was.” Hux slurred. “I am General... Armitage Hux. Sentiment has done nothing... nothing except to hurt me.”

 

The world had grown blurry. The sick feeling lifted from his stomach to his chest to his throat. Hux’s grip on the bottle cracked it completely. In a second he had no capability to register, he had shattered the glass. It had littered over his boots, like tiny pieces of glittering mirror. Tiny, thin, transparent knives. Hux stumbled backwards, shaking the shards off his boots and trousers as best he could. There was a silence. Was she afraid? He couldn't think clearly. He scoffed at how serious it had all become, but also at how weak he had become over something as simple and absurd as whiskey.

 

“And now you know my secrets, KR-0117.” Hux grumbled. “Was it worth...” his thoughts escaped him. “...that?” He tried again. “Was it worth... the trouble?”

 

His voice had grown hoarse. He was still full of anger, but with no way to express himself because of his pathetic exhaustion and intoxication. One moment of clarity ran through the jumble of the rest of his ideas and sensations. Surely he had to kill her. Surely he couldn't let her live after what he had told her. It would be a simple matter... wouldn't it? He slipped and his knees almost fell upon the glass. Staggering back to his feet, he gripped a long shard from the floor into his fingers, ignoring the pain and the slippery warm cuts along his palm that came with it.

 

“Insolent girl.” He insulted her.

 

He raised the shard in his hand, but then his vision grew too blurred for him to throw it down on her accurately. He waved his arm helplessly. “I ought to...” he was forgetting his own plan. The shard was so smooth and slippery in his blood-stained fingers. “You need to...” the entirety of the room faded away as he gave in entirely to his drunken stupor.

 


	22. Chapter 22

She had angered him, she could see the flush rising to his cheeks as he glared back at her. She didn't know what it was, the sense of danger, perhaps but it was mildly intoxicating. Like a bruise that one's fingertips could not stop worrying, she felt drawn to push the boundaries of his restraint. But she'd promised to follow Ben's example, as much as she wanted to exact revenge upon him, to silence his unspoken threats against the Supreme Leader. As such, it was hard to make herself stop and instead, reassure him that she wasn't going to blabber away that she'd seen the General of the First Order having a drink or that he was in anything less than his usual pristine uniform... He might have been less infuriated if he knew the truth of the matter, there was no one to tell… She talked to no one.

 

The First Order did it's best to kill fraternization amongst its ranks and had been largely successful - taunting the bottom feeders with the promise of advancement if they were always ready to kick their fellow man in order to further themselves. It was horrible. How they could trust one another to fight at each other's side was somewhat beyond her. The method was not always a hundred percent successful, as she'd discovered, developing some kind of amicable attachment within the squadron. Even so, LK-2081 was hardly the gossiping sort and CS-9874 was likely to attempt to mop the floor with her again if she spoke so drastically out of turn about her idol. The others, wouldn't care... The only one who might, would be Ben and she had no intentions of keeping the details of their exchange a secret from him. Would he crack a smile at the thought of Hux so wildly beyond the realms of his comfort zone? She found herself wondering what that might look like...

 

Her pleasant thoughts had been diverted, intervening to save the General from having to respond to the unapologetically flirtatious woman. As much as she would have enjoyed the prospect of seeing him shamed, utterly humiliated as he had managed to do to her and Ben in front of the entire crew of The Ordinance, she'd reacted far too quickly, diverting the hand that would have likely begun with a light touch to his insignia and ended with something Rey had no desire to see. Working at The Ninth Life had opened her eyes to a great deal of perplexing behaviourisms of people motivated by things she was quite inclined to believe she'd never felt nor had a great deal of understanding about. For instance, she had no idea what could possess someone to drive their hands to the most sensitive parts of another complete stranger and think that it could yield any sort of positive results. In her opinion, it was the quickest way to get knocked flat on the floor, which exactly what she would have done if someone ever tried such a thing on her.

 

As soon as the woman had left and Lil had retreated, giving them far too much space for her comfort, she'd directed her gaze back to Hux.

 

_ ‘I'm... Grateful. that even without a uniform you have no desire to watch me be molested. It seems that you, your uh... your manager and I, are the only three in this establishment with any sense of common decency or propriety whatsoever.’ _

 

She was torn, equal parts amused and irritated. In spite of herself she found herself smiling, if only faintly. It was an expression she quickly wiped away, crossing her arms over her chest and gave him a look that clearly showed that she was less than impressed. Were it not for his success in embarrassing their Supreme Leader and her entire squadron, she never would have gotten into that fight with CS-9874. Or at least not for a while longer, something about it had indeed felt a little inevitable. Yet, the General had found a weak spot in the squadron and had pressed it until CS-9874 had little choice but to act on what strange concept of honor that the First Order had bestowed upon its soldiers. Without realizing, she'd lifted her fingertips to the bruised flesh on her cheek - though well hidden under layers of the Twi'lek's makeup, it was still tender to the touch.

 

"Grateful for someone for whom watching others being humiliated isn't a source of entertainment? That seems a touch ironic, doesn't it?" She couldn't help herself, the words slipped out between her teeth before she could halt the words, smarting with the sting of aggression. There she was, doing exactly the opposite of what she'd assured herself she'd known better than to do - playing with fire. It was almost a challenge to herself - see how far she could go before she was forced to retract her fingers, feeling the heat of the proverbial flame. She'd taken to rinsing out a glass that had been shoved across the counter at her as the General indulged himself further in his drink. For a man so usually well composed, she couldn't help but note that he was hitting the bottle rather hard. She hoped he had the credits for it - Lil paid her 'importers' well for top-shelf alcohol.

 

_ ‘Very well, KR-0117. I shall tell you a secret of mine if I must. Consider it my additional payment for your intervention against the likes of that crude succubus.’ _

 

She tilted her head, eyebrows raising. Truthfully, she hadn't expected him to respond to the bait. It hadn't been intended to bait him, she realized. It had been meant to signal a roundabout refusal. She had no desire to learn more about the First Order's red haired General. His secrets, she was quite ready to believe would be awful. She could imagine him bragging about the scores of villages he had razed. She found herself wondering if he had done any of his dirty work himself or if he had been inserted into the ranks at such a height that he'd always been able to delegate the burdensome wet work of conquering to others. How much of the blood spilled did he actually have the guts to wear on his own hands? Even she'd had to dirt her own hands since leaving Jakku.

 

_ ‘There is not much that I can tell you which you haven't already assumed or known.’ _

 

Just where was this going? He had her attention, though what he could possibly imagine he knew about her mental processes, she hadn't the faintest notion. Did he think her like the others, that she was thirsty for advancement in a hulking machine of war? That she wanted to have a swathe of color on her armor, as if that could possibly give her any sort of satisfaction? She supposed she couldn't be too indignant at the possibility. She was simply KR-0117 in his eyes. Her soul was supposed to be as empty as the rest of them. A vessel to fill with orders and nothing more.

 

_ ‘You have potential. I've seen potential. Potential is nothing without patience. My best advice...My secret is... patience.’ _

 

Her skin crawled - somehow having the General's opinion that she had potential was disconcerting. If someone like him saw anything remotely promising must surely mean that she was dangerously close to collapsing into the darkness... The prospect frightened her. Had she changed a great deal more than she had expected? Or was he simply plying her with what may be as close to flattery as he was capable? She wasn't sure what was worse. He turned his words towards advice. Hardly a secret. Yet she continued to listen.

 

_ ‘All my life I've been waiting.’ _

 

Her gaze dropped to the floor, not wanting to hear any more. She did not want to find a core of commonality, that they were in any way similar. She did not want to consider the possibility that there was more to him than the harsh exterior he presented to the world. It was much easier to loathe him if he was simply a monster... Her gut twisted at the thought - how prepared she was to write people off. She'd written Kylo Ren off as a monster when first they'd met, he'd been taken aback at how her instincts had been to kill him. Much, she suspected, as Hux would be if he, too, was capable of reading her thoughts as Ben was. No! She gritted her teeth. Hux and Ben were nothing alike...

 

_ ‘You have waited too. If you watch... if you wait, then you will be the first to notice just what will happen when the ground shifts, when empires fall and new orders are born.’ _

 

She hated how easily read she was - as if looking away had divulged any part of her own history to him. His speech had slowed, only marginally. The drink was no doubt having an effect on him by now. His words were unsettling, painting a mental image for her of the man waiting as a dark shadow, a carrion bird preparing to swoop in at any moment. There was danger in a brash man's actions but it was a different kind of damage that a patient man could do... Those willing to play the long game were seldom appeased at a mere outburst of violence.

 

_ ‘Have no connections. Have not a care for anyone in the galaxy.’ _

 

She shook her head softly, her expression changing to one more akin to melancholy. His advice was to set herself apart? To be alone? She'd done that, already. Isolation was awful, the loneliness felt as though it had been drawing the life right out of the marrow in her bones. She had felt stronger when she was part of something bigger than herself. Even if it had begun with defending the orange and white spherical droid and grown into something... She thought of the crimson guards and her escape... All of it would have been impossible if she and Ben had not worked together. It was if he could read her thoughts, his words turning towards the subject of her brief preoccupation.

 

_ ‘This is the problem of our Supreme Leader.’ _

 

Hux had continued, clenching his teeth - betraying a fragment of his frustration towards Ben. She shifted her weight, bristling at the sound of his distaste in his grog-leaden voice.

 

"Or, perhaps you've yet to make the right kind of connection." She bit back, feeling her hostility rising. So, he felt that the Supreme Leader was weak... By proxy, he was speaking down about her as well, though he couldn't know it. He was playing his hand far from his chest - his treasonous intent was hard to miss. She thought back to his metaphor, her chin tilting upwards with all the impetuosity of a child.

 

"Patience leaves far too much to chance. Why wait for the chance of the ground to shift if you can break it yourself?" Her eyes sparking with a dangerous glint. Was it her pull towards violence or a by-product of the connection with Ben and his volatile temper? How easy it would be to write off the flaws of her own person on something she had no control over... Tempting, though it was, she knew she had no right to cast blame upon him. This vehement protective side was something that she'd been born with.

 

She was about to stride away, confident that if she left the conversation, she would not give into the temptations that made her fingers twitch. That is until she nearly stepped bodily straight into Lil who had apparently been observing them. There was a small smile on her lips as she cast an amused glance at the red haired man that had occupied her young employee the moment he'd stepped foot into the bar. The fact that she had displayed rather territorially that he was off limits to the predatory women in the bar had not gone unnoticed, nor the fact that she'd scarcely been able to keep her hazel eyes off of him... To the point of missing orders from the other patrons.

 

"Go on..." She prompted, scooting her back until she had positioned Rey right in front of Hux once more. Rey lifted her hands in protest, brow furrowing in confusion.

 

"Take him to the back, darling - you're not much use out here." She leaned heavily against the counter, sliding her violet gaze slowly over the man. Whatever the human saw in him was a bit of a mystery to her, she had to admit - but it was no business of hers. The heart... Or the body... Wants what it will.

 

"N-no, you do-" Rey flushed scarlet, shaking her head. Lil had completely misinterpreted... She felt panicked.

 

"You're on break. For the rest of the night. And you..." She turned to face Hux directly, her voice changing as she addressed him. "Hurt her and you'll know what it's like to be deprived of the privilege of two functioning legs." She scooped another bottle from below the bartop, pressing it into Rey's hand at the same time lifting the panel beside her that opened a walkway back into the patron's side of the bar. Rey balked at the hand guiding her through, mildly terrified at the distance or lack thereof between her and the General. She had no desire to take him anywhere, much less the closest thing she'd had to a room since she'd lived in the gutted AT-AT.

 

~ 

 

_ ‘Or, perhaps you've yet to make the right kind of connection.’ _

 

Interesting. So she believed in personal connections despite the treacherous nature of the order that had allowed Hux to climb its ladder while simultaneously throwing down his obstacles and his empathy. Hux was certain that the majority of troops would not even begin to question his word. He realised that for her to respond so roughly she surely still ardently believed in such fairytales as love and trust. Child. Did she seriously believe that she made the right connection with anyone? With a pretty face like hers shared with a fiery spirit, Hux was sure that she had convinced herself that some empty-brained admirer or comrade had some feeling for her. Perhaps that was why she seemed to think of herself as an individual. As someone important.

 

_ ‘Patience leaves far too much to chance.’ _ She continued,  _ ‘Why wait for the chance of the ground to shift if you can break it yourself?’ _

 

Hux knew that she ought to have angered him with such a reply, but he found himself caught between the heat of his rage and the light of his admiration and growing fascination. She was brave. Braver than even he was, yet she had only confirmed to him that she was a child, and an unruly child at that. She turned and marched away only a couple of steps before she was stopped. The Twilek manager was watching them, and the girl had almost walked straight into her. There was a twinkle in the Twilek’s eye as she whispered something to her before pushing her back towards Hux.

 

_ ‘Take him to the back, darling’  _ Hux heard the manager say,  _ ‘you're not much use out here.’ _

 

_ ‘N-no, you do-’  _ KR-0117 stammered, her face was fast turning scarlet.

 

Hux only then realised exactly what was happening. Or at least, he thought he did. His clarity was fast disappearing due to the drink. Hux noticed the Twilek fixed him with a dangerous stare.

 

_ ‘Hurt her and you'll know what it's like to be deprived of the privilege of two functioning legs.’ _

 

Hux was sorely tempted to teach that manager a lesson after a comment like that, but they were already being ushered into the patron’s side of the bar and his limbs were heavier with each minute. Hux was sure to bring what was left of his bottle, but was also relieved to see the girl carrying another one, just in case.

 

It was far more intimate in the room. There was quiet, a smaller space. This was something that neither of them wanted, Hux was sure of that much. While he wanted to know more of her, this wasn't exactly what he had in mind. To ease himself, he found he was taking more large gulps of whiskey in the difficult silence that followed. He dared to look back at KR-0117. She had a look of what he assumed was judgement. Ah, of course. She was judging his excessive drinking. It couldn't be helped under the circumstances, but Hux thought he would at least address the matter.

 

“I know it’s a vile business.” He acknowledged with a sigh, gesturing to his bottle. He swallowed down the remnants of the burning in his throat from the drink and desperately tried to remove from his mind the embarrassment of this situation. “This is a night unlike any other in the past decade,” Hux admitted. “I’ve made sure in the past to deprive myself of alcohol... despite my love of it.” He wished that he could remove those images of his father’s rows and clusters of sticky empty bottles from his mind. No, he would not think like this. The drink would ironically help him to forget such things, or so he hoped. “I am... I am well aware of what it does.” Hux assured grimly.

 

He took another drink. The world had begun to swim. He nevertheless remained as straight and stiff as a board. She watched him. The defiance mixed with something nearing disgust had not left her look. Hux wouldn't let it stand. Not without speaking his damn mind. He was aware that the drink was taking control. He didn't care.

 

“You are wrong if you believe that anyone cares a jot about you.” Hux spat, unable to hold it back longer after what she had said earlier.

 

How dare she. How dare she believe that she could be cared for. How dare she challenge him. Hux’s temper was fast-rising like the swarming waters of a flood. He was sure that she had already begun to protest, but he wouldn't hear a word.

 

“Connections don't strengthen your abilities.” He cut in as sharply as a blade, silencing her once more.

 

Her short and stunned silence was a small and unsatisfactory pleasure in the midst of this increasingly horrendous evening. He took another drink. He was growing more numb every second. He was grateful for that. He couldn't stop there. He simply needed to show her the reality.

 

“Sentiment will destroy you.” Hux declared in solemn, hardened words, the words took more effort to pronounce and so he increased each syllable until it became harsh and uncompromising to the ear. Once he had started, he had to carry on. “Sentiment is chasing what’s not possible and can't be caught. It is a sickness...” Hux himself grew sick even at the concept. Was the drink making him nauseous? Once more, he didn't care. It was a release he had desperately needed for many months, even years. “it is purely a disease.” Hux concluded, he was sure that his revulsion was evident with every breath he took.

 

His drink would soon be finished. Still, the girl had another bottle. He reached out for it, but she moved away. Depriving him of his right, acting as his equal rather than his soldier. His anger boiled in his blood with every pound of his heart. He remembered the warning of the Twilek manager. As if she had the right to even dare to threaten him like that! He was the General of the First Order! Nevertheless, he resisted the temptation to wrestle that bottle off her and beat her in the process. His arms still shook. He saw his reflection in a hanging mirror. He couldn't help it. No matter what he did, he couldn't forget. The hair... the reddened cheeks and sharp eyes... He was reminded. Reminded of…

 

“When you hear fate coming closer, sentiment won't save you.” Hux mumbled, avoiding both the reflection of his icy eyes and the fire in KR-0117’s.

 

“You can hide,” Hux began, and he was transported to hiding himself away under tables, in cupboards, wherever he could scramble away to in time. It would never work. He would always, always be found, and be even further punished for his ridiculous cowardice. “You can run,” he continued, remembering how he could hardly feel his feet on the ground because of how fast he had tried to move. “You can plead on your knees...” he didn't dare to even think of those moments at all. “but all the bruises... the sores, the beatings and the blood... it will never hurt you, never haunt you as much as the mere weakness of sentiment.”

 

It was true. It didn't matter how often he would bleed. What mattered was when he asked himself why. What mattered was that it was Brendol Hux, his father, who did it. He could feel the weight of her look. His sentences had become a map of roads, each connecting and elongating in awfully chaotic and uncontrollable directions. He thought she might be shocked. He was shocked himself. Yet it was somehow too satisfying to resist, so he continued, fuelled further by his frustration from the naivety of the girl.

 

“Break the ground yourself, you say!” Hux could have laughed aloud when he applied her fierce and optimistic sentiments to his experiences and memories that he had become lost in, as though he had fallen down a black hole. “Don't you see?!” He snapped at her, dangerously close to a hysterical state, made possible by his drink, “Intervention was never an option! You can't fight this. Not when...” he was there again. Back in the body of a toddler. He couldn't remove it from what he said aloud until it was too late. “Not when... you can hear him coming closer. When you're not more than four years old... A baton, or a crowbar, or a bottle of whiskey... swinging... in his hand. On a night like this...”

 

She was stunned, he was sure. He chuckled dryly. This was what she had wanted, wasn't it? For him to spill his secrets. He was only fulfilling her wish. His hand clenched the empty bottle, grip tightening on the smooth object.

 

“Do you...” he breathed, trying to keep his senses together. It was difficult. “do you really think that fighting was ever an option?” He finally met her eyes with his once more and he glared at her. “You... you honestly believe that there ever was or will be any choice except to wait?! to bear it out?!”

 

Her mouth opened to reply but even if she did, Hux could hear nothing except his own heavy breaths.

 

“You child!” He scolded her. “You think that I didn't try?! That I wasn't once like you?! That I didn't think about ending the torture every single miserable minute... of every single miserable day? That I still don't think about what it would take to ascend to the to the damn throne?!”

 

He might as well just confess it aloud. He had just as far with everything else. He was exhausted, so tired of simply hiding what was already obvious. Why was it all coming out now? Was it all the drink? Or was it something about her presence, something about the way she behaved that he could not remember ever encountering before in his life. She had stared for a moment at his previous declaration, but seemed to hide herself quickly soon after. Hux was losing his grip. His head pounded and he was close to losing his footing. She couldn't... she wouldn't... repeat his words? Not that anyone would believe her, he hoped...

 

His temper was already on the surface, but somehow her refusing to look back at him after her brief moment of what Hux presumed was bewilderment frustrated him further. It was as if she thought herself not even his equal, but better, somehow. His anger was complicated by the fact that Hux had little to no energy left. He leant from side to side like a tall pole.

 

“Look at me!” He snarled at her, desperate to simply gain back his dominance, his confidence, after the humiliation of what he had told her. He had to show her... he was better than this. He was what she knew him to be and nothing less. She should be afraid, she should be terrified of him. “I am ...better than my father ever was.” Hux slurred. “I am General... Armitage Hux. Sentiment has done nothing... nothing except to hurt me.”

 

The world had grown blurry. The sick feeling lifted from his stomach to his chest to his throat. Hux’s grip on the bottle cracked it completely. In a second he had no capability to register, he had shattered the glass. It had littered over his boots, like tiny pieces of glittering mirror. Tiny, thin, transparent knives. Hux stumbled backwards, shaking the shards off his boots and trousers as best he could. There was a silence. Was she afraid? He couldn't think clearly. He scoffed at how serious it had all become, but also at how weak he had become over something as simple and absurd as whiskey.

 

“And now you know my secrets, KR-0117.” Hux grumbled. “Was it worth...” his thoughts escaped him. “...that?” He tried again. “Was it worth... the trouble?”

 

His voice had grown hoarse. He was still full of anger, but with no way to express himself because of his pathetic exhaustion and intoxication. One moment of clarity ran through the jumble of the rest of his ideas and sensations. Surely he had to kill her. Surely he couldn't let her live after what he had told her. It would be a simple matter... wouldn't it? He slipped and his knees almost fell upon the glass. Staggering back to his feet, he gripped a long shard from the floor into his fingers, ignoring the pain and the slippery warm cuts along his palm that came with it.

 

“Insolent girl.” He insulted her.

 

He raised the shard in his hand, but then his vision grew too blurred for him to throw it down on her accurately. He waved his arm helplessly. “I ought to...” he was forgetting his own plan. The shard was so smooth and slippery in his blood-stained fingers. “You need to...” the entirety of the room faded away as he gave in entirely to his drunken stupor.

 


	23. Chapter 23

Hux’s first thoughts were of danger and panic. He couldn't remember where he was and how he had got there, which was a position he had not been in for many years. He sat up, ignoring how heavy his head felt. He had used his hands to push himself to a sitting position and he registered a faint yet resonating sting along his palm. It was bandaged. He was lying on a bed. If he were being kept somewhere by an enemy, he was sure that his wounds would not be tended to, nor would he be given this comfort in what appeared to be a near-domestic setting. His mouth was dry as a continuously distracting ache pierced his skull. What was the last thing that he could remember? Where was he? He brought himself to his unsteady feet, looking around at the unfamiliar objects and doorways.

 

The bar. He could clearly remember the bar. The damn woman who had flirted with him and humiliated him. Then there was KR-0117. What had he told her? What had she told him? He cursed himself. Why had he allowed himself to drink so much? Now he had no idea of the specifics of the exchange, nor how he had received his wounds. He only remembered that he had gone so far as to tell her secrets. Real secrets. His deeply embedded truth. What had possessed him to do so? And what had he gained in return? Merely that she had a relationship somehow with the manager of the establishment and that she could mix drinks. He was still baffled as to how or why.

 

Holding a hand to his head, he staggered from the room out to what he recognised was the bar, where the Twilek manager was still standing and cleaning glasses. Her violet eyes narrowed as soon as she saw him. Of course. Hux was beginning to recall that she had threatened him. That she cared somehow for KR-0117. How?

 

The bar was a direct contrast to the blur that Hux could remember. It empty, and a weak natural light filtered in from the door. Despite Hux clarifying from the brightness that it was surely only dawn, the light was still invasive for him and he blinked like a creature first witnessing a star above the ground of a planet.

 

“I hope you've had a damn good beauty sleep.” The Twilek addressed him mockingly, even cuttingly, “because if you don't get out of my bar right now then things are going to get very ugly very fast.”

 

Hux could have laughed at her. He could have picked a fight, but the thumping of his head combined with the sickness he felt stopped him from doing so. Still, he was determined. Determined to at least know more after he had been through so much trouble.

 

“How did she start working here?” Hux wondered aloud.

 

“I'm not so inclined to tell you.” She answered curtly. “Especially after the way you treated her last night. A girl like Yera, sticking her neck out to defend the likes of you.” There was disbelief and disgust in her tone. “You're lucky she did, I hope you know.” She added coolly. “You were an inch away from never being able to use those legs of yours again.”

 

A girl like Yera...

 

She had a name?! She had actually given herself... a name?! Was it a name merely for undercover work? Why was the Twilek so protective of her?

 

“How long have you known Yera?” Hux questioned lowly.

 

“No more questions from you.” The manager swiftly retorted. “I don't know who you are or what you want from her but I'm not about to go around divulging the personal information of my employees to customers. Especially ungallant and ill-bred half-wits who break my bottles and threaten my workers.”

 

Hux scoffed. He turned on his heel. He hadn't the energy to engage in this despite his anger building at her insults. Still, he called over his shoulder what had lingered behind his tongue.

 

“I sincerely hope you enjoy harbouring your profanities and harlots in this hole you call a bar.” He spat. “It won't last forever, I can promise you that much.”

 

Even with his back turned, he could sense her readying for a fight.

 

“Get. Out.” she threatened through ground teeth, “you conceited, self-important, supercilious little snitch!”

 

Hux was already at the door. Her name calling had gone through one of his ears and out of the other.

 

“Gladly!” He exclaimed with all the final hostility that he could be bothered to muster, before falling into the entirety of the light of day, slamming the door on his way out.

 

It was a relief to be alone again. He could finally gather together what he thought he knew as he made the slow way back to the spacecraft. He was stopped some meters away by the beeping of his communicator.

 

The recording of a message. From none other than KR-0117, as it turned out. The mission was apparently a success. Where had she gone? What had she found? That girl was a mystery too hard to solve with the extent of Hux’s hangover. He needed time... time to think. No such luck. An incoming communication, from Ren, no less. Perfect. He was the last person in the galaxy that Hux could ever wish to talk to. Still, it wasn't like he had much choice. He answered the call.

 

“Yes Supreme Leader.” He addressed numbly.

 

“Just want to congratulate you on your success.” Ren’s low tones responded from many stars away. “I've just received word that the Jedi texts have been found on Jira. You should return. You're needed back here.”

 

Hux had become accustomed to even the slightest hints and shifts in the way that Ren spoke. There was an anxiety in the last statements. He wanted, even needed Hux back on the Ordinance again. Why? It made no sense. What was he missing? Even without his headache he was sure his head would ache purely from receiving no answers to impossible questions.

 

“Yes Sir.” Hux agreed cautiously. “As you wish.”

 

“...Excellent.” The Supreme Leader replied, as if there was something further that he wanted to say or ask. “We will meet soon.”

 

~

 

Ben couldn't stand it anymore. He would have called up Hux even before he was given the excuse in the form of a message from one of the officers. The mission was a success, he was told, which had made his heart speed until he realised exactly what Rey had planned. Always so clever. She didn't want him to be shamed again by ordering an inevitably pointless mission from the view of the order. Those Jedi texts belonged to her as they had once belonged to Luke, and she was sacrificing them for the sake of keeping the order unsuspicious. Clever, clever Rey.

 

A pressure made its way from his chest to his throat as he called up Hux. How would he know if the General had learned anything concerning Rey during the course of the mission? He listened carefully to Hux’s voice but he couldn't detect anything apart from a slight surprise that Ben had called, perhaps, combined with a kind of grogginess that was unlike him. He wanted to ask questions in some way, in some form, but he resisted. It was better to keep things short.

 

Besides, Ben would know the truth of what had passed all too soon, yet it didn't change how the agony of the wait slowly increased with every passing moment. He had been listening consistently to the force, hoping that he would sense Rey within the stitches of its vast fabric, but he could follow nothing. Nothing but the silence he was far too accustomed to. At least she would be back soon, if that was even a comfort, given the circumstances. Yet she would not be in the hands of the General, and that thought alone was enough to give Ben hope.

 

~

 

The others joined Rey after her communication went out. She'd been left standing alone for quite some time before they had emerged from whatever lodgings they'd found. They assembled near the entrance to town. A neat little line of white armored soldiers like vicious white teeth set in a predator's snarl. Perfect order - a unit of multiple bodies but one empty mind to fill with orders. A blank template, as blank as those who came before her and those who would surely come after. Meaningless and insignificant... She was losing it. Her grasp on her reality felt unsure, tenuous. She felt sick with misery - knowing that not all of it was her own but she couldn't seem to shake it off - like ancient spider webs clinging to her, binding her.

 

KR-0117 stood with them, eyes going slightly unfocused, blurry with the need to blink as she stared straight ahead. Her thoughts were quiet, arms wrapped loosely around the bundle of books. Behind her mask, her expression was blank. She didn't know what to expect after last night's events. Numbness had settled over her, a defensive mechanism that offered it's treacherous protection. It dampened her instincts, making her uncertain that, if the General emerged from the Ninth Life with the intent of finishing what he'd been about to start last night, she had much of a fight left in her. It was the thought of Ben that made her pull in a deep reflexive breath, pushing it back out her nose in a heavy sigh. If it came to it, she told herself, she'd dig deep and find a way. She would return to him. Because right now, it surprised her to admit, she needed him. Still pained by the burs of Hux's words, she couldn't bring herself to acknowledge that she sought him - sought Ben... For comfort, of all things... What was happening to her that the likes of one who been Kylo Ren could possibly soothe her?

 

She should have tried to sleep, she supposed. She felt only exhaustion now, it preyed on her, infecting her with an unsettling apathy. The others mumbled something about congratulations. She responded only with small nods of thanks. She had some sort of story concocted but they didn't ask for details. They may have asked if she'd sent word back to The Ordinance. She thought she must have shook her head mutely. She hadn't. Hadn't occurred to her. One of them unpacked the communicator with the power to reach back to the cruiser. Ground troopers didn't merit the perks of rank with better quality transmitters in their suits that commanding officers had. She didn't pay attention to their words, listening only for the sound of Ben's voice but it was not to be heard. The communication was silenced and her gaze dropped, kicking idly at a loose rock in the sandy soil beneath her boots.

 

The thought of the long walk back to their transport ship made her soul wilt. She had no desire to set the pace she had when they'd first landed, didn't think she could even if she had to, quite frankly. But neither did she wish to linger amongst the others. She snorted softly at the irony - for once, it seemed that the only thing she wanted, was to be alone. She lifted her gaze, visor tilting towards the horizon - again she felt the temptation to flee. To run away and never come back. Suddenly, Luke's exile on Ach-To made sense to her. For entirely different reasons, but, nevertheless, she felt the call of the ocean... Of her island.

 

"Where d'y'reckon the General is? The man's always up at the crack of dawn. Could set your bloody watch to him..." One of the pilots muttered, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. The longer they stood, the hotter it was becoming, even with their suits to regulate the temperature. It wouldn't be long til the heat made the air above the surfaces of their armor shimmer. Around them, the town was coming to life. The locals pouring out of their homes to populate the township in the bustle of their routines.

 

"Dunno.. Maybe he got a bit of..." One of them made a crude gesture and Rey found herself rolling her eyes. Absolutely one hundred percent incorrect but she wasn't about to interject herself into that particular conversation. She did not want to place herself as having any sort of association with the man she'd left passed out on her old bed.

 

"Shut up about that, will ya?" The other co-pilot said, sounding scandalized, knocking her helmet against his, shoving him with her elbow in a decidedly familiar way. They laughed together. Rey was reminded of her earlier thoughts of how the First Order forbade fraternization but their interactions made her think that it was less and less successful than she'd already estimated. Maybe souls couldn't be completely crushed as she'd been preparing herself to believe. The other trooper who'd made his way into the Bawdy Bantha chuckled, no doubt about to launch into the crude details of his own night's adventures but the General had rounded the corner. The sight of him silenced them all, suddenly the rigid tension had returned to the small squad.

 

Shifting the texts to rest on the ridge of her hip armor, she lifted her freed hand with the others in a salute - each of them hailing Hux in unison. There weren't enough troopers on this away mission to form two lines, unfortunately. No one else to hide behind. They snapped to their ready stance, alert. She didn't want to stand there with them, didn't want to feel his gaze upon her. Her feet were itching to move. She could run fairly well in the sand, had enough years of practice that they did not. She could probably be well out of their reach within the hour...

 

She didn't want to look at him - did not want to see the murderous intent written there so plainly. She didn't want to hear his voice -the secrets he'd unveiled to her had slipped in under her skin. Twisting the way she'd seen the world until she no longer felt comfortable in it. Everything she thought she'd known felt as though it were smothered under shadows and bathed in doubt. She didn't want to admit it, but he'd hurt her. Insidious words cutting deeply. Nor did she want to acknowledge that strands of sympathy for him that had twisted around and around in her chest. As if she could somehow put aside what she'd learned, as if she could ignore his past - strip him of his humanity, she could make herself harder. Stronger. Maybe it was her that needed her humanity pried away - once freed of her gently pounding heart, at least it would not be quite so painful, yes? Perhaps he had been right - she was a child. Naïve and pathetic - untested and untried. Blind to the realities that existed outside of her small sphere of knowledge. So fragile that someone like him could come along and shake the foundations on which she stood. Regret plagued her, haunting her with a thousand other scenarios that could have been her reality now if she had never left Jakku...

 

"Sir, we've received orders from The Ordinance to make our way to our ship and return to The Ordinance post-haste, sir!" She was grateful the pilot spoke for them. It meant she wouldn't have to say a damned thing. They turned as a singular unit, orders coming from The Ordinance did not need confirmation from the General. That much, Rey was grateful for. She clutched the Jedi texts to her chest as they began to make their way out of the town as if they might provide her some sort of relief. But there was none to be had. She was so lost in the tides of despondency that she had not realized she'd begun to lag behind as if the weight of her thoughts were dragging down her shoulders and making her boots heavier and heavier with each step.

 

So long as she held those texts in her arms, Hux knew it was her. To say he was glad to be rid of the town was an understatement. He had half a mind to torch it to the ground. Still, he was no longer in the Ninth Life and that was enough. He was back where should be, being who he should be, doing what he should do; commanding his troops, at the top of the ladder once more where KR-0117 or Yera, or whatever she thought her name was would be at the bottom. This remained a delicate matter, and while he was sure that she wouldn't discuss the extents of what he had revealed to her, he was still tempted to put an end to the matter even outside of his drunken instincts and kill the girl.

 

Something still held him back. It would look odd for him to kill the discoverer of the texts, but he knew that reason was only an excuse. He was trying to find reasons and excuses not to kill her simply because he had never felt what he had felt in the last night for many years, and as much as he tried to deny it, he had liked it. He had enjoyed sharing that pain. He had enjoyed sharing himself with another. For so long he had been alone entirely, exactly as he had intended. He hadn't told another soul of what had gone through his mind in his childhood. It was a pleasure he had denied himself because he was convinced that he did not need it. That was a lie. He needed it more than ever.

 

What a fool she must believe him to be. He shouldn't care, he told himself. He still did care. He couldn't pull his gaze away from her, even as they boarded once more, yet he was determined not to sit with her on the way back. He should separate himself from her completely...

 

He didn't want to. He wanted to see her face again. Beauty was so rare in the order. Her features had stolen away into what was left of a soul inside of him. She was different. He should have despised that difference. He did not despise it. He admired it.

 

He barely registered the lift off, but was immensely glad to know that the heat and the embarrassment of a life that he had briefly lived there would be a thing of the past, just another distant star in the sky. He wasn't exactly thrilled to return to being under Ren’s command, but at least he would be closest to what he could call a home, surrounded by his allies. He could resume his plans, make new ones, slowly pull together a plot. Patience, he told himself. Always patience.

 

They flowed through lightspeed running through the funnel of space in a familiar stream.

 

What to do about KR-0117? She was taking up too much of his thoughts. She was both a liability and a comfort. A promise hanging in the air. He had to keep a watch on her. He simply had to learn more. Her hazel eyes were more intelligent than he had seen in any of the other troops. Yet it was the spark of life in her, and peculiarly, her disobedience that his mind fixated on. He tried to convince himself he was fixated on it because it was dangerous, but this was not true. He could not pull himself away from what he remembered of her because it was refreshing. Had it... changed something?

 

That was ridiculous, he told himself. It changed nothing. The journey seemed to take a shorter time than it had to get them there. Perhaps it was because of his clustered thoughts. He would be most grateful when the ache in his mind died down.

 

Taking a deep breath, he massaged the lids of his eyes as they drew into The Ordinance once more. Hux still felt a level of sickness from the previous night as he cautiously unbuckled himself from the seat and stood up, trying to hide from the troops that he was unbalanced.

 

The door lifted open and he stepped unsteadily down the stairs and into the blinding white lights that hardly did his headache any favours. The troops quickly followed. Hux was far too occupied with his aching sensations to notice the tall, black shape standing before him immediately. He cursed himself, knowing that such behaviour was clearly out of his character, and that Ren would notice something like that. The Supreme Leader stood before him. There was sentiment in his eyes, something as anxious as what Hux had picked up in his voice from earlier. Was he anxious about his mother? They were another step closer to finding her...

 

The troops gave a salute. Reluctantly and tiredly, Hux mirrored them when he faced Ren. He had forgotten to put his gloves and even his coat back on now that they had arrived. He had forgotten what had once seemed his primary concerns. He was slipping. His bandaged palm caught Ren’s eyes and his brow furrowed.

 

“What happened to you?” He questioned.

 

Hux knew a part of him was genuinely curious, yet he was sure Ren was hiding a small pleasure at seeing him so disorientated for a reason that he hopefully wouldn't ever discover.

 

“Nothing that should concern you.” Hux answered with a touch of sarcasm. Both of them knew that Ren had not asked him for reasons of being concerned for his well-being.

 

The Supreme Leader’s deep and glassy eyes scanned over the waiting troops. Hux turned to follow his look and saw that he was watching KR-0117 and the books she held. The Jedi texts. Of course the likes of Ren would have interests in such a matter. Hux personally felt that they ought to just destroy them.

 

How had KR-0117 found them? The two of them both seemed to be considering that question as they both watched her. Hux felt a strange discomfort at how intensely Ren watched her.

 

Hux was about to request that he discuss the unanswered question with her, but Ren was already walking towards her. He reached out and she gave him the texts as he had wordlessly seemed to request.

 

“I want a detailed report on how you found these.” Ren announced to her and Hux cursed silently as Ren had beat him to it. The Supreme Leader turned back to Hux, his intensity somehow taking on another meaning in seconds. “We will talk further.” Ren promised. “After my discussion with KR-0117.”

 

Hux was relieved to have a moment at least to settle in once more without Ren at the forefront of his mind. Still, he didn't like how the Supreme Leader seemed to pick out KR-0117 so eagerly, even if she had found the texts. Something about it was disconcerting. Still, he could hardly stop the exchange as he watched Ren lead her away.


	24. Chapter 24

 

Rey was aware that the texts marked her. But she couldn't bear the idea of handing them off to one of the others to carry. They had a weight of importance about them, she couldn't trust them to the hands of those who had no concept for how valuable they were... To someone, somewhere. Certainly not to her. Not anymore. Jira had changed a great deal of things, leaving her deprived of her usual assuredness. Aside from sentimentality and Leia's hopes in her to learn from them... Her failure to decipher them, the fact that Luke had done next to nothing to impart their wisdom to her measured their precise value to her at the moment on how much warmth they could provide if she were to find herself stranded here in the night time and she had to set them alight. No. She would give them to Ben. If they could make him stronger, so much the better. There was a chance, however, that he would not want to see them. The thought struck her hard - how presumptuous of her...

 

After what she had learned transpired between Luke and Ben... She felt irritation at herself. How insensitive. Ben had clearly and very purposefully separated himself from that part of his life. Marvelously done, she scolded herself. It was much easier to wallow in the negativity, ignoring the much softer voice of reason that pleaded with her to have a more gentle hand - her options had been limited... The other things she intended to give Ben would not do so well to be publicized. And this... Well, should they be ordered to destruction, she supposed it might not matter.

 

She trudged along, not until one of the pilots fell in beside her and began to quiz her in hushed whispers about her evening had she finally made herself pick up the pace - knowing the proximity to Hux would silence the flow of questions. She didn't want to speak, not trusting her voice to remain steady. She didn't need whatever smidgeon of protection the temporary admiration of a few stormtroopers she might have garnered from winning a fight to disappear when they discovered that the strength she wore was a sham and she was simply a hundred different shattered pieces shoved into a suit like the rest of them... And rumors, as she knew, could move pretty swiftly in such contained environments such as The Ordinance.

 

She gritted her teeth, sucking in a deep breath - trying to calm herself. She was determined not to cry. Nothing, she told herself, you're nothing... If she didn't exist, she couldn't feel anything at all. So when their transport ship came into view, she deprived herself of even the relief of seeing it could have offered her. She boarded, her movements were precise, nearly mechanical as she shoved her bag and the texts into the overhead compartment. She could feel eyes upon her. She wanted to tell herself that it had only been the trooper from before but as she sat down, mistakenly casting a glance around herself that the General was staring at her.

 

Hastily, she looked down, located the straps of her harness and roping herself in. He at least had chosen not to sit next to her... How much did he remember? What would he do now? What would she do? Unlike him, she hadn't alcohol to muddle her thoughts. He had spoken in an unavoidably treasonous fashion. He was a danger. One that she would have to warn Ben about, somehow. She knew Ben had let him live this long... For a moment, a twist in her gut made her think perhaps she might not want to suggest it... To kill Hux. She quickly squashed the sentiment that protested at the thought of it. Practicality and logic. Those were the things she must focus on. If Ben could not, she would.

 

She stared at a point on the wall just above his head, of course he had to be directly across from her... She swayed softly to the side as the ship gained altitude. Nothing.... She curled her fingers into fists as she settled them in her lap, closing her eyes. Nothing..... She refused to acknowledge her sorrow for leaving Lil, the misery of knowing that she was probably never going to see her again. She made herself blind to the knowledge that if she formed attachments again in the future, that they would likely end in the same way... Her mind turned, wondering if it would be the same with Finn and Leia. NOTHING! She screamed internally - realizing that she was slipping back into the mire of Armitage Hux's mind, his scathing words and poisonous philosophies. She had to be separated from that... Somehow…

 

She was so intent on trying to silence every thought that began to form shape in her mind that she had missed the jump the light speed. It wasn't until they were landed within the belly of The Ordinance and the trooper beside Hux had begun to unbuckle his harness that she snapped back to reality, knowing that she ought to do the same. She was standing, pulling her things out of the storage compartment - the other troopers brushing by her to get into formation as Hux was still getting to his feet. He looked like bantha poodoo and that was enough to make Rey smirk behind her helmet. She hoped he felt as miserable as she did. Worse, even. That would be even better. She shouldered her bag, waiting for him to move but his balance was off. Without thinking, she put her hand on the back of his arm to steady him.

 

Aghast, she quickly withdrew her hand, seizing the bundle of books out of the bulkhead and joined the others at the entrance. They saluted as Hux passed them, waited for him to take his time down the steps so that they could follow.

 

There was a small assembly of officers to greet them, but amongst their charcoal and ebon hued uniforms the one that stood out the most was the Supreme Leader himself. Her heart swelled at the sight of him, finding her resolve to feel nothing at all dissolve into dust. It took all of her self discipline not to shove the others out of the way and run to him. Instead, she forced herself into the even gait and fell into line with the others. She would have very much liked to have kept her eyes on him but it wouldn't do for her to gawk at him. Not even as he exchanged words with the General. It did not take long for the shadow of their rivalry to be cast, apparent in the sarcastic tone that Hux chose to respond with.

 

She tried not to move, knowing that Ben had turned towards them. She didn't have to. She could feel his approach, rather than see it with the angle of her visor so directly front and center. He stood before her, her hands raising to hand him the books without him having to so much as utter a word.

 

_ ‘I want a detailed report on how you found these.’ _

 

"Yes, sir!" She gave a curt nod, heels snapping together at attention as he addressed her.

It was an order she was more than happy to comply with, falling into line behind him as he turned to leave. She halted her steps just in time to avoid running into the back of him as he paused before Hux. She was grateful that he was a formidable barrier between the two of them because until she could resolve her inner conflict, she would not be able to trust herself.

 

_ ‘We will talk further. After my discussion with KR-0117.’ _

 

In spite of herself, she gave him a sidelong glance, visor tilting only barely as she passed by him. It did not help to quell any of her feelings on the matter, seeing him in a state less than his usual frigid perfectly presented façade. Fortunately, the pace she needed to adopt to keep up with Ben's purposeful strides was a hasty one. In no time, they were apart from the away team, away from the other officers and away from Hux.

 

She kept quiet, until Ben ushered her into a room. A sort of strategic conference room, she supposed. Though seriously far from the impressive grandeur of this room, she recognized its purpose from the few meetings she'd been asked to attend for the resistance. A circular surface, usually covered in maps... She drew closer, fingers smoothing over the surface and a holographic display came to life, she tried not to marvel but the tinkerer in her was amazed, immediately trying to guess the construction, the engineering and programming that would have been necessary to create this. She could have kept herself endlessly occupied with the map for years - how many planets could she learn about form this room alone? The thought was thrilling - there was so much... Potential in the First Order and its designs, technology... If they used these treasures to enrich the galaxy rather than to destroy it, how much better life could be for the people!

 

She shook her head - this of course was not the purpose he brought her here. Ben! Her heart quickened, she hastened to remove her helmet, setting it down in one of the empty chairs as she turned to face him. Her eyes brightened, she felt a smile beginning to curve her lips but she stopped herself, casting her glance around them quickly, looking for cameras or any sort of surveillance equipment, mentally scolding herself for not having thought of it sooner. Insolent child... She grit her teeth - pushing thoughts of Hux away, determined not to let this moment they could share together without arousing suspicion go to waste. It meant she would have to focus.... Concentrate.

 

"Supreme Leader..." She tilted her head to the side, catching his eye for a moment before looking around them somewhat pointedly as if to ask if they were safe to converse freely in here or if she had better do her best to remain professional.

 

~ 

 

Ben could hardly contain the storm of fears and hopes that swept within his insides. She was there, with him at least. She didn't seem to be harmed, not that he would really be able to tell under her armour, but the General did not make any mention of an incident during the time the trip had taken. Yet if there was no incident, what had happened to his hand? Why did he seem so... preoccupied? It should have comforted Ben to see him behave as any less than the quick-witted, tactical genius that he had come to be wary of, but instead it only confused him. He could only hope that Rey would help him find the answers and that she truly was unharmed both inside and out. Ben knew what it was like to be watched over by Hux. He hated himself for letting that snake command the very thing that was closest to him. It was far too risky a move.

 

For once, he had planned this one out somewhat. Some of the conference rooms didn't have cameras. If pieces of information shared in those rooms was compromised, it would be a big mistake. So long as it made sense for the two of them to go there in the first place, as the corridor would have recorded. When they had entered, Ben was sure to close the door behind them while Rey wandered forward into the room.

 

Ben found himself guessing what she was thinking. The tilt of her head suggested that she had not expected it to be so big, with such a high ceiling. She found the disk of the central round table and lit the holographic display, gazing at it soon afterwards. Ben found it charming. She took nothing for granted, but seemed to look at rooms he knew all too well with fresh and youthful eyes. As if she had just seen him materialise there, she slipped from her observations and removed her helmet, turning around to face him. A bold move, but one that Ben dearly appreciated. Was that a smile that was close to crossing her face? He had seen much of her anger, her loneliness, her flight and fight response, even her wit and sharp intelligence, but so rarely had their circumstances allowed her to smile. As if she had read that very thought, it fast disappeared as she scanned the room for what Ben could presume she thought would be cameras.

 

_ “Supreme Leader...” _

 

She caught his eyes with her own. It was quite obvious that she was asking if they were alone.

 

“Ben.” Ben corrected.

 

The title of Supreme Leader sounded wrong to him on her lips. She should not address him by such a name. The title wasn't him. It was his responsibility, his burden. Supreme Leader had always been Snoke’s name.

 

He took some steps closer to her, setting down the Jedi texts on the table, he took one lingering look at them. It had been so long since he had laid eyes on those texts. He had not been a patient child or teenager, and he had always been full of passion, much to the disappointment of Luke. He did not respect the past. If the past hadn't failed, he never would have been placed between the light and the dark and burdened with the mistakes of the Jedi for creating his grandfather and the mistakes of the Sith for allowing the Empire to fall. Everything that had led to his current difficulties, everything that had meant he resented his real name, his ancestry, his training and his destiny was because of the past and its teachings. Still, it couldn't be helped. There was still much to learn from the past, even with its many flaws, and, of course, there was the future to focus on. He turned back to Rey.

 

“We’re alone.” He assured her, although even that thought did little to calm his anxieties. “Nothing in this room can be recorded.”

 

He wanted to ask too much at once. Was she alright? What happened? Did she know how Hux had injured himself? Had she learned anything from the General about his possible plans? Force forbid it, had he done her any kind of harm? Ben couldn't see any signs of physical mistreatment excepting the wounds from her fight with CS9-874. Even they had faded. There was that familiar glow, as if her skin were lit by a lamp. Yet if Ben looked closer, if he delved deeper, he was sure that there was something in her emotions that was...discordant with what he knew. It worried him deeply.

 

He thought of when she had hugged him. He longed for that comfort again, though it was so peculiar the first time because it had been so long since he had ever been given that affection or had realised how much he wanted it. When she left, he had felt so detached. Aloof. Like nothing of consequence could ever happen to him. It would only happen to her.

 

If he tried it... if he held her, or hugged her, would she refuse him? If he did such a thing, it would be a confession to himself that he needed what he had worked so hard to try and refuse. Just by finding her, protecting her and working with her even against his Order... he had done as much.

 

He came to only a foot away from her, his head tilted so that he might be her height. Slowly, he outstretched his arms, and she fell into them, responding with pulling him close as he held her to his chest, one of his gloved hands reached into her hair, gently cupping the back of her head. Their breaths synced together. He closed his eyes and pressed his cheek on her shoulder. Her body armour somewhat obstructed the softness of the moment, but that was only to be expected. He forced himself to draw away, but once more it was as if a part of him had left his body to join with hers.

 

“I should never have allowed Hux to go with you.” Ben murmured regretfully as he realised he had avoided her eyes. The guilt would never leave him... he drew his look back up to her face. “Tell me everything.” He asked of her.

 

_ ‘Ben.’ _

 

He had corrected, firmly but with no hostility. Rey looked relieved. Such a title was never something she would have preferred to address him with, however until he had assuaged her fear that they could be being listened to, she'd had little choice. For her to use the name that fit so comfortably in her mouth, that felt so natural rolling off her tongue would have given them away immediately. Even, she'd noted, the use of his moniker Kylo Ren had been barely referred to since he had seized control of the First Order. Each of his names, his titles seemed to serve a singular purpose to disguise who he truly was, and for that she found herself scorning them.

 

He approached her, settling the bundle of books onto the table. She watched, wringing her hands. She wanted to apologize for bringing them to him. A part of his past that had marked him with the pain of betrayal. Family, she realized, did not mean what she had thought it once did. She did not know what that felt like, to have the hands of those who were kin to turn upon her. Unbidden, flashes of Hux's memories came to her and then those of what she had only imagined when Luke told her of his deepest regrets. She shook her head slightly as if to shake the thoughts free - they were nothing alike! Nothing!

 

_ ‘We're alone. Nothing in this room can be recorded.’ _

 

He said at last. She closed her eyes briefly, drawing in a deep breath. Jira was behind her. All of that, was behind her. She wanted nothing to cloud her mind - not when she was with Ben. It was easy to tell herself that she needed a clear mind so that they could discuss their next move. But there was something else beneath it. An undercurrent that ran deep and steady. Identifying it would have to wait, however, she could feel the anxiety building in him, the strain of curiosity coming close to snapping the cords of restraint.

 

She looked up at him, finding that he had moved closer still. Yet why should they know restraint? Slowly he lifted his arms and she did nothing to stop the instinct to settle between them. She had yearned for his comfort on Jira, why should she deprive either of them of it now? Her cheek settled against his chest as perfectly as though she had been made to fit to his form as an alpha-resonator had been built to conform to the shape of the compression modulator in the helmet she'd discarded. Never had she been so happy to, his fingers threading into her hair. Closing her eyes, she nestled her cheek into the fabric of his tunic, finding herself irritated at the hard casing that separated her from the softness of his touch. She realized, selfishly, and with a small strand of giddiness, it was not the same in his case - she slipped her arms around his waist, palms flattening along the gentle curve of his back. She found herself cursing the gloves she wore.

 

It was a moment that was entirely too short-lived. Her protest was not vocal but a physical one, as he pulled away she'd been forced to loosen her own grip on him, her hand moving to his arm, fingers gently tensioned along his arm as he straightened, until at last she'd been forced to reluctantly release his hand.

 

_ ‘I should never have allowed Hux to go with you.’ _

 

He would not meet her eyes. She shook her head, wanting to reassure him that she would not have been able to stay away if it had been any other way. Knowing that Hux would have still been here with Ben... Especially now that Hux had bared his truest intentions to her... She felt her expression hardening at the thought.

 

"No... It's..." She muttered softly, trying to massage the guilt that so apparently clung to him.

 

_ ‘Tell me everything.’ _

 

She didn't want to speak certain things aloud - her conflict and the effect that Hux had had on her was not one she really wanted to disclose, not until she could properly dissect it and decide what it truly meant, if anything at all. Ultimately, she told herself, it wouldn't mean anything if he chose to act against Ben. If he chose to do more than threaten Ben, there wouldn't be anything that could save him. She promised herself that, though it did not help to soothe the shadows plaguing her mind.

 

"Where to begin?" She wondered aloud, crossing her arms gently across her chest, settling her backside against the edge of the table, staring down at the ground as she tried to find the correct starting point.

 

"Before coming here, I worked in a... Well, in a bar..." She explained Lil, briefly - there wasn't enough time, she felt, to give the woman justice. But she told him enough that he might understand the chain of events, how she'd been hired to scrap belongings left behind and unclaimed by patrons - how that had been her source of her first suit of stormtrooper armor... And why she was more than happy to have her back when she'd returned. How lucky she was that Lil had kept her room, that she'd hidden the texts there... She gestured to them then, with a small jerk of her chin.


	25. Chapter 25

"I had planned to stay there, report the texts in the morning but... Hux, of all people, had come in..." She recounted the way he'd tried to promise to keep her secrets safe - she assured Ben she had shared none. She could not help herself, informing him of the woman whom Hux had labeled a... A succubus - watching intently as if to see if Ben's reaction might shed any more light on what exactly the term meant. She told him about the drink, a faint blush on her cheeks as she whispered the name to him - how Lil had set it on fire, about to break down the process but she caught herself, slowing the stem of her words lest she begin rambling about things that she was quite certain Ben had no interest in whatsoever. Still, she thought, if the chance came, she'd make the drink for him - simply because who could not appreciate seeing flame that could be poured?

 

"Ah, and... Well, as it turns out, the General can drink a fair amount. H-he..." She paused, chewing the inside of her lip, "Well, Lil thought that perhaps there was... She sent us to the back and..." She found her chest tightening, remembering the rage that he felt, the way he'd look at her as he'd decided that he would take her life.

 

"He broke his bottle and passed out, fortunately. I was able to get my things and get out. I waited until morning to inform everyone that I'd found some proof." She turned away, facing the bundle, finger poking at the knot in the scarf she'd tied. "But he can't be trusted, Ben..." Her tone was flat, if not a little distant.

 

"He wants your position." It was not new information to either of them... How could she tell him without having to relive all the rest? "He's waiting for his opportunity." She added. Her expression darkened, lifting her eyes towards Ben's. "I won't let that happen." She was taken aback by the savagery in her tone, almost a growl. Almost as if she was embarrassed by her outburst, she turned back towards the texts.

 

"I figure it won't be too hard to sell the story - a couple resistance fighters in poor shape had come to trade for medical supplies. I was lucky enough to have caught one of the roving merchants in the evening as they prepared to leave - requisitioned the texts to show as evidence..." She shrugged, risking a glance at Ben, to see what he thought of the story.

 

"There's more..." She added, "I can't show you here... But soon, I'll..." She offered him a small smile this time, the corners of her lips gently curving upwards. It lasted only for a few seconds before her expression became decidedly more serious.

 

"And I have the communicator. I... I was thinking about it on the way back. If it was the rebels that attacked the First Order ships, they have done so without any attempt to inform me. And the power of the communicator itself," She tried to think of how to formulate her words "I don't know if I can activate it on The Ordinance without it..." She didn't know the ins and outs of the technology behind them.

 

"I don't know if it would be secure to use it here." She didn't want to say it, mostly because it inferred that there was a possibility they would have to be parted again - and that was a risk she was not willing to take.

 

~

 

_ ‘Before coming here, I worked in a... Well, in a bar…’ _

 

Ben was taken aback by the sudden image in his mind of Rey as a barmaid. He wanted to smile but it seemed strange and inappropriate. He had not smiled in so long, yet how could he not smirk just the tiniest bit at Rey’s description of Lil, the bar manager. Fierce yet comforting, blunt yet cunning, intelligent and witty. He could tell that Rey missed her already. That Lil was a friend of hers on a planet far from them. Ben wished that somehow he could have met her. He owed this woman much if she had taken Rey into her care, given her a room and a place to keep the texts.

 

_ ‘I had planned to stay there, report the texts in the morning but... Hux, of all people, had come in…’ _

 

Ben stiffened at the mere idea. He had asked her for secrets, he knew she had worked in a bar despite being a stormtrooper... the two of them were clearly treading a thin line. He hadn't realised that his fists were clenched until she eased him with the tale of the flirtatious woman, or, as Hux had put it: the succubus. Ben scoffed under his breath in an attempt to stifle his amusement. Why had he become so accustomed to attempting not to show a single sign of feeling? It had been so long that he found himself trying to suffocate happiness for fear of it weakening. The animated way Rey told him of this scandalous exchange, the obscene drink that she had ordered and how Lil had set it alight... it was got harder and harder to stop himself from smiling. If she had more tales of the bar, Ben would have been content to simply live his life with her undisturbed inside of that room while she told him the stories. Yet he was forgetting. Forgetting reality, and forgetting that Rey had been confronted by the General in a highly troubling way.

 

_ ‘Ah, and... Well, as it turns out, the General can drink a fair amount.’  _ She continued.

 

Ben remembered how uncharacteristically tired and defeated he had seemed. Defeated by drink, as it had turned out. Ben rolled his eyes at the fact. Hux should have been aware that it wouldn't sit well with him. Rey had begun to bite her pastel lips. Something had gone wrong? Ben’s mocking attitude and sense of quiet joy melted fast back into his familiar fears. Something passed behind Rey’s eyes. What was she thinking?

 

_ ‘H-he…’ _ She stammered, and Ren’s hands made fists once more.

 

What had he done? Damn it, what had Hux done?! If he had hurt Rey, Ben would kill him for it.

 

_ ‘Well, Lil thought that perhaps there was... She sent us to the back and…’ _

 

...What did she mean by that? She was alone with him?! Ben’s muscles grew tight and hard. He began to register the thudding of his own heart.

 

_ ‘He broke his bottle and passed out, fortunately.’  _ Rey stated, much to Ben’s immediate relief.  _ ‘I was able to get my things and get out. I waited until morning to inform everyone that I'd found some proof.’ _

 

Thank the force. He had not hurt her... or at least, this was what she told him, and he believed her. Still, it was highly concerning that he had singled her out, that she had eventually been sent to the back with him to be the only audience member to witness his show of drunken foolery. How dare he pick her out like that...

 

_ ‘But he can't be trusted, Ben…’ _

 

She was deadpan. None of the frivolities during her account of Lil and the scandalous woman. Ben knew: she had seen Hux for what Ben already knew he was. She didn't need to warn him, he was already aware of the depths of the General’s ruthlessness and ambition.

 

_ ‘He wants your position.’ _

 

There was something in her expression. She had seen something... something worse than what she was letting on during his drunken episode. It made Ben tremble with anger that he had effected her like this. Her usually shining features had darkened, as though she had changed from flesh to stone. Ben knew the feeling all too well and he had hoped that she would never have to know it.

 

_ ‘He's waiting for his opportunity.’ _ She continued.

 

Her face lifted to look him in the eye and he was a little startled to see the same look that he knew from the forest all that time ago when she had called him a monster, except that this time, the two of them were discussing another kind of monster altogether.

 

_ ‘I won't let that happen.’ _ She vowed.

 

Ben trusted her word, but he was afraid of it. He couldn't let her do that. It was not her burden to bear. This was not her way. She couldn't succumb to the dark, not like he had done. He could not allow her to protect him from his own struggles, not like this. She was already in harm’s way, and just as she had so ardently expressed that she would not allow Hux to hurt him, would he, under no circumstances, let her be hurt in defending him. Still, she had calmed somewhat quickly, moving onto what she would tell the others in regard to how she had found the texts.

 

_ ‘I figure it won't be too hard to sell the story - a couple resistance fighters in poor shape had come to trade for medical supplies. I was lucky enough to have caught one of the roving merchants in the evening as they prepared to leave - requisitioned the texts to show as evidence…’ _

 

She looked to him as if for confirmation. It seemed sound. It was unlikely that anyone would question her too much on the subject... except for General Hux, if he were determined to try and discover more of her. Ben couldn't... wouldn't... let him do so. He had to come up with a plan...

 

_ ‘There's more…’ _

 

Ben pulled himself back to the present moment and looked up at her in question.

 

_ ‘I can't show you here... But soon, I'll…’ _

 

Was that another hint of a smile on her face? He could only hope then that the reason she wouldn't tell him was nothing that he need be too concerned about. The precious moment of levity and beauty didn't last long.

 

_ ‘And I have the communicator. I... I was thinking about it on the way back. If it was the rebels that attacked the First Order ships, they have done so without any attempt to inform me. And the power of the communicator itself, I don't know if I can activate it on The Ordinance without it... I don't know if it would be secure to use it here.’ _

 

She was right. Right about all of it. This was a peculiar set of circumstances... there was still a plausible chance that it was not resistance, however much Hux and Opan had desired for it to be. They wanted a war where there was hardly anything worth fighting. They couldn't take any chances. It was likely that it could not be used... not directly anyway…

 

~ 

 

Rey realized, as she regaled Ben of her adventures that he was truly an exceptional listener - much as he had been in the hut on Ach-To, he had been generous with the attentiveness that he had given her as she spoke. His smallest reactions had spurred her onwards. His small scoff, the way her words had begun to effect him - until at long last he was smiling! The smile she had wondered what it could have looked like while she was back on Jira... The reality had far exceeded her poor imaginings. The underlying truth was now that she had seen it, no daydream could suffice. She was addicted - enthralled, becoming more animated as her tale progressed of the woman and the fiery drink if only to keep the smile on his lips for a little while longer.

 

However, she'd had to move on. It was everything she had not wanted to do. She steered the tale further, trying to navigate around the worst parts but she could see on his face that he knew something had happened. She reached out, gently towards his hands that he'd made into fists. She settled her fingers over them as if to reassure him. She hated to worry him, though seeing his reaction had done something towards soothing the horribly raw feeling in her chest that Hux's abrasive words had created.

 

Then her words carried them further from those moments - the intensity of which she vowed to protect him. As it seemed no one else was prepared to do. Everyone seemed happily to pin some sort of expectation upon him. Snoke had wanted him to be Darth Vader's legacy... Luke had wanted him to be a Jedi Knight - a great Skywalker... His mother now seemed to have resigned herself to marking him amongst the many things that had been taken away from her... Hux saw him as an adversary wearing a title he had lusted for as a child... They all wanted to stand over him or to put him away. Nobody, it seemed, was prepared to accept him simply as Ben, to stand with him as opposed to behind him as some kind of bulwark, to place him in the line of fire.

 

Then she had nearly divulged her secret. The surprise she had planned for him. The thought had brought with it a degree of elation merely in anticipation of what he might do when presented with the gifts she'd prepared. But that would have to wait, too - the real reason for her mission was still in need of being addressed.

 

She wished she could have been more helpful, that she might have had a solution to present to him about the communicator. Anywhere whose communications systems were routed through First Order channels - any ship in their fleet would be a huge risk. Even on secure channels, someone in the communications rooms would be able to identify that there was an outgoing channel active, even if they could not view it. Or, at the very least, that had been her assumption. And with Hux having played his hand, it was likely that he would be monitoring such things from afar.

 

Rey turned back to the table, reactivating the holo-map. It meant they'd have to get planetside somewhere. She could not think of city or a planet that might be suitable for their purposes, however. She ran her finger along the sensor pad, planets whirling by in front of her face. She hadn't even the faintest idea of where to begin. She didn't want to risk another away mission - the thought that General Hux might insert himself into the mission roster again was one that unsettled her. She refused to admit it but she was afraid of him. Or at least, of the effect he'd had on her. It was unexpected and very much unwelcomed.

 

And Ben... He could not leave The Ordinance, either. Not unless.. She was struggling with the formulation of the plan - grasping at straws. If there was some way they would all have to leave The Ordinance... She glanced up at Ben, her expression was apologetic - she wasn't even sure how to begin to articulate the proposition or how even such a thing would be plausible.

 

~ 

 

As she activated the holographic map once more, it occurred to Ben that he hadn't yet told her what was going to happen for the Order next. They had to select a new capital, and after some discussion, the planet Vorkenna, a place that had been dominated by the Order for some years as well as acting as a secondary base of operations between the core of the galaxy and the origin point of Starkiller Base had been chosen. It was ideal to further assert their dominance on the systems surrounding them. There would soon be an event to commemorate this decision on the planet itself, an event which would mean the entirety of the Ordinance would head to ground...

 

“It’s still a risk...” Ben began to think aloud. “But this might be our only chance.”

 

Rey looked up at him in question. He quickly explained to her the situation, though he was not convinced himself that it was a solution. Nevertheless...

 

“It might be an occasion big enough to be a distraction.” Ben offered. “I can try and keep everyone occupied and engaged while you could...”

 

He didn't continue. It was still dangerous, and it would no doubt be a difficulty for her to sneak away. It was not entirely in the nature of the First Order to celebrate without necessary precautions. Would they still intercept the signal, even during the course of an extravagant display? But then, if they had all left the ship anyway...

 

This was a rare occasion when it would be permitted for the soldiers to remove their masks and uniforms. It would mean she could be recognised instantly, both by him and by Hux. Hux had seen her without her mask on...

 

First he knew that Ben had carried off a stormtrooper girl from the cells, next he knew Rey’s face and that she had worked at a bar on Jira. That she had been the one to find the Jedi texts. The ground below them felt as delicate and thin as the old parchment of those very texts.

 

It was an irony that Ben felt so helpless even as the most powerful man in the galaxy. How long had he been trapped in the prison of his own power? Was he only just realising it now, or had he known it all along?

 

He looked back to Rey, trying to interpret her reaction to this loose sketch of yet another dangerous plan. She was always been thrown into the line of fire while he could do nothing but pretend not to care. They were so close to being discovered, just one more move could be the final straw.

 

“You don't have to do this.” He told her, laying his hands on either side of her shoulders. He couldn’t stop himself. What he truly meant was that he didn't want her to do this. He feared for her. “We can think of something else, we can find another way or... we can wait?” he suggested, though he wasn't sure what they could wait for. Another possible attack that could be pinned on the resistance? Some other opportunity to contact them? Time was slipping away so fast. Even their time together in the conference room would soon run out.

 

It was cruel. It was even more cruel than them fighting to work together against a world that was determined to keep them separate. At least when they had fought, he could accept in his mind that she thought him a monster, that they had no hope except to beat each other in a battle that neither of them would ever truly win. Hope was a torturer. No wonder he had stopped himself from feeling joy for so long, it was too much to refuse and far too hard to let go of. It was somehow more painful to finally know that she felt the same way he did, for her to make him smile, to make him feel pure, sincere and precious joy, only for it to constantly be challenged; for them to be continually torn from each other.

 

Ben knew his thoughts were spiralling, but could there ever be a way to start again? To run away with her, somewhere isolated from everything that had hurt them both so much. This was the only way he could possibly imagine a place of safety and joy for their future.

 

He hated himself for thinking so selfishly. Rey surely wouldn't be happy there. She wasn't like him: she had people she still cared for and fought for. He would be taking her away from the world she loved and could one day explore simply because he felt himself that he had seen far too much of it. He realised he was thinking like Luke, whom he had ridiculed for running away like that after he had pushed Ben over the edge. The insult that he hadn't even taken responsibility... Ben stopped himself. He knew he was wrong. His turn to the dark wasn't Luke’s responsibility, not at all. It was his own. Why should he pity himself when it was his own actions that had landed him in this place?

 

He grounded himself back in the present moment. They would soon have to leave the conference room…

 


	26. Chapter 26

_ ‘It's still a risk... But this might be our only chance.’ _

 

Her brow furrowed, as he began to explain his statement. Rey listened intently, biting at her thumbnail as she watched him explain the situation surrounded a planet named Vorkenna. She nodded her understanding, overjoyed that they were on the same path. It seemed like gloriously good fortune that their minds were similarly comprehending potential veins of thought. It served to further her opinion that they made a good team.

 

_ ‘It might be an occasion big enough to be a distraction. I can try and keep everyone occupied and engaged while you could…’ _

 

She nodded. She could withdraw from the festivities, find a private locale and initiate the communications device. Ben couldn't. Too many eyes would be upon him - as Supreme Leader, he'd be the focal point of the gathering. But her... Nobody would miss her if she ducked out. Besides, she wasn't certain how Leia or any other receivers would respond to his voice breaking their radio silence. 

 

She swallowed hard, mulling it over in her own mind. She wasn't entirely sure how they would respond to her having ignored Leia's orders, either, for that matter. Regardless, it had to be her. She would have exactly one chance to try to establish if it was them making these attacks and to persuade them to cease their activities... If only she could assure them that fighting was no longer necessary - that Ben's vision for the First Order was not one of a violent nature... She tried to suppress the hopeful feeling in her chest - that she might be the bridge between them. Diplomatically, they could work together to realize Ben's dream and that of his mother.

 

When he looked at her, she shrugged. She had no better suggestion, no counter plan. He was right. This was a chance that they could not afford to miss. She didn't like that they would be expected to leave their armor behind. Maybe she could be put onto security detail - surely they would have to still wear their helmets and armor... She could use the patrol as an excuse to sneak away...

 

_ ‘You don't have to do this.’ _

 

His words as much as his touch pulled her away from her thoughts. He settled his hands on her shoulders. She met his gaze evenly.

 

_ ‘We can think of something else, we can find another way or... we can wait?’ _

 

She shook her head.

 

"No." She responded abruptly, "No, this is our best chance. We need answers. I can get them." She assured him, hands settling on top of his where they rested on her shoulder, tilting her head to the side to rest her head against the small part of his arm that she could reach. She closed her eyes briefly, enjoying the feeling of the fabric of his tunic against her cheek. Drawing a short breath, she straightened, eyes opening - the spark of determination lit in them.

 

"I want to do this. I will do this." She affirmed again. They had enough to worry about from internal threats in the First Order. If she could ensure that the rebels would not add further complications, it would be worth it. The safest place to Leia and the others was out of sight and out of mind until the right time when amends could be made. She would make them see. She had to.

 

She lifted her hand to the side of his face, thumb brushing against the scar she'd cruelly gifted him, a frown on her face that faded only slightly as she drew her eyes away from it so that she was looking into his own, head inclining as if to hold him with her gaze.

 

"It will be alright. We'll be careful." Her tone was firm. She would be strong so that he would not have to worry. She refused to be the weak point in his defenses - if she assured him of her competence, he could focus on his own wellbeing. He had the hard part to do, after all. She could only imagine how trying it would be to be the point of attention... How many people who would be vying for his attention. She dropped her gloved hand away from his face with a great deal of reluctance. She didn't want to have leave the room. Not only because it meant they would have to be parted to prepare for their next step but for the fact that their ability to converse freely would be all but eliminated.

 

"In the meantime, I'll lay low." It was more of a thought spoken aloud. Hopefully, he would simply interpret it as her intention to avoid getting into any more dustups. Her bruises might actually be completely gone and her wounds fully mended by the time they reached the planet Vorkenna. In truth, she simply hoped to avoid gaining the attention of... Anyone else, on the ship, really. But also the General. She'd already witnessed how quiet and quickly dealt with the deaths of underlings were on The Ordinance. She had no desire to find herself caught unawares or alone with anyone. Apart from Ben, of course.

 

"I should go." She hated this... She picked up her helmet, turning to Ben - she offered him what she hoped would be a reassuring smile. With a small sigh, she shoved the helmet back onto her head.

 

~

 

_ ‘It will be alright. We'll be careful.’ _

 

The strength of her promise and the comfort of her touch was almost enough to ease his troubled mind. It didn't seem to take much from her to soothe him. He knew that she could do what she willed to him, and his soul would simply yield to her, as if he were helpless to stop such a thing, as if he were pulled along on a string. Still, he knew clearly that he had no desire to stop it. He had accepted that much. Her hand dropped from his face, but he could still feel her there somehow, the touch lingered on his cheek as she moved away. Her movements were slow. Ben was sure that she could feel the same pull that he could, and how hard it was to tear themselves away from such a connection.

 

_ ‘In the meantime, I'll lay low.’ _

 

Ben appreciated her assurance, but he knew it wouldn’t stop him from fearing for her and pleading the stars that she could be protected. An ache in his chest grew as she stepped backward, back towards her helmet.

 

_ ‘I should go.’ _

 

Ben couldn't help but stare. Would he be able to see her face at the celebration on Vorkenna? Where and when would he see her face next? Whatever the answer might be, Ben was certain it would be too long. He gazed over the glowing of her skin, her full lips and fiercely delicate hazel eyes one last time before she hid it all away with the helmet. Like a wall between them. Ben nodded in acceptance. He had always found acceptance difficult.

 

Gently, smoothly, he escorted her to the door.

 

“We will meet again.” Ben vowed in a final whisper, before opening the door and watching her walk away. “Soon.” He finished.

 

He had watched her walk away too many times with the question of whether she would return. He knew that that idea was hardly fair. This was never her fault, in fact this entire sticky situation had been his fault to begin with. He wondered to himself what would happen when she contacted his mother. What would she say? How could she explain the logic of Ben’s heart when he didn't even understand it himself?

 

As Ben came to grips with being alone once more, he remembered to pluck the bundle of texts from the table before leaving. He looked over them vacantly. He supposed he might scan through them at least. It surely couldn't do harm except to possibly cause him some frustration when confronted with the memories of his early training. The hypocrisy of the Jedi. The friends he had claimed as his new family in the Knights of Ren which had allowed him to move past the pain of turning against his first family. The seeds of anger and grief that Snoke had planted there...

 

He didn't think further of that. It was odd that his mind had been drawn back to the days of the Knights of Ren. He had drowned that subject in his mind and his emotions long ago. He was sure that if he hadn't suppressed it, it would have destroyed him. What had made him think of it again in this moment? A kind of rift? The texts? A sensation of dejà vù? Was it Rey’s affection that has reminded him of what it had once felt like to work alongside someone else? No, surely not. It was random, he was sure. Yet a strange feeling to surface at random. A feeling that was somehow deeply troubling.

 

No more of that, -he told himself again. This was a subject he couldn't dare to linger on. He could surely find a way to forget the pain of the past without forgetting the past entirely, couldn't he?

 

Still, the present and future held far more importance under the circumstances. He would shortly be part of another meeting discussing the preparations for Vorkenna and what exactly would follow. Hux would most likely be appointed to announce the event to the Order that night, that is, if he would be up to it...

 

Ben couldn't believe how far Hux had allowed himself to go. Would his hangover have died down at all? He imagined he would soon find out. However amusing he found the subject, it would not detract from what Rey had warned him of. As if his mind had somehow been read, he found Hux outside a huddle of a group of officers helping themselves to tea in one of the social areas for the higher tier of the Order outside the dining hall. Hux was possibly not engaging with them due to what Ben imagined would be a splitting headache. They each turned to watch Ben as he appeared, but quickly elapsed back into their chatter afterwards, most likely, regarding all the excitement of Vorkenna. Ben and Hux met eyes from across the area, and while Ben was hardly in a mood to talk with him, it was a paradox that Hux was one of the only people that he could allow himself to talk to. What sad and strange events had lead him to the circumstance of his closest acquaintance also being his worst enemy, he was not certain.

 

He dragged himself over. Perhaps he could at least try to subtly learn an aspect of Hux’s perspective on what had happened over on Jira.

 

“How was your meeting with KR-0117?” Hux inquired.

 

He sounded oddly genuine. That itself was ironically unsettling. Ben took in a breath.

 

“Informative.” He replied curtly.

 

Hux hid a smile. Ben blinked. What was that about? He hadn't realised... had he?

 

“She’s not your average soldier.” Hux hummed, barely more than a murmur. As if he were ashamed by his own statement.

 

Was there something... wistful in his expression? Ben’s brows furrowed. What was he missing? This couldn't be right.

 

“What...” Ben picked up hesitantly, “...what makes you say that? You mean you... got to know her?”

 

Hux’s small smile grew.

 

“She's something.” He muttered. His eyes glistened. “And I don't know quite what.”

 

He stirred his tea with the clink of a small spoon.

 

“But I like it.” He concluded, before taking a sip.

 

Ben’s hand rested on his heart to try and stop it thudding. He turned away, hiding his face. This... this had to be a mistake...

 

Was it a plot? Was it to draw him out? For him to reveal his true feelings? On the contrary, Ben knew it was not the case. He knew it was the opposite. Hux was showing him his true feelings, and not through any trap that Ben had created, but by his own admission, and these feelings were for Rey! Of anyone in the army, anyone at all that he could have become fascinated by...

 

Ben was frozen. He still believed that he had somehow been deceived or had made a mistake, that there was no chance it could be true...

 

“I should rather like to know her better.” Hux admitted.

 

No avoiding it now. Ben blinked once more as if it would help him to wake from a dream. It did nothing. This was not a dream so much as a nightmare, and a nightmare that he could not wake up from.

 

~

 

Rey did not want to walk quickly, even with Ben to escort her to the door, it felt like the room could never be large enough. Just as their time together was never long enough to satisfy a growing appetite for which she struggled to find an explanation let alone a definition. Just like Plutt's rations never filled her, leaving her always hungry for something more... Their steps halted before the door, Ben reaching for the control panel.

 

_ ‘We will meet again. Soon.’ _

 

She nodded, afraid that if she were to speak that it would crumble her resolve and she'd halt his efforts to open the door. It was too risky to linger much longer. The away mission was not so eventful and the First Order demanded precision which meant a debriefing would not merit a lengthy meeting. She found herself regretting not having selected a more prominent role to infiltrate the First Order. At least then she might have a more legitimate reason to speak with Ben or at least less brows would rise at the sight of a lowly soldier speaking to the Supreme Leader.

 

But it would never have worked, she reminded herself... There was too much that she didn't understand. Her fragile lies would be easily punched through and it would land her and potentially Ben into a world of trouble. An officer of whom no one had no recollection would be much harder to explain as opposed to a faceless mook. At least as a stormtrooper, nobody cared overly much. Her file was practically empty and no questions had been raised. She had been fortunate. But it made her nervous - for how much longer could she hide behind the curtain of insignificance? They were heavy thoughts she picked through as she made her way down the corridors and into the lift.

 

Exactly where she was going, she couldn't say. She shifted her weight from her left leg to her right, thumb massaging the strap of her rucksack as she waited for the elevator to descend. She thought of what Ben had said - the idea of the huge gathering was intriguing to her. She wondered what it would be like, knowing of course that she was still unlikely to ever know. Her task would take her far from the epicenter of luxury. She tried to assuage her disappointment with the fact that if the opportunity presented itself, she would simply ask Ben to recount to her the details. It would be better, she assured herself, to hear it from him than to see it for herself. Any circumstance during which she got to hear his calming voice would be vastly preferable.

 

"KR-0117!!!"

 

Rey froze, eyes widening as she looked up - the doors of the elevator had just rolled open. JF-6371. He stood at the door, his posture indicating surprise.

 

"JF-6371." She greeted, about to step out as he made a move to step in. Awkwardly, she took a step back as he pushed his way into the lift. She watched as the doors rolled closed again with a sinking feeling in her gut.

 

"You're back! Already!" He reached out, landing a playful punch on her shoulder. She tried not to recoil, her mind racing to find explanations for his behavior. She found herself wondering if there would ever come a day when she did not have to be so guarded and cagey - ready for confrontation. Where she could see a person and for them to see her without having to question what their motives were.

 

"Yes. The mission was a success."

 

"Oh, I know! I haven't seen CS-9874 look so relieved."

 

Of course, her squadron leader would have been notified, and JF's propensity for seeking out favor would likely have seen him visiting her. Rey frowned, she... She did feel badly, now that she'd had time to be distanced from their fight. Particularly for how ready she'd been to kill her.

 

"How is she? CS-9874, I mean?" She knew she must have done some damage, in spite of the haze of rage that helped to blind her to it at the time - survival and the thrill of the fight had given her strength and the capacity to avoid registering her precise actions. Or at least, it helped to cover her usual conscious awareness of her morality and the limits she would have normally had in place. She hadn't just wanted to stop the fight... She'd wanted her to hurt, she wanted her to die... It was terrifying to reflect on it now.

 

"She's scheduled for oral surgery to address the fractured teeth. But otherwise, recovered and back to drilling us. You've been lucky to avoid having to attend training." JF admitted as he punched a button on the elevator controls, seemingly uncaring of the fact that Rey had been going in the opposite direction.

 

She shook her head gently. She could only imagine. After Hux had embarrassed them all - CS-9874 would have become an intolerable taskmaster, drilling them harder and longer than ever before to make sure that the squadron performed with perfection - as if she could guarantee that nothing of substandard quality could be captured on the recordings ever again.

 

The elevator pinged, the doors sliding open as JF exited the elevator. With a shrug, Rey followed him.

 

"Anyway, I have to get back to it. I drew a rotation with the sanitization crew." JF-6371 informed her, waving his hand casually as he moved away from her, leaving her standing in an empty corridor. She recognized this corridor... She glanced around, JF's back disappearing around a corner. She chewed her lip, considering her options, watching the timing of the cameras in their pendulum motions. Against her better judgment, she proceeded straight ahead, hastening to avoid her image being caught on the backswing of the camera. Just, she told herself, as they had one chance to use the communicator - she had but this one chance to deliver to Ben the gifts she had collected.

 

She punched the controls on the wall, ducking into the room just at the nick of time. She blew the breath she hadn't realized she'd held out between her lips. After a moment, she reached up to remove her helmet, placing it on the small table, tossing her rucksack onto the bed. Hastily, she started to shed her armor, a string of her belongings as she progressed towards the far door. She couldn't resist. Of all the rooms in The Ordinance, surely this one was quickly becoming her favorite. She stole into the bathroom, casting a longing look at the empty shower stall. But she was here for another purpose...

 

She pulled her gloves off, letting them fall to the floor as she reached to open one of the drawers. Her lips curving into a grin as she pulled out exactly what she had hoped to find - a sharp ended comb. She made her way out of the bathroom, gathering up her armor and made her way to his bed, settling herself on the soft surface, legs crossing as she pulled open her bag.

 

She pulled free the tray of Odo berries, setting them beside her, using all of her self restraint not to consume them. Not a single one, though they gleamed with their crimson perfection, a beautiful tempting torment. Not, she told herself, as glorious as it would be to see Ben smiling again. With that thought, she turned back to her armor, setting to work with the end of the comb to free the small pieces she'd secreted away, pulling the remaining pieces out of the bag where she'd nestled them into the nooks and crannies of the inner pockets.

 

Finally, all of the pieces of Anakin's lightsaber lay out in front of her on the bed. In the center of the half-halo of components lay the faintly glowing, fractured kyber crystal. The only thing she'd really been able to fully comprehend from the texts were... The images, amusingly enough. The illustration of the process of the construction... And prior to this point, she had simply not felt herself capable of putting it all together.

 

She closed her eyes, forcing her breathing into a long and steady rhythm. In... out... She forced her thoughts to be silent, a process that took a great deal longer than it should have. Nevertheless, she could feel the desired effect of the meditation. She felt the Force around her and within herself just as she had on Ach-To. The pieces in front of her felt heavy, laden with so much history. So many memories, such emotion tied to each piece. She could not see them but they had begun to lift from the bed, spinning in slow circles as she let her intuition guide her. What felt right, she let the Force guide them together. Clicking, twisting. A small gasp escaped her lips - she did not feel alone in the room. In spite of her trepidation, she forced herself to maintain her measured breathing. It was not a hostile feeling, almost as if a hand rested on her shoulder, reassuring yet unfamiliar. Everything within her wanted to open her eyes but...

 

A final click and she could feel that it was complete. The presence faded, the weight on her shoulder dissipating as she opened her eyes. She reached up, pulling the lightsaber from where it hovered in the air. She activated it, the bright blue beam igniting and filling the room with a soft glow. She grinned, so incredibly pleased with herself and grateful that it had worked. She deactivated it, internally issuing her thanks to who or whatever had helped her. She would have felt afraid except that the feeling had been so... Kind. Wistful, perhaps, maybe a touch of melancholy but patient and gentle.

 

She glanced around, snapping her armor back together, shoving it off the bed, leaning back to shove the lightsaber under the pillow and.... Waited. She could only hope that Ben would be able to retreat to his room - the evening hours were approaching. It had only been the morning on Jira but space travel had a strange way of skewing the perception of time as if The Ordinance had been its own planet on its own schedule.

 


	27. Chapter 27

The reality that Hux had developing feelings for the one woman who could have made any difference had only just begun to settle in. Ben’s world had been spiralling like an uncontrollable ship. He was sure not to let Hux notice: he kept himself quiet and isolated from him and the other officers during the next hour or so while still making sure that he could still be seen so no accusations of disappearance or odd behaviour could be cast upon him. He was grateful when the cluster of officers dissipated and the evening drew near. Hux would no doubt be preparing the Vorkenna announcement. Ben himself grew numb and tired. He began to wander past empty rooms again, unable to draw his mind away from Rey and from Hux and how this mess could possibly be fixed.

 

A moment came when then part of the ship he was in appeared to be in complete silence. As if he were just... floating. Floating by himself. He ought not to have been too shocked since The Ordinance was so big a ship, yet there was something different about this silence. There was something calmer and heavier about it. Ben closed his eyes to savour it for a moment as he leaned against a nearby wall. There was something tranquil. As tranquil as a lake. He was about to be told something...

 

His brow furrowing, he opened his eyes slowly and was startled to see a shining blue light from around the corner of a deserted corridor.

 

Ben swallowed. He had seen many things that were difficult to believe occurring in the force. He had learned of force ghosts even when he was a child, and even then he had wished to see one. He had long since abandoned such a dream, even despite his close connections to the dead... he didn't actually dare to believe that... that this was what he was seeing?

 

At first, he didn't want to come around the corner. He was so afraid that his stomach began to churn, yet it felt needless, as the presence was calming. The fact remained that Ben was not sure what or who he would see, and he was not sure if he wanted to see them in the first place. This could have been anyone he killed. It could be Luke. Luke had promised to see him again. It could be...

 

It could be Han.

 

Without thinking further about it, Ben winced as he prepared himself and quickly turned the corner. The blue light shimmered and appeared some meters away down the next corridor. Ben froze. This was definitely a ghost, yet he was not his father or his uncle. He was not what Ben had expected at all.

 

A figure, wearing the tunic of what Ben knew to be the old Jedi stood before him. The man was younger than him, but not by much. Ben stared at his tresses of light brown hair, the way he held himself; his feet firmly grounded, his stare direct, but his expression youthful. He was had a boyish charm and good looks, but there was something deeper there. A wisdom and daring beyond anything that Ben had ever known. It showed in his eyes, which were clearly his most striking feature and reflected the blue aura that surrounded him. Then there was that faint line of a scar on the right side of his face. A spirit... from a particular moment in time. Kept in this particular state.

 

Ben did not recognise this man, but his heart, his mind, his emotions,- everything inside of him knew the truth. He was shocked by his own conviction. He surely had to be mistaken. This had to be another dream. The whole day after he had left Rey had felt like a nightmare, after all.

 

Ben raised a hand to touch his own scar as he stared, transfixed by the ghost that softly regarded him. Then the ghost began to turn. A few more paces, and he disappeared around another corner.

 

Ben could hardly breathe, his feet practically flew to make sure that he would keep up, contrasting with the slow meandering of the young man.

 

Ben didn't dare to even speak when he found the ghost was still there after he had come around the next corner, despite having a million questions to ask and a million things to say. He was not sure that he would be able to speak even if he summoned the courage.

 

There was a great warmth from this presence. A warmth that was almost fatherly. Caring and guiding. It was everything Ben didn't know he had missed because of his resentment, and that he had always been searching for. Ben swallowed again as his mouth grew dry. He pressed his lips together. Would he summon the courage to confirm it for certain? He didn't want to dismiss or disrespect the ghost by speaking... but his voice would soon find him in the silence that followed which should have been tense but was instead filled with love and comfort.

 

“G-grandfather?” Ben addressed in a whisper that was barely a sound at all.

 

The ghost didn't pull his eyes from Ben. A small, almost boyish smile crept along his face which contrasted with the wisdom in his look. He nodded, and Ben’s heart began to jump as his memories of years spent praying to his grandfather’s black skull of a mask to turn himself dark cascaded into a single moment of unexpected shame and confusion as he was made aware of his own foolishness. He had waited for this very day for more than half of his life, but it was nothing like what he had ever envisioned. He did not expect to see this young man. He had always expected that the darkness would have been the part of him to live on, the part by which he had characterised his grandfather. How very wrong he had been. How ridiculous he felt.

 

“Why...” Ben tried again as his voice failed him. “Why now?”

 

Anakin said nothing, but instead turned away and took some paces forward silently. He looked as though his boots would make a sound on the floor, but they clearly weren't as solid as they looked. Ben followed closely behind until he saw what his grandfather had begun to watch intently. It was Rey. She was sitting, her eyes closed in deep concentration. Pieces of lightsaber... his grandfather’s lightsaber, were being pulled by her in circles and stitched back together. Ben was mesmerised as he watched her soundlessly. She wasn't present, at least, not in this corridor. Like the ghost, an element of her was somehow transparent. Ben was sure she was safe, doing this, somewhere else. Was this part of their force bond? Would she hear him? As if his thoughts had been registered by her, he thought he heard the slightest gasp escape her lips. His grandfather’s ghost had laid a hand on her shoulder.

 

Ben stared, transfixed by the scene of the lightsaber fast-fixing itself back into one, his past and his future connected by touch, and him watching this vision, questioning if it was all just a hallucination. He was unsure as to why, but a moment came when his grandfather’s eyes seemed to beckon him forward. He cautiously obeyed, coming to Anakin’s side. The strangest curiosity mixed with longing came over him, and he reached out to touch his grandfather’s arm, wondering if there would be any solid form to it at all. There wasn't. He was crafted from air. Yet, as if he were pulled in further by the touch, he came closer and closer, until he found himself standing directly within his grandfather’s ghost. It was like looking into a reflection, except that he was surrounded by it and he had become a part inside of it.

 

His emotions clarified. Tears swelled in his eyes, but these were not tears of grief or anger. It was release. It was understanding, and an acceptance that he had searched ceaselessly for, for the whole of his life. He closed his eyes and followed the path of his grandfather’s arm with his own, reaching in the same way to touch Rey’s shoulder.

 

I know where I belong, he said in his mind. I know who I am.

 

As soon as his palm reached Rey, the vision faded into nothing, and the ghost dematerialised. The warmth vanished, and a colder reality set back in.

 

Yet Ben did not feel cold. He was enlightened. He felt ... complete, even after so many years of struggle. He stood there, catching his breath. He removed his gloves and hurriedly wiped any traces of tears from his eyes.

 

Rey...

 

He knew where she was. He had to find her.

 

He swept back the way he had come, heading to his chambers. Just before he reached there, he turned around to look into the empty space of the corridor.

 

“Thank you.” He whispered, not knowing how else to express his gratitude to his ancestor.

 

He came to the door of his chambers and opened it, closing it swiftly behind him. He had never been so happy to see Rey, sitting there on his bed as if she could be there forever, her uniform discarded. He smiled for what he thought must have been the third time that day.

 

~ 

 

Rey had pulled her knees up to her chest, settling her chin atop of them as she gently rocked from side to side. She was good at waiting, she reminded herself. A master. She could wait here for years... Well, perhaps not quite literally, she amended - it was likely she'd be discovered and far sooner than a year. Far sooner, a day, perhaps if she was lucky...

She wiggled her toes in her socks - having discarded her boots, she watched the material flex with a soft sigh. Temptation called to her... She could feel them.... Laying there.... Deliciously calling to her. Narrowing her eyes, she slid them suspiciously towards the tray of fruit.

 

She grit her teeth, turning away, wrapping her arms around her legs tightly. No. Save them. Maybe just one... She stared at them once again. Surely he would enjoy them still if there was only one missing.... Her lips twisted to the side, considering. No! She dropped her knees, sitting so that the soles of her feet touched one another, settling her palms on the tops of her thighs. She could meditate...

 

It wasn't working. She was about to get to her feet - thinking perhaps if she walked around that it might help distract her. But she was excited. And nervous. Would he scold her for being so reckless, for coming here to his chambers? Perhaps. She was not certain how he would receive the saber. Most likely with a great deal more enthusiasm than how he had regarded the Jedi texts. Though she had been expecting that. At least with the sabre, it was something he had truly wanted for quite some time. And now, finally, it would be where it belonged. The prospect excited her.

 

The only thing she was not having doubts about was the delicious nature of the Odo berries. How could anyone possibly be angry when they had such a thing to nibble on?

 

She heard the door controls activate - suddenly realizing how absolutely stupid she'd been. What if it wasn't Ben? There wasn't enough time to dive over the other side of the bed, she froze her efforts as she recognized the figure filling the door frame, stepping in as the door closed behind him.

 

Her fears that he might have been upset with her disappeared as a smile curved his lips. Her heart skipped a beat. Temporarily stunned, she couldn't help but stare, her lips forming a smile that mirrored his own.

 

"Ben!" She blinked, tearing her eyes away from him. She felt a little embarrassed for having stared so blatantly, a faint blush blooming across her cheeks as she turned back to the punnet of berries, lifting them towards him with one hand almost desperate to create a distraction while patting the bed beside her with a great deal of enthusiasm.

 

"I brought you something back from Jira!" She scooted back a little to make room for him. Excitement had animated her like an electric shock, she could barely wait.

 

"They're Odo berries! My favorite!" She informed him, watching him intently for his reaction, hoping he would indulge her in trying them. All things considered, she'd managed to keep them relative fresh, the last of the punnets cooling capabilities only just beginning to fade.

 

~

 

_ "Ben!" _ She greeted warmly.

 

She presented him with a punnet of ripe, bountiful scarlet berries, while patting the space on the bed next to her. A gentle blush had spread over her cheeks. It was charming to him. Where had she got those berries? Ben was sure that he had seen this type of berry before, but not in many years. The First Order, while providing luxury for its Supreme Leader, would rarely allow something so sweet, so frivolous and wholesome to pass through its walls. How long had she been harbouring them? They were perfectly ripe. Had she denied herself their delights for his sake?

 

_ ‘I brought you something back from Jira!’ _

 

He came to her side and she shifted backward to allow room for him as he sat next to her. She was bubbling, like a flickering flame, he could feel it. He couldn't remember when he had felt so... loved.

 

_ ‘They're Odo berries! My favorite!’ _

 

Ah, yes. Odo berries. He hadn't seen them since childhood. He hadn't loved since childhood. She beamed up at him and he was entirely charmed, his own face lighting at her happiness in even the simplest of things. These berries, however, they were a treasure. Ben reached out, he had still removed his gloves from earlier. He plucked an especially large berry from the punnet, felt the smooth skin of it in his fingers before taking a bite. It was instant, sweet pleasure. He savoured every part of the texture, the taste, and he was thrown back to trying it for the first time as a boy. The part of his life before this moment when he knew happiness. Still with his parents, away from any shadows of doubt and away from Snoke. Yet this moment was even better, he reminded himself, because he was with her. Because he finally knew the truth.

 

“They're... perfect.” Ben said, his cheeks beginning to flush with his enjoyment and feeling so treated. How was Rey able to transform such small delights into complete joys? When was the last time he had been given a gift simply for his pleasure and not for any other kind of purpose, or for combat?

 

“Rey, thank you.” He exclaimed wholeheartedly, taking his precious time to finish the last of the berry.

 

From the way she gazed at the berries and his reaction, it felt entirely cruel to eat them in front of her, even if it was his gift. He took the next one and presented it to her.

 

“You must at least have some of them.” He pleaded her.

 

He knew that from this point onward, Odo berries would be his favourite too, and not just because he enjoyed them, but also because it would forever remind him of her, and this moment.

 

~

 

He sat down and she couldn't take her eyes off of him. It was dangerous, allowing this to happen - a warning unspoken, just a feeling in the back of her mind. One easily ignored as the distance between them decreased, Ben sitting where she had gestured for him. As if her joy was contagious, he seemed to reflect a portion of it back at her. It seemed only to magnify the intensity of her own. She'd never seen him look anything quite like this before, plagued always with an enduring intensity. But just now, as he plucked one of the berries from the tray and popped it into his mouth - he had softened. He looked younger, somehow. As if for a moment the weight of the world was lessened. It was overwhelmingly intoxicating. As if for just this space in time, he filled the entire galaxy - there was no space for worry, no anxiety about the future, no well-placed paranoia.... Just him.

 

If she could preserve this... His expression, his delight so apparent... If she could save this moment... She couldn't think of a single thing that she wouldn't sacrifice if it meant he would never have to feel the burdens that taxed him. If she could help him carry those burdens, she promised herself that she would do it.

 

_ ‘They're... perfect.’ _

 

She settled the tray on the bed, drawing her legs up, crossing them and gripped her ankles as if the firm contact might help her to contain her excitement as she watched him. She was beaming, shamelessly in her victory of bringing him a delight.

 

_ ‘Rey, thank you.’ _

 

"No 'thank you' required!" To see him enjoying something was thanks enough. More than enough. It was a treasure, one that she would lock away in her memories so that she might re-examine it later at her own leisure.

 

_ ‘You must have at least some of them.’ _

 

He lifted one from the tray, holding it out to her. She felt her breath hitch in her chest. She looked at the berry for a long moment - she had promised herself she'd save them for him... And yet... It was alright if he had offered it.... She made a small noise of defeat, reaching out to take it from him, bare fingertips brushing against his as she gently took the berry from him, careful not to burst it. Her cheeks flushed again, the tips of her ears growing warm as she took the little fruit away, hesitating one second longer, fixing him with a look, signs of her intense determination written across her features.

 

"Just the one." She said, more for her own benefit than his own. She had brought them for him, after all.

 

She admired it's red flesh before she popped it into her mouth. The moment the sweet juice hit her tongue, her eyes fell closed - a pleased half hummed mewl of pleasure escaping her as she savored the flavor, swaying slightly as she let herself become lost to the decadence of the berry. As a child, she'd only ever been able to dream of something as tasty as this!

 

It was over too soon, however, finally consigning herself to swallow the rest of the berry, she sat up a little straighter, her shoulders tilting forwards as she drew a breath - the glint of excitement in her eyes.

 

"One more present!" She had been tempted to leave it there, tucked under his pillow for him to find later but she was hopeless... And horribly selfish - a glutton for his delight, not wanting to miss a single moment of it. It would appear that she was a dreadful keeper of surprises. She leaned back, sliding her hand under the pillow, retrieving the object carefully, keeping it tucked behind her back and out of sight.

 

"Close your eyes... And give me your hand." She commanded, scooting closer towards him. She fixed him with a look that suggested he had better not deny her. She waited for a moment for him to close his eyes, pausing to admire him before she realized he had lifted his hand. Blinking, she shook her head gently taking the lightsaber from behind her back, placing it in his palm before curling his fingers over the hilt with her own. How warm his hand felt in her own...

 

"It's finally home." She murmured softly, reluctantly taking her hands away. She clasped them together as if to keep the sensation sealed against her skin.

 

"You can open your eyes now!" She added, head tilting gently to one side, excited to see his expression as he saw her final surprise.

 


	28. Chapter 28

 

When he watched her eat, there was no doubt in his mind that she had dearly loved these berries, and that it had taken much of her resolve to give them over to him. He was undoubtedly glad, therefore, that she had taken one for herself, he was utterly satisfied in watching her enjoy the taste as much as he had done. When she had finished, her eyes lit with further excitement. It only continued to lift his spirits.

 

_ ‘One more present!’ _

 

Ben raised an eyebrow. Her hand slid under his pillow. Was this what he thought it was? What he had been shown?

 

_ ‘Close your eyes... And give me your hand.’ _

 

Ben could have chuckled at how youthful they had become. How this was a child’s game, but the look she gave him was more than enough to encourage him to obey her, however silly it seemed. After all, why should they not be like children when both of their childhoods had hardly any time to blossom and simply be enjoyed? He felt her guide his hand to a metallic, cylindrical object and he knew. It was as he had seen. She had fixed it. Her hands closed over his.

 

_ ‘It's finally home.’ _ She confirmed before slowly drawing them away.

 

_ ‘You can open your eyes now!’ _ She added to Ben’s amusement, and, once more, he obeyed her. He looked down to see the object in its completion.

 

She was truly clever to have done this. Only by her will and his acceptance had Anakin been able to rise with the fixing of his lightsaber. Ben could tell she was watching for his reaction and he could only stare at it in wonder. He had wanted to hold it for so long. It was surreal, not only to hold it again, but for her to give it to him as a gift, and with those berries. The day on starkiller base that he had fought her for it seemed a lifetime ago. How things had changed... how he had changed.

 

It wasn't just the lightsaber that had found its home. It was Ben too, who had found his heart. Still, surely he couldn't accept this. She had earned it... she had used it well, she had fixed it, it had chosen her, it surely belonged with her...

 

“I can't believe you fixed it...” He exclaimed in wonder, turning it over to observe it and reaching his other hand to hers. “Rey... this is...” his voice failed him. He couldn't believe this time had come, not in his wildest dreams. “It’s incredible...” he clarified.

 

Should he tell her that he had seen Anakin? That his grandfather had lifted any pressure that Snoke and himself had ever put on him to become Darth Vader? That he had shown Ben Rey’s image, fixing the weapon?

 

“Rey, I can't thank you enough.”

 

She beamed even brighter than before. Ben looked at the lightsaber again.

 

Was he really doing this?

 

Yes. He was finally able to let go because of what Anakin had shown him. He was his own legacy now, with nothing but his heart to influence him. It meant so much for her to present the lightsaber to him, yet he felt he had not earned it. Still, the last thing he wanted was to appear ungrateful.

 

“But...” He said aloud, trying to finalise his decision in his mind after so many years. “This... should belong to you.” He looked her in the eyes and his hand rested on her knee. “This called to you. This helped you. Now you've fixed it...” he trailed off, waiting for what she would do, what she would say.

 

She waited, leaning forward slightly with her eyes fixed to his features - searching intently for the signs of his reaction. She had not quite expected him to be so... Well, he was stunned! Staring down at the hilt wordlessly. She shifted, anxious for a sign that she'd made the right choice. She found herself holding her breath, eyes roaming his features.

 

_ ‘I can't believe you fixed it…’ _

 

She was nervous, already she found herself desperate to explain. She was about to launch into the telling of the process - how the Force had guided her, how she could feel each and every piece, the slight vibration of energies far older than she and how they had locked together finally in perfect harmony. She could have told him about the hundreds of times she'd tried to fix it before huddled on her little craft with the pieces spread out before her and how she couldn't quite make it work, how many times she'd put her hands over the many intricate inner workings of the hilt but how it had never yielded any results. Her hands and her mind working together but it hadn't been enough. She could have told him how frustrated she'd become, accidentally scattering the pieces as she'd stood up, the way she'd had to unscrew the grating to collect a missing screw or a tiny bolt.

 

Not until now. What could have changed, she wasn't certain - other than perhaps now that she had wanted to restore it... Not for her own uses, not as a directive from Leia to use if it had come to it to cut down her own son - not that she would have been able to, of that much she was certain. But for him, for Ben. How it had taken more than just her own self to accomplish this feat- it was the Force itself that had helped her to repair it. The Force and something else... She wanted to tell him about the presence she had felt - guiding and calm. She'd felt at ease once she'd recovered from her initial surprise.

 

It was never hers to wield - she had not, in her perception, earned the right to carry such a device. Lightsabers were a Jedi's life, one of their great responsibilities. And in the hands of one taken to the Dark Side, they were incredibly powerful extensions of one's will. But she... She was neither of the Light Side that the defined the Jedi nor was she a true disciple of the Dark Side. She was just Rey. A scavenger girl who had journeyed far from where she was born, set adrift in a narrative in which she'd had no place... And for all the suffering and loss she had experienced along the way - a price for what she had found... It had all been worth it.

 

However, the touch of his hand on her own had silenced her, she looked down at their interlaced fingers, a soft smile on her lips. The place where she belonged, that is what she had found.

 

_ ‘Rey, this is... It's incredible.’ _

 

She was pleased beyond the power of words to express. Instead of speaking, she moved until she was sitting beside him, one leg tucked up, the other hanging over the edge of the bed where it swung back and forth as if she might possibly be able to vent some of her excitement - as if her joy was far too much to keep contained within her frame. She allowed herself to lean against his arm, settling his hand that was twined with her own in her lap.

 

_ ‘Rey, I can't thank you enough.’ _

 

She lifted her face towards his, a wide smile dawning on her lips as she rested her head against his shoulder. She could have stayed here forever. If only their circumstances could allow it. Still, that was a problem for another time, she didn't want anything to ruin this moment.

 

_ ‘But, this... Should belong to you. This called to you. This helped you. Now you've fixed it…’ _

 

Her eyes widened in surprise. She had not expected that he wouldn't wish to keep it. Her lips parted, trying to speak but her words were failing her. She frowned slightly, staring down at her sock clad foot. She didn't know what to say. Her mind was still warring with the belief that it was his. She had no ill feelings on that matter - she was quite happy to dispatch her foes with a staff as she'd always done. More than that, it was a piece of his family - a part of his family that he had actually wanted, that he'd searched for... How could she dream of taking that away from him? Her heart struggled with another matter altogether. She'd never been given anything, let alone something that was of a such immeasurable value such as this. How could she possibly...?

 

"Ben, I-" She stumbled over her own words, lifting her gaze towards his. A sharp electronic sound made her jump - a static haze before the coms unit in her vambrace came to life - a call for troop formation on C Deck for a formal announcement. She leaned forward, staring down at the pieces of her armor with dismay. With a heavy sigh, she forced herself to move. It felt only marginally easier than before - because something felt... Different this time. It felt... Right. And something this right, this natural... They would find a way to make their way back to one another. as the pieces of the lightsaber had fit together. It was a feeling she could not explain but it helped to warm the numbness left in the wake of her interactions with Hux on Jira. As assured as she was the the waves of that vast ocean inevitably returned to the shore - and for that reason alone she found the strength to stand. She offered him a small smile, hoping that he would feel it, too.

 

Then she froze, eyes wide.

 

"Oh!" She seized the zipper head of her spacesuit, yanking it down without thinking - baring the top of her chest as she slipped her hand beneath the black fabric, fishing free the communicator device she'd hidden carefully in her underpinnings.

 

"I can't take this with me - in case inspections is called in our quarters. Will you hide it here?" She handed it to him, hopefully the Supreme Leader's quarters were truly sovereign, that no one would dare come in to rifle about in his possessions. It glowed faintly with a steady pulse not unlike her heartbeat, still warm from where it had been pressed to her chest. He would have to take it Vorkenna, being the one person who would be able to bypass a security search if it came to it and she would have to retrieve it from him once they were safely on the planet.

 

She hastened to zip up her suit, grabbing the pieces of her armor and quickly slipping into them - she was getting better at it. She remembered the first times she'd tried to get into the uniform and it had taken entirely too long - she'd spent hours practicing in her room at Lil's until she could get dressed quickly enough to pass official standard. The communicator was blaring - demanding acknowledgement. She activated the response beacon, to send her receival of the orders. It was time to go play soldier, once again. She paused, gloved hand hooking lightly at the back of Ben's neck, leaning down to place her forehead against his. She didn't think she could offer him a verbal farewell. It wasn't, after all - she hoped there would never have to be one again.

 

Finally, she straightened, withdrawing so that she could put her helmet into place and she made to slip out the door, watching the arc of the camera so she could time herself to get to the lift without being seen…

 

~

 

She appeared puzzled, in disbelief even, and Ben supposed that it could only be expected since she knew Ben had spent much of the time he had known her persistently searching and fighting for it. Yet in the end, what did it truly mean? What did it represent? Anakin had shown him the truth: The lightsaber was the balance between them; the handle physically torn apart by their conflict. It represented the legacy of Anakin Skywalker, a legacy that Ben had realised he would much rather be given to somebody who had spread hope and light instead of fear and darkness in the galaxy, to the person who had brought even him to his knees on multiple occasions, to the very one who had somehow found the power to revive his heart.

 

_ ‘Ben, I-’ _

 

He would not know her answer, as she was cut off by a transmission summoning her to the C Deck for a formal announcement, what Ben presumed Hux was spreading about Vorkenna. He cursed silently. It seemed inevitable that the closer and stronger they grew together, the more determined the world around them had become to separate them. Still, Ben did not despair. He could feel a shift since his epiphany, since his meeting with Anakin and finding Rey his chamber so soon after they had left each other. It was natural; for just as nothing could currently prevent them being separated, he was sure that no power in the galaxy could prevent them from joining again soon after. A perfect balance, a cycle that had been established. The return of a morning star to a planet after a night of darkness. She smiled. Her smile was a promise. The promise of what he knew already.

 

Rey started, pulling him away from his daze as she unzipped her suit. Ben blinked in slight confusion and bewilderment as she rummaged in her underpinnings before she revealed the communicator device. He supposed she had to hide it somewhere.

 

_ ‘I can't take this with me - in case inspections is called in our quarters. Will you hide it here?’ _

 

Of course, there wasn't much choice for the two of them in the matter concerning either the communicator or Anakin’s lightsaber. Ben would undoubtedly have to keep both. He, of course, agreed, taking the communicator in one hand, keeping the lightsaber in the other. What a scenario this was: to hold his grandfather’s weapon in one hand, and the only way to speak to his mother in the other. He felt a sudden and strange temptation to find a way in which he could speak to Leia himself. A sensation rather like the urge to jump of a cliff while standing at the edge of it. It was only a fantasy. Even if it were possible for him to be the one to do it, his mother might not hear him. She would hear Rey. He was sure of that much. If only Rey could have been her daughter, Ben felt deep inside himself that she would have done better than he ever could have done, been better than he ever could have been.

 

Would he ever talk to his mother again?

 

He should have come to terms with the answer to that question long ago, but he couldn't. When the time came... it was one thing that he couldn't give to the dark side. Not after Han. Not after he realised that it did not free him from the pain.

 

He watched her zip up her suit and fit together her armour with some surprisingly swift movements before giving word that she would be present on Deck C shortly. Ben had turned back to face the objects on his lap, when his attention was drawn to her once again when he felt her hand brush on the back of his neck, her forehead lowering to meet his. They had said goodbye too many times and this was made different by Ben’s belief that he was sure she shared: they were destined. Destined to meet again, destined to continue their journey. He closed his eyes, leant into the feeling of her...

 

It would never be easy to shut off his feelings after she drew away. It was difficult before, but from this point onward, it would be much harder, far more difficult than it had ever been. The awakening of his heart would make him vulnerable. At least he was aware of the fact. At least his mind, his intentions, were finally starting to clarify after so many years of blind confusion.

 

His limbs were heavy as he watched her pull on her helmet and head out of the door, somehow as lithe as a cat, even in the armour.

 

What to do next? Should he join the officers again? He was sorely tempted to stay hidden away. To simply listen, and wait until he was called upon. The fabric of time itself had seemed to shift with all the realisations of that day. It was a dream shortly cascading into a nightmare due to Hux’s effections before rising to a dream once more with the appearance of Anakin, with Rey’s sweet surprises.

 

Ben stood up from the bed. He slid open his drawers, took one lingering look at the communicator before burying it. He would have to smuggle it later to Vorkenna, which should hardly be much of a struggle. Then there was the lightsaber. He turned it in his hands. It was heavier than he imagined it. He was simply too curious to resist. He ignited the dazzling cobalt beam and let it fizz in the air for some seconds. The beam that had split him in half. The beam that he had gazed at in awe. What Luke once held. What Ben had been shown at the temple. Before it all came burning down...

 

Why was he thinking of it again? Why couldn't he pull the sensation of the splattering rain and the shadowed figures at his sides from his mind?

 

He quickly de-activated the lightsaber, as if wary of the power and the memories it held. As if it would bring him back to that place... He gently laid it at the back of his clothes, in the dark. Then, after closing the panels took some paces back. He tried to accept that he wasn't Kylo Ren. Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year's Eve!!! <3


	29. Chapter 29

She made good time. Incredibly good time, actually. She was pleased with herself for getting to know the layout of The Ordinance so quickly, having discovered a couple of shortcuts already. She had to give credit, the induction videos had been quite thorough! When she hit the lower corridors, there were hundreds of other squadrons grouping together and waiting to file into the presentation hall. Officers were screaming commands at the squad leaders - directing them into position on the vast smooth floor. It had been polished to gleaming perfection - each battalion of stormtroopers reflected on the floor.

 

Before them was a rather magnificent stage and all at once Rey understood why it was that some of the mercenaries that had made transit through Jira had referred to it as a theater of war. Or, at least, she thought so - what else could possibly match this kind of pageantry? While she'd never been to a playhouse, some of the Twi'lek girls had, much of their dance and song skills had originated from a time on stage. They had described the stages they had performed on, but this...

 

None, she figured, could have been as grand as this. The ceiling was deceptively high, she was in the middle of trying to wrap her head around where on the ship they were exactly from a blueprint perspective - where the ceilings could be so high without causing disruption when CS-9874 had found her - the others trailing after her. With a rather rough shove, Rey found herself being pushed into the room. Each step, she fought the urge to look down, wondering if her boots would leave marks. Perhaps that was the purpose of the room - its majesty to project inferiority and unworthiness upon the lower ranks.

 

It was with some degree of concern that she realized they were approaching the stage. Thick crimson curtains hung along the far wall - a giant banner of the First Order emblem behind the podium - a row of officers had already taken their place on either side of the stage like dark wings on a bird of prey. They were, she admitted somewhat begrudgingly, impressive in their uniforms and rigid posture.

 

CS-9874 stopped them right in the center of the room, snapping to the side, her body becoming stiffer than a command staff as she shouted at them to get into formation. Rey didn't like this - it felt like they were being singled out again. Her eyes darted between the two massive screens either side of the stage. What would they play next? Or was this something else? She relaxed only marginally when she had recalled Ben's explanation of the planet they were claiming as capital. Still, she could not stop the growing paranoia as she stood with her shoulders squared and chin tilted upwards. CS-9874 growled one more order and the rest of the squadron took one step back in perfect unison leaving her standing right next to CS-9874 who turned face to the stage.

 

Rey swallowed hard - eyeing the squads along the rest of the front row. Squad leaders and the next in charge stood in front of the rest of the squad. As if she could read her mind, Cs-9874 sighed.

 

"The powers that be have deemed you to be worthy of a raise in your station. I don't approve, clearly. You're scum, a disease in our Order!" She whispered. Rey could only gawk behind her mask - what in the hells? Maybe because of the texts she'd 'found'?

 

"We have been training hard while you've been traipsing about. Yet, you cannot be allowed to be our weakest link. I've booked you six hours in the training gymnasium and firing range, you've got a lot of catching up to do and this should be a good start." CS-9874 sounded ridiculously pleased with herself. Rey could only stand and listen quietly. Who on earth would have authorized that? And when?

 

"The rest of the squad has won the lottery for use of the rec room. You won't be joining us. You may report to the sleeping quarters when you're finished." Rey had to think for a moment having lost track of what time it actually was but CS was right - it was nearing the time for everyone to turn in for the night. Most of the troopers would likely be returning to light posts before bed. But six hours? She closed her eyes, she was exhausted.... CS-9874 must had filed for exception to allow Rey to be out of quarters after their usual designated schedule. Whoever had passed it must have been equally unimpressed with her as CS-9874 had been.

 

This was her punishment, in so far as CS-9874 was capable. Even with a small promotion Rey was still at her mercy as far as the First Order's hierarchy was concerned. Her mind kept repeating 'six hours?' with dismay, she was already tired from all that had transpired on Jira and the fact she had not slept since before the away mission... Was it too late to apologize for winning their little fight? She rather suspected that it would be. Life was going to be hell...

 

It wasn't long at all before a sharp tone blasted through the presentation theater and all the troopers as one stood in a sharp salute as the General took to the stage. She hoped she blended in, being only a few feet away from the man made her nervous. When she closed her eyes she could see his staggering step towards her, glass shard in hand... She moved almost imperceptibly, trying to straighten up even further - willing herself to be invisible amongst the others.

 

As always, he was an impassioned speaker. She could feel the excitement amongst the other troopers raising to a feverish pitch. They had held Vorkenna for some time - it's position was vital. It had been selected to be the first of the official planets that would be pledging itself entirely to the First Order. Local landowners would be swearing fealty to the Supreme Leader and abdicating any ownership or authority they possessed. Her attention wandered... To the plans, what the evening might hold... Beside her, she could feel tension running through CS-9874 as though she were the string on a instrument wound too tightly. Was it hostile tension or was she merely pleased that they would all be boots down on a new planet with something to raise their morale? A banquet? Ball? The words meant nothing to Rey but they seemed to inspire a great deal of joy in the others.

 

Finally the speech had concluded and the troops began to move out. CS-9874 caught Rey's arm at the last moment, sharply reminding her where to go. Rey knew that she said 'the gymnasium' but her tone had made it sound like she intended different words entirely. Snapping her a slightly slow salute, a lingering flick of her fingers betraying her irritation at the squad leader, she moved in the opposite direction as the others... It was going to be a long night, she thought to herself. Were she a lesser woman, she might have found herself crying out of exhaustion and dismay at the mere thought of training.

 

Her thoughts of simply finding a supply cupboard to duck into and nap for six

hours were dashed to pieces as her vambrace lit up - a timer display showing six hours, blinking in red along the length of her armor piece. To make it worse, she had begun beeping. There could be no sneaking for her - each beep sounded impossibly loud, echoing off the empty hallways as she made her way to the training deck. It wasn't until she'd pushed through the doors of the gymnasium that the beeping had stopped and the numbers went from red to green and began to count down. She pondered for a moment, turning back around - meaning to push open the doors to leave but the controls blinked an angry red - the timer on her vambrace blinked as if to mock her. She would be trapped here, then, until she'd complied with CS-9874's orders.

 

She drew a deep breath - the worst part of training here was that, much like all things for the grunts, they were expected to do so in their armor. After all, they did not fight or function outside of their gear except to sleep or to attend to hygiene and so they had to know how to use it... Officers, at least, were allowed to do their training in fatigues - most of them did not require armor because they never saw the heat of battle, commanding from afar... Still, the thought gave her an idea. She slipped off her glove so she could use her finer motor skills to try to unclasp her vambrace. The effort rewarded her with high pitched beeping until she ceased her efforts. Command locked armor... She stared down at in dismay. That was a problem. Given enough time with a well-rested mind, she might have been able to work a way around it but currently, the thought of that beeping going off again was enough to defeat her. With a heavy sigh, she shoved her glove back on.

 

She set herself into a slow jog, planning to warm up with a couple laps of the gymnasium. It was... woefully deserted. Everyone fortunate enough not to have made enemies of their squadron leader must have been designated elsewhere or fortunate enough to be allowed to turn in for the night. She found herself envious of them - faceless hundreds of other souls who didn't have a vengeful CS-9874 looking for ways to make them miserable.

 

~

 

There was nothing that Hux liked better than to excite and amaze a crowd with his words. His hangover having died down, he was determined to reap what enjoyment he could from this next announcement. The stage was a place where his deep insecurities, his doubts and the loathing of himself and the galaxy around him could be replaced with the clear admiration and worship of thousands. This was a place where even Ren’s shadow could not be cast over him. A simple area in which his pride could shine, unchallenged. This was what he was born to do. This was why he should be the Supreme Leader, why he deserved it.

 

He was aware that KR-0117 must have been watching with the rest of them. This was his chance to show her, he was not that pathetic boy that he had let slip to her, and he was not a man who had lost control of himself thanks to some large helpings of whiskey. He was a man of power and she would see it. Why did he care so much for what she thought? Standing on the vast stage in the very centre, his voice echoing across the room, he was reminded of just how the ranks of the Order were supposed to work, how KR-0117 was one of hundreds, and she was additionally in that squadron that Ren had put onboard for no justifiable reason. Hux should care less about the girl than about a stain on his boots. So why could he not pull his thoughts from the previous night when he had confessed his weaknesses and ambitions to her? He knew the answer was in the question. He had not done such a thing to anyone. She hadn't even ridiculed him for it. She'd listened. She’d even defended him, -first from the woman who had flirted with him and secondly from the manager. She was different... she had a name...

 

He pushed these absurd ideas away to just concentrate on the thrill he got from standing up there in front of the ship and the words he simply had to deliver. He was about to reach the part that he knew would get the biggest reaction. This was not to be expected from the first order. No doubt it was a further consequence of Ren’s making the First Order human nonsense.

 

“To celebrate this event, a day that will mark the course of history and begin a new age, a ball will be held...” the slightest hum of excitement could be heard, which was extremely rare for the Order, though Hux supposed that this particular occasion would never be known again, “on Vorkenna, for which, every one of you will attend.”

 

The hum hadn't quite dissipated, but he was quick to continue and the silence would soon follow as he clarified some of those arrangements.

 

His mention of the ball had unfortunately lead him back to thinking about KR-0117, or, should he call her Yera? No, he told himself. He should not... he should surely not call her by a name. Yet he thought she ought to have a name if she had given herself one. Would he see her at the ball? His mind continued to be filled with near blasphemous images of how beautiful she might look. Damn it, what was wrong with him? Had he simply denied himself too much of what he desired in favour of patience that it had driven him to this? This incessant hunger for any kind of beauty he could find alongside his hunger for Ren’s power? He would have to get something to satisfy him one way or another.

 

He was almost reluctant to leave the stage, to leave a place where he felt... seen. Appreciated... adored, even. Still, it meant he could get back to his plans before he had left for Jira. The problem of the patrol fleet...

 

He considered the location, gathering all the files from that incident on his data pad. This would be yet another puzzle he was determined to solve. Still, if it took his mind off Yera and the humiliation of Jira, then it sufficed just fine. There wasn't much to discover. They hardly knew anything. Hux began to wonder through other, less significant reports candidly. Petty criminals, pirates, stifled protests, disappearing children, the conquest of new stars, arms plans, disappearing children... again. Then a third time, and once again- a fourth time.

 

Hux frowned. Just exactly how many incidents of disappearances and children stolen from their homes were there? And, more importantly... why?

 

He flicked through his data pad, delving further into different reports and sightings. A correlation. There had to be a correlation...

 

It was a reminder. A ghost from the past. The Order was built on stolen children. Hux couldn't afford to take his mind back to that place. He realised he had grown tense, more stiff than he usually was. He told himself to breathe, to forget. To only remember when he had been given power over them all. When the army was finally made his own to command. The peace that he had only discovered through pain. The rule that he had established through cruelty.

 

Hux knew he was simply finding distractions. He drew his eyes away from the reports, partly for his own peace of mind. He needn't know of such things. As soon as he had enjoyed a minute of silence, his wandering thoughts drew back to Yera, the very person he had tried to distract himself from. No, he told himself, not the name: “Yera”. The code: KR-0117. The code, he reminded himself, not the name.

 

He was about to try and focus on the patrol fleet once again, when he noticed a code in the corner of one of his tabs: KR-0117.

 

She was being tracked, and was currently doing rounds in the gym. Shouldn't she be in her room? He realised that this was likely to catch up on what she had missed on the trip to Jira. He pressed his lips together. Why was he even considering it? Why was he even entertaining the thought that he could ask her to the ball?

 

He laid down his data pad.

 

He couldn't believe he had gone mad, and yet...

 

His boots clipped in the corridors. He didn't think, but was merely led, as if he were being pulled along. The door to the gym lay ahead. As if he were a missile about to hit its target, he marched forward, only to stumble straight into the towering form of Kylo Ren.

 

It hadn't taken Ben long to realise where she was. He had just missed the end of the announcement. Peering from behind the stage, he watched in silence as the others began to file out. He managed to pinpoint the position of her squadron as they too, began to follow the rest out of the main doors like a shoal of white fish. The squadron leader took the arm of the soldier beside her. Ben knew that soldier to be Rey. His blood boiled and his teeth grit together as he found it exceedingly difficult to resist some kind of intervention. After Rey’s fight with the woman... he couldn't feel comfortable in his own skin watching them talk like that.

 

After another agonising second and they also left, but Ben kept his eyes on Rey, and watched as she headed in the opposite direction from the others. Where was she going?

 

He couldn't follow her. It would be the most suspicious and attention-seeking thing that he could do. There were officers everywhere. Hux stepped down the back of the stage past the red curtains, still aglow from having delivered his grand announcement. Ben hid himself away in the shadows, a clear signal for any watching officers to leave him be. Hux didn't even seem to notice him, his attention already drawn to his data pad. Did that man ever stop working? Ben could give him credit for that at least.

 

Where had Rey gone? He forced himself to stay still for another five minutes. Then he edged in her direction, meandering as if to present himself as having no ulterior motive for going that way. He lingered in the space outside for what seemed like hours, simply surveying the coming of night in the Ordinance, coming closer and closer to the gym door. Finally, he found himself on the edge of the metallic wall outside. Rey must have been exhausted if she was in there training, as his feelings had told him. Perhaps he could somehow make it easier for her? He was sure that Hux wouldn't see him. Even if he broke his promise from before Jira, he seemed too wrapped up in the business of the event and his long day after the hangover from the night before. It was a risk, but she had done so much for him, and the two had taken a large number of risks already. Ben turned. He lowered his gaze to the floor and neared the door...

 

Before Hux practically fell straight into him.

 

Ben took a step back. Hux was a mirror; he looked just as shocked as Ben felt.

 

“What are you DOING here?!” Hux barked at him.

 

Ben scowled. Just running into Hux had already set him fuming. He had as much of an explanation to be there as the General had. Hux surely couldn't be so hypocritical as to think that he could escape questioning himself?

 

“I could ask the same of you.” Ben responded as calmly as he could.

 

The General opened his mouth, but his jaw just hung open cluelessly, as if he had forgotten how to speak.

 

“I-it... I...uh...”

 

It was rare for Hux to be so speechless. Ben raised an eyebrow and squared his shoulders, making himself even taller, taking advantage from this rare sign of weakness.

 

“You know, I could just... look inside...” Ben threatened in a soft growl raising his fingers to Hux’s red hair. “It wouldn't take much.” Ben continued. “Just the smallest lapse in even the workings of your mind-“

 

Hux grew as red as the Odo berries Rey had brought him.

 

“D-don't you dare!” He snarled, and he took some paces back, as if somehow the physical distance would prevent Ben from doing such a thing.

 

Ben, of course, did not want to do anything of that sort.

 

“Turn around and walk away.” Ben ordered him.

 

Hux’s nostrils flared. His pale complexion remained entirely scarlet.

 

“... no.” Hux snapped. “not until you tell me why YOU are here!”

 

Ben sighed. This wouldn't be easy. Both of them stood there, entirely without an explanation as to why they had found themselves at this spot at the same time. Ben wasn't a fool. There was one common denominator in all of this- and it was Rey.

 

“I don't owe you answers.” Ben groaned, lifting his chin. “But I am your Supreme Leader, and you will tell me why you are here, either willingly or unwillingly.”

 

Hux’s hands became shaking fists. He looked as if steam could tumble out of his ears.

 

“Fine.” He snarled through grit teeth. Every word was venom. “If you really must know.” He avoided Ben’s look as if it would save him the embarrassment. Ben knew what was coming, and he would never be able to express how deeply he dreaded it. “KR-0117 is in there...” Hux concluded with clear shame, as if he were a guilty child. “...I was going to ask if she would join me at the ball.”

 

It was exactly what Ben had guessed. He resisted the deep urge to raise his hands to his face or to scream. At least he didn't mean her harm, he comforted himself. For once his intentions did not appear to be to serve any kind of vile or murderous purpose. Still, everything inside of him resisted the idea of Hux going in there to meet her. Yet here the General was, with an explanation that Ben himself could not possess. Ben couldn't stop a deep sigh escaping from his lips.

 

“... best of luck, then.” He grumbled, taking a step away from the gym door to allow Hux to pass through.

 

The General stared at him in confusion and seething hatred, that Ben could even sense through the force itself. It burned up his insides. Ben avoided the weight of Hux’s look and waited for him to pass into the gym before cursing himself with all the anger and frustration he had left from that exchange. Rey would have to wait. It was far too suspicious a time. Hux had seen him standing there and Ben couldn't take the risk. Still, to put Rey in his hands, once again! He was awful to allow such a thing to happen twice. As trapped as he felt, he was sure that it was nothing compared to what Rey would be faced with; Ben had let a tiger into the cage with her... and for a second time…


	30. Chapter 30

Her boots echoed in the gym. One, two... One, two... One foot in front of the other. She fit four steps into a single square in the patterning of the floor, a faint line separating the nearly imperceptible edges of the giant tiles sealed beneath a smooth finish. 900 squares in length, 150 across... A solitary figure making laps around the room. She didn't mind, truth be told - the relative impression of privacy was a relief after her run in with CS-9874 and having to stand still before the fervid General. She'd looked for Ben during Hux's speech but had not seen him. She could not blame him, after his last public speech had been made into the lead-in for their embarrassment...

 

Anytime she'd been tempted to stop, to slow down and recover - her vambrace had begun to beep as if to urge her to continue. She realized it was all tied into her heart rate. It had thrown her original plain down the proverbial rubbish chute. The obstacle course had been calling her name, drawing her gaze each time she passed around it. She had wanted to climb it in spite of the restrictive nature of the armor - to sit atop the highest point and rest out of the sight of the cameras. Yet, with the incessant beeping, she was not likely to get any enjoyment out of anything in the six hour block she'd been locked into this gymnasium.    
  
She was grateful this technology had not seemed to exist outside of the extremely advanced Ordinance. Likely, such methods were necessary to ensure even scheduling. An effective way of restricting access and siphoning manpower where it was desired without having to physically micromanage the troops. Why bother with personal interaction when you could simply send it all through the devices in their vambraces? How Finn survived in such an unforgiving and inhuman environment, she didn't know but she certainly felt as though they should have a long talk about it when she next saw him...

 

Begrudgingly, she'd consigned herself to do some running. An hour's worth, of which she had completed nearly forty minutes. Then she'd go do some weights work - quite enjoying the notion of seeing how much she could possibly lift. She had almost missed the harder more physical aspects of scavenging. It had made her feel strong. Then maybe the firing range... She would loved to have spent the last hour stretching, doing a proper cool down but she'd have to find other means of occupying the extra hours... The mere thought of it was enough to challenge her will. She was so tired....

 

One, two - one, two! She quickened her pace - deciding that if she was going to be forced to do this, she may as well make it count. She pushed through her initial exhaustion, feeling almost giddy from the endorphins released from her exertion. The giddiness turned from elation to her quickly being overwhelmed as her mind pushed through the barrier of dread, til she had adjusted to the running and her mind had begun to travel back over the events of the last several days. Bouncing frantically from the past to the future - she also tried to imagine her conversation with Leia. What she might say... As though her thoughts were keeping time with her legs, her mind tried to pull into too many different directions. Her heart rate was getting faster and faster, lungs burning. Her throat dry as she pulled frantic breaths in between her lips. Too fast...

 

It was too much.... Too much! She came to an abrupt stop, nearly tripping over her own feet, driven to her knees as she threw her hands down to brace herself. She tried to slow her breathing, to let her heart return to a maintainable pace but the beeping had returned. She pushed herself up, tried to jog again, just a couple more steps! Her legs felt like they were on fire, a ruthless competition with her chest to see which would give out first. She leaned forward, hands bracing on her leg plates just above the knees. 

 

She squeezed her eyes shut, lips moving, mumbling quietly - begging the vambrace to shut up! J-just... She drew a deep breath, body trembling, stomach churning. She screamed - a wordless howl as she vented her frustration, her exhaustion, the uncertainty, her rage... Everything! She reached up, ripping her helmet off and hurled it with as much might as she could muster - it sailed across the gym. If it broke, she knew there would be consequences but as it slid along the floor towards the door that had denied her exit, she couldn't make herself care. Not truly. She was losing it... She'd held everything in for far too long... Too much! TOO MUCH! The frantic thought echoed in her head, a keening distress beacon and her weariness was serving only to magnify her distress.

 

She made her way over to the drinking fountain, slamming down the button that made the water flow- she shoved her face into it without much dignity, sucking in as much water as she could - a task made a lot more difficult on account of she couldn't seem to stop herself from sobbing, half strangling herself with panicked gasps as she choked on the water she desperately needed. She braced herself against the fountain for a moment before something occurred to her...

 

She straightened, setting her jaw as her chest continued to shudder with trapped sobs she kept sealed in - only barely - behind tightly pressed lips. She strode towards the training weapons, eyes falling towards the shock-baton that LK had used to deliver her most inglorious moment of taking a direct hit to her head. Maybe.... She bit her lower lip as she pulled it free from the rack, preparing to activate it. Desperate as a wild creature caught in a hunter's snare, frantic enough to attempt to proverbially gnawing through her own limb. She dashed the tears away from her cheeks with the back of her hand, bracing her feet shoulder width apart. Maybe she could short it out... She made the rough motion, extending the baton and twisting it around until the sound of it's electric arcs coming to life assaulted her ears.

 

Her heart rate was accelerating, the beeping ironically stopping as she tried to mentally prepare herself. She was committed to the madness in spite of the fleeting strands of reason trying to dissuade her. It was going to hurt. A lot. Her chest plate heaved, adrenaline spurring her onward as she crossed over to the sparring ring, bracing her left arm against the corner post.

 

"Okay.... Okay, Rey.... You can do this! You can do this... Just... A few solid hits..." She whispered to herself, pulling the baton back. It was going to be hard to get enough of a swing on it to really transfer through the suit... She pulled in one last breath, forcing herself to look, one eye squeezed shut - the other staring as she swung the baton, rotating her hips to add to the momentum of the blow, getting enough power behind the hit - smashing it down on her vambrace.

 

She screamed in pain as the electricity synchronized with the suit. It crackled over the armor, stinging along her skin through the space suit like thousands of needles piercing her flesh. She lowered the baton as she pushed her forehead against the corner post, body collapsing against it for support. She was unsure if she could follow through with the plan... Her entire arm felt numb, her fingers hung uselessly and immobile. She gasped in pain, eyes squeezed shut. Unaware of the exchange happening outside of the gym, not even hearing the door opening. She couldn't sense much of anything except the pulsing pain arcing through her body.

 

"Kriffing... Bloody...." She ground out between clenched teeth. She stood up straighter in spite of the way her body spasmed. She raised the baton again, trying to prepare herself for the next hit.

 

~ 

 

It was troubling enough that Hux should be confronted with Ren just outside of the door, but the sight when he had finally entered was yet another unexpected surprise that Hux could hardly have prepared himself for. A desperate and anguished howl sounded from the sparring area of the gymnasium. He had been sure that she was the only one in there, yet by this outcry his first thought was that she had somehow come under an attack, or that she had injured herself through some kind of accident. As he hastened forward to get a clearer view, he saw her. 

 

She had discarded her helmet, she seemed to have thrown it across the room, her tired, ringed eyes were wide with a frustration that was close to insanity an electric baton was waving in her hand. Her forehead was additionally beaded with sweat, her wisps of chestnut-brown hair flying around her head and heated face. She raised the baton, then threw it down on herself, crying out again as her suit and arm fizzed. 

 

It took more than a few seconds to sink in. Hux just stood there, utterly dumbfounded, as if he had been hit over the head by the baton himself, he could do nothing but stare. 

 

Then, as usual, his more logical thought processes began to take over. He had tracked her here, and she was clearly here, not of her own will, but to be punished. Was this why she had got herself into such a state? Was she really trying to disable that tracking device in her armour... and with an electric baton?!

 

Despite him quickly grasping the information, he still couldn't quite fathom it. Was she really so desperate, so bold as to do such a thing? He had underestimated the heights of her defiance and her anger. She was making such a mess of things and obviously not thinking so clearly, not that he supposed he could blame her... too much. It was late after all. 

 

He took no delight in watching her face crumple up in pain, even from the distance he was from her. He occupied the thought that he should leave her. She deserved a punishment for being disobedient. She had to learn the consequence of trying to possess a name and personal intentions when she should have been a faceless code. Yet, hadn't the reason he had been attracted to her in the first place stemmed from her being unwilling to do just that? He didn't want to watch her just hurting herself like that. It seemed cruel and needless when he had the ability to stop it with the mere press of a button. Her eyes lifted and she saw him, her expression becoming even further panicked and desperate. Hux didn't wait any longer: he fished out a portable control device from his pocket and hastily found her beeping tracker, finally silencing its intrusive call with the click of a button.

 

He was sure he would criticise himself for choosing what he couldn't deny was his absurd empathy over what would have been the colder, and possibly more fitting response. Still, he had at least stopped the chaos. The room had fallen silent from either the girl’s attempts to harm herself or the blaring sound of her tracker. Hux questioned what he should do now that her eyes were fixed on him. A sinking feeling took him over as he realised just how quickly this situation had come out of hand: firstly, he had been caught by Ren and made to confess his pitiful and ludicrous feelings outright to him, secondly, he had entered to see KR-0117 completely lost to the hurricane of her own desperation and rage, as well as her being without her helmet. Hux had never faced a situation like this one in his life. None of this had gone according to his plan, but he was not a man to give in once he had made up his mind. His prized his own perseverance. He would get what he wanted.

 

He straightened himself and looked back at her directly, though he still had little idea of what exactly he would say. Judging from what he thought was fear in her face, he supposed he ought to begin with his basic intentions. He didn't want her to think he was there to cause harm, even if he had caught her in an act of complete disobedience and insanity.

 

“I was hoping to be evened with you.” Hux began, trying to twist this to his advantage. “I showed myself to you at my worst and I daresay I've found you in some... similarly miserable circumstance.”

 

He knew it wasn't an accurate comparison. Not by any means, but if it got his point across...

 

“I won't speak of either of these occasions.” Hux quickly reassured. “Just as I have promised...” He cleared his throat. The heat in his cheeks was rising again as he found himself turning away, too afraid, admittedly, to be confronted with what her reaction would be to his next sentiment. “Provided...” he continued, “that you allow me to...” was he really doing this? He had already started. Surely he couldn't back out now. “To... accompany you at the Vorkenna ball.” He blurted all at once.

 

He just realised that instead of asking her, he had practically blackmailed the girl. Not that anyone in the Order would surely refuse him, but had he really thought that such a threat would help him to appeal to her? Damn it, why was he so hopeless at all of this? He reminded himself that he was the General of the First Order. It didn't matter how he made such a proposal to her, there was hardly a chance of her refusing. Even her, even the stormtrooper who had given herself a name, started a fight with her commanding officer and had just tried to disable her tracker, removing her helmet without authorisation... Hux had never met anyone like her before. He hadn't yet dared to turn back around to face her as he found that he had become paralysed, simply waiting for her answer.

 

~

 

It was certainly not her finest moment. It was as though everything she had held contained, tried to assure herself was alright over all the years, the hardships she had endured... All of them were rolling into one another just building and building, seeking release. As though she had been through one ordeal too many and now the switch had been thrown. Atop of all that, exhaustion and hunger served to compound the issue, driving her into a frenzy. The beeping on her arm was only a small portion of what made her feel trapped and was only the starting point of everything she felt a maddening compulsion to be break through.

 

She was drawing in quick, short breaths - legs braced as she tried to psyche herself up enough to have another go. The beeping had returned, only this time she could no longer differentiate a difference in tone - it was blaring a warning both about her condition and excessive damage to the armor. All she knew was that it needed to stop. She twisted the weapon around again, a half-swing. It didn't connect. She grit her teeth, eyes narrowing dangerously - ravenous and almost beastly with her determination.

 

That is until she caught the faintest of motions out of the corner of her eyes. Emerging from the gloom a tall figure had come to witness her breakdown. She felt panic inject itself into her veins, taking a moment to register beyond the realms of her disbelief that it was General Armitage Hux who stood, silently watching her. How long had he been there? She winced, twisting the baton in her hand, moving to place it between them in a defensive stance - subconsciously angling her useless arm behind her as if to hide her weakness. Was he here to finish what he had attempted when he had been drunk? She remembered the seething hatred in his tone, the rage and disgust in his words...

 

She swallowed hard, pulse thundering in her veins - the artery in her neck throbbed with it. It was not he who was on the back foot now. Pristine and flawless, he had returned to his usual state of hardened perfection - the glory of his speech and his talents for it seemed to serve to restore him while she had stumbled into the depths of madness and was unraveling faster than she knew how to handle. Worse than being humiliated by being found in such a condition, she was well aware she was in no condition to fight... It wouldn't even be a fight at this point, would it? He was armed now, and instead of a fierce manager and four very well meaning tough dancers - he had a whole ship that would be compelled to follow his orders.

 

Being at the mercy of General Hux was nothing she had ever wanted. Just when she had thought her desperation had peaked, it climbed further - baring her teeth like a cornered animal. In many ways, she supposed that she was... In her mind, she called for Ben, a prayer - a desperate plea for help. Or at the very least, if these were to be her last moments, she could hope only that he would somehow know that her last thoughts were to be of him... But she could do no such thing. She watched Hux reach for something - convinced that it was a blaster, she braced herself - defying herself not to wince, not to cower away from it. She straightened slightly - she would meet her end with defiance to the very last.

 

But it was not a blaster. He had pulled another kind of device altogether from the depths of his ebon hued coat. He pressed something on its surface and her vambrace fell silent. She stood, chest heaving. Risking the potential danger of taking her eyes off of him, her hazel eyes slid down to her vambrace. It had returned to normal. A small sound escaped her lips, relief so brazenly splayed across her face. She lowered her other arm, the baton dropping from her fingers - falling to the floor and deactivating. She pulled in several deep, trembling breaths - the only sound now in the gymnasium. She must have looked downright feral - sweat dampened hair hanging limply in a haphazard frame around her face. Never had it occurred to her that she could incur further disciplinary action based on the removal of her helmet.

 

Feeling was beginning to return to her arm, she clutched at it uselessly - unable to massage away the feeling through the hardness of the armor. She lifted her face, eyes falling to Hux once more. She had been about to attempt to speak, to thank him... Ironically, for putting her out of her misery. He straightened, further punctuating the differential between their current states. He was perfectly composed, cool demeanor seemingly unaffected by the direct opposite in her own bearing.

 

_ ‘I was hoping to be evened with you.’ _

 

Her face fell. She had never been particularly adept at hiding her emotions - less so, now. Whatever she had hoped he may have been about to say, this clearly had not been that. Although, she couldn't even begin to formulate what he could have said that would not have made her feel as though she hadn't swallowed a boulder, now weighing down the pit of her stomach.

 

_ ‘I showed myself to you at my worst and I daresay I've found you in some... similarly miserable circumstance’. _

 

She shivered, withdrawing until her back was pressed against the ropes of the sparring ring. Her head was shaking gently, as if the action could possibly ward off the memories that came surging back - a brutal juxtaposition, their positions harshly reversed. He was not the disheveled man on Jira, no alcohol weighed down his words and he seemed to be just as sharp as the blade CS-9874 had intended to open her throat with. Where her mind had come undone, his seemed to be functioning as brilliantly as ever. She crossed her arms across her stomach - less a guarded posture, more as though she was trying to wring some sort of comfort out of her own arms. An effort that was as futile now as it had ever been.

 

_ ‘I won't speak of either of these occasions. Just as I have promised…’ _

 

There had to be a catch... He cleared his throat, turning away from her. Either he was being incredibly brave to turn his back on someone who had come as clearly unhinged as she had or it spoke very highly of just how little he perceived her to be a threat.

 

_ ‘Provided... that you allow me to... To... accompany you at the Vorkenna ball.’ _

 

She stared in disbelief, jaw hanging open. She would not have seen this coming in a million years.... She hesitated.... Was he... drunk, again? She was sorely tempted to remove her glove, to press the back of her hand to his forehead in the attempt to discover if he was perhaps violently ill... Fever madness? But, no, he had seemed perfectly... In control of himself.

 

Still, he had to have some reason... His rank was so high above her own that she ought not have even registered on his radar - it would almost be an embarrassment... A foot soldier and The General? Why the hell his reputation even came to mind, she couldn't begin to fathom. The whole thing was.... Quite frankly, absurd. She could not for the life of her begin to marry together two reasonable thoughts. The last time they'd spent time together, he'd been intent on murdering her - he hated her! She'd felt it, through the Force, clinging to her skin. Like condensation. Yet she could not feel a trace of it now.... Not that she trusted herself or her instincts or the Force at this moment.

 

It was almost if he... As if... It was... genuine? She thought of the small boy, cowering in the cupboard and shook her head. The humanity, a commonality he had disclosed in the grip of his alcohol's sway. She tried to remind herself of her own warning to Ben... He was not to be trusted. Still, it was hard to imagine slamming shut the door on that boy - the person he could have been if his father's fists had not been so intent on teaching him a different lesson. This, she tried to reassure herself, is not your burden! It sounded hollow in her own mind. The man before her, even with his back turned was a far cry from that boy. He had chosen a different path and had shown no signs of any intent to deviant from it. But, like Ben... She stopped herself - she would not insult Ben by insinuating any kind of connection or similarity between them...

 

"I..." She had to clear her own throat, try to recollect herself and try again.

 

The simple truth of the matter was, he had threatened her. Essentially, under the guise of blackmail. What choice did he give her? If he were to report this and take it to the furthest measure.... She'd be looking at more than detention and court marshaling. This behavior, she paled considerably, was well beyond the programming of the stormtroopers... She would stand out as a defect and if she was not destroyed, she could be taken away... And her mission, to talk to Leia... She swallowed hard, the thought of never being able to see Ben again...

 

"If your reputation can bear the dishonor of escorting a mere stormtrooper to such a grand event, I..."

 

His wording caught her off guard, instead of demanding that he take her along... It was as though he had put it into her hands - if he could accompany her... Maybe he wanted only to escort her there? Surely his attentions would be demanded elsewhere, as would Ben's... What could it harm? She was trying to rationalize it... To make peace with.... The fact that there were a great deal more things she would rather do - possibly attempting to short out her vambrace again could be numbered among them. Something sinister and awful in her that had detected the authenticity of his intent wanted to smash his hopes, to refuse... Perhaps it was simply the fact that he had deactivated her tracker, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

 

"I.... I accept." She said, finally.

 

She paused.

 

"How is your hand?" In spite of herself, there was a degree of genuine concern in her query. It may have seemed an odd question, but she was not so quick to forget what he had done, nor what he had said... She wondered if he remembered much of it at all and perhaps she might be able to glean some kind of indicator of what sort of danger she had just consigned herself to wade into... There was likely to be drinks served at such an event and she wanted to know if she needed to expect a change of his intent at a highly populated event.

 

~

 

He knew just by the ensuing pause between them that she was surprised. How could she not be surprised? He was surprised himself. Did she feel a similar conflict to his own? The difference of their ranks, the vast space between their positions and attitudes, even his intent to suppress his desire and empathy by killing its source in the depths of his drunken state,- all these things only made her paradoxically more desirable to him. Hux had a history of desiring most what would be nearly impossible for him to ever gain. If someone in the First Order had the chance to reject him, something inside of Hux wanted to take that chance; to challenge the boundaries that had been presented to him. Despite her lacking the power to decline his proposal, he had not completely abandoned the prospect of her doing so anyway. This was how she was different from the rest. This was exactly what intrigued him: the element of chance, an element of risk. He could become so addicted to taking risks if it meant the opportunity of a reward worth his trouble hung in the air.

 

"I..."

 

Her hesitation somehow excited him. The risks that made him feel alive, that set his blood pumping. With every day, every hour and every second his hunger grew. Hunger for power, for change, for... something new. Something he had felt that night on Jira. She could not refuse him, he reminded himself. Surely she could not...

 

"If your reputation can bear the dishonor of escorting a mere stormtrooper to such a grand event, I..."

 

He came close to smiling. They both knew full well that she was no mere stormtrooper. Even if she were, she didn't know... that there was a time when Hux had lived among his own army. The slight twisting sensation he got from watching the older children who had been stolen from their homes be shaped into machines, into killers. He had watched them grow as he had grown with them. They grew fast in both size and number. As the years had passed on, he had detached himself from their kind. Become colder, harder and taught far earlier that he was better. That he was destined. It still wasn't all as true as they had tried to make him believe. There would never be a time that he would be able to draw away the moment that he had looked into the eyes of the children his father and Rax had stolen, and see his own.

 

Besides, his attendance with a stormtrooper would be a statement, he attempted to believe as further justification. It would be a message that he valued them. That he could understand their struggle, unlike their Supreme Leader.

 

"I.... I accept." She said, finally.

 

Where Hux resisted smiling before, he finally allowed it. Of course she would. He had hardly given her a choice. He turned back to face her, having received his answer, his incessant hunger was finally beginning to calm.

 

"How is your hand?"

 

He was a little surprised that she had asked, and that she had asked with a genuine concern in her voice. He was certain that a part of her hated him, despised him, even. Why else would she have showed him her fire on Jira? It was refreshing in comparison to the many who had tried to gain his favour through empty flattery. Still, her fire had been mixed with her care. The look on her face when he had admitted his truth to her had shocked him even further than her insolence had, because like her anger, it was real. So much in his environment was based solely on the art of trickery, false expressions and lies. It was a language that he had grown so accustomed to speaking that he had nearly forgotten completely how to comprehend and answer to anything else.

 

He had been sure to put his gloves back on for the Vorkenna announcement, but her bandages were still laid there, underneath. It was hardly worth having any concern over. It was almost laughable in the face of how many scars Hux had been littered with, many of them from not long after he had first learned to stand and walk.

 

Then he realised: it was not just the wound that she was referring to. Hux knew fear. It was an emotion that followed him and those who joined him wherever he went. She was afraid. Had his lack of control on Jira truly scared her so much?

 

“It’s hardly a thing to be concerned about,” Hux answered her.

 

His words were chosen to assure her that he had no plan to make himself drunk in front of her again, if he could help such a thing. He realised it may have sounded like he had dismissed her care for him. He met her hazel eyes, that somehow seemed to shine with gold in the bright lights of the gym. The heat of her face had faded, like a calmed sea.

 

“...thanks to you.” Hux added.

 

Had he just given her genuine thanks? He supposed that he had. Still, she had clearly shown some integrity, even after he had gone so far as to consider murdering her. The ball at Vorkenna would be a most fascinating event indeed, and Hux was certain that he would find out more about her, -maybe even settle some of his burning questions. That would have to wait. He could see by the darkness and heaviness lacing the lids of her eyes that she ought to be excused. Even Hux himself had become tired, his movements had slowed somewhat, he was sure of it.

 

“I will hope to see you soon then, KR-0117.” Hux confirmed, some smug delight creeping into his tone.

 

He had phrased it again as if she had a choice. He would, undoubtedly, see her again very soon. He took some steps backward and didn't draw his eyes from her until he was a few meters away.

 

“You're relieved of your duties tonight,” Hux clarified in a call over his shoulder, “should your commander question you abandoning your post, she can answer to me.”

 

With that final declaration, he had made his way back out of the door.

 

~

 

The longer Rey had hesitated, the more she could feel something building in the General. She couldn't identify it, something foreign for which she believed had no echo resonating in her own self. So alien that it was beginning to cause her great distress.

 

At least, until she realized...

 

Hunger. She remembered it well, a scrawny child standing before Plutt's trade stand - tears streaming down her face, begging... Pleading for something to eat - desperate for even a sliver of a ration... It was hunger. Except... Armitage Hux was not begging. His driving need was heavy, closing in around her and prompting her to speak if only to distract herself from the oppressive feeling seeping through her armor. She could imagine it as giant talons, trapping her in his grip and piercing through her straight into the marrow of her bones. It was terrifying and yet... She could feel the thrill he was deriving from this and in turn her heart began to beat faster. It was frightening, a needle-sharp prick of understanding - it was her. He was starving for her! She would have swayed on her feet were it not for the fact she was already leaning back against the ropes. She hated that he had such an effect on her. She didn't like being afraid... She had never wanted to feel helpless again and here he was, standing perfectly still and well away from her and she was utterly frightened.

 

And like a trapped animal, she was becoming quite desperate... what was it that Lil had said about men? A lot of her advice had seemed amusing and anecdotal but... Appeal to their egos? Most men seemed happy to believe that women were not their betters and just ever so slightly beneath them... She tried it, trying to downplay herself which, admittedly, was not too difficult in these particular circumstances. Surely he would see it - a man with a name taking a unit with a code to such a public and grand event... Did he really want everyone to think that amongst the upper echelon of the military at his disposal for choice he would really settle for the bottom rung? It was both a means to build his ego and also leave the sting of a subtle insinuation of an insult.

 

He had remained silent, leaving her to find her own way - offering no interjections of his own thoughts. She felt defeated, trapped... She had accepted at last. She could see no other way out of this predicament. In her mind, she uttered a thousand apologies to Ben - she had seen his worry for her when she'd recounted the details of the last time she'd been thrust into a situation with Hux alone... She did not want him to be concerned, having enough of his own problems. She could see that his restraint had been being tested and she did not want to be part of what would force his hand to dive into the Darkness that seemed always to wait just behind his shoulder, beckoning to him.

 

Hux turned back to face her at last. Of all the expressions she had thought would never be upon his face, the smile that bent the corner of his lips upwards was surely the highest among them. Unlike when Ben had smiled and it felt as though the sun dawning on a new morning.... It made her deeply uncomfortable to have been the catalyst - yet that building growing feeling seemed to abate with her reply and finally she felt as though she could breathe unhindered. Determined to distract herself, to direct the focus elsewhere and to discover his intent, she had asked after his hand.

 

_ ‘It's hardly a thing to be concerned about.’ _

 

Pity, she wanted to retort, feeling the faintest traces of frustration with herself for allowing herself to tend things... Particularly an enemy. Yet she couldn't have left him there - he'd narrowly escaped the necessity of stitches. She told herself it was because she would not have wanted Lil to have to clean up the blood from the floors or the bedding if she had left him there to bleed until his body managed to stop it. Or failed. Though the chances of him having died from the wound was next to nil. Her teeth met together with an even and growing pressure. One could always dream...

 

_ ‘...Thanks to you.’ _

 

He.... She blinked at him. He was full of surprises. None of them, she found, she was particularly enthusiastic about being made privy to. She was no manipulator - she did not want his thanks. At least, she didn't think so - she couldn't see a situation where she would be outfoxing him. Political maneuvering seemed to be his strong suit. She couldn't bring herself to speak, offering a nod to acknowledge that she'd heard him.

 

_ ‘I will hope to see you soon then, KR-0117.’ _

 

He was smug. Pleased with himself. Her eyes narrowed in response. Playing innocent when he knew full well what he was doing! If she were a wildcat, her hackles would have risen at his coy choice of words. How dare he!

 

"Don't strain yourself, with all that... Hoping." She responded, somewhat harshly. Hux was dangerous. In equal parts he frightened her and on the other side of the exact same coin, he set her aflame - easily able to draw her temper. It was chaos and instability. And like the pit on Ach'To, it seemed to call to her in an entirely different way than she felt drawn to Ben. Ben who in comparison seemed to settle her, to calm the squall and with him she felt stronger. With Hux, she felt disheveled - poised and ready to strike but always finding her hand caught.

 

He had begun to withdraw and she watched him leave with a growing sense of woe.

 

_ ‘You're relieved of your duties tonight, should your commander question you abandoning your post, she can answer to me.’ _

 

"Thank you..." She muttered - unsure if he had heard it or not.

 

She was left alone again - silence filling the gym in the wake of his presence. With a sigh, she bent down to retrieve the baton - replacing it on the training stand before heading towards the door herself, stooping to collect her helmet and slipped it onto her head.


	31. Chapter 31

The rest of the squadron had returned to their quarters by the time Rey had managed to get out of the gym and make her way back - she could not begin to express how pleased she was that she had encountered not a single soul in her journey. She was exhausted, it was a relief that Hux had dismissed her from the remaining hours of her sentence, though she did not want to align any thoughts of him with those of gratitude. Particularly since she was quite sure none of it came from a selfless place. Everything had a reason... Did he really think she wanted to attend this event with him? After what he had done? Beginning with that awful footage....

 

CS-9874 moved to stand before her blocking her entry as the doors slid open, arms crossed over her chest, glaring down at the soldier who had swiftly become her least favorite person in existence. A persistent thorn in her side from the instant she had been transferred to Jira. How and why? CS didn't have the faintest clue. But she had dutifully reminded herself that it was not her place to question... A notion that had quickly lost its novelty as KR-0117 continually stepped out of line. She’d had enough!

 

"What are you doing here? You're supposed to be training. For at least another four hours..."

 

Rey's shoulders sagged. She hadn't slept in well over 48 hours, hadn't eaten in just about the same time frame. She just.... She just wanted to sleep! Just a small sliver of peace!

 

"General Hux relieved me of duties." She grumbled, leaning her helmet clad forehead against the door jamb. She didn't want another fight... She was tired of fighting. Absently, she found herself thinking she ought to have made her way to Ben's room. There, at least, she could have showered and if she asked nicely enough, he might have obliged her a small bit of space on the edge of his rather generously sized mattress. She wished she had, particularly when faced with CS-9874's blatant disapproval.

 

CS-9874's helmet tilted in a decidedly accusatory fashion, "I don't believe you." She stated - the excited chatter that had filled the room had died, utter silence fell over their quarters as the squad watched in mute fascination.

 

"You're welcome to discuss it with him if you please. Now move out of my way!" She pushed her way past, their shoulders colliding and she nearly fell over. CS-9874 glowered at her, Rey didn't need to see her face to know it. She could feel the taller woman's temper rising.

 

"What reason could he possibly have had to speak to you?" CS-9874 grabbed at her arm, yanking the vambrace upwards to investigate - she typed her own code in to review the status history and made a small sound of disgust. Or perhaps anger. She released Rey's arm as if it had turned into a twisting pile of nugilo slugs.

 

"He wants to attend the festivities on Vorkenna with me." Her tone was flat as she sat herself on her bed, pulling her boots off, trying to ignore the rush of pain that followed. She was stripping out of her armor, so ready for sleep. She missed the way LK's head tilted downwards and the way that the others had shifted uncomfortably.

 

"You're lying! That's utterly ridiculous!" CS-9874 spat, sounding incredulous. Rey shrugged, finally pulling her helmet off of her head - a swift kick from her foot sent the pile of white armor under the edge of her bunk. Regulation be damned - there was no way she was going to be sorting it all and putting it into her locker.

 

"Believe me or not, it isn't my problem." Rey responded, settling herself into her bunk.

 

"This squadron is going to attend with no one! I FORBID IT! We are going as citizens of The First Order! As soldiers! Not as.... Not as.... Couples." The last word sounded for all the world as though she was substituting it for something else. Something with a decidedly more hostile flair to it.

 

"But, I was goi-" One of their squadmates had begun to protest, silenced by the quick jerk of CS's visor in her direction. The trooper fell silent.

 

"Get to bed! All of you! There will be no more talk of this!" She growled, watching with satisfaction as they complied with her order - each one returning to their designated bunks. KR-0117 it seemed, had already passed out.

 

CS's temper was boiling. How dare she! How.... How dare GENERAL HUX! Of all the people she would have believed to have known better! Someone she respected and admired... Drawn into this... This shambling mess that was KR-0117!!! She went to her own bunk, ripping off her helmet - her pale blonde hair tumbling free of the tight bun she usually wore. She yanked off her gloves, procuring her data pad and logged into the communications node as she'd been shown. KR-0117 had generated some fans from their fight... But so had CS-9874. Ones that were actually useful... Ones who had taught her how to bypass certain security features and to instate others...

 

::::::::::::ENCRYPTED MESSAGE: PRIORITY DELIVERY TO SUPREME LEADER KYLO REN::::::::::::

 

She smiled to herself, eyes narrowing in vehement anger fueled glee..... She detailed the many offences that KR-0117 had committed. The dangers of her being permitted to mix with other troopers. Her behavior core was not compatible with the rest of the First Order. She was a toxin, and if one stormtrooper acted out of line, how long before the others would join her?

 

CS-9874 suggested (Humbly, of course) that the Supreme Leader consider with seriousness the virtues of reviving the Inquisitional forces - that they may be required to ferret out the source of her failings. Whatever Indoctrination Base that KR-0117 had originated from would surely require a most thorough review... Likely, it would require termination - sickness had to be cut out of the body or the body would perish.

 

As, she concluded, should their own troops be investigated. Behaviors of General Armitage Hux seem to be verging on the cusp of breaking a great deal of the codes of conduct. His gross misconduct surely cannot be ignored. Fraternizing with those whose ranks don't even merit the use of a name... It was unacceptable! The First Order should not be undermined - all that they worked for should not be placed into jeopardy!

 

She heavily recommended that KR-0117 be placed in a detaining cell, solitary from all others until after the festivities had passed and she might be processed into a Re-programming facility whereupon they could discover whether she was salvageable or if she was better off being destroyed. There were cracks in the system - FN-2187 seemed to be the first and now there was another. Even their General was showing signs of fracture.

 

'I would not choose to believe that the First Order could be so fragile,' she wrote, fingers flying across the surface of her datapad, 'Yet if it is so, I shall, forever and loyally stand to defend it. By reporting these things to the highest of authority we in the First Order can answer to, I can only hope that we may work together to preserve what we have all fought hard to build together. Yours, Faithfully, CS-9874'

 

She sighed, leaning back on the bed, pale eyes scanning her rather long and detailed message with cruel delight. Finally, deciding that the proof was too solid to deny... That it would be enough, surely, to land KR-0117 into hot water but also the General for intervening on the discipline she had intended for KR. It most certainly was playing with fire, however, she was sick and tired of being embarrassed and undermined. She was damn good at her job and it was time that everyone else displayed as much conviction and dedication as she did! She pressed the button to send it with a particularly vicious motion. It brought her a rush of relief, even in just sending the transmission to the Supreme Leader.

 

Perhaps it was forward of her. But the General was his right hand... Kylo Ren deserved to know when the grip of that hand was softening…

 

~

 

It was not yet morning on the Ordinance when Ben awoke, his heart could barely let him rest under the circumstances. It would begin to speed, sometimes at what seemed to be a random moment, and then all his thoughts would cascade into his concern for Rey. Leaving her with Hux was like sending the vultures to circle over her. Giving Hux exactly what he wanted. Why could Ben never seem to win their fights, despite him clearly being the more powerful? It seemed that even when he had won, Hux still got what he had wished for.

 

Ben sat up in his bed, pulling the dark covers to his chest, he could do little except to stare into the empty space in front of him and pray for her. He listened, and couldn't hear anything, which he hoped was a sign that she had found her way to sleep. Hearing nothing could be far better than knowing that a panic was descending on her, descending on both of them like a slowly tightening net.

 

He couldn't sit still any longer. He drew himself from the warm comforts of the sheets and found his tunic and robes, tossing them ready on the bed. His hair had become somewhat matted on one end. With his crooked scar and the gaunt structures of his face, he could believe that he was close to madness when he caught glimpses of himself in his mirror as he swiftly washed himself down. As he made his way back from the bathroom, leaving small puddles on the floor, he passed the table on which he had laid down his data pad.

 

He paused. A notification had caught his eye. Taking it up in one hand and finishing assaulting his hair with a towel in an attempt to dry it with the other, he settled back down on top of his bed and opened the transmission.

 

_ ENCRYPTED MESSAGE: PRIORITY DELIVERY TO SUPREME LEADER KYLO REN _

 

A message from... CS-9874?

 

Ben sighed. He was reluctant to see whatever the likes of CS-9874 had to say. It was a rather long and somewhat heated-looking message. He had no doubt as to what the subject matter would be.

 

Sure enough, she had started with a torrent of complaints regarding the misconduct and unacceptable behaviour of KR-0117. Ben couldn't stop a smile slowly growing on his face as he considered how validated CS-9874 must feel, to send him the direct details of the actions of KR-0117 to him, expecting him to judge her, to cast her out, put her in a cell or have her brainwashed. That her sense of identity in the mind of CS-9874 was a sickness to be eliminated rather than the very thing that Ben held dearly above all else. He scanned further down the message and any feelings of levity he had possessed onto a moment prior fell into some sheer bewilderment as he noticed the name of General Hux in the next paragraph.

 

So he had asked her, just as he had told him, and... she had agreed.

 

Ben scolded himself for entertaining the thought that she even had the choice to decline. A stormtrooper refusing the requests of the General was the equivalent to treason, no matter what that request might be. His muscles had tensed with anger even just thinking about Hux taking that advantage over her, as if she were some object, something that he could just take.

 

As Ben read on, he was mildly surprised to see that CS-9874 shared his anger for an utterly different reason. She had the nerve to point out what a slip Hux had made in asking a stormtrooper out effectively as his partner. Some dark satisfaction began to blossom inside of Ben, like some poison or ink spreading in the clarity of water.

 

For once, Hux would not be the one with the leverage of Ben’s emotions to use against him. For once, Ben would have that advantage. Who would have thought that Hux would allow himself to slip so far? And for what? He couldn't love her. Ben couldn't make himself believe that Hux could love at all. Not properly. Surely he just wanted to possess her, even...

 

Ben cringed at the mere prospect of him lusting over her. His hands made fists. He laid the data pad back down and dressed himself as he looked over the last few lines.

 

_ I would not choose to believe that the First Order could be so fragile, yet if it is so, I shall, forever and loyally stand to defend it. By reporting these things to the highest of authority we in the First Order can answer to, I can only hope that we may work together to preserve what we have all fought hard to build together. _

 

_ Yours, Faithfully, CS-9874 _

 

Ben shook his head. Her loyalty, while admirable, was pointless. What she had only just begun to understand was that the First Order had been fragile for a long time, and most of that fragility had come from the vulnerability of Ben’s own fractured mind. He didn't take too much time attempting to comb out the curls that had formed in his hair. He couldn't care what he looked like anymore, if it meant that he could finally reap his vengeance on Hux, it wouldn't matter. This time... he had the advantage.

It was never a pleasure for Hux to be summoned by Ren, no matter what the circumstances were. After their last encounter, however, Hux had a sickening and swelling feeling in his stomach just at the mere idea of meeting with him, whatever the topic of discussion happened to be. He would need all of his reserve, there could be no flaws in the outer shell that he had built to hide away in. He had tried to convince himself that his uniform was his very skin, but that had recently become harder to believe.

 

As he neared their meeting place, the feeling of sickness worsened. He wasn't afraid, he reminded himself. This was not what fear felt like, nor should he ever allow himself to believe that he could succumb to such an emotion ever again.

 

The door to the boardroom was already open, and Kylo Ren stood readily in the room’s centre, a data pad placed on the table in front of him. The lights were low in that room, and it was isolated, as if the two of them were the only ones on the entire ship. Hux’s jaw tightened and he stood broadly, awaiting whatever he was sure he wouldn't want to hear. It didn't take long for his suspicions to be confirmed. This would not be an easy or a pleasant exchange.

 

As soon as Hux had edged into the room, Kylo raised his hand, using the force to allow the door to slide shut behind them. If Hux had been tense before, he near to losing his nerve completely. Kylo was making a point: using his direct physical power to trap Hux like an animal. Hux glared at him, and prepared for the worst as he noticed a dangerous satisfaction dancing in Ren’s eyes.

 

“It appears that someone hates you almost as much as I do.” Kylo started, and Hux could feel his hair raising as his fingertips drilled into his palms from how tightly he had clenched his fists. Kylo gestured to the data pad on the table.

 

Hux had no desire whatsoever to come forward and read whatever awaited him on that screen, but he was certain by the look in Ren’s eye that he wasn't beyond physically pulling Hux forward with the force itself if he didn't comply.

 

It didn't take him long to grasp the content of the sharp words. As he read, Kylo stood close behind him, dark as a living shadow. Hux tried to make himself one with his uniform, his coat...

 

“I'm surprised, Armitage.” Ren stated, low, sinister.

 

Hux stiffened even further. He whipped around to face the Supreme Leader. It had been so long since Ren had addressed him by his first name...

 

“I'm surprised that you of all people would break the rules for the purpose of pining, lusting after a stormtrooper-“

 

“-stop pretending you have the interests of the Order in mind!” Hux retorted harshly.

 

It was dangerous, but Hux couldn't care. Ren’s choice of words was enough to enrage him, to insult him instantly.

 

“Your mask is wearing thin.” Hux continued in a snarl. “Now that you're not parading around in a metal bucket there's nothing for you to hide behind-“

 

Ren took him by the collar as Hux’s breath caught in his throat. Kylo could be so tall, so solid when he wanted to be.

 

“-I don't think you quite realise the severity of your actions.”

 

His grip tightened and Hux found his arms, pushing back against them with all his might. He would not submit gently, not this time.

 

“Let. go. of me.” Hux warned, sure to isolate each of his simple words, his entire being was shaking with the heat of his rage.

 

“You are treading a fine line, stooping so low.” Ben criticised, looking down his nose as if it would further his point and emphasise his status. “You can do what you wish, but I can't predict how the Order will take your decision.”

 

Using Hux’s own words and arguments against him... Ren had planned this out, and that only drove Hux further down the path of his frustration. He tried to take a step back, to rip himself from Kylo’s grasp.

 

“I said- let go!” Hux hissed, and he tore himself away, taking some paces backward, struggling to control his breathing.

 

Kylo’s eyes were empty.

 

“I have more of their respect than you ever will.” Hux spat, his chest heaving with adrenaline and all the ferocity of something wild, something lost. “You're a boy, a Skywalker, a Solo- you're a joke, Ren.”

 

His empty look didn't change. Hux could believe that for once his words had merely bounced off him. That they meant nothing at all.

 

“You're a joke.” Hux repeated, as if saying it twice would clarify that he had dared to go this far. He would have expected the threat of death of be hanging over him at this point, but Ren did nothing. He just stared emptily back, as if he were on a different plane of existence altogether.

 

“I'm the joke...” Ren repeated, “and yet you are the one who, in one move, has torn down the very thing that you have worked so hard over so many years to build... General.”

 

He had even gone so far as to highlight Hux’s very title as a paradox after Hux’s actions.

 

“So do what you must.” Ren continued, softly, dangerously calmly. “Insult me. Disobey me. I needn't do anything.” He towered over Hux, somehow making himself more tall than ever. “Because in the end, your only enemy is yourself.”

 

Hux stared at him. Somehow his words were not for Hux alone. Ren was talking from... from experience.

 


	32. Chapter 32

For all the hopes the General may have had to see his quarry again, he would have surely been left wanting. In the same breath, Rey found herself pulled tightly along by strands of hope left unfulfilled - that she might catch a glimpse of Ben, have an opportunity to steal away... To see him again, if only for a moment when they could be alone together, safe from prying eyes and straining ears. She missed him, if she was going to be honest about it. There didn't seem any point in lying - there was no one to listen to her about such things and she could feel the aching truth in her chest. There was no denying it.

 

But CS-9874 had taken it upon herself to herd her squadron together like a demented mother fiercely protecting her children. She had cracked the proverbial whip quite hard - implemented an intense training regime that saw them engaged in training for a great deal of the time when they were not sleeping or eating. Additionally, she signed them up for additional roles - volunteering them to the sanitation crews, lending them to the engineering corp... Things that would keep them in vital, albeit mundane stations that if the General wanted to pull KR-0117 out, it would be noted. CS-9874 was determined that KR-0117 would garner no more preferential treatment. She was working them overtime, herself right alongside them, admirably suffering just as much as they were - desperate to assert her will over them. Determined to make them rise from the ridicule and shame that General Hux had cast over them the very first day that they had arrived.

 

As she had forbidden, none of the squadron spoke a single word about Vorkenna. Aside from always being present, there simply wasn't enough time. She kept them running at a pace that toed the edge of excess. On the verge of complete exhaustion... Yet it was yielding results. Their rankings in terms of efficiency and service was raising rapidly towards the tops of the lists. Surely, CS-9874 though,  it would be noted... A promotion was not so far out of the realm to consider... Yet many days had passed, she had not heard word or acknowledgement from the Supreme Leader regarding the message she had sent. Several times she had been tempted to send it again, in case her encryption had failed and it simply had never gone through...

 

And every time she had considered pursuing the subject once again, she hesitated. The General was in fine form. Distant. Harsh and cold as ever. It met with her approval. She could only imagine what sort of meeting he must have had with the Supreme Leader if her message had gone through. She found herself savagely delighted when she fantasized about the choice words that must have been selected. How dare he interfere! But, she had heard of no retraction of his invitation, or if he had, KR-0117 had not divulged the fact to any of the squad. She had grilled LK on the matter, knowing that he had some kind of fondness for KR-0117 and that they had on occasion been known to converse. He seemed genuinely to have no idea. It had made CS-9874 watch her closer than ever but she seemed to have wilted under the pressure that CS-9874 had applied. She was almost... Dare she hope, subdued?

 

Everyday felt longer than the last. Rey had wrestled with herself, struggling to stay in line. It was easier if she just... Gave in. She had no desire to find herself pitted against CS-9874 and with the fanatical way she had taken to extolling the virtues of The First Order, reciting the rules and conduct accords like holy writ, Rey was fairly certain if she stuck a toe out of line that CS would come down on her like a crashing battle cruiser.

 

Unsurprisingly, KR-0117 was requested back to the engineering corp on more than one occasion. Almost guiltily, she found herself enjoying it. The maintenance work was teaching her a great deal about the First Order technology - there were times where it began to feel as if she could see the minds of those who had designed and developed it. It was fascinating and perhaps the only pleasant distraction she had to occupy her hands and her mind at the same time. Rey had come to understand, from the chatter of the engineers that The Ordinance was simply too large to land, no known planet had enough mass to support a space station large enough to accommodate it without the use of terra-forming. It had been created but there was never a plan to land it. A city to serve as the divine hand of the Supreme Leader. And, likely, it would continue to do so - but Vorkenna...

 

Vorkenna was monumental in more ways than she had understood. Claiming a planet, settling a city... The First Order could not be denied by those who would have supported the Republic or the galaxy anymore as mere warmongers. By staking territory, by having a physical capital is meant that they had to be taken seriously. It was a statement - that they had the strength to take what they wanted. And it was a challenge - having a stationary location was a symbol of their power. Their power to defend it, to keep it. She had finally begun to understand why it was so important. It would complicate matters, the burden... In some strange way, she wished that Ben had been as born as insignificant as she had been. That the legacy of his bloodline had not fallen to him, making him a target for all the hands seeking power - that he hadn't been driven to this point.

 

Because it was not just a city that the enemies of the First Order would be seeking to destroy... Her heart stuttered. It would be the Supreme Leader... Anyone ranked with authority... She understood - cut off the head and the body dies... She was wracked with constant anxiety, further serving to keep her silent. Contained.

 

By the time her squadron had made it onto the transportation list - weeks had passed. The process of integrated such a large population with an existing planet based population had been tricky. The officers gifted in diplomacy had their work cut out for them. Arranging accommodation... Ensuring that the most prestigious of buildings had been claimed, secured... Arranging the banquet... Music... Not that Rey was truly aware of any of it - it was too large... Too far beyond her sphere of comprehension... She couldn't have even begun to imagine what it might be like.

 

So it was no surprise that when they disembarked from the shuttle that she had stood, dumbfounded in amazement. Her head tilted back - buildings towering far above their heads. There was never enough time to truly take it in, though she tried desperately with any opportunity that arose to look around. It was wondrous and so unlike anything she had ever seen... Had ever even dreamed of. Most of the time, her jaw hung open in awe - safely hidden behind her helmet.

 

They were led by one of the planet's native residents who had been persuaded or perhaps coerced into acting as guides to direct legions of soldiers to their accommodations and to answer questions. Like, where to obtain food and clothing suitable for the upcoming event. Of all the things discussed, Rey found herself thinking only of the food. It was exciting. 

 

Attire... She had already resolved to find the simplest dress imaginable. Partially out of spite but also out of practicality - over the days that followed, she saw what some of the squadron were bringing back to their shared room. Tight fitting garments that clung in utter perfection to shapes of bodies that had been hidden under the same white armored uniform. She'd become so used to the unity, the same.... appearance that to see her squadmates out of their gear... With individual faces, individual body types - it had begun to feel strange. Almost, a little too intimate. On the evenings where the other women were trying on their dresses and the men had donned their magnificent suits - she had sat on her bed, trying to pretend to be interested in her datapad.

 

The manuals she was skimming held little interest. It was tempting, to want to watch and to be swept into their excitement. The curious part of her wished to touch the fabrics, to investigate the many details, to languish in the beautiful colors. Deep crimsons, exquisite onyx shades.... Lush and inviting - they picked colors to suit those of the First Order. Except, CS-9874 who had selected a dark navy for her rather conservative gown. She had shown disdain for the flesh baring gown one of the other women had chosen, remarking harshly about the revealing nature of it's form hugging nature. They had dissolved into playful banter after summoning the men over to settle the argument. Rey tried not to giggle at their blushing faces, instead, she turned back to her manuals, eyes narrowing as she tried to focus.

 

She was acutely aware of a presence now standing at the foot of her bed. It was so strange not to be stacked atop one another - these beds were for single occupants only. No bunks. And they were ludicrously comfortable. The sheets were smooth... How such luxury could exist was beyond Rey. She glanced up, CS-9874 stood with her hands on her hips and a rather unimpressed expression on her features.

 

"Tomorrow you're up for shore leave. Exactly eight hours and then you are to report back here for inspection and dining. You will secure for yourself a gown and appropriate accessories." It must have been taxing for CS, to allow KR-0117 her own leave. It was on a roster and unsurprisingly, she'd pushed KR-0117 down to the very last of her squadron to be allowed a day of free time. If she could have stripped the privilege away, Rey had no doubt that she would have.

 

"Yes, ma'am." She responded, turning back to her datapad. Under other circumstances, she would have been delighted... Excited, even. It was the sort of thing that she could only have imagined. Except for the simple fact that she would be experiencing it all alone. Everything was so vast... The columns and arches were so high! She'd felt very small, during their march to their lodgings...

 

"We're to have an excursion the following day," this, she directed to the entire squadron, "I have been reliably informed that if we are to love this planet, this city and her people as our own... Then we must know them. If we are to bleed for it, which undoubtedly we will one day be called upon to do so - our bond with it must be unshakable."

 

Rey rolled over onto her side, her back to the squadron as they dissolved into excited chatter. She scrolled through rifle maintenance protocols, eyes not seeing the words that had begun to blur…

 

~

 

She was awakened harshly, a firm grip on her ankle that she tore away as abruptly as possible - clutching her blankets to her chest as she pushed herself back into a sitting position. Her eyes burned from interrupted sleep, her teeth bared as she backed against the headboard. CS-9874 stood at the foot of her bed, glowering down at her. Her disgust and disapproval clear across her fine features. Rey found herself missing their armor and helmets. She had become accustomed to being ignored or even barely tolerated but it was always so much more confronting when someone's distaste had become personal, directed at her with not even the slightest attempt to hide it.

 

CS-9874 wore her disdain unabashedly. Rey sighed softly, lifting her hands to her face, smoothing her palms over her features before her fingers pushed through her hair, clearing it away from her face.

 

"Your leave begins in ten minutes. Eight hours and not a second more. If you're not back here by the appointed time, I will see to it personally that you spend the night in the shuttle. Ball be damned, if you defy me..." Rey was already nodded, stifling a yawn as she threw her blankets back, slipping her feet to the floor. Covered with some kind of soft... Carpet, had they said? She'd never seen carpet before... She might have been able to enjoy the simple moment of wriggling her feet against the cloud-like fuzz were it not for CS-9874's threat still hanging heavily in the air.

 

"Yes, ma'am." She hastened to get dressed - flight suits only unless they decided to spent the modest amount of credits they'd been allowed and purchase some other form of attire. Armor was forbidden, at least for this first week or until all the accords had been signed. It was the decision of the diplomacy corp that they had a better chance of a smoother transition if The First Order appeared as common folk amongst the existing residence rather than faceless suits of armor. It would seem less hostile. Though, Rey thought, they'd be foolish if they did not see that a standing army had just been shipped in - that this fine city was being occupied. Peacefully, yet it was a takeover all the same. No doubt, Ben would have had some influence in the decision - as it did not seem in the First Order's natural repertoire to peacefully negotiate such things when they had the power to simply seize.

 

She made her way out of the rooms and down the long corridors. How many of the First Order soldiers were housed here, she wondered? She tried to settle her mind as she made her way down the grand stairs, she kept her breathing steady in spite of her growing curiosity and amazement at her surroundings - she was focused on a singular person.... She tried to reach out to him, silently pleading the bond she shared with him to awaken... For a moment, she felt as though her mind might have brushed his own but it was like trying to see an image through the blur of a steam fogged pane of glass. She drew a deep breath as the feeling had passed - finding herself in some kind of common room. Everything was.... So beautiful. She could have spent an entire day simply sitting in the room, taking in every detail. From the plush seats to the ornate detailing in even the corners of the ceiling where the wall had become one with the impressive murals painted on the vaulted ceiling.

 

It was a planet that clearly possessed great wealth, and craftsmen with immeasurable talent. She wondered if the First Order's presence would destroy it... If the rigidity of their functionality would destroy that in these people - if it would drive them away or kill off their spirits through indoctrination.... The thought had only made her sad. By the time she reached the front door, she had gotten lost at least three times - there was no guide for her.

 

Outside, there was a bustle of activity. Both of the residents and the First Order - though they no long wore their uniforms, she could still pick them easily in the throngs of people milling about. Even without the black flight suits, it was in their posture, their movements... She paused, looking down at her hands. She wondered if she blended in as well? Had she become a part of them? Had she learned their ways? It was possible, she had lost track of how many times she'd begun to think of herself as KR-0117. It had become so real, the routines had become so ingrained. Little Rey of Nowhere felt far away from her. It felt like an eternity ago since she'd heard the name. Would she know it if she heard it again? She would never have thought of all the places she might find a place could have possibly been the First Order.

 

Perhaps not, she decided. Not when such things as the lush greenery around them had arrested her attention, drawn towards their strong trunks where she trailed her fingertips over the smooth bark, head craned backwards as she stared up into the foliage. Maybe there were some parts of her that the Order could never touch... She made her way through the trees, enjoying the slight dip in temperature that their generous canopies provided, finding herself standing near a pool of clear gleaming water. Her jaw dropped slightly, edging closer and closer... Cautiously, she knelt down, dipping a finger into the smooth glassy surface - ripples spreading out from the intruding disturbance. It was so glorious! Chewing her lip, she made herself stand up, promising herself she would have to return to it - maybe she could slip her boots from her feet, roll up the legs of her jumpsuit and indulge herself... She had eight hours, after all…

 

During which, she only had really one directive.... Obtain something suitable to wear to the ball. She steeled herself, heading back to the main throngs of people - asking and asking until she received directions into the city proper where the merchant ward occupied a generous selection of buildings. She was worried that if she got lost, she might never make her way back... Arches towered above her, column lined alleys... Buildings that looked as though they had been built atop of another... It was grand, intoxicating - she felt as though her eyes might never blink again, wide-eyed with unfathomable fascination.

 

She was not certain how much time had passed by the time she had reached the merchant quarter, her stomach rumbling for her attention. A need she promised to attend to later. But first, she had to get a dress. She pushed into the first shop she found, determined that she would share none of the ridiculous excitement of her peers. She noted a fair amount of the many racks and stands were empty - picked clean... The attendant tried to assist her, offering her things that were similar to what the other ladies had picked... Rey tried to be polite but it was... Quite frankly, overwhelming, a little stifling even to be doted upon so much. She finally found a way to politely excuse herself, finding herself in the back corner - a few gowns hung in a clump together.

 

Her eyes were drawn to the pale colors, like dawn's light breaking. She found that her lips had curved upwards as she pushed them along the railing. She pulled one from the rack, eyes admiring the delicate partial sleeves - they reminded her of the arm wraps she had once favored. The rest of the gown was suitably plain, and free flowing. Not restrictive to movement at all, which she had wanted. The soft material was inviting to touch, she could only imagine what it might feel like to actually wear it, to feel it upon her skin. There were subtle details of embellishment, little flowers embroidered amongst the folds and tucks of the whisper thin material. Compared to everything else in the store, it was rather unremarkable.

 

So much so that she had to endure several more minutes of negotiation, the attendant was baffled by her selection, tried to show her the more vibrant crimson hued gowns or even the gleaming black gowns but Rey remained firm. Apart from being easy to move in, it was also the most modest of the gowns. She had no desire to bare her flesh or... Or what had the lady said? ‘Showcase’ anything. The idea had made her pull a face and the woman had fallen silent.

 

She left the store, the gown boxed with a pair of soft, flat soled slippers that matched the dress' pale blush hues - to be sent back to her lodgings. She had declined to purchase any of the jewelry that had been presented to her but it did not stop her from ogling the beautiful sparkling gems. She had not been permitted to touch them, however, her reaching fingertips swatted away several times.

 

She drew a deep breath. There were so many people! She wanted to find a place high above them to sit and watch. Everything was so enchanting... Their clothes, the colors they wore... The ornate way they twisted their hair... The gleaming gold of their jewelry.... She could have stood there for hours, except for the next squadron of female stormtroopers pushing into the store, prompting her to move off the doorstep. With her mission accomplished, she hadn't the slightest clue of what to do next...

 

Apart, of course, from obtaining food... Her stomach growled its agreement and she let her feet carry her along with the flow of people like a fish caught in the current of a stream. Her nose would have to serve her guide, something delicious calling her forwards as she entered a new section of the town. More open... Fountains... Gleaming golden arches with clear and colored glass domes over patches of lush green grass and in a crescent around the opening - food vendors! Her heart soared, hands clasping together as she approached them, trying to remember just how many credits she had remaining and how she might utilize them so she could obtain the most amount of food…

 

~

 

Ben was kept busy in the following weeks. Any decision that was made for the event on Vorkenna was reported to him before it could be approved. It was a different approach; to declare a land, a planet, to be their capital. It was not to merely be a weapon of mass destruction as Starkiller Base was. It was to be the place of their first colony. It would soon be a home, even the heart of their rule. For Ben, it would be nothing less than a kingdom. He had only occasionally visited what would be his own capital before the event, but he knew the environment. He knew how pleasing it could be, even for him; with its warm climate, the ocean that remained vast, cobalt and glittering, as though a thousand jewels were being littered continuously upon its glassy surface. The columns of the city, the glassy domes, the glistening wealth, the lush green foliage. It was a planet full of life and peace. It was almost a joke that the First Order, which was built on the craft and the bloodshed of war, should reign there. The life that inhabited that place would be ruled, guarded, monitored and policed. Every action of The First Order was carried out in the name of Kylo Ren. A name he had neglected to call himself again since Rey’s appearance.

 

He was reminded again of the irony of being the ruler of an Order that he could not control. Ben could hardly imagine life without his title, his reputation and his ancestry, and yet he would spend years dreaming of it. The mere idea that he could have been anyone in the galaxy, without his responsibilities. With only himself to look after, not even a fraction of the weight of a new empire to consider or to worry about.

 

The meetings concerning the accords and the arrangements of the integration of the soldiers with the common people were both excessively long and exceedingly tiresome. Ben barely had a moment to spend alone as it seemed that everyone in the First Order was desperate to have an audience with him over one minor thing or another. It was because of events like these that Ben realised how much he had taken General Hux for granted. At least the man could do his job, and he could do it well. He would share Ben’s load if Ben allowed him to, and he would be brisk. He was energised, never lingering, never dreaming for a moment. Perhaps he was trying to prove Ben wrong, to fight against the accusations presented by CS-9874. He approached each new task with sharp precision and perfect clarity. For Hux, something as simple as the table cloths had to be arranged to his specific requirements, until he and the other officers had painted a cold picture on a warm landscape of what they believed perfection to look like. If the First Order was going to celebrate, even a show of joy would not escape the solemn grand designs which were typical for the Order’s nature as an intricate machine. Every aspect, every part, no matter how small, would work and connect together to establish the results.

 

All throughout the making of these plans, Ben felt as if he were floating numbly along, unaffected by anything, nodding and shaking his head, replying with empty words while he remained trapped in the solitary prison of his thoughts. He knew this feeling well. It was before she had come back. This time it was worse because this time he knew: she was somewhere out there, in the crowds of stormtroopers and when they readied to arrive on Vorkenna, she would show her face and yet it was so unlikely that he would see her.

 

What would happen after she tried to make communications with his mother? Provided that General Hux would leave her be... Ben was well aware that his proposal to her had not been retracted. He would be especially sure to occupy him as much as possible, both to let her complete their plan and to prevent... whatever Hux’s plan might be. Ben couldn't grasp the simple idea that Hux had asked her to merely know her better, no matter how uncharacteristically genuine he had seemed. Hux had claws, and Ben was not about to leave Rey with him for a third time, or he would never forgive himself. There was far too much for which he could never forgive himself...

 

There was something other than Rey and his mother that concerned him in the weeks of the Vorkenna preparations. Ben couldn't define what it was. The only point of comparison that he could draw up in his mind was his emotional state before he had even heard of Rey. Before he had even heard the words: ‘a girl’.

 

This feeling was worse than that time. Far, far worse. Almost a reverse of what he had felt before. His ruthlessness was once threatened by the prospect of compassion. Now, his compassion was threatened... by the prospect of something ruthless. Ben had no idea exactly what. Perhaps Hux? Was a plan already being set in motion when he had asked Rey to the ball? Ben supposed that his vague instincts were not things to dwell on when the present moment was so solid and so clear. He would keep a watch on Hux, whether he liked it or not.

 

When he and the other officers were stationed on Vorkenna, Ben found it difficult to remain focused on the last preparations when all around him was the undeniable beauty of an entire planet that had given itself to the First Order, which Ben had not fully grown to know. What kind of ruler was he supposed to be if he didn't even fully understand the world he would be ruling? What did he know of the locals here? What would he ever know about the beauty of this place before the Order’s domination of it?

 

Luckily, within a few days, there was not much else to do except to wait. The officers, including Hux, were choosing some attire for the ball. Ben could hardly care less. He would stand in the atrium of their accommodation, or on the balcony, because these were to two places that had views to the open air, the wind and the sea and the city.

 

He could almost believe that if he looked closely enough at the shadows and the light dancing on the surfaces of the buildings, he could disappear within them. He could hear some chatter of some of the troops below discussing dress colours. It was freeing- for Ben to hear the human voices of everyone around him for once. A day when no one would wear a mask. A day when they could all accept that they were not and never could entirely be machines.

 

Ben thought of Rey, and his entire being grew heavy with longing. He missed her. He missed her so much that he had begun to ache from it. He looked out into the daylight and could almost believe that if he had learned to simply love the light, then she might somehow appear out of it. He had resisted his desire to try using the force bond again. She could be in any situation that might be suspicious or even lethal if Ben were to distract her from it, especially with the harsh discipline of CS-9874. It was odd to think that each of these codes would have an individual’s features when the ball would come.

 

As Ben spent more time lingering by the marble columns to stare through the bars at the open, sapphire sky and think of the glow of Rey’s eyes, he could sense some footsteps behind him from at least a meter away. He turned in equal question and dread to see Hux standing there. As soon as he had glimpsed the familiar red tinge of his hair, Ben turned away again. He was too tired to engage with him. Not that day, not that afternoon when the light was just at the perfect brightness to be beautiful without being blinding, with a gentle wind, kissing the edges of his face...

 

“Well?” The General asked expectantly, which forced Ben, however reluctantly, to turn back around. “What do you think?”

 

The General was in some formal silk, black robes, but with a lining of gold along a cape, hanging from his back. A golden wreath, symbolic of a crown, adorned his head. He was grand, he held a presence and he was clearly rich. All the things that he likely wanted to be, presented on a line between the flamboyant and the austere.

 

Why was he showing Ben what he had picked? Hadn't he anyone else to present it to? Surely he knew that Ben couldn't care less for the frivolities of the ball.

 

“It's very... you.” Ben finally answered, unsure on what else he could say and how else he could describe it.

 

Hux raised an eyebrow.

 

“You ought to find something yourself.” He pointed out.

 

Ben shook his head with a sigh, which caused Hux to look especially indignant.

 

“Or not, I suppose.” He grumbled before clearing his throat.

 

Ben was already looking back at the sea, already growing disinterested in the preparations once more. His disinterest must have been quite apparent.

 

“Whatever the case, it’s clear that you don't want to be here.” Hux continued and Ben turned back to him a second time in surprise that he had gone outright and said it, and that it wasn't even a spiteful comment so much as a simple fact. “You might as well leave.” Hux added. “I'll hold the fort here.”

 

Ben narrowed his eyes. It was severely tempting; to run off into the city, perhaps even in a disguise- just to see what it was really like and how people truly lived in this place... but whenever Hux wanted him out of the picture, Ben knew he was right to be suspicious. Hux caught on to that fact immediately and rolled his eyes in response.

 

“Oh don't be ridiculous.” He snapped. “I can't hardly do a thing if you're merely gone for...one or two hours, let's say?”

 

Ben took a deep breath. An hour or two. No meetings were scheduled for the rest of the day. The work was done. Hux had spent the morning trying on golden crowns... why shouldn't Ben finally be allowed his release?

 

“Fine.” Ben mumbled.

 

He passed by Hux as their cloaks brushed together in the gentle wind.

 

“Fine.” Ben repeated solemnly, though his heart was leaping to get away, even for such a short period of time.

 

He turned one last time as he made his way back to the entrance archway. Hux gave him hope as there was no smug or pleased look in his face which Ben had grown to know meant that he had achieved what he had wanted. Hux was instead simply... content. Perhaps it was the place. This heavenly place. Or perhaps... Ben swallowed and turned his back again. There was still a chance that he was only in anticipation. Anticipating what would come next.

 


	33. Chapter 33

Rey narrowed her eyes, her expression grim. There was a fierce determination burning in her gaze as she took measured steps. She had to keep a level head. This was not a time to let her emotions run rampant, she could not give in without scrupulously analyzing every option.

 

A realization that had come to her like a shock to her chest, already one small bag of treats wrapped in thin white parchment... Purchased because she had been drawn to their bright color... There was so much to look at so much to see, and it wasn't til she had handed over yet another credit that she realized she'd only stepped into three of the shops. She'd stared, jaw hanging open as she'd stepped out and realized just how many more awaited her. So many.... And her credits would surely run out soon... A disheartening moment, because she didn't think she would get more in time to come back and visit...

 

She shifted her weight from one leg to the other, chewing her lip. Temptation called to her. So many people with low hanging pouches... She'd seen street urchins dipping tiny hands into such things... She scolded herself, she was not a child... Nor was she an accomplished street-thief. That was when she'd decided she had to maximize her credits to the fullest extent. She had to balance the sweet with the savory because she could not choose between the two. The first bite she'd had of the wondrous triangle of flaking pastry... Crunchy on the outside, yet the texture had changed to something else altogether something gooey and delightful and it was filled with a molten core of... Of cheese? She thought she had died and passed into the Light, delighted noises spilling effortlessly from her lips as her toes scrunched in pleasure, digging into her boots as she practically swooned.

 

When she had finished, she forced herself to move on lest her lingering presence compelled her to order about a dozen more. She approached the next shop front - a kindly faced woman stood in front of it, a platter held in her hands as she smiled, beckoning to passers by. Some paper cups with a myriad of small brown clusters, she found herself drawn in, staring down at them in wonder. She began to reach for her credits when the woman smiled at her.

 

"Would you like to try some?"

 

"H-how much are they?" Rey queried, her earlier resolve to be much more discerning not forgotten.

 

"They're free to try, miss." She offered kindly.

 

Rey's eyes widened as big as saucers.

 

"Yes, please!" She crooned, taking the little cup from the woman's outstretched hand. She plucked one of the small objects from the cup and popped it into her mouth. It was... It was sweet, a hard coating... As she chewed, the little cluster mushed, dissolving almost into a creamy texture. Her shoulders wavered, gently she wriggled side to side with delight.

 

"They're nuts, from the Nelmia trees native to our planet."

 

Rey stared in wonder.... If they grew on trees..... Could she find a grove of them?

 

"They're.... beautiful." She breathed, sad that she had finished her bite, yet the sample serving was generous... Surely she could not pass by without purchasing some more...

 

"As is much of our planet, dear. I hope that the First Order shall come to love and cherish it as much as we do."

 

Rey blinked, of course! Her flight suit... Like so many others. Marking her as one of the invaders. She nodded her head.

 

"We do... I do... They all will... Vorkenna is.... Is so..." She scanned the arbor above them, noting the fine trellis work, woven with deep greenery, flowers blooming amongst the lush vines in varying hues of purple all the way to pristine white petaled flowers.

 

"I believe you." The woman chuckled softly, stepping away to offer samples to another stormtrooper who had been drawn in out of curiosity. Rey took her cup and wandered down to the next stall, she had taken to eating each delight at the stalls before moving on, the little bag on her arm being the only exception. Those, she wanted to save for later.

 

She didn't think a more perfect place could exist. This was what dreams were comprised of. Every wish was a pale echo in comparison to the bounty that Vorkenna could offer. Or so it seemed.

 

Her step halted, simply overwhelmed. A single soul amongst hundreds of others - each looking around in wonder or hurrying along with their business. She took a moment to cast her gaze upwards - the sky itself was so lovely and blue....The sun here was warm, and the spot of it she stood in felt wondrous on her face, eyes closed, lips curving into a gentle smile. The sun did not scald, did not threaten to burn, unlike Jakku... A warm caress. She drew a deep breath, lower her face as she became aware she'd stopped in a main thoroughfare and people had to pluck their way carefully around this strange girl warming herself in the sun like some sort of feline.

 

She wished that he could be here... That she could see him... To share this with him - did he know? Would he get a chance to see it? Or would he be trapped, endless meetings and consultations.... She could feel the smile slipping away from her face, feeling heavier and heavier. Until she... She straightened, immediately a tension pulled her upright. Was she just... Imagining? It was certainly possible but she could not settle herself until she had eliminated even the possibility. A throng of troopers moved past her and she lost sight of that strong profile, a shock of dark hair... She strained, standing on her tiptoes.

 

There! His back was turned but she knew those shoulders... She knew that form! Her heart swelled as she dropped down, feet planting firmly as she navigated swiftly through the crowd, only barely able to keep herself from pushing people out of her way.

 

"Ben!" His name fell from her lips in a soft whisper as she pushed closer and closer - bursting out of the flow of foot traffic only for him to have disappeared. Chewing her lip, she turned 'round and 'round - eyes scanning the passing faces, looking for him.

He had stopped, a few feet away, back still turned to her as he examined something before him. She ran, nimbly ducking and weaving her way through the masses. She would not let him from her sight! As if the universe had heard her desires and granted her this wish - she would not squander it!

 

She collided with him, unable to pull herself up quickly enough, having maneuvered around one last unsuspecting soul to find him before her. She could not stop herself, arms wrapping around him tightly, his back so broad... So firm, so real.... She nestled her cheek against the sun-warmed fabric of his cloak.

 

[](https://ibb.co/X8ZQkH6)

~

 

It was a lot to take in, even for him. At least the bustle of the street could mean that he would pass through somewhat quickly, hopefully without being stared or pointed at. It wasn't easy for a man as tall as he was, with an obvious scar across his face. He attempted to follow the current, the flow of the bodies in the gentle warmth of the sun that had nevertheless heated his black clothes. He had found himself amongst the food stalls, a thousand different aromas mixing in the air. The sweetness combined with the perfume of hanging flowers in purple and white. Ben wondered: would Rey have seen these flowers? Growing up in the desert, she would surely value the beauty of greenery just as she had loved the Odo berries.

 

Ben began to follow the sweeter scents that he could find as his mind lingered on her. What would she love most of all about this place? He imagined the food. He tried to think like her: to merely appreciate what was wholesome, but pleasant. He would take so much for granted that if he didn't do so, the sights and smells would flow over him without much effect, aside from the slight dizzying sensation as his eyes were drawn in different directions. The people in the streets created an ever-shifting liquid. Finally, his look fixed on something. A different type of flower. The bud was pure as snow, but the tips were tainted with the colours of dawn.

 

“Pretty, isn't it?” The salesman at the stall commented casually. “That's a Delphica, that is.”

 

Ben was startled that he hadn't been recognised, but the vendor was distracted as he spoke; he watered pots and turned from one side to the other, addressing other customers in a multitude of languages. Ben had hardly worn gloves since his meeting with Anakin Skywalker. He was grateful for that, as he was swiftly and easily granted the ability to lightly caress the outer petals. It took little time to purchase. Ben wasn't entirely sure what he planned to do with it. It seemed too simple, too delicate for his world, with it’s long, slender stalk and star-shaped leaves. He turned the delphica in his hands, and thought of her.

 

“I know that look.” The salesman continued with a gruff smirk. “You have a lady in mind?”

 

Ben could have laughed at how easily his expression had let slip the truth to a complete stranger. It was true. He could not draw his mind away from her. It was as if she were...

 

As if she were...

 

Ben felt the form of someone stumble into him. The Salesman chortled before going back to his business. Ben stood stock-still as he couldn't fully register what was happening until he recognised her embrace. His shock calmed quickly, and he softened. He could feel her head lean against his back and he stood there, stunned, for a moment, the corners of his lips twitched as a smile came close to surfacing and he blinked to stop his eyes watering uncontrollably. He had not realised how truly incomplete he had felt since their separation. His arms lifted to rest on hers, the delphica trembling between his fingers. 

 

He turned around, finally able to see her face. There was true delight, true joy in her expression, in the glimmer of her eyes. As soon as they faced each other, Ben longed to hold her in his own arms. He could not resist doing so and he gave in, pulling her into another hug, one arm behind her shoulders, holding the delphica to her hair, and the other on her lower back. He held her to his chest, to the beating of his heart. It was reckless, almost, but he couldn't care if they were seen. The shifting crowds would hopefully be enough cover. It was hard to draw away, but as it had always been, it was inevitable.

 

“Rey...” Ben simply breathed, hardly knowing where to start, and what he could say.

 

Ben could believe that he was in a paradise he was certain he had done nothing to deserve. The way the sky reflected in her irises, the sun that lit her hair and skin, the pure delight that, like the scents of the sweet foods, had passed through the air from herself to him. It would have been far too easy to stand there with her for eternity. It felt destined somehow. He never would have guessed that they would be able to meet before the ball. When they had first met, Ben had been the one to come into view when she hadn't been expecting it. He had learned to catch someone off-guard. He had learned how to frighten people. Here she was, after so long, emerging from seemingly nowhere at all, and surfacing, not to frighten him, but to flood him with joy.

 

He tore his eyes from her glowing face and scanned over the crowd. There could be too many eyes there. How much time did they have?

 

He looked back at the flower. Would she appreciate something this impractical? He noticed the treats within the bag on her arm. Would she prefer more food, perhaps? Ben couldn't blame her. There were delights here that even he would be tempted to savour. Nevertheless, he had brought the plant with her in mind. He looked from it to her, wishing that he could appear less like a hunched ghoul and more like a dashing gentleman.

 

“I...uh...” he was stumbling over his words, just at the mere sight of her. “I think we ought to go somewhere... somewhere... perhaps more... secluded?” He presented the delphica somewhat sheepishly. He wished he could have given her better, that he could have planned this somehow. “For you.” He offered in a small voice.

 

~

((https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=CbQCFBtmxio&index=9&list=PL5NWkcvux9eJROdtb2zHtSF6bMoCwr7Cc))

 

What more could she ever want, she wondered, mind hazy with the sweetness of the moment, relishing the feeling of him caught in the circle of her arms. It was a moment that could not have lasted long enough, not a million lifetimes could satisfy her. If there was such a thing, she hoped that their souls would fine one another time after time. In this life and every other that came after. Her eyes fell closed as she drew a deep breath. He had frozen, so still - it was the only reason she thought to loosen her grip around him, but his arms settled against her as she savored the moment just a little longer before taking the smallest of steps back as he had turned.

 

She was beaming, thanking the Force a thousand times over that he had not simply been a figment of her imagination. It would have been too cruel. It was a pain she did not have to know, a gentle moment of reprieve. She did not even experience the fear of reprimand. There was no trace of disapproval on his features as he turned to face her and she offered no resistance as he pulled her into his arms. She had forgotten the prison of rank and roles, the bars that had kept them apart had all but dissolved. All that mattered was the feeling of longing, the ache of his absence had been erased. As he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close - she had circled her arms around his waist. If only it was a little quieter, she might have been able to hear his steady heartbeat beneath her ear where she settled against him as peace settled over her.

 

Every struggle over the last couple of weeks, every moment she had spent wishing for him... Worth it, for the opportunity the universe had gifted them. A chance she had not even dared to wish for. She knew nothing in that moment but contentedness. She never wanted it to end. If only they could run away together. If only they could evade the forever reaching grasp of the First Order. But she knew how utterly... Selfish and dangerous such a suggestion would be. It was a legacy in the making. If they walked away and the leash of this mighty beast fell to the wrong hands... It would likely be impossible to wrest control of it back again. What right did she have to wish for happiness with him at the expense of the rest of the entire galaxy? None, she knew. The words never finding life on her tongue.

 

_ ‘Rey…’ _

 

Her name! She held him tighter - how could he have known that she had missed that, too? Or was it a lovely coincidence?

 

How strange fate was that the only ones they could seem to be their truest selves was with one another when once they had been pitted against one another as adversaries? She tipped her head back, chin resting on his chest as she peered up at him, a smile upon her lips, eyes half mast with joy as her eyes roamed over his face, greedily noting every detail. Every mark, every line... The architecture of her home, the framework of her heart's occupant... His eyes moved away from her, to the surroundings and she found herself blinking. Of course! How foolish of her! How forgetful! There were stormtroopers and strangers en masse around them! She felt her breath hitch uncomfortably in her chest as they inevitably had to part, panicking for a moment that they had been spotted. She took a step back, trying to look as completely nonchalant as she could. An effort in vain, as she couldn't keep her eyes from him.

 

_ ‘I...uh... I think we ought to go somewhere... somewhere... perhaps more... secluded?’ _

 

She cleared her throat, tearing her eyes away from him at last - scanning their surroundings for the solution. She spotted what looked to be the opening to an alleyway, reaching to take his hand. It was then that she finally saw what it was that he was holding, offering it to her. Her lips parted, eyes widening.

 

_ ‘For you.’ _

 

It felt like an age had passed, she could only stare in awe. She hesitated, afraid to touch something so beautiful lest she somehow damage it... Yet she could not help herself. She took the delicately wrapped stem, her lips moving wordlessly as she examined the beauty of the bloom, the pristine white fading into the colors of dawn's first light. The sumptuous green hue of the tender stalk. Gently, she smoothed her fingertip over one of the soft petals. Nothing like this existed on Jakku. Spiny dull tan colored plants had dotted a rare piece of Jakku, the unforgiving terrain offering practically nothing to draw the eye away from the endless sea of sand, the shifting dunes...

 

"Ben, it's..." She pressed her lips together, looking up at him before she could stop herself, she was grinning all over again. She'd never seen something so exquisite as this! Nor, she would reflect later on, had she felt like this before... A warmth spreading over her, soothing as it seemed to touch every part of her very being. It was a gift, truly for her - something that was now... Just hers. A possession the likes of which she had never had before. Something that served no real purpose beyond simply it's beauty, a blessing of nature. And it had come from him, it was his thought and his intent!

 

"Thank you!" She breathed, flushing with delight, her cheeks adopting a faint blush. It was perfect! Glorious, even. She made sure she held it gently, careful not to crush it in her grip. She could not have said why, having no explanation for the impulse that gripped her - made her strain on to the tips of her toes, using one hand on his forearm to brace herself, craning as high as she could to plant her lips against the strong line of his jaw she had been admiring earlier, in the briefest of feather light kisses. So soft, so quick she might have thought she had simply imagined it were it not for the lingering warmth upon her lips. She withdrew hastily, her blush deepening as she seized his hand, striding towards the alleyway she had spotted and out of the view of the passing citizens as if she could pretend everything was perfectly normal and she had not done the single most forward thing she had ever imagined in her entire life.

 

She was scolding herself for being so bold. So reckless! A show of affection she had seen exchanged between Finn and Rose when they'd all been crammed together on the Millennium Falcon - why had such a thing popped into her head now? Once the height of the buildings eclipsed them from the sun, the winding passage taking them out of immediate view, she halted her steps, releasing his hand, taking a moment to lean against the stone wall behind her - it felt warm to touch, as if the smooth stones had absorbed the heat of the sun, all the way down here. She tried to looked particularly interested in the flower, which, granted, was not particularly difficult, she was utterly mesmerized by its beauty. Gorgeous as it was, it could not completely distract her from the burning blush that crossed over the bridge of her lightly freckled nose and across her cheeks.

 

Timidly, she lifted her eyes to his face, wondering what she might see on his usually guarded features - certain that he must possess a wealth of emotion and expression locked behind many layers of composure.

 

~ 

 

When she had first taken it, Ben instantly knew that such a flower should belong with her, that if they were free, he would seek out flowers all over the galaxy, collecting them and bringing them back to her. So she could always be surrounded by them, by the beauty that she gave off herself. It somehow did not seem to him to be too laughable a notion. His experience of battle had worn him down. He did not possess the ferocity of an unending anger that used to lie under his every choice and desire. With Rey, flowers and Odo berries were simply the only things that he wanted to search for, if it meant that it would please her.

 

_ ‘Ben it’s…’ _

 

Any doubts he might have had were stripped away by the evident delight blossoming in her smile and how the intricate design of those petals seemed to enrapture her. Had she ever...held a flower before? Let alone a delphica? Ben would never understand the strain of living and working and surviving alone, on a desert planet that was empty of plant life. His admiration for Rey, his longing to help her only grew when he dared to think of how very much she had endured, and as an abandoned child, too. No wonder she seemed so easily pleased. Ben may have resented the pressures of his youth, but he had never felt so ungrateful until he had learned this much about Rey. Ben had two parents who loved him once. What did she have? What was the most that he could give to her?

 

_ ‘Thank you!’ _

 

She was beaming, and that alone was enough to rid Ben of any remaining traces of despair that danced with his thoughts of the past for a time. Her smile was infectious. He blinked and she was standing on her toes. Her hand met his arm to stabilise herself. Ben was in a state of confusion. Before he quite understood what was happening, she brushed a quick kiss on his jawline. He blinked, quite stunned as his cheeks began to heat. If felt for a moment as if he had just imagined it, but as he caught a glimpse of her own face, he saw that she mirrored his blushing state. Had Rey ever received a kiss in her life? He had at least been kissed on the forehead by his mother and received by her loving arms. His hair had been ruffled by his father. Where were Rey’s family to hold her and tell her that she was loved? Ben had tried so many times to banish his memories of any sort of affection, but each touch he had been given from childhood lingered. With Rey, it lingered with enough power to even make him believe that he was capable of loving again. That he had given into the compassion he was once warned of.

 

In an instant, she had taken his hand and was leading him away through the crowds towards the shade of an alleyway, the towering mazes of buildings helping to cover them. Still admiring the delphica, she leant on the stones of a wall behind her. Ben’s cheeks were still warm from her kiss, as if she were a match that had brought her light to his soul. She looked from the flower to him. Was he staring at her too much? Trying to capture every line, every sensation from this moment? He somehow knew that it would be precious. That something was coming.

 

Should he tell her? Had she felt it too? Was it all just illogical fears that had simply mounted over time? No. He couldn't bear to pull her towards the dread he felt, not just after her joy.

 

Still, his thoughts had reminded him of their purpose. He was so very lucky to have met with her. He had held the communicator she had given him in a pocket of his robes for the past fortnight. A small panic descended on him when he considered that he might have forgotten it, but, sure enough, his hand closed around a rectangular object. He pulled it out, presenting it with a lot more weight than the flower had held.

 

“When it's time...” Ben started, he was still mournful to turn the delight of this moment to a more serious matter, but this was necessary. His memories of his mother had compelled him to do so, to put his mind at rest. “...I'll try and distract Hux for you.” Ben promised in a whisper.

 

He looked around them, and was sure that no one could be watching. The more that Rey had allowed him to feel, the more his guilt throbbed like an open wound. It was why he was so afraid to love in the first place: because he would have to feel in order to take the full impact and responsibility of what he had done.

 

“If you get through,” Ben paused, trying to gather together what he would want Leia to know. “If you get through,” he tried again, “tell her...” tell her what? It seemed absurd to tell her anything. There was no apologising for killing her lover, his father. There were no words that could possibly be used. “Tell her... I still love her.” Ben finished.

 

It would never suffice, but at least he had been given this chance, through Rey, to at least send her his words and intentions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the lovely PandaCapuccino who made herself available to commissions! 
> 
> You can find her tumblr here: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/panda-capuccino
> 
> And if you like the picture (I totally got a gym bag and a print made of this <3) or her other works... You can find her society6 page here: https://www.tumblr.com/tagged/panda-capuccino
> 
>  
> 
> -M


	34. Chapter 34

Finn had taught her of hugs, a lesson only reaffirmed by General Leia after she had returned with Chewie and the injured Finn to be rushed off to the med-bay. She had been drawn into the woman's arms as tears flowed from their eyes, each seeking comfort in each other's arms. There was one who had never come back, never would step foot off the Falcon ever again - the one that Leia had stood vigil for, waiting - even though she had felt the loss, knew what was coming. So they had held each other, one having lost the love of her life and the other losing another fleeting connection, wracked with pain.. Her own and...She had been so worried about the possibility that she may lose her first friend, too.

 

The concept of a kiss was relatively new to her, never having been given one or to have given one away. Witnessing a few stolen kisses between Finn and Rose that had brought a smile to her lips - to see them so cheerful, so lost in their own world. The things she had witnessed at the Ninth Life, however... It was passion, of that she had no doubt, but not in the way she had ever experienced it. The blood pounding in the veins of those she'd seen pressing heated kisses into their dance partner's lips, their neck... It was not the desire to spill blood, nor rage weighing down their gazes. It was terrifying and had made her flush scarlet, turning away and busy herself with whatever task at hand she could find. But now...

 

She had looked up, his eyes had not strayed from her features. She felt her heart beating faster. She searched his eyes, catching her lower lip between her teeth as if she could taste the warmth of his skin still upon them, as her gaze slid slowly down to his lips. Silence stretched out between them but it did not rattle her nerve, she could feel something building - the faint blush on his features that seemed to mirror her own had served to bolster her courage. Her muscles tensed, preparing to move towards him, her lips parting ever so slightly, eyes fluttering closed, leaning in until she felt something pressed into her free hand.

 

She froze, catching herself, staring down at the metallic object laying in her hand. The faintly pulsing glow of the communicator... She blinked. Her resolve shattered, her daring disappearing as smoke from a candle just extinguished.

 

"O-oh..." She muttered softly, her face falling. She tried to make herself smile. It was shaky and died in nearly the very next breath. She drew a deep breath, putting a hairsbreadth more distance between them so she could reach up to the zipper of her suit, she pulled it down, secreting the device away, nestling it in amongst the wraps before pulling the zipper back up. It felt cold against the flesh over her beating heart.

 

_ ‘When it's time... ...I'll try and distract Hux for you.’ _

 

She nodded mutely, trying to keep her face blank. She wouldn't be weak. She would show him that she was strong. She wouldn't fail him. This... This beautiful moment that had come and moved along just as surely as one inhaled a breath and exhaled it in the next instant - she wouldn't let it get in the way of the task they had to accomplish.

 

"Of course." She said, her voice at least had not betrayed her - staying firm and resolute. She wouldn't be selfish, she told herself sternly. She had no right to feel the chill running down her spine - she was here to inform Leia to stop, if they were behind the attacks... That Ben was no longer her enemy...

 

_ ‘If you get through... If you get through, tell her...Tell her... I still love her.’ _

 

"I will..." She cleared her throat, nodding firmly as if the motion would stop the burning prickling of her eyes, as if clearing her throat might make her voice less thick. "I will tell her, Ben." It hadn't. She could feel something... Change. She risked a glance up at him - why did it feel as though the world had shifted? Why did she suddenly feel so afraid? She looked away quickly, down at the flower in her hand - the only thing she had to remind her that the moments they had just shared were not simply a dream.

 

Again, she felt the frantic desire to ask him to run with her... To leave all of this behind. It clawed at the knots in her belly, threatening to leave her undone. Scraping up her throat, leaving her raw. Yet they left her tongue in ribbons, robbed of her breath. She could not speak these words... She could not ask him to choose her over everyone else. Over his own flesh and blood. She stared down at her boots, ashamed of herself. He cared for her, of that she had no doubt. But she could not compete with love. Nor duty or his honor. She could not ask for these things from him, to strip him of the last of the pillars of himself. She... She would do what she must to ensure he was safe. In tact.

 

"Ben, I..." She had to get herself together, scrape up all the ends that felt as though they were unravelling. Spilling around her, frayed edges dipped in dread. She closed her lips against the words her heart beat against her ribs, a trapped animal in a fragile cage.

 

"I won't fail you." She said, instead, gently tapping the communicator through her suit. "I promise."

 

~

((https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TsaS1Z0ZM7s&t=0s&list=PL5NWkcvux9eJROdtb2zHtSF6bMoCwr7Cc&index=11))

Filth. It was disgusting.

 

The room reeked. Stale air. Trodden, damp hay. Leather. Sweat... Waste. Fear. Over that, a leaden scent, stagnant - hanging in the air; something sharp and metallic.

 

They huddled together, trying not to make a single sound. Stall doors rolling down, one after another. The pained whinney, harsh against the silence filling the stables. Heavy hooves stamping the ground, the plaster on the walls crumbling as the frightened beasts tried to kick down the barrier between them and freedom. A solid thud, something thick dripping to the floor... Anguished bleating... As one poor creature fell silent and still, another door began to lower.

 

It was coming closer. Hands pressed against mouths, eyes wide. Terror clutching pounding hearts with a glacial fist. There had been no choice, this was the only place they could hide. They'd run and run, lungs burning. Hiding here... They'd hid while screams had filled the air - not of animals, but of humans and aliens alike. Too scared to even peek through the slats in the gate door.

 

One of them screamed as the mechanisms of the stall door engaged. It lowered, a figure made silhouette from the blinking, stuttering lights crouched down to become level with them. A hand reached forward, swatting away the broom he held, taking his hand. A ring on his finger. The figure's head tilted to the side, flicking the small mechanism revealing a hidden image, concealing it again before make it appear once more.

 

"Come, now... Out you come. All of you. I've chased the bad men all away." A smooth feminine voice fell upon their ears. They clutched at each other, little hands seeking one another for comfort. A tug on his slender wrist, the figure rose, pulling him to his feet.

 

She guided him from the stall, the others following meekly - eyes wide as they stared up at her. They could not see her eyes, only her lips which were fixed into a wide smile. Some of them were crying now, eyes robbed of innocence seeing bodies strewn all over the stable floor. Crimson halos pooling under cooling bodies twisted in unnatural shapes like discarded cloth dolls thrown aside by a vengeful child's hand. Bodies of those who had beaten them, oppressed them.

 

"Who are you?" The boy asked, pulling his hand free of her loosened grip. One of the others gasped, taking his hand and examined his wrist, stained scarlet in the shape of her hand.

 

"I am reckoning." She responded calmly, kneeling before him. He threw his small arms around her neck, sobbing with relief. Her smile widened, gathering his small frame to her chest - an oddly maternal gesture, the fingers of one hand smoothing through his golden hair. The other guiding something sharp and cold between his ribs. His scream muffled against her chest. The others shrieked in terror, some of them caught in a prison of their own flesh - fear binding them in place. The others ran. Her head turned, tilting to the side - their light footsteps falling upon her ears. They wouldn't get far...

 

The knife came free, the small body toppling to the floor as she flicked the weapon, sending an arc of hot ruby droplets across the ground, soaking into the packed dirt. She stood up, advancing on the next one... The sound of snapping bone filled the air. The last had fallen to the ground, begging... Her lip curled.

 

"Oh, child... There is no such thing as mercy in this world or any other." She crouched beside the girl, hand smoothing a soothing circle on her back. "I know, because I have seen them all." She whispered, reaching forward, fingers linking around the tiny column of her fragile neck. She waited til long after the struggling had ceased.

 

In the distance she could hear sirens. She got to her feet. It was time to go. She had gotten what she'd come here for, anyway... She could feel it pulsing in her fingertips, caught under her fingernails... She made her way to her waiting vessel.

 

In no time at all, Canto Bight would be a tiny spec amongst a million other stars as she made her way to her next destination.... It burned like a sun, the phantom of something she could not quite remember, calling to her and she could no sooner deny it than she would allow herself to be denied.

 

~

 

Ben could feel it again. Whatever it was, it was eating away at him, or slipping through time, like a stream of poison. This time could not be wasted. Every second had grown more important, more precious. As soon as he saw the sorrow in her eyes, he scolded himself for bringing up the subject of their plan far too early, even to put his mind at ease. It was selfish of him to deny her further happiness in the moment because of his own concerns.

 

_ ‘Ben, I... I won't fail you. I promise.’ _

 

He didn't want her to think he doubted her. On the contrary, her word was the only thing he felt he could believe in. He appreciated her assurance, but still cursed himself for throwing them both back into the reality of their mission when the day, the environment, the moment had been so perfect. He had to make it up to her, while everything still seemed safe enough, secure enough, just for two hours... The light still shone high over them in the shining blue. The springtime breeze was youthful. Even the stones around them were somehow a delight to the eye with their roughened surfaces in both cloudy and fiery shades. There was still time, he told himself, he desperately hoped, now that their priorities were done with.

 

“Thank you.” He whispered.

 

It was more than a thanks. Words never seemed to do what he wanted them to. A thanks was not nearly enough to begin to sum up how much she had done for him. How she had introduced him again to happiness, compassion and peace; everything he had believed he would never experience again and would never deserve to have. With the undeniable joy that had come upon him like a wave on the shore, he was almost naive enough to question why he should ever feel anxious or spread his concerns to her again. He peered down the alleyway, watching the door into the direct sunlight on the other side. It was young and foolish to think of it, but if they could get to the beach, would there be less eyes to watch them than in the city? He could only hope so. He couldn't help his desire to see the ocean up close. He turned back to her, he was sure that his slight mischief was written in his small smile. He raised a hand to her cheek, lifting her face. He didn't mean to spill any of his sorrow onto her. As he gently brushed the edge of her face, he was filled with a determination to rectify it. Their time together in paradise would not be wasted. Her cheek was softer than the petals of the delphica.

 

“Come. Let's... go somewhere.”

 

He smiled at his own vague declaration. How like child he must seem. Yet, why should they not be children if their childhoods had been stripped away for the purposes of survival or training? Rey had been amazed with berries and flowers and food, but he was sure that there was so much that she had not yet been allowed to see, or experience after so much of her life had been spent in the desert. Ben couldn't comprehend his earlier sense of dread, but if the galaxy itself was to shortly crumble down around them, he was determined in the midsts of it to remember what he realised through his pride, his arrogance and temper had always mattered the most: the only one he had any will to fight for anymore.

 

“Rey.” He said aloud, partly because her real name on his tongue, especially after she had been forced to be addressed by a code, gave him a pleasure that he would never be able to explain, “Let me show you... what I love most about this place.”

 

His hand moved down from her face to hold hers.

 

Before he knew it, he was leading her briskly through the vibrant colours of the crowded streets again, still somewhat anxious that they could be seen, keeping to the shade, slipping in and out of main pathways. He even detached his cape, trying to be as creative as Rey could be and quite obviously failing, he drew it over his head as a kind of hood, a weak disguise, but it was fast, and better than nothing. The terrain grew twisted and less packed, to Ben’s relief, as they came further downhill and along smaller, rock-filled footpaths nearer to the cliff edge, where the wind blew more freely. He wondered if Rey was used to this kind of terrain from her time on Ahch-To, except that he was sure that it couldn't possess a fraction of the beauty that surrounded them both. That the island Luke had stayed on surely didn't glisten like a crown. The marble grandeur of the urban areas became smaller and smaller, like intricate shells, a second skin that was stacked in uneven piles along the landmasses, lifting and falling as elbows and knees made from grass and shimmering stone. Ben was aware that he and Rey had become two unrecognisable dots in the view that he had long admired from his accommodation.

 

They came to a view far closer to the beach which stretched below them. All this time, Ben had realised he'd been holding her hand. He gently let go, drawing his cape further over his shoulders, he looked to the horizon, which glowed in a blue that was almost electric, like Anakin’s lightsaber. It joined the light of the sky with the mellow darkness of the sea.

 

“This.” Ben exclaimed. “The ocean.”

 

He turned to Rey, his hair and quickly constructed hood catching in a most unglamorous fashion in the wind. Had she ever seen an ocean before Ahch-To? And did the one on Luke’s island even hold a candle to the beauty of their current surroundings?

 

~

 

_ ‘Thank you.’ _

 

She lifted her eyes from the thorough examination she had been performing on her boots. She was noting that she ought to have polished them, scuffed and dirty. Mindless, mundane thoughts to fill the growing void that the numbness she had allowed to begin to wash over her had created. But his words while spoken in a soft whisper felt heavy with meaning far beyond the two short words he had articulated. Her brow furrowed, meaning to ask him what it was that he was thanking her for, she had sensed it was far beyond simply passing on the message of his sentiment towards his mother. A request that she hoped she could fulfill successfully - hoping that her own words would obey her, able to convey feeling accurately enough...

 

But the moment was lost. His mind was moving elsewhere - he had begun to survey their surroundings. She followed his gaze, looking around to the other side, was something amiss? Had he heard something? She wanted to be sure that they had a full field of vision if that were the case - instantly she felt the numbness slipping away almost as if electric had ignited within her, making her hyper alert. Her eyes narrowed, searching the spots of shadow. Were they followed?

 

However, his hand on her cheek drew her face back towards him and she scanned his features. The gluttonous side of her nature had compelled her to lean into his touch. Instead of concern, of caution and alertness on his features - she was taken aback to see that his lips had creased into a small smile. His eyes brighter perhaps than she had ever seen them, gleaming with mischief. She blinked, unsure what he was thinking - it was... She had not been able to wrap her mind around the stark contrast of his usual demeanor and this seemingly... Playful change.

 

_ ‘Come. Let's... go somewhere.’ _

 

She couldn't help herself, curiosity drawing her in. The change in his behavior had drug her along, catching her into the flow of his energy - shifting away from the shadow of the looming uncertainty of the future. Her eyebrows perked in surprise at his suggestion. He was being... Frustratingly vague! Did he know how tantalizing the possibility of discovery could be to her?

 

‘ _ Rey. Let me show you... what I love most about this place.’ _

 

She delighted in the words he spoke, her name amongst them. If his intent was to test her resolve to remain solemn, he must surely be disappointed to see the mask fall away. She nodded, eyes lighting. She was smiling as his hand took hers. She laced her fingers with his as he took the lead. She followed him, having to take twice as many steps to keep up with his long stride. She kept glancing sidelong at him, watching as he tried to construct a hood from his cloak. She was tempted to stop, to help him, unable to stop herself from chortling at his efforts - knowing that a few well placed folds would grant him far more structure but he showed no signs of wishing to slow down.

 

She was laughing - their steps hastening to a run as the city fell away behind them as the terrain had turned to stone pathways that had not been worked by the hands of man but left simply with the perfection of nature's creation itself. The light melodic laughter fell away. Her jaw had loosened, eyes widening as she took in their surroundings. The wind had picked up, playing with her hair, pulling strands of it free from the bun she wore. Dragging it across her face as they had come to a stop, finally. She brushed at the strands idly, her eyes filled with awe as she took in the glorious landscape around them.

 

Below, the sand of the beach beckoned. So fine, so clean that it was nearly as perfectly white as the bloom she still held carefully. Ben released her hand. She carefully tucked the flower away, ensuring that the lightly gusting wind would not damage it. She had moved subconsciously to stand nestled into his side - his far larger form cutting the wind for her as she stared out at the ocean. The color was so vivid! So blue! Unlike the murky churning gray hues of the water surrounding Ach-To. This was nothing like it.... The waters of Ach-To had been as cold as her reception from Luke had been. She wondered if there had ever been a time when he was not so akin to his place of exile. Ach-To was a stony crown set in a churning sea, with unforgiving cliff faces that a single misstep would lead to crippling injury... If not death.

 

She looked up at Ben, the wind catching his hair and cape, flipping them about his head like a mischievous child. She grinned up at him, gently pushing the cape down back around his shoulders. Smoothing his hair back behind his ear with some degree of futility, she was too short to get a decent purchase and the wind was defying her.

 

_ ‘This. The ocean.’ _

 

At his words, she turned back to face the ocean. She wondered if it was as warm... The sun was so bright but it did not have the harsh glare of Jakku or even Jira... Could it possibly have the strength warm such a vast and seemingly endless body of water? She couldn't contain herself, an excited squeal bursting from her lips as she moved away from him, eyes quickly charting herself a haphazard path down to the beach itself. She deftly navigated her way down just as nimble as a mountain goat. She hit a misstep, stumbling but managed to regain her footing, sliding down and settling heavily on her backside in the sand - the fine grains instantly spoiling the black material of her suit. Ever resourceful, she seized the opportunity, pulling her boots and socks free from her feet, hastening to roll up the legs of the jumpsuit.

 

She stood, squelching her toes into the fine grains. The sand squeaked, so smooth! So warm!!!!

 

"Ben! Come down!" She waved her hand at him, beckoning him to join her. She was forgetting herself - forgetting that he had probably seen such things before but in her excitement, she couldn't restrain herself! She wanted to run - to feel it all! The made her way to the ocean's edge, feet suddenly grinding to a stop as the water came lapping up close to her toes. It was only a deft stroke of self preservation that caused her to stop - realization that she had absolutely no idea how to swim, even with her experience of falling into that water filled cave on Ach-To. Aside from that, she had two very important things to protect from the water. She clasped her hands together staring out at the waves gently cresting in frothing white foam for a short moment before her thoughts had returned to Ben. 

 

She hastened away from the water's edge, back to where she could watch his progress, hopping with excitement if not a little impatience. She darted towards him, unable to wait any longer, she looped her fingers with his, half pulling him along as she skipped backwards until her feet hit the warm water and she let out a surprised squeak, whipping back around to face the sea - having lost track of how close they had come to the ocean.

 


	35. Chapter 35

((https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RakZAuJ586g&index=12&t=0s&list=PL5NWkcvux9eJROdtb2zHtSF6bMoCwr7Cc))

He shouldn't have been surprised by her excitement, but such an emotion still felt foreign to him, and odd to admire in others. Still, he realised that it was her excitement that he had wished for most, and, like her joy, it was catching. He was stunned a moment later to witness her leaping and hopping her way straight down the rocky side of the small but steep ledge before them, slipping only once and catching herself straight after. Ben couldn't help but stand and watch her in admiration. She was so light, so fast, like she had become one with the dancing breeze. He imagined that she would be used to climbing, from trying to find what she might from the carcass of a ship. Ben resisted a chuckle as she dropped on the sand straight after her impressive manoeuvre on the rocks and didn't hesitate to remove her boots and socks. Even from a distance, she was a sight to behold. The wind had caught on the tresses of her hair. He could feel her childlike happiness, even from where he stood.

 

_ ‘Ben! Come down!’ _

 

He laughed softly at her frantic wave, her toes already wriggling in the sands. He had never felt so light in years, but he would no doubt be a lot heavier and more lumbering than she was, as he lowered himself from one surface of uneven ground to the next, attempting to copy her quickly-calculated pathway. She was already racing to the water's edge, though he noticed she had stopped before the waves could meet her. He began to wonder, from living on a desert planet, had she ever had the chance to learn how to swim? Likely not. He was only a couple of steps from the bottom when she galloped back towards him, leaning from one side to the other, unable to keep still. He smiled, and realised that it had become usual for him to smile when he was with her. Finally, he set a foot on the sand, and Rey waited no longer, she took hold of his hand and pulled him along, hopping and skipping her way up the beach as if she weighed nothing at all.

 

His cape-hood had come unravelled fast. Ben was delighted and relieved to see during their gazing over the view that this end of the beach was empty. He tore off his cape completely, letting the wind catch it and fly it back to from where he had come. Rey squeaked, bringing his attention back to her as her eyes were wide with surprise that they had come so close to the sea that the warm water had slid over her toes and the bottom of Ben’s boots. Ben paused to watch her reaction to the waves lifting and falling like foamy breaths on the soft dust of the sands. She seemed taken by it, fascinated by its rolling progress.

 

Ben leant down, quickly removing his boots and socks and throwing them behind him before meeting her hand again. He let his toes sink into the wet sand grains. He hadn't done this since he was a child. He looked back to her face and moved closer until their shoulders touched. A place and a time had never felt so... right. Just the two of them meeting the edge of the shifting waters, gazing at the jewelled blue wall before them with their hands still linked. The waves were so inviting, Ben wasn't sure how long he could resist the idea of letting the water soak down his heavy, black clothes. He turned back to Rey, who still appeared to be captivated, yet somehow cautious after her previous thrill. Ben took some patting steps on the wet sand so that he stood behind her, he carefully closed his hands over hers. She still held the delphica in one. He came close enough that he could lean his head on her shoulder, his chest meeting her back.

 

“We can go further?” Ben suggested in a murmur.

 

She stilled, and Ben wondered if the idea made her uneasy.

 

“It's okay.” Ben assured, leaning as close to her as he could. “I'll show you.”

 

Gently, he lead her forward. He had forgotten to pull up his trousers. He couldn't care. He could get drenched and it would be a release rather an a burden. The planet’s large gold star was just starting to lower. Ben didn't dare to think of time anymore. This could be as timeless as he wished, as he allowed himself to believe. It wasn't long before the water reached their ankles. The hem of his trousers was already heavy. Her hair was lifted by the breeze. It mingled with his and brushed along the side of his face. He was sure to be close to her with every hesitant step. With each wave, the water level grew until it swam around his shins and nearer to her knees, given the difference in their heights. Ben smiled at their progress.

 

“How does that feel?” He asked her.

 

~

 

She had become lost in his smile, the gentle creases at the corners of his dark eyes - how he looked younger. Somehow, it felt as if the worries of the world could not touch them here. A moment of pure joy encapsulated in this moment of time like an insect caught in firming resin. His cape had come free and he did not pause to even retrieve it, allowing her to pull him along. It was beautiful and she had not been paying attention, the water rushing over her toes and making her halt her progress.

 

She had turned back to look at the ocean, finally feeling a stillness smooth over her. The peaceful sound of the waves lapping at the shoreline - the way the sun had begun to lower to meet the far horizon... Time was passing them by. How long had she spent out and about? She'd only been allotted eight hours. It didn't matter. Whatever CS-9874 wanted to do in retaliation for her defying her precious orders, Rey would meet. Nothing could make this not worth the risk...

 

Her eyes scanned their surroundings, drinking in the beauty. She wished she knew how to swim. She wanted to feel the water on her skin... Still such a seemingly rare commodity that she couldn't help but delight in it - no matter the size or the source. She'd been mesmerized when she'd first seen rain. It had only just begun to rain when... When they'd shared their second connection. She regretted the way she had called him a monster and been taken aback when he had agreed... She felt Ben's hand meet with her own, his body moving closer to her own - so solid, so comforting given how much the water was moving in comparison... She leaned her head against his where he rested against her shoulder.

 

_ ‘We can go further?’ _

 

She became still, her heart beating a little faster. She wanted to, desperately. But she didn't want to drown, having plenty of unsettling daydreams about such things as she had carefully followed Luke around during his daily routine on Ach-To. She would be happy to wait here, she told herself - about to tell Ben that she would stay with their things - that he should enjoy the water... She knew without a doubt that simply seeing his own happiness would more than satisfy her.

 

_ ‘It's okay. I'll show you.’ _

 

She could feel him, strong - somehow sure footed in the shifting sands. She gave a small nod, telling herself she didn't need to be afraid. In spite of herself, her fingers tightened around his as they made slow but steady progress further into the water. He was strong. He wouldn't let anything happen to her. She was safe. It was a comforting thought and soon she did not feel trepidation in the least.

 

They stood together, the water reaching the hems of her pants legs that she had rolled up just above her knees. The water was gloriously warm. And perplexing! She stared down into the water - how perfectly clear and clean it seemed yet as her gaze trailed further towards the horizon - the water became a gleaming blue-green color so rich and glorious! It reminded her of a glittering gem, or perhaps of the hue of Lil's skin. Either way, it was magnificent.

 

_ ‘How does that feel?’ _

 

"It's incredible! I-I...I had always dreamed of... Of a place like this but..." She breathed, a wide smile blossoming on her lips. She remembered her dream... The island she once imagined herself as... The sea around it had never been so exquisite as this - her imagination had failed to construct a vision so perfect as reality had presented to them now.

 

"Ben, it's so beautiful!" She shifted, moving to stand at his side rather than in front of him, grinning up at him as she snaked one arm across his lower back, fingertips hooking over the thick edge of his belt. She told herself it was so she still feel steady in the ebb and flow of the gentle waves. Or that it was his warmth she was seeking in the face of the soft breeze. Simple excuses. But she knew the truth of it... It was because she knew she might not get this opportunity again for some time. She looked up at him, studying his features, his expression... The way the breeze lifted his dark hair. There was such pure adoration in her eyes, so plainly written was her fondness that if she could have seen herself she would have blushed for how easily read she was.

 

The truth of the matter was... He was just as majestic as their surroundings. No planet could surely be as worthy of him as Vorkenna. She was pleased that this could be his home... For a moment, she entertained the thought that she could share it with him. Truly. Not just as a stormtrooper, a code, but... With him, truly, as Rey - not having to duck into shady alleyways or hide in supply closets... She was staring... Hopelessly smitten and she knew it but seemed powerless or simply unwilling to stop herself.

 

~

 

As dazzling as the sky’s blurred and brassy reflection in the ocean’s deep turquoise mirror was, it would not have been complete without Rey standing there in the landscape. A living ray of light, an instant and charming joy in her white smile. If Ben had known that he would be a witness to her joy and this vast, sparkling environment, if he had somehow known how it would feel- he was sure that he would have abandoned his forces, his weaponry, his regret and anger many, many months ago. In this moment, he would do anything, just to remain, and to see her so happy, so at peace.

 

_ ‘It's incredible! I-I...I had always dreamed of... Of a place like this but…’ _

 

She had lived in this place, in this moment, for many years, yet it could never have been fully realised, like words that were too faint to fully decipher. He had known this landscape too in that same way. Perhaps that's why he had been so drawn there. Perhaps it was why he had led her there? Because something was leading him to the water too. How could something have lived for so long inside of them and yet still be completely unexpected? It seemed that everything that was destined between them still came as a surprise to him, like following clear path while still being unsure of where it could eventually lead. He had never been so happy to be on that path with her.

 

_ ‘Ben, it's so beautiful!’ _

 

She was right. He had seen so many worlds, constellations, systems, planets, stars and landscapes in the galaxy. Some of them grand, some humble. Some torn by war, others prospering from it. He had seen the arcs of towering snow-topped mountains and the valleys which held tumbling silver rivers. He had seen the stretching orange terrain of deserts and eternal oceans in blue. He had seen the tops of turrets in reaching cities that met with pale clouds. He had seen multicoloured villages surrounded with lush plant life and exotic fruits. He had seen green forests like the one in which they had first met that grew all the way to the horizon. 

 

He had seen a million stars from just outside his window on the Ordinance, all turning and winking in priceless shades of diamond. He had seen a sunlight filter through the crack of a window in the dawn. He had tasted Odo berries before. He had seen plenty of flowers that had reminded of him of the delphica. Yet, all of these sights, these experiences and moments, while all impressive and memorable, had never given Ben a joy and admiration like what he felt when he stood with her. That joy, he realised, was not due to the light, or the sea, or the town, or the wind, or the pale sand.

 

It was because of her that he had come to fully appreciate the beauty, not just of this place, but of everything, no matter how small. It was because she was there, and all else that he had seen and explored alone, not matter how pleasing to the eye, was somehow insubstantial without her place within it.

 

He felt her arm around him as she came to his side. Ben realised she was watching him, and he turned to scan her delicate face. Her warm, full lips had parted. Strands of her chestnut hair danced around her shoulders. There was something in her eyes that was sweeter than what Ben had only ever been able to glimpse. There was an acceptance, a kind of surrender that they had both yielded to. There was no hiding between them. Not with the way she was looking at him, the way he knew he was staring at her, unable and unwilling to hide anymore.

 

How could he put what he felt, what he deeply knew into words? How could he possibly begin to present it simply through his unwillingness to look away from her glowing features? He could hardly find his voice, yet he was determined for her to understand just what she had done. That she had the power to bring light and life to even him. That he wouldn't move from this place and from her for even the galaxy. What was duty compared to the golden light that was reflected in Rey’s hazel irises? What was an empire compared to her touch? What was his title compared to this single point in time?

 

Nothing, Ben told himself. In the end, this was what he would remember. In the end, he would trade any of those hours of being locked inside dark boardrooms or pacing past rows of troops for standing in this warm day alone with her.

 

“Yes.” Ben agreed. He raised a hand to her cheek again. “And so are you.”

((https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aQ3poU70uIE&list=PL5NWkcvux9eJROdtb2zHtSF6bMoCwr7Cc&index=12))

 

There was never a more genuine truth in his heart, though he was sure he must have sounded foolish. Foolish, foolish love. Yet how could he not have said it when it was so true? It was as irresistible as the opportunity to hold her face again. The sun had kissed her cheeks, making them warm. The sky was fast turning from blue to holding traces of rose. Everything grew still. As if they were the only two on the planet, even in the galaxy. Everything that had felt insecure beforehand somehow fell into place, like stars aligning in the constellations he used to once study. The sea had calmed further to a surface that almost looked solid enough to walk on. The wind itself grew quiet, as if affected somehow by the state of peace he was sure they both shared. Could she feel it too? The quiet? The balance? As if he were being pulled, he leaned closer to her. His heart began to speed. Was he too forward? Should he try and explain himself, or did she know with the same certainty that he possessed... that this was what was meant to be?

 

“Rey... I...” he tried to phrase his thoughts, but they were running a mile a minute until he couldn't process them at all.

 

His words failed him. There was another way to say exactly what he wanted. He closed his eyes, they were inches apart. His other hand cupped the other side of her face, and he met his lips with hers.

 

A couple of short years ago things had been so different, though now they seemed so far away. A change had come. Slow, but steady as the waves that flowed around their legs. Fate... Or the Force, had brought them together time after time. At first they had resisted. Or, at least she had. She had feared him and her fear had made her want to vanquish him - pinning all the chaos that crashed over her small and uneventful life onto his formidable stature. And had done so unfairly. She wished now that she hadn't, if she had known that something so precious as this moment could have been possible, she felt as though she would have wasted no time. But it was plain to see, she had not been ready. Not back then. There was no telling what could have resulted if she'd been willing to join him sooner. Her brief encounter with Snoke had more than assured her that being rid of him and free of his influence had been the best possible outcome, if she had joined Ben then - would he still live now? Would she have been broken and brought down into the Darkness with Ben while hope of the Light vanished from their view? Would they still have found peace together as they had now? It didn't seem likely.

 

He, on the other hand, had always seemed... Drawn to her. First, she was certain for the purposes of his mission to find Luke and because she was at hand while BB-8 was in the wind - nothing more. But he had done things that she could not explain. Waiting patiently for her to awaken when he could easily have treated her to the same routine as any prisoner to be interrogated would have been. But her flesh did not bear the marks of his ire or of the others. He had even tried to make his interrogation as gentle as possible - the worst pain was of her own making for how violently she resisted. In a way, she had been protected. He had accommodated her when she'd remarked on his mask by removing it - shattering her perfect delusion that he was a ghastly beast when instead he wore a rather human face... Then against all reason, even as she was trying to escape - he had offered to teach her, to guide her! But she'd been resistant. Stubborn. She hadn't been equipped to contend with these emotions, still conflicted over her past, not ready to let it go.

 

After Starkiller base, she had been haunted by his face. Not simply the injury she had dealt him, nor the one he suffered from Chewbacca's wrath... But the expression written upon it. Not of hate and of loathing - those she would have been able to accept. But something else, something for which she had no words to define.

 

Everything that had followed had served a purpose. She had grown from the trials she faced... Matured. She had cut herself free of the anchors of her past with his help, even if she had been shattered by it at the time. Where once she allowed the past to bind her to Jakku physically, waiting in her lonely vigil, scratching the days away - she had moved beyond the desert planet but in many ways her mind had remained. He helped to free her of those anchors, those heavy weights in her heart. While she might never cease her longing to have known her parents - even if they were filthy junky traders - it no longer was what kept her awake at night with ears straining for sounds of their approach.

 

While she had always longed for companionship, to be part of something - she had never truly learned how. She had been alone, well and truly. Though she had joined with the resistance and she thought their plans were aligned - she was independent from them. Separate. Following the crowd like a listless shadow, making motions she didn't understand and had no context. Now, it was more than her. More than him. It was his mother, the surviving resistance members, the First Order.... The entire galaxy. It no longer felt selfish, she no longer felt ashamed because joining him no longer felt like a weakness. It was a choice, not desperation that kept her with him. She could have slipped away by now if she had truly had the desire to. Not until she and Ben had moved, backs together and fought towards a singular goal - their survival, had she learned what it was to truly be part of a team. He had taught her to trust. To believe. Not until he had sensed her on Jira, brought her aboard and found that their visions were aligning once more had she understood what it was to work towards a larger picture. All things she could not have done when he first stepped around the bend on Takodana and she'd fired his father's loaned blaster at him.

 

As she looked upon him in the day's slowing setting light, she could scarcely imagine being afraid of him now. She had seen a part of him that was kept hidden from all others. She knew now that he was capable of great tenderness, a sweet thoughtfulness, and kindness. It made every small smile, the softest sounds of his mirth or the touch of his hand upon her all that more valuable. Treasures. Gifts, even, that he did not bestow upon the others. Did he realize how precious and adored he was? She hoped only one day to have the strength to find a way to show him. Every day for the rest of her life, if she could have her way. She could not imagine the journey he had undergone that slammed thick steely doors over his beating heart, nor did she understand the chains placed there to hold him back. Her heart had never been dangerous to her - no one had ever wished to lay claim to it, to know it. No one wanted to steal it away or break it. She didn't know what it was to have to hide her emotions away, to harden her heart against countless wounds. She did not know what it was to be a prisoner shackled in her own flesh.

 

That was what she had discovered - the anonymity she'd possessed had protected her. There was nothing wrong with being a nobody. It was, in a way, freedom. No expectations. A luxury for all that Ben may have ever experienced was not numbered amongst them. Was she the first to want him simply for himself? That the legacy of his blood was not what made her reach for him. The exquisite beauty she saw was not the power of a legacy or legend. Just him.

 

She had torn her eyes away just long enough to admire the ocean around them, remarking of the beautiful surrounds.

 

_ ‘Yes.’ _

 

His hand on her cheek prompted her to turn back towards him, lifting her face, a small smile on her lips. His hand felt warm. The sweetest reminder that she had not fallen astray into a dream.

 

_ ‘And so are you.’ _

 

She blinked at him, a lovely blush rising to her sun-kissed cheeks. She had been taken aback. No one had ever given her a compliment before. Unsurprisingly, no one had ever looked at her the way he was looking at her now. She'd never really thought of herself in such a way - whether she was pretty or not. She would have been frightened by such things not so long ago, to have his or anyone else's attention so thoroughly. For them to think such things of her... Her heart skipped a beat and made up for it when at last she remembered how to breathe again.

 

"Thank you..." She spoke softly, eyes cast downward for a moment out of embarrassment - perhaps for how lovely it felt. She tried to think of what might be appropriate to say after such a statement... Should she remark on how handsomely made that he was? Tell him how each and every piece of him seemed to fit together with perfection, that surely there could be none created in such a fine way as he? How utterly resplendent he was? That it was more than simply this lovely frame he had been adorned with... That it was his heart... His soul - that which she was bonded to... All of him!

 

She was no poet, though her heart sung - everything she wished to say sounded... Utterly inadequate. When faced with him directly, when everything felt so perfect... So still... When it felt as the entire world had faded away and it was, as he had said in that snowy forest - it was just them... Trying to speak these clumsy thoughts, though full of genuine intent would surely only ruin the moment...

 

_ ‘Rey... I…’ _

 

It seemed he waged a war with his own tongue, failing to find words. It was somewhat heartening to know that in this, they were evenly matched... Were they the same words that came to her suddenly like the strike of lightning on the desert plains - taking all that was scattered and small - tiny grains and crystallized it to something perfect and clear? She peered up at him, lips parting to speak.

 

He caught either side of her face in his hands, so gently... She never knew, could never have imagined that surrender and acceptance could feel so much the same and that they could feel anything like this... Her eyes fell closed as his did, her hands settling gently on his chest. She felt his lips upon her own. He stole her breath away in the kindest way possible, she leaned into him. She felt dizzy, light-headed but in the most pleasant of ways - the fingers free from holding the delphica knotted in his tunic in the effort to keep herself upright. It was such a tender meeting of their hearts upon their lips.

 

She realized that she needed to breathe, parting from him only enough to capture her breath.She smiled against his lips, daring to open just one eye - feeling elated beyond measure. Giddy, even. A small melodic laugh escaping her. She moved her hand from his chest to the back of his neck, gently pulling him closer as her eyes fell closed again, endeavoring to bring his lips back to hers. Surely if he gifted her this kiss, he would not mind if she stole another - unable to resist tasting him once more, reveling in every sensation that his touch brought.

 

She moved her hand again, as if it too had an appetite for the feel of him that simply one touch alone could not sate. This time it settled alongside his face, her thumb smoothing over the curve of his cheek, gently brushing over his scar. She broke the kiss just enough to brace her forehead against his - eyes opening to search for his own. Her chest rose and fell with the irregular beat of excitement. The words she intended to speak earlier finally rising in her throat, as if they had been made to perfectly fit in her mouth... As if her tongue had been crafted to speak them. She knew what it was that he had been trying to say, she felt it in his softly trembling fingertips, in the warmth of his lips upon her own.

 

"I love you, too, Ben!" She whispered breathlessly, closing her eyes once more, the breath he exhaled caught in the pull of her own lungs, she shivered at the fine tremor racing up her spine.


	36. Chapter 36

His heart sped with a different kind of adrenaline altogether. To fight a war was one thing, but to fall in love and to know it wholeheartedly? If he weren't so happy, he would be so afraid. He had little faith in many things, but Rey was not among them. To have faith in her, and in love itself meant accepting what he had once desperately tried to fight against. He had been so afraid of vulnerability for so long, but vulnerability was not all that he felt in his moment. He felt strength too. A different strength. A passionate strength, fuelled by their connection in the Force and even the connection of their lips. The only comparison to this feeling that came to his mind was when they had touched hands. Even that moment couldn't begin to summarise the elevation, the clarity that rippled through him.

 

He understood: their connection had led him from the beginning. Ever since he knew she would arrive in his life, he dreamt of her, he lived for her, and when the conflict had risen between them, he had been desperate to find some other way to avoid hurting her, begging her to let him be her teacher, begging her to join him, even asking her to kill him, all so that he wouldn't be forced to do to her what would be expected of him.

 

He no longer had any regard for what was expected, save for what would mean the survival of their love and their peace. He owed the First Order nothing, but Rey? She had finally saved him. Even after everything he had done, her own faith in him hadn't faltered. Her every action seemed to remain righteous, to be so certain and yet loving, and it had spread, until he too, had no doubts.

 

She drew away, but he could feel her smile, she even laughed, a laugh that was as free as a wave breaking on the shore. He could have laughed too. He was half-convinced that this was all a dream, that it was too good for him, that he would wake up alone again. He closed his eyes and he could still feel her touch. How real she was. He felt her pull him closer and he thought it wasn't out of the question that his happiness might make him float into the air as she pressed her lips to his for their second kiss.

 

The gentleness of her palm on his heated face made his heart swell, like a quickly-ripening fruit. His left hand moved to the curve of her waist, to support her while his right slipped from her face to her hair, enjoying what he could of the streams of silken tresses.

 

The kiss was broken and he leant his forehead lightly against hers, his eyes opening again almost in unison with hers. There was such excitement, such wonder in her look. Ben couldn't help but smile, wider than he could remember ever doing before. He couldn't care less if he looked like an idiot, it was impossible for him not to smile, knowing that she was utterly ecstatic, just as he was.

 

_ ‘I love you, too, Ben!’ _

 

He hadn't realised he had been holding his breath until he let it out, his delight having finally been liberated. How long had he truly waited for these words? How much had they had to suffer, how long had they had to hide, simply to have this time, and this moment alone? Those words that he thought he would never hear from anyone again, and to hear them from her lips... was kinder to the ear than any instrument. He cursed his defences, his attempts to be guarded, to dance between the light of his heart and the darkness of his mind without confining himself to either out of fear. He had come so close to saying the words himself, if only he could have been so certain that she would not think him the monster that he knew he was, and had been.

 

His eyes stung as they watered. He scorned himself. Why now? It was silly, it was childish. Why should he cry when he was happier than he could ever remember feeling in his life? What reason did he have to weep, when he held the very woman that he loved and had resolved to treasure forevermore, in his arms? What reason did he have to cry when the golden light was so dazzling, the aquamarine sea so calm and the rosy sky so serene? Of all that he could shed tears over, the losses, the regrets, the pains and disappointments, why should he feel any need to stain the peace and exultation of this precious time with tears?

 

He inhaled, trying to stifle his brimming ocean of released emotions, but like how he had struggled before with concealing his anger, letting it in loose bursts of explosive rages, he couldn't prevent... whatever it was that had possessed him to weep at what he was so glad of.

 

His smile hadn't faded, which he hoped would reassure her that his tears had stemmed from a place so far removed from the grief he was used to.

 

“I want to stay...” Ben vocalised what he knew made no logical sense, despite it being precisely what he felt.

 

He didn't want to move. He was desperate not to fall backwards to what he had been and all he had done, yet he had no desire to move forward in a place that still saw him as a ruthless dictator without a heart. He tried again, far too aware that the sun would soon meet the horizon’s line which suddenly felt as sharp as a blade, despite its rich and beauteous colours.

 

“I want to be with you.” Ben breathed. “No matter what...” he wiped his eyes, cursing himself for the millionth time for soiling yet another perfect moment. “No matter what...”

 

He couldn't continue. Their cruel reality made it a foolish and simple wish in a complex galaxy that was determined to drive them apart. How long did they have? Ben held her more tightly. It was as if he feared she would somehow dissolve. That all of this would somehow dissolve away all too soon…

 

~

 

His smile was more glorious than any dawning or setting of the sun. She tried as to memorize every detail, every line to preserve it. For surely the next time she found herself tasked with an unpleasant order, subjected to CS's ideals for physical exertion, her brutal training regime - it would be the memory of his smile that would sustain her. Or perhaps it would be the way he had settled his hand along the curve of her waist, the feeling of his fingers as they smoothed into her hair... Or simply the warmth of him beneath her touch and the way it felt like her heart was about to burst, full of a thousand beating wings straining to be free. She thought she might have understood the patrons at the Ninth Life who had clutched at one another in the dim and flashing lights a little better now... Their actions did not seem so entirely out of line any longer. If anything, now it inspired curiosity.

 

Then she had spoken the words, confessing what was written in her heart, in every beat, in every drop. It was a beautiful contradiction. Her love felt new but the truth of it was one that she had known for quite a while now. She had known it when their hands had touched. She could feel it when they had fought together... It was seared into her, straight into the marrow of her bones - evident in every dream she had sought him. What woman sent herself into enemy territory if not for the one she loved? And what woman but one strengthened by love would stay there? Perhaps one besieged with the onset of insanity... But how could she be insane when this moment held the clarity of such certainty that she had never experienced before? Surely something as clear and profound as this was not madness!

 

She noted the tears forming in his eyes, her expression softening further still. His emotions resonated with her own. There was so much to process; the relief of having finally made such a confession both to him and to herself... The joy... It filled her, brimming with elation that she could not contain. Though her own vision grew blurry as a delighted mirror of him, she smoothed her fingertips over those drops that escaped his dark eyes, pressing her lips to his jawline to catch a stray that she had missed. And another on his cheek. She had laid several soft and fleeting pecks to his tears until she at last satisfied herself with pulling him into another embrace, arms wrapped around his waist.

 

_ ‘I want to stay.’ _

 

She nodded her agreement against his chest, unwilling to deprive herself of the feeling of him in her arms. She wasn't sure how they would be able to part ways. It was an exquisite form of torture she had no desire to partake in. Yet she knew that they would eventually have to return to their lodgings... How would they manage when this now felt like the only reality and everything before felt like a distant memory or a fleeting dream? Though, even if he were to stay here with her, the rest of the galaxy would carry on. His mother would still fight against the darkness that lingered in the First Order and only after they had reconciled did Rey feel that she could rest with him in truly perfect peace.

 

But already, the sun nearly met with the horizon, offering the land and the sea a vividly colored kiss of its own. She had no doubt that she had well and truly surpassed the eight hours given to her. Still, it did not encourage her to hasten herself back to where she'd left her things. Not even the bag of sweets she'd tucked in next to her boots was tantalizing enough to lure her away from him. A ridiculous thought - nothing could convince her to leave him now, least of all food. Of that she was certain. But it would only make things more difficult. Trying to continue on as they had before - pretending that there was no familiarity between them…

 

_ ‘I want to be with you. No matter what... No matter what…’ _

 

She chewed her lip ruthlessly. His words were the echo of those she had not yet spoken. She felt as though they had sent a hundred tiny fractures into the core her heart. She wanted to be with him, too... But if they did not complete this mission they had agreed to and something were to happen... Surely he would grow to resent her. Hate her, even, for having distracted him while the last of his family perished upon the sword of this generations-long struggle. She didn't think she'd be able to forgive herself, either, for that matter. To deprive him of his true family though she desperately wished to be part of it. Not as a sibling, and not as a parent or child, either.

 

"We will be together. I promise." She leaned back only so far as to be able to peer up at him. Her tone was firm. Assured of this fact - she had no intention of leaving unless it was with her hand twined with his. Come the highest tides or hell-fire itself, she would not abandon him. She would find a way. Even... Even if it meant they had to burn down the First Order from within and cripple the resistance for good. She didn't think there a single thing she was incapable of doing now, if it meant their future together was secured.

 

"After we contact your mother... We can arrange a place to meet her and..." Dare she say it? Dare she speak it? Could she truly be so bold as to suggest such a thing? To abandon the galaxy to it's squabbles while they sought a place that they could live our their days in peace? Selfishly, she wondered why not? After all, what did they owe billions of lives of those they had never met when they shared something like this together?

 

"And then we can go. Together. Anywhere you want... I'll be by your side." Her tone was almost desperate, her resolve made ardently clear. In her dream, in this hopeful view of their future, Leia would come with them. And all the well-worn wounds could begin to heal. She could only imagine what hardships Leia would have to overcome to forgive him. Her own flesh and blood had stolen her heart's love. She could only hope against all odds that Leia would be a saint... Stronger than she, Rey, could ever be... Knowing full well that if someone dared to take Ben from her in such a way as Han had been taken from Leia.... There would be no place in this universe she would not travel to exact her revenge. No deed too dark if it meant she could impart her pain on the thief of his life. She hoped it would not come to that - that she could keep him safe and that they would remain together. She had to hope that Leia would cling to the fragile precious remaining piece of her old life, her last connection to Han in spite of the fact that he had been his father's murderer....

 

She felt the twist of fear. There would be others within the rebellion that would want for his blood, too. Call for justice. They had lost much in the name of the First Order - few of them would be able to understand that Ben had not been the one to make those decisions... She had endured only a short time under duress of Snoke's ministrations while he had been subjected to years... He had only acted on Snoke's demands... At least, this is what she had to believe. He was not the one to make these decisions... Decisions that had robbed Poe of his partner, the one who had tweaked and worked on the droid BB-8, modified him into Poe's most faithful companion... It had not been Ben who had stolen Finn away in the night, depriving him of his parents... Nor was he the one who ordered the retaliatory strikes that took Rose's sister away from this life. And it was not Ben who had provoked Luke, not exactly - he had shown himself on Crait of his own accord... Perhaps even at his sister's request. Rey grit her teeth - she would have to try to make them see...

 

But there would be time for that later... For now... Her heart felt tied to the sinking sun. Only the prospect of being parted from him could mar the perfection of the moment. She did not want to be the one to turn away first, this time. She couldn't bear to bring herself to voice the suggestion that they should make their way back...

 

"I am going to be in so much trouble." She muttered, trying not to think of the very real consequences. Instead, in the effort to create a distraction, she found herself offering Ben a crooked grin, eyebrow perked mischievously, "I daresay, CS-9874 is going to have me detained. It would be such a shame, if I had to stay back at the residence all day tomorrow while every single other soul in the First Order had to go on excursions... Perhaps the Supreme Leader will have to stay back and address my insubordination personally." There was playful sarcasm in her tone, a glint of something akin to hunger in her eyes. She was aware that she was, in a way, propositioning him. While her words were bold, her body was a traitor, a faint blush blooming on her cheeks once again. She would have been lying if she said she did not want to spend more time with him... Alone... If she said that she did not want to place her lips upon him... Her hands... Her heart raced at the thought, rather vivid mental images came to mind and she cast her gaze downwards lest he, somehow, be able to see them reflected in her eyes.

 

~

 

_ ‘We-will- be together. I promise.’ _

 

Always so certain, always so strong. How he admired it. How he envied it. Never had it seemed more ironic that he had once told her when they met that he could get whatever he wanted. The reality was that he could get nothing that he truly desired. All this power, this influence... was ultimately for nothing that could satisfy him. For so long the two of them had been searching. He was sure she had searched for a family and a home, both of which he longed to give her. He had been searching for his place, his peace.

 

He had found it. It was standing before him in the form of her. She leant back softly, allowing them to observe more of each other clearly. Her features had grown harder, like marble, and he of all people knew that her will and her faith were powers to be reckoned with, so much so, that he could nearly believe her words, however impossible their circumstances might be. That if he couldn't do anything he put his mind to, she could. The very same feeling that he had when they had fought back to back, the certainty, despite all the fires of hell around them in Snoke’s scarlet throne room. They were hopelessly outnumbered by the most skilled of Snoke’s forces and yet he was sure he knew that they would not be beaten. That fate willed them to go on. What would fate have in store for them next? The thought of the question alone filled him with anxiety. Something was coming...

 

_ ‘After we contact your mother... We can arrange a place to meet her and…’ _

 

He longed for her plan to be carried out as easily and swiftly as it had taken her to say it, but he knew better. Even the best case scenario was filled with complications. The idea of meeting his mother, if she even possessed the slightest desire to ever be in a space with him again, made his stomach churn. He wanted to meet her, of course. He had wanted to do so much, to say so much, for so long. Not even a lifetime would be enough for him to tell her what he wanted. He feared not even Rey’s word would be enough to restore any faith she might have once held for him. There was no going back. There was no making amends for the trail of murder, of genocide, of the torture and the suffering that he had left behind him, like rough footprints, and scars in the sands of what was once a pristine beach. Even with ocean of their love embracing the shore, his sins could never be washed away. There was no bringing back Han. There was far too much, far too much to take back. Each stolen life could be a shell half-buried in the sand grains. It was suffocating. There was no fixing this...

 

This was why it was so much easier to call himself a monster and a villain. Why it had been so easy just to remain in one place. Why he had attempted for so long not to feel. If he believed otherwise, if he longed too much to earn any kind of forgiveness or acceptance... any last remaining shred of love that Leia didn't owe him... it would hurt all the more.

 

Still, he would do it. It was a severe understatement to say that it was the very least that he could do. It wasn't just his mother that he owed his heart to anymore. It was Rey as well. Ben thought of what he had known so certainly when standing inside the glowing hue of Anakin’s ghost. If Darth Vader could return to this world as a young man with a generous and loving soul, even after the immense destruction the Empire had caused, even after the pain and grief of his life and his death... couldn't Ben do the same? Hadn't he been given chance after chance to do so even before the time would come for him to die?

 

_ ‘And then we can go.’ _ She continued, sketching the perfection of her vision further for him.  _ ‘Together. Anywhere you want... I'll be by your side.’ _

 

It was all of his deepest desires cast in a few simple sentences. The forgiveness of his mother, the two of them together and for them to be free...

 

His smile had faded as he contemplated his mother and his crimes, but what she continued with had brought it back, however weak it was. Where would they go? So long as what she said did come to pass and she was at his side, he had no preference, nor any idea.

 

They were running out of time, yet so much was yet to be said. The sun already rested on the horizon. Ben, illogically, became angered with the very sky itself. Despite its beauty, the connection of this planet’s sun with the sea would ironically be what would drive them apart all over again. He dreaded to think of the burden they would have to face alone, since they were to be separated again.

 

_ ‘I am going to be in so much trouble.’  _ Rey murmured, as if she had read his thoughts.

 

Ben felt a guilt bloom instantly within him. What time was she expected back? How much trouble had he truly got her into?

 

_ ‘I daresay, CS-9874 is going to have me detained. It would be such a shame, if I had to stay back at the residence all day tomorrow while every single other soul in the First Order had to go on excursions... Perhaps the Supreme Leader will have to stay back and address my insubordination personally.’ _

 

She lowered her gaze, her cheeks flushing more prettily than the pink of the sky. Ben chuckled softly, almost sadly since he was unable to fully shake off the weight of his dread and the discomfort of his guilt. If only he could! Was there no way to help her? He was the Supreme Leader, surely he could do something, anything to prevent her punishment, delivered by the cruel and hardened superiors who would nevertheless fall to their knees if Ben willed it so. Yet for him to make another stand to defend KR-0117... after Hux’s fiasco when he asked her to the ball, after he had taken her from her cell, after he had sent her on a mission, after he had taken her squadron onboard in the first place... the pieces would fit together eventually. The news would spread as quickly as flames, the entire Order would question what made this stormtrooper so special. Ben knew there was no hiding forever. Someone, anyone, at any time, could discover the truth.

 

He reminded himself: he had to have faith. He had to have faith in her where he had lost faith in almost everything else, including himself. Rey had never failed him. Their bond had never been broken, both in the web of danger and the release of their moments alone. Whatever was coming, he had to simply have faith in her words.

 

“He certainly would.” Ben said, adopting something of her mischief in his tone, though it was mixed with his melancholy. “If only the Supreme Leader could engage himself in these matters. If only he could do as he wished.”

 

He looked gloomily back to the shore. It seemed as if they had been pulled a little further into the sea and he hadn't even realised it. Was the tide coming in? A metaphor far too gentle, Ben feared, for what would soon be upon them. He was sure that Rey was following the path of his mind.

 

Ben had known too many painful goodbyes. Some he had merely conjured up himself after the loss. He had never vocalised a goodbye to his father, but he made one some weeks later nevertheless. Something pulled him back to the loss of the Knights of Ren. He had never said goodbye to them either...

 

He shook his head, as if it would banish it, as if it could help him suppress it again. Why did this memory nag at him like a weight on a chain? Was it because he had regained his heart that he was beginning to finally accept and comprehend just how much he had truly lost?

 

He let himself fall out of it. He was here. He was still in this paradise, with her. Neither of them could bear to leave. Both of them had to. Ben couldn't get her into any further trouble. If she could return before night, maybe her punishment would be less.

 

What of himself? Would the officers have begun to notice he was gone? Had Hux kept his word? Was he still busy trying on long capes and crowns of gold? As his thoughts inched further and further from the delight that he had just shared with her, the rosy sky grew more deeply into a shade near to a crimson stain.

 

Ben took her hand and began to edge back towards the white of the beach, each step taking far too long, and yet, hardly long enough. He looked her in the eye. He knew she was as reluctant as he was. It took effort enough to put his own feet in front of each other, let alone taking her along, removing her from this vision of beauty where he was certain they both belonged. It reminded him of when he had dragged her from the cell, knowing it would hurt her, cursing himself for how cold he could make his own heart when he needed to.

 

Finally, their feet met the dry sand, each grain sticking to their skin. They made slow progress up the beach, but found the end of it all too soon. Ben didn't want this... he couldn't bear to turn from her to find his boots and cape. He faced her. One last time, he told himself. He pulled her into his arms, hugging her close to his chest. Her embrace only made it harder. He knew. Somehow he knew: this moment would never be repeated. Not like this. Like the tide pulling in, the blue waters fast turning to grey as the sky fast turned to scarlet... something was coming that could turn even this beauty into pain. He said nothing. He didn't want to frighten her. She had enough to think of for the current time. They would both need to prepare for tomorrow.

 

Ben pulled away, forcing himself for what felt like the hundredth time to be detached. To be dark.

 

“I can't keep you any longer.” Ben admitted under his breath. “I’m sorry, Rey.”

 

He turned away to pull on his boots and find his cape, his heart already sinking, just like the sun after the glorious height of its great ascent.


	37. Chapter 37

 

She would never have said those words if she had known the guilt that would be imparted upon him. She frowned slightly, dropping her hand to his own, smoothing her fingers over his knuckles gently as if she could smooth away the shadows that seemed to rest on his shoulders like birds coming to feast on carrion. A morbid thought, one that left her feeling morose and slightly chilled.

 

_ ‘He certainly would. If only the Supreme Leader could engage himself in these matters. If only he could do as he wished.’ _

 

She wanted to assure him that he would be able to one day. That he could do as he wished. Particularly when it came to her... However, concerning other matters, the words would ring hollow. Sugar coated lies as sweet as the delicious lollies she had sampled in the merchant quarter. But lies, nonetheless. They serve neither of them well, a cruel salve on the soreness of the knowledge that they were not free. Not yet, at least. She had to remain focused - Leia had often spoken of hope during the short time she had spent with her and those words heartened her now.

 

The moment was ending. He began to lead her back towards the shore. No matter how she wished to resist, she knew that she couldn't. She had her trials to face upon returning, as would he - surely the demands placed on him would be greater than those placed on her own narrow shoulders. She wished she could help... Offer some kind of words that could help bolster him during the times ahead. Being a man of few words, she could only imagine how daunting it would be to have to engage with diplomats and current residents who had held power...

 

Their steps were lingering, she could feel the hesitation in him as well as she could feel it in herself. Neither one of them wanted this…

 

They had made their way back to their belongings. She stooped to pick up her boots, the bag of treats... Carefully she placed his flower in with them, withdrawing a couple of the wrapped goodies and she offered them to him. She wished that they could have been as beautiful as the bloom he had gifted her but perhaps they would make him smile while she could not be with him... Though the thought of missing one of the rare curve of his lips made her feel somewhat sad.

 

_ ‘I can't keep you any longer. I’m sorry, Rey.’ _

 

She paused, boots dangling by their straps on her now freed fingertips. Why did it feel as though there was far too much pinned on to those few heavy words? Her brow furrowed, wishing that their bond allowed for a much more accurate transfer of emotions. What he felt was... Blurred, out of focus - like the steamed panes of his shower wall. Damned if she was going to let their evening fade on this note!

 

She hoisted herself up onto her tiptoes, planting a lingering kiss to his lips. A delight that was quickly becoming an addiction... It was, in a way, making it worse and yet she couldn't bear to deprive them of it.

 

"None of this apologizing business. I will see you soon." She stated, trying her best to sound stern but her heart was stuttering in her chest.

 

"Just... I love you." She offered him one last long smile, and a small wave as she began to climb barefoot back up the track she had taken on her way down, bag swinging on her arm, boots slung over her shoulders. She knew that if she didn't go now, that she never would. Each move away from him was one that hurt, the pain in her chest as though she had left her heart in his hands and was now straining against her own flesh and veins. She would have loved to linger, to walk back with him but they could not arrive together or of similar times.

 

She hotfooted her way back through the maze he had brought her through - taking liberties the further into town she got, pushing herself over fences and creating her own walkways to hasten her return.

 

~

 

Just as she had predicted, CS-9874 barred her from attending the excursions with the rest of the troopers. Not that she minded. She'd endured some rather embarrassing questions regarding the reason for her being late. CS queried whether she had been out with JF who had also been late and yet to return... It was with great suspicion that her lack of shoes and damp pants had been regarded.

 

Rey chose to tell a half truth - stating that she'd gone to get food, went to eat it by the sea and had gotten lost. She neglected to inform her that she'd had company or any of the many marvelous other things that had occurred. The look on CS's face was enough to tell her that the blonde woman was not buying it. At least not entirely.

 

"This is unacceptable... I've a missing trooper...." She muttered, wandering off, leaving Rey to her own devices. A concern in and of itself... CS giving up an opportunity to rip her a new one... Rey tried not to let the squadron leader's dismay spread to herself. JF was probably... At a bar, somewhere... Flirting shamelessly with whatever pretty skirt wandered by. He seemed the type, particularly with CS-9874 being so taken with improving their standing, it was likely he was feeling neglected. Not that, Rey suspected, there was anything mutual transpiring between the two.

 

The morning had come, CS-9874 looked exhausted. Had she slept? Rey didn't bother to get up and get dressed as the other troopers excitedly prepared to go out and explore Vorkenna. She knew she was going to be doomed to stay there... All day, just as she had predicted.

 

When she was certain they had all left for certain, she pulled the bag out from under her bed. She took out the flower that Ben had given her and stared at it with admiration, indulging her gluttonous side by eating the remaining treats she had. Until she fell asleep - exhaustion from the last several days washing over her.

 

She dreamt of him. Chasing him through a storm, calling for him to come back... To come back home. Fingers straining for him, grasping desperately but at her touch, he dissolved into shadows and mist.

 

~

 

She awoke with a start - the door was banging open and she rolled off the bed, crouching on the other side with her heart racing. Her vision was blurry from sleep, head spinning from the sudden movement. What was happening? Had they found out? She swallowed hard, willing herself to remain calm and quiet - her hand searching instinctively for her blaster, kept under her pillow.

 

She exhaled heavily, the words filling her ears were those from her fellow squadmates. She peeked her head up over the edge of the bed. LK plopping himself down on her bed, eyes roaming curiously over her empty wrappers left strewn over the bed covers and then over to the flower resting on the nightstand.

 

"What're you doing?" He queried, a playful smile on his lips as he stretched himself out on her bed, making himself perfectly comfortable.

 

"Just... Looking for my other boot." Rey muttered, getting to her feet.

 

"Did you have a good excursion?" She queried, brow furrowing as she realized it was dark out.

 

"Uh... Yesterday... Yes, we did." He looked puzzled. "Did you.... Not even get up at all?"

 

It was then that she realized most of them were already in their attire for the ball.

 

"I... NO!" She shouted, drawing the attention of her squadmates. Had her absence really gone so unnoticed?

 

"Y-you might... Want to get ready, then... The festivities begin soon." He hopped to his feet, backing away from her, making a widely exaggerated expression of concern.

 

He was not wrong. She yelped, scurrying to the closet - her gown was the only one remaining in the confines of the small space they had shared. CS-9874 approached. She looked... Magnificent. A rather deceptive gown, deep royal blue - nearly black... Her long arms were covered, as was her neck with a high collar wrapping around her slender column of flesh. The only part of her skin that was visible was a narrow strip from the neck all the way down to the narrow belt wrapped around her waist.

 

"What are you staring at?" CS did a double take, her expression turning from defensive hostility to one of abstract horror. "Why aren't you dressed?!" She shrieked, hastening over to Rey, helping her to unzip her dress.

 

"I-I... I guess I overslept!" She exclaimed - the others were departing the room already. CS-9874 helped her slip the gown on over her head, hastening to help secure her into it's pale confines.

 

"That is ridiculous, soldier!" She scolded, whisking around the room like a highly focused hurricane. She returned, a band around her wrist and several pins with a brush in the other. She pointed to the bed sternly.

 

"Sit. Down. Now."

 

Rey complied, head whirling as she tried to fit the pieces altogether - she honestly did not think she would have slept for so long! Within hardly any time at all, CS-9874 had swept her hair up into a bun, securing it as best she could. Unfortunately, her hair varied in length, already strands slipped free and settled in a gently waving frame around her face. CS sighed, shaking her head. There wasn't time.

 

"I've got to go. Squadron Leaders are to arrive together... You... You just don't be late. DON'T keep the General waiting, either! Heavens, woman! What is wrong with you?!" CS-9874 rushed from the room, leaving Rey to sit rather bewildered on the bed. After a moment she got to her feet, slipping the flat shoes on as she made her way to her bed stand. The flower that Ben had given her was still, miraculously preserved. She smiled, picking it up and made her way over to the mirror, tucking it into her hair. A message. Just for the two of them. No one else would be able to read it.

 

Finally, she straightened... There was one thing she had nearly forgotten. She lifted the edge of the mattress, pulling the communicator free. It felt impossibly heavy in her hands. She drew a shaking breath. This was it.... This was her once chance to try to smooth this all over... But where to hide it? Her gown left her shoulders bare, she couldn't wear her usual underpinnings beneath it... She glanced around... Nervously, she went over to the footlocker that had been brought down from The Ordinance. They weren't supposed to wear their armor but it had not stopped them from bringing it. Perhaps it was simply healthy paranoia. She rummaged through the contents until she pulled free the object she was looking for. A thigh holster... She quickly affixed it to her leg, buckling it firmly into place before slipping the communicator into the pouch.

 

Distantly, a bell rung, signalling the change of the hour. She swore softly, shaking her skirts down evenly and raced from the room. She hastened down the hallway, fingers pushing impatiently on the call button. She fidgeted from one leg to the other.

 

"C'mon.. C'mon!" She hissed. Finally, it seemed to take an eternity - the doors rolled open and she pushed her way inside.

 

~

 

He watched her go, their final kiss of that day lingering on his lips. He couldn't move, as if he had been trapped between two states of consciousness, he couldn't even think to move until he had seen her disappear completely. A final, brilliant flash of red, not unlike the shade of the weapon that had lit the Hosnian System, danced over the sea-level, which had grown to a shade that was nearer to pitch than the cobalt water that it used to be. Ben had dried what he could of his legs and feet on his cape before donning it and his boots, and making his way up the hill and through the town.

 

He was finally quick to move. With Rey gone, the pleasures of the town and the sea had fast faded away into cool silence and monotone colours. He was uneasy in that silence. He could be recognised by locals who might hold a great deal of resent for him. He couldn't shake off the feeling that he was being watched by eyes with some unknown and hostile intent. It was somewhat of a peculiar relief, then, when he reached his lodgings.

 

It was quiet, and Ben was hopeful that he would not be seen or questioned as he slipped across the courtyard, to the elevator, and then, finally to his room.

 

Quickly disrobing, eager to pull off the heaviness of his soggy and sand covered clothes, he found the treats Rey had given him. He didn't want to refuse her gifts to him, yet he was sure that she was sacrificing her pleasure for his sake, and so he had only taken two.

 

He put them at his bedside. He would save them, perhaps for the following day. He pulled himself into his ever-large velvet bed. He wished that it were not so large for only the likes of him. How he longed to have Rey rest beside him. How he longed to hold her form again, even so quickly after their separation.

 

Sleep, at first, resisted him. He tossed and rolled in the sheets for hours, never quite getting into the right position. Something bit at him like a set of sharp teeth, keeping him from rest. He stared at the blankness of the wall, hoping that the mere sight of nothing would help his mind. He closed his eyes, trying to mimic that emptiness. As if he could just dissolve away... Somebody called him.

 

“Ben.”

 

Ben awoke. He must have fallen into slumber after all, a feeble sunlight filtered through his heavy, embroidered curtains. Ben looked around, his heart was beating fast. He was sure that he had been awoken by a female voice speaking his name. The voice was familiar, startlingly so, but he couldn't for the life of him determine for certain who had spoken it. Was it Rey? It somehow did not seem sweet enough. Was it his mother? Could it have been both of them, somehow joining with...

 

There was something else there, he was sure of it. Maybe it was just his own hunger. His own longing.

 

Ben found one of the sweets and unveiled it, letting it melt on his tongue, trying to capture in his mind exactly what it felt like for her arms to be around him...

 

There was a knock at the door.

 

Ben swallowed. The flavour died away too fast. He hastily found a tunic, throwing it over his form.

 

“It's me.” Hux’s usually sharp voice had an unfamiliar softness as Ben heard it from the other side of the door.

 

No time to adjust his attire. He almost slipped on his discarded trousers from the previous day as he hopped over to open the door.

 

Hux stood tall, his red hair was already glistening and his cheekbones were somehow emphasised. Ben could tell he already had a level of excitement for the evening ahead. He held out his arms, something long and soft and midnight blue hung in them.

 

“I have a thing for you.” Hux said stiffly, unsentimental. He looked the newly awakened Ben up and down, his brows furrowing. “Have you only just got up?” Hux questioned, a judgement in the tone of his voice.

 

“What's the time?” Ben wondered drearily.

 

Hux stared at him.

 

“Ren, the sun is going down.”

 

Ben stared at him. Was that a practical joke? He thought the sun was coming up... He had really been asleep for that long? How could that be? Hux rolled his eyes at Ben’s obvious confusion and bedraggled state.

 

“For goodness sake,” Hux sighed, thrusting the mass of midnight blue fabric to Ben’s chest. “Put this on.” He demanded.

 

Ben took a deep and reluctant breath, before letting it out as a heavy sigh. He turned the length of it in his hands.

 

“No complaints.” Hux added sharply before Ben could do so much as open his mouth to speak. “Appearance is everything, and this is to be an event that will be remembered of our Order for the rest of time.”

 

“If it's so important then the dress code should hardly matter.” Ben grumbled.

 

He was hardly in the mood to make himself an attraction, to further stand out among the crowd of people who would undoubtedly be staring at him already. He had never held Hux’s flamboyance, nor the General’s appreciation for aesthetics.

 

Hux huffed at Ben’s comment, lifting his eyes to the ceiling.

 

“Just put it on,” Hux ordered brusquely, “or I will personally pull it onto you myself.”

 

Ben could have laughed at Hux’s solemn conviction to do such a thing. He finally let the garment fully unravel. It was a kind of cloak, to hang over his usual dark robes. Ben couldn't deny that it was majestic and in good taste. It wasn't too bold, but was clearly rich, and the hanging over the shoulders was decorated with thin curves of real silver. He glanced back up at Hux who had already turned back to the door.

 

“Hux.” Ben addressed, making him pause. “You shouldn't have bothered,”

 

Hux snorted. He didn't turn around. Ben couldn't believe he was going to say it, but the terrible feeling in his stomach urged him to do something to show even an inch of his kindness to this man who, while his enemy, had worked night and day to keep the machine they both fought to control running. Ben had spent too much time berating him, insulting him, using him as a punching bag... and for what? What had fighting ever granted either of them? Snoke was the one to put them against each other, and now it couldn't be undone, Ben was filled with a loss as he considered how much time had been spent on them simply trying to tear each other apart.

 

“But...” Ben murmured, “thank you.”

 

Hux said nothing, but remained still for some seconds longer. Ben wondered if his thanks meant anything at all, or whether the General simply viewed it as a joke.

 

“Just,” Hux sighed. “Get yourself together and at least attempt to look presentable, Ren.”

 

Ben watched him leave the room, his heels audibly clipping on the floor outside before he shut the door again, leaving him in the peace of his isolation.

 

It was somehow odd, to perform the ritual of preparing himself for the ball. It somehow felt like so much more. A kind of ceremony he would have to pass through in order to reach whatever awaited him. Still, the shower helped him to calm, and there was a peace to such simple tasks as doing battle with his tangled hair, pulling on the cloak, trying not to hunch as was a habit of his from being so tall. He lifted his chin and observed himself in the mirror. He tried to look like a King. A Leader. He wasn't fooling himself. He wondered what Rey would be doing at that moment. It was growing dark again.

 

Soon, it would be time. Ben drifted from his chambers, in freshly polished, heavy boots he stepped down the corridor, not at all eager to reach the event and be seen by everyone. Still, he nevertheless was somewhat curious to see the personalities and faces of what had previously been a faceless army. It felt good: the idea that they could be liberated for one night, to an extent. He pressed the button for the elevator and hardly registered the beep of its arrival and the doors opening until he lifted his gaze and was struck dumb to find himself faced with none other than his dearest love.

 

She was draped in a pretty but modest gown that hung about her form in a pale colour palate, as gentle as morning light. She held his flower in her hair, which somehow had matched the dawn palette within her dress. He was stunned by her beauty, the creams of the subtle lacing and the white of her skirts only helped to highlight the healthy tan of her gleaming skin. Her chestnut hair was woven into a bun with strands had naturally come loose or would not be tied, adding to Ben’s vision of her as the embodiment of their liberation. She would not be pulled into a tight and flamboyant dress as the rest of the crowd undoubtedly would be. She would not be forced to waddle in heels or hide the strands of her hair in a tight bun. She would just be... herself. All that he most dearly loved. He was sure that his eyes had grown wide from staring, from admiring every detail. The rose of her cheeks matched her lips perfectly. How he longed to kiss those lips again...

 

Ben stood, stunned for longer than he should have. Then, without a word he fled into the elevator and hurriedly pressed the button for the doors to close, desperate for them to be alone, for one last time before this event, however brief.

 

As soon as the elevator had begun to lift once more, he turned to her. He placed his hand to the back of her neck and came close to her.

 

“I never got to tell you...” Ben whispered, “I've wanted to tell you since we were first in my chambers." He came so they were only inches apart. "I love you too.”

 

As they were lifted higher into the air, Ben’s hunger also rose. He could no longer resist. He pulled her close and kissed her, more passionately than he had ever attempted before, running his tongue over her lower lip.


	38. Chapter 38

For the haste with which she had made her way to the elevator, it hardly seemed to move fast enough once the doors had sealed behind her. She was alone - perhaps a testament to the fact that she was the slowest out of every First Order member gathered here. Not that she was eager... For any of what would come. She was still struggling to find the words, the way she could convince Leia and the others that Ben was no longer their opposition... That he was worthy of forgiveness and love and that... That if she could these things to him, surely the others should, too! That, alone, would not work.. She closed her eyes for a long moment, pressing the heels of her palms against her eyes - grateful that CS-9874 had not attacked her with makeup, for surely if she had painted her with the sharp black wings that had adorned the edges of her own lashes, it would all be ruined now.

 

C'mon, Rey! Think.... Think!

 

She made a frustrated sound, opening her eyes as the elevator dinged, signaling it had reached a new floor. She turned away, in case the doors opened, so that whoever came in would not see her frustration flushed cheeks or the distress on her face. She caught a glimmering, somewhat distorted reflection of herself on the brushed golden walls of the elevator carriage. She paused, for a moment - the young woman dressed in such finery just a shape bright like the flare of sun's light. She almost snorted, the hues not so dissimilar to the armor she'd been wearing for so long now. 

 

She wondered if it would irritate the General, to have his ill-gotten prize arrive to him in such understated finery not entirely so different from what he had already become accustomed to seeing her in? In the next moment she was scolding herself, there was no reason to wish for his continued suffering. She needn't wish to antagonize him further. How different would he be now if he had not had to endure a lifetime of harassment and abuse? How childish of her to want to cause him yet more irritation! Yet it was hard to resist, she was hardly a saint. He had, after all, been the one to blackmail her into this predicament. She could have been free to come and go as she pleased. An insignificant wisp amongst the bold figures that surely would fill the grand room. But now she had to meet with him... Somewhere... He hadn't been forthcoming with directives, perhaps... Perhaps she could slip in unnoticed and claim unfortunate coincidence that they had never gotten to meet?

 

Her reflection gazed back at her, impassive with an undistinguishable face. She had never even dared to think of such things when she had been a small girl. The fabric was glorious and so utterly impractical... She had never even really thought to dream of these things, too concerned with something to protect her arms or her face from blistering in the sun, what would let her move her legs to the greatest degree so she could run and climb... Not what would make her look feminine and graceful... Words she never had thought of before in context with herself. She remembered Ben's words from the beach... And so are you... Would they see each other tonight? Would he think her as ridiculous as she felt? An undeserving imposter in such finery? It was surely some kind of joke that Fate was playing on her now. She might wear these fine things but it did not mean she was equipped to wear them. Was she to behave differently? What if there were rules on how to sit or stand? For a moment, she missed her old self... That little girl with a ruthlessly simple life.

 

She drew a deep breath, fingers reaching out to the distorted reflection of herself - if she could go back and tell that little girl in the desert anything... What would it be?

 

The elevator dinged again and she pulled her fingers away, hands clasping behind her back as she stepped a little further back into the carriage, letting her eyes drop to the floor. The doors rolled open this time. She glanced up, in spite of her best efforts, more an instinctual habit than any desire to truly see whoever would be joining her now on the elevator's climb. Her jaw dropped open, eyes widening.

 

He was truly magnificent. A formidable form as usual but everything gleamed with perfection, straight down to his boots. Across his broad shoulders was draped such a fine cloak, deserving entirely of his station. Leader of all the stars in their galaxy. It would be that power and majesty that would draw many women to him this night, she felt. But none of them could know, unlikely even to guess that the truest of his wonders was carefully hidden under all the layers of finery, beneath the smooth flesh beneath it and kept safe behind the cage of bone.

 

She lifted her eyes towards his, lips still parted in rather blatant admiration. He had always been handsome but... He moved, suddenly, cutting off her wildly trailing line of thought - he had moved into the elevator, seemed to fill it entirely. Had they not made their affections known to one another, his hasty movements and his stature would easily have overwhelmed her in such seemingly small confines. He hit one of the buttons on the glistening panel and as the doors slid closed, he was upon her - the distance between them rapidly disintegrating as his hand found the back of her neck, their bodies close together. She stared at him in a rather enraptured state of complete and utter surrender. Where once she would have railed against such actions, fought to resist with all her might, she now simply leaned into his touch as if her body had turned to molten gold.

 

_ ‘I never got to tell you…’ _

 

His whisper sent a fine shiver through her body. The fine hairs on her arms rising, her heart felt a thousand times too large for her chest, lungs working hard to pull breaths too shallow for her body's need - her chest rose and fell quickly, building something within that she could not translate from feelings to words.

 

_ ‘I've wanted to tell you since we were first in my chambers.’ _

 

Whatever space he had left between them before had evaporated now, she felt the railing pressing into the small of her back but could hardly compete with the sound of his voice or the look in his eyes. As though he meant to devour her and she could scarcely entertain the notion of trying to dissuade him.

 

_ ‘I love you too.’ _

 

She moved her jaw, her mind struggling to connect two letters together, let alone multiple words. She felt a million miles away, floating away in a haze of bliss. Words hardly mattered in any case, his body pinned her own against the elevator wall as he lowered his head to claim her lips with his own. It was different from before. Where they had been gentle, tender... Cautiously as they had tested the depths of the waters of the ocean... Now there was hunger, something driving and needful. His tongue traced a blazing trail across her lower lip, lips that she parted, yielding to his unspoken request. 

 

It was as though he lit her on fire - and only his touch could restore her. Suddenly she could not be close enough to him, her hands smoothed up his arms, fingernails raking up the fabric of his sleeves that had earned her ire for daring to separate her from the feeling of his skin under her touch. Up they traveled, along the column of his neck, fingertips smoothing over that narrow strip of flesh, along the sides of his face and fisted in his hair, pulling him closer still. She returned the kiss with the same ardent passion he had bestowed it.

 

She had never known hunger like this... A small sound escape her lips, coming from low in her throat. A mewling sound of pleasure stained with desperation. She wanted more! What more, she couldn't articulate, barely understood but it was driving her mad. Mad as any starved creature who had placed before it the single thing that could sate it... She pushed him back, hard - gasping for air, trembling fingers groping for the panel on the wall, seeking the red colored dial to call a halt to the elevator's progress. She barely registered that it had obeyed her command, acutely aware that she had him pinned against the doors, hand quickly returning to rest upon him, hooking the back of his neck as she drew his head closer, returning in an instant to the kiss she had so abruptly broken. She drew his lower lip between her teeth, speaking without words. Applying pressure, punctuating her wanton desire.

 

~

 

Her earnest return of his kiss only drove him further, as if each touch only escalated his yearning. The hand that rested on the back of her neck slipped upward to cup her head as his other hand met her back, and pulled her as close as was possible. Her fingertips drew lines from his arm to his neck to his face and finally his hair. He was aware that she was pressed to the railing and his almost feverish desire battled with his logical will not to frighten her, to go too far... to let the beast inside of him surface in an utterly different way from what he had ever tried.

 

Before any other thoughts or concerns could attempt reach him through the power of their joined affection, Rey softly moaned against his lips. In an instant, she was upon him further, his back met the elevator doors. She moved away, both of them taking in air as her arm stretched up to the wall. Ben hardly knew what she had reached for until the elevator ground to a complete halt. Relief washed over him like a wave. Clever, clever Rey. Nothing to stop them now. He would be more than content to spend the entire night in that elevator with her.

 

As soon as she returned to him, she took him without even the slightest hesitation, her body leant on his, fixing him there as she pulled him into another burning kiss. Her teeth nipped his lower lip, releasing from him a soft groan of aching delight.

 

It was an entirely different dance altogether. Far from their dances of conflict, not so far from the strength of their thoughts meeting. It somehow reminded him of these circumstances, as a far more intimate and pleasurable interaction, yet not without the spontaneity, the desperate need, and his surprise at her sudden strength once more as he had surrendered entirely to her will. His arm came around her waist, his other hand meeting her elegant neck and ear, fingertips resting just where her hair met her skin. The eagerness she showed him was enough to relax any concerns he might have had. His tongue came between her lips and he slowly explored her mouth, increasing the pressure between them. It frustrated him to no end that their finery acted as something of a barrier between them, once more only furthering his determination and growing lust.

 

He drew away for breath, seeing the curves of her ear like creases of silk, the smoothness, like the petals of the flower in her hair. He made a daring move to draw his teeth and tongue lightly over her earlobe, which was luckily free from any earrings. From his tongue’s trail on the curves of her ear, he proceeded to plant a line of small kisses and pecks behind her ear and below her jawline, taking his time, despite how her touch had transformed him... had made him wild. How he wished to bunch his fingers in her hair... yet he knew it would ruin the bun, and while a thing inside of him ached to ravish her completely and utterly, he knew that he would shame her when they arrived.

 

If they arrived, that is.

 

His hand on her waist hesitantly reached to where her thigh met her hip, though he didn't go further, a part of him still trying to anchor itself in his will to show her that he could be a gentleman and not the beast that throbbed in his heart and mind, threatening to take him over completely.

 

When the path of his lips on the column of her neck was done, he delved into yet another kiss on her mouth, his hand on her head reached down from her neck to her back where he ran his palm over the roundness of her small shoulders, the small dip between her shoulder blades, every shape, every muscle that wasn't covered by the fine lace of her dress.

 

He wondered what would truly happen if they just... stayed in the walls of that elevator. No doubt Hux would send some search party after him or the like. Would Rey still theoretically be able to contact Leia? Could Ben even do it himself? He hadn't wanted to burden Rey with his conflict in the first place, though it had seemed unfortunately inevitable. Ben tried to escape these thoughts of outside the elevator, desperate to remain, like when they were on the beach, but even with his driving desire, he couldn't entirely do it.

 

He broke their kiss and drew in a shuddering breath.

 

“I love you.” Ben repeated in a whisper.

 

He brushed his lips on hers in a far lighter touch.

 

The dread again... the coming of night again. A repeat of the beach all over again. How quickly his joy could deflate. How little time they had. Ben thought of Hux and his sure attempts to court Rey. He couldn't face such a thing, not after this moment. It churned in his stomach. His arms came around her shoulders in something of a hug.

 

“And I always will.” Ben vowed.

 

~

 

Rey would have been touched to know that he had regarded her personal comfort. A luxury she had not the selflessness to afford him - her only concern had been to halt the elevator's progress sealing them in this small space for much longer that simply one floor to the next. Perhaps she felt as though the first kiss he had given her was invitation enough. Or the desire the sight of him had generated had truly made her abandon all reason, forgetting herself as she yielded to this baser instinct. His hunger had seemed to match her own, surely... Surely in this they were mutually amenable to submit to the desires of one another. She knew she certainly was... The words he had spoken so long ago, now were the truest they had ever been. He could take whatever he wanted. Did he know it? Was she making it clear enough?

 

As soon as the elevator had halted, she had him pinned against the doors, branding his lips with another searing kiss. One he had opened to, she felt the smoothness of his tongue with her own. She didn't think she'd heard a sound as thrilling as the one he made as her teeth nipped at his lip - she settled against him bodily, conforming to the shape of his slouched form. The arm he looped around her waist had drawn her closer - internally she was cursing the many long layers of her skirt. Chosen for the practicality of running if it could come to it... Certainly not for... She had not imagined an encounter with her beloved such as this....

 

He drew away, she made a sound of protest, breathing be damned! It was a sound that died rather sharply as his lips and teeth found their way to the curve of her ear. She gasped, fingers tightening in his hair, her knuckles paling - fighting with the urge to pull his head back as if the sensation was too great or whether she wanted to draw him closer, gluttonous for the feeling he had authored within her. She shivered, hands dropping from his hair to fist in the fabric of his tunic trying to pull him closer... Or was she trying to unhook his belt only after her attempts to free the hem of his shirt had failed? She didn't know, so lost in the sensations his ministrations had created, a haze of pleasure that made any rational thinking a great deal more difficult than it ought to have been.

 

She felt his hand shift, drifting lower from her waist, down the curve of her hip. It was not his restraint that she wanted, she dropped a hand to rest upon his squeezing her fingers over his, encouraging him... To do what? She had no idea but she savored the way his fingertips felt digging gently into her thigh, even through the light fabric of her gown.

 

She tilted her head back, allowing him as much access to her neck as he pleased as he left a white hot trail blazing down the tender flesh of her neck, charting a path over untouched territory. His hand moved from the back of her head down to the skin left bared, smoothing over the curve of her shoulders, across her back... She was unashamed of the needy sound that spilled from her as his lips abandoned their course down her neck and had once more returned to her lips. She shifted her hands, frantically trying to reach the delicate zipper, twisting her arms into nearly a painful angle as her fingertips found the slender pull, ready to yank it down - desperate for the heat of his hands to smooth over every inch of her. Did she feel as warm to him as he felt to her?

 

Thoughts of their mission had evaporated from her sphere of comprehension, caught in the irresistible entanglement of their growing lust. He broke the kiss, she felt the shudder run through him, it had begun in him and finished in her as she tried to regain her own breath. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes half lidded with unabashed desire as she looked up at him.

Something had changed. Her brow furrowed, her expression asking the question of what was wrong?

 

_ ‘I love you.’ _

 

A whisper, so soft... He gifted her with a far gentler kiss, her hands froze, ending their efforts, having managed to unzip her dress down to the small of her back. It was as if his flame had been extinguished and the sudden absence of it had left her feeling cold, his arm slipping around her shoulders signalling that at least for the moment, he had managed to quell his passion. She could not explain the frustration and sadness that the knowledge wrought.

 

_ ‘And I always will.’ _

 

She caught her lower lip between her teeth, her heartbeat only beginning to slow - she felt... Exhausted in the wake of their... She cleared her throat, nodding her head.

 

"As I love you. In this life and every other." She was breathless, barely able to raise her own voice above a wavering whisper. She took a step back, enough to remove herself from his body so he could stand. She looked sheepish, turning away from him.

 

"I... Do you... Please, zip me back up?" Her cheeks flushed, feeling a little sheepish as she presented her half bared back to him, her hastened efforts to escalate their tryst to levels she had scarcely been able to comprehend - foolishness, it felt like, now... Yet she was utterly unrepentant, the only regret she had was that it seemed to be over for the time being. Though, if the opportunity presented itself again…


	39. Chapter 39

_ ‘As I love you. In this life and every other.’ _

 

In every other. Ben cast his eyes to the floor, fearing what he could fall into if he enjoyed gazing at her any longer. He wouldn't be able to resist for long... not with her next request.

 

_ ‘I... Do you…’ _

 

Ben looked back to her in question.

 

_ ‘Please, zip me back up?’ _

 

Ben’s lips twitched upward in a subtle grin at the blush of her cheeks, her enthusiasm, the exposure of her back, the flowing curve of her spine. He crept around her, reminded strangely of the very first time he had set his eyes on her real beauty and had circled her, enjoying the sensation of scanning her up and down far too much. She somehow still smelled of the sunlight and the hint of salt from their day on the beach. Her form was perfect. Her arms, while slender, held the muscles born from persistent working. He reached her lower back and the zip, fingers gently hooking on it, he pulled her back to his stomach and chest, before slowly, reluctantly lifting the zip upward. It was with a sense of loss that he watched the parting of her back slowly vanish behind the pretty ivory of the fabric. Not even at two inches up her spine, he stopped. Agonisingly aware that the heat of their desire had been stifled by him, he bent over, as if bowing, pressing his lips along the flesh that remained open for him, starting at the small of her back, nipping softly along every available inch before pulling the zip a centimetre higher each time.

 

At least this could suffice as something of a sweet farewell to his painful wish to pleasure her completely. At least it could leave her with something of a final spark of the great fire between them. He reached above the mid point of her spine, he tasted her honey skin with a light swipe of his tongue. His left hand, free from zipping her up, came to caress her stomach and inched towards her breast as his progress grew higher. As the zip came to before her shoulders, he followed where she would shiver with his lips to find her most sensitive areas. He longed to suck on them, but resisted, fearing he would mark the sensitivity of her skin, he instead gave each space a lingering kiss. Once he had finished the zipping, both his arms came to her front, hugging her to him, he dared to lay both his hands over her breasts. He cupped them, softly feeling their rounded yet malleable qualities. He rested his head on her shoulder, taking in a breath as if he could drink her in.

 

He let it out as a heavy sigh, his hands slipping hesitantly from her breasts down her body to her hips as he took the smallest step back. He thought it would help him to enjoy that last physical savouring of her, but it had made it far, far harder to leave this behind.

 

This couldn't last. Would it ever?

 

He couldn't afford to think that way. If everything that night went according to plan, he told himself, it would be just fine. It had to be.

 

_ In this life and every other. _

 

Did she feel it too? The shadows? The threat? He pushed it away. Priorities, Ben, he told himself. It was only a ball. If anything it was a far more light-hearted event than he would be used to. There was hardly anything to fear except perhaps Hux’s advances on Rey, but even then, Ben knew he would have no effect. She... she belonged to him, just as she possessed him entirely. His body, mind and heart. What could realistically go wrong, given how far they had already come? Even if the worst came to fruition, Ben wouldn't let Rey be hurt. If she were discovered... he would die if it meant protecting her, but he wouldn't have to. He was the Supreme Leader after all, not Hux. They would figure out a plan, if any two in the entire galaxy could, then it would be them, undoubtedly.

 

He told himself this, yet somehow he did not believe his own assertions, as if a voice he could not fully understand or comprehend was screaming over and over that he was wrong. He had learned to give up on hope before. With Rey, he had learned to hope all over again, and he simply had to have faith that it wouldn't be in vain. Faith was a hard thing to hold onto. Still, Rey wasn't.

 

He took another small step back, turning to face her, he checked her over, concerned that the marks of pleasure he had bestowed on her might somehow be visible to the waiting company. As far as he could tell, they weren't. Her wonderful eyes were still lit like the sun they had watched settle the previous night. Ben tucked some of the strands of her hair behind her ear, savouring the light brush of his fingertips on her face.

 

He dragged his eyes to the emergency dial she had pulled. He wasn't sure that even he had the will. His arm felt far too heavy to raise. He stared hopelessly at it. If they didn't let go, they would be found, Ben reminded himself. Everyone must already have been wondering where in the galaxy he could have got to...

 

He turned back to her one last time, despite him knowing it would make it more difficult. They had already said goodbyes a thousand times before this moment. It still didn't help. He put his hand to her face.

 

I know what I have to do, he thought, but I don't know if I have the strength to do it.

 

He swallowed. What had reminded him of that time on the precipice?

 

He felt as though they were standing on a different precipice altogether. That if he turned the dial to its original position, the elevator would crash down rather than raise up. Why was he always the one to bring both of them closer to where neither of them had wanted to be? Like the time in the elevator before the throne room...

 

That's absurd, he told himself. They were going to a dance, not a fight. He had to pull himself together. Find the feeling of being efficient and tightly-wound again after having abandoned it for so long.

 

Despite them being in a confined space some floors below, he heard a great orchestra begin to play in the distance, the melody as fluid as water, yet the drums were as immense as thunder. Even on the music, no expense had been spared. This wasn't just a show of power. It was a show of wealth. One of the grandest nights in their history, according to Hux, at least, had already begun.

 

He had raised his head at the sound of the strings and brass. Turning back to Rey, he took her hand in his. It was time.

 

He didn't think further, nor could he think of words that would suffice. He pushed back the dial with his free hand and the elevator hummed back to life, the lights flickering.

 

He knew if he said nothing more, he would regret it. Yet, what else was there to say? What was there to do except to hope? He could get so easily lost in her hazel eyes, even with the unsettling feeling in his stomach, the noise of the orchestra, the brutal ascension of the lift.

 

“When this is over, I'll come back for you.” He told her firmly. He wanted it to be a reassurance, but he wasn't sure if it was coming across as one. “I'll come back, sweetheart.” He emphasised. He realised he was gripping her hand and he softened his hold, “I promise.”

 

He detached himself from her, more slowly than clouds pulling apart. No sooner had he done so than the doors opened, and there, standing as if on cue before them, was none other than the General himself.

 

Ben, having already seen glimpses of his attire and his presentation was not so surprised to see him stand before them as an emperor might, the epitome of rigid, rich perfection, somehow even colder. The sculpted ghostly features, the burning eyes, as heated perhaps as even his hair colour. The gold that shimmered in the glowing light of the white rounded lamps, hanging on all sides of them like stars on bunting. His brows raised at seeing the two of them together, and Ben felt an almost involuntary ferocity take over. He inched in front of Rey as if it would protect her from Hux merely standing there.

 

“I've been looking everywhere for you.” Hux declared to Ben pointedly as soon as he set eyes on him, before softening somewhat at the sight of Rey.

 

It somehow just enraged Ben further. His hands made fists. Damn it, he had to keep himself together...

 

“KR-0117.” Hux greeted in a far more mannered and surprisingly gentlemanly fashion. “I'm most pleased you're here.”

 

He scanned her up and down, a ruthless hunger that Ben knew too well was present in the curve of his lips and in his look, yet... there was something even worse there. A different kind of desire. Ben grit his teeth as Hux cast whatever judgement he had for her choice of attire through the raising of his chin and his squint, though Ben had trouble defining if it was either positive or negative. Either way, his insides burned.

 

Hux was just about to outstretch a tightly-gloved hand to her, when Ben took him by the shoulder, turning him from Rey and towards the ball with as much conviction as was possible without appearing impulsive.

 

“Don't you think the Supreme Leader and the General ought to officially enter this event together without the accompaniment of a trooper?” Ben hissed, and he instantly regretted his choice of words. He could only hope that Rey saw through his attempts to keep Hux distracted, even if it meant him insulting her.

 

Hux scowled, which was somehow even more intimidating with the structures of his face appearing a spotless white in the lowlight, the shadows in his expression almost as dark as pitch in comparison. Nevertheless, Ben was sure the General understood his point by his silence. In a way, Ben was only protecting both of their reputations under the circumstances. Hux lifted his eyes from Ben down to Rey.

 

“I’ll apologise on behalf of the harsh words of my leader and my friend.” Hux addressed her. “I ought to obey his wishes for the time being.”

 

Ben blinked.

 

His leader... his friend...

 

Hux was the one apologising?! Ben could have laughed if it wasn't for how angered he had already become by this entire situation. He stood, burning like a wick while Hux offered Rey a small smile that made his skin crawl.

 

“I'll hope perhaps to meet you on the dance floor nonetheless.” Hux suggested, before Ben couldn't stand it any longer.

 

He pushed Hux forward so roughly that the General glared at him with fuming indignation before the two of them left her behind and headed to the main stairway, their capes sweeping behind them, their entrance to the party soon to be announced.

 

~

 

She did not catch his grin, having turned her back away. It was as desperate a struggle as she had ever faced, trying to slow her rate of breathing, to try to ease her pulse that thundered so loudly in her ears she was almost certain he could hear it! She swallowed hard, her question hanging in the silence, unanswered. She glanced up - the gleaming walls of the elevator gave away the hint of movement. His form cut dark and imposing as he stepped slowly around her own pale reflection.

 

She swallowed hard, reminded of their first encounter. It was not fear that made her chest rise and fall in an uneven cadence. Her lower lip trembled, he was so close... She felt a delicate tremor run from the crown of her head down to the tips of her toes. The trepidation was not that he might touch her but instead that he might not. She felt his gaze on her, knowing that he was appraising her - it took every shred of her self control not to pull him closer as he passed before her. Her hands trembled where she willed them to stay still by her sides.

 

"Ben..." Her tone was in equal parts a question and a warning. A soft flag wavering in the breeze. Of surrender or alert, she couldn't even begin to decide. Her breath caught in her throat as his fingers began to pull the zipper upwards, until his hand settled across the flat planes of her stomach, pulling her flush against him as his hand smoothed a tantalizing path up over the curve of her ribs and higher still. She didn't think she'd ever had to fight this hard to breathe, her knees felt weak. His lips found the flesh still bared to him, planting his affections as he slowly sealed her back away, the sound of the zipper teeth meeting like thunder in the confines of the lift. She arched her back, arms curving behind her til her fingers could card themselves in the dark whorls of his hair. She gasped as his teeth grazed her skin, fingers tightening their grip.

 

"Ben!" She said his name again, like a fervent prayer - her voice was breathless - a plea. Begging him to stop but in the same breath to never stop... Her eyes fluttered closed... I-if he didn't cease.... She couldn't be held responsible for her actions. A foreign heat had gathered, pooling deep in her belly - her body responding to him with an unspoken invitation. He had elected to straighten, moving to stand before her earning him a low growl of protest. His touch had set her alight and to deprive her of it! Never did she think she would find herself wanting of torture, for surely that is what his slow and measured teasing marks had been.

 

He stood before her, pulling her closer as his hands found the curve of her breasts. She sucked in a shuddering breath in through her teeth, lips parted. Throwing an arm out - fingers splayed against the elevator wall if only to brace herself. She revelled in his touch, her free hand smoothing over his hand, gripping harder. It was all she could do to stop herself to ripping the delicate material away to free herself. His hands slipped down, tracing the curve of her waist and to settle on her hips. He took a step back, a pointless gesture since she followed him, hands seeking him as he turned away. She withdrew them, realizing once again... It was unfair! How he could easily ignite her and seemingly without nearly as much effort he had recomposed himself leaving her as a heap of smoldering embers, still hot and burning slowly in his wake.

 

Except, that wasn't fair... Her eyes followed the line of his own vision - to the emergency brake. She could feel the struggle within him. She almost felt ashamed for how easily distracted she had been. She sighed softly, smoothing her hands over her gown, ensuring that it sat in perfect order lest anyone suspect what she had been up to. Her cheeks still flushed, her lips still feeling swollen from the sensation of his own upon them. She stared at the red switch, almost sinister as it remained there, taunting them with its inevitability. Finally, he found the strength which she had lacked - flipping the switch over and the lift stuttered back to life.

 

_ ‘When this is over, I'll come back for you.’ _

 

She lifted her eyes to his face, a curious expression on her features. Something half remembered... Half forgotten. Her brow furrowed, words she had.... Her lips parted, expression softening... She'd heard them before, in a dream...

 

_ ‘I'll come back, sweetheart.’ _

 

His hands gripped her own, she squeezed back, nodding - mute, stunned... All this time... Had she known?

 

_ ‘I promise.’ _

 

She didn't want to let him let go but finally she released her own grip as his slipped away. He withdrew and she wanted... To say something. Anything...

 

"I'm with you. Always." She blurted, almost wincing from the ineloquent choice of words. Inadequate to express that her thoughts would not stray from him, that he carried her heart with him. That he always would. The elevator dinged and she stepped back, towards the corner of the lift if only to give herself another moment or two to compose herself, preparing to leave a few moments after Ben would precede her out of the elevator. If she had the mind for it, she would have stopped the lift a floor two below and taken the stairs the rest of the way.

 

She didn't know what shocked her the most - the music, the likes of which she had never heard before - or the fact that the General stood blocking their way from exiting the elevator. Her lips parted in surprise, eyes widening. He gleamed, stiff and pristine. The visage any sculptor would give both their own hands to carve, knowing after completing such an undertaking that everything else would pale in comparison. She dropped her gaze to the floor, immediately - wishing she could phase through the walls and disappear entirely. She realized that she was unprepared... On every single front for everything that had just transpired and for now what was cold reality rearing its head.

 

The first words from the General's lips had been directed towards Ben. They were not entirely unreasonable. She straightened, brushing her hair back a little from her face.

 

_ ‘KR-0117. I'm most pleased you're here.’ _

 

She stared up at him, eyes widening. She should have known she would not have escaped his notice. She was taken aback by the utter change in his demeanor, how greatly it seemed to differ from the way he had presented himself on The Ordinance. As if the magnificent clothes he had donned had transformed him entirely... Or perhaps he had taken to the drink already...

 

"I-I..." Uncomfortable was by far the greatest understatement for what she felt, still high from the rush of her interactions with Ben, her body still yet to settle itself.

 

Ben, however, was having none of it - he stepped between them if only a little, helping to shield her from Hux's hungry, appraising gaze. Before Hux could offer her his hand, Ben had intervened, gripping his shoulder.

 

_ ‘Don't you think the Supreme Leader and the General ought to officially enter this event together without the accompaniment of a trooper?’ _

 

She could have sighed with relief, mentally offering Ben a thousand sentiments of thanks. His harsh words had rolled off her easily, she allowed herself to fall back against the wall, keeping her gaze affixed to the floor as she supposed a soldier of her supposed ranking should do. Hopefully Hux would interpret her lack of words as simply having been intimidated by having to share the confines of an elevator with The Supreme Leader. However, their current exchange... This, no longer concerned her, if she allowed herself to slip back into the mind of KR-0117. Even if she had wanted to follow Hux from the lift, she wouldn't dare defy a direct intervention from the Supreme Leader.

 

_ ‘I’ll apologise on behalf of the harsh words of my leader and my friend. I ought to obey his wishes for the time being.’ _

 

She was stunned. Friend? She offered a small nod, clasping her hands gently before her. And just like that, the illusion of gentility and humanity shattered. The last of his words sent a small chill down her spine. For his sake, he had better obey Ben's wishes for as long as he wished to deal with him.... It took all of her effort to keep her expression from changing to one of hostility. She swallowed hard, offering a small salute to the both of them. Or... Were such protocols abandoned for the evening? She felt ridiculous performing the motion without her armor. She stood at ease, arms settled behind her back as her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. She was out of her depth on far too many levels.

 

_ ‘I'll hope perhaps to meet you on the dance floor nonetheless.’ _

 

Ben had had enough, shoving Hux out of his way with a rather unnecessary amount of force. It was enough to shock her, meriting a small gasp of surprise. She hoped that Ben would be alright... He had spoken of his intention to keep Hux occupied, yet she found herself now wondering if that was such a great idea.

 

She waited, hanging back until she had heard the herald announce the arrival of The Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren and General of the First Order, Armitage Hux. Immediately the room felt full of anticipation, curiosity... It washed over her as she prepared to step out of the lift. Around her, such dazzling displays of wealth and luxury. She was stunned, frozen in awe, vaguely aware of the lift closing behind her and beginning its descent.

 

An attendant had come to stand before her, offering his arm. She took it numbly, eyes staring about her in absolutely dumbstruck wonder. Not only the building but... All the people! So many people! Everyone was so... So finely dressed! It was sensory overload the likes of which she had never experienced. She was lead forward and the attendant asked her something, she responded in a vacant tone, bewildered and humbled.

 

"Unit KR-0117!" The herald announced and she slipped into the large crowd, trying not to feel entirely too overwhelmed and was failing most spectacularly. She sought familiar faces, her squad mates… Missing from them, was still JF's face, she found herself frowning. A matching frown she spotted upon CS-9874's face. She was managing to look somehow still quite formidable even in her gown. LK saw her, dashing in his own right. He came towards her, offering his hand with a wide smile across his kindly features.

 

"Ah, you made it!" He offered her a bow, bending at his waist as he lowered his lips to her knuckles but didn’t press them against her skin - respectfully allowing her the distance granted to her by her slightly elevated rank.

 

"I did." She offered a weak smile, eyes still flitting about. Still distracted... Where was JF? Was he still missing? She felt uneasy. Why had they not sent out a search party for him? She tried to catch CS's eye but she was currently scanning the crowd, a stern attentiveness fixed into her sharp features.

 

"You look beautiful." He offered, drawing her attention back to himself. Gently lifting her hand so that she would be prompted to twirl in place. He admired the pretty blush on her cheeks, the way the floaty skirts she wore spun about her like the petals of the flower she wore in her hair.

 

"I was going to ask if you wished to attend, but..." He trailed off, jerking his chin over his shoulder towards CS-9874 who was now suddenly regarding them icily, a warning in her cool blue eyes.

 

"Oh... Well, that is most kind of you." She stammered, grateful to see CS approaching them. CS swatted LK's hand away, the look of warning had not faded as she extended one finger back towards the rest of the squad, indicating that he ought to join them. She shook her head.

 

"Don't do anything embarrassing." She muttered before rejoining the other squadron leaders, leaving Rey to stand on her own in the mass of people.


	40. CHapter 40

It didn't take too long for them to join the crowd, though both of them stood further off. When they came through the troops on the main floor, they parted like two streams, falling into hushed whispers. The majority of the party, even the officers, were actually unlikely to start a conversation unless the two of them initiated it themselves. Ben supposed it was wise. For so long the two of them had worked hard to be feared, and it had paid off. Even with Ben’s attempts to make this event as a reminder that everyone there had a face, individuals would keep their distance, staring from at least a meter away, which was just as well, as it gave Ben a further excuse to persuade Hux not to chase after Rey. He regretted pushing him; his desire to protect Rey after their intimate encounter had taken him over. It had made him unpredictable to even himself, which, given Hux’s own unpredictability, was a dangerous thing.

 

Still, Ben couldn't let go the words he had used. First he had shown Ben his robes before anyone else had seen them, then he let Ben take that break for the evening to see Rey, then he had bought Ben the cloak for the ball and called him his...

 

_ Friend. _

 

Had the ball put him in a good mood? Ben noticed he soon had something of a spring in his step and a dainty glass of champagne in his hand. He remembered what Rey had had told him about his drinking and shivered despite the warm temperature of their environment. Rey hadn't told him everything, he was sure. He dreaded to know what had shocked her so much. The way she had lowered her look and her clear voice turned to mumbling. What had Hux done to her? Ben took in a sharp breath. He couldn't lose his concentration, no matter what he felt.

 

“Is there ever a time when you don't look utterly miserable?” Hux mockingly asked.

 

He drank down the champagne. Ben pulled him further away from the wandering servers. There were times when Ben was sure he appeared jubilant, but only in the presence of Rey. He looked over the crowd. He was sure he had heard the herald announce her title, but perhaps the two of them were too far gone in the sea of rich coloured dresses to notice any trail of white.

 

“This was your idea.” Hux continued, placing his crystal-like glass on a side table. “You might as well be proud of it.”

 

Ben supposed he was at least... glad to have been the one to propose it. There was laughter around them. Real laughter. The sound of glasses clinking. The swish of skirts and the presence of happiness. To think- happiness! In the First Order! If Snoke knew Ben to have made this his act as the Supreme Leader, he would have killed him on the spot no matter what bloodline he had come from, Ben was sure. The truth was that if Ben had to rule, he wanted to lead people, not soldiers. The initial swelling and proud introduction of the ochestra had died down to a softer waltzing in the background. There were columns and levels all around them since they were situated on a cliff. The sea would probably be seen in the distance if the time of day around them were any lighter.

 

“You’re the one who designed it.” Ben pointed out. “All of it.”

 

“It's true!” Hux chirped, and Ben was certain that he must have been merry at the very least. “Isn't it magnificent?”

 

He supposed it was. Everything was pristine. The main dance floor shone in the center. The twinkle of the lights was mesmerising. The stirring ochestra was almost as immense as the number of people.

 

“Yes.” Ben answered numbly.

 

Hux took a bold step forward for another drink, and Ben came in front of him, in a wide swishing movement. He had tried not to appear hasty but had clearly done so because Hux let out a short but heavy sigh.

 

“Just remember we’re keeping up appearances.” Ben told him. “You said it yourself.”

 

“The entire order is merry tonight.” Hux grumbled. “And you think you can prevent the two of us from doing the same?”

 

“I think I can prevent you from looking like a fool.” Ben retorted.

 

Hux scoffed. He passed Ben by like a breeze, taking a new glass in his hand before Ben could stop him.

 

“If you're the one to teach me not to be foolish, then the both of us are doomed.”

 

The comment was dry, but there was also something light about it. Something of a proper joke. Ben was sure that Hux knew the truth, no matter what the two of them tried to deny: neither of them were stable.

 

“I wouldn't have to teach you if you just behaved reasonably.” Ben pointed out.

 

Hux truly did laugh this time, but it was only a small and hollow chuckle that sent a chill down Ben’s spine. He looked over the crowd. He prayed that Rey would be able to find somewhere, some space to make attempts to contact his mother. With Hux growing increasingly bold and... intoxicated, Ben wasn't sure how long he could occupy the General as the evening continued.

 

“Teach me!” Hux repeated, an aspect of disgust and ridicule in his tone. “Ren, don't be absurd. The only thing you've ever taught me is exactly how to behave unreasonably.”

 

Ben shook his head. He wished for the night to be over in a blink, just so he could know for certain that it would be fine, that Rey would find a way to complete their mission and they could meet up again and...

 

Hux was wandering further into the main crowd already. Ben cursed, following after him despite how ridiculous he feared it looked for the Supreme Leader to give chase after a General.

 

After a few paces he stopped.

 

It was as if his limbs had grown too heavy to move. What had halted him? Perhaps he was just tired. He knew in the forefront of his mind that he couldn't let Hux get away but... but something else made his stomach twist. Something else pulled at his attention...

 

The crowd had hushed at the sign of a new arrival. A new arrival at this time? Ben was sure that Rey and himself had been the last to arrive. The event had officially begun even without the ochestra near to half an hour ago.

 

He hadn't turned around. He didn't want to. As if, if he didn't see, he wouldn't have to confront it. That it could just be his pessimistic tendencies in feeling his dread, but then...

 

~

 

Rey stood frozen in place - everywhere around her... Faces passing by, smiling and chatting. Actual conversations. Snippets caught in her ears - no one was discussing training, weapons, or maintenance protocols... It was food, the weather, the attire... A general sense of camaraderie. This was their night. All of them. The thought brought the smallest of smiles to her lips - this had been Ben's doing. These many people... Getting to be just that. If only for a few precious hours. She hugged herself, the all too familiar feeling of separation settling over her shoulders. She was not part of their struggle that had earned them this night. A fraud in their midst. And the one person here she wanted to be with, the one person who made her feel like anyone, truly part of something... Was the one person in this room that she couldn't be close to. Both to try to keep their secret and because she didn't trust herself. She drew a deep breath, turning away.

 

Glittering glasses of pale bubbling liquid, light glinting on jewels hung on necks and wrists, dripping on gowns. Music so enchanting, the massive glimmering chandelier suspended under the gold and glass ceiling... Beyond the panes of smooth glass she could see the stars erupting like diamonds on the canvas of the dark night sky. The warm breeze blowing through the open air, columns and exquisite stonework creating fragile barriers to prevent the party-goers from stray too far off the intricately detailed floors and plummeting over the cliff's edge that they had gathered upon. A more magnificent location could not have been picked. The General had truly outdone himself. He had a remarkable talent for pageantry. He would have been ill suited to surviving in such places like Jakku but here, he thrived... She glanced around - hoping to avoid being spotted by him, a feat that would be far more plausible if she kept note of his movements.

 

It was strange to see all the people who had been been dehumanized - their helmets concealing these many faces... Personalities breaking free of the barriers of protocol as champagne flowed. She spotted the General, like a flame amongst the others. She ducked behind a column, her slender form concealed. It was too soon to slip away... But... She couldn't afford to waste time. She finally made her feet move. Rey picked her way through the crowd, putting distance between them and herself while she walked the perimeter of the room, scoping out where she might be able to get the most privacy. She marked at least three possible locations but she might need to find a connection port that she could rewire - enough to patch in her own communicator to boost the signal if it wasn’t strong enough... On the rooftop might not be that location... She felt her lips twisting into a frustrated frown as her hazel eyes scoured the room - why couldn't this have been on a cruiser? She knew far more about spacecraft than she did of buildings... Worry began to creep it's way into her gut. What if she failed? Not for the first time that night, she found her pulse speeding out of her control.

 

She drifted back towards the main throng of attendees - spotting Ben's formidable form amongst the crowd. She felt something twist in her gut - it was not the delight of seeing her love... Something else... More than the weight of the mission sitting on her shoulders. It was the Force... The room had settled into an uneasy silence. She turned her head to see where they had trained their gazes.

 

A woman stood on the top of the steps, swathed in finery that rivaled even the most flamboyant of them. Ebon and scarlet... She wore an ornate headpiece that covered her eyes, leaving her sharp jawline visible, full lips painted in a crimson shade that was dark and hauntingly reminiscent of arterial blood. Her hair was swept up, sharp points of a star forming a half halo behind her head. She looked.... Like a queen.

 

Rey's jaw dropped, on her arm was... JF? She took a step forward, a movement mirrored her own across the room. CS-9874 had stepped forward, too. She knew that CS’ slender fingers were reaching for her sidearm... One that she was not currently equipped with. Rey turned back to the couple on the step. JF stood listlessly by her side, his eyes staring out over the crowd but she got the distinct feeling that he wasn't able to see them all. His face looked pulled, gaunt... There was a sickly pallor to his skin... Something was wrong. So very wrong... She found herself wishing she'd brought a weapon, too.

 

"Vysera Ren."

 

Rey blinked. Ren? As in... Kylo.... Ren? It surely could not be a coincidence. It was not a common name...

 

"Unit JF-6731."

 

CS-9874 was at the foot of the stairs in an instant. Rey knew that stance... She knew that posture... In any other circumstance, she was certain that CS-9874 would have swiped that woman’s leg, twisting an elegantly adorned arm behind her back as she rode her to the ground, knee right on her spine. She glanced over at Ben - he was frozen, looking just as stricken as she felt. She didn't want to tear her eyes away from him and yet this woman...

 

The woman moved gracefully as she led JF-6731 down the stairs. She offered no objections as CS moved forward to take his arm, the gesture of her hand releasing its grip on her forearm was quite dismissive. CS guided him away, already CS-9874 was requesting medical assistance. His steps were small. He looked feeble beside her... But it was the progress of Vysera Ren that everybody watched. The way she stalked across the room. She marked a straight line for Ben. She had such sinuous movement that would have made her the envy of even the Twi'Lek dancers at Lil's bar. A sauntering gait, long legs taking her towards the object of her attention.

 

~

 

She had let the boy go. He had served his purpose. If anything, she was relieved to no longer have to rest her hand his arm. He was wasted, now. A husk. Useless. She had spent him. If his people wished to collect him, she supposed she ought not to prohibit them from spending his few remaining hours together... She was feeling particularly charitable this evening. Besides, it left her free to move, unhindered by his slow steps.

 

In the crowd, she could perceive him easily. He was a glowing beacon... By the Force.... The Light had truly made an impressive bid for him, it had blossomed in him where once she had seen only the darkness in herself reflected in him... It was almost blinding but for the faint threads of darkness coiled still deep within... He had found the strength to vanquish their former master. He had freed himself. And her. She had waited so long for this moment... Were she younger, weaker... More foolish, she might have doubted herself - wondering if he would like the attire she had chosen. The statement it made. She might have worried if she had washed well enough, if the sweet perfume she had worn covered the metallic scent of blood that she never seemed to be rid of. But none of that mattered. Not truly. What mattered most was that he was here... She had found him at last.

 

She stopped before him. Knight Commander... Master of the Knights of Ren. Supreme Leader. She dipped down low, bowing her head as she sank nearly entirely to the floor. A hollow display of submission - they were destined to rule by one another's side. But she had noted security details patrolling - subtle but she could smell their intent... Taste it on her tongue. She could not simply announce herself as their queen without the proper pretense and so... Submission it would be. For now.

 

Pale, scarred hands settling over her skirts, a pool of sumptuous material. She rose slowly, somehow she made the simple action look obscene. A show of the strength and control held in her legs that were hidden from view, surely for the benefit of the Supreme Leader because she had not acknowledged the existence of anyone else in the room. Even though she had not paid them attention, she could feel their shock. Was it the use of his Name? Or did they sense it? Did they understand that they were weak and inferior, that they stood now in the presence of gods?

 

She lifted her hands to him, clear that he was to take them. When he hesitated, she moved closer still.

 

"You've always been so serious..." Her voice was honey laced with poison. Her comely lips twisted into a smile. "But this is a joyous occasion." For the first time, she regretted the loss of her eyes... She would have loved to have truly seen him. She lifted her hand to the side of his face, flinching subtly as her fingertips slid down the length of the scar making his face. When had he received it? Who had dared to mark him in this way! He had always been beautiful, painfully so.... Her fingers moved away from the scar, charting the lines of his face with her fingertips. He had grown... had changed.. She dropped her hand to rest on his shoulder. It was broader... Stronger...

 

"'I've waited for this day for so long... Have you no words for me?" She whispered, lips millimeters from his ear as she smoothed her other hand down the length of his arm til her fingers could loop with his own, lifting it into the start position for the waltz that had just begun to play.


	41. Chapter 41

 

He hadn't even registered the announcement of the trooper she had entered with. Ben couldn't move. It was as if his hardened limbs had rusted at the joints. She was coming; he could practically feel the sweep of her gown along the floor, the breaks in the tide of the crowd that let her pass to get to him, while he himself had grown stationary, a broken machine, a screen that had stuttered and crashed. He finally turned to face her and saw the man she had entered with be pulled away. He looked like a walking ghost, not holding the warmth or the transcendence of a force ghost. On the contrary, he was just a body. Soulless.

 

His eyes came back to rest on her. Her progress, heading straight towards him as elegantly as the sliding of a snake. Ben thought he wouldn't move again. He felt as if the towering, white columns had somehow become the bars of a cage, a cage that threatened to collapse on top of him.

 

It couldn't be her... she was gone. She was dead with the rest of them. The entirety of his past was dead, excepting Leia it- it had to be!

 

Yet, it was her. He knew it was her. She was the very source of the dread he had felt before the ball. There was no doubt in his mind. It chilled him to the very bone, even in the warmth of the night. He should have wanted to see her. There had been too many early morning hours filled with tears at the loss of the Knights, tearing his own possessions to pieces, washing his hands in his most private moments over and over and over again, as if it would somehow clear him of the guilt before he could separate himself from it completely. Before he could find it in him to simply forget it. All of it. He should have been relieved. If she was alive, could... could others...somehow?

 

He reminded himself that even if some were alive, it wouldn't matter. This couldn't be. He knew well enough that he had changed far too much and by the look of it, so had she. This was not the woman he thought he knew. There was something far, far darker behind the clip of her heels on the stones, the elaborate headdress that came over her eyes. Something discordant plucked strings in his chest, some initial shock of panic or horror that he was sure he had for a reason. Even without the expression of her eyes, Ben knew she had a hunger that he was all too familiar with, and that he was the prey whom she had approached. The dancers, troopers and officers closest to them had stopped, just to stare at their meeting. Every person in the room was stunned, including Ben himself.

 

He tried to keep a straight face. He closed his hanging jaw. She knelt before him, sinking impressively low with perfect poise and ease. He noticed the scars and scratchmarks of her hands and arms and his lips parted in bewilderment all over again as she rose as if she were being pulled up on a string like a puppet. Her grade was unrivalled. Ben himself felt as if a feather could knock him off his feet.

 

She lifted her marked hands, offering her arms. Every inch of him remained stiff. He daren't touch her. Her very presence, her very skin seemed to disperse darkness. Darkness that Ben had never even known before. He looked about him in his discomfort. Where was Rey? He would have to explain to her, apologise to her, about all of this... somehow.

 

"You've always been so serious..." she commented, her voice was thick with a sweetness that somehow sickened him. Her smile had a similarly unsettling effect. "But this is a joyous occasion."

 

She raised her fingertips to his face and Ben drew in a breath, trying to suppress a shiver. Her hands were somehow icy, regardless of the heat of the air. He could suddenly understand something of what it felt for the victims of his own interrogation, the lifting of her fingertips to his head mirroring his own movement. A defensive rush of adrenaline swam through him at the thought of her invading his mind, but she did no such thing, instead merely brushing over his skin in a touch that was almost... loving. She reached his scar and the two of them both flinched in unison, though Ben was sure she had tried to hide it, he knew they had both felt the same jolt of discomfort. Could she not see it? Could she see anything? How was she able to move in such a direct and balanced way?

 

The scars on her arms, her possible blindness... Ben had never felt his guilt combine with fear before. He was not accustomed to fear so much as rage and more recently, grief. His rage and grief was soon to surface once again. He had mourned for the Knights. He had mourned for her... how could she just... appear with no explanation and ask for his hand? Where had she been? What had she...

 

Ben swallowed as he didn't want to contemplate exactly what she had done.

 

_ ‘I've waited for this day for so long... Have you no words for me?’ _

 

He hadn't quite realised how close she was, how her hand had come to rest on his shoulder, how her scarlet lips had come so close to his ear. How her cool fingers had laced with his. A waltz began to play and he was pulled back to moving again, though he could hardly remember what the steps were, what it was supposed to feel like to dance. She could move like a swan on water. He felt like a fish on land, caught in the net of this dance, or on her waiting hook.

 

“Vys...” Ben breathed, shocked that he could find the will to speak at all.

 

There was something about her presence that confused his thoughts, that lulled him into a dreamlike state, making it hard to focus. He already felt so weak. It was in comparison to her. She had gained so much power that he could feel waves of it with every move she made. She led the dance, and if she were blind, Ben feared that they would collide with the other couples, but they hardly came near them. Perhaps because they were fast becoming the only two on the floor, or perhaps because she could somehow see after all.

 

“Vys,” Ben tried again, trying to find the strength he used to have the last time he had heard her voice. The lighter side of the force had stripped him of some of the source of his power from the dark, and he was certain they both knew it. “The Knights... they're dead. They're all dead and gone.” his heart had dropped to his stomach as it was filled with regrets. “I thought Snoke...” he didn't continue. His grief fast-transformed into sheer frustration and utter bewilderment. “What happened to you?!” He interrogated in a harsh whisper, so his sound level wouldn't alarm the troopers. Still, all of it tumbling out at once with every spin they made in the dance. “Where have you been?!”

 

He saw something of the smallest smile dance along the berry-red of her lips as she subtly shook her head. Ben noticed how skeletal she was. She looked like she had been starved. Perhaps she had been, while he had been living in luxury.

 

“I'm curious,” she mused softly, and Ben noticed she had avoided his questioning, “as to what you call yourself nowadays.”

 

Ben was already growing dizzy from the dance having felt lightheaded even before it had began. She could clearly feel his slackening as her grip on his hand tightened. He could feel the tips of her long, curved talons.

 

“I like what I've heard.” She continued almost tranquilly, if it weren't for the slight hiss in her words. She tossed back her head as if she were about to present or quote something, their feet still in constant movement. “You finally did it.” She whispered. “You got the gall to kill your own father, and then, what should I hear but the news that Kylo Ren has ascended to the throne...” her smile grew wider knowingly. She pressed herself against him, her skirts flowing all the way to the sides and backs of his legs, she came close enough for her lips to touch his ear. “And that Snoke has met a similar fate.”

 

Ben stopped in the middle of the dance. He couldn't help it. It were as if his shoes had been turned to iron. He was sure people were still staring, but he could no longer persist to present a facade when she knew the truth so obviously. He took some steps backward, but she still clinged to his hand and shoulder, he pulled her along with him. Something lit inside of her. Even without the expression of her eyes, Ben felt under scrutiny.

 

“Oh. You're not proud of it.” She realised with a small gasp of amusment. “You're not proud of any of it.” Her hand on his shoulder crept to the back of his neck. He tried not to shudder. Her smile faded a little, as if a cloud had passed over her. “What's happened to your pride?” She almost sounded concerned, her voice reaching a higher, smoother pitch.

 

Ben shook his head. Was he ever proud of murder? He struggled to remember what had driven him. The only thing he fought for anymore was Rey... he could only pray she would forgive him. He should never have left that elevator with her.

 

“My pride must have died with all of you.” Ben answered numbly. He lowered his voice, leaning closer to her only so that he could not be heard. “I killed Snoke because I had to.” Ben admitted. “It had to be. But don't think I didn't delight in it, I did. It had to be... for what he did to us.”

 

Vys shook her head. Ben stared at her. She knew something. Something in what he had said...

 

How had she survived? Ben almost became feverish. He drew her further from the party, desperate for his building emotions not to be a spectacle.

 

“Snoke never told you.” She mused softly, calmly, while Ben was tearing apart at the seams.

 

She licked her lips, as if savouring the taste of the power she had in the knowledge he didn't share. Ben roughly detached his fingers from her grasp, raising both his hands to her shoulders as the tension in his muscles rose.

 

“Then you tell me.” Ben demanded in an almost silent murmur, his grip on her shoulders hardened, yet his authority crumbled in seconds. “Please.” He begged.

 

She was numb to it. A blank page. A pale wall.

 

“Vys...” Ben warned, his fingertips digging into her flesh.

 

“I killed them.”

 

It was so sudden. Instantaneous, even. Ben thought he had misheard. He desperately wanted to think that he had misheard those three simple words. All this time... he thought it was Snoke. That even with her darkness, she would never... could never...

 

“Snoke didn't kill the injured.” Vys confirmed, “I did. And the ones who died in their sleep. I killed them too.”

 

Ben let her go. He backed away, leaning his weight on a pillar as it felt as if the entire ball had begun to float.

 

“No.” Ben gasped. It was as though he had been struck. “No...Snoke.” Ben emphasised, repeating what he had thought he had known for so long. She wouldn't have. She couldn't have. “He was the one to...” he blinked, desperately trying to stifle his tears. He turned his back on the crowd. What if someone saw him?

 

Somehow, even with the coverings over her eyes, he was sure she could see his eyes watering. She had no visible reaction, but was simply as strong as a grey sky. A part of Ben was entirely enraged. How could she be so calm about this? About her confession? It had to be some kind of malicious lie, just to toy with him. He was so sure once that she would never, ever lie to him. The world around him trembled. He was close to losing balance, the air itself had become thick and hot.

 

“I d-don't believe you.”

 

Ben stammered, and only then did he gain a reaction from her.

 

“No?” Vys retorted, a degree of scorn in her voice at him thinking she would lie.

 

She took his right arm in a biting grip, pulling him further into the shadow of the column and away from the eyes of the public, she lifted his trembling fingers to her temple.

 

“Look inside and see for yourself.” She urged in a seductive whisper.

 

Ben didn't want to. He didn't want to search through anybody’s mind for anything ever again unless he had to, even if they were willing. After his fierce desire to try and see her thoughts, he suddenly found himself afraid to do so, bought on by the frightening intensity of her desire for him to perform such an aggressive action. He would soon realise he hadn't much choice.

 

She sighed impatiently, raising her own hands to his head, he felt her darkness embrace him once more and he fell through, barely comprehending what was planted by her in his mind and what was real. Ben was in a space of dancing shadows on scarlet walls of the past. Vys’ cool, sleek knife in his hand. Turning a corner. The bodies of their brothers, their sisters, the landscape of them still asleep, in the dark. Still alive.

 

Ben, or Vys, raises her arm. Ben was crying out in his mind for her to stop. He was screaming, but there was no voice to scream with. Just Vys’s blade. Just the bodies. One by one. Swift slits along their throats, like the pruning of a plant. Efficient, silent. A sheet of blood was added to each of their mattresses, behind their pillows. A dripping red dye. One by one. Some had managed to open their eyes. Bulging with a final spark of agony before the realisation: the end of the line... and from her hand.

 

Take me out, Ben begged her in their joined connection. I can't stay here.

 

The injured too. Injured, through Ben’s own incompetence. It wasn't because of Vys that they were dead. Ben had led them to Snoke. It was Ben’s burden. It shouldn't be hers. He desperately didn't want it to be hers.

 

She raised her knife above them.

 

It had all come cascading back. Nilo. Naxx. Morrin. Rin. Every one of them, barely a shadow of them left behind from their nights around the fire. Huddling together in the dark and the rain in the early mornings. He had forced himself to forget. He had forced himself to leave their memories. Including hers.

 

Including Vys.

 

“Take me out.” Ben heard his voice breathe as he stumbled back into reality.

 

He felt the warm air of the night again. He glimpsed the stars. She had her arms around him. It was supposed to be a comfort. It felt more like confinement. He felt sick... he struggled meekly to free himself. Hurriedly wiping his eyes before the tears could fall, he found his strength, ripping her away from him completely.

 

No words reached him. He merely backed away with all the impact of the horrors she had shown him.

 

“Ben...” She whispered, stretching her hand to him once more.

 

He shook his head, over and over. He saw her darkness, he felt it... he had worked so hard to get away... he strode away from her.


	42. Chapter 42

 

Vys could feel his despair. Thick, clinging to her as though she'd dipped her hands into Tee'ro vine pitch. His agony serving as yet another stain on her soul, something else she would not be able wash clean. She wanted to release him, she did. But his screams, the pleas for her to free him from these memories were like a siren's song - utterly intoxicating and entirely irresistible. She tried to be detached but she could not help but be intrigued - his suffering so raw... So real... For a moment she almost felt it resonate in her own chest - she had thought herself rid of these trifle emotions. Her power had far surpassed the limitations of pain and fear. Those lessons she learned, had them carved into her flesh so she might never forget them. The fuel for her power required sacrifices of a more refined nature. Yet to feel something so primitive once more... She exhaled softly, if she could have closed her eyes to savor the sensation, she would have.

 

She was captivated, fingertips pressed against the warmth of his skin as she shared this secret. The horror of it had been hers alone to keep for well over a decade. If they were to share life together, he must know. He must feel it, must embrace it as she had to. He had to understand how this path was earned. Didn't he understand? Couldn't he see the necessity of it? She had done it FOR him. She had seen, even then, that Snoke was a vengeful and selfish master. He would allow Ben no attachments. Even then, he did not have it in him to destroy their friends. She had made the choice to wear their blood... To keep him pure. Safe. To preserve what had been that fragile flicker of Light buried deep within him. She hadn't been able to see it then, not as she did now, but she had felt it. Believed it had been there.

 

Ah, the romantic follies of youth... She had looked at him and seen the balance of the Force. She, with the darkness she could never quite shed... And he, with the lightness he could never completely extinguish. Light that she could no longer stand. He had darkness within him that had matched her own and in that she had always felt a kindred spirit. The things she had seen... The things she had done... Balance was a foolish notion. There needn't be such restraints on them. She would raise him to her level. She would remove from him the ridiculous binds placed upon him - he had such power and she would be the one to show him.

 

She just - while he had been trapped in her memories, she had seen something... Just there! Her head tilted away from him as she released him from her recollections. A faint shimmer! The glimmer of something... She held her fingertips up to the side of his head, not touching him, instead she made the smooth motion as if stirring water in a basin.

 

"Ben..."

 

He walked away from her. That which she had seen.... She would not have to chase him. She would not stoop so low. Her lips curled into a soundless snarl.

 

~

 

Rey had felt ill. Watching this stranger writhe into the crowd, making her way straight for Ben. This was not a friend. No ally. The Force was strong in her, that much was unmistakable but there not even the faintest trace of light in her. Her presence in the room felt suffocating... Could the others feel it? It was making her frantic - she ought to warn them! She wanted desperately to go to him - to place herself between them. Anything to protect him from those slender pale limbs that wrapped around him as if... As if she had any right to touch him!

 

She did not wear jealousy well. She could feel something akin to anger blossoming in her own chest. But what could she do? She turned away, making her way towards the back reaches of the room. Maybe, if she could find Hux, surely the General would have the right to intervene in such a situation. At least to divert Vysera's awful attentions away from Ben while introductions were made... She couldn't spot his flame hair amongst the crowd! Of all the times for her to have lost track of him! She was frustrated with herself.

 

She was torn, feet frozen in place. To go to Ben? To find Hux? To use this distraction to try and signal the resistance? Her squadron was leaving... CS-9874 leading them as LK and what Rey could only assume was medical staff taking the fragile JF away... Why was she suddenly so helpless? So uncertain? Everything felt as though it was slipping away from her - that broiling desperation she'd felt that had driven her to attack her own vambrace was clawing its way into her gut. Too many thoughts pulling in far too many directions! The evening was unravelling far too quickly and she felt as though she was grasping at the rapidly fraying ends to no avail. The song had faded away. Panic gripped her heart. Ben and that woman had disappeared! Where?

 

She made herself move, pushing herself down into the crowd of dancers - scarcely caring how it must look. Where had they gone? Her steps ground to a halt, hand clutching at her chest. Agony. Not hers. His.

 

"Ben..." She whispered, her eyes stinging with tears. She narrowly avoided colliding with a couple who had come gliding past. Oh, Force! Help me, she begged, turning round and round, trying to catch a glimpse... Too many people, their faces swirling by her. The two of them were difficult to miss - both of them the embodiment of majesty of which was beautiful and terrifying... The ache was beginning to abate - her brow furrowed, thinking she caught a glimpse of Ben's cloak, his form stalking away... She was about to follow him. It was risky, but...

 

Something cold touched her skin. She shuddered, turning - eyes widening in mute terror. Vysera Ren stood before her. She wasn't so much taller than herself but her presence dwarfed her own.

 

"Dance with me." Her tone suggested that she would not accept anything less than complete obedience. Rey's lips parted, about to protest - to inform this creature that she hadn't the faintest notion of how to do such a thing and even if she did she would not do so with the likes of her! It didn't seem to matter, the crimson line of Vys' lips was the only expression she could try to decipher and it did not give her the impression that she was anywhere near being impressed.

 

Reluctantly, she lifted her hands to the ones Vys offered. She shuddered at their temperature. Cool as the snow on the Starkiller Base.

 

"Where is Be-Kylo?" She hissed, eyes narrowing as Vys' fingers moved to encircle her wrists.

 

"It is difficult to keep straight the names he chooses to call himself, isn't it?" Her head was tilted to the side, examining something that Rey couldn't see behind that ornate blindfold. Ben... Kylo... Supreme Leader... Who was he really? A Solo, a Skywalker... Vys did not need to question it, she would accept him by any name he chose because she already knew the truth. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the only thing that mattered was that he was hers. She had known it from the day he had come to the Jedi Temple. Knew it every time they took to the training field, their movements and breaths the same - when they had paired up together they had been undefeatable. They had been one. The strongest, together amongst the Knights. She would have given anything to be there to help him erase Snoke from their lives but she'd had to take the path of exile. To claim all that the Outer Rim had to offer so she might bring it to him and together they would be whole at last, after all these long years.

 

Which made this little one's existence a curious defect in her vision of their future. She had seen the cord that connected them, the bond... She followed it and it led her to this, a simpleton. Untested. Untrained. Possessed of potential that would never be honed because she would stamp it out. Vysera would not suffer her to live. Perhaps she ought to... She leaned in closely, scrutinizing her. It was making Rey nervous, cold sweat beading down her spine, soaking into her dress like so many tears bleeding into a pillowcase. She swallowed hard.

 

"What did you do to him?" Rey tired the grip on her wrist, her grip was like durasteel. Vys guided her other hand to settle on her shoulder as she dropped her own to settled around the curve of Rey's waist. Rey retracted her fingers into a soft fist, not wishing to feel the bony frame under the magnificent tucks and folds of her exquisitely made gown.

 

"This will be easier if you don't resist me." Vys purred, her steps were sweeping, elegant. Rey could only barely manage to keep up to Vys' movements which had been perfectly timed to the livelier tune being played by the orchestra. Their skirts tangled, Rey tried not to trip - the painful grip on her wrist and the one snaked around her waist was the only thing keeping her from stumbling. She got the feeling that the woman was referring to something aside from this dance. Where was Ben? The question repeated over and over in her mind as frantic as her heart beat against her ribcage. Had she... Had she done something to him like she had done to JF? Would he survive?

 

"I could say the same to you!" She growled. A show of defiance that was rewarded with a swift kick to the back of her ankle. She was falling! A small gasp escaped her lips but Vys caught her, bending over her, arm still holding her at the waist, inches from the ground, she could feel the tips of Vysera’s fingernails digging into the soft flesh, even through the minute protection her dress afforded her. It was a warning, vital organs easily within her reach should she bury her fingers into the flesh and rip them away. Vysera was deceptively strong for how slender she appeared. It was an impressive maneuver from a spectator's perspective - the flamboyance of it, the spectacle garnered them a smattering of applause. In a breathless moment, Vys had pulled her back up to her feet, their bodies pressed close as she trailed a hand down the side of her cheek. Rey reared her face back, the muscles in her neck hardening into firm lines as she tried to pull away. Disgust written on her features as she tried to free herself from the woman's grasp. A pointless gesture, she was held tight - the woman's breath falling on her neck as she drew closer, inhaling deeply.

 

"You wear his scent..." She whispered into Rey's ear. The one that Ben had offered such heated affections to earlier - the attentions given to her now made her shudder but it was utterly bereft of pleasure. Rey grit her teeth, struggling again, the muscles in her arms and along her back flexing as she tried her hardest to pull away. Vys' blood heated, rage exploding into her chest, a thousand barbs of jealous shrapnel burying themselves into her flesh. If she reached out now, traced the curve of her ear with her own tongue she was certain she would taste him upon her. How long had she herself craved such things? And while she was held away in exile - he had given pieces of himself away that he could never get back... Pieces that should have been HERS!

 

"Let go of me!" Rey hissed, she could feel the woman's nails sinking into the flesh of her arm and she gasped in pain, a small cry escaping her, lost in the crash of orchestral music as Vysera clenched her fingers tighter. Her sharp nails slipped into her, parting the muscle and sinew easily beneath the tanned prison of skin, just as her knives had opened the gates of the lives of her friends so long ago, allowing their spirits to flee. Rey wanted to rail against her, but her limbs did not seem to wish to obey her. There was a rising tide of danger, a wave forming, building! Cresting, about to break upon her and she was trapped, doomed to look on as a spectator - helpless to intervene.

 

"Did you think you had the privilege of being the first to love him?" Her voice held the promise of pain and bloodshed, Rey could feel something rising in her, reflecting something in her own soul like a dark mirror. It was a hungry thing, ugly and bitter... The words matched the feeling she had experienced earlier. Jealousy. Immediately she was horrified that they could feel anything the same. She froze. H-how? How could she possibly have known? She was certain that Ben would not have said anything... Or perhaps she had been the point of weakness, miserable at hiding herself away for very long. A more terrifying thought bit at the forefront of her mind - what if she had looked inside her mind? What if she hadn't even felt it?!

 

"Foolish girl! You think you are strong enough to carry the weight of this bond? Do you think yourself WORTHY?" She let go of her arm, fingertips reaching towards the side of her head, stained crimson with Rey's own blood. Rey's chest rose and fell with uneven breath. She could... How did she know about their bond? Vys was not finished, the hand pushed into her hair, staining the tips of the delphica crimson where she smeared her fingertips along it - Vys could almost feel the waves of the ocean lapping around her own legs, the essence of Ben's intent upon it, so sweet... So innocent! A ridiculous notion! He had not been innocent for such a long time! He had blood on his hands just as she did! She knew all too well that they would never be clean, never free of the spectres of their past. Yet he allowed himself to become soft... How dare he lessen himself to this petty sentimentality! He was above all of this! And this... Puny child! Vysera bared her teeth, a snarl of disgust on her blood red lips. How dare he insult himself and herself in turn by sinking so low as to... As to feel anything towards this little wretch! He should have consumed her long ago! 

 

A moment of clarity. She could have sighed, she ought to have known she would have to clean his messes - just as before. She would devour this small creature and any other who came to stand between them!

 

"You have not earned that right!" She pulled the flower free, strands of her chestnut hair joining the broken stem in her stony grasp, the force of the motion sending Rey's hair tumbling down around her shoulders. The flower cascaded to the ground, flattened by Vysera's next step as she twisted them around, hand settling on the side of her face, the tip of her fingernail biting into the flesh of her cheek - enough to draw a single crimson bead on her lightly freckled face. She wanted to tear it away, the flesh that adhered to the fine skeletal frame beneath her touch. She was beautiful, like Ben was. Vys could feel it... It enraged her, having sacrificed so much for him! She knew she could not appeal to him like this. She could no longer wear the guise of something sweet and pure - they both knew the truth too wholeheartedly for such a lie to ever stick. He would forsake her for something this tender, this vulnerable? She pushed her nail in harder, she wanted to rip screams from this little girl's lips in every octave! If she was a monster, it was because she had become so for him!

 

"Perhaps I should punish you for you insolence! Here, before all these eyes...." Her voice had become a breathless, frantic whisper, "Mark you as you dared to mark him!" Her lips twisted into a wide smile, displaying sharp white teeth. Nothing would please her more, to defile her, to ruin her visage... To take away this blinding glimmering light away from him. She had suffered... Why shouldn't he?


	43. Chapter 43

Hux was in a bold state by the time that he spied Rey in the hands of that woman. He had resolved to dance the next dance with her, especially since proceedings were well under way, the First Order in an event of jubilation for the first time since its conception. Hux would not be denied what he had fought so hard for. The two women were certainly a sight to behold. They seemed complete opposites; KR-0117 in a modest breeze of a gown in tones of white and soft blush while that Vysera Ren woman had by far the most impressive appearance in the entire room, dripping in black and crimson. Hux couldn't help but question the woman’s intentions. Showing up there, dressed like a queen, sharing the name of Ren... To say it was a daring move would be a gross understatement. She might as well make a bid for power there and then.

 

Where had she come from? Hux had enough to deal with without the likes of her butting in. Unless, she had something to do with the secret that Kylo had been keeping. While waiting for KR-0117 to finish her dance, Hux considered seeking out the Supreme Leader to quiz him on his specific relationship with this woman. Hux was sure her name sounded familiar. Perhaps they had engaged in courting each other before and she had returned on a change of heart to ask for his hand. It certainly looked like it when she had first drawn Kylo into a dance. They had been so close that they could have merged together. Hux rolled his eyes, taking yet another sip of champagne. Passion, and for the likes of Kylo Ren?! It was laughable.

 

The music would soon draw to a pause, he was sure. He crept nearer and nearer to the two women, the crowd graciously parting to his pleasure when they saw him passing through. He was soon at the front, and as near to them as he could be. That was when he noticed- the trickle of blood down KR-0117’s arm. The woman ripped the flower from her hair, stamping on it with their next turn as the effect of such a move had KR-0117’s locks falling all over her back and shoulders. Hux’s vision had clarified. This wasn't a dance. This was a fight. Vysera’s talon drew a mark on the smoothness of Jira’s... of KR-0117’s cheek.

 

The nerve of this woman! First to present herself to Kylo like a bride, to do away with one of the troopers somehow, to make herself the main attraction despite her status as a complete outsider and now to take KR-0117 in her ruthless, beastly clutches and injure her in the middle of a dance? Perhaps it was the alcohol, but Hux was hardly going to let it stand. She'd gone far enough. He was about to interrupt their dancing himself when he saw a dark figure on the other side of the dancers mirror his movement, taking a step forward, he stared at the flower on the ground.

 

Kylo Ren?

 

Hux met his midnight eyes. Damn it, what was he doing? What did he care for KR-0117’s flower? Did he want Vysera for the next dance? He could have her!

 

They stared at each other for only a passing second in confusion. Why was he so confused? He should know damn well what Hux wanted. Kylo waste no more time. He darted forward, disrupting the flow of the dance, he laid his hand on Vysera’s shoulder, tearing her away in a manner that bordered on hostility. Then Hux himself grew even further puzzled by such an action. Was this affection or hatred? The look in Kylo’s eyes definitely simmered with something close to what Hux knew was his temper. Hux couldn't be concerned with it. With Kylo distracted, it would be unlikely that he would receive another opportunity like this one. He crossed over the dance floor, careful and swift to avoid the other couples, on a constant rotation around them all.

 

~

 

Ben couldn't bear it. He walked fast, not knowing entirely where he was going, so long as it was away from her. He ran his hands over his eyes, eliminating any remaining drops. He was desperate to find Rey. Whatever Vys had planned for him, after what he had seen... she was a loose canon. She was reaching lightning, himself the long metal rod in the earth that would attract her wrath. Rey had to be warned. The images of his brothers and sisters being slaughtered was still thundering through his senses. He had forgotten - the feeling of casual sadism. He had worked so hard just to feel again, he couldn't let that work be torn down. He couldn't remember the exact sensation of ordering a village to be shot down as if he were commenting on the weather. He struggled to slow his breathing. He had to keep it together. There were people everywhere, any of them could be watching him at any time, but where was she? He took some deep breaths. He couldn't find a thing if he was panicking. He had to remember who he was. He felt his weight on the ground. He had power. Power that had earned him his title as Supreme Leader. He had the control, not Vys, not even Hux... wherever he had got to...

 

The crowd near to the dancers gave a small applause.

 

Ben peered through the bodies. He saw the raven black and the rose-red brush along the floor, inches from a skirt of white, like the colours of dawn.

 

Ben’s heart caught in his throat. His thoughts were already racing all over again.

 

“No...” he whispered. “No, no, no...”

 

In an instant he was racing through, though he didn't break into a full run, he pushed past those who were in his path. He could no longer care about how it looked. The dance had become quite the show, the crowd where he had got to had thickened. As soon as the people became aware of his appearance, they drew apart to let him pass. Ben lifted his eyes, the swirl of dancers distracted him. Then he caught a glimpse of Vys’ elaborate crown. At the floor, a meter from his feet...

 

The delphica.

 

Ben pulled his stare from the ruined flower back to the movement of the hem of Vys’s elaborate skirt. In the corner of his eye, he thought he saw the red hair of Hux, his steely eyes wide and his brow furrowed. Was the General waiting for Rey’s attention?

 

Ben couldn't be distracted. His eyes traced the trail of blood along Rey’s wrist and Vys’s sharp grip. His chest tightened, his rage flooded him and made his limbs tremble. He thought he couldn't breathe. How had Vys known? His efforts to give her nothing of his most intimate thoughts had fallen through. She had lifted a long nail to Rey’s soft cheek...

 

Ben couldn't wait any longer. He broke through the crowd. Vys heard him approach. She turned, a slow and wicked grin of sharp white teeth taking its time to fully unveil itself. Ben grasped her by the shoulder, tearing her from Rey. She didn't stumble despite how vicious Ben had been. As if her darkness had already embedded a part of itself within him, his rage, the roots of his own torments gnawed away his insides.

 

For the most agonisingly fleeting of moments, he found Rey’s eyes with his own. He couldn't explain anything of what he wanted simply through his eyes. His trembling fingers reached to the open wound on her wrist, his gaze already watering again at the sight. They were only a centimetre from touching...

 

Then Vys took hold of his own forearm with startling strength. He was dragged away just as Hux was reaching the scene, coming to Rey’s side.

 

Ben tried to hide the weight of his own despair. Hux had taken Rey’s palm, observing her wrist in the place of Ben. Was that... real concern in his sharp brows knitting together? Ben realised that all Hux had ever seemed to want was his own life. His title, his power, and now, even his love. Ben turned back to Vys. To smother his dark will to inflict some pain on her was an effort that almost exhausted him. His teeth grit together. His hopes of finding any aspect of the friendship they once shared had diminished altogether. He knew now; he could see her intent. Ben tore his arm from her.

 

“Don't you touch her.” Ben growled, each word filled with the venom of his rage.

 

Vys remained unfazed, even a kind of malicious anger mixing with delight spread on her lips.

 

“Vys!” Ben snarled lowly at her being utterly unaffected by his warning. He looked around, careful not to raise his voice too much over the music. “If you touch her,” Ben continued, “I will kill you.” He swore darkly. “I won't hesitate.”

 

Ben realised he was only fuelling the flames. He had revealed to her what she already knew when she had pricked Rey with her talons in the first place. His care for her would be the very thing that would bring death closer.

 

~

 

"Just try it and I'll do far worse to you!" Rey snarled back, her voice taking the low pitch and fervor of the other woman. She could feel the heat of her own anger rising. She could tolerate the affront on her own account but knowing that she had caused Ben such great pain! That she wasn't likely finished... That was unacceptable. This woman was chaos and poison. It was dangerous. She was a mistress of the writhing darkness, understanding it so intimately that it seemed to take so little effort to call it forth in those she set her mark.

 

If she could have seen her eyebrows, she could imagine one lifting with the singular corner of her lips - a cold smirk of amusement.

 

"Oh?" She breathed, dipping her fingers into that soft brown hair, pulling her closer. She reeked of Ben... It was an insult of mounting proportions. It wasn't just her neck that bore his presence... She could see fine threads of his lingering touch all over her illuminated frame. Her nose wrinkled, lips barely managing to refrain from curling in disgust and rage. "Is that so? With everyone watching, what will you do?" Her hand trailed down her shoulder, over the curve of her chest, sliding her hand down to her waist - distorting his lingering marks, leaving the stain of her own touch. Rey's revulsion could not be hidden. Nor would she allowed herself to be trodden over like this!

 

She slid her hand from Vysera's shoulder, settling her fingers around her neck, thumb sliding up the front of her throat, a motion that may have looked deceptively affectionate, upon closer inspection it would become clear that the heated look in Rey's eyes, however was not one of lust - the flush on her cheeks was not borne of passion. Vys paused for a moment, feeling the pressure sliding up her windpipe. Rey reached out with the Force, she could feel her... A pulsing, putrid wound in the Force.

 

"Have you the nerve?" Vys whispered, leaning into her touch, taunting as she tipped her head back, a dark parody of Rey's own actions earlier in the elevator. Rey grit her teeth. She wanted to... Everything in her being was screaming at her to do it - take her life! End this threat now before she could be allowed to commit anymore transgressions! She could feel the power rising in her, like when CS-9874 had her pinned to the ground... She could feel the muscles, the tendons... The fragile veins in this horror's neck, thrumming with that sickening darkness... All she had to do... Was clench her fist... Will all the intricate internal structure of her neck to seal tight. But it was more than that... She wanted to shatter the bones stacked in their neat column, to crush her... To rip her to shreds!

 

She was glaring so hard at Vys' face that she had not seen the General standing and watching, nor had she seen Ben approaching - her rage clouding her senses. Her sole point of attention was the steady pulse under her fingertips and the biting need to still it. Vys was not so blind to them. She had noted the General's interest - a hundred tantalizing prospects blossomed from the observation, and Ben.... She could feel him coming like the dark clouds rolling across the sky before a thunderstorm. She shivered, sensing his reaching hand that seized her shoulder as she turned slowly to face him. A soft hiss escaped her lips - a part of her relishing the savagery in his grip.

 

Rey turned, blazing eyes falling on Ben. The hellfire in her dwindled rapidly, her heart felt like it was shattering, taking in his expression that was tainted with so many emotions. She tried to reassure him with her expression. He lifted trembling fingers to her just freed wrist - she wanted to return the gesture. She was about to, the muscles in her arm tensing in preparation to lift her fingers towards his but Vys was standing just close enough to reach out with her hand, palm hitting her squarely in the chest sending her reeling back into the General while she gripped Ben's arm and dragged him off.

 

_ ‘Vys! If you touch her... I will kill you. I won't hesitate.’ _

 

She was grinning like a fox in a chicken coup. His threat earned him a low, melodic chuckle. She let the dark intent wash over her, a low sound of pleasure tumbling from her lips. The darkness he had contained was slowly unfurling. Good... Yes... She wanted him to embrace it... All she had to do was coax it out of him like the starved beast that it was.

 

"So you say..." Vys stopped suddenly, turning to glance over her shoulder at Hux and Rey. It was disgusting, how much appeal that little cretin possessed. Next time, she would not let it stand - she would ruin her. Deform her countenance so any who beheld her would turn their head from the discomfort of seeing such a broken soul. Still, for the moment, it served her agenda just fine. She tilted her head towards Ben.

 

"They look lovely, don't they?" Vys leaned her head against Ben's shoulder, it was just perfect that the space between the General and his little flower had all but disappeared. Black hands on her slender pale clad waist.

 

~

 

Rey was caught off guard, her breath knocked out of her as Vys' hand connected with her chest, a soft wheeze escaping her lips. She tried to throw a foot back to brace herself but her heel caught on the hem of her skirt, unused to navigating in such garments - she heard something tear, arms wavering in the attempt to stabilize herself. But it was no use, she was falling... She resigned herself to it. It was not the despair of potentially embarrassing herself that was the worst of it - watching that demon of a woman leading Ben away...

 

Strong hands encased in black leather gripped her waist, she gasped in surprise, tipping her head back, eyes widening - lips half parted. The General! She had not even seen him during the exchange. She swallowed hard, her heart suddenly pounding in her chest. He helped to steady her, turning her gently, far more gently than she would have ever expected. She was still beneath his touch as if she was frightened movement of her own accord may prompt him for more. It was a touch that lingered just a few seconds too long. She cleared her throat, at last shifting nervously.

 

"Th-thank you." She managed, her tone more of a whisper than she would have liked, still reeling from everything that had just happened.

 

He released her waist, and she exhaled the breath she had not realized she had been holding. Instead he caught her hand in his own, twisting her limb slightly to investigate the wound Vysera had given her, five points, the mouth of five delicate rivulets of her blood - the brand of her fingers already turning an angry red. She would be wearing the manacles of her bruises for some time, Rey suspected - her eyes taking in the damage. The expression on his face seemed to be one of genuine concern. Somehow that was more worrying than his usual cool and detached demeanor. It was easier to remain on guard if he were inhuman... Treacherous...

 

"The..." She glanced over her shoulder, she could see the retreating points of Vysera's crown and Ben's dark head of hair following her. Cold dread settled into her chest, the sharp points of fear stabbing into her gut. What? What could she say? That she didn't think he was safe? Undermine his image that a stranger could be a threat to him? She felt her frustration returning - why could she not play these games as well as they could?

 

"That woman is a spirited dancer." She mumbled, eyes falling back to the General's gentle grip on her hand, so delicate she had almost forgotten it.

 

~

 

Hux had given himself mainly over to instinct. If Kylo was allowed to behave as peculiarly as he was with Vysera, then he could hardly blame Hux for simply acting on what called to him at the present moment. Besides, he wouldn't dare to miss his chance. The champagne had made him even more confident. In a second he could see her tipping towards him. He didn't think, merely put out his hands to catch the curve of her waist. She was even lighter than he expected somehow. There was something that he enjoyed in having her in such a hold. Being the one for her to lean on. He seemed to be the only one out of the four of them who still remained somewhat calm. Even the woman, despite her cool demeanour, had a manic glimmer in her razor-sharp smile that made even Hux experience a crawling anxiety in his skin. He seemed to be the only one who hadn't resorted to any kind of violence, nor been the victim to anything other than Kylo’s odd shove and pull.

 

He was yet to understand the power play between Kylo and the woman, but he was now sure that Kylo was hardly behaving affectionately towards her, despite them sharing a name. Hux knew his expression all too well. The woman had done something... something that had cut more deeply into his defences than much of Hux’s own past efforts. How had she done such a thing in the mere course of an evening after showing up out of nowhere, when Hux had worked for years: listening and anticipating and spying and crafting his slow uprising like a perfect work of art, waiting for his time to strike?

 

KR-0117 had an elegant form, and while she had been unbalanced, she still maintained something of a confidence that was extremely rare, especially in the lowly troops of the First Order. The thin and draped style of her dress meant that Hux could theoretically feel every curve of her body. Her long hair, having been let loose was wonderfully thick and heavy while simultaneously being free from its confines. Somehow, his rules would never apply to her. She leant against him, and he enjoyed her pressing to his chest far more than he should have. As if he had played the hero. He painted a picture of himself her saviour, as childish and clichéd as it was, it still gave him an odd delight that he was hardly used to.

 

_ ‘Th-thank you.’ _

 

He smiled to himself. Even she knew it, and she was actually grateful for his appearance. He couldn't quite remember the last time his actions had been appreciated, when he wasn't just given empty flattery or ruthless insults. She had clearly found her feet, yet he realised he had still been holding her waist. He let go. His eyes found the markings on her arm and he took her hand, lifting them closer, scanning the wounds that witch had driven deeply into her flesh. It was an unpleasant sight on the delicate skin of her arm. Unnecessary, for it to be marked in red so savagely like this. For a most beautiful picture to be marred. Was this sentimentality or was he merely tired by violence that had taken over what was meant to be a happy occasion? Had the champagne made him soft like when he had last drank in her company? It was a dangerous thing: to consider caring. He didn't let go of her hand.

 

_ ‘The…’ _

 

Hux looked up to follow her line of sight. She seemed transfixed, fearing even, as her eyes followed the progress of Kylo and the woman, both of them like blots of ink on the page of the rest of the ball. Was she still frightened by the woman? Hux wanted to ask her why Vysera had attacked her like this. What bound KR-0117, Vysera Ren and Kylo Ren together? Each piece of the mystery grew more and more puzzling. KR-0117 was still staring at the two of them, her eyes were wide and her brows furrowed. She was concerned. She was fearing... but, as Hux observed her more closely he realised that she wasn't just fearing for herself...

 

Kylo Ren’s seething hatred and his wounded expression was obvious to Hux even from a distance. What did KR-0117 know? Was Kylo Ren truly in danger? Damn it, what exactly were Vysera’s intentions? What would happen if Kylo were to topple under the weight of whatever history he shared with the woman? Would Hux be faced with the threat of a figure he had never known? Hux was certain just by the crown shape in her attire that she desired a throne. What would it mean for him?

 

No. There had been far too much that he had worked night and day to accomplish. She had no right. Either way, if Hux had correctly assumed her intentions, she would have to be eliminated. Even if he were forced to help Kylo achieve such an objective.

 

_ ‘That woman is a spirited dancer.’ _

 

She had turned back to him. There was more meaning in what she said. Hux was not entirely in a laughing mood after this incident, though he still admired her dry humour somewhat. Vysera Ren and Kylo Ren had disappeared into the crowd. Hux took a deep breath. He reminded himself that he had spent many years of time planting seeds of admiration for him in the Order. Whether this woman dared to poison Kylo’s champagne or whether he found it in him to put an end to her before she could start something to begin with, it wouldn't matter in the long term. Hux was certain that his moment of glory was soon to draw near. That the First Order was already his child, even if it served under the name of Ren.

 

Hux realised he had continued to hold her hand, the warmth of it could be felt even from behind his slick, dark glove.

 

“I imagine you've had quite enough of dancing for tonight.” Hux guessed, somewhat bitterly. “It's a shame, though with the benefit of high-insight...”

 

His gaze lingered on another tray of glittering, golden glasses being passed amongst the crowd.

 

“I should rather not engage in such an activity, myself. It's much too frivolous under the circumstances.”

 

He gently pulled her further from the dance floor. He hadn't too much of a desire to be in the centre of the room where further rumours would be spread. He was concerned by the idea of Kylo berating him, but with the entrance of the woman, it seemed that his hands were full for the moment. Hux considered if he should just ask straightforwardly. Perhaps it was his merry state, but he couldn't see a fault in asking the question innocently. He looked from KR-0117’s wounds to her wide eyes.

 

“What quarrel did Vysera Ren have with you?” He wondered aloud.


	44. Chapter 44

It was difficult to say who was leading the other. Both of their feet seemed to be heading in the same direction - into the interior of the elevator carriage. Vysera found herself bracing against the railing, perhaps he had shoved her or had she stumbled? It didn't matter. It wasn't as if she minded, he wanted to take her away from his precious harlot, so much the better. It only gave her more ammunition to fire at him. She tipped her head back, issuing a soft chuckle from her velvety lips. If only his intentions were of a gentler nature. If only he wished to spend these moments alone to get better reacquainted. To catch up on old times, as it were.

 

"You trust that dog with her but not me? That hurts." Her tone was mocking, she was utterly unconvinced by his threat. He could try to hurt her... She very nearly relished the prospect of it - having lived with a void as vast and dark as the vacuum of space within herself for so long, she longed to be filled with something that made her feel... Vaguely human. Provided it was by his hand. She wondered, did he possess the power to make her yield? Was there anything in this galaxy that could bring her to submission? Unlikely, still, it did not stop her from applying pressure to the very gaping holes in his defenses, delighting in the way it made him bristle.

 

But for all her torment, he would not kill her. Of that she was certain. If he was capable of such things, he would have rid himself of the traitor who wanted to take that flame of a girl. How could he abide such discord? Had he truly learned nothing after all these years? Had the lessons they'd been taught not registered?

 

The doors slid closed and she crossed her arms.

 

"More foolishly, you trust her with him," She lifted her fingernails up as if examining them, a bizarre notion considering the veil over her eyes, she lifted her pointed nails to her tongue, trailing the tip over the stained tips, tasting his beloved's blood. She pulled her lower lip between her teeth as if to savor it. "You've kindled something in her... Right...." She pushed away from the railing, hands dropping to her sides, circling him slowly. "In this..." She paused, inhaling deeply as she drew closer. "Very spot!" Her voice had softened to a shocked whisper, the last word almost spat, hateful jealousy as she crossed to stand before him.

 

Yet for all his infractions, he still felt so good... By the Force - she had missed him! His presence washing over her. A delicious thrill of something wild and untamed just under the surface. She wanted to free it, to see the fire within him grow. How he had used to be. But something was different. The Light she once thought would make him strong and a valuable ally had corrupted him. Weakened him. That girl was the source of it, she was certain! She remembered the first village they had taken. A mining planet that the First Order would come to occupy once they had cut down all the leadership. The citizens were enslaved - free labor in the vast mines they cut into the planet's surface. Where was that strength? Where was that vicious streak? That biting ruthlessness? That bloody determination? Where was Kylo Ren?

 

"She won't be able to resist him. He needs that warmth, too. What do you think will happen when his restraint fails at last? He's probably touching that soft skin as we speak... She won't be able to stop him. Not indefinitely. She has a need, now, a weakness. And you will not fulfill it." She regarded him for a long moment. Nose wrinkling. Her teeth ground together, frustration boiling over.

 

"I don't understand! She's a bloody child, Ren! Or is it Ben, again? Who are you, really?" Rey’s youthfulness grated on Vysera. She was far closer in age to Ben than that girl was. Perhaps that was the appeal, she hated to think he could be so base as to drop to those levels putting himself on the same ground as so many others. What else could there possibly be? Had that simple, plain girl awakened that need in Ben, breaking open a dam with consequences the likes of which she could not possibly comprehend?

 

"So, who is she? Why her?" At the same question, her tone begged the answer to another question... Why hadn't he waited? Why not her, Vysera, who had been nothing but loyal all these years? That girl couldn't have done anything in this time to have garnered such a response from him, certainly... Not when she herself had done so much more, when they had shared together in all the highs and lows! The losses right alongside the victories! They suffered under Snoke's hand TOGETHER! If he hated what she was now, it was him who was partly to blame. If he'd gotten up the courage to kill their master sooner, she could have returned to his side before things.... Things had progressed so far. 

 

Why, oh, why had he waited so long?

 

Now, it felt as though she couldn't stop. A driving, insatiable need pushing her onward. She offered him something of a small, sad smile. He would either submit or he would find himself consumed with all the others. The smile slid from her lips…

 

~

 

_ ‘I imagine you've had quite enough of dancing for tonight. It's a shame, though with the benefit of high-insight…’ _

 

Rey wanted to pull her hand back, lifting her free hand to close over the garish injury she'd been dealt. Thankfully, it had begun to stop bleeding, she needn't worry about it dripping on some poor passerby. She nodded her head weakly, her gut was churning. Sick with worry, the desperate need to get away. She did not miss the hint of bitterness in his words. She could not bring herself to offer to oblige him. Not only was she sick of being touched but she still had no idea on how to dance. It was only by Vysera's strength and force that she had managed to pass as anything close to a competent dancer. A claim she could not otherwise state. Or, at least, not in such a manner that would be acceptable on this dance floor. She had seen enough of the Twi'leks dance to have a feel for it but the music playing here was not suited to it, nor did she wish to press herself against the General so closely nor roll her hips against him as she had seen been done to patrons when the girls had been feeling particularly rambunctious.

 

_ ‘I should rather not engage in such an activity, myself. It's much too frivolous under the circumstances.’ _

 

She was relieved that he did not ask her to, after all. Her gaze followed his towards the waiter passing by with the gleaming glasses ringed with gold, pale bubbling liquid masterfully contained in their delicate bulbs. She was pleased that he did not take one. She couldn't imagine carrying such a platter and not seeing them spilled over some poor trooper's finery. What would happen tomorrow? Would all this finery be relegated to the trash compactors in the morning? Back to regulations as if all of this had been some bizarre, sublime dream?

 

A gentle tug on her hand brought her thoughts back to the present, she blinked up at Hux. He meant to lead her off the dance floor, she realized. The only thing she considered to be more dangerous than remaining there was to be alone with him. She swallowed hard, thinking briefly of snagging one of the fine stemmed glasses for her own sake. But she needed a clear mind... She had to get away...

 

He led her out onto one of the balconies she'd investigated earlier. It was abandoned, save for their two figures. She drew a deep breath. Something on her thigh twitched and she nearly screamed aloud. The communicator! They.... Were contacting her?

 

_ ‘What quarrel did Vysera Ren have with you?’ _

 

Hux's question cut through her just as surely as Vysera's nails had. She shook her head, lifting her shoulders in a shrug. She had to think... And quickly!

 

"Maybe I glanced at her for a fraction too long?" Her voice wavered. Bewilderment? Or perhaps something else. She narrowed her eyes, bristling at the mention of the other woman. At least, that was how she hoped it appeared. Internally she was panicking. She withdrew her hand as delicately as she could, as if she feared he might be able to sense her deceit. She cradled her hand over her chest, forgetting the blood for an instant but an instant too late, crimson beads soaking into her gown - now that the adrenaline was fading, it had begun to ache.

 

"She's a kriffing Ren! Do they need a reason? Perhaps it is a trait of Rens to share the same irrational temper!" She glanced up at him, eyes wide as if she realized she had spoken drastically out of turn. She gasped, hand raising to her mouth as she turned abruptly to the side, staring out at the ocean. It was not fear or shock she had to fabricate. Even with his distaste for Ben, the General had always shown a propensity for following protocol. She would be lucky if he didn't order her thrown off this very cliff!

 

"I..." She bowed her head, hair falling forward to shield her burning cheeks from his sight, "I apologize, I... I think I need a drink." She braced her hands on the railing. It was dangerous. Foolish, possibly. But she was running out of options, the communicator was buzzing against her leg with frantic persistence. She could not afford to miss this opportunity. She did not know if he would grant her request and fetch her a drink, it seemed unlikely - but he might, if she was lucky, dismiss her so she could go... Three columns down there was a nook she could settle into, out of sight... Get the word to the rebels.

 

~

 

He was aware that the situation had come spiralling out of control in only the matter of a night. Matters had grown desperate indeed when he felt far easier in leaving Rey in the hands of Hux than he did letting Vysera roam around with her. Suddenly even the malicious intent and great ambitions of the General seemed merely as frightening as a cat in comparison to the lioness who had been let loose in the ball in the form of Vysera Ren. Ben would have to remain stronger than he had ever been. He had something to loose, a reason to live again. He would cling to it like he never had before. Snoke had corrupted him once, but he was no longer a child, and he would not be a slave to the dark again. 

 

Nevertheless, the ache to show Vys what remained of his wrath was more than he could ever remember. He would not surrender, but fight to the death if he could hold onto the love that he had learned. The love that had given him meaning again. He would not be kind. He was not naive enough to have hope for Vys, no matter what memories he had been shown. A look into her mind had only confirmed it. She was consumed by darkness utterly, and not even Ben had experienced such a thing, despite him having tried. As soon as they came to the elevator and out of the eye of the public, Ben’s temper surpassed his fear. She was his friend, his sister, once!

 

He thought of the blood on Rey’s arm and took Vysera by her own arm in a kind of vengeance, practically hurling her into the inside of the elevator, her body meeting the railing with an audible clang.

 

She was still so smug, so proud! While his pride had diminished by his own admission, Vys’ had only grown. Had she found him when he was at his darkest, he was sure that he would recognise some of it inside himself. He pushed the thought away. He couldn't think that way. She was nothing like him, not anymore. She had more in common with Snoke than with him.

 

_ ‘You trust that dog with her but not me? That hurts.’ _

 

Better teeth of a dog than a wolf. Vys was enjoying this. Every moment of it. She wanted to anger him, to drive him mad... Ben resolved to stay silent for as long as he could manage. Let her say what she wanted. Let her try to bring down the fortress of his new-found strength within the grey, the balance of the force. Let her have her fun. He deserved to suffer after all. If only Rey would be safe and left alone, he was quite content to bear the burden and the consequences of his treatment of Vysera and the Knights, leading them to Snoke’s wrath. He deserved far worse than whatever she had in store, but Rey? How dare Vys attempt to soil her very kindness and benevolence with the darkness and corruption that should have died with them both.

 

The doors had closed with a small bump, and Ben was in the cage with her. The cell of their own joined suffering. The weights of the past were heavy chains around them. If only she could let go of them, as he had done.

 

_ ‘More foolishly, you trust her with him,’ _

 

Ben couldn't do anything else. Not with Vysera there. At least Hux didn't know the secret between himself and Rey... yet. At least he might be tame, keeping his manners in front of the stormtroopers, calculating a plot rather than making an attack outright. At least he was refined and patient and seemed to desire Rey’s affection rather than a fight with her. 

 

Vys’ words nevertheless turned Ben's legs to lead and his thoughts grew sour as he was reminded of Hux’s hands holding Rey’s waist, like a fox holding a porg in its jaws. His attention was brought back to Vysera. She had lifted the long knives of her nails to her tongue, savouring the taste of Rey’s blood. Ben shuddered with fury and disgust in equal measure. He might have once been cruel, but to delight in such duties? To enjoy the taste of blood? That was something he had never managed, nor had he ever wanted to, nor could he ever understand it. For it to be her blood too? For Rey’s pain to be savoured by Vys’ snake-like tongue... Ben swallowed down the sickness that had rising to his throat at the sight. He looked away.

 

_ ‘You've kindled something in her... Right....’ _

 

She came around him, circling like a predator, like a tightening snake, her breath meeting his neck. Ben brought his eyes to the ceiling, close to making a prayer to the force, or his grandfather, even his father. What right did he have to ask for such things? He ought to suffer. The elevator was taking forever to pull them away. Ben had tried hard not to let his thoughts wander to when he was last in the elevator with Rey, despite Vys’ words. She couldn't know. How could she know...

 

She stood in the very place that Rey had done. Ben stiffened, coming to the elevator doors. A horrific, mangled mirror of what had passed earlier that evening. His back barely touched the surface that had somehow grown cold, as if the temperature of Vys’ skin had spread through the entire space. Ben himself felt cold, and yet the heat of his blood made battle with the fear that chilled him to the bone. She had come so close, her face once more only an inch from his.

 

_ ‘In this... Very spot!’ _

 

She knew. She could see everything, all of it. Ben’s throat tightened. His fingers trembled as they itched to strike, to choke her like a weed for spreading her vines around him, and for taking his own breath away with her mere words. He convinced himself that it was her own darkness that had inspired these thoughts in him, though the lines had become blurred already between her sick passion and his dizzying fury. Her blind desire and his blind retaliation. How could she see everything and yet nothing? Ben still couldn't help but question why she had covered her eyes and if she was truly blind. Did she merely desire to hide behind a mask as he had done for so long? If she couldn't see... why did he feel like she was scanning every detail of him with her non-existent sight?

 

Ben tried to remove what he saw before him. He tried to replace the Vys in front him with the child he grew up with, desperately grasping at some kind of anchor to stop himself being lost in the sea of their sins and his grief. Somewhere, he had to believe, a child remained inside of her. Luke had seen good in her, once. Ben ridiculed himself for thinking like Luke, when Luke had stood over him with a lightsaber in his hand that fateful night. Would Luke kill Vys if he were still alive and knew of her?

 

_ "She won't be able to resist him.”  _ Vys continued.

 

Ben lowered his look to the floor. He had become as hard as stone. This was the voice of her vile jealousy that she was attempting to pass to him like a disease. He wouldn't submit. It grew harder and harder to cling to the thought of Rey in that elevator with the presence of Vys in her place there, trying her hardest to wither and corrupt it.

 

_ “He needs that warmth, too, probably touching that soft skin as we speak...” _

 

Ben thought of his steely eyes observing the smooth skin of her arm, his gloved hand in hers, the two of them, side by side. He closed his eyes, but it only made the image stronger. The red-haired General’s tight grasp on her yielding form.

 

_ “She won't be able to stop him. Not indefinitely. She has a need, now, a weakness. And you will not fulfill it." _

 

Ben drew in a sharp breath. His heart ached from being drawn through guilt to despair to the relentless ache of jealousy. She was playing with him, he had to remind himself after each of her sentences. It was a projection. An empty image. He knew what was real. He had felt it when Rey was in his arms. He might be selfish for believing her smile was real at the beach, that the perfection he felt when he was alone with her was a sign, yet if he could not hold on to these memories, what else could he reach for that would prevent him from falling to the dark again? No. He wouldn't fall, he promised himself. His connection to Rey was strong. Far stronger than anything else he had built. Stronger than whatever poison Snoke had poured into his mind. Stronger than whatever Vys had to say to him.

 

_ ‘I don't understand! She's a bloody child, Ren! Or is it Ben, again? Who are you, really?’ _

 

Of course she wouldn't understand. It gave him a peculiar satisfaction that she had grown frustrated by the combination of his silence and the endurance of the light he had woven in his soul with the guidance of Rey’s hand. She was no child, or, if she was, then so was he. They were all still children. Searching for what had been stolen from them by a cruel world. Vys was still a child too, no matter what she might argue, he was certain. They had shared those memories. Like Rey, she had suffered young. Unlike Rey, Snoke had helped it consume her. Ben had finally learned who he was after finding what he had searched for, for so long. Vys was not about to strip that away with her own case for what they had shared. Ben had not found himself during the times they spent together.

 

_ ‘So, who is she? Why her?’ _

 

There was such frustration in her tone. Her obvious jealousy had been revealed like a swallowing hole that she made feeble attempts to cover. It was Ben’s turn to be satisfied by her discomfort. Vys demanded an explanation from him that he could never fully give her, even if she had the slightest hope of understanding. No, he would let her boil and writhe in the pool of her own outrage and envy while he stood and watched. This would be the only grim duty that he would take pleasure in without questioning his conscience.

 

“You underestimate her, and therefore, by extension, you underestimate myself.” Ben told her in a low snarl. “For Rey and I are two halves of the same.”

 

Vys shook her head with something of a scoff just at the notion. To her, Ben was certain they couldn't be more different.

 

“We are the balance of the force.” Ben persisted, aware that she was fast becoming purely livid. “My love for her was destined, but it was also my choice.”

 

Vys had turned her back, denying Ben his grim pleasure to watch her struggle with the truth of his new emotions.

 

“I cared for you, once.” Ben admitted, drawing nearer to her. “I could even have had something of a care for you again.” It was his turn to toy with her as she had dared to with him. He couldn't deny his desire, his odd curiousity to watch her squirm as he had done. He leaned over her, as close as he could bring himself to be without his skin crawling. “But then you threatened her.” Ben hissed, turning Vys roughly back to face him, before forcing her back against the railing with a brutal shove.

 

He lifted his hand to her throat, but while his instincts were roaring for him to take this chance, he knew already that he couldn't. She knew it too, that much was clear from her wide, shark-like grin. She enjoyed this even more. She enjoyed him spreading his pain just as much as she enjoyed feeding it. Ben let her go with a heavy breath. He wouldn't give her this satisfaction either.

 

“Without her,” Ben continued in a murmur, “I cannot live. And if you want to take her away from me...” he took in yet another shuddering breath at the mere notion. “Then I will follow.” He vowed. “I will go where she goes.”

 

The elevator drew to a stop.


	45. Chapter 45

KR-0117’s comment on the aggressive and reckless nature of the name of Ren gave Hux some reassurance. Perhaps she was not so concerned for the Supreme Leader as he had guessed after all. Still, she had a certain haste and fluctuation in her exclamations which, while somewhat suspicious, was only natural, he supposed, considering whatever tussle Vysera Ren had engaged her in. Whatever the case, KR-0117 clearly wasn't in the mood to be cooperative in whatever he questioned her on, nor would she surely be in a mood to entertain his attempts to court her, however pretty she might look, even with her unravelled hair and the blood stains that had been made on her dress. Her request for a drink had brought Hux’s wandering eyes back to the appealing glitter of the glasses. 

 

The tension and embarrassment of the four of them being caught together publicly in the centre of the room had Hux similarly wishing he had yet another drink in his hand himself. Could he still entertain the idea that he could be something of her hero? If he were to give her comfort, would he be doing so because he enjoyed it? Or because he wanted to entertain the thought that she would be in his debt? Was it because he had a habit of coming close to others in exchange for small favours, and a way to learn from them, to learn their secrets? Whatever the reason, it ultimately didn't matter. If not for her, then he would at least get a drink for himself.

 

“I daresay I’d rather enjoy another drink myself.” Hux admitted, though he had forgotten that such a comment could make her more uneasy, after she has seen him grow drunk. The drink had already somewhat loosened his lips neverthless. “I'll be sure to fetch you a glass.” Hux promised.

 

With these words, he turned on his heel, following the trays of champagne, unable to deny his will to push away his subtle, nagging doubts with the heaviness and cheer of another drink.

 

~

 

_ ‘You underestimate her, and therefore, by extension, you underestimate myself. For Rey and I are two halves of the same.’ _

 

Vysera made a noise of disgust. What a slight! How could be possibly think himself the same as that wretch? She should have been nothing to him! Already long into his struggles before she had even been born! The girl had been all spitfire and talk but she'd hardly put up much of a defense. A babe in the woods. Vys simmered in her own irritation, she should have slipped into her mind and destroyed it there on the dance floor! Consequences be damned! She could have... She could have snaked in between what she was certain would be the flimsiest of defenses and sow the seeds of insanity. She could have taken all that she was and destroyed her in the snap of her fingers!

 

_ ‘We are the balance of the force. My love for her was destined, but it was also my choice.’ _

 

She turned away from him, refusing to hear this drivel. It was beneath him. And her. She shouldn't have to listen to this! Balance!!! There was no such thing - there was only will. Hers was stronger. And once upon a time, so his had been, too! She gnashed her teeth, an ache answering the pressure she applied, she could feel it arcing up her jaw as though she could grind away her irritation. Trivial pain, barely a tickle compared to all she had endured and yet... Love! Vile, treacherous.... How could he love her? She wanted to scream, to crumple the smooth panes of the walls of the elevator to put her pain into something... Or someone else. How dare he!

 

_ ‘I cared for you, once. I could even have had something of a care for you again.’ _

 

Care.... Care! What did he know of care? Of love? Love was sacrifice and no one knew that better than she! He was a spoiled brat! Promised one! The thoughts bit and scratched at her mind, prompting her to lift her fingertips to the sides of her head as if the pressure might drive the furious voice away. It thundered, cracking along the inside of her head like lightning splitting the night sky. 

 

Always the favorite, given so much for such little of his own efforts.... All that he had was bought on the backs of others! BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID FOR HIM! All because of that precious blood in his veins... He was undeserving! UNWORTHY! She seethed with rage, her already ghostly pale skin of her knuckles whitened further as she tightened her fingers into fists. Fine crimson points appeared on the tips of her nails as they threatened to split her palms. He drew near to her, she could feel it but she did not move away, swaying gently to the bloodsong swelling in her ears.

 

She should instruct him on his follies! Correct the errors of his ways, realign his thoughts with true clarity. She was slipping beyond the realms of unbridled fury - the savagery of her cruelty breaking on the shores, gently eroding the fragile dam holding back the ferocity of the insanity staining the edges of her mind. She was almost giddy with it, unholy delight at the thought. She would make his flesh a textbook, break his flesh, yes! Break his body... Break his mind... She would remake him as Snoke had done... Yes, yes! But... Better. Yes! Ah, so much better! She would erase from him all weaknesses...

 

_ ‘But then you threatened her.’ _

 

He seized her shoulders, spinning her 'round to face him. She bared her teeth as he shoved her back, metal greeting her back with cruel force, yielding nothing to her frame. She groaned softly, here it was! His rage... Answering her call! She felt... Elated... She ought to have been afraid. His hand lifted to her throat, she could feel his touch though his fingers had not met with her skin. Denying her even that! When she finished with him.... He would never defy her AGAIN! She could feel his power, coursing through her throat like a second pulse. She grinned widely, a small hiss escaping her lips sounding almost as if she had said yes, coaxing him on this dark path. She shuddered with delight.

 

And then it dropped. He released her. She growled low in her throat, a predatory sound.

 

_ ‘Without her, I cannot live. And if you want to take her away from me…’ _

 

His voice softened. Here it was... The weakness. The ruin that girl had brought to her own heart's blood - where once he would have not hesitated, here he was... Bargaining... When he should have been commanding! Why did she think she ever wanted to share rule with this charlatan? This impostor! She was BETTER than this! She always had been... Her breathing was heavy now, her thoughts a violent storm, a hurricane of chaos.

 

_ ‘Then I will follow. I will go where she goes.’ _

 

She hissed, like a feral cat as she pushed him away from her, nose wrinkling as she bared her teeth at him - pacing like a trapped beast.

 

"How fortunate that I do not require your..." She paused, barely able to make herself speak the words, it dripped from her tongue like poison, "Love. Your.... Care!" The word sounded like a curse in her lowered voice. She laughed then, bitterly as she paused in the corner to regard him. She smirked, straightening her shoulders, suddenly calm and collected. Like a cloud passing before the sun. "I can take whatever I please. Consent is not numbered amongst the things I need from you."

 

"Perhaps in my absence, Snoke never taught you... But I have learned, there are things far worse than death." She stepped closer, "I can teach you..." Her face was centimeters from his own, her hatred thickening the air. Coddled boy! What right did he have to happiness? SELFISH! As if he were entitled to a life of his choosing, after all he had done... After all that had been done in his name! He OWED her! It was a debt he could not hope to repay, not truly, but she would exact payment from him one way or another! She lifted her hand back, almost as if she intended to strike him - the thought of marking him... Splitting the other side of his face had brought her a great deal of pleasure, a venomous thrill. The elevator dinged, they had reached the next floor. Something was wrong. She could feel the Force shifting... Twisting. The girl, Ben... Herself... And now another touched of the Force...

 

Her head tilted, nostrils flaring as she scented the air, tongue darting between her lips. Brusquely, she pushed him aside with as much force as she could muster - she hope it hurt when he fell against the wall. She maneuvered to the side of the elevator doors, back pressed against the controls as her hands snaked to the small of her back, pulling gleaming knives from the folds of her gown. Twisted blades, designed to puncture through metal, to slide easily into flesh and deal irreversible damage upon their withdrawal.

 

"It seems this is to be a night of reunions." She sounded suddenly quite weary. She had waited so many long years for this night and it seemed the galaxy had other plans. She had no desire to fight two Force users when she need only to wait to sweep in and collect her prize. Calculating and patient, the end game was one she was willing to bide her time for. "Make no mistake, Ben... I will come for you. Don't forget, you oathed yourself to me - I certainly haven't." All those years ago, when they shed their old names, their old lives... When they had become Ren together...

 

The doors slid open and she darted forward far faster than she had any right to, adorned as she was. There was the thick sound of metal punching through something meaty, a soft groan and a thud. The song of steel as she withdrew her blades. And she was gone, swift and silent. The muted sound of nearly silenced blaster fire - a stealth incursion - and bright beams of energy splitting the air around her retreating form as she ducked down a hallway as deft as a spider navigating a web and the corpse on the ground was the only evidence she had ever been there.

 

~

 

To her surprise, the General barely reacted to her comment. She was not thrown from the balcony, nor did he summon the security force to drag her away. Instead, his gaze traveled to the belly of the ballroom, the waiters making their circuits.

 

_ ‘I daresay I’d rather enjoy another drink myself.’ _

 

Another drink. He had already begun, then.... She offered a small smile.

 

_ ‘I'll be sure to fetch you a glass.’ _

 

She offered her thanks, watching as he turned his back to go about the task of procuring their drinks. Under other circumstances, she would have been dreading the words, thinking of how she might avoid such interactions but.. Her hands were already grabbing handfuls of her skirt, yanking the hem up so she could pull out the communicator, she wanted to turn her back - but she couldn't. She had to be able to watch the General's progress...

 

She activated it, Finn's voice was paging her.

 

"I'm here!" She gasped, her heart singing at the sound of his voice. He was alive! In the background, she could hear the cadence of Poe's voice - he was giving orders....

 

"Rey! Oh, it's so good to hea-" Poes voice cut across his, interrupting him. "Rey, we've been trying to raise you for days! We're making a move! You must be ready to meet us in the Keshnar cluster!" He sounded excited, rushed... In the background, she could hear Leia's tones of calm assertion.

 

"Keshnar? Finn! Listen to me, I don't have a ship! I'm on a planet called Vorkenna." Her eyes swept across the ballroom - Hux had stopped a waiter.

 

"Vork- What?" Finn sounded... Shocked.... And... Concerned.

 

"Rey.... What are you doing on Vorkenna?" It was Poe, now, his voice very measured, low... Leia in the background, sounded hopeful.

 

Something cut across the night sky, so fast... Blotting the stars from her sight for only a moment. It was so quick she thought she must have imagined it.

 

"I-I'm with Ben! He's..." Muffled, she could hear yelling in the background, she couldn't make out the words. But she knew the tone of anger when she heard it.

 

Finn's voice cut back in, he sounded.... panicked.

 

"Rey. Rey! You have to ge--" The line was silenced, the communicator's pulse cut. Hux was on his way back. Panic gripped her, she could hardly... There wasn't time to hide it. Swallowing hard, she turned away, fingers loosening their grip as the communicator began to drop. She seized it with the Force, guiding it to a small ledge below just as Hux had returned.

 

The conversation had not gone according to plan. She was left with a great deal of questions and no foreseeable way of having them answered. She'd have to return for the communicator later, try to reopen the lines and hopefully explain. But for now, she had greater concerns.

 

"Thank you!" She said, a little breathless as she reached out to take the glass he offered. She lifted it, mirroring the motion he made as he clinked the two glasses together delicately. She rested her back against the stonework of the balcony, lifting the glass to her lips. It... Smelled... She tried not to think of the smell of alcohol that had hung on Hux's breath that night on Jira. She drew a short breath, tipping the glass and drank it down. She nearly gagged on it, the taste was almost bitter - a warmth spilling down her throat and blossoming in her chest.

 

She risked a look at the General, immediately getting the impression that she had consumed her drink altogether too quickly. Still, given the circumstances...

 

"I don't know how you haven't made a habit of this... The way he treats you." She muttered, her voice a rasping whisper as she tried to recover from the drink. Her eyes almost watered, unused to alcohol of any degree. They were incriminating words, but... Words she hoped would prompt him to speak. She was far better at listening than speaking. There was nothing dangerous about listening...

 

"It's a beautiful evening, General. You have truly outdone yourself." She hurried to direct attention away from her faux pas with the drink, away from words that may encourage him to act on his already traitorous intent... Something else, then. Something genuine because she'd never been adept at lying. Her eyes had drifted back to the swell of dancers, the glittering room, the impressive musicians... All of it was stunning, she could not keep the awe out of her expression.

 

What was the harm? Had he ever been given praise, truly? When he'd been given cruelty throughout his entire life? When even Ben rose his hand against him in violence... She hated the thought of it. It was needlessly cruel. She doubted very much that the man before her regarded Ben as a friend but if there was slightest sliver of truth in his sentiment... She felt sorrow welling up in her chest at the thought. No, he deserved better than that. If... If he had been shown kindness sooner, perhaps he would have been a different man. All of this... This grand statement, all of it could have been under better circumstances... He would have made an excellent ruler if only he had it in him to be benevolent rather than a malicious dictator... If he had a heart that was warm rather than one that had been turned to stone.

 

She drew a deep breath, resolving herself not to join the ranks of those who cut him with cruel words. If nothing else, she could try and show him... Show him what? She questioned herself, her determination wavering - he was dangerous, she had said. Not to be trusted, she had warned Ben... Yet what did that have to do with kindness? She could still hold herself in complete reserve and still be civilized, she told herself sternly.

 

"Truly, I hope you are proud of your accomplishments." She glanced at him, offering a warm smile. She lifted her finger to the side of her head, eyes falling to the intricate golden circlet of fine crafted leaves he had chosen to wear - the gold melding with his red hair. "And your..." She circled her fingertip, not having a name for it, "Very grand. All of it." She was horrible at this, she decided, eyes dropping back to her empty glass with a small frown. Did she wish for more drink or was it hunger that twisted her stomach - she hadn't eaten anything but those lollies the night before... In spite of her woes, her concerns, she felt blissfully light headed.

 

~

 

Vysera had become something Ben couldn't fully classify as human. After her unintelligible snarl, it was not a stretch for him to believe that she would no longer use words for her vile purposes, only the sentences of violence combined with the emphasis of ungodly howls and and blood-curdling snarls. Yet, she did speak. She spoke because they both knew that her words were amoungst her most lethal of weapons.

 

_ ‘How fortunate that I do not require your... Love. Your.... Care.’ _

 

There was such loathing in her regard for compassion or affection. Ben wondered what disease she had caught to have turned healing waters into poison. A part of him still thought of pain as his true state of being. If she had resigned herself to it, in what dark hue within her blindness did she see their memories of companionship and their moments of fleeting tenderness? Was it all so disgusting to her? Was it so repulsive that she would even consider his love a punishment rather than a gift? Was this something of what his very father had felt that night on the bridge when he had extended his heart to Ben, only for him to tear it open?

 

Her laughter added injury to insult. She had classified his promise as a joke. Still, perhaps it was. He was not like his father. He was not foolish enough to believe that she would turn, even after all the seemingly impossible things that Rey had done to prove his conceptions of the dark side of himself wrong. Vysera was different. Perhaps she had always been different. Her laughter diminished, but as she grew calmer, Ben’s tension only grew. He was a thread pulled tight, so close to snapping altogether.

 

_ ‘I can take whatever I please. Consent is not numbered amongst the things I need from you.’ _

 

Her tone sent shivers down his spine. He stood tall, nonetheless. He decided that her power would not frighten him. Though she was dangerous, though he despised her presence, though he dreaded that he knew she was determined to lay her cold, long, sharpened fingers on Rey again, he would not succumb to letting her scare him.

 

_ ‘Perhaps in my absence, Snoke never taught you... But I have learned, there are things far worse than death.’ _

 

She drew nearer to him once more and Ben avoided her look, despite her having no eyes to see him with.

 

_ ‘I can teach you…’ _

 

Ben could feel his knuckles turning white from the fists he hadn't fully realised his hands had formed. Ben knew well enough that death was an easy way to avoid further suffering. Losing Rey would be worse than death. Finally losing his mind could perhaps be worse. Ben was sure that whatever plot Vysera had concocted would likely include both these options and that she would deliver them in the slowest and most agonizing way that Ben couldn't bring himself to imagine. He could feel her anger as clearly as the pricking of thorns behind the snowy petals of her skin. He had not wounded her with what he had told her. He had only helped to spread her fire.

 

She brought her hand up into the air, and Ben closed his eyes in anticipation of her inevitable strike. He would allow her that much, for his wrongs. No matter what she might believe, he would choose to let her hurt him, so long as he would also do everything in his power to prevent Rey from coming to harm. He opened his eyes. Her strike had never come.

 

She had lowered her hand, her tongue wetting her lips, not quite with the same hunger that she had shown earlier that evening, but with something he couldn't quite define. An anticipation, perhaps? As soon as Ben let out a breath, hopeful that by the grace of something he had not yet discovered she had become distracted, she knocked the air out of him, he fell back against the wall of the elevator in his shock at her sudden movement. She had inched out of the way of the doors. He thought he saw the gleam of one of her blades being drawn behind her back. Ben evened his weight and grew light, his shock trembled like a watery reflection, shifting and settling into a new-found concern. Something waited for them outside of those doors, and if it was enough to make even Vys wary...

 

_ ‘It seems this is to be a night of reunions.’ _

 

Her voice was tired. How had her energy melted away so quickly? Ben should have been relieved, but her words had only heightened his distress. Another reunion? Ben was far too distracted to try and sense what she had felt so clearly. Ben had no idea that Vys would return before the evening began. What was to be next? He could almost comfort himself with the notion that this night couldn't possibly get worse or that the unexpected would not be so horrifying as Vys’ appearance had been.

 

_ "Make no mistake, Ben...” _ she threatened,  _ “I will come for you. Don't forget, you oathed yourself to me - I certainly haven't." _

 

Her appeal might as well have been made to a different man, yet her words were not to be taken lightly. She shared one of his names...

 

Ben pressed against the wall as the doors came open, he had barely taken a single step before she had already run her steel through the waiting body outside, the limbs smacking the cold floor a minute later. Ben’s heart sped into a quickstep. He chased after her, but she was fast disappearing into the shadows, as swift as fading smoke. Ben stopped. He turned back to the body, lying meters behind him in a puddle of blood. Their uniform, even from a distance... Ben knew, yet he was sure he had to be wrong.

 

Something held him where he was, trapped in the cell of his own flesh. Something was drawn over his panic, like the sweeping of mournful curtains over an open window to smother a whimpering wind. As if those very thoughts had come into being, a shadow fell across the rays of icy starlight that should have come from a window at the other end of the corridor.

 

Ben had felt something like this before. Something long forgotten. Something in Han’s final touch...

 

“No.” He whispered aloud, unwilling to believe it.


	46. Chapter 46

The sound of blasters echoed in the corridors. There was a time when Ben had the resolve to massacre as many of them as he could. When he could enter the battlefield with his weapon ablaze in his hand. There was a time when he believed them all to be traitors, liars, drunks and arrogant youths. That was before he realised he was just the same. A traitor to both the light and the dark. A liar so skilled that he had lied to himself and to those closest to him for many, many years. An arrogant youth, drunk with the prospects of power and desire.

 

Times had changed. If anything, he merely wanted to sink away into the shadows as Vys had seemed to do. He wished to become empty air that blaster-fire wouldn't be able to strike. His exchange with Vys had made him so exhausted.

 

He finally persuaded himself to confront the shadow. He had no weapon. Only the force. He grounded himself, as heavy as a bull. The sleek nose of a ship hovered in relative silence just outside the window. He stared up at its silhouette, inching out into its beady headlights. A vessel selected for its stealth.

 

Ben questioned why he was revealing himself to that ship. Couldn't he just hide away in the elevator again?

 

He supposed that such an action as running was not in his nature, however tempting it seemed. No, he would take ownership of the pain he had caused. He would face whatever had come.

 

Whoever had come.

 

Where had Vys gone? What if... He had to get to Rey before she did…

 

Would the resistance take her back? Ben could only hope that they would. That she could be anywhere, anywhere at all that would make it harder for Vys to get to her.

 

Ben’s thoughts were silenced by bombardment of fire on the glass. Pure instinct took over as even the bulletproof strength of it began to splinter with a harrowing crackle. He made a dive to the ground on his knees, his shoulder hitting the side of the wall as the fire continued over his head, glass shards splattering like a rain-shower over the frizzes of his hair and his velvet cloak. The ground around him was soon carpeted with piercing transparent knives and greying dust. He held his hands to his ears, but the shriek of the firepower colliding with the clattering panes of the window was enough to daze him, if only for a moment.

 

As soon as the ringing in his ears stopped, he staggered to his feet and whipped back around to face the window, a new breeze from its shattered hole catching on his glass-littered clothes. He drew his tired eyes up to the door, like the hole of a creature’s jaw falling open.

 

His instincts and his adrenaline was screaming for him to run. He could feel troops closing in on all sides. Yet there was something stronger than both them and his sensations of sheer panic. It came in the form of her deep brown eyes. The loss and ferocity of those same eyes that he saw whenever he looked in the mirror.

 

~

 

Hux knew as soon as she had drank that she had never tried alcohol of any sort before in her entire life. It would have been charming, if it wasn't something else to add to his list of her suspicious actions. It seemed strangely ironic that she had adopted the identity of Yera in a pub, no less, on Jira, when the girl had never actually drunk herself.

 

_ ‘I don't know how you haven't made a habit of this... The way he treats you.’ _

 

Hux lowered his gaze to the floor. Was such a question a mere cover for what she truly believed? For what many had grown to believe, perhaps? That he was Ren’s puppet? His doormat? His boot so he could stand in the dirt? Well he would prove her wrong. He would show them all, very soon, that Kylo was a far weaker man. Hux was quickly growing livid with anger at the mere mention of Ren. He had started the evening with the intention of playing nicely with the Supreme Leader. He had done well, he wanted to believe, in wooing KR-0117 with his polite behaviour in the face of Ren’s savagery. 

 

Hux’s blood had nevertheless grown hot. His new drink trembled in his hands as he entertained the delightful thought of wringing Kylo’s neck and Vysera’s too while he was at it. Such thoughts weren't logical but he couldn't help but question if The Order would instantly accuse him or if they would even have any particular quarrel with him whatsoever if a drop of poison were to be found in Kylo’s drink, after the proclamation of his death.

 

_ ‘It's a beautiful evening, General. You have truly outdone yourself.’ _

 

Hux paused. For any light compliment to fly from her lips like an arrow straight after his mind had wandered to so dark a place was a pleasure that he has not prepared for. Was it just something for her to say? No. She believed it. That's what made her different: he had never heard her speak a word that sounded insincere, though it was not uncommon for her to give rushed explanations and somewhat hasty changes of subject. Her eyes were wide as she watched his preparations and hard work glimmer in a light that was pale yet somehow warm.

 

_ ‘Truly, I hope you are proud of your accomplishments.’ _

 

Hux had taught himself to take pride in every one of accomplishments. Such an attitude had helped him to survive the constant ridicule from everyone around him, especially, admittedly, when Supreme Leader Snoke was on the throne. Hux might have thought him a leader one hundred times better than the likes of Kylo, but there was no denying his cruelty and that Hux had been humiliated by him at least as much as by Kylo. Snoke had pushed him. It had worked. Hux had been sculpted by the lack of faith others had in him. It had forced Hux to prove them wrong, as he believed he would do again. Yet for someone else to directly compliment him? To give a piece of their admiration of his work to him in a mere sentence? Hux didn't know quite how to react to it. He never felt he knew how to react to KR-0117. That's exactly what made her so... exciting.

 

_ ‘And your… _ ’ it was obvious, much to Hux’s small amusement, that she couldn't find the name for it as her finger traced the golden leaves atop his head,  _ ‘Very grand. All of it.’ _

 

Hux couldn't resist a small smile of mirth. He was not a man who was easily amused, but KR-0117 was a breath of fresh air in a place that was usually so stifling. How had she remained so untainted? Was it really... jealousy, that Hux felt? How was she somehow able to look at this event as if she had a new pair of eyes? It was true that Hux had tried his best to make it look impressive, but now that the occasion had drawn on and his pride had been voiced by someone other than himself, something inside him had oddly deflated. Perhaps the drink had made him feel heavier. He stared out into the night sky, his body heavy, as if his clothes had been drenched.

 

“You fascinate me, KR-0117.” Hux admitted aloud. His voice had slurred a little. He tried to hide it, to maintain his rigid posture despite his confession. “I’m sure you've gathered as much.” He looked at her with something of a lopsided smirk as he realised the humour in how obvious his statement had been, but then his joking mood evaporated as fast as it had appeared. He looked into the empty spaces between the stars, leaning his arm somewhat heavily on a column, the breeze of the night offering to cool the heat of his skin. 

 

“As soon as I am sure that you despise me, you treat me with...” he dared to meet her eyes again. He knew the word, he just realised how odd it would sound on his tongue even before he had said it. “...with kindness.” He finished, already somewhat cringing in reaction to how quickly the drink had melted his outer shell.

 

He raised his glass to his lips once more, but he didn't drink. It seemed a poor excuse to shut up his thoughts. He knew he should have thanked her, but he couldn't possibly, not after what he had just exclaimed. He ought to just accept her praise as mere fact. He needed to remember exactly who he was…

 

~

 

Before this night, Rey had not even truly understood what a 'ball' was. Not really. Ben had described it as a large gathering but she had not been prepared. She wished... She wished for a few hours that they might have been... Selfishly, she wanted to enjoy the evening. She had wanted to experience it as others must have. She wished she was not drowning in anxiety. Over Vysera Ren's appearance, where Ben was, if he was alright, longing to find him to go to him! What the rebels were planning…? If the man beside her intended to harm her?  Always second guessing...

 

Festivities were few and far between on Jakku and she had certainly not been invited to any of them. Parties barely existed and never in a million years did she think they could hope to have reached a level as incredible as this. She certainly could never have imagined the likes of the luxury displayed here. She'd been so shocked to discover clean running water... From a tap! And that you could change the temperature as you desired! No pumping it from a well that you had to barter for rights to use... No boiling the water to purify it and temperature control! It had once been her wildest dream. She doubted very much that the likes of Hux had ever been mesmerised by a simple shower or air conditioning before...

 

It seemed no matter where she went, she would always be the least worldly in the room. She doubted there would come a day when she an equal among others, truly. Even with those who were not sworn to the First Order seemed to have seen and experienced a great deal more than she ever had. Practically everything seemed new, she could not seem to hide her fascination in spite of her best efforts, her awe always seemed to be written across her features, her mind always hungry for new knowledge, wanting to piece things together and restore what was broken. Perhaps it was a personality flaw, cleverly disguised as kindness. Perhaps she was the greatest master of falsehood among any of them! A hidden need for control, the urge to leave order and peace in her wake when she'd had none of her own as she had grown from a child to a girl and into a young woman.

 

Whatever the case, she always felt at a disadvantage. Not only in her knowledge of the many worlds in their galaxy but when it came to people themselves. They operated differently. Saying and doing one thing and yet meaning another. Duplicity, in earnest, was never the first port of call. She had adjusted to playing at alter egos, a means to blend in but when it came down it... To direct interactions... It never occurred to her to use flattery as a means to procure affection or loyalty. She didn't think of lying as armor to hide behind nor a blade to open the truth in others. She was... Too unrefined. Impulsive, still, even with the growth of her understanding of the galaxy and what little she had seen…

 

Both Vysera and Hux had branded her as a child in their eyes. How Ben had come to see her anything different, she didn't know... But she was grateful. He had never lied to her. He had done her the kindness of being direct and straightforward. His reservedness did not harbor ulterior motives, of that she was certain.

 

She swallowed, gently turning her glass in a circle between her fingertips, the tiniest of remaining drops of pale liquid swirling in the bottom of the fine glass... She shook her head. Even this! Delicately stemmed glass seemed too magnificent to be real. Intricate gold patterning along the lip of the gently shaped bowl... She resisted the urge to lift it closer to her face to truly note the patterning. Always a pupil of life's strange ways, throwing her into the deep end without preparation of what could come. She could never a teacher... What could she teach, but for her skills with machines that were a thousand times easier to decipher than the complex tapestry of the sentient living and their strange proclivity to complicate matters?

 

She had offered Hux a compliment on his attire, the words were rewarded with a small smile. Was that genuine pleasure or was she simply serving as a source for amusement? Like some strange off-planet creature caught in a cage for people to gawk at for its absurdness. She set her glass down, annoyed at herself for the self-pity she allowed to take over for those brief moments. She was the least deserving of pity. Of the lots handed out to those in life, hers was hardly anything to complain about. Before Ben and before Hux she hadn't known that family could be full of pain. How foolish of her to have hoped blindly for such a thing - knowing now that if she had stayed with those junk traders that her life could have been so much worse.

 

_ ‘You fascinate me, KR-0117.’ _

 

She turned her head to look at him, eyes widening slightly in disbelief. His confession sounded... Personal. She knew that she'd had his attention, clearly - but her assumption had been always that it was in relation to Ben. Yet there was something in his tone that seemed to suggest otherwise. Or perhaps her ego had grown disproportionately to her actual worth and she'd simply imagined it. She wasn't sure what to make of it. On her own, if she did not have a connection to his rival she was certain that she would not provoke the slightest trace of his curiosities or attention whatsoever. Much as she had passed unnoticed amongst the rest of the First Order stationed on Jira.

 

_ ‘I’m sure you've gathered as much.’ _

 

A small smirk played across his lips but it disappeared, like, it seemed all of his emotions no matter what side of the scale they lay upon, were always cut short. Hidden away. Had true self expression been so dangerous to him in the past that he could not bear to display his feelings for any length of time? It made it hard to read him. A cold pane of tinted glass that one could see, could touch and yet have no knowledge of what lay on the other side. It made it practically impossible to trust him. It seemed a careless admission of something she was sure he was not proud of. Someone of his standing admitting to having paid attention to what was essentially an expendable life, a bit of canon fodder was surely not a highlight of his evening. 

 

Particularly when she'd given no previous indicator that such admissions would be well received - she had been rather hostile towards him during most of their exchanges, her desire to protect Ben had the capacity to make her dangerous. She drew a deep breath. Either he was being incredibly brave, allowing himself to feel something and to share it or he had a lot more to drink than she had guessed and he was quickly losing himself... Again. She lifted a hand to the side of her neck, palm smoothing over the gently throbbing pulse there while she hugged herself across the waist with her other arm.

 

He leaned against the column, meeting her gaze. She decided she would not shrink from this. If... If he was capable of connecting... It was a foolish, but if she could... Communicate with him, maybe... Maybe there was hope. She tried to remove herself, her previous experiences with him and tried to see him as a new person might. He was, physically... Certainly he was not displeasing to the eye. An admission to herself that made her shift somewhat uncomfortably. That hardly mattered, of course - Vysera was impeccably presented but it had hidden, for all of a minute, a poisonous heart. How he appeared, resplendent or hideous was of no consequence. She tried to think instead of him from a more pragmatic perspective. Who he was, not necessarily the trappings of the life he lived…

 

She worried the flesh lining her lower lip between her teeth as she met his gaze. She wanted, for the briefest of moments, to reach out and touch his mind. To see what truly lay beneath the impressive façade he presented. But... She was afraid. Afraid of what she would see. She didn't think she was prepared to feel the weight of his emotions upon her again as she had when he'd last been under the influence of alcohol. She didn't know what she would find. Yet, if she could see what he kept behind such fiercely guarded closed doors she might... No. He was not a broken droid. She could not simply expose his circuitry and plunge her hands into the cavity of his chest to examine wires, heat syncs, and a few compressors. She couldn't simply peer inside, find the defective, broken piece and remove it. People, woefully, were far more difficult to decipher and while she hoped that all things broken could be mended... Such things needed care not simply brute force.

 

Besides, anything she discovered would be of no use. Not unless he trusted her enough to share it willingly. If she was to have any true understanding of Armitage Hux, it would have to be because he wanted her to. If she simply barged her way into his mind... It would mean nothing, he would despise her. Just another person imposing their will upon him. Much like the Jedi texts, she could gaze at them for hours yet the meaning was lost to her. But, thankfully, she had more of a hope of deciphering him than she did of the texts because she could work with him. He had a voice, a mind... He could speak to her where the books with their mysterious symbols remained silent and guarded. And he, it seemed, was willing to let his guard down, even if it was just a fraction.

 

_ ‘As soon as I am sure that you despise me, you treat me with... ...with kindness.’ _

 

She shook her head. That was wrong. There were a great deal of his qualities that she admired. His focus, his drive, his relentless dedication. Clearly, he was intelligent and extremely clever or else Ben would not be driven to such levels of frustration at his ploys - the First Order did not have a tendency to reward mediocrity with the privilege of rank. He was brilliant, even. Patient. Were it not for the fact that he seemed determined to use all his bountiful talents and gifts to bring pain and suffering to the man that she loved, he would have been... A good ally. 

 

Perhaps... Maybe even a friend. Even as something so close to an enemy as he was, he was still worthy of respect. As a human, he was worthy of kindness. She measured what she was about to say very carefully. She could not be as Luke had been. She could not in her mind, decide what it was that Hux was and what he was capable of. To assume he could never change was to deny him the possibility of doing so. Here, in this small moment, so far removed from everything else that seemed to be slipping out of control was a precious opportunity...

 

"No! Armitage," She paused, having never used his first name before.. She pushed past the thought to continue. "I don't despise you! I don't trus-" Her words died on her lips, a small red bead of light swung across his body, settling on his torso. Why was CS-9874's voice during training drills coming to her NOW of all times? Her head tilted slightly as realization slowly dawned on her. Center of mass.... her eyes widened - acting out of instinct, no thought directed her as she lunged at him, pushing him from where he leaned against the column. The glass in his hand shattered. She felt pain blossom on her cheek... Her shoulder. She stared up at him, lips parted in shock and confusion.

 

A second later, the balcony was alight with the rain of blaster fire. Chaos had exploded - screams from the ballroom... And then, there was a soft sound like an exhale sighed from the lips of a giant. If it was a sigh before, now it was a roar - something cracked, booming like thunder. It was not simply her hopes... A small sound of horror escaped her lips as she saw the stonework split, she tried to scramble free but her damned skirts! She tripped, landing heavily on her knees and her palms. The structure groaned and shuddered beneath them. It was then she remembered they were on a cliff's edge. There was barely the space between one heartbeat and the next before she realized what was happening. The ground gave out beneath them and they started to fall. The shock tore the breath right out of her lungs - lips parted in a silent scream.

 

Her fingers grasped at anything she could manage, skin rubbed raw, fingernails splitting as they scraped ever downwards on the crumbling balcony - a shattered portion of the column slid down past her, narrowly avoiding taking her head with it, tumbling down towards the ocean below. She finally caught purchase, heart leaping to her throat as she cast a look over her shoulder - the communicator! A swathe of black material whipped by, inches from her face - a figure rushed by her and she screamed - Hux! He had not been so lucky as to... She grit her teeth, tears springing to her eyes - both from the pain growing in her arm as she clutched at the edge of the balcony and because... She was faced with an impossible decision and left with absolutely no time to consider it.

 

She reached out, fingers splayed as she sucked in a shuddering breath, eyes closing. She felt him. Every particle of his being. Far too intimate a realization, yet she forced herself to embrace the sensation, her fingers curling into a gentle fist as she willed the Force to obey her, to hold him. A small sob bubbled in her throat, choking her as she saw the dim glow of the communicator disappear into the depths of the water... Ben.... She... Keshnar cluster, she repeated over and over in her mind as she dangled precariously, in imminent danger of joining the device in the depths below... She swore to herself that she had not lost Ben. She could... She WOULD flee - she would commandeer a shuttle and she would join the others!

 

It was then that she realized.... Hux was suspended in the air, the rubble that had been falling with him was already breaking upon the rocky shore and plunging into the ocean below them. She felt sick, holding his very life in her hands and all at once knowing she had damned herself... She raised her free hand, gritting her teeth as the pain became nearly unbearable in the arm holding her from her own death, muscles and tendons screaming their displeasure - with the rising motion of her hand, Hux rose until she could push him onto what remained of the balcony. There could be no hiding it now... 

 

For better.... Or for worse.... Much worse, she suspected. She tried not to drop him onto the ground but she had little choice, her fingers were slipping, quickly losing grip, slick with blood and the strain of her own weight threatening to pull her free. With a grunt of the strain of her effort, she swung her other arm up onto the balcony, pulling herself up onto the solid structure, gasping with exertion and half swallowed sobs.

 

She saw the arcing lights of a spacecraft sweeping away, the flash of blinding light and the dim trail of a craft making the leap to warp speed. The adrenaline was beginning to desert her - she felt shaky and weak in its absence. She lifted the back of her hand wiping away tears and something thicker that trickled down her cheek. She pushed herself up onto her knees, up to her feet. She meant to run for it - it meant crossing within Hux's reach but she had to hope... Pray that he was too shaken to make any move to stop her! She had to get out of here, to a ship... To the Keshnar cluster and to Ben! She had to believe that the rebels had gotten him, not Vysera... That is, if anyone had gotten him at all…

 


	47. Chapter 47

Despite him being taller than her, Ben felt as if he were merely seven years old again in her presence. His mouth hung open as he desperately tried to construct sentences out of the hordes of isolated regrets, fears and wishes that bombarded him. With all the eyes that had come to watch them, blasters raised, the sounds of a direct attack on the building, the chilling possibility of Rey being in peril, this was hardly how Ben had longed to be reunited with his mother. 

 

He had longed for the two of them to have met alone. For the context of war between them to be stripped away, like the achingly brief memories of calm he had shared with Rey. He realised he was selfish, he was utterly wrong to expect such a thing from her. Ben had declared his war on Leia years ago, why should she not do the same? Ben had learned the truth of his love for Rey. He applied it to what his mother might once have felt for Han, and instantly his eyes stung with tears, as he almost wished on her behalf that Ben Solo and Kylo Ren could both be erased from her existence. He would consider such a thing for himself he was sure, if it weren't for Rey’s anchor. He would not deprive both Leia of a husband and a son, as well as destroying his love for Rey in exchange for death. Not that he was certain Leia would mourn his loss. Just how much mercy was she capable of holding for him? Was he merely her enemy in her eyes or was a part of him, even now, still her son? He remembered the little that she had told him about his grandfather. Even from very few, well-chosen words, Ben knew that she would not have mercy on him at the height of his power for what tortures he had delivered to her.

 

The flock of resistance members, while tense with excitement, were oddly silent in observing Leia draw closer to Ben. Perhaps they could feel the immense weight of this moment that the two of them had been anticipating for years. Perhaps Ben’s will for silence was so strong that it had somehow managed to take effect on them. Whatever the case, Leia came to only a meter away, the resistance watching with wide eyes. Ben recognised the expression on their faces. To them, Leia was their mother. Perhaps in Ben’s place, the resistance had become her children. The thought and his selfishness brought him bitterness.

 

Ben finally found a single word in all of the hurricane of his unspoken apologies and explanations that kept resurfacing.

 

“Mother.” he whispered.

 

He didn't care if it looked weak or childish in front of the resistance members. They already thought the very worst of him. A plethora of emotions danced behind Leia’s face. She was hard and cold, but not at all like the steel machine that Ben had once tried to become.

 

Suddenly, Ben’s cascading thoughts attempted to escape his lips all at once.

 

“Rey!” He blurted, his heart and mind were racing as he considered what dangers might reach her. Hux, Vys, the resistance even. “You have to...“

 

His sentence had been cut short as Leia’s arm outstretched, her fingertips reached his shoulder. He looked at the faces of the resistance. Was she really going to...

 

He stilled as her arms came around him. Ben’s breath caught in his throat. He had expected hostility, not this. Never this. He was unprepared.

 

The pull of her arms forced him to slouch as he caved into her embrace. He pressed his trembling lips together, the tears in his eyes were threatening to spill as he became aware that he could no longer swallow. He hugged her as close to his heaving chest as he could manage, surrendering to the torment of his own care. He could not measure how much he had truly missed her. He had believed that they would never touch again. There was so much that he remembered of her, despite the unfamiliar severity and weariness in the wrinkles of her face. She still possessed that undefinable warmth, even after so many years. Her hands ran over the back of his shoulders; a gesture she had often used to comfort him and ease his hot temper. Even the subtle greeting of her floral perfume was the same. Was she really doing this? In front of the resistance? In front of those that he had attempted to destroy? He had taken the families of so many of these young soldiers. Were they really going to watch her reunite with him when they had been deprived of the love of their own brothers and sisters, their own parents and sons and daughters?

 

Leia’s grip on him grew firm to match his. He was sure that he would not be able pull away. Ben’s eyelids began to flicker. He leant against her as his resolve to stay standing faded into nothing. He wanted to lie in her arms like a boy again.

 

That was when he realised what she was doing.

 

When before he had drawn her close to him, he found himself scrambling to remove her from his person. He struggled against her loving but assertive hold. While he had no desire to hurt her, he couldn't let her do this.

 

“No...” Ben moaned, his knees trembled as he came close to falling from the burden of the slumber she was inflicting on him. He finally managed to rip himself from her grasp, but the ground seemed to shift below his feet. He collapsed to the floor.

 

“No!” He protested louder, perhaps the volume of own voice could keep himself awake.

 

He reached for what was real: the cool wind, the cluster of glass splinters on the ground beneath his body. If pain could keep him from falling into sleep, he wouldn't hesitate. Leia stood over him, as gentle as a passing cloud or a running stream. She reached a hand to his hair, projecting the force through her touch. Ben’s teeth clenched. He could almost lift himself to his feet, but his arms trembled, his fingers were slipping on the glass as his skin grew torn with tiny, warm and wet scarlet openings. His anxiety and his desperation built, even as the lids of his eyes and the will of his body grew feeble. There wouldn't be time to explain, about Rey, about Vys, about any of it!

 

He slipped back down with a thud on the floor, this time on his back. His mother’s face loomed over him. There was peace and sorrow in her gaze that something inside of him wished to be lost in. He couldn't feel his legs.

 

His shaking fingers lifted, attempting with all his might to resist, even to push back if he had to, yet the source of his power had come from her own. He would soon be overwhelmed. He felt her touch along the outline of his face. Ben couldn't move. He made one last effort, crying out into the growing void with everything he had left.

 

“Rey!” Ben called before even his voice had slowed and grew faint. “Find... Rey...”

 

His mother hushed him. She was kneeling next to him as if he were that very same innocent yet reluctant child that she had once calmed so easily, just before tucking him into the comfort of his bed.

 

~

 

_ ‘No! Armitage,’ _

 

Hux stared at her. For her to use his name, for him to be a person in her eyes, not a General...

 

He couldn't fathom why it gave him pleasure.

 

_ ‘I don't despise you! I don't trus-’ _

 

She startled him and surprised him at every turn. Not only because she had given him a sensation of... hope, that he was close to forgetting completely, but also because she had not continued. Hux looked at her in question, only for her to launch herself upon him, throwing him from his position. The glass flew from his hand, bursting into a thousand pieces, stings tearing through his glove. A horrific scarlet spray erupted from her shoulder, wetting the tip of his sleeve. Her wide eyes met his, and he realised that in a lightning strike of terror, he had stopped breathing, yet he was still alive.

 

Hux blazed like the fire around them with equal terror and fury as soon as he registered the corruption of the ball, his life, other lives, all in a precarious balance. Something above them churned and howled as if the sky itself had turned against them. Hux didn't know which way to turn, what action to take. Then the rumbling of the sky was mirrored in the earth below as cold, shooting lights penetrated the very air. Pure, savage instinct had taken him over as gravity hit, and the very foundation beneath them fractured in a thundering crackle. Hux fell on his back, his legs flailed from under him while his grasping, gloved hands clawed at any available surface with slick, bloodied fingertips. He twisted to his front in the falling stones, scrambling up ground that, in seconds, no longer existed. His hand reached again, for nothing. For empty air.

 

The wind was knocked out of him, his cape billowing behind him as he tumbled through black oblivion, his eyes had squeezed shut, ready and resigned to meet the teeth of the rocks or the smack of the ocean below.

 

He felt no impact. Was this... death itself?

 

He could still feel the bruises fast-forming on his back from the cascading stones, a warm, thick wound at his knee which he was sure was a result of the skin being torn in his attempt to climb the toppling balcony. He heard the splatter of the debris that he should have fallen with. An invisible hand held him aloft.

 

... Ren?

 

No. Kylo wasn't there, and he would have let him die.

 

Hux opened his eyes. The truth was far, far less probable. Hux saw her outstretched hand. Her features, hardened with concentration.

 

Hux felt so numb in that moment that he could believe he had died after all. Yet then there came the rush of final, victorious clarity as his body hit solid ground once more. He had never known a clarity quite like this before. A clarity so jarring, yet so seamless, so broken and yet so complete. It roared through him, the pieces flooding together, one on top of another: the girl, the stormtrooper, the fixing of the ship, the force user, the resistance, Ben’s secret...

 

It had to be, and yet it couldn't possibly be...

 

The scavenger girl.

 

The realisation, the possibility brought him a whole new adrenaline. He recovered sharply, always having been able to endure much, he needed only seconds to catch his breath. She was already on back on her feet, she made some strides, about to break into a full run. Hux didn't think. She would not escape his grasp, not again. He pounced, throwing his weight upon her, slamming the two of them on the ground, skidding across the floor. As soon as they had met with the impact, he forced his knees upon her legs, fiercely pinning down her wrists like a beast about to drink his fill. The cries and scampering feet had replaced the music around them. The fine glitter of the decor was replaced with wild flame. Tables were overturned, glass shattered, stones crumbled, and flesh too. Lying motionless in corners. Hux found his voice. Powerful heat had risen in his cheeks as his perception violently shook with the impact of this nightmare only just beginning to settle. He could hear the ship drawing away in the havoc. The ambush had drawn seemingly to a close...

 

“ENOUGH!” His torn voice filled the entirety of the ballroom, even in the wake of the shifting chaos around him.

 

The despairing people who had not run from the hall, who were not howling in their anguish had paused at his deafening cry.

 

Hux slowly pulled himself from the her struggling form. He took one last look into the pain of her expression. Surely... he couldn't feel any sorrow for what he had to do. Surely he would not let her spell of kindness, her pleasurable deceit get the better of him at the crucial moment. No. There was no excuse. He raised himself to his feet.

 

She deserved this. She lied. Was she going to say that while she didn't despise him, she didn't trust him?! The rat! The rat of a girl! The treachery of it all! That she could accuse himself of being untrustworthy when she had been keeping the biggest secret of all! Every word of comfort she had offered him, it was all another facade, a facade even more poisonous than what he had been used to because this time, he had actually fallen for it. He trembled head to toe with fury.

 

As soon as he was standing, he took her arm in a tight grip, summoning what attention he could from those few numbers who had the sense to listen.

 

“She's resistance!” Hux declared. “Have her arrested, NOW!”

 

A small number of officers, Captain Opan among them, stepped forward, ready to obey his command. The blaster fire had not picked up again. Hux took this chance.

 

“Evacuate the building!” He barked, finding his place as the commander of the crowd. He turned his attention away from her begging eyes. He would not be moved. He could only despise her, even after what she had told him: that she was the only one close to him who did not seem to despise him in return.

 

“Call medical services!” Hux continued to announce, drawing his eyes away from her.

 

A thought occurred to him. Within the masses of racing people, where had Kylo Ren got to? Surely he would have been the most important target of all...

 

As if his thoughts were answered, a breathless officer sprinted to his side.

 

“Kylo Ren...” he panted, before correcting himself, “Supreme Leader Ren has been...”

 

Hux thought his heart had skipped a beat. Had Hux’s daydreams of Ren meeting his end actually...

 

“Has been taken prisoner by the resistance, Sir.”

 

Hux let out a breath. He blinked. Kylo Ren gone, the scavenger girl finally identified and captured...

 

It dawned on him: the very destruction and death of his hard work might just have been the very push that he had craved for so long. If only Kylo could have died. Hux remembered those words when he had seen the wreckage of Snoke’s throne room that reminded him of this very moment:

 

The Supreme Leader is dead, Kylo had stated.

 

An especially peculiar and unprecedented satisfaction crept into his thoughts like the long legs of a spider.

 

“Long live the Supreme Leader.” Hux whispered to himself.

 


	48. Chapter 48

The numbers of the Resistance had swelled. After their encounter with the First Order that had driven them to the surface of Crait, they'd suffered far too many losses. Both on a personal account, and in terms of sheer numbers. Recruitment had become harder and harder with the growing presence of the First Order throughout the galaxy instating itself on nearly every planet if it was possible. A foothold here an outpost there. It was enough to deter a lot of people, no matter how downtrodden they were, to stand up. Whether it was by direct orders or simply the freedom given to those acting on behalf of the Supreme Leader - a lot of them inflicted their influenced with iron fists. Taking, seizing. Capturing and indoctrinating...

But there still those who did not believe in the First Order. Order was the enemy of chaos. And it was only with chaos that certain types thrived. Mercenaries, pirates, thieves. The sort who were motivated by personal interests and credits. Those who wanted to make a life for themselves on their own terms. While the coffers of the rebels were practically empty, Leia had a way of appealing to people, her diplomatic skills were rivaled by none as far as her small band of followers were concerned. They did their best to learn from her, to take her methods out into the galaxy and they had gathered enough resources to mount this daring mission. It was bold. There were some who held many reservations about it.

Poe, amongst them. Kylo Ren was a threat. He stood with the others, blaster trained on Kylo as he stood as a hulking form in the rubble. He felt his features harden, eyes narrowing with distrust. A part of him hoped that he would make a wrong move, even a small one that would allow him the right to put him down once and for all. A rabid dog on a broken chain! He had already killed his father! How long before he decided to do the same for his mother? Finish off what he had started! It did not seem to out of character for him. Yet, they all watched as Leia drew near to him. Calm and assured of herself as always. A remarkable woman. In all the galaxy, he doubted that another existed that was like her. Her strength, poise. The embodiment of grace and true power. They were all blessed that she had taken them under her proverbial wings.

Beside him, Finn stood with his blaster raised but he was more hesitant. There was a faint tremor in the way he held his weapon as he watched the pair. It was hard to hear - chaos was breaking out in the upper levels. He tensed suddenly as he heard Rey's name fall from Ben's lips. He was suddenly firm, adjusting his grip on his blaster as he squared himself, centering his focus. Rey had said she was here - that she was with Ben and yet... His brown eyes scanned the hallway - she was not here. Or if she was, she was hiding. He wanted to call out for her - instantly feeling concern and panic unfurling in his chest, a great many complicated emotions flowing in their wake.

"Wait, we..."

Leia had drawn Ben into her arms. Poe glanced at Finn with his brow raised in question.

"He said something about Rey!" Finn had responded in a hushed whisper - they were not about to draw attention away from the moment unfolding before them. Poe's expression softened. He knew of Finn's attachments to the Jedi girl. They all looked at her with something of hope, it was hard not to... She was one of their remaining hopes. And yet... She was not supposed to have been here. There were a great deal of questions when it came to the scavenger. Questions that would have to be answered later.

‘...No!’

Their attention snapped back to the sound of Kylo's protests - weapons ready to fire upon him if he was able to resist Leia. But he was succumbing just as she had promised them that he would. He was trying and failing to prevent himself from slipping into the slumber she was imposing upon him. The sight of his struggle would have broken Rey's heart, she would have been by his side in a moment but the onlookers here were unsympathetic to his efforts. Victory was nearly at hand! They began to advance, slowly as to not draw attention. But they had to be ready. Ready to collect him and take him on board.

‘Rey! Find..... Rey....’

At last he became silent. Still. His dark form in the confetti of shattered class and crumbled stone. Leia above him like a benevolent angel. She gave a subtle nod. Rose rushed forward to help her to stand while Poe and Finn set to work, dragging him back to the hole in the wall, to the ship hovering just outside, boarding hatch lowered and waiting for him.

"What about Rey?" Finn hissed, a question that received no answer - Poe's expression was grim as they manhandled the unconscious form of Kylo Ren towards their escape. A question that Finn could not leave unanswered!

"POE!" He shouted, finally drawing a few eyes and Poe's.

"She is not our priority. You know the mission! You know why we're here! She was never supposed to be!"

Finn's expression was slowly changing into one of anger.

"We can't just leave her!" He protested, taking a hesitant step from the solid assurance of the building onto the ramp, readjusting his grip under Ben's arms.

"She will have to make her own way to Keshnar. I'm sorry, Finn. She made her choice to defy Leia's orders. We can't blow this! Finn, she's strong. You know she'll be alright, we have to believe that. " Poe's devotion to the rebellion and to Leia had only grown, his eyes alight with an almost fanatical zeal. Finn clamped his mouth shut. He knew that look. He would get nowhere. His best hope was to appeal to Leia later. If it wasn't already too late! After they had secured their new prisoner…

~

Rey had been unprepared - her mind set on Ben. Her own recovery was not so swift, she hadn't a hope against him. Hux had sprung from his position, his weight came crashing down on her - throwing her to the ground. She smashed against the stone with a pained wheeze, the breath she would have used to scream had been expelled from between her lips. Stone and glass embraced her bare shoulders and the soft skin of her back, the flimsy material of the dress providing her almost no protection from the savagery of the moment as they slid along the destroyed ground. She felt pressure on her legs - he had her pinned rather effectively.

She lifted her hands, about to try to push him away but his hands had found firm purchase around her wrists, roughly pulling them out and to the sides before pinning them to the ground as well. She struggled, writhing against him, trying to throw him off balance, his face hovering above her own. Would he rip her throat out with his own teeth like the savage beast he appeared in this moment? He was deft, and far larger than she was, he kept her there, her heart hammering violently in her chest.

"N-no! No! Please don't do this! Please..." She gasped, forcing herself to looked up into those pale eyes she had only moments ago had felt perhaps a hope of uncovering the human streak within him. There was nothing there but fury. His features flushed with rage and the rush of victory. Everything they had tried to keep secret had been exposed because she'd been... So weak and foolish! Her eyes burned, tears flowing once again, stinging the cut on her cheek. She shook her head violently. NO! She had just... Why? A small sob escaped her trembling lips. Why hadn't she just let him die? It would have been so easy! Why couldn't she just have let him fall away?

‘ENOUGH!’

His voice made her freeze, eyes staring up at him wide in something achingly familiar to terror but it was sorrow and an utter void of hope on her features as her body was quivering from her previous efforts to throw him off. He had begun to raise to his feet - she was tucking up her legs, beginning to roll over in preparation to take off once more - she had to... She had to escape. Now! His hand seized her arm, pulling her roughly to her feet, the force of it turning her back to face him. She couldn't stop the tears, her throat thick. She struggled against him, pushing away and pulling at his arm.

"Let me go! Just let me go! You have to let me go!" She whispered hoarsely, her hands pulling at his wrist, trying to disconnect his vice-like grip.

‘She's resistance!’

She winced, a small noise of despair spilling from her throat, burning as bitter as bile. She hung her head. Ashamed of herself. Stupid girl! Idiot child! Too soft, compassion will destroy you! She could hear the words in her mind but the voice was not her own. Or perhaps it was. It didn't matter. They bore the weight of painful truth. A moment of carelessness that could cost Ben's life! She felt a question rising in her mind like a fist banging on a door. Let it in, let it in! Frantic and wild, something scratched at the edge of her mind.

‘Have her arrested, NOW!’

Hux's voice cut through the rising storm leaving it as a tepid breeze, soon forgotten. She shook her head, her eyes begged him, silently pleading with him. Surely there must be goodness in him... A thread of sympathy? A sense of what was right? Mercy? There was still time, she tried to tell herself. Empty, hollow silence answered her own thoughts.

‘Evacuate the building!’

He was turning away from her. She felt more hands encircling her arms, holding her steady as he released her. No.... No, no! It was only by the grace of their grip that she realized she was still standing. Exhausted, weak... Spent.

‘Call medical services!’

They would not be for her, she felt. It might not be for long at all that she had to worry about anything at all. Would he have her executed? Tortured? Pain, she told herself, didn't scare her. She'd endure anything they could throw at her because it would mean she was still alive. And if she was still alive, she could still fight - could still escape! It was the strength of her spirit that tried to reassure her. But she felt cold. So very cold. He was taking charge of this situation and instating order. Admirable under any other circumstances but it was only filling her with dread. Before the darkness of despair could drown her, her eyes were drawn to the sight of an officer sprinting towards them.

‘Kylo Ren... Supreme Leader Ren has been…’

She stilled, her heart felt as though it was turning to ice, her breath halted painfully as she stared.

‘Has been taken prisoner by the resistance, Sir.’

She relaxed, only marginally - the words that could have crushed her entirely had not been the ones out of the officer's lips. She tried to gather herself. If he was with the resistance... Then there was still hope. She let her eyes settle closed, trying to center herself. They had left her hands free by her side - their grip painfully tight above her elbows. She only needed... She called on the Force, gathering it's power with the last of her own remaining strength - only by the grace of the fervor of her will more than any actual remaining physical strength. She could... She could feel the building around them...

She just had to keep her breathing steady while they were distracted, she just had to focus. A sound as sharp as a whip crack split through the room - above them the roof shattered - shards of glass falling like many glittering raindrops. Other cried out in surprise - she nearly tore herself free of the officer's grip when she felt something smash into the side of her head. Before she could register that Captain Opan had delivered a well positioned blow - her world disappeared behind a veil of black nothingness. Her body crumpled to the ground.

~

Crushing waters. Flooded by the ocean that he had once admired. Submerged under its surging depths. A bed of waters. A tumbling and shifting coffin. An ice-cold oblivion. Sinking, plummeting at a breathtaking speed, he was falling... like Han. He reached into the thick pitch of a starless galaxy. What was he reaching for? Where was the island? Where was their island?!

There should have been a light, some sun or star to follow... anything at all!

Ben spun through the waters one last time before toppling onto his knees; he had been flung onto something like a thin layer of ice that hissed and fractured under his weight. Ben stretched himself on top of it, he pleaded the abyss for him not fall through that ice. The outline of a distorted metal reflection caught his attention. The deathly gaze of his skull-like mask blankly stared up at him. That couldn't be; Ben had destroyed that mask. He turned his shoulders to pull away, but it was as if his body had suddenly transformed into iron. He was oddly fascinated by his own cold disguise. Would he be in this lonely hole with it forever?

A dim glow, as feeble as a candle was lit behind him. Ben could finally turn, sliding away from his old skull of a disguise. He was unbalanced. He tried to stand with trembling knees, but he couldn't find the strength. He could merely crawl towards the light, and hope that it heard his non-existent voice. His arm stretched in the direction of the warmth. He began to hear it more quickly as the light met his face.

"N-no! No! Please don't do this! Please..."

Rey. That was Rey’s voice.

Ben was crying out her name, clawing a path in front of him with his bare nails, like marking a blackboard with deafening shrieks. He would find her. He held his breath, feeling as if his lungs had filled with the endless sea. He dragged his heavy limbs by the very tips of his fingers, somehow only able to slide like a snake in the direction of the pale light. Finally, he could hear his own voice return to him in his mind.

“Rey!” He screamed into nothing. “Rey, I'm here!”

To his relief, the light began to grow.

“Stay where you are!” Ben begged her. “I'm coming!”

He peered further into the light, holding out a quivering arm to its promise.

The comforting hue of the small rays fell into a more fiery shade. Ben was falling again. He landed surprisingly softly, like a dried leaf making its rest on soil. He was in the ballroom. The dance floor. He realised that he could stand. That was when he saw her. Thick blood marking the top of her face, Hux’s tight grip pressing her straining limbs into the uncompromising tiles of the floor.

“Rey!” Ben gasped, he was running, he barely made it two steps before...

“Shhhh...”

An arm came around his shoulders and chest, as cool and strong as a snake. Ben ached to run, but once more, he had lost control of his own limbs. Someone else pulled the strings, and to her, he was a mere puppet to be stopped and started as she pleased.

“You can do nothing.” Vys’ voice told him in a whisper, she leant against him, turning his very skin intolerably cold.

Why couldn't he move? He had never felt this helpless in his entire life. He would have grown hot with his frustration and the thundering of his heart, if it weren't for the consistent cold that had closed around him. He managed to inch one of his legs forward in a feeble step. Rey was flailing, convulsing under Hux’s ferocious hold.

“ENOUGH!” Hux screamed, sending a chill down Ben’s spine.

Ben clenched his fists. This had to be a nightmare. It could only be a nightmare... this wasn't happening...

“Hux. You sick, vile bastard...” Ben growled in pure unbridled fury, as he watched Hux wrench Rey from the floor, his grip tight on her arm. To think that Ben was even half convinced that Hux had an inch of good in him. Why did he feel so broken? Why had he expected anything more?

Friend? No. Only what Ben had always known him to be.

“You depraved sadist.” Ben spat.

“She thought she could help him.” Vys pondered softly, which only increased Ben’s bubbling rage. Her grip on him tightened, as if she could sense his rising need to fight. He remained frozen, either by the limits of this dream or by her power. “Clearly,” Ben could feel her breath at his neck, “even the mongrel of a General is a far stronger man than the likes of you.”

Ben wouldn't even hear her. He could only watch the trails of Rey’s tears. His limbs felt buried, sunken into the ground by Vys’ long fingers. He had never been so desperate. The reality of the nightmare itself shook with his temper. Vys didn't budge. Ben could almost feel her influence reaching further from him, outstretching another clawed hand to Rey. Ben couldn't stand by, no matter what lay in his way...

“Let me go, Vys.” Ben warned, not sure what would happen to this scene if his wrath somehow became a living reality. “Just let me go.”

"Let me go! Just let me go!” Rey pleaded instantly after in a raw whisper. “You have to let me go!"

She plucked at Hux’s hold but his efforts didn't lessen.

Vys looked from Ben to Rey with her non-existent eyes. Ben fell silent in his small surprise at what detail the very force seemed to have dictated.

“Now isn't that interesting...” Vys mused.

She moved from Ben’s side, taking some fluid steps closer to Rey. Ben grasped at the air, trying to find some non-existent object to use to push himself forward. He remained paralysed. Rey was already being taken into custody. Hux was barking orders... like he had any right to do so. Vys was only inches from Rey’s image.

“LEAVE HER BE!” Ben roared, he summoned a strength that he wasn't sure he even possessed since the light had welcomed something of his return.

Vys turned with almost casual interest, her head tilted to one side, yet some of her attention remained focused on Rey, as Ben shakily pushed himself forward against the invisible chains Vys had tied him with. His very blood seemed to throb in his veins from the effort against her power. Where had she learned so much? Ben didn't care. He neared Vys, just as glass pieces from the roof crashed through their transparent and weightless bodies, and Ben witnessed Opan strike Rey over the head.

Ben made a final lunge to Rey’s form. He was sure that he felt her. That for some invaluable moment, he could physically hold her close... only for her body to disappear into a cruel black mist.

The whole ballroom evaporated, throwing Ben off balance, he stumbled and swam through dream once more as the stars themselves shifted and spun in a frenzy of distress.

Vys turned to him, somehow still a solid presence in the twisting fabric of this vision. Her voice made an echo in his mind, every letter somehow a poison.

“I will find you, Ben.” She reminded him, making his previously heated blood run cold once more. “And I will free you.”

This is a nightmare, Ben attempted to convince himself. This is a delusion. This isn't real... surely he didn't need freeing from anything apart from his memories... his memories of her.

Crushing waters once more. Flooded in that same ocean. Submerged under its surging depths. A bed of waters. A tumbling and shifting coffin. An ice-cold oblivion. Sinking, plummeting at a breathtaking speed, he was falling again... like Han.

Ben opened his eyes.

Even before he felt that his wrists were restrained behind him, that he had also been drenched in cold water as a rough attempt by some bold resistance members to wake him, he knew that what he had seen was no lie. That Rey was in the hands of a devil. The resistance had not saved her, and Vys was soon going to hunt down both her and himself for her foul purposes.

Ben gasped and spluttered as he remembered that he needed to breathe, that he wasn't giving up yet, even if their problems towered over them. They were destined, Ben reminded himself. 

How long had he truly been unconscious? It hadn't felt like long. Even if it was only for a short time, Ben knew already that he would never forgive himself. He threw his heavy, long, drenched hair from his face. It was with great reluctance that he observed his surroundings. He was hardly used to a cell, yet he was sure that it could have been worse given that he was the worst man that these people would be likely to think of. An ache rippled along the joints of his arms and his wrists from them being locked behind him, but Ben knew that they were many, many miles away from trusting him, and he could hardly blame them for taking certain... precautions. 

Still, he wondered: how long would it be until they allowed him to use his hands, or even just let him wander at his pleasure within a confined space? Would he sleep like this again? Would he eat like some animal? He was hardly in a First Order cell. It was smaller. Simpler. Isolated. He was in his own room. A metal box. Sitting on a bed that was adequate enough, if it hadn't just been splashed with water. He questioned if he was on a ship, or a base...

He didn't catch the faces of the figures that had been so confident as to somewhat physically assault him with ice water, since his eyes were still blurred from his slow awakening. He did, however, recognise one of the faces who opened the door to let them out again.

Ben could almost have appreciated the irony if it weren't for his churning panic over Rey and his dread at being faced with such circumstances.

That man at the door was Poe Dameron. The greatest pilot in the resistance, whom Ben himself had once held captive and had tortured.


	49. Chapter 49

Rose had taken Leia back to her quarters. Leia didn't need to see what would follow, it had been taxing - just as she had warned them that it would be. Rose paused outside the door to her room, having just settled her into bed. She wrung her hands, looking up to see Finn approaching with a look she had come to recognize. Concern. And determination. His eyes fell to her and his expression softened just a little. She offered him a small smile, hands reaching for his.

"I need to talk to her." He stated, leaning down to press his forehead against hers. He could feel her shake her head.

"I can't allow that, Finn. She needs..." There was an uncertain pause, "Rest." Lingering in the air between them was the shared worry that seemed to bind the rebels closer together - worry and concern over Leia's health. After everything...

"But, Rose..."

She lifted her palm to the side of his face, gently.

"I know you're worried about Rey but..." She drew a soft breath, catching his worried gaze with her own. "The best you can do...." She hesitated, "...Is make sure that he's safe."

Finn's brow furrowed as he let her words wash over him. Did she mean? Kylo Ren?

"Go. Go on..." She took his hand, lifting it to her lips and pressed a kiss to his knuckles, giving him a gentle squeeze before releasing her grip.

Finn sighed, resigned to the fact that he knew Rose would not let him or anyone else disturb the General. She did need to rest, he knew it. They all did. But equally worrying was the fact that she had eluded to his own thoughts. He gave her a small nod, taking his heavy thoughts with him as he made his way to the mess area. If he couldn't speak to Leia... He'd have to go directly to the source, he decided, pulling a tray from it's slot in the wall and began to rifle through the drawers in search of some ration packs.

~

Poe held the door open, the others filed out. He'd... He'd opted for first watch. He closed the door, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. Ben was bound. Restraints on his arms, his wrists. His ankles. Nowhere near enough restraints, if anyone were to have asked Poe. But they hadn't. There was an air of uncertainty amongst all of them. A shared nervous tension.

Kylo Ren... He looked miserable, dunked with the ice cold water. Dark hair falling forward, clumped together with the same water that now soaked his bed. There was nothing but the steady tap...tap...tap of the water dripping to the floor. Hardly imposing. Poe's teeth grit together, a battle waged within him. Here it was. The very chance for... Revenge. The word sounded sweet to his ears.

"Comfortable?" He ground out, hands curling into fists under his arms where he kept them crossed - hoping that the action might help to provide him with a little more restraint. It was so tempting. Everything that they'd been put through because of... Because of this one man! This boy! He was overcome with grief, the loss. All the dreams of the faces of those they'd lost. He pushed away from the wall, hesitant steps drawing closer to Kylo. Then away, restless pacing. The war was a violent one - a side of him wanting to give into the pain and anger. The other, trying to hold himself back - he was a child of the rebellion, Leia was.

He closed the distance between them. Kylo Ren had once been her son - undeserving of that incredible woman's love! Her forgiveness! After everything he took from her! From all of them! His hand fisted in Kylo's hair, wrenching his head back so he would have to meet his gaze.

"This is for the Resistance!" He growled, sinking his other fist into his gut. It wasn't enough! It could never be enough. His pulse was racing, eyes darkened, the ghosts of his past, the torment and the agony. He let himself go, awash with the nearly sadistic release of bestowing a fraction of his own pain onto the man before him. He had completely lost control, his anger and sorrow expressed with the ruthlessness of his fists, his shouts and grunts of exertion. He hadn't heard the door open.

"POE! STOP!" Finn's voice cut through the haze in his mind and he froze, his knuckles raw and bleeding. He turned, staring at his friend, his jaw slackening as he glanced back down to Kylo. He paled, suddenly sickened. He took a stumbling step away from Kylo, eyes wide. H-he hadn't... He didn't mean to... He pushed by Finn, scrambling his way out of the room, horrified by his own actions.

Finn watched him, a grimace on his features. He wanted to go after him, he did... He...He couldn't leave Kylo Ren to his own devices, either. Sighing heavily, shouldered the controls by the door, the lights brightening in the room slightly so he could better see...

"Damnit!" He groaned, approaching slowly, setting down the tray of food beside Ren's slumped form.

"H-hey! Ren?" He hated the feeling of trepidation crawling up his spine. Years of habit were hard to abandon. How many years had Kylo Ren been the face of his and every other stormtrooper's most feared nightmare? A man who could look into your mind by the force of his own will? He snapped his fingers by his head to see if he responded. He hoped desperately that he wouldn't need to be calling for a medic. Or having to administer medical attention himself - he remembered his encounter with Chewie. He wasn't sure of whom he was more frightened of losing their temper.

"You gotta tell me about Rey..." He pleaded, helping him into a more comfortable position - an awkward feat considering his arms bound behind his back. He lifted the cup of water to his lips.

"You have to help me so I can help her." He sounded desperate, his voice thick with the authenticity of genuine concern and... Fear.

~

Hssss…. sssssttt!

Drops of liquid dripped to the floor. Crimson beads heavier than rain splattered to the floor, fizzling and burning at tile and stone. She lifted her hands to her face, tears falling down her cheeks - scarlet streaks down her skin. She gasped, hands falling away as she braced herself, on her hands and knees she stared blearily into the puddle of blood before her. Her reflection appeared in it, a wretched creature, blood crusted hair hung in thick clumps around her face, a scarred moon in the darkness.

Empty sockets where her eyes ought to have been peered up at her - a scream sliced its way up her throat, a raw sound of anguish and horror split her dry lips, blood spilling from the opened wound. She scrambled back from the ruby hued mirror, her raw shoulders hit uneven stone, the shards of her ruined gown hung to her thin frame, marred with blood and dirt and grime. Figures moved in the darkness surrounding her, she realized the only dull light that offered any illumination to the room was coming... From her. She glanced down at her chest, her fragile heartbeat pulsed with light - the network of her veins black against the thin cage of her flesh and the glowing ember of her heart beneath it. She stared in puzzlement, her fingertips lifting slowing towards her chest when hands reached out of the darkness, fingers wrapping around her wrists.

"N-NO!" She howled, violently shaking and pulling away from the black grip that held her firm. She lashed out with her legs, kicking furiously to ward off her attacker but she felt more fingers lacing around her ankles holding them still. Another on her other wrist that had flailed uselessly against her attacker. Or… Attackers. Faces emerged from the darkness, startlingly close to her own. She shrieked in terror, Hux at her right with his face a contorted mask of rage and hatred. Eyes cold as ice, loathing curling his lip back in a snarl. Vysera at the left, her red lips curled into a grotesque grin, her pale grasp like the touch of the grave on her other wrist. She screamed her outrage, her fear - unable to move so she screamed, growling at them, teeth bared, thrashing her head from side to side. They eyed her with ravenous hunger - drawing closer, their breath on either side of her neck - she squeezed her eyes shut against the growing paranoia that they were moments away from sinking teeth into her with their fervent desire to consume her.

She felt the grip on her legs loosen, the darkness shifting as a third face pushed into the dim glow of her light. Her screams fell silent, lips slackening, parted as she stared up at him. His face painted with fear and suffering. He reached for her, his lips moving - her name a silent scream. She tried to reach for him, wrestling with the two beside her. She looked up - heads crowding above her, she thought she... Maybe she recognized them - the outline of Poe's curly hair... Finn? Rose? She begged for help, turning her eyes back to him.

"Ben!" She sobbed, chest heaving, the light growing brighter. Vys and Hux gripped her tighter, pulling her arms straight out to her sides as their faces grew closer to her own. Ben's tears flowed, he reached for her, his hand on the side of her face for a moment. She tried to nestle into him but it was only a fleeting second, his hand dropped away. He was saying something over and over like a fervent prayer. Her brow furrowed in question.

"I'm sorry." His voice sounded like it came from a great distance away.

"Ben?" Panic gripped tight at the base of her spine, putting a tremble in her voice, her lips quivering. His hand dropped to her chest, fingertips plunging through her flesh to the light pulsing just under her ribs. She screamed, head falling back and her eyes squeezed shut against the agony. She could feel the pull, the uncomfortably wet sound as hands sunk into her chest, lifting and tearing her heart free. 

She gasped, the hands on her wrists released her as they rose with Ben. Their faces illuminated by the flickering light, her blood like drops of molten metal falling onto her dress. They ignited - she was on fire! She was screaming, writing on the ground. But she felt... Cold. They did not look at her, any of them. The faces of her squad mates joining Ben and Hux. Vysera with them, the resistance crowding in behind her. Lil... The others... All reaching for that dying light, her heart beat slower and slower, held between Ben's hands, his face a shattered mess of utter torment and anguish.

Far below them on the ground she could feel herself being turned to ash - feet stepping upon her as if they could no longer see her. As her own fire was diminished, their features darkened, the room faded away along with her awareness...

~

Rey awoke with a sharp inhale of breath, it burned through her dry lips and her throat ached in protest. She coughed, eyes opening. She was laying on the floor of a cell. She moved her arm, preparing to push herself up when she realized that her wrists were shackled behind her. She grunted, rocking up into a seated position. A deed made harder from the fact she felt saturated from the cold sweat covering her body, her legs twisted in the ruined skirt of her dress.

She sat numbly for a moment, eyes already scanning the room, searching... How long had she been out? It didn't matter. She shuffled, shifting herself so she was on her knees. Her dress was.... She looked up, swallowing hard - eager to change her attention away from the memories of that disturbing nightmare. She didn't appear to be back on The Ordinance. Or any spacecraft at all, she noted as despair quickly followed the trails of her line of thought. She had no armor to dissect this time. A building wasn't likely to have a ducting system she could just climb through to escape. She felt trapped, genuinely, perhaps for the first time in a very long time. There were no other prisoners here, no guards... That, at least, was a comfort.

She tried to reach out to the Force. Tantalizing, knowing that it was there... In everything, in herself, in the bars of this prison cell. Nothing! She frowned, closing her eyes, trying to slow her panicked pulse, to slow her breathing down. Still nothing! With a frustrated sound, she pushed herself up to her feet, staggering back against the wall. She could feel her control fraying, her mind slipping into frantic desperation. She couldn't afford to waste time! She stumbled into the corner, bracing her shoulder against the unyielding wall. The fingers of her right hand wrapped around the thumb of her left. She drew several shallow, hurried breaths, pushing herself firmly against the wall until there was a dull ache of pain in her shoulder.

"Okay.... Rey... Just...." She gripped tight and with a violent movement, she heard an audible pop! She swallowed the scream of pain that clawed its way desperate to find life on her lips, instead it had faded to a keening wail. She gasped, her eyes instantly watering. She gasped, chest heaving for several moments as she groaned, shaking her head violently against the pain. Hissing, she pulled her hand, her dislocated thumb allowing her to slip her hand free of the cuffs. She leaned over her injured hand, swearing softly as she made herself stand up. Breathing heavily, she sat herself down on the narrow bed, arms tucked behind her back.

She could only wait and hope that a guard would come by... If they did, she might be able to lure them to the bars. She'd have to be quick and maneuver her arm just so - the cuffs were rigid after all but if she could get them through the bars and around a the trooper's neck... She could arm herself, then, if they didn't have keys she could blast her way out! Or if they came into the cell! She blew the breath she'd been holding in, out between her lips. She'd have to be ready for a fight.... She glowered down at the impractical skirts she still wore and found herself wishing for her old attire or even a flight suit.

"I'll come for you, Ben..." She whispered to herself, "You're not alone!" She hoped.... Somehow... That he could hear her, that he would feel her! That he knew she would be fighting her way to him no matter what! That was all that mattered. The regret and her foolish mistakes, all the rest... It didn't matter! At least, that is what she told herself, trying not to think of Hux's frame pinning her down, the roar that had stilled her... Well... If nothing else, at least she wasn't dead, yet.

~  
Ben’s eyes didn't move from the pilot in the doorway. He had grown stronger, broader, Ben was sure, since he had seen him. Ben couldn't quite manage to bring himself back to that place... just how it felt to break the dam of his aggression and let loose the waters of destruction on a man he knew shared nothing of his dark and isolated nature. Someone his mother surely had some care for in his absence. Someone who could hardly fight back. Had he changed so much since that moment as to struggle to even recognise the mask in his vision that stared back at him from the ice? To Poe, Ben was sure, that mask had never been removed. To Poe, Ben was still the monster he always was. Perhaps he was right. Had Rey’s love truly changed so much? Or was that simply what Ben wanted to believe?

"Comfortable?"

It was hardly a punchline. It was far too bitter.

Ben’s gaze followed his heavy boots, pacing along the floor. He knew Dameron had lingered for a reason. There was only one reason why he would stay. Ben drew his eyes away from him, shifting in the puddle of the bed, he thought his arms could drop off with the tension that bound them. There was no way for him to quite prepare for what he was sure they both knew was coming. Poe’s shadow was cast over Ben’s face, his fist in Ben’s hair. Ben stifled a sharp inhale of discomfort as he was pulled back by it and forced to meet Poe’s daring eyes. Ben knew his look. It surprised him: just how much venomous rage the pilot appeared to be repressing, the morbid shadows of his gaze.

Did Leia know about this? Did it matter? She might have willed it. Even after he had looked her in the eye, seen the depth of her emotions, felt her arms around him, he still couldn't grasp if she either despised him utterly or if a part of her loved him still.

Ben didn't blink as he noticed Poe drawing back his other fist. He just stared blankly, waiting for the strike. Even if his numb, straining limbs were loose, he wasn't sure if he would fight back. Like when Vysera had raised her talons to strike him, Ben was the perpetrator of Poe’s suffering and he knew well enough that he had earned what would come next and much more. Ben would far rather suffer from the pilot’s wrath than from Vysera’s cruel torments. Poe, serving under Leia on the path of the light, deserved his vengeance far more than Vysera did from her allegiance to the dark, besides.

‘This is for the Resistance!’

The first blow happened fast. A weight thrown hard against his rib cage. Ben couldn't suppress a gasp, the slam of his knuckles rippled up his body. The pilot had certainly learned how to throw a punch. Yet what followed was hardly the torture that Ben had inflicted on him. The punishment would never fit his crime, and Poe knew it as well as he did. It didn't stop his efforts.

He hit Ben again, having found a hunger that Ben recognised too often in himself. In another life... perhaps he could have been like Poe. Acting as a pilot for his mother...

The full power of his whole arm flew against Ben’s side, as if embodying the physical punishment for such a thought. Ben’s teeth clenched, he tried to tense before the next punch. It did little to stop its crashing impact. Poe had gained something of an irregular rhythm, grunting at the effort of his blows. Ben had been through much, but even he couldn't silence his groans as Poe propelled him upward, his other arm working incessant, pounding blows to his liver. There wasn't time to recover between the hits. Ben’s abdomen tightened. Breathing became a great difficulty. Poe wouldn't stop. He drew back again, this time aiming for the jaw. Ben only then allowed himself to close his eyes as the strike slammed on the side of his face. His heavy tongue met with a familiar metallic flavour...

"POE! STOP!"

Ben opened his eyes.

He was sure he knew that voice.

Sure enough, FN- no, Finn... wasn't it? That was surely the name they called him here. That night in the snow of starkiller base had never been clearer since Rey had turned his heart. Poe had let him go. He collapsed back on the mattress. The blood from his cracked lip was cooled in the puddle of water from before. Ben’s hair fell over his face, obscuring Finn and Dameron from his view for a moment of stillness. Perhaps it was best. He couldn't let the dark of of the past draw him in through his perception of their faces. His pain had once offered an old fuel from which he used to draw power from, like water from a well...

Ben heard Dameron’s steps stagger backward, before breaking into a run.

"Damnit!"

Ben’s ability to breathe hadn't quite returned. He made shuddering breaths as he felt the slow approach of Finn, he felt a tray be set down near him. Ben had to question why Finn had interrupted the pilot’s work. Shouldn't all of them hate him? A shock strung through him like a snapped string as he was transported to the time he had driven the edge of his blazing lightsaber against Finn’s shoulder. His back. Rey unconscious meters away while his cries of agony lit the entirety of the snowy landscape... and Ben had been satisfied. Satisfied by this man’s suffering. This man who had stopped a fellow comrade from making Ben himself suffer in return...

"H-hey! Ren?"

Ben heard the snap of his fingers. He winced, trying to raise his face in response, but his body refused him.

"You gotta tell me about Rey..."

Ben froze. His breath halted. He was back in the snow again. He was watching Finn cradle her face in his hands and the heat of his rage had risen at the sight of her faced being caressed by hands that weren't his own. He was being pulled upward again, but this time gently, just by his shoulders. Ben leant against the wall. He met Finn’s look. He was somehow youthful, like he hadn't aged at all since that very moment. Ben’s felt the sting of his lip with his tongue. He had grown as weak and soft and numb as his pillow.

"You have to help me so I can help her."

He meant it. Ben knew from that night, when he had screamed her name. When he had defended her. How differently Ben saw him! How strange that the one man he had once despised now shone as an embodiment hope. As if he had the tiniest bit of Rey stuck somewhere in him...

Ben took in a long breath, gathering himself and licking his lips. His throat was dry. Finn held out the water to him. As degrading as it felt, Ben nevertheless took a sip and was glad of it. He lifted his eyes back to Finn.

“Call me Ben...” Ben murmured. It was supposed to be louder, but his voice was only a hoarse whisper. “The name of Ren isn't mine anymore. It suits me as well as FN-2187 suits you.”

He was sure that he had already offended. Why couldn't he let go of the grief of his past. It wasn't the time to dwell. There was hardly any time at all!

“My name belongs to somebody else.” Ben explained breathlessly. He shifted but it did nothing to make him any more comfortable. “Somebody who wants Rey’s blood,“ Ben confessed with his aching jaw still tight. “if General Hux doesn't spill it first...”

Strands of his hair still dangled over his eyes, but he was sure he could sense a mirror to his deadening fear in Finn’s reaction.

“Her name is Vysera.” Ben’s struggling breaths quickened with his heartbeat- just by thinking about her wandering free while he was there restrained. “She’s powerful.” Ben warned darkly. “She's coming for my mother.” Ben lifted his eyes to the ceiling, as if it would help him float away from his dread at the idea. “she's coming for Rey, and Hux is currently keeping Rey a prisoner.”

There was a silence to let it sink in. How desperate it all seemed. Ben turned back to Finn. He searched his expression and tried to find the tiny piece of what he saw in Rey’s compassion that lay within Finn too. The fierce protection that Finn had offered her that night. Kylo might have hated him then. He might have once believed that he had stood between himself and his desires in Rey. Yet perhaps Ben was beginning to realise that he was not the barrier between them. Perhaps he was another way for them to connect... again...

“I haven't the right to ask, so that leaves me only the right to beg.” Ben’s voice had grown from a whisper to a normal volume, though his pitch was low, and as laden as he felt.

Was it too much? Ben didn't care. If this was his hope, he would hold onto it, no matter what was to be thrown in his direction.

“Save her.” Ben implored. “Please.”


	50. Chapter 50

A day after the ball on Vorkenna, and the First Order, for all its discipline and preparatory work in anticipation of such attacks, was yet to recover itself. Hux was the same. He was shattered. Sore. Exhausted. There were the losses to account for, though thankfully there weren't many. He hadn't been present to watch the mess of the glass being cleared. The building closed off. The evacuation back onto the Ordinance and into their masks... back where they all belonged.

All this time, he had been lead like a dog by a bone. He had been far too kind, and he had paid the price. He would never admit that he was lonely, but it was true. Even the warm climate of Vorkenna had grown somehow dreary, somehow cool. Reports to file. Finalising Capital arrangements. Their plans would not be altered by this unprecedented attack.

He had been deaf to her pleas. Had Kylo known it all along? Where was he at that very moment? Indulging in sentiment with his mother? Suffering some torture? And the girl... the scavenger girl all along...

She wouldn't leave his mind. He couldn't believe he had been fooled. Her strength when she had saved his life... She saved his life...

Hux gulped, his clothes somehow too tight. He couldn't dwell on the idea that he could have lost his life twice in succession the previous night. That there could still be dangers around corners. The tension passed, however, when he was back on the ship, in the seemingly impenetrable walls that he knew so well. Still, something had changed. With every step he took, eyes followed him, as if they waited for him to break into another speech. There were murmurings. The news of Ren’s disappearance had spread fast.

Hux had become the source. The only one to turn to. It hadn't quite settled in until...

He found the old throne room. Opened the door. It was completely empty. Kylo never spent his time here, despite it being tailored after the death of Snoke to his more melancholy palette. Where it was once a bright scarlet, Kylo had it like a darkened room. A single spotlight on the grandeur of the empty throne. Ren never liked just sitting there, out in the open, but Hux? Hux had dreams of sitting there. He stared at it, almost lost in the silence, almost believing that it was another one of his dreams.

Take your place.

A familiar voice spoke in his mind:

You've earned it.

Hux made a slow ascent towards the throne. There was no one to see, after all. Who was that voice in his mind? Was it merely his own distorted thoughts?

He sat upon its large, solid structure. The back of it towered over his head. His skin was glowing with the harsh white light cast down on him. He felt mighty. He was higher than anything else.

Well done, boy.

It was the word: “boy”, that one word “boy”, that Hux knew. Brendol Hux. Somehow still lingering in the back of his thoughts. Yet this time, he was not ridiculed or insulted or hit across the face. This time, he was congratulated. That he had stepped further than his father might ever have dreamed of. Hux’s fingers twitched as his heartbeat accelerated. He questioned his own sanity as he began to laugh quietly to himself. He hadn't laughed properly in many years. He hadn't even properly laughed in front of Jir- in front of the scavenger girl. The bloody scavenger girl! All ALONG! Hux’s laughter grew louder, more unbalanced with every passing second, like a musical composition spiralling out of control.

“LOOK AT ME!” Hux screamed into the empty abyss, leaning forward to gaze at nothing. It was an abyss like the eyes of Kylo Ren, like the abyss he saw when he had been knocked unconscious as a mere child, an abyss that Snoke had carried around him wherever he went. The darkness didn't respond. “CAN YOU SEE ME, NOW?!” Hux roared at no one in his newfound frenzy. Despite being supported by the throne, he was shaking head to toe. “I AM GREATNESS! I AM ORDER!” Hux shrieked. He was a child again: wild, reckless, ravenous, finally ready... he threw his fist into the air, and he knew it wouldn't fight back. “You are dead and GONE!” He concluded with a final declaration, before settling back into the chair. He closed his eyes.

There was only one thing that bothered him. That could possibly hold him back.

What to do with her? He was reluctant to spill her blood. He tried to convince himself that it wasn't out of empathy. He didn't care for her, the very thought of caring made him stone-cold all over again. No. He wouldn't fall for her trickery...

Yet, if she were willing... or even unwilling.

He could picture it: her choice between himself or death.

A playful smirk danced along his lips at the idea: she could be his. At his mercy, yet at his side. That she would bow to him. That she could worship him. Admire him. She had saved his life after all, surely she had some hidden desire to bend to his will...

Whatever the case, he would summon her and settle this matter shortly... just as soon as he could bring himself to leave that throne.

~ 

Now that they were alone, it was hard not to ignore the echoes of the past. Phasma had called him scum. His attempt to follow his heart, to do what he had thought was right had only won him the disdain of the General and the bitter sting of the back of his hand upon his face. 

And, Kylo Ren... Had screamed at him - branding him a traitor. He had felt the man's wrath, his beastly rage even while he bled from a wound he should not have been able to survive. He had rendered Rey unconscious and turned that ferocity upon him. He'd fought as hard as he could but he'd at last been overpowered. Yet for the brutality of the lightsaber's bite, the wound that had rendered him inoperable for quite some time... He could not bring himself to retaliate against the slumped form of Kylo Ren. He was yet to find the satisfaction in the taste of blood, fighting was a necessity. Not a source of pleasure. He hadn't wanted to kill for the First Order and he didn't necessarily want to kill for the Resistance, either - if not for the desire to keep his friends safe, he was sure he wouldn't have remained involved one way or the other.

Perhaps he was a coward. A traitor, just as Kylo had said.

But he saw none of that raging creature of darkness, the one that had heartlessly struck down his own father, before him now. It was unsettling, to see such a change. He tried to gauge the extent of the damage that Poe had been able to inflict upon him. He saw a subtle movement on the man's scarred face in response to his snapping fingers. A wince that was mirrored on Finn's own face. He could hardly blame Poe for his frustration, the tantalizing desire for revenge. Hadn't he indulged himself in it? Slamming the full weight of his weapon against Phasma's helmeted head with the savage desire to see her smug face knocked clear of her shoulders? So she could never do to another person what she had done to all those who fell under her iron fisted authority.

As he settled Kylo into an upright position, he told himself that there would be time to check in with Poe later. But how could he neglect one friend for the sake of another? He wanted to know that Poe was alright but at the same time, all he had to cling to with hope for Rey were mere questions. How could he spend precious moments deep in conversation with Poe when Rey could be in danger? He helped Kylo to drink, settling the cup back onto the tray, looking at him somewhat expectantly.

‘Call me Ben... The name of Ren isn't mine anymore. It suits me as well as FN-2187 suits you.’

Finn crossed his arms over his chest, settling his feet into a wide stance - a gesture intended to look intimidating but there was no threat in it. He was too taken aback by the words that left the raven haired man's lips. Disowning his own identity? He looked bewildered.

‘My name belongs to somebody else’

Finn watched him shifting, trying to make himself more comfortable. The struggle drove a thought through his head. He moved away, listening intently as he searched the room for something... Fingers smoothing over the ledge of the doorframe.

‘Somebody who wants Rey’s blood, if General Hux doesn't spill it first…’

Finn froze, fingers stilling over the cool metal object he was searching for - but it was the fear tightening in his gut that made his movements slow as he collected the key, turning to face Ben. He swore softly, his features hardening at the mention of the General. Nobody was allowed to spill Rey's blood! Not as long as he breathed! Rey was a great deal of things to many people. Hope, a savior... To him, she was his friend. Someone who had taught him what loyalty was, what a companion should be. All in her own unobtrusive way, simply by being.... Her. She was a gift. To everyone who was lucky enough to meet her.

A thought occurred to him. Had... Had she done this to him? Taken the visage of Kylo Ren away and left in its place... Leia's son? Is that what she had meant when she said she was with him? Had the warmth of her light finally broken through him? If anyone had the power to do so, Finn knew it would be her. A prospect that might have lifted his spirits were it not for the leaden warning shaped upon his lips.

‘Her name is Vysera. She’s powerful. She's coming for my mother. She's coming for Rey, and Hux is currently keeping Rey a prisoner.’

Finn could only stare. Another Ren? Someone who wished to harm the two people who were least deserving of it! And Hux! His lip curled into a snarl - would keep her trapped. Bait for a trap he did not know he was setting. Savagely, he delighted in the thought of this... This Vysera arriving where Hux kept his friend and whatever power she had would be directed against him. He hoped that he would be destroyed! And yet the thought of leaving Rey to her own devices to free herself while danger closed in... He swallowed hard, drawing closer to Ben.

‘I haven't the right to ask, so that leaves me only the right to beg.’

Finn blinked - it was all a little too surreal. The once terrifying and formidable Kylo Ren... Begging him, a defector of his mighty Order, for help. Were he a different sort of man, he might have felt the prickle of his pride growing, the swelling of his ego to hold now the upper hand against a man who ruled the galaxy. But he only felt miserable. For a man so powerful to be so low, even one that has been an enemy, it was frightening. He'd watched this man hurl the full weight of his rage at Luke's projection - it was such a... Such a drastically different image to what he saw before him now.

‘Save her. Please.’

Finn shook his head, closing the distance between them. His hands found Ben's shoulders, twisting him slightly to the side, his hands working the locks on the restraints, unclasping Ben from his bonds. He knelt down, hands hesitating over the lock on the bar that held his legs immobile. This was insanity, his mind tried to inform him. It could all be a trick! And yet...What purpose would such tricks serve? Aside, from his freedom, of course. Finn brushed the thoughts aside, freeing him of the last of his restraints.

No. Rey had told them how he had fought alongside her, saved her from Snoke... Ben... Ben felt something for her. Her name had been the last upon his lips as he'd slipped from consciousness. Whatever she was to him, Finn was certain that his desire to find her and save her was as genuine as his own.

"Together. If Vysera is coming for Rey... She's going to need more than just my help." He extended his hand, a gesture of a hastily forming alliance. He then shoved the tray closer to Ben, sitting down in the space he had just vacated, hands smoothing over the back of his head as he thought, his foot tapping nervously against the floor.

"Except..." He swallowed hard. Was he strong enough? Could he really save Rey on his own? "You said this Vysera was powerful..." There was a question he could not bring himself to speak. Was she powerful enough to cut through all their forces to get to Leia? If so, Leia could not be left unguarded. His heart ached with the sharpening reality of the situation. There was a choice to be made...

He lifted his dark eyes towards Ben. He would have to do it, he would have to be enough. They couldn't risk losing both Rey and Leia. Rey... Rey was strong, he told himself. Together, they would be enough. But Leia...

"Leia isn't... She's not..." He struggled with the words, pulling Ben into his arms in something of a brotherly embrace - admittedly, more for his own benefit, just as he had taken Rey's hand those years ago on Jakku. Yet, it was not news that anyone should hear unkindly. Perhaps it was Rey, or maybe Rose who had worn off on him, but either way - it was all he could offer to Ben in terms of comfort.

"She's not doing so well, Ben." He muttered, releasing Ben from his arms as he got to his feet, pacing restlessly as he mulled over the thin scrapings of a plan he had been trying to form. They felt too fluid, like water dripping from his cupped hands.

"Tell me everything." He pleaded - any details he might have about the prison where Rey was, what to expect if Vysera appeared? And Hux... His expression grew grim - he already knew what to do if he crossed paths with that flame-haired monster.

~

CS-9874 had stared on in horror, JF's form withering away before their very eyes. The squad had huddled around his form in the med bay, his eyes unseeing. Did he know she was there? Did he know that anyone had come to be with him as he passed on? The others clung to one another, some had shed tears. CS-9874 could only look on, hardening herself against the tears that begged to be freed from her pale lashes. She'd never lost one of her own before. And that... Vile thing... That Ren... She was to blame for this! Her teeth ground together, her hand reaching out to hold JF's fragile hand. For a moment, she thought his grip tightened on her own but... He had turned to dust, crumbling upon her hand. Her eyes widened, stumbling back. This was a nightmare! Surely it was all in her head! Someone screamed. Was it her or one of the others? She had scrambled free of their cluster of support, tearing from the room and hurdled herself down the hallways, narrowing dodging medical staff until her feet brought her to a stop outside, she leaned against the railing, gasping air into her lungs.

She sank to her knees, her usually pristine hair falling limply around her face as she allowed herself a handful of small, hiccupping sobs. Alone in a small halo of light, she gasped, struggling to gain control of herself. They were expendable, she told herself, nails digging harshly into the flesh above her elbows as she clutched her arms across herself in the effort to contain the bubbling well of emotions.

An explosion rocked through the night, she jerked her head up - staring at the silhouette of the capitol building. She stumbled to her feet, gawking at the shuddering form of the building - the ships suddenly appearing in the night sky… Everything.... Everything was changing and she was powerless against it - the rigid conformity to rules would not help her here. She gawked, lips hanging open. She knew she should... She took off running, her grief washed away momentarily by shock and a programmed sense of duty. She could deal with her own weakness later. But for now, she would do her duty. Evacuate her brothers and sisters in arms.

~

"I KNEW it!" She snarled, vindication at last! Word of the true identity of KR-0117 had begun to trickle through the lower ranks. Her eyes lit with savage satisfaction. She had known all along that there was something wrong with her! Her own honor and skill could no longer be questioned - KR-0117 was never one of them! An imposter! A filthy fake! A stain!

LK did not seem to share her enthusiasm, he looked... Miserable, in fact. She narrowed her eyes at him. "What? Don't tell me... You feel pity for her?" There was a rising pitch to her tone, challenging. He shook his head mutely.

"No, of course not." He said rather quickly, a little too defensively to be authentic. "Still, we don't know what punishment she shall receive." He added, crossing his arms. She wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"She's unworthy of your loyalty." She hissed, stalking away from him. She knew where she was going to be held. The prison was one of the locations she had visited on their excursion day - a mighty structure. She couldn't have guessed the first of their prisoners would be this burr in her side! She had not been taken back up to The Ordinance where much of their power had been transported. There was still time, she told herself. She made a fearful figure, still adorned in her finery from the evening before, blonde hair gleaming in the harsh glare of the sunlight. Her expression grim. Hungry.

What she intended to do... She hadn't the faintest notion. Too much weighed on her shoulders as she pushed through the mighty doors. Loss. Anger. The smarting sting of having been betrayed - made a fool of! This rotten wretch had played them all! She slid cool credits to the guards waiting outside of the door, met with the stiff nod of their helmets as they turned away. As far as they were concerned, she was never here.

She made her way down the stairs, down the empty corridor of empty cells, until she stopped before the one housing the object of her rage. Pitiful little thing, sat on the narrow bed, arms trapped behind her back. Surely no one would begrudge her. She lifted the passkey to the controls, a subtle click of the mechanisms as the door unlocked. No one would question her right to this... Justice.

Rey looked up, surprise on her features as she took in CS's form at the gate. Of all the people to come for her, she had hardly expected... She shifted, getting to her feet, hardly a vision as she had been the evening before - quite the contrary. CS slid the door open stepping inside, the door clanging shut loudly behind her as she stood regarding the brunette with disdain written on her features.

"How is JF-" Rey began to ask, she had not forgotten him - fearful of what Vysera had done to him. It had, apparently, been the wrong thing to say. CS's cheeks flushed scarlet with rage, shaking her head.

"NO! Y-you be SILENT!" She shouted, stalking over to her, hand fisting in her hair as she wrenched her head back with a surprising show of violence. "You're not worthy to speak his designation!" She hissed, eyes wild with fury. Rey swallowed hard, feeling very vulnerable. She fell silent, she had to remember her plan. She wished... Her expression mournful - she had hoped it wouldn't have been one of her own.

"All this time! You.... LYING BITCH!" The first blow caught her low in her gut. She wheezed, breath knocked from her lungs. It lowered her position, she spread her feet slightly to get into a more stable position as CS-9874's fist held her head still as she brought her fist down upon her. Rey felt her lip burst at the impact, flesh splitting between the force of her knuckles and her own teeth. She spat blood, head spinning with the force. She had to... Had to remember her plan! She brought her arms forward - something CS had not been expecting. She rammed her shoulder into the other woman's stomach, hands holding her steady as she rode her to the floor. She raised her elbow back, slamming it with all her might into the side of CS's head earning her a grunt of pain as she spilled back to the floor, winded as she blinked hazily up at the ceiling.

"S-stay down!" Rey whispered hoarsely, staggering to her feet, fists raised and ready. CS-9874's steely glare did nothing to make her believe that she would. "Please..." Rey begged - she didn't... CS-9874's leg kicked forward, viciously aiming for the side of her knee, she crumpled to the floor, a pained whine spilling from her as she scrambled away to avoid a second blow to her head. Her hand was caught in CS's, keeping her from getting far. She pulled her hand free with a desperate jerk of her arm - pain ricocheting up her arm from where CS's fingers strained to keep their grasp on her dislocated thumb.

"Never! REBEL SCUM!" CS-9874 was getting to her feet, advancing on her. There it was, that desperation. Hatred. She dropped low, avoiding CS' swinging fist, jamming her elbow into the blond woman's solar plexus. It was on. Brutality reigned as their fists met with the yielding flesh of one another. Softening bone and flesh with their blows. Bruises that would surface later as testament to their ferocity, scratches where fingernails dug in for purchase, struggling to gain the upper hand. Droplets of crimson spilling on the floor, their life's blood spent and wasted on the stonework beneath their feet.

Rey slipped in her dress, a violent shove from CS had sent her sprawling to the floor. She lifted her restraint to deflect the foot aiming for her face. A gesture that had rewarded her with a savage blow to her ribs. She felt something crack under the force. She curled away from the next blow, raising her arms above her head. They were chaos - a storm of blood curdling screams of anger and sobs of pain. They were too evenly matched, making a mess of previously pristine flesh as they fought. They were getting more brutal, messier with each attack - adrenaline fuelling them until it inevitably betrayed them, making their movements more desperate. Rey had gotten to her feet, managing to seize CS's wrist as she meant to follow up with a brutal uppercut, Rey used her momentum against her, drawing her downward, connecting her head with the edge of the sink fixture. CS's eyes fluttered closed for a moment, dazed.

Chest heaving, Rey let her collapse to the floor. She should have finished her. Instead, she fished for the keycard on her body. It had to be here somewhere! She begged the Force to guide her, show her. Her fingertips soiled the dark fabric with blood as she searched for the hidden fold in the thick fabric, a pocket... C'mon! She had not seen CS-9874's hand moving, hadn't seen her pull something from the hem of her long sleeve. It wasn't until pain exploded in her thigh that she... She stared down, a slender handled knife protruded from her leg. She screamed, jamming her other knee against her spine. She tried to keep her hands away from the weapon but CS ripped it out savagely. There was no end to this! Nothing.... Else... She could do...


	51. Chapter 51

Rey sobbed, apologising as she slipped the hard edge of her cuff under CS's neck. She gripped it in the crook of her other arm, holding tight - pulling her upwards against the point where she kept her knee in the middle of her back. Hot tears mingled with blood on her cheeks as she squeezed tighter and tighter. The taste of bitter metal and salt on her broken lips. CS-9874 railed against her, knife slashing at the one leg Rey used to brace herself with, sharp blade cutting away her skirts to useless ribbons, parting flesh and spilling her blood.

"Just... St-stop! Please!" Rey begged. She didn't want to kill her. Yet if she tried to surrender, she knew. She could feel CS-9874's intent. She would not be satisfied until Rey’s heart stilled in her chest. She was determined to live. She had promised Ben! She would find him. Another vicious, wild swing of her hand had left her knife buried in the flesh of Rey's calf but she lacked the strength to pull it free, her vision darkening as she gasped for air - the metal of Rey's cuffs cutting into her throat, restricting the air. She clawed at the ground - she would not stop! This scum had to PAY! She had to.... she....

CS's body went limp. The sudden loss of resistance sent Rey stumbling forward, bracing herself on her hands and knees while she sucked in great shuddering breaths. She couldn't bear to bring herself to check for a pulse. She plunged shaking fingers into her pocket, pulling free the keycard before directing her attention to her wounded leg. How long did she have? Before the others found her? She hadn't noticed cameras posted everywhere as they had been on the Ordinance. A glaring oversight on their behalf. She sucked in a deep breath, pulling the knife free. She'd need it... She slashed at her skirts until she was free of their debilitating grasp, the hem raggedly falling to her knees as she quickly made bandages for the deeper wounds CS had made - her leg looked as though it had been mauled by a wild beast.

It didn't matter. She pushed herself up to her feet, feeling dazed as she stumbled towards the door - she swiped the keycard, rolling the door open. The keycard fell from her trembling fingertips - her fingers curled loosely along the hilt of the knife, the blade running parallel with her forearm as she held it before her. She tried to run, the pace more of an awkward, limping shuffle as she made her way down the corridor - she half crawled up the stairs. She paused at the door. There would surely be guards, she told herself. How many? She didn't know. She couldn't even begin to guess. She tried to psych herself up, a difficult feat considering the pain that seemed to envelop every part of her body. She swallowed hard, nodding to herself as she shouldered open the door.

She made two guards the entry - three more by the far gate. Another two at the desk. She did her best to run - she was in no condition to fight, particularly not a whole squadron. She made it halfway to the front doors before her form was sent crashing to the floor as they tackled her. She tried to fend them off, knife sinking into the boot of one trooper before she found her hand crushed beneath another boot, her grip on the knife failed and she screamed in pain. Just when she had been prepared for the worst - what she was sure was to be a flurry of kicks to her prone form, the door was pulled open. She could only see the silhouette of a pair of black boots. Her vision blurry as she stared at them, blood dripping from her lips.

Ben?

A small smile formed on her lips as her battered fingers reached for the wavering vision before her. Delirious with the blunt force trauma she had endured.

Captain Opan looked down at her with disgust.

"I demand a report!" He bellowed, hands clasped behind his back, his posture rigid perfection as he glowered down at the prisoner's battered form. His words seemed to prompt something of a panicked response - two guards peeling off to return to the cells while the others struggled to formulate an explanation - everything had happened so suddenly.

Medics had been called for and the Captain waited impatiently as CS-9874's form was collected from the cells, her condition was.... Beyond critical. The med-droids did not seem particularly hopeful for her recovery. He lifted his hand in dismissal as they began to recite odds.

"Get this one stable for transport." He gestured to Rey's still form still splayed on the ground. Once she was deemed fit to be moved, they reestablished the bonds on her wrists, strapping her down to the stretcher, taking her to the shuttle awaiting to take them back to The Ordinance. What a stupid creature, the Captain mused, his nose wrinkling in disdain. He did not think he'd ever seen such a disgraceful being. Even without consciousness, she appeared more a wild beast than a human. A chaotic, dangerous thing. Surely, The General would not allow this threat to persist. He would administer swift justice and they could all put this embarrassment behind them…

~

Ben flinched as Finn turned him gently, unable to hide his surprise at him making contact. Ben inhaled, his eyes shut as he it wasn't entirely clear to him what would happen next. What if he had angered Finn if he thought that Ben’s love for Rey had been fabricated as some kind of plot to deceive him? Ben was a murderer, so surely a liar was hardly a stretch. Yet Ben had always found lying difficult, even at his darkest. It was better to be silent. To show no cards at all rather than playing a game that he knew he wouldn't win if he had secrets to keep. Finn’s intervention surely wasn't out of empathy. Certainly it was to protect Dameron. To prevent Ben gaining power through his rage, perhaps? The salt of Ben’s blood still stung on his lip and the back of his throat. His every inhalation was accompanied with a feeling much like a heavy weight sinking further into his insides. If Finn attacked him in Poe’s place with a similar ferocity and power, Ben wasn't sure how long he would be able to endure it. It was as these questions of dread raced through his thoughts that he heard the click of the restraints on his arms. They fell open.

Ben’s shoulders caved forward, a piercing ache splitting along his bones as a sound was released from his lips between grateful sigh and a gasp of shock. He was... Finn was really doing this? Had Ben’s words truly moved him so much? Everything Ben had said was true, but he was so certain that the truth wouldn't be enough. He had no defence, no excuse, no available apology for the destruction he had brought to the galaxy. The pain and terror that he had brought to this man. Ben’s only, solitary defence was that he was dearly, truly, powerfully, utterly devoted to Rey. Even then, where was his proof if others couldn't read his heart? Ben could barely raise his own arms as they had grown numb. He stabilised himself as best he could, his lips still hung open from his surprise at Finn’s eager actions.

Finn knelt down, and Ben felt his legs come free too. He took only a small moment to shakily relish the liberation of his heavy limbs. There were far more important matters to attend to.

‘Together. If Vysera is coming for Rey... She's going to need more than just my help.’

Something near to Ben’s heart swelled as his guilt mingled with a flood of newfound hope he believed he would never be granted. How could Finn be so quick to treat Ben with kindness after what he had done and who he was? How could he be so trusting and so brave? Ben understood. It hardly took a genius to understand why Rey had made such a strong bond with him. There was no question that they were similar: full of optimism and kindness, mixed with that fiery willpower. 

That part of Finn that reminded Ben of her was shining so brightly that Ben could almost make himself believe that Rey had reached them, that she was somehow present, somehow with them in this moment. Finn reached out his hand for Ben to shake. Ben did so swiftly, biting down to suppress a small hiss as he realised what an effort it was to simply raise his hand. The brief moment of levity passed and left tension in its wake. Despite being released from his bonds, Ben still felt as if he were tied in knots. What was to be done? Finn was tapping his foot on the floor, clearly experiencing something of a similar thought pattern.

‘Except...You said this Vysera was powerful…’

Ben felt the weight of Finn’s soft eyes resting on him. He was already being pulled away, just by her name, to a place he couldn't escape. Ben could still feel her icy skin, still feel her breath near his neck. He raised a hand to his throbbing ribs. Priorities, he reminded himself. Surely he and Finn wouldn't have too much longer to establish a plan.

‘Leia isn't... She's not…’

Ben looked at him in question. He hadn't seen the extents of the anxiety behind Finn’s expression. Ben’s heart leapt to his throat. She wasn't... what?! He felt what he knew to be grief, yet it was more raw than ever as it hit him just how many years had been lost between them. Just how long he had been separated from her, how much time he had tried again and again to train himself to hate her, only to consistently fail. Only to realise with even further conviction the depths of his love for her. His only family that was left... excepting Rey. Ben’s lips parted again as he tried to form a response, but he didn't need to. Like Finn’s act of kindness in releasing him, it took Ben some seconds longer than he should have to realise that Finn had thrown his arms around him.

‘She's not doing so well, Ben.’

If Ben felt numb before, he now felt like he was made entirely out of air. Heavier than ever and yet... completely weightless. He slowly responded to Finn’s embrace, unable to hide his further surprise that could be read in his hesitation. His surprise didn't matter, nor did the identity of this man. His love for Leia was the same, as a son might have been, and Ben ached from not only his own burden, but the burden of what was known perhaps to many that he should have considered his sisters and brothers in another time, another life.

With all the years that had passed, Ben hadn't quite comprehend how... how old his mother must be. She had always seemed unstoppable: a towering wall of unbreakable stone. Ben had even envied something of how easy she made endurance look. Yet he also knew very well that she was human. That for him, she shared the bond of blood that Ben had mercilessly violated. That she had held his favourite childhood toy rather than a blaster in her hand in his childhood. That to him, she had delivered loving whispers, not stirring speeches or even a single harsh word that he could bring to mind. At least... this was all before Ben had been turned.

‘Tell me everything.’ Finn implored, after having drawn away.

Ben lowered his gaze, as if even his line of sight was pulled to the ground by guilt and despair he had no desire to explore again. Still, Finn had trusted him enough to treat him not only as a man, but as a brother in a matter of minutes. Did Ben not owe him the same and much, much more? It was a debt that could not be paid, but it wouldn't stop his will to learn how to trust once more as Rey had started to teach him.

The words were hard to pull from his lips, like forcing buried nails from brick. Ben still tried to explain; just who Vysera was, how she had been by his side once but had fled, after staining her hands and her soul forever with the blood of their comrades, to the outer reaches, where she had been hardened and sharpened like a blade in a forge to be guiltless, cold and more powerful than even him; able to sense himself and Rey in the force, to know their thoughts and dreams and to be able to walk along the realms of reality, illusion and the willpower of others with startling ease, using them as vessels as she seemed to have done with the trooper she had entered with. Using them, to get what she wanted... which Ben couldn't bring himself to describe even to Finn’s trusting ear precisely that what she wanted was Ben’s suffering. All that he need know was that Ben’s suffering meant his own.

His mind wandered to Hux, and as his internal thoughts did so, so did his tongue. He thought of his wide, burning eyes, though he daren't describe as much. Finn needed the necessities. Ben told him what he knew, and he realised how quickly the sides of war had evaporated into pointless emptiness. That all the suffering had been for nothing. That there was no cause to win except not to be broken. He had just revealed exactly what the layout of a first order prison would involve and what the layout of the plans had been, assuming that they were back on the Ordinance. Would Hux know from Rey what was written in Ben’s heart and mind? Surely, even after his supposed affections, he would not hesitate to torture her. To murder her even. A horrific vision: Hux onlooking with a grimace of gory delight while Rey would convulse and scream and writhe as she had done for Snoke once while Ben had never struggled so much in that moment as to seal his lips and keep himself chained to false obedience. Ben needn't explain as much. Finn knew about Hux’s intent already.

What for them to do? Ben had known Finn’s earlier unspoken question. Both Rey and Leia needed protection, yet what would happen if Finn were to set free Ben? If the resistance discovered the truth, they would turn on him Ben was sure and believe him the traitor with as much conviction and immeasurable rage as Ben himself had done that night in the snow. Unless... perhaps Ben could present himself as a villain for Finn’s sake- to escape after crafting a situation where Finn had bravely fought him, and lost. Ben was not about to even consider wounding him. Perhaps he could force him into a sleep as Leia had done?

Whatever the case, Ben knew he had to be the one to find Vys and to stop her. Vys was his monstrous creation, like everything else that had thrown the galaxy into oppression, loss and hatred, and Ben might only absolve his sins if he were to stop an even greater power with what he had left of his own.

“Rey is alone.” Ben said aloud. “My mother has you and the resistance.” He fixed Finn with the darkness of his look, though he didn't want to appear to possess any of the intimidation he once aspired to present with ever move, he was, simultaneously placing what had survived from his memories as an innocent child, even through his evil, in Finn’s hands. “Now you believe me.” Ben pointed out. “And my mother knows you to be the good man that I am not.” he didn't continue. Finn knew what his argument was. If Finn could appeal to her...

Ben would have suggested talking to her himself, but he was unsure of how she would interpret his warning and plea for freedom.

“I have to find Vysera.” Ben concluded. “I have to find her, and I have to find Rey and help her before Hux can strip away what's left of my authority and the Order’s loyalty to me.”

Perhaps it was already too late to rectify such a thing…

~

Hux was already spending significant time on that throne. Such news had spread quickly. Yet Hux would not be a leader as Kylo Ren or even Snoke had been. He was not a man of magic and mystery. He was a man of science, war and strategy. He considered the title of Emperor as opposed to Supreme Leader to make such a distinction. He had spoken the words: “Supreme Leader” far too many times, and far too many of these times had been laced with disgust. Perhaps it would help to draw a line in the sand over what the Order had been so far.

He had brightened the light of the throne room to further such an idea, -driving out the darkness of the past and turning each thing which he saw clean and cold and purified as a medical table. The wonders he could finally accomplish! All the dirt, all the traces of filthy shadow that he would drive out to reveal the beauty of entirely new world, caught in the necessary blazing fire of justice that he had witnessed destroy the Hosnian system that fateful day. Exactly what the Order was supposed to be: a swift and mighty tool, to carve out the stars into a vision of perfection.

The thrill of the possibilities of ultimate power had softened in him since he had called out into that abyss. The expression of his rage would not halt the flow of progress, nor drive him to insanity when he needed it most. He would not undo his intricate work to be a mind so weak as to succumb to the voices that had taunted him for so long.

One of them was new and visceral. It was especially distracting- because it was her voice, and her voice was not taunting, but kind. He had almost given into her witchcraft. He had come so close to... caring. She had come closer than anyone in Hux’s history, because she was the only one for a moment, however brief, seemed to give a damn about his struggle. She had saved his life...

He owed her that much, perhaps. He would keep her breathing, he decided, though he had had enough experience with force users to know that they could so quickly become difficulties; strong willed and stubborn. He could use her strength if she was willing to give it, but only if he could keep her subdued... in his debt, perhaps.

Opan had been sent to seek her out. Hux somewhat restlessly awaited his return. The Captain was not a man to waste time, though it felt as if he had been gone an hour too long. Hux had meanwhile been crafting new decrees, new plans to wipe away the sentimentality that Ren had put in place. His work was finally paused when Opan entered, his face as grim and foreboding as always.

“The girl made an attack on Squadron Leader CS-9874. CS-9874 is now in critical condition but we still have the prisoner detained and she is being transported as we speak.”

Hux let out a sound between a huff and a low chuckle. Of course she had caused trouble at the first opportunity. He had expected nothing less, wild girl that she truly was. They all referred to her as a girl still, because she had youth enough in her to act like one, he believed. If she were to be an aid to Hux, that would be the very first thing he would pull out of her.

“Have the girl brought to me, here.” Hux ordered him.

He wanted to see her reaction to him being in this throne room. He wanted to tempt her, with all the power and might that he now possessed. Opan’s brows furrowed in question and concern. Hux would have no questioning... he was tired enough already from all that he had endured on Vorkenna.

“Sir-“ Opan began in protest.

“-Emperor.” Hux corrected sharply. “Now bring her here this instant, and make sure she's restrained. We don't want any more incidents on the way.”

The Captain’s mouth was still open, but he closed it shortly after. He knew better, Hux was sure. Hux had played this game for too long to let those who questioned him go without consequence as Ren had often done.

Opan vanished from the room, and Hux reclined once more in the thrown like a lounging cat. He was still in the uniform of a General after he had changed and washed away the blood of Vorkenna. That would soon change, he promised himself,- remembering just how grand he had felt in the earlier stages of the ball, adorned with a cape and crown.


	52. Chapter 52

It was not so hard to understand why he was so shocked. Truthfully, so was Finn. This... Whether he was 'Ben' now or not, a change of name could not remove the weight of his deeds. The longer he thought about it, the more tempting it was to give into despair. Finn knew that he hadn't been brought here simply for a reunion. The others would demand justice. In one way or another. Leaving him here... It wasn't going to be an option. If Poe didn't return, someone else likely would. It was far too easy to blame every black deed of the First Order on its figurehead. Too tempting to exact petty revenge on him now that he did not face them with his lightsaber blazing.

 

His struggle, his relief of being freed from the restraints was not missed by Finn's eyes. He winced, in sympathetic pain. Did he need medical attention? Just... How much damage had Poe done? He swallowed hard, selfishly prompting him for more information. Anything he could use. He had to believe that Ben was strong enough to endure Poe's ire. He'd seen first hand what he was capable of withstanding on Starkiller Base. Though, everyone had a breaking point. He glanced at Ben, reading the signs of fatigue in the lines of his face. He looked away, eyes closing for a moment. When all of this was done, he could only hope that there would be forgiveness for all of them. For his own selfish need, spending this man's vitality for the sake of his friend.

 

He had pulled him into the embrace. Whatever the wrongs between them... Leia was still his mother and... While he couldn't tell him the specifics because he didn't know, he knew those same lines of exhaustion, a lifetime's worth of suffering in her eyes. Eyes just like her son's. Far too young to carry those burdens. He had gotten to his feet, trying to focus. A plan! They needed a plan. Maybe he could go talk to Rose... Leia... Appeal to them - they had a way about them that could get through to the others, he was certain. Thoughts cut mercilessly short as Ben began to explain Vysera in greater detail. He was afraid. Not uncommon, he realized, a lot of his life he'd been afraid but this was different. Finn speculated that he would much rather die by blaster fire than by Vysera's sadistic hand. He looked at Ben, a frown on his lips.

 

His words had flowed towards the First Order. The capital... And more daunting... The Ordinance. He tapped his leg nervously. Oh, he did not like the sound of that! Infiltrating what was... Essentially a floating city? It seemed impossible. He had done it once before, of course... But he had no master code breaker now. And no simple X-Wing was going to breach those defenses. He was determined not to lose hope. Rey wouldn't give up on him... He couldn't give up on her now.

 

_ ‘Rey is alone. My mother has you and the resistance.’ _

 

Finn lifted his eyes towards Ben. It seemed the former terror of the First Order had a plan of his own making. His brow furrowed at the wording - did he mean...

 

_ ‘Now you believe me. And my mother knows you to be the good man that I am not.’ _

 

"Wait, Ben..." He wasn't sure what he was protesting but it didn't sit right. His gut churned. Staying put wasn't his strong point. He had a history of tearing off recklessly. He wasn't a diplomat... He swallowed hard, trying to settle his own misgivings. It was...

 

_ ‘I have to find Vysera. I have to find her, and I have to find Rey and help her before Hux can strip away what's left of my authority and the Order’s loyalty to me.’ _

 

It was the painful truth. He nodded, slowly at first and then with greater certainty. He crossed over to Ben, offering his arm to help him stand while his hand slipped to the blaster hanging on his belt. He unhooked it, thumb swiping over the modes of fire.

 

"On stun, Ben." He pressed it into his palm, drawing a deep breath. He quickly gave him the rundown, describing the path he could take to their modest airstrip without being seen, or less likely to be seen. He paused, gripping Ben's forearm, his features painted with concern. Could this one man…? He drew a deep breath.

 

"Be careful. Save her. And..." He let go of him reluctantly. "Come back. She misses you." He gave a final nod.

 

"I'll do what I can from here." He added, in what he hoped would be a reassuring manner.

 

~

 

When Rey awakened, she was strapped down to a stretcher, she strained against the tight straps across her chest, her legs - much to the disgust of the security detail, she let loose a slew of filthy words, the worst she could think of from her days running between the knees of the more hardened scavengers on Jakku. She demanded to be released, first calmly with assertion but when the mind tricks failed - she screamed her frustration, successfully managing to flip the stretcher to the floor. The guards allowed her to lay there for a good solid minute or two with her shoulder wedged painfully under her.

 

In spite of all she had endured... She felt... Marvelous. Pain should have been etched into every muscle. They hoisted her back up, rather harshly as she continue to hurl insults and demands - she seemed to have lost her shame. A barbaric facade - she was aware that they were on a ship. The hum of the engines was unmistakable. They were heading, she could only assume, back to the Ordinance. She had no desire to return there - not while Ben was still in the wind. Her hope of being able to get to Keshnar before the Resistance might move on was getting slimmer with each passing second. Did they have a base there? Or just a staging camp? She had no way of knowing, the communicator lost to the waves of the ocean on the planet she could no longer see out of the port windows.

 

"You're just making it worse for yourself." She recognized that voice. There was something, almost pleading in that tone. She shifted, the restraints cutting against her skin as she craned her head back - blank helmets. Faceless. Only this time, she was not amongst them. Never could be again. She swallowed hard.

 

"LK?" She queried, already knowing it was him. He gave a small nod. She chewed her lip, falling silent for a moment, brown eyes roaming over her own frame. Her body still wore the marks of... "Is she... Did...?"

 

"SILENCE!" One of the troopers treated her cheek to the butt of his rifle. She spat blood over the edge of the stretcher onto the smooth floor. Still, she had no desire to have her teeth join her blood on the floor, she fell silent, finally leaning back on the stretcher. LK's hand brushed hers gently as he passed by, shouldering his way through the knot of other guards.

 

~

 

They trembled, shaking like leaves clinging to a dying tree in a violent breeze. Their fear fed her. Vysera's head craned down at her prisoners. Cattle, dressed in finery from the evening before. She wrinkled her nose in disgust. Their fear may have empowered her in a sense but it did not make them any less pathetic.

 

"Don't worry. They'll miss you, eventually. YP-3814... HW-6934.... DA-0249..." She trailed sharp fingernails over their shoulders... The others, she hadn't even bothered to learn their designations. The First Order didn't care enough to give them a proper name, why should she bother to learn the name of those who would be dead in a matter of moments?

 

"But by the time they do..." She sunk down before them, taking one tremble girl's hands in her own, pressing her lips to the back of her knuckles, smoothing her cheek over the back of her hand. She could feel the girl's disgust and horror. "It will be too late. You will have given your lives for something far greater than you could possibly understand." She released her hand, getting to her feet as she circled them.

 

"You should be proud!" She screamed, her voice like a glacier shattering. She took her mask off - they stilled entirely. Her lips curved into a smooth smile, hands freeing her daggers as she advanced on them slowly.

 

~

 

The Ordinance. It felt cold, unwelcoming as ever but now it had the feel of a tomb. A mausoleum swallowing them whole in its giant maw. She swallowed hard, they released her from the stretcher and she immediately lashed out, trying to break free but it was a pointless gesture. She was quickly subdued - on her knees, head wreathed in a halo of blaster muzzles by the time Captain Opan had returned to them.

 

"To the throne room." The Captain bit, staring down at her with disdain written on his stern features.

 

"Restraints on." He leaned down, inches from Rey's face, her teeth bared at him as she jerked against the grips on her shoulders. "We don't want any more incidents. Do we?" She pushed her blood stained saliva through her teeth, eyes narrowing with feral delight at the open disgust on his face as he pulled away, taken aback by her absolute barbarism.

 

The journey to the throne room was a relatively without incident, after all. Her thoughts growing darker, her emotions heavier as they approached. The throne room. She'd never been there while Ben had been the one to occupy the throne - the Supreme Leader. She hadn't wanted to see him there, truthfully. It wasn't a burden he should ever have had to have. She wanted to see Hux there, even less. Her stomach twisted in knots, a chill settling over her flesh, the fine hairs on her arms standing on end.

 

The doors whisked open and she squinted at the change in lighting as she was pushed forward into the room. The same gleaming perfection of the presentation theater.... The lights, a great deal brighter than the sleek dark gleaming magnificence of the rest of The Ordinance. Instead of being shamed, instead of being humbled by it as she had been before when she'd been protected by the husk of armor, the shell of KR-0117 - she felt.... Angry? Fear, licked at the back of her neck, she shuddered as she looked around the room - eyes falling finally to Hux who had made himself perfectly at home on his stolen throne. He could not be allowed to sit there long.

 

She stepped slowly, dragging her slippered feet across the floor almost deliberately, as if she was determined to leave her mark here - a small act of defiance. The guards stopped, releasing their grip from her roughly, her last step was a stumbled attempt to remain on her feet. It was all too tempting to try to peel off - make a run for it. Pointless. Still, it called to her. She pressed her teeth together, trying to make her face blank - staring at a point somewhere above the General's shoulder - a black figure in the gleaming lightness of the room. Yet it was not warm, like the sun... It was cold. Sterile.

 

"The prisoner, Emperor." The guards saluted him.

 

Emperor? She couldn't help herself, the smallest of snorts breaking her otherwise passive demeanor. Not because it wasn't believable. It was. Hux was more than capable of the position - his mind was well suited to it were it not for his utter heartlessness. Yet that was not what had earned her scorn. Simply because it didn't seem to have taken him long to seize what he felt was undisputed. Ben. Wasn't. Dead. She could feel him, still - like a faint fluttering pulse. He must have been very far away. A thought she decided not to let dishearten herself. Instead, she squared her shoulders. If she didn't get to Ben, she had no doubts he would come back. And if he wanted to break Hux and anything else that stood in his way... She didn't think she would try to hold him back - if it was destruction.... Death... That he wanted? Her pulse beat like a war drum. She would join him, taste their blood on her lips.

 

She leaned to the side, lips parting just slightly, enough to let the blood drip from the latest injury she'd earned for her defiance and splatter on the ground as she lifted her gaze to meet his. He had hurt her. Twice, now... Pushing her, testing her faith in humanity. He was forcing her to question the foundations upon which she had built herself. Her eyes narrowed slightly as she flexed her arms against the restraints - covered in grime, bruises... the scratches of Vys's grip and CS-9874 marking them, still strong, nevertheless, her muscles defined as she curled her fingers into tight fists. She straightened, uncaring of the blood that still dribbled slowly down her chin, now tilted upwards in a silent challenge.

 

~

 

He had never been given the chance to see her true form. He was sure that he had understood something of her genuine behaviour, that he had a grasp on who she was, even behind the false identity. Yet now he knew how wrong he had been. No, this... this wild, bloodied girl held in restraints was her true self, her outer casing peeled away to reveal her raw, feral centre. How it excited him! It was as if her energy were catching. Her power and her confidence was especially alluring. Hux did not sense her fear. Yet even from a distance, he could see something of her anger in her crumpled brow. She was a sight he could be transfixed with for many months. A scavenger girl from the Jakku desert, a rash warrior, strong enough to bring Kylo Ren to his knees on more than one occasion, and to aid in dispatching Snoke, yet she was brought before him in restraints, bleeding, sliced open, purple and blue flowers of bruises that he could see on her skin even from many meters away. What a splash of colour she presented in what he had intended to be spotless...

 

_ "The prisoner, Emperor. _ " The guards announced.

 

From the beginning, there was her insolence. She was a stain, a warm, beating heart in this empty room. He had noticed her dragging her feet, the smallest traces of dirt left behind her. Adding insult to injury, she opened her lips and a trickle of blood ran along her chin before marking the white of the floor with a drop of filthy red. Hux stared, his nostrils flared at the sight. He knew she would try to provoke him, but he was also so aware of how much she could accomplish. What a colossal waste for her to be so misguided by the sickening ideology of the foolhardy resistance! Unless Hux could persuade her... unless he could show her more.

 

Hux didn't doubt her. He didn't doubt her strength. He no longer knew her as his soldier. She was so much more, and had been, all along.

 

Knowing she would hardly come closer willingly, Hux lifted himself from the throne, taking his time with each echoing step to reach her. She was even more equisitely damaged up close. How could he be so disgusted by her and yet so drawn in by her at the same time? Was this her spell at work again, the little siren that she was? Hux wouldn't fall for it this time. If he was forced to kill her, then he would. Still, she had saved him, and... there was another way. A far better way. He looked around him at the height of the ceiling and the stretching walls before setting his gaze back on her. He licked his lips. He would remember this moment, -whatever the results might be. He was only a meter away from her fiercely seductive hazel eyes, so changed from when she had begged for him not to arrest her at the ball. Hux remembered her wide-eyed innocence. He smirked at the thought, at what he had learned of her since then.

 

“Magnificent, isn't it?” He addressed, gesturing to the rest of the room.

 

His smirk hadn't faded as he began to pace around her, as if he were about to devour her savagery and posess it himself. She was a living paradox; so vulnerable, so small, yet... more vicious and stronger than a wild beast. A beast... that Hux believed he might be able to tame.

 

“At Vorkenna,” he continued calmly, almost wistfully, “you were so amazed by every tiny detail. Every piece of finery.”

 

He came from around her shoulders to face her once more, his steps grounding to a halt as he raised his own chin to mirror the tilt of her head.

 

“It could all be yours, you know.” Hux offered in a cool murmur.

 

He tried to read her stony expression. Did she even understand? Did she know her own place and power? How Hux wished to touch her... to touch her face... the tatters of her ruined pale dress were stained with blood. It might have been hers. It might have been the blood of her old squadron leader. It didn't matter. Hux raised his gloved fingertips towards her cheek before lowering them again. Curse his attraction to her kind trickery! He would not submit to... to whatever it was that stung him. He would not listen to what pained him deep inside.

 

“You have the potential for so much more than you could possibly imagine.” Hux mused to her, before turning away, taking some steps back towards the throne so her decision would not be influenced by his stare.

 

It was true. She was more powerful perhaps than Ren, more beautiful than anyone Hux had laid eyes on. More resourceful than the majority of military men that Hux had encountered. What possibilities awaited her, if she would only join his side! If he could only control her temper so that she wouldn't be as Ren had been. Damn the irrational tempers of force users.

 

“I'm going to give you a choice and I want you to...” He was sure he could already feel her defiance, but he would persist nonetheless.

 

She would be built by him or broken, with no other compromise.

 

“Think hard before you answer.” Hux finally stated, emphasising every word to her. “You saved my life. Twice in the same night.” He turned to face her again. He wanted to show her that it meant something. Even if he had to break her down, he wouldn't forget that she had saved him. “I could be in need of such protection again.” Hux admitted. He took in a breath, straightening his posture. “Your position is simple.” Hux told her. “Either I will claim you, or death will.”


	53. Chapter 53

She watched his reaction, her blood staining his pristine floors... It was such sick satisfaction to see him so visibly insulted. What was happening to her? Had her time within the First Order truly changed her so much? She'd never... Been this cruel on Jakku, not that she could remember, at least. Hux raised himself from the throne, the corner of her lips twitched - whether to be a smirk or a snarl, she wasn't sure. Her eyes blazed, narrowing dangerously as he made his slow approach. Measured steps, she was sure were meant to be intimidating. Her heart felt far too large for her chest, it clamored against her raising temper, a desperate warning she paid no heed to. His... His audacity to sit there! To claim the title of Emperor! What small part of her that had adapted for KR-0117's mind set was furious - Ben hadn't been gone for even a week and Hux was desperately grabbing for his seconds. And so many fools were simply following along! Where was their honor? Their loyalty?!

 

She flexed her fingers, hanging her hands before her, willing her face back into an expression of neutrality as he drew near. What she wouldn't have given to have her old staff back. Or even just her hands freed. She wanted to push her hands through that infuriatingly impeccable hair, ruining the perfection of it's styling, as her hands found their place along the back of his head, the strong line of his jaw.... She wondered if his flesh would be as cool to the touch as this room felt. Inhuman. Clinical. Or would it be warm, burning with his own hatred and fury? She wanted to feel his pulse under her fingers. And with just a twist.... A jerk of her muscles...

 

Her chest was rising and falling unevenly with short, shallow breaths. She could hear it, the snapping of bone... How heavy his body would sound as it hit the ground... She swallowed hard, blinking at her own blood lust. She bit her tongue, willing herself to find a more peaceful line of thought. She hadn't been killed, yet. It could have easily been arranged. She could have been injected with poison rather than the painkillers. Surely, that is what was making her so delirious. As if in the temporary absence of pain, she had forgotten she was capable of feeling it altogether. Which could only mean that Hux either wanted something from her or he merely intended to gloat before calling for her head. Probably both. It was hard to focus against the rising red haze tinging the corners of her vision. Keep it together, Rey, she thought.

 

_ ‘Magnificent, isn't it?’ _

 

Her eyes did not follow the motion of his gesture. A meter away... If she sunk her weight into her left foot, she could close the distance between them... She could knock him to the ground if she struck at the right instant, one step between the next when his boot clad feet were firmly planted. The guards lingering back at the door wouldn't be able to catch her before her teeth sunk into the flesh of his neck. Were they sharp enough? To pierce his skin, to rend the tendons and muscle beneath? She wanted to feel his veins catch in her teeth, to feel the heat of his blood staining her clothes, marking her skin.... Wanted to feel that slick wetness slide along her fingertips as she decimated him.

 

She paled at her own grotesque thoughts. Her eyes following the line of his tongue across his lips as if he were about to savor something - from the way his pale eyes settled on her, she didn't think she'd enjoy finding out the answer of what that something was. He wore a smirk, crossing out of her view as he circled behind her. The tension forming between her shoulders growing visible as her muscles tightened - the urge to keep him in her sights was nearly undeniable. She didn't trust him then on the balcony and she trusted him even less, now.

 

_ ‘At Vorkenna, you were so amazed by every tiny detail. Every piece of finery.’ _

 

How foolish she was. She felt ashamed that she had allowed him a glimpse of her genuine self. It felt wrong, now, in this context. As if it had violated her privacy in a way she could not even begin to explain. How far away that night felt. She'd been robbed of something... In everything that had followed in the moments after Vysera had revealed herself. Something had been taken. What it was, she couldn't identify but it ached like CS-9874's knife had been buried in her chest instead of where it'd been sheathed again and again in her leg. The night had inspired something in her, a protectiveness she had never known... Ben…

 

_ ‘It could all be yours, you know.’ _

 

She leaned closer, head still tilted up towards him as she glared up at him, it was hard to be intimidating when he was so much taller, yet she didn't feel like she had to try. Eyes dangerous slits like the razor edge of a knife. Her lips twisting into a shark's grin, blood stained teeth bared to him. A look that suggested if he were to but take off her restraints, she'd take it all from him right then and there. She growled, she didn't need the Force to break him. He need only free her hands and she'd see just how soft the coddling arms of the privilege of rank had made him. How she wanted to make him pa! Her expression hardened as she withdrew from him, returning to the close to passive demeanor as she stared past him. There would be time for that, later, she promised herself. She would rip him from that throne... Leave it empty for all she cared... She didn't lust for power as he did...

 

Until she detected movement. Her eyes dropped to his raised fingers. If he dared..... It took all of her self restraint not to flinch away from him. She'd bite those intrusive fingers off down to their knuckles. Or so she believed. But she was trembling. Rage? Fear? An intoxicating blend of each. Add a dash of injured pride... It was a volatile cocktail. Mercifully, he dropped his hand away.

 

_ ‘You have the potential for so much more than you could possibly imagine.’ _

 

He turned away, putting a little more distance between them. It felt easier to breathe. Her mouth suddenly felt dry. Just what did he mean by that? She knew better than to take it for a compliment. Such things were not his way. Nothing without a reason.

 

_ ‘I'm going to give you a choice and I want you to... Think hard before you answer’ _

 

His pause gave her chills. She wanted to be anywhere but here... She glanced over her shoulder - the guards hadn't moved. Were they even paying attention, she wondered? How many times had she nearly dozed off when her features had the luxury of being hidden? Far too many times... She looked back to him... Here it came...

 

_ ‘You saved my life. Twice in the same night.’ _

 

He turned back to face her and she could only look away, shame staining her cheeks. She wouldn't do that again, she told herself sternly. It had been a mistake. How wrong she'd been... A fool. She should have slammed shut that door, never reached for him after he had first betrayed his murderous intentions back on Jira. Tears stung her eyes. She hadn't wanted to be wrong about him. She'd hoped... Stupid! Vain little girl! Thinking she had the power to change anyone... Anything at all. Nothing! Her teeth grit together so hard the muscles in her neck had tensed, fingernails drawing dark beads of crimson on her palms. She should have let Lil break his legs. See if he cared so much for a throne when he was confined to it.....

 

_ ‘I could be in need of such protection again.’ _

 

"You already are..." She huffed under her breath. Subconsciously fidgeting her wrists, the restraint clicking faintly against her efforts. After what he did... She could feel his weight atop of her, his hands clamped around her wrists as sure as these cuffs! He only needed to prove her wrong, to show her that she was wrong about him, that he was just as awful as everyone believed him to be and she would be able to wash her hands free of him with no guilt.

 

_ ‘Your position is simple. Either I will claim you, or death will.’ _

 

She looked up, mild surprise on her face. She had already pledged herself... Been claimed. There was nothing for him to claim that she had not given to Ben. Or so she believed. She heard the faint mocking laughter... Or had she simply imagined it? Or was that bitter chuckle her own? She was at a loss for words.

 

He gave her the illusion of choice but it was no choice at all. Just like when he'd caged her into agreeing to go to the ball with him. Well... Surely it would be better to die than submit to him... It called to her. A dark abyss where she had no weight, no thoughts... Where she was truly nothing and all of this wouldn't even matter... And yet to refuse entirely would mean she would never see Ben again. Her heart screamed its protest at the thought, a sharp pain that filled her gut with acid. A sudden idea occurred to her... Biting as painfully as a sand tick, digging in...

 

"Is this what you truly desire?" She said after a long moment. She moved towards him, ears straining for the sound of the guards behind her... If they would even interfere... How big of a threat could she be, really? Her own thought sounded sarcastic. She hadn't been crash tackled, however, so she stepped closer until she stood before him. She reached for his hand, showing a surprising amount of strength as she guided his gloved hand to her neck.

 

"If it is, then I was wrong about you. And you're just your father's son. If that's true... Then there is nothing I have that you would want." She swallowed hard, it was incredibly difficult to remain still with his hand resting on her throat. She wasn't a gambler by nature. She didn't believe in chance so much as fate. She was throwing heavy dice. Either she was right... That he was capable of pushing past Brendol's legacy.... Or.... Or she'd endeavor to take him down with her.

 

"So... Do it, Armitage. If this is you want for so desperately. If this is who you truly are!"

 

~ 

 

_ ‘Is this what you truly desire?’ _

 

Hux blinked. He had not expected her to consider his own concerns when he had thrown her life into the balance. Did she still have faith in him? He had thought her in Vorkenna to be the only one with true faith in him.

 

She had crept closer. Perhaps too close. Still, he didn't flinch away nor signal the guards. He would not show her a sign of fear, despite the murderous look in her eyes. She reached to take his hand and he flinched at the unexpected contact, yet didn't pull away as he realised she was guiding him to her throat. The heat of the elegant column of her neck met his palm even through the fabric of the glove. His fingers wrapped around the cylinder of her skin. He could feel the speeding throb of her pulse. Delicate, almost. So easily crushed. Like extinguishing a flame.

 

_ ‘If it is, then I was wrong about you. And you're just your father’s son.’ _

 

Hux stiffened. How could she dare to...

 

Before he could even attempt to smother those words, to smother that thought and the mere comparison, he was already nearing a vile assortment of quivering, churning memories. Bastard child, disgraced son, the mistake, the flaw, the scrap of a boy, the weak-willed disappointment, watching the others in silence from a dark corner, the odd, pale, sickly child with his distinctive, flaming hair.

 

_ “If that's true... Then there is nothing I have that you would want.” _ She continued.

 

Hux stared at her. Why was she doing this? Had she really given in so easily? Did she truly want to die? She had conviction in what she said. She was brave, another thing that he... that he liked about her.

 

_ “So... Do it, Armitage. If this is what you want so desperately. If this is who you truly are!” _

 

His eyes were wide. He observed her glistening, elegant face and thin form, her slender legs like the branches of a tree. His fingers twitched, applying the slightest pressure.

 

*

 

His eyes were wide. He observed the glistening eyes of the deer-like creature before him. It’s long legs like the flowing branches of a tree. Its majestic antlers were spread above its head like a thousand streams. A noble creature. A guiltless animal. His tiny fingers twitched, applying the slightest pressure to the trigger. It wouldn't be enough.

 

“Do it, Armitage.” Brendol snapped in a hushed whisper, so as not to disturb the hunt.

 

Armitage raised the blaster.

 

“This is who you truly are.” Brendol enforced, whispering in his ear. “You must learn. You must know what it means to kill.”

 

Brendol firmly steadied his son’s shaking arms. Tears brimmed in Armitage’s eyes.

 

“Come now, boy.” Brendol comforted, though his voice was as cold as steel. “It's only an animal.”

 

The young Armitage shuddered. He swallowed back the tears in his eyes, though he bit his lip in the following silence. He was ready. He tried his best to aim as he had been taught, shutting off any other task or thought, or feeling. In the green spotlights of the trees, he saw the deer be greeted by three smaller sillouettes. They nudged heads, brushing soft ears and delicate noses in all the harmony of the gentle sunlight.

 

Armitage lowered the weapon. He released his quivering lip from his teeth. He couldn't... there was love between them. The creature had children...

 

The blaster was ripped from his small hands. Armitage knew what would happen.

 

“N-no!” He attempted to protest, knowing already that it wouldn't make a difference.

 

Armitage stared up at the towering shadow of his father, his expert practice was quickly presented as he fired without the slightest hesitation. The fiery beam flew through the body in a split second. The creature let out a blood-curdling howl, sending a flock of shrieking enbony-winged birds sailing from the tops of the trees in fright. Brendol let rip another shot, knocking down the deer child. Another two, and the whole family was laid on the ground like fallen logs, though the father remained living, calling and wailing and squirming amoungst the foliage in sheer, raw agony. Small pools of blood, like tainted lakes, formed around their limbs. The deer continued to cry for something that was already lost.

 

Brendol threw down the blaster. Turning to his son, he swiftly backhanded him across the face.

 

Armitage’s tears overflowed as the sting of his father’s palm send him falling backward as the deer had done, landing heavily on his back as he lost his footing. He knelt amoungst the broken twigs and greenery, heels pressing into the mud as he caressed the swelling of his heated cheek while watching in awe and terror as the mighty beast twice the size of even his father, was brought to the earth in one swift blow, squirming and wheezing, and gasping. Armitage quickly couldn't bear to watch any longer. He threw his small hands over his tightly closed eyes before bringing them to his ears. He wouldn't hear the moaning, like a horrible never-ending wind.

 

“No.” Brendol scolded, tearing Armitage’s hands from his ears and pushing him forward with ease. “Look.” Brendol ordered in a snarl.

 

Armitage obeyed. He winced, forcing himself to watch the creature’s unending torment as he shook with fear and an even greater despair. His face still burned. His hands made fists.

 

“Look closely.” Brendol repeated, his large grip pressing down on the boy’s small shoulders. “This is what suffering looks like.”

 

As Armitage continued to stare, his fear and awe was replaced with thrill and grim curiousity all too soon. His tears dried as the sting of his father’s strike died with it. The beast itself grew quieter, beginning to succumb to the bloodloss. What was the point in struggle? Armitage realised, at so early an age, that there was nothing to be done, except to study as his father wished him to. So, study, he did.

 

The next time he held a blaster in his hand with Brendol present, he took his aim between the wide, cobalt eyes of a child not much younger than himself. Brendol didn't need to tell him again. Nevertheless, the familiar words:

 

“It's only an animal.”

 

It was no animal. Yet this time, Armitage did not hesitate to pull the trigger.

 

*

 

Hux loosened his grasp, taking a step back. He wasn't aware that his eyes had watered from the memory. Weak willed child! Had he not changed in the slightest? Had he not learned?! How had she mastered the ability to know his memories without him even feeling the invasion? This was surely her manipulation! Why else would he be reminded... reminded of his first kill? Unless...

 

Unless the guilt was returning?

 

No. Hux wouldn't accept it. He would neither let her force him to do what he didn't wish for the sake of proving himself, nor would he own the name of his father when the comparison made him sick.

 

“No.” Hux refused aloud. His tears were gone in seconds as his face heated with uncontainable rage. How dare she weaken him again. How dare she make it so needlessly difficult, not playing by his rules, playing a game of her own foolish making.

 

“NO!” He screamed in her face. “I know you scavenger! I know your ways! I will not play with you!” He stormed backwards from her. “ I am not my father! I am greater, I am ten times the stronger! I am the Emperor of the First Order, and I will not show you mercy until you learn better! I offer you what the rest of the galaxy can only dream of, and you choose death?! So be it! Your life will be a living hell, only to be ended when I know you to be ready and not when you ask me!”

 

He lifted his hand to strike her. He remembered the sting of his father’s palm on his own cheek. He recoiled in disgust.

 

“Get her out.” He snarled, barely louder than a murmur. The guards were slow to move. “GET HER OUT!” Hux repeated in a fierce scream, startling them into a quicker motion.


	54. Chapter 54

It wasn't until she could feel the stitching lines, the texture of fine hide that his glove was made of on her neck that she began to have second thoughts. Yet she had committed, unable to abandon this path, the words spilling from her lips. She needed it. The conflict - she craved resolution, one way or the other. She couldn't process the grating anxiety of whether he was worth the effort, the pain... She couldn't reconcile the injury to her pride, the shame of having saved his life and in the same breath - the shame of hating herself for it. She couldn't understand what it was about him that seeped under her foundations and seemed to overturn them so easily. If only she could have helped him down another path, what amazing possibilities there could have been! Her eyes were large as she stared up at him, her pulse fluttering under his hand.

 

It wasn't the right move to make, however - he stiffened, visibly at her words. Somewhere in her mind, she was screaming at herself to stop. She couldn't. Maybe it was selfish, it certainly was destructive. No good could come from this but... She finished at last, taunting him finally as if she had doubts to his commitment. But she could not let him go unchallenged... Smarmy.... bastard! She couldn't seem to bear the prospect of him believing he held all the cards, made all the calls. Somehow, being put into a reality where that was the case was too much to bear, knowing that he wanted her for his own devices was... She couldn't be part of his Order. Wanton destruction and the obliteration of life, in spite of her temper-fuelled bloodlust, it was not her way. She had to desperately believe that it wasn't her true nature - that she was more a child of the light than that of the darkness - to agree to become his tool, his weapon... Was to be consumed. Lost. She couldn't allow it.

 

He stared back at her and she endeavored to meet him as evenly as she could - her spirit begged her to control herself but it was too late... She'd given in to the burning call of rebellion - willful in all the ways she had never dared to be back on Jakku...

 

She felt his fingers move, stiffening under his touch with a sharp intake of breath. Her eyes dared him to take it further, to rip away any delusions she may have had about him... But his own eyes did not seem to see her, his mind had gone elsewhere... She watched, scanning his face as he paused. What was he seeing? What had she done? She dropped her hands away, wanting to push against him, to put distance back between them but she was frozen, fear weighing her feet down. His eyes had gone glassy... Tears? Or simply the need to blink, she couldn't determine which. She doubted she could have had any such effect on him after the merciless way he had called for her arrest only moments after she had saved him from a watery grave.

 

Suddenly, he released her - taking a step back. She watched the change come over him as she had watched sandstorms roar across the sand dunes - brutal and uncompromising... Forever leaving the landscape changed in their wake. Which was he? Which was she? The storm or the shifting sands?

 

_ ‘No.’ _

 

She braced herself, sure that she had loosed a terror and perhaps for the first time, realized it might very well be beyond her capability to soothe.

 

_ ‘NO!’ _

 

Like a dog straining at a chain too short, he screamed in her face, his own was barely recognizable - a mask of infernal rage. Bizarrely, she'd felt more at ease in Vysera's cool grasp than she did standing before Hux in this moment. She paled considerably, turning her head away from him as her hands lifted subconsciously as if to fend off what she was certain would be a painful reflection of treatment he had endured by his father's hands.

 

_ ‘I know you scavenger! I know your ways! I will not play with you!’ _

 

He retreated from her, bellowing in protest against her words. Was she wrong? No. Only, she speculated, in that he didn't have the stones to do the dirty work himself.

 

_ ‘I am not my father! I am greater, I am ten times the stronger! I am the Emperor of the First Order, and I will not show you mercy until you learn better! I offer you what the rest of the galaxy can only dream of, and you choose death?! So be it! Your life will be a living hell, only to be ended when I know you to be ready and not when you ask me!’ _

 

His words made her blood run cold. She hadn't... She... Her stomach churned with the dread of acknowledging her own folly. She'd gone too far... Always brash, always acting on instinct rather than reason... She risked a glance back towards him to see he had drawn near to her again, like the eternal ebb and flow of the ocean's waves. His fist was raised. She flinched, eyes closing, bracing herself.

 

It never came. She peeled her eyes open, seeing the disgust roll over his face, summoning the sickening sensation in her own self. What she had seen that night on Jira... He had not divulged and she had not received it willingly. Yet she had taken that vulnerability and ripped into it as a wild beast tearing straight into the jugular of its victim. She shook her head.

 

"I'm sorry..." She breathed - knowing full well that it would mean nothing to him. But it had to be said, for her own sake. This isn't who she was, she told herself. If there was honor in him, she had certainly called it into question and were it not for the ominous threat of her death after an untold period of what would likely be torture, she would have understood his indignation.

 

_ ‘Get her out.’ _

 

She alone heard his snarled order. Off to await her execution? Would he come to her and administer 'hell' as he had called it? No... Someone else, so he could sit on his fancy chair and pretend none of her blood was on his hands. That by giving that task to someone else made him free of the guilt. Panic flared within her - what had she done?! Her thoughts moved to Ben, to Leia... Vysera was still out there... Hux was seizing the First Order.... And now she was to be trapped, unable to help her love or his mother!

 

_ ‘GET HER OUT!’ _

 

The guards ran forward, hands seizing her and she at last found her own voice - screaming at them and lashed out, nearly dragging them to the ground with her from the efforts of her exertions. She strained, fingers tugging at one of the guard's holstered blasters, nearly freeing it before the guard split the other side of her lip.

 

"Keep it up! You'll only die tired." One of them drawled, voice grainy from the helmet's filter. A well placed kick to the wound in her calf finally dropped her to her knees - it had to be debilitating enough to penetrate the haze of the painkillers. The force of which had reopened the fragile stitches. She pushed against them until the other pulled a syringe from the utility pack on his belt, sliding the thin needle into her neck. She went limp, fingers leaving dark smudges on the legplate of the other guard's armor. They dragged her free of the throne room leaving a trail of gore in their wake. The guards eager to be out of the reach of the Gen- Emperor... Whatever she had said had evoked a rage the likes of which that was surely a rival to Kylo Ren's. They had not missed his promise of her death.

 

LK snapped to attention, he and the rest of the security detail had waited outside. For him, it was the source of a great deal of anxiety. He was torn now, between his loyalties - a feeling he hadn't even known he was capable of. When he saw her, his heart leapt to his throat.

 

"What're we doing with her?" He tried to sound gruff but in spite of his best efforts, his voice wavered - she was bleeding again! What did they do?!

 

"Brig. Obviously." One of the guards who had drug her out stated. They moved into formation, Rey's fight seemed to have lapsed, her head hung low, chin nearly dragging on her chest as they pulled her back up to her feet. It was then, he realized she was unconscious. Behind his visor, his eyes widened, glancing back towards the doors to the throne chamber.

 

There was a harsh guffaw behind them, they all shifted. Three other Squadron Leaders stood, their shoulder pauldrons dipped in crimson, gleaming in the lights.

 

"That's adorable. But, no. This little desert flower is going to solitary. We'll take her from here." One of them said, his voice suggested that he found none of it to be adorable at all. The other troopers looked at each other - they were caught in the tide of hierarchy and rank. With a sharp salute, they handed her over. LK watched, his gut churning as they began to drag her away.

 

~

 

They'd had to go down several floors. It was a rarely used part of the ship, truth be told. Most prisoners were processed directly - the First Order did not have much use for prisoners. But this one.... Rumors had spread, fuelled with the security feeds of her attack of her old squadron leader - reportedly clinging for her life... If she hadn't expired already. It was an affront to all the others. A traitor, an imposter... And no standing orders for how long to leave her there... No mandated specifics allowed them to devise a plan of their own.

 

"In she goes!" One of them said, waving his bracer before the sensor. The door slid open. A small dark cell, not quite long enough for her to lay down, even with her shorter height. Not wide enough to extend her arms or legs out. Not that they'd allow her that privilege. They unlocked her restraints, laying her on the ground as they drug her arms behind her.

 

"This is for CS-9874!" One whispered to her unhearing ears, snapping the restraints back into place with a firm click, tightening them until the metal dug into her wrists. He straightened, nodding to the other two, shoving her into the small confines - the only fixture was a sanitary unit - a small spigot above it to serve as a means of a sink. Not, that she'd see it. They switched the bleary light off before sliding the door shut.

 

~

 

Rey woke in complete darkness. Eyes widening as she tried to spot even the faintest trace of light. There was none to be found. She tried to get to her feet but the movement had unleashed a barrage of pain all over her body. Whatever chemicals they had given her to erase the pain had well and truly worn off. She collided with something and fell back to the ground. Nothing around her but cool metal! It did not take her long to discover how just small her confines were. The change of position of her hands had only added to her distress. She tried to put her back to a wall, fingertips straining to find a crevice or anything at all to break up the excruciatingly smooth metal that greeted her touch. There was nothing...

 

How long had she been out? How long was she to stay in here? Suddenly it felt as though she could not breathe. Her attempt to draw in a long, deep breath was awarded with a sharp pain in her side. It took her a moment to recall the snapping sound as CS had ploughed her boot into her ribs. She found a corner, pressing herself into it as she drew her legs up to her chest. She could do nothing about the incessant itching feeling on her calf - she tried to rub at it against the floor, with her other leg but she couldn't seem to rid herself of the feeling of something oozing down her calf - nor could she do anything for the dried blood on her chin but to lick at it with her tongue, to resolve the itching feeling.

 

More worrying was the longer she sat there, the colder she felt. She had not been given a flightsuit and The Ordinance by its nature was kept at a cool temperature. Here, it felt even colder... Her attire was the same, the tattered dress... She swallowed hard, pressing her head against the wall... If it was the wall - she had no perception of anything. Perhaps she had been on the floor the entire time...

 

~

 

She couldn't be sure how much time had passed. She swung like a pendulum between maintaining absolute silence and screaming until her voice gave out. She knew she was hungry and cold. She needed water but there was none to be had. She dreaded the thought of what she would have to do when it came time to relieve herself.

 

In her quiet moments she was plagued with delusions. Phantoms of her mind. She would strain to hear the faintest sound of life on the other side of what she assumed was the door. But there was nothing. No other prisoners. Not even a patrol of guards so she could try to gauge the time. There was no light. Nothing at all. It was overwhelming. Sometimes, she would simply curl into as tight a ball as she could, wedged against what she figured must have been a wall. In her mind, she saw the tally marks on the wall of her old AT-AT. Would she be here that long? What of Ben? She called for him - never knowing if she was awake or if she had dreamt it. Her perception of reality was quickly unravelling. Was she even alive? The pain she felt that permeated her body was the only indication that could be the case. She ached straight down into the marrow of her bones - it felt like no part of her had not been assaulted.

 

~

 

It took three days to get himself into the security rotation. LK collected the tray of food from the dispensary and made his way to solitary. It was with no small amount of dismay that he saw two of the ruby-hued pauldron leaders standing at the doorway leading to the narrow hallway of solitary. He was stopped with a palm on his chest.

 

"What's this?" One of them asked, helmet tilting downward to investigate the train.

 

"Food... For the prisoner." LK sounded confused, looking down at the tray.

 

"Huh." He took the tray from him, promptly tipping the contents into the bin beside him, giving it a good shake before handing it back to the astonished LK.

 

"Wh-what the he-" He began, falling silent as the other one chuckled.

 

"She's a quick eater. Must have been hungry."

 

"Have... Has she even been fed?" LK leaned forward just enough to peer down into the bin. Remnants of other food scraps visible. Had they.... been waylaying all of her rations?

 

"Nope."

 

"Is this authorized?" He queried, sounding rather concerned. Too concerned, in fact.

 

"We look after our own. CS-9874 was a fellow leader. And after what she did to her, I'm not sure why you're even curious. You're not feeling.... Attachment, are you, soldier?" The other one had stepped towards him slowly and he shook his head.

 

"No, of course not!"

 

"Good. I'd hate to have to add a recommendation of your transfer to a reinduction campus in my report."

 

The other guard chuckled. He felt as though his blood had turned to ice. He got the distinct impression that whatever 'report' they were sending was in no way reflective of their true actions down here.

 

"You should move along." It was not a suggestion.

 

~

 

She heard a faint noise. Gasping, she pulled herself into what she thought was an upright position on her knees. W-water? She felt as though she had forgotten what it was, how it sounded... How she longed for a shower! She shuffled around, getting to her feet she stumbled into the sanitary unit, her foot smarting at the contact - but it was worth it, for the feeling of water trickling down on the side of her arm. She shoved her face forward, nearly putting her own eye out on the spigot. She slurped desperately at the ice cold water until it abruptly halted. She wailed woefully, licking at the faucet as if she could coax it back on. It didn't.

 

She sank back down to her knees, sobbing.

 

"Come back..." She whispered hoarsely, tears burning down her cheeks. "Please!"

 

There was nothing for her but despair.

 

~

 

For a moment she thought she could see Ben. He was so blurry! Her eyes burned - having become unused to seeing anything at all. He was restrained as she was except... He was not alone. She saw Poe in the room with him. She called out, reaching with her mind, unable to feel her hands, unaware that she had pinned them beneath her back, restricting the flow of circulation.

 

"Ben..." It was barely more than a pitiful squeak from her dry, cracked lips.

 

She watched in horror as Poe crossed the room and closed the distance between them. Her cell was filled with the sound of Poe's exertions and the small, pained noises escaping Ben's lips. She felt so weak... She moved a fraction of an inch closer to the visage of Ben, his dark hair falling over his face, bloodied lip gleaming like the glint of metal in the moonlight.

 

"N-n..." the vision faded from her sight, leaving her alone once again. Was it a dream? Was it real? She wanted to scream, to fight but her limbs felt weak... faded...

 

Her voice, too, had abandoned her here.

 

~

 

Another four days brought LK down to the prison again. He walked slowly, trying to think of how he could persuade them to let him past - that she needed to eat... His progress halted, just around the corner. He heard laughter... That was... Not usual.

 

"Yeah, well she's not that pretty right now, I bet. Maybe drag the fire hose down there..."

 

"You know, it's been that long, I don't think I really care all that much. She probably wouldn't even know..."

 

LK's stomach turned as the other cracked a joke relating to size and their thuggish laughter that followed. Talking about her as though she was a slab of raw meat and they were two starving dogs in a back alley. It didn't take him long to figure out what they were joking about. Incensed, he stepped out from around the corner, striding up to them with purpose. They fell silent, watching him for a long moment before one reached out to take the tray from him.

 

"Good timing." The one on the left made an impatient grabbing gesture for the tray. He felt his fingers tighten on it.

 

"For what?" There was an edge to his voice.

 

"We were just deciding whether to make this jailbird sing for her supper... Or squeal." There was dark amusement in his tone, reaching for the tray once more.

 

"That's not.... That isn't protocol." LK ground out.

 

"No? I don't think there is a protocol for situations like this. Besides, everyone who probably gives two shits is too busy playing dress up and sitting in fancy chairs." He grabbed the tray at least, ripping it from LK's hand. He turned to his buddy, elbowing him in the side, "What do you reckon she'd do for a walk down the hall and a bit of 'fresh' air?"

 

Once freed from holding the tray that had begun to shake in his tightening grip, he quickly found his hands wrapped into fists, ready to slam it into the side of the red shouldered squadron leader's head.

 

"Who-whoa! Hey! Calm down, kid... Seeing as CS-9874 was your leader... If you play your cards right, we might even be the one to let you ask her. But you gotta wait your turn. And I think it goes without saying, but you troopers aren't so bright, so let me spell it out for you: if you mention this to anyone..." He leaned closer, their helmets cracking together, "They'll have to hose your remains off the floor." He shoved him back, nearly sending LK sprawling on his back. The guard holding the tray waved one hand dismissively as LK righted himself. His skin crawled with disgust. What were they all becoming?

 

LK gave them both a withering glare before turning on his heel and disappearing back around the corner. His pulse raced with something akin to panic. There was only one way he could help her... He wouldn't do her much good if he was put into the infirmary... There would be others. Predators of the most craven kind... He could only hope that he would be in time! He raced to the security node located outside the prison block. His hands swept over the terminal, activating it. What... What was that code sequence CS-9874 had shown him? He swore under his breath, fingers flying across the smooth surface, he was fidgeting in desperation...

 

"Please... please!" He pulled up the security feed - copying it's access point.

 

_ +++++//////ENCRYPTED HIGHEST PRIORITY TRANSMISSION: SUPREME LEADER\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\+++++ _

 

_ URGENT: For your eyes only =======<_***SEC_CAM:PB-ISOLATION***_>======= _

 

_ +++++//////ENCRYPTED HIGHEST PRIORITY TRANSMISSION: SUPREME LEADER\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\+++++ _

 

He sent it, unable to tear his eyes away from the feed link he had sent to the Emperor... He watched as the guards activated the door leading to the isolation block, preparing to make their way to her cell. They appeared to be laughing, one playfully hitting the other's arm as the other gestured to the tray before pausing to start unlatching certain pieces of armor. He swallowed hard, praying to whatever had divine power, if such a thing existed, that the Emperor would see... That he would care enough to intervene...

 

If not... He straightened, pulling his blaster from its holster…


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS/SPOILERS:
> 
> Non-consensual sexual assault. If this is a trigger for you, please proceed with caution (though it is non-graphic and only heavily implied), or skip when you see this symbol {**} and resume after they appear again.

_ "Be careful. Save her. And...Come back. She misses you." _

 

She misses him... For Finn to confirm it aloud meant far more than he could know. Ben stared at the blaster in his hands, then back up at Finn. How could Ben refuse? He was reluctant to cast himself as the villain once more, but for Rey? For his mother? He wouldn't hesitate. He was grateful, at least, that Finn had agreed to the plan, that Ben wouldn't have to knock him unconscious in some other way without his consent. At least he would know clearly, that one man in the resistance was capable of trusting him. Of seeing his true desires and intentions, for Rey’s sake.

 

_ "I'll do what I can from here." _ Finn promised.

 

Ben nodded. He had to believe. His mother was surrounded by friends. She was safe. She had to be...

 

Ben raised the blaster. He took one last moment to look into the eyes of who he was sure could have been the brother he had spent lonely days of his childhood longing for, if only life had been kinder.

 

“Thank you.” Ben said in a whisper.

 

It would never be enough. Hope and trust were priceless. Both things Finn had given him in spades just as he was starting to think that he could not sink any lower in only hours.

 

He didn't waste any more time. He pulled the trigger and Finn fell. Ben reached out, managing to take his arms before he met the impact of the floor, he hugged his body before lowering him down carefully to the uncompromising surface of the ground.

 

Finn’s keycard in hand, Ben drew his eyes from him to the door. It was time.

 

The escape was a blur. Holding Finn’s instructions in the forefront of his every action while pressing to the walls, hiding in the shadows. He had always been good at stealth. Hiding metaphorically and literally. It had served him well, though he had never enjoyed it. He had never wanted to hide. He was determined not to do harm if he were caught. Luckily, thanks to Finn’s instructions, it didn't seem likely. He passed only three, two were easily stunned by that blaster, though the third he quickly put into sleep. He could only hope that Finn would tell his mother the truth and that she might believe him. It felt wrong, though not new, to betray her trust all over again.

 

He was facing an empty airship all too soon. He grounded himself. It was quiet. His father had taught him much about piloting. The most precious days with Han that he could remember involved sailing in the millennium falcon between his father and Chewie, who Ben had sometimes believed, wrongly he realised later, Han had more care for. Ben came to the door, ready to lodge himself in and find what familiarity he might in the controls, when the silence was disturbed by the gentlest of footsteps. Ben knew who it was even just by her gait. She had slowed from what he remembered, yet was as confident and purposeful as ever. Ben pulled to a stop. He raised a hand to his hair, taking in a shaky breath.

 

“I should have known you would never be kept a prisoner for longer than a day. Despite what you may want to believe, you are far too much like me.”

 

It would be so much easier for him to keep running. Not to turn around. He couldn't let her stop him this time. No matter the cost...

 

“I only hoped you'd stay a little longer.” Leia admitted, ever warm and kind. “For my sake.”

 

No escaping it now. Ben turned and met her eyes. She stood tall. Her lips pressed together in that disapproving way that he recognised from when his temper overcame him as a child. He realised his hands were raised in a kind of defence or surrender. The reaction he was used to.

 

“There's no time.” Ben began, as calmly as he could, given the circumstances. His every word was filled with the burden of grim necessity. “Please.” Ben urged her, “Talk to Finn. He'll tell you what you need to kno-“

 

“-and why can't you?” Leia cut in sharply. Ben recognised that from when she would ridicule Han for his less-than-perfect decision making, or calling her a sweetheart when she was hardly in the mood to be coddled or patronised.

 

He couldn't... he already knew she wouldn't let him find Vysera alone if he told her the truth. Leia’s cutting look that matched her tone died away and Ben noticed her scanning him like written words. Her brow furrowed. Could she feel his dread? Did she see him lick the blood on his lips, or holding tight the searing pain in his ribs?

 

Her care, her love, was suddenly utterly evident in all the lines of her face. Even the bittersweet, glistening waters of her dark, gentle eyes. She neared him, and while Ben was so anxious not to move from the door, for her not to take him from his mission again, he remained transfixed. Silenced by the reality of what he had tried to convince himself was false to push aside the guilt: that she still dearly loved him.

 

“...Ben.” There was a silent plea in her addressing him. She had come close enough to reach her fingertips to his face. Ben leant into her touch.

 

“I know that look in your eyes.” She mused softly, now holding his face steady in both hands. She stared, and Ben tried to avoid staring back. He couldn't comprehend his feelings. Every time he met with her, he felt like a child again. The changes he went through, the darkest days, the knowledge he had gained... it all seemed insubstantial. Killing his father, -merely a peculiar nightmare.

 

“Your father’s eyes too,” Leia speculated as if knowing Ben’s thoughts, “before he...”

 

Before Ben stabbed him through the heart.

 

Leia drew back, lowering her hand as if something separate from Ben had pushed her away. Something that had sent a bolt of electricity through her. She gazed at him, her eyes were wide, glassy orbs. Her lips had parted between shock and despair. She looked exactly how Ben felt with every growing minute. He finally turned from her, unwilling to let her see anything else. It was too late. The weight of her stare didn't lessen.

 

“Ben.” She whispered, despite his name being presented so assertively in all other ways on her tongue. “What are you doing?!” She questioned in an incredulous gasp of concern and confusion.

 

Ben couldn't be sure how much she knew. He wasn't about to let her see anymore, or she would never let him go. He boarded the ship, but Leia’s firm hand came around his wrist. Ben suppressed a wince; his restraints had been tight.

 

“What's happened to you?!” Leia interrogated, finding the strength of her resolve in an almost startling instant. What did she mean? Had she not expected Ben to be... different from Kylo Ren? So much so that she would classify it as something that had gone wrong? Or was she referring to Vys... to Ben’s relentless fears that she had read from his mere silence? “Look at me.” She demanded.

 

Ben couldn't. He looked straight ahead. He wouldn't turn, not since it would mean she would see the further guilt and terror he couldn't even attempt to hide from the only other person in the galaxy excepting Rey who knew him so well.

 

“Look at me,” Leia repeated, “and tell me what's in your head.”

 

_ Tell me what's in your head. _

 

She used to say that when Ben had struggled or refused to express himself in words even many, many years prior.

 

“You have to let me go.” Ben answered numbly, avoiding her direct plea. He could only do what he had to if he made himself numb. “Finn will tell you everything you need to know, I promise.” He hadn't been aware that his eyes were watering as Leia’s had done.

 

Ben finally turned back to look at her.

 

“I swear that this is something...” he struggled to phrase it. “a good thing, that I must do.” He didn't want this to be their last time. Time was a thief. Time would steal away everything that Ben dearly loved, and it would be delivered to Vys unless... unless he stopped her first.

 

“I'm sorry, mother.” Ben apologised. It was enough to trigger one of his tears, sending a thin stream down his cheek. “I'm sorry...”

 

Taking a deep breath, he used his apology as a distraction as he tried to harden into something numb and cold all over again. He separated himself from her grasp. Dodging inside, he didn't wait to shut and lock the door of the airship, trapping her out and himself, in. He thought he could hear her hand tap the door, calling his name, over and over. He knew, even as the engine hummed into life and he watched her spin away, even as he shot out into the darkness alone, that she was somehow still be watching. That she would refuse to let him go unless he managed to kill Vys before she could follow...

 

He would have to make a jump, if he were to return to Vorkenna... if the Ordinance was still hovering around over there. If Vys was still there. Ben supposed he didn't have many other options. Unless he... listened more closely.

 

When the airship was somewhat out of the shadow of the Resistance, Ben let it glide aimlessly in Vorkenna’s direction. He was reluctant to open himself up again, after the nightmare he knew was reality. Yet there was still little else that would paradoxically offer him a sense of stability. As soon as he was left with nothing but the stars and his thoughts, the downpour of anxieties that Leia had sensed inside of him would commence once more. Would it be better to know the current circumstances for definite? Ben didn't question it further. His dread didn't matter. If he only saw Rey’s specific location... it would be worth a thousand times more than facing Vys’ voice in his mind again. That's what he had to believe, anyway. He closed his eyes.

 

“Rey.” He called softly into the silence.

 

He was reaching... reaching...

 

***

 

There was no forgetting what it felt like when he had held her life in his hand. Hux comforted himself with cold luxuries. He had started wearing white rather than black. Long, heavy, soft, spotless, white capes. White robes. His red hair the only splash of colour in the mirror. Let the dull, black pit of the recent past containing the sober Kylo Ren be purified and vanquished by Hux’s efficient hand. Let him perform an exorcism on the order and on himself. It would all be cleansed... the galaxy itself would be picked clean. Hux too... he would not lose his sanity... even if he questioned his own motives, he would never...

 

Damn that girl for forcing colours upon his floor and into his usually brilliant, plain, tactical mind. How easily she could throw his careful architectural world into a thrilling but ultimately unpleasant cascade of toppling, stony memories and emotions. Forget the girl, Hux told himself. She would rot eventually, and while it was tragic, he had to prepare for such a time. He was sure it would be the case. Unless she had some change of heart. Unless she gave herself over...

 

_ +++++//////ENCRYPTED HIGHEST PRIORITY TRANSMISSION: SUPREME LEADER\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\+++++ _

 

_ URGENT: For your eyes only =======<_***SEC_CAM:PB-ISOLATION***_>======= _

 

_ +++++//////ENCRYPTED HIGHEST PRIORITY TRANSMISSION: SUPREME LEADER\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\+++++ _

 

Hux blinked as the notification sounded on his portable screen. How odd... he thought he had dealt with everything... everything business-wise anyway. He casually scrolled down to the link, not bothering even to properly notice until afterwards that this footage was being taken from outside the isolation cells. Outside... her... cell.

 

Hux straightened. He peered down at the two figures of squadron leaders. Joking. Unruly. Lewd.The dirty humour escalated...escalated into savage hate.

{**}

Piece by piece, parts of their uniforms began to be removed.

 

Hux was... oddly bewitched at first. He thought it might somehow be a practical joke. He wanted to laugh, but only a peculiar cry of disgust escaped his lips. If it was a joke, it wasn't funny. It wasn't funny at all. He didn't register his own progress, or the build of his oddly irrational rage. He was on his feet. He was sweeping down corridors in seconds. The stairs flowed under his skimming boots.

 

He turned the corner, and in the darkness, without the nightlighting of the camera, it was hard to see. Yet Hux knew. Had he come too late? He thought he would be sick on the floor. The brutes...

 

Both the guards and the girl had seemed to pause in amazement, there were in a kind of composition of close proximity as far as Hux could tell. Yet they could see him? Perhaps the white of his clothes had managed to make him glow.

 

{**}

 

Hux trembled, suddenly faced with a situation he never could have predicted in a million years.

 

“Are you men?!” Hux bellowed loosely at the figures he identified to be half naked squadron leaders. “Or beasts?!”

 

His face was heated for an utterly different reason to when he had had his own confrontation with the girl.

 

“E-Emper-“

 

“-Do you possess ANY kind of SENSE?!” Hux continued to berate them, not allowing them even a second to defend themselves, diseased rats that they were. “Any kind of reason?! Or are you merely wild boars reaping your carnal lusts from the dirty flesh of resistance scavenger scum?!”

 

If they made further protests, Hux hardly heard them.

 

“Get OUT!” Hux shrieked at them. “You are never to come back here again, do you understand?!”

 

He could just make out the crouching form of the girl. Of Rey. Hux stood there. He had so quickly become tongue-tied after scaring the squadron leaders from the room.

 

~

 

Ben fell back into his body. He had seen it. He was there. He hadn't realised he was crying out, just like after he saw the Knights, except he knew... this was happening at that very moment... and what could he DO about it, floating in some ship alone?!

 

“NO!”

 

He threw his arms into empty air as if he could grip back onto what he had seen somehow. He couldn't leave her. He couldn't leave her. If he found her, he would never, ever let go again. They would have to tear him limb from limb before he let another soul do her harm.

 

Kept in the swallowing darkness, starved, dying... abused. With Hux standing over her...

 

“You only have yourself to blame.”

 

Ben grit his teeth. He wasn't alone yet. If only he was!

 

“Where are you?!” Ben snarled into empty space.

 

“I'm with you.” Vys hissed. Ben felt her icy arms around his chest... around his neck. “Always.” She vowed. “Always, always with you.”

 

Ben looked around him and up and down his shoulders. He saw nothing. No one.

 

~

 

"Grab the hose..." He gestured to the coiled hose wound up on the wall. It was used for cleaning the cells or subduing insubordinate prisoners but in this instance... Well, they were not unaware of the conditions they had subjected their only prisoner to. Depraved, perhaps, but they had standards - neither one had the desire to get her filth on themselves. His companion hesitated, setting the tray down, hands hovering over the coiled hose.

 

"You... Do you think we'll get in trouble for this?" He queried.

 

"EJ-6824... Seriously? No. No one will even know. If that kid squeals... He'll have a fatal accident in his next training session. Besides, you fuck with one squadron leader... You mess with us all. You think she deserves to just sit in there? After what she did? No! She deserves this and more!" Finally, EJ-6824 nodded, pulling free the hose until it reached to the door and they stood side by side. VX-1189 swiped his bracer against the cell door. The door slid open.

 

Light. It branded her eyes, dazing her as she squeezed her shut, tucking her head down to her chest. She had been curled up on her side, with her arms caught behind her back she couldn't lift her hands to shield her burning eyes from the brutality of the light. She had begun to think she would never see it again, that Hux had decided to let her rot in this cell, no food to eat... Hardly a sip of water... She made a pitiful noise, drawing her legs up tighter to her chest as if to make herself smaller.

 

"Good evening, little desert flower! Need a little rain?" VX-1189 slammed his hand against the doorframe making her jump. Sound! Sound..... That she had craved now sounded like thunder in her ears. She had begged for a sign of life outside her miserable cell but now it filled her with a sense of foreboding. A building feeling of dread like storm clouds building above head, dark and dangerous. She winced. She heard the faint clanking of metal on metal...Her mind couldn't compute the sound of buckles being freed from a belt strap, her senses were assaulted with far too much stimulus far too quickly from having been deprived of them for so many days.

 

"Water....?" She croaked peeling her eyes open to take in the silhouettes of two rather large figures standing in the beam of light that spilled into her tiny cell. For the two squadron leaders, it was near total darkness. Yet it was more than her eyes had been able to take in and it nearly blinded her.

 

"Oh, we'll give you water... But not to drink." There was amusement in his tone. She saw one lift something and in the next second she gasped in shock and in pain, curling up tighter as the high powered hose activated, spraying water on her with enough force to bruise. It was freezing! She shivered, fingers quivering behind her. She couldn't keep it out of her face, she choked, spluttering on water that got into her face, stung her eyes before she could close them, she felt sluggish.

 

"St-stop!" She cried, her voice barely audible over the sound of the water. VX nodded, and EJ-6824 quickly turned the hose off - drops of water still fell from the ceiling. She shivered, the cold cutting straight down to the bone. The only benefit she could determine was that the fine layer of grime that had clung to her skin had been... Forcibly removed. She wanted to fight but her body would not obey her, shuddering violently in the corner as her teeth chattering.

 

{**}

 

"Looks like the desert rose has been de-thorned! Where's your fire now, hm?" They descended on her, hands reaching for her, gripping her mercilessly. She tried to struggle but she felt so fatigued and disoriented. She mumbled something about releasing her hands, slumping against their grip, one of them pulled on the neckline of her dress, the delicate fabric shredded as they pulled her from the cell - her legs screamed in protest at having been stretched out at long last. Her modesty was left unattended, her chest exposed down to her navel, she cowered from them, unable to move her arms to cover herself.

 

"You won't need your hands, trust me. Play nice and we'll give you something else for you to swallow." VX-1189 chuckled, his hands falling to his belt, ridding himself of his leg plates. She was grateful she couldn't see their faces, obscured by their helmets. Oh, if only she had the strength to destroy them! She reared back, the other guard's hand slipping on her slick skin, releasing her and she scrambled back, trying to retreat back into the cell - never once had she thought she'd find such a place of utter hopelessness to be a relief, to provide comfort. How she wished she could have closed the door! Her heart beat recklessly like a battle drum, she could barely breathe - the injury CS-9874 had dealt her smarted against her frantic breaths.

 

There was nowhere to hide, nowhere she could run!

 

"Go away!" Her voice was barely more than a hoarse whisper. Was this being done by Hux's orders? Is this what he meant by hell? It didn't take her long to work out what they were insinuating in spite of her relative innocence in such matters. She was terrified. They were in the doorway again, laughing. Malice like poison evident as they swarmed her, dragging her out by her hair, forcing her to kneel. N-no... No no no no! The word repeated over and over in her mind as she tried to shake her head as they shed yet more of their gear. The other reached out, trailing his thumb over her lips, pressing them open, slipping his finger between her lips. She bit down, instinctively - he yelped in pain.

 

His companion delivered a swift blow to her liver. Pain the likes of which she had never dreamed of washed over her. Her breath dissipated in her lungs, her body froze. She couldn't.... She couldn't move! Tears streamed down her cheeks as she kneeled helplessly as they shed more of their gear. N-no! She didn't want to see! She didn't want to... She squeezed her eyes shut, her state of mind fraying. If this is what Hux intended for her... She couldn't... She couldn't do this. She would not wait for him to authorize her death only after she had endured unspeakable barbaric deeds. She thought of Ben, hearing the sound of fabric hitting the ground. Surely he would not begrudge her.... There were no tools she could use, her arms bound... She would have to wait, wait until they put her back into the cell and when she was alone... Her heart thudded - the sound so loud in her ringing ears... Blunt force was all she had in that room. She was certain if she could find the angling on the sanitary unit that her skull would cave long before that seamless metal would...

 

Fingers fisted in her hair, a blow to her kidney left her gasping for air, lips parting in spite of her best efforts - she could feel the warmth coming off the guard's body only centimeters from her face. Her shoulders shook with sobs she struggled to keep inside, determined not to comply with their filthy craven desires!

 

"Nice and wide..."

 

She would beg Ben for his forgiveness, if he could even hear her... She was sorry... For being so weak... Were her eyes finally adjusting to the low-light or was she truly falling into an abyss, darkness settling around her like a poisonous cloud.

 

~

{**}

 

LK could wait no longer, he turned away from the security panel as soon as he had seen them activate the hose. He ran back down through, getting to the lift, back to the prison block when his bracer began to beep. He ignored it, shifting restlessly as the elevator lowered him closer and closer to the cells.

 

The pitch had begun to get louder, he shook his head, jogging towards the prison block doors, lifting his bracer. It glowed and angry red.

 

"What?" He stared down at it - he had access! He did! He just did, a couple of minutes ago! He swiped again - the comm activating - his new squadron leader ordering him to the mess hall.

 

"I CAN'T! I have t-to..." It was just a recording. There would be no adjustment to the orders. He swore at the bracer, trying to pry it from his arm. The beeping grew louder until it seemed to scream from inside the confines of his skull. "Please, no!" He raised his blaster, ready to blast the door or his bracer, he wasn't sure which but for the blur of motion on the small security feed mounted by the door. He exhaled in relief - The Emperor! He let out a sob, tearing himself away, towards the Mess Hall - surely she would be safe now! He had no other choice, the noise was about to drive him to his knees with the pitch of it.

 

~

{**}

 

She felt something cold and round press to the back of her neck. A blaster muzzle. She made a small noise of protest, a half sobbed plea, a pained groan. She didn't see it coming, only felt her mouth violated, her sounds of protest changed to that of choking, struggling to breathe. That was when the sharp sound of boots on the polished floor made them pause. Behind the slight curve of the man's hip she could see a swatch of brilliant white material. More of them? She didn't think she'd had enough water left in her body for tears. She was proven incorrect. She mewled, shoulders slumping in defeat. What if they were not content with... She was awash with shame, exposed and in a compromising position with no way to defend herself. Despair, an utter loss of hope unfurled its arms like dark wings of a carrion bird. She felt icy talons sink into her chest, defeat.

 

_ ‘Are you men?! Or beasts?!’ _

 

Hux? She wilted further, still believing this to be his grand design to bring her suffering of which she could draw no previous comparison. She felt the hands holding her tense, the fingers in her hair spasmed in surprise. One of them tried to address their new emperor but it was futile. There was no other explanation for the way they had huddled, their state of partial undress, the way they had defiled her. The guard withdrew and she gasped for breath, chest heaving as she fought against her guts churning, determined not to lose the contents of her stomach all over the floor.

 

_ ‘Do you possess ANY kind of SENSE?! Any kind of reason?! Or are you merely wild boars reaping your carnal lusts from the dirty flesh of resistance scavenger scum?!’ _

 

_ {**} _

 

They released her and she fell to the floor in a heap as they tried to make themselves decent, trying to make some kind of excuse that he silenced with a slew of angry words. Was this not his intention? His words seemed to suggest otherwise - his rage so visceral she almost thought if she could have reached out that she would have felt it heating the air around them. His hurled insult did not make her angry, it did not make her weep. At least not with anguish.

 

_ ‘Get OUT! You are never to come back here again, do you understand?!’ _

 

They moved quickly, hastening to pull up their pants as they made a run for it. Somehow, he hadn't ordered them to the disciplinary complex. Perhaps he wasn't so far above administering genuine justice, after all! They disappeared around the corner, taking the stairs from which Hux had arrived.

 

Silence settled over the hallway, but for Rey's haggard breathing. She pushed herself up to her knees - her body shaking with tremors of adrenaline, terror, and finally... Relief. She didn't register the state of her torn clothing as she pushed herself up to her feet. She disgusted him! He was repulsed by her... He hated her... He was content to let her die! Yet she ran to him, tripping over her own burning, disobedient legs. Slipping in the water that dripped from her shredded attire. She collided with him, face pressed against his chest - incapable of words, her attempts to speak dissolved in shaking, body shuddering sobs - if her arms were free, she would have held him tight.


	56. Chapter 56

She could feel his distress, his anger as he searched his limbs for a trace of her own. Silly boy... Though time had changed his body into an immaculate specimen of a man, there were many ways in which he remained that same boy she'd met all those many years ago. There was so much he couldn't even begin to comprehend. Snoke had tried, in his way, to unmake them and recreate them - to show them. But there were things that even their old master did not have the stomach for.

There were places he would not go. A place where his reach had ended, she had run to it - to avoid his grasp, his sentence of death. It should have said much for the place she had to go if even the likes of Snoke would not pursue her there. A place where the darkness between the stars pulsed and moved of its own accord... Where the Force was not tethered to an alignment. Pure. REAL power. She never expected to find it, nor did she think when she reached out to take it that it would reach back. It came at a cost. A cost she had paid for him... For Ben. Like she always had. But, it was time for him to settle his own debts. Of which, he had many.

She allowed herself to be seen at last, a specter in his mind. She wore his memories of a time when she had been younger. Whole. Dark hair pulled back in an elaborate braid - a task that he had performed for her a small handful of times. She never forgot the feeling of his fingers moving through her hair, the way he would twist and loop - things he had learned from watching his mother. She regarded him with her eyes. They color of spring grass. Her skin, though still pale, did not bear the marks of her tribulations. Her youthful, feminine frame wrapped in dark hides - like she had worn during their missions together. She settled into the seat beside him, her expression soft as she considered him for a long moment.

Every time he reached for Rey, or that wretch's heart searched for him, she could feel it. Like insects caught in a web they couldn't see. Dependent on their eyes, their limited knowledge. A burden she was free from. A happy accident. She couldn't have planned it better if she tried, dragging him through some of her darkest memories as if she had pulled him through a field of burs. Their consciousness snagged, catching on one another - ripping holes through the delicate barriers between them and burrowing deep in the morass of pain written in each other's soul.

They were connected. Not as he was to the little light witch but it was real nonetheless. Through him, she could see the fate befalling his precious scavenger, feel the echoes of her pain. There was enough suffering there that she didn't need to interfere. There was a hand of darkness spreading over Rey and it was not of Vysera's influence. It did not need her meddling presence.

It seemed Fate was about to teach her a lesson - all monsters are men. A cruel method of instruction but as she saw the flame hair of the man who had observed Rey at the ball - she knew that it was not a lesson to be learned quickly. He had her now. A man closed to the Force, caught in its current but unable to feel it, to control it... Was it the burden of all who could not see the Force? To be driven to madness, hungering for something that could never fill their empty, aching bellies? A power far beyond the imaginings of their mundane comprehension.

"She runs to him. Seeking comfort." Vysera murmured softly. She shook her head. What a fool!

Rey's suffering was a beacon. To them both. For Ben, she could feel it was of a nurturing sort. He craved her, needed her. He was desperate to be with her once again - a sickening thing to witness.

Had he ever felt this way for her? Or had her sacrifice been in vain? Did he think he had been the master of his own fate? What hubris! But for her... It pinged like a beacon on a map - it called to her. Not like it did for him - an urgent call for help. More like the coordinates for an orbital assault. A high value target. And Ben was... Desperate. So desperate, so sick with misery that Vysera could feel it lapping at her own mind like brackish water, like the tears threatening to fall from his glistening eyes, on a mud slicked bank of a diseased river.

"It cannot be undone. They've taken something from her. And through her, they have robbed you." Her head lolled to the side, looking up at him from dark lashes as she extended her legs to rest them upon the controls - it did not seem to effect the instruments. Just a ghost. A figment of his imagination. "Do you think she'll ever look at you the same way? Or any other man, for that matter? Knowing what depravity lurks in their hearts, knowing each to be capable of administering this kind of pain, equipped with a weapon - an instrument of humiliation and degredation?" She stuck out her hand, splaying her fingers as she inspected her fingernails.

"She will know fear. Hesitation where before there was none. It will weaken her and there is nothing you can do for her... Nothing to stop her, even now pressing her face into his chest when it should have been yours... She thinks herself safe because she thinks that he doesn't desire her in that way... Do you think she's right, Ben?" She dropped her hand to her lap, turning her eyes back towards him. Her words were stirring the beast that slumbered within him. The rage, the hatred... The pain.

"Do you think she's safe... With him?" She pushed the vision away - whatever was to come next had no place in her plan. It was of little consequence. Their lives were already forfeit but for now, they were a tool, a sharp point with which to press to his throat. She shifted, swiping her legs off the controls and got to her feet. She crossed before him, slipping one leg either side of his own, settling herself into his lap. A presence only barely felt through the Force. She wasn't here, not truly...

"I think he'll take whatever scraps are left behind, like a rabid starving dog. He'll consume her. And the Order. You can't let that go unanswered..." She pushed her face closer to his, brushing her cheek against his own, leaning in to whisper in his ear, "You know he's a sadist... I've seen it in your mind, the way he lusts for power... You know there's only one thing he cares about. Truly cares for..."

She sat up, hands settling on Ben's shoulders.

"Vorkenna. Help me destroy it. He styles himself an Emperor of the First Order. But you... You are a god. Transcending the superfluous titles and ranks of their little game. Show them all that you are more than the 'Supreme Leader'... Show them what it means to take something that doesn't belong to them! Show them what real power is! Let them see how small they are. Together, we can show them their place."

She caught his chin, her fingernail pushing gently into the soft flesh just behind the bone.

"Together. Because as long as I am with you... I cannot be with her. As long as you remain with me, they'll be safe." She nodded very slowly, eyebrow perking as her lip curved into a smirk. "Yes. They. You know of whom I speak."

She reached up, pushing his disheveled hair back from his face. A surprisingly tender gesture, her fingertips skimmed gently along his skin. Her expression softened, her eyes growing misty.

"As long as you're with me... I can keep you safe." Her voice wavered, fingers smoothing over the scar that Rey had marked him with, the split in his lip, the soft bruise blooming on his skin. "They've hurt you..." Her hand drifted downwards, brushing over the material of his tunic - tracing the lines of punishment that the resistance pilot had administered. She shook her head, getting to her feet, holding her hand out to him.

It was a modest shuttle but it still had amenities.

"Come on..." She gestured for him to rise. She caught her lower lip between her teeth, unable to look at him as if it was... Painful. Something felt like it was crumbling in her chest. Pitiful, aching mess... She was above this. She was. And yet a glance at his countenance had her swallowing painfully around the lump forming in her throat.

"You should bathe. You used to always feel better after you bathed." Her tone was soft but firm as she sank back down into the copilot's chair, fingers falling to her lap. "I will watch things here." There it was again, that waver in her voice like a flag waving in the breeze. Her memories took her elsewhere for a moment... She used to comb his unruly hair after some of those moments... Gentle, soothing strokes as his temper cooled. For whatever they were now, it could never erase the fact that they had once cared for one another, genuinely. What she wouldn't have given to join him now, to help scrub away the impurities. Her poor Ben...

She couldn't bear to look at him now, turning back to face the gleaming panels of the cockpits, the stars gliding past. Vorkenna was still hours away. And The Ordinance... Perhaps still hanging in orbit like a dark moon or perhaps the false Emperor had finally decided to outstretch his hand with the burgeoning power of the First Order at last doomed to dance at the jerk of his fingertips and had finally decided to test it out. What would he do first, she wondered?

~

Hux couldn't remember a single touch of kindness until this moment. He was not trained for shows of sentimentality, even from his birth. For every touch of embrace another father would lend their child, Armitage had been treated with a bruise. For every comfort he was bold enough to believe other children received, Armitage was given punishment. Sharpened into a tool. Forged in the fire. Eroded again and again by the merciless waves of the First Order. The very seeds of darkness surpassing all else that might have influenced his progression.

He had not expected her to come to him, to lean her head against his chest as she did now. He would have guessed it to be some affront or attack had they been in any other situation. Yet he knew... he could mark her shuddering sobs, her staggered breaths. Her face pressed against him. He had promised her hell, and through unprecented means that even the likes of him had found repulsive, he realised... he had achieved his goal. He should have felt a degree of acomplishment. He should have been smug. Her icy, dripping hair rest against the beating of his heart within the tight confines of his chest. He didn't feel anything at all except for the unfulfilled promise of a tenderness he had long forgotten. A familiar numbness. A solemn chill made battle with the touch of gentleness.

***

An unfulfilled tenderness. A familiar numbness. A solemn chill that mad battle with her gentle touch. This was what he could detect, translated in the stiff body of Admiral Sloane his weakened arms had hugged. A living suit of armour- all that Armitage had ever known. She was a locked door with the promise of light beneath. Sloane’s palms lifted, somehow still a heavy gesture, to the boy’s shoulders.

“Armitage.” There was a warning in her tone, but Armitage couldn't listen.

His head was heavy, his sight washed by tears and unfocused. A splatter of thick scarlet blood which marked his nose, ran in a stream, joining his running tears down to his chin. His leg had begun to swell from the well-placed kick. Once he had lifted the lid of his emotions, it was impossible to close it once more, -to stop, to swallow, to speak.

“Armitage.” Sloane repeated, his name on her tongue was low and hard as stone despite her pulling him gently to her chest.

Armitage paused. Just for a breath. He used the brief opportunity to construct words on his tongue. Words wouldn't suffice. It was too much. Even for him.

“I’m not...” Armitage tried to slow his heavy breaths. He shook his head. His blood was making a red stain on her stiff grey uniform, but she didn't even flinch. “I can't...” It was hard to phrase anything at all through his heaving splutters and cries. “I’m not what they expect me to be.“ It came cascading out of him all at once. “I can't keep doing this, Admiral. Whatever I do, it isn't right. Whatever I do, I can't win.” He took a gasp for breath between the cascading words and sobs. “Tell me, Admiral, how can I succeed when I was destined to fail? Tell me how I can be what they want me to be, when my own father wishes I wasn't even born?”

Armitage felt the firm grip of Sloane lower from his shoulders to his arms. He was slowly detached from the mere comfort of a waiting body to cling to as she pushed him a pace away from her.

Armitage found the pools of his wide eyes, he hurried to dry them with the skin of his trembling arms.

“You will do great things.” Sloane promised him without hesitation, “but you will be the one to dictate them. Not the likes of Rax. Not the likes of Brendol.” The slightest softness crept into Sloane’s words, filling Armitage with a different kind of hunger altogether.

He had never known how much he longed for comfort until he was shown signs of it. He wanted more, in whatever form that might take, whether he could understand it or not. He had lowered his head, staring at his shoes, looking as guilty as he felt. Her hand came to his chin, and she raised his face until she was looking him in the eye.

“One day, Brendol will be a distant memory. He’ll live as a decrepit old man while your power will only grow from what you've learned.”

Armitage tried to imagine it. Even at twelve years of age, his father was a tower, a weapon that he was sure could never fall, that only others would collapse in his presence, and Armitage would fall the quickest. He stared into Sloane’s certain brown eyes and tried to stop shaking. He bit his lip to stop it trembling and tasted the familiar metal and salt of his own blood and tears.

“If they don't believe in you, Armitage,” Sloane said, “prove them wrong.”

She had presented him with a challenge. A way to convert his despair into rage and the familiar lights of ambition. She was gifted in spreading her strength. Armitage swallowed down the ball in his throat. He calmed like an ocean as she moved her hand from his face. He wanted to be held again...

“Admiral.”

A voice as sharp as a knife addressed Sloane from some meters behind Armitage’s small form. Armitage hurried to wipe his face with his sleeves, suddenly desperate to rid himself of any signs of shame. He knew that voice. It belonged to Gallius Rax.

“Don't coddle the boy.” Rax told Sloane stiffly as if Armitage wasn't even there. “You're not his aunt.”

“And you're not his father.” Sloane retorted. “But somebody needs to clean up Brendol’s mess, and you need to keep your damn child soldiers from doing damage around here.”

Brendol’s mess...

Armitage’s widened eyes narrowed to glare at her. So this was what she truly believed of him. Nothing but his father’s scraps for her to clean. He was a fool to think any differently. She was just the same as the rest. He felt Rax’s arm come to his shoulders. It was not a touch of comfort. It was control.

“Why don't we both go back to what we do best, pretend that this incident didn't happen,” Rax recommended numbly, “and I will take care of Armitage in the absence of Brendol. Do we understand each other, Admiral?”

Sloane nodded.

“Yes.” She answered. “But don't you dare let Brendol near him yet. He isn't ready.”

Armitage felt an unexplainable urge to reach for her. He did not want Rax to escort him away. He had seen what that man could do. He could be worse... sometimes far worse than Brendol...

“The boy and his father are not your concern.” Rax scolded her.

Before she could reply, Armitage was pushed along, without a choice, back the way he had come. He tried to turn, tried to see Sloane one last time before he rounded the corner, but Rax’s grip didn't loosen. Armitage didn't resist. He accepted whatever his fate and his place in the order would bring him next.

“I know you've been...tested today, Armitage.” Rax commented coolly. “Don't worry.” He continued, leading the boy down empty corridors of metal. “You have time. Time to grow. Time to learn and heal.”

***

He had grown, yet he was sure that he had never fully learned. One thing he would deny aloud and yet still he knew for certain: all the time in the world would never fully heal what was broken.

Yet the girl before him? Would she ever heal from this? Did she share the pathetic, feeble nature his father had ridiculed him for in his childhood? Hux would have liked to believe not; he had enjoyed her ferocity, found intrigue in her power as an individual. Could she not see it in herself? Just as Armitage once couldn't see the possibilities of what he himself could become?

He realised he had leaned against her as she had done, lifting his arms to hold her. To embrace her. He was indulging far too much in the contact and had even started to forget the icy feeling of her skin, the tapping of the water on the floor from her torn rags. He considered freeing her hands. He had the means to do so for any prisoner, just lying in his pocket. It was surely a great mistake and yet... had she ever actively attacked him?

Her cries were real. Hux recognised that much. His gloved fingers reached for the means of her release...

What was happening to him? She was filthy, even after they had struck her with the power of a hose. She was staining him again- literally and with empathy too.

Hux growled under his breath. He couldn't do this... his eyes were already watering again. Pathetic child. He knew she was such a one, but himself? He forced his arms to let her go, taking a firm step back, he raised his hands to make distance between them. He was not weak. He was the Emperor. If she were about to choose him as he had wished, he could not submit to her spell as a cost of the process.

Gathering himself, he laid a gloved hand against her shoulder to guide her slowly back the way he had come. The light would surely blind her at first. Hux was finding it hard enough to find the doors in the darkness as it was. He lifted his other hand to her eyes, just as the first light met them.

“You'll have time.” Hux whispered, leading her onward, to the waiting, blank faces of the masks of soldiers. He didn't mark their stares. “Time to grow. Time to...” he realised what he was repeating.

He had never healed. Why would she? Hux would nevertheless give her more comfort as a reward for the sign of her affection. The majority of troopers were likely in the area of the mess hall, yet Hux was sure to move quickly, looking over both shoulders. He hardly wanted to be seen. It would also pay to make sure that no squadron leaders were present in any place of the ship who could follow their progress. It was an odd realisation that passed over him that made him realise he was hiding from his own people. Hiding the intentions that surely the entire ship wouldn't understand.

The perfect opportunity danced before his minds eye. A way for her to grow stronger, as he had done. The perpetrators would be dealt with... and by her hand. He would build her up. Keep her controlled, but safe. Powerful, but only to serve himself...

He hadn't realised he'd reached his bedroom door until he had opened it, and given her a firm but not violent push inside. He couldn't question such a decision. He had no one whom he could trust with her life apart from himself. It wasn't quite as impressive yet as Ren’s chambers, but Hux would be sure to strip bare his belongings soon enough, and make the space his own. He would keep the door locked behind her. It wasn't like she could escape; he still had her restrained. Yet the thought of her still filthy, dripping form wandering over his spotless bed... Hux sighed in exasperation at his own insanity. Fishing the key from his pocket, he gave in, freeing her from her restraints.

“Take a proper shower.” He ordered her. He noticed her thin form. “You'll have food and water shortly.” He promised solemnly.

He didn't linger. He was somehow eager to flee from whatever reaction she would have, somehow fearing it- in case he had done wrong, in case she either inspired further kindness in him or ignited his fury once more.


	57. Chapter 57

Rey couldn't stop herself. Once she had begun to cry, it seemed as though she couldn't make herself stop in spite of her best efforts. She tried, desperately to hold them in, her cheek pressed against his chest as she choked against the growing need to simply scream. A mess of terror, anger, and shame... It was hard to feel where one ended and the next began - a ceaseless barrage of misery. She managed to refrain from giving into that urge, held it back with a fragile strand of... Dignity? 

 

Hardly that, she suspected she had lost all of that by now. She was supposed to be strong, unstoppable. The words only felt heavy in her mind, the weight of a burden she could not carry. She only felt feeble, weary, and foolish.

 

Rationality, or something as close to it as she could manage, berated her from a distance, through the haze of panic and her fear of loss. She didn't know how long she'd been down here, if she'd be able to find Ben or the others. Rationality that had her questioning why, even in the clutches of this turmoil, she had run to Armitage Hux. For comfort of all things, when she should have been finding a way to escape! 

 

Perhaps she could tell herself it was because she was cold, indecent and in shock. She could scarcely keep herself upright were it not for his firm and resisting frame to lean against let alone try to plan an attack. She hated herself for taking this moment for what felt as useless as self pity. It was several moments before she realized he had not moved, not even acknowledged her. She managed to get her breathing in check, her cries silenced as she tried to retreat within herself, preparing to try to move away from him in spite of the way her body trembled with fatigue and pain.

 

It was then that he lifted his arms to wrap around her. She inhaled sharply, shoulders tensing at the contact. She felt guilty for the relief that seeped through her skin at the contact - the warmth of his contact bleeding through the material that separated them. Traitor..... Betrayer.... She squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't drown out the twisting feeling in her gut. She heard the soft growl, he separated himself from her, putting distance between them. 

 

It should have been her... She ought to have pulled away long before she allowed herself to find relief. Weakness had gotten in. Spreading like tumors. How could she possible have gone to him? The author of this whole mess, whether by design or simply because... Because he hadn't let her go on Vorkenna. She felt the coldness creeping back over her, shivering once again, her teeth beginning to chatter in spite of her best efforts to keep her teeth clenched together. She twitched her shoulders, trying to move the remains of her dress so it settled over more of her chest - a moment before his hand settled upon her. He applied pressure as they began to move. Where were they going? She didn't know. She felt disoriented.

 

Her steps halted, afraid that he was directing her back to the cell. She nearly cried out her protest until she realized they had drawn nearer to stairs. Stairs she could barely see but with his aid, navigated them only just - he lowered his hand before her eyes. It took her a moment to realize why he had done so - even with his hand to help shield her eyes the light still stung. Kindness. She risked a small glance over her shoulder, nearly tripping on the next step.

 

_ ‘You'll have time. Time to grow. Time to…’ _

 

He never finished his statement. They had reached a hallway now and his hand had dropped away. He may not have noted the soldiers at their posting watching them pass, but she did. How could she not? She looked away, keeping her gaze planted on the floor. Every helmet was a monster waiting for their opportunity. At least, that is how it felt now. Her teeth ground together. She felt something smouldering in her chest. She drew her shoulders back, raising her chin defiantly. No. She would not be bested by two cowards in the darkness. She couldn't allow it. As soon as she was strong enough... She would be leaving this place. That couldn't happen if she was cowering in fear for every faceless soldier she passed.

 

Hux's pace quickened and she forced herself to comply. Her bare feet making no noise on the smooth floor as they navigated the labyrinth of corridors. Her sense of trepidation was only growing more sharp as she realized that they had made it to the block of personal quarters reserved for those of high enough ranking. Ben's room was not so far... If... If she could get to it - she could get the lightsaber and... Her thoughts trailed off as the door opened and she was pushed inside.

 

It was then that realization sunk in and her pulse began to quicken with panic. Sh-... He... N-no! She froze, still as stone where her step stopped after he had shoved her into his quarters. Had she strayed into another bizarre dream? Or was he about to open her eyes to a brand new nightmare? Surely... Not. He wouldn't, she told herself over and over. Aside from his... Hatred of her... Was it hatred? Had she misread him entirely? Her eyes were scanning the immaculate room, trying to think of... Of a plan... When she felt pressure on her numb arms, she felt the restraints unlatch and her breathing became more irregular. She sucked in a sharp breath between her teeth as her arms fell to her sides at long last. The pain brought tears to her eyes but she resolved not to show him anymore of her weakness. She reached up with resisting hands, fumbling with the torn material to pull the torn dress across her chest, crossing her arms in spite of the way they had begun to burn with circulation returning and being made to move.

 

_ ‘Take a proper shower. You'll have food and water shortly.’ _

 

She couldn't move. She didn't move. Not until she heard the door close between her and she was alone once more. His room was pristine. Order and perfection evident in the smoothness of his bedding. There was nothing out of place. Not a speck of dust that her eye could detect. No personal effects left out on surfaces. In fact, there was nothing left out of cupboards. It felt... Unnaturally tidy. Unlived in. She scolded herself for doubting he had ever even spent a night in this room. At long last, she made herself move towards the direction of his bathroom - each step felt a trespass. She made herself move faster, irrationally fearful of the drops of water she left on the spotless, smooth tiling.

 

She closed the door behind her, fingers pulling a flawlessly folded towel from the small shelving unit. Unlike when she had been in Ben's quarters, she did not let her gaze wander. She did not give into her relentless curiosities, avoiding even her ghastly reflection in the mirror as she passed it. She could not trust him, his actions only adding to the conflict when she had needed resolution. Not knowing was torture. She slipped out of her ruined dress, shaking fingertips working at the zipper she had once been so eager to undo in a fit of passion, Ben's presence so alluring, so intoxicating... It fell to the floor.

 

Rey activated the shower, turning the temperature as far up as she possibly could. It hurt to stand beneath the jets of scalding water but she endured it, scrubbing mercilessly at her skin until it was pink and nearly raw. She couldn't be sure when the tears had returned, nor whether they were from the pain of the shower itself or from the place where her mind took her. Darkness threading together, weaving and twisting into a rope. A noose to slip around her neck. It stretched out before her, beckoning... She only had to reach out, wrap her hands around the tempting cord.

 

She blinked, staring down at herself in alarm. When... Had she sunk to the floor? The water felt only tepid against her skin, now. She stared up at the ceaseless cascade of water - trying to remember when she'd been enchanted by such a contraption but now she felt only numbness as she pushed herself carefully to her feet. She turned the water off, reaching for the towel. She wrapped it around herself. She stooped to pull her dress from the floor - it was far too soiled to wear, ruined where she'd sliced at it with CS-9874's knife, torn from those.... Her nose wrinkled in disgust, lip curling into a snarl as she seized it in her two hands. She screamed at it, as if the material had been the source of her pain and wretchedness. Fingers gripping the split fabric and tore into it. In a frenzy, she left it in shreds! Her chest was heaving with exertion that she had hardly been prepared with. She stared down at the pale remains, soiled and dirty as they were... She felt a pang of regret - for it had held good memories along with the horrible...

 

Hastily, she pushed the scraps together, shoving them into the bin. As if she could hide them away, forget all about it. It did leave a rather glaring problem. The fact that she did not in any way wish to be dressed in only a robe by the time anyone could check in on her. She made sure she was dry before leaving the bathroom, making sure she had wiped up any stray drops. She did her best to leave no trace she had been in there. It felt... Wrong. To leave any piece of her behind in... In his room. She half expected to awaken any moment, still trapped in her cell - a bizarre dream.

 

But, no. This was no dream. She slid open his closet. Like with Ben, his attire was ridiculously too big for her. She took one of his black shirts, slipping it over her head. It settled over her loosely. She searched for a pair of pants, unwilling to let a scrap of her skin be exposed after what had transpired. It didn't matter that she'd had to roll the hems up many times. She didn't care if it looked ridiculous. 

 

He kept his room at a temperature that surely matched his heart. Frigid, at best. She begrudgingly reached for his coat. It practically swallowed her slim frame, yet it was... Warm, at least. But for her feet that felt as though they had become as ice, she padded over to the neat row of drawers, withdrawing a pair of socks. There was something to be said for such uncompromising order - everything was quite easy to find. Void of personal effects or clutter.

 

She glanced around, looking for somewhere to sit where she wouldn't.... Ruin.... Anything. The bed was out of the question. The covers so smooth. She settled for the straight backed chair by a small table she supposed must have been a desk and hastened to slip the socks on over her chilled feet. She pulled the coat around her shoulders a little tighter. She was determined to keep vigil, remain alert. She wanted to investigate the room for flaws, a means of escape... But exhaustion settled over her, drawing her head down to the surface of the desk, her frame slumped against it.

 

~

 

When he saw her face, it was the face of his dearest friend who he had lost. Still young. Unscarred. He thought of his own scar. What it felt like when she had touched it. He tore his eyes away from her as he felt her regard him with her ghostly illusion. Another game. Ben was so tired of playing.

 

_ "She runs to him. Seeking comfort." _ Vysera murmured softly.

 

He closed his eyes, he tried to block away the image of Hux, approaching her crouched, half-naked body on the grime-covered floor. He had saved her. Only to control her further, Ben had no doubt of it. His skin crawled as the drumbeat of his heart fuelled the familiarity of his indestructible iron temper. He would not look. He had a strange wish to be blind as he was sure Vys really was. He couldn't weep without eyes. Nor could he be confronted with the sight of his dearest friend’s ghost, there to taunt him. He would wish for deafness too, but the loss of both of these senses would deny him his ability to observe and hear Rey again. He would see her again. It was destined...

 

_ "It cannot be undone. They've taken something from her. And through her, they have robbed you." _

 

The machines, the uniforms, the sick depravity that he despised in Hux, in all of them. A nausea passed over him. He would not look at Vysera... he would not allow her the satisfaction. A dark thought crossed his mind. He was a part of the Order. The head of it, even. What made him any different?

 

_ "Do you think she'll ever look at you the same way?” _

 

Ben’s heated blood ran cold. He didn't raise his eyes, yet he was sure she could see his expression nonetheless. Did she really find it this easy to read him?

 

_ “Or any other man, for that matter? Knowing what depravity lurks in their hearts, knowing each to be capable of administering this kind of pain, equipped with a weapon - an instrument of humiliation and degradation?" _

 

Ben shook his head, his wild wisps of hair falling over his lowered face. There was something bitter in that. Something personal. Is this what Vys believed of him and all men? Could she really compare his neglect of her to...

 

Ben stopped the thought. Of course she could. Perhaps Ben hadn't committed sins of lust, but his lust for power was enough. More than enough.

 

_ "She will know fear. Hesitation where before there was none. It will weaken her and there is nothing you can do for her... Nothing to stop her, even now pressing her face into his chest when it should have been yours... She thinks herself safe because she thinks that he doesn't desire her in that way... Do you think she's right, Ben?" _

 

Her weightless hand met his lap. Ben could almost feel Hux’s steely look as if he were with Rey at that very moment. His sickness grew, his hands gripped the seat, as if he somehow believed it would help him block her out. Block Hux out. The day at the beach, the elevator. She loved him. She confessed it willingly, with such ease. She told him so. He gripped the chair as if it were her words.

 

_ I love you. In this life and every other, _ Rey had said.

 

Every other. This life was cruel. Ben would hold on, hold on to those words. To his lifeline.

 

_ "Do you think she's safe... With him?" _

 

Ben stayed silent. It wasn't a question. They both knew the truth. If Ben had a heart of ice, Hux had a heart of iron. Perhaps his silence would frustrate her efforts to pull him into her web, to make him tie himself in knots. Perhaps she would reveal more information if he just... let her talk. He could avoid her look no longer. Her legs came to either side of his. Her face obscured his view. He could hardly sit up from the chair, even with her presence being a mere ghost. He shook as his exhaustion battled with his will to fight, his hands remained balled in their usual fists against the seat of the chair.

 

_ "I think he'll take whatever scraps are left behind, like a rabid starving dog.” _

 

Ben thought of Hux’s screams of fury. Of what could happen when Hux was driven too far... or when he was given too much. He would savour anything that either Snoke or Ben offered him. He enjoyed it. He had a taste for pain. Perhaps not like Vys, yet Ben knew an odd delight was hidden in his rages. His slick, gloved hands grasping at Rey at the ball. Ben didn't weep. He would not weep for what wasn't lost. He would skin Hux alive if he had to. He would destroy the entire First Order if it was necessary.

 

_ “He'll consume her. And the Order. You can't let that go unanswered..." _

 

Ben knew she wanted a reaction from him. He didn't want to give her one. He knew she could tell enough simply by his eyes. He shuddered. Even as an illusion, a projection, she was somehow still cold. His breath halted as her lips neared his ear. " _ You know he's a sadist... I've seen it in your mind, the way he lusts for power... You know there's only one thing he cares about. Truly cares for..." _

 

She straightened a little, allowing Ben to take in a breath. He leaned back in the chair, trying to put some distance between them. Her old expressions haunted him.

 

_ "Vorkenna. _ ” She confirmed.  _ “Help me destroy it.” _

 

Ben stared at her. He was sure had somewhat managed to withhold the majority of his emotions that had threatened to send him into an explosive frenzy, but this? She was serious? She knew him once. Perhaps then he would have considered sacrificing a beautiful world to punish his enemy, but in this moment? All Ben wanted was to know that Rey could forgive him. Riches, enemies, tactical moves... it meant nothing at all.

 

_ “He styles himself an Emperor of the First Order. But you... You are a god.” _

 

Ben’s bewilderment must have been clear. Was this how she saw him? She seemed to flip flop from believing him to be an insect to believing him a god. Ben wanted to believe Vys to simply have once been his friend. Such a possibility seemed further away than ever.

 

_ “Transcending the superfluous titles and ranks of their little game. Show them all that you are more than the 'Supreme Leader'... Show them what it means to take something that doesn't belong to them! Show them what real power is! Let them see how small they are. Together. We can show them their place." _

 

Ben tried to turn away. It was worse than he could ever have imagined. This wasn't Vysera talking to him now. Vysera was a woman who listened when no one else would. She was a companion on lonely nights. She was a sister who he had helped, and had given him her hand in return, but this? Ben wasn't sure who was talking to him now. It sounded like Snoke. Vicious and slick and barely human. He wanted to avoid her eyes again, but he felt the smallest pressure below his chin like a blade. One of her nails was there. How was it that he could feel her when she had made herself air?

 

_ "Together.” _ She repeated,  _ “Because as long as I am with you... I cannot be with her. As long as you remain with me, they'll be safe." _

 

Witch. Ben thought he would be sick again. They. Leia's eyes pierced him. Could she still be watching? Even then? Ben hoped not.

 

_ "Yes. They.”  _ She confirmed slyly.  _ “You know of whom I speak." _

 

Whatever could she think of him to believe that he would let her blackmail him, toy with him like a cat and a mouse? He would not play. Her words entangled themselves in the restraints of his burning helplessness. She had dared to twist the blade of his grief and guilt in the wound he had already created himself. Yet the action was somehow alluring as she lifted the hair from his face, she pained him in almost equal measure to how sweet her promise had been. With every word he was insulted, frustrated and sucked into a lulling delusion. Her powers were so strong...

 

_ "As long as you're with me... I can keep you safe." _

 

Ben closed his eyes once more. He was so tired... he thought of her watching him while he slept some years ago. He thought of her killing their friends, opening their throats while deep in a similar slumber. Oh, what had she done?! And why couldn't have Ben prevented it?! If he had prevented it... then he would be by Rey’s side. Ben winced and opened his eyes as she trailed her fingers down his scar.

 

_ "They've hurt you..." _

 

As her hand passed over his recent wound that he had received from Dameron, Ben struggled to breathe as he had done when he'd first been given it. It was true that he had been hurt by those he now loved, yet it was far better to be hurt by loved ones than to be punished by his own personal demon that he had convinced himself to detach from any feelings he might still possess concerning his old, courageous best friend.

 

_ "Come on...” _

 

Ben noticed she had stopped watching him with eyes he wasn't sure she really had. She had turned away, yet her hand was outstretched. Ben would sooner attempt to sever it from her body than take it.

 

_ "You should bathe. You used to always feel better after you bathed."  _ She came back to the co-pilot’s seat.  _ "I will watch things here." _

 

He was at least relieved to see her efforts slowed. He gazed at her back, at the plait of hair he sometimes threaded or fiddled with himself. The raw power of his frustration did battle with his hopelessness. What was there to say? He was sure that he could neither hurt nor heal whatever sat in front of him.

 

“I don't even know who you are.” Ben confessed aloud. It was barely a whisper. Even his voice was evidence as to how tired he was. “You're not Vysera.” He continued. “Vysera had care enough in her heart to do far too much for me.”

 

He found a waiting towel. Even if he could convince himself that she was not the friend he once knew, she still understood far too much about his behaviour, his habits, what blades would accurately pierce the chinks in his armour.

 

“I don't know who you think I am, but I'm not Kylo Ren.” Ben added. His voice had grown a little louder, defiance finding him once more. “I don't want revenge and I will not be your hound.” It helped to say it out loud- to enforce it in his mind. He pushed away his frustration at Hux. “I just want her... and my mother... safe. If that means I have to end this, to end us...”

 

He wouldn't hesitate? No use pretending that. He had already hesitated and he was sure she knew it.

 

“Then I will.” Ben concluded.

 


	58. Chapter 58

He was doing a remarkable job of resisting her. It was stoking the coal fire of her ire, burning deep below the surface. Vysera worried for a moment that it would be her temper that would be the first to break. This... This insubordination could not be tolerated! He thought he could resist her? Deny her? She was so careful to construct her words into pointed weapons! She had been certain that they would work! He couldn't have changed so drastically... From the moment they had met, they had spent every day together. She KNEW him like no one else possibly could!

It wasn't until she likened him to the rest of the fraying tapestry of the First Order that his expression had changed. She could feel his revulsion. At them. His doubts about himself. She found her expression was somewhat flat as he shook his head.

"Oh, yes." She snorted. "All men. Even Snoke. You're just lucky that the child born of the Vader line was a boy and his wandering eye had no interest in such things." She ground out. She knew that he hadn't the faintest notion of the high price of being Kylo Ren's lieutenants. The price she paid to be Kylo's right hand. He may have been the Master of the Knights of Ren but there was a power higher than his own that had demands of his own. She continued on, past the revelation that would have been painful years ago but now was little more than one of the many faded scars that marred her flesh. It was easy to dismiss it now, knowing that those particular misdeeds had been paid for when Ben took their master's life.

She pressed on, determined to get a rise out of him one way or another. She watched as his hands tightened on the chair. How desperately he tried to push her away. But he couldn't, could he? They were one and the same, she told herself with vehement, sadistic triumph. They had always been one. They would always carry a piece of one another.

She propositioned him - Vorkenna. A target that would hurt Hux, hurt the First Order... It would destroy the symbol, the challenge they had just presented the galaxy. It had to be done. And yet he stared at her with disbelief. Like an idiot child. Didn't he understand? He would never be free so long as the First Order existed. It was a beast that had been fed too much, grown too large. There was too much organization. If he relinquished control, another would take up the mantle. The traitorous General was proof of that. She couldn't even begin to fathom why he had let such a creature live. The old Kylo Ren would have not tolerated it. That General would have been dead long ago. For a moment she almost blamed herself - for not having been here. But what would that have done? She would still be bloodying her hands for him and he would blindly proceed as if it was his own efforts carrying him thus.

She saw his potential. She knew what he could be capable of. If he proved himself loyal enough, she might even take him to the edge of the abyss... Share with him the knowledge she had learned. She tried to appeal to his ego but he only looked at her with bewilderment. She continued, determined to make him see. Appeal to him on behalf of the safety of the others - she could be persuaded to allow that stain to live, his mother, even - if he would but give himself to her! At the thought, she thought for a moment she could see a glimpse of Leia's brown eyes... Searching. Only for a moment and she was gone. The woman she'd seen on the holo-coms with Luke when she had stayed awake past curfew, sneaking around the Temple like a soundless shadow.

She promised to keep him safe so long as he remained with her. His eyes closed to her words. She could see the exhaustion written on his features. She would have wept with laughter if she had been capable of it. She was tired, too... This whole damn galaxy was weary. When had it never known conflict? She knew of no such time. Her hand smoothed over the place she could feel his pain radiating the strongest, a strange pulsing tangle of internal injuries - a shadow in her unnatural sight. His breathing changed as her hand smoothed over it. If she had gathered a few hundred bodies, she might have been able to heal him from where she meditated. But the harvest she had gathered was only enough to sustain this projection with limited physical capabilities. Aside from that, she had not fully decided if he was worth the effort.

He didn't take her hand. She offered him a slight shrug as she settled into the co-pilot's chair. There would come a time he would learn better than to refuse her assistance.

‘I don't even know who you are.’

She felt her eyes narrowing, her expression growing murderous - her carefully constructed façade of his old memories was starting to slip. How dare he! If anyone had changed, it was him! Somehow more simpering now than when he had played Snoke's lapdog! She let out a low hiss, her own hands tightening their grip on the chair this time.

‘You're not Vysera. Vysera had care enough in her heart to do far too much for me.’

"That's the problem, isn't it? I did too much for you! Protected you for too long!" She spat, venom rising to the surface. The ugly truth resurfacing like the wasted remains of a corpse in still water. Her visage trembled, her projection wavering, shadows of her real self fading in and out as she struggled to maintain her temper that was rapidly boiling out of control. "Spare the rod, spoil the child....." She growled, following him as he made his way from the cockpit.

‘I don't know who you think I am, but I'm not Kylo Ren.’

"You don't say..." She muttered, her voice losing the soft soprano tones she had spoken in when they had been young. Her low, smooth alto tone sounded dangerous. His own voice was raising with defiance. Something she would have to correct. Already her mind set itself to the task of devising a punishment for his further transgressions. He had slipped into the hygiene chamber and she leaned her back against the door.

‘I don't want revenge and I will not be your hound.’

"No? I'm sure your unshakable morals will comfort her when she loses more and more pieces of herself." She hissed, slamming her palm against the door - it rattled with the force of her blow, a blow that shattered the marble floor she was truly sitting upon. "Force knows it's been a GREAT comfort to me!" She howled.

‘I just want her... and my mother... safe. If that means I have to end this, to end us...Then I will.’

He would die for them, would he? Is that what he would threaten her with? Of course he would... Only after she had taken their lives, first! But he was a romantic fool. For a moment she felt fear. Would he seek escape in that cubicle? She turned, pounding on the door. She tried to push her way in - her view of him was fading. Desperation found her tearing to her feet, grabbing the squalling baby from its mother's arms - she spent its life, spilling its hot blood to fuel her powers but all she could hear were its pained squeals and its mother's sobs, begging, pleading... No! NO!!! She screamed her fury, pacing the room.... What was happening?! He was not strong enough to push her out like this!

~

Her subconsciousness had taken over as her waking self collapsed in defeat - her damp hair forming a dark halo on the small table where her head had come to rest. If her mind had been capable of thought, she would undoubtedly have been thinking of Ben as she often did before sleep ran away with her recollections. As she fell into the welcoming arms of slumber, that of her heart and soul awakened. Burdened as they were, it was hard to imagine finding a dream in the darkness that settled in her mind.

It was not darkness of the Force. It was not malevolent. Simply. Peaceful. More akin to the sweet release of death than it was a twisting, writhing monster clawing at her with vicious talons, infecting her with guilt and misery. It was not her mind that directed her at this time. No, her mind was fragile - fraught with uncertainty, wounded and fracturing with her conflict. It was her heart, her soul... Her very being that carried her forward. Guiding her, following something that was familiar to her. A faint coil of light, beating gently like another pulse. It echoed her own. She was drawn to it, carried on a tide of everything she had tried to keep locked within herself. Everything she attempted to deny herself while she had been awake flowed from her now. A torrential storm, a downpour of emotions. Ones that she found reflected back at her in someway she could not quite explain only that it felt like another part of her own self.

The light had grown, turning to what she could only describe as a 'fresher compartment. The craft was... Not of the First Order, she realized. She took small steps, turning around in fascination of the place where her dreams had carried her. Had she even seen a craft such as this? Where had her mind conjured this image from? A small sound of surprise escaped her as she realized she was not alone. It only took the space of one heart beat for her to recognize the dark form that dominated the space in this small bathroom, holding a towel and staring at her with as much surprise as she felt.

"Ben!" She threw her arms around his neck, unable to refuse herself the comfort of his touch, even if it was just a dream. She closed her eyes, inhaling deeply as she drew in every detail she could possibly manage. She drew her head back, fingers pushing his dark hair out of his face, noting the bruising on his face, the split in his lip. Her dark eyes grew misty, realizing that her mind was pulling reference from the last time she had seen him... That dream of him with Poe... No. That was a nightmare... She shook her head, her hands moving to smooth over the back of his head, fingers smoothing gently through the fine tangle of his hair, pulling him closer as she planted kaleidoscope of soft kisses over his face as if she could replace those painful moments with more pleasant ones. The collision of her body with his pushed him back against the modest cabinetry that housed the small sink.

She pulled back a fraction, her arms slipping down to encircle his waist as she tilted her face back to study his own, a small dopey smile on her lips as she blinked up at him, her expression belying her utter adoration of him as she took in his features. There was no place for guilt and horror in this dream, she decided. Seldom did her dreams deliver her happiness such as this. Plagued often by darkness and grief. She pulled her lower lip between her teeth as her gaze became... She felt a faint blush creep across her cheeks as her fingertips moved to the fine fastenings at the neck of his tunic - fastenings she wouldn't have known existed but for the time she had borrowed one. This resplendent visage of him offered no protest as she slipped her hands down to the hem, rolling it up gently up his torso, taking care. Her lips parted, gasping at the bruising that marked the side of his chest. She discarded his shirt, shaking her head, tears pricking the backs of her eyes as her fingertips traced the damage dealt. Why? Why did this... She drew a small breath as if to gather her courage.

Surely... Surely there was no harm in... She leaned closer, feeling a boldness she would not have permitted herself so lightly during her waking time. After a moment or two, her lips following the path her fingers had taken just moment ago, pausing as she realized she had made it to her knees, her lips hovering at his waistline. She froze - something clamoring for her attention, beating her heart relentlessly. She shook her head softly, resting her forehead against the smooth pane of his stomach, arms encircling his waist firmly yet no so firmly as to cause him pain... Could one feel pain in their dreams? They must do, she mused, pressing a kiss to the scar left in the wake of Chewie's bowcaster before closing her eyes against the tears welling in her eyes. The worst part, she realized, was that this dream would end... As they all did and she would still be thousands and thousands of miles from him and no way to reach him...

"I'm so sorry, Ben..." She whispered, barely audible with her face muffled against his warm skin.

~

He could hear her roars behind him, her pounding against the door like a creature let loose. How he wanted to scream back at her with all the pain she had built up inside of him! How he wished to break the tower, to spill the ink over the words she had written in his mind! How he wanted to tear the ship and everything in it to scraps and shards and pieces, even himself. He raised his hands and the towel to his eyes, despite her image not even being there in front of him. She would not follow him through that door. He had to believe that she would simply leave him, if only for a minute. Living so much of his life in loneliness, Ben was once sure that he would never want to be alone again, but if it meant that he could break free from Vys’ cage, if only for a precious, precious moment...

Covering his eyes did nothing. This was real. He reached to his ears and was about to cry out himself, when all the sound within the ship, within the galaxy itself it seemed, was shut out. He could only hear his own uneven breaths.

He knew this feeling. Being caught in silence unexpectedly.

“Rey?”

He paused. He scanned the space behind him after feeling as if a chill had settled along his spine but he saw nothing.

It was most likely a desperate desire surfacing in his mind. A trick of his own longing.

When he turned back, that was when her hazel eyes met his, watching him as if she had never even left. The sounds of his breaths stopped as it was joined with hers. Her hair was wet, but she had been cleaned. Ben didn't entirely process what heavy black clothes she wore until she had thrown her arms around him, and he felt the cool, oversized fabrics press against him, he spied the First Order insignia on the shoulder.

"Ben!"

She drew back, he noticed her gentle concern as her eyes settled on the aching bruise of his face. Ben hadn't had the time to see himself in the mirror. He, in turn, marked where someone had thrown a punch to her teeth. The dried blood of her cracked lips. She looked like she hadnt been given water in at least a full day. Her hands found the back of his head, her fingers running over his hair. He felt her gentle lips caress the marks of his face. His back met with the doors of the cabinet. He could almost remember then, what it had first felt like for him to stand with his back to the elevator doors. Was this all some hallucination? Perhaps a special torture that Vys had conjured. He couldn't even care. Rey was there and she had welcomed him with kisses. That was all Ben needed. He lifted his hands to her back, then to her arms and waist as she held his.

She was smiling. Smiling! How could Ben even come close to forgetting how it had felt when she made him smile? Yet he couldn't find such a smile now, even though he longed to. Even though he was aware of how little time they must have, unless this was somehow a vision of a heaven they had both managed to pass into. He was almost envious of her ability to smile, in spite of everything. Did she believe this to be real?

He let her reveal his chest. Pulling away his shirt. Her eyes scanned the bruising Dameron delivered him and Ben’s heart swelled at the sight of the tears in her eyes. He lifted a hand to her face.

“It's nothing...” Ben began to assure her in a whisper.

The signs of her grief could pain him far more than Dameron’s blows could have. He knew she was in a state which was far worse from how he had been treated, hidden behind the shell of Hux’s black clothes. Ben tried to swallow the lump in his throat at the thoughts that crossed his mind concerning Hux and his possession of Ben’s living heart. Rey had enough heart for the both of them. She knelt before him, her lips skimming over the marks. There was no hesitation in her movements. Truly, Ben could believe that nothing had changed between them.

"I'm so sorry, Ben...”

Her face pressed against his stomach. Ben gulped, trying to stifle his tears. She couldn't... she shouldn't ever apologise. The reason for the entirety of the situation, of both their pain... it was all him. The Order, Hux being alive, Vys’ return, the resistance’s hate, it was himself that had done this. All of it. He was the orchestrator of their pain. Even with the evidence that Rey’s feelings towards him hadn't changed, he was certain that he didn't deserve her forgiveness.

“No...” He breathed, unable to hold captive his tears any longer. “No, Rey...” he continued, “it’s me. I... I did this.” He confessed. He felt his knees weaken. He knelt in front of her, his weeping fast becoming cries, like a newborn baby. “I did this.” Ben repeated. “All of it.”

He found Hux’s coat on her, carefully pulling it from her form before taking her into his arms. His face buried between her neck and shoulder as he hugged her close to his chest. He was tempted to never even consider letting go. He realised that perhaps his passion was getting the better of him. Perhaps Rey had been made feeble by her treatment. The idea of his desire paining her was enough to force him to draw back again, but not before he stole a kiss, placing one behind her ear. He couldn't help himself. He ridiculed himself, remembering Vys’ words. Rey didn't seem to hesitate at the sight of him, but he couldn't simply throw himself at her after what she had experienced. Ashamed, he lowered his gaze and wiped his eyes.

He looked to Hux’s discarded coat. He didn't... he would never blame her for whatever sick things Hux was making her do. He knew the extents of that man’s ruthless enjoyment and the pleasure he received from the suffering of others.

“You've done no wrong.” Ben told her aloud firmly. “You never did, Rey.” He gathered his breaths, raising a hand to cup her face once more as he stared assertively into her eyes. “Don't you ever be told otherwise.”

She felt his hand on the side of her face, it felt warm. Real. She took a long moment to cherish the contact. These... These were the things that would sustain her, she felt. Dream or not, it was as close to him as she could get.

She frowned at him.

"It is NOT nothing!" She protested, fingertips barely touching the injured flesh. Had he been to the medbay? She realized that her mind was beginning to get a little technical for such an otherwise pleasant dream. "I'll just have to make them better." She asserted, her lips pressing against the bruises marking his skin as if she could erase them with her willpower alone. If only such a thing were possible. Yet, she told herself, that had been a nightmare and this was only a heavenly dream - surely he wasn't... The resistance would never... Surely they couldn't have done these things to him, truly. She wanted to believe it but doubt nagged at her, making her heart ache at the possibility.

It was then that she apologized, clinging to him as though he were her shelter in a storm. It sounded like wind howling, she could imagine mighty gusts blowing dunes of sand into flat plains - uncompromising grains stripping paint from metal... She was grateful they were here, inside, where flesh wouldn't be blasted from bone, leaving them as skeletal memories to be forgotten in the harsh glare of sunlight, bleached and brittle.

‘No...No, Rey... it’s me. I... I did this.’

She drew back, looking up at him with a furrowed brow. He sank, somewhat heavily to his knees before her. The motion startled her. It was then that she realized what she was wearing. Her heart flipped, her stomach churning. This... This wasn't a dream, after all! Her eyes widened, staring at Ben with no small degree of bewilderment. His tears were real. His voice steeped in pain and regret. She swallowed hard, frozen momentarily by surprise.

‘I did this. All of it.’

"No! That's- it isn't true!" She responded in a hushed whisper, moving forward at the same time his hands fell to the coat, pushing it from her shoulders as they reached for one another. His distress made her swallow her own, resolving to be strong. He nestled his face against her neck and she held him as he cried. She wanted to be solid. Real. She wished she could have been there in reality but she was thankful for this.. for the Force and for their bond that she could be here with him now, or at least as close to it as was possible. Her heartbeat steady as she planted several kisses to the side of his head, her hands smoothing over his broad back in soothing patterns. It must surely have been instinct, having never received such comforts herself. It felt natural, as natural as breathing.

He pulled away, but not before planting a gentle kiss behind her ear. She searched his face, her expression wording the question of why? He looked away, drying his eyes and she shuffled closer, hands catching his own and lifted them to her lips where she tenderly kissed each of his knuckles. His gaze had moved to the discarded coat. She released his hands, seeming to withdraw into herself, her teeth catching her lip. Ah, yes... That.

She didn't want to think of such things. Not while he was here, these precious moments together! She could only imagine how it must look to him. What explanation could she offer? Would he believe her? Truthfully, she didn't want him to know. He had enough burdens of his own. She drew a deep breath. She hated the very idea of keeping anything from him but he was already so weary... She knew that her suffering would bring his own and for that, she could not add to his pain. Would not! She refused. She would be strong. Invincible.

‘You've done no wrong. You never did, Rey.’

His tone was firm, his eyes boring straight into her own. Did... He know already? She did not pull away from his touch as his hand settled on the side of her face.

‘Don't you ever be told otherwise.’

She swallowed hard, unsure what to say. She lifted her hand to his, fingers smoothing over his.

"I-it doesn't matter. It's in the past now." She said, her voice sounding far more confident than she felt. She pushed closer, catching his face between her hands, staring down into his eyes with a startling intensity. A desperation, as if her words could make it true. As if she could will it.

"You once told me... To let the past die." She settled on her knees between his own, hands dropping to the sides of his neck, to his shoulders. "S-so..." She realized just how much of his personal space she was invading. Her eyes dropped to his lips. "You have to let go, too." She finished, somewhat lamely, her hands settling on the sides of his head, resting her forehead against his.

"Hold on to me, instead." It was almost a plea. She didn't know when this miracle would end. She didn't want to go back, she didn't want to exist on The Ordinance. She felt trapped and lost. And worse than that, she felt weak and useless. She couldn't help him from here... She couldn't help him even if she escaped if she didn't have a destination, either.

"Where are you?" She whispered.

~

It seemed no matter what he had done, what he had destroyed in his blind fury, how far he had gone for his own satisfaction; throwing her into the midsts of the hounds of the First Order only so that he might merely speak with her, selfishly removing her from every new home and new friend she might have made in his absence, only to reveal her, lose her to Hux and to have her life threatened by Vys... she still, nevertheless, deemed him worthy of her love. He accepted that he might not ever fully understand her devotion to him, but the fact it existed in the first place was more than enough to restore his faith in himself that he realised Vys had dried up: the source of a stream under a burning sun. If someone as good as she could still care for him, couldn't he learn to have a care for himself?

He nevertheless chided himself. What right did he have to weep? She was as strong as he had always known her to be, yet she was the one who's life lay in the balance. Vys would never kill him. Leia wanted him alive too... but Rey? She was caught between them all, and wanted dead or tortured into submission by the two most evil people alive that even the likes of Ben could summon in his mind. She brushed it all away so easily.

"I-it doesn't matter. It's in the past now."

He felt her hands meet his face. His eyes met the heat, the power of her gaze. Incomparable to how it felt to stare into the face of Vys’ illusion. Why was he summoning such a blasphemous parallel in his thoughts? Rey’s touch held no such edge. She was caressing and soft. Her eyes did not hold that lustful, devilish hunger, but he knew that look very well. He dreamt of it many nights. Her will, her graceful, unbeatable will was still ever present in the darkest corners of their history.

"You once told me... To let the past die."

She was so very close. He hadn't meant to present her with the distance of his guilt when they both longed so desperately to keep connected. He was surprised by her reference to his words. It seemed so long ago, when pushed to the edge of his grief, he had retaliated with sheer rage, wrapped in a solemn duty that he had convinced himself would free him. Despite his wrongs from this time, his sentiments hadn't quite changed as much as he wanted to believe. Letting the past simply die would be a release that he wouldn't deserve but still longed for.

"S-so...You have to let go, too."

He thought of when he had done so much as to roar at her in his desperation, pleading her with unskilled, ignorant methods to simply give herself over to him. Much like Hux appeared to be doing currently. It had taken Ben far too long to learn how his wish for it to be simple; for their shared path to either take one course or the other, had overtaken all else and made him foolish, arrogant and close minded. He nonetheless took heed of her. Of his own words. This time, she was imploring for him to let go. He would hardy refuse her request, if he could manage it. He tried to paint himself as whatever she might see in him. He couldn't picture it. He knew well enough that the past would not be changed. That if he were to convert back to his old way of thinking, he would consider it insignificant. Yet without memories to provide a context, a language, a journey of grief and poor judgements that he had made... how could he define all that he had learned, including exactly how he could love again?

"Hold on to me, instead."

She needn't ask twice. Ben already held her once more, his arms resting along her back. Their foreheads touched. No matter how far away she really was, he could still somehow feel the warmth of her skin.

"Where are you?”

Ben opened his mouth to answer. That was when he felt it: an intruding presence, a dark cloud coming over their isolated sky. It was nearing them. Nearing her. No... why did it have to be so soon?! Ben’s hands ran over her shoulders as the rhythm of his heart gathered pace with a pair of heavy boots somewhere outside from her that he could somehow feel, despite not being able to quite comprehend her exact surroundings.

Ben was unable to stop himself. He pulled her back to his chest.

“Vorkenna is some hours away. I'm heading back there...”

He selfishly held her tight, his face meeting her shoulder once more. How could the galaxy be so cruel as to pull them together for only so short a time? Still, in the matter of a fleeting moment Rey had already given him strength he was sure he had already lost to Vys. He could only hope he had done the same for her- that she was as strong as she seemed to him, even in the face of what had happened.

The pounding soles of the boots grew louder. Ben wove his hand through her hair, cradling the globe of her head on his hand. Her silken waterfall of hair had grown longer, he was sure.

There was so little time.

“I'm coming for you.” Ben vowed. “I just need to deal with...”

With Vys, first. He was sure she could somehow hear that thought, but how could Ben forgive himself for letting her alone with Hux in the meantime? He could hardly ask her to attempt an escape given the dangers, yet he could hardly demand that she stay put and wait for him either. Could Ben bear the thought of Hux possessing her over the thought of her being killed during an escape? He would have to. At least, until he or the resistance might help her.

“I'll come back for you.” Ben promised in a whisper. He was sure he had spoken similar words to her before. “But you have to go...”

Ben registered the heavy gait reaching a stop only meters away from her outside the door. He held her even tighter, he couldn't bring himself to even consider letting go.

“Please...” Ben begged her in a whisper, “hang on, Rey. Don't...”

He could forever see Hux pinning her down with slick, black gloves, red hair ablaze to match his aggressive state. His hungry, wolf-like eyes. Ben was sure that he had seen some of the worst that humanity had to offer in the intensity of that familiar look.

“Try not to anger him.” Ben corrected himself.

It was an utterly ridiculous request. One like Rey should never be forced to accept his despicable terms, even while under the swinging axe of his wrath. Ben himself had never yielded to what Hux wanted, why should he wish it from her? He knew it was primarily for the sake of her safety.

“I'll come to you.” Ben promised once more. He gazed longingly at the pink of her lips. “We’ll do the rest together.”

Back to back, side by side, just as it had been since the fight in Snoke’s old throne room. Almost engulfed in the relief of a happy memory, his signs of wavering joy were torn to pieces by another sound, another presence waiting behind her.

“You have to go...” Ben murmured, doing a terrible job of concealing his inevitable mourning in her absence.

He drew her lips to his, heavy eyelids falling shut like curtains.


	59. Chapter 59

Rey took perhaps far too much comfort in his embrace, his strong arms wrapping around her slender frame. Another reason she had failed so spectacularly at discerning the Jedi texts and absorbing any of the wisdom they may have contained. She was too separated from their ideals - forsaking all attachments for the sake of enlightenment? She was certain that no form of enlightenment could match the clarity and strength of resolve as... As their love. Love was not restricted to boundaries and meeting set criteria. It was complicated, yes, she knew there... There were questions for which she could not answer with anything but forgiveness. How she could tolerate the sins on his hands? Questions she knew the resistance would like to ask. She swallowed hard, thinking of what Poe had done, arms tightening around him as she held on to him as the very lifeline he was.

She asked him where he was, her hands greedily smoothing over his shoulders, through his hair - desperate to take in as much of him as she could, fearful for when this meeting might end that the sea of chaos she had been thrown into would drown her. It had threatened to consume her, to put out the light within her, to deprive her of hope. She was ashamed - vowing that she would not let it do so, again. She would be strong, unshakable if not for her own sake, at least for Ben.

He paused. She could feel it, too. She shook her head, hands catching the side of his face, willing him to answer her before it was too late - to focus on her. Her lips mouthed the words her voice could not bring life to 'Don't let me go'. She was pulled back into his chest and she settled her forehead against his shoulder, determined that she would not let herself cry. There had been too many tears, tears could not save them.

‘Vorkenna is some hours away. I'm heading back there…’

Her heart beat faster. Vorkenna! Yes! She felt delirious with a sort of manufactured sense of hope. She didn't think that The Ordinance had pulled out of orbit as yet... She could... If she could just make her way there to meet him! But in only a matter of hours? She would have to work quickly... She felt his head rest against her other shoulder and she nodded her acknowledgment. She gave into the sensation of his fingers moving through her hair, the warmth of his body against her own - she could hear footsteps approaching just as he could. She didn't want to go back....

‘I'm coming for you. I just need to deal with..’

Vysera. No! She shook her head, eyes widening. She was a beast! A true monster!

"No... No! Ben, not alone! Let me help!" She whispered, frantic - desperate for him to understand! She was too dangerous! She couldn't bear the thought of him facing her down without help! Without her! She had faith in him but she was not blind to the fact that he was not... Invincible. He was tired, injured...

‘I'll come back for you. But you have to go…’

She shook her head in protest, her eyes burning in spite of her earlier attempt to remain somewhat stoic or at the very least, dignified.

"I don't want to go back... Ben! Please!" It was cruel of her. Words that would surely rend his heart as they had torn into her own. She didn't want to return to that dark, cold room. Already she could see it beginning to fade in at the edges of her awareness. She didn't want to leave him, this small compartment awash with a gentle glow, his warmth... How could she return to that? To the presence hovering outside the door... In moments he would be there...

‘Please... Hang on, Rey. Don't…’

They clung to each other, hanging on as if it could make any difference at all to what was awaiting either one of them once the connection faded. As if they could carry one another through the bond if only they touched, held enough of one another. Hot tears lanced down her cheeks as she held him tightly. Her frame shook with the sobs caged within.

"No...no, no, no...." Barely more than a breathless whisper. She hated herself, this selfish weakness. She knew that he did not want to go, either and yet he was able to keep himself together far better than she was managing. She was making this unnecessarily painful and yet... If she were to keep it within, she feared it would fill her until the fragile shell housing it was destroyed.

‘Try not to anger him.’

She trembled, pulling back to meet his eyes. He was trying to preserve her with this sliver of painful advice, even from so far away.

"I will do whatever it takes...." She said solemnly, her voice wavering, thick from the swell of emotions catching in her throat. It wasn't exactly a confirmation to abide by his wisdom. His presence had helped to rekindle her stuttering flame, bringing warmth and fire back to her darkened halls. Heating the confidence and the will that had been left in that cell, stoking the tiny embers she had taken with her. She couldn't agree to anything that would compromise a way to him if she saw the opportunity. But she could assure him that nothing would stop their reunion if she had anything to do with it.

‘I'll come to you. We’ll do the rest together.’

She squeezed his hands.

"Together." She agreed breathlessly, her eyes drinking him in.

‘You have to go…’

She shook her head for what felt like the hundredth time.

"Please -" The touch of his lips silenced her as he sealed her own with a kiss, she melted into his embrace.

~

She awoke with a start, the taste of his lips still on her own. It took her only a second to realize there was someone behind her. Earthen eyes tearing open as she kicked the chair back violently, it connected with something solid, as she seized the back of it as she turned, brandishing the chair as a weapon. Or a shield. The reaction was as much hostile as it was defensive. Paranoid as it was fiercely in the name of survival. A scream escaped her lips that was as much out of shock and surprise as it was a warning and a battle cry.

Her hair hung untamed, a dark frame down the sides of her face, feral and almost comical for all of her borrowed clothes making her seem smaller than she was. It seemed that she still wore Hux's coat in spite of the way Ben had pushed it from her shoulders in their shared dream - the connection. For a moment she felt the smallest seed of doubt, that she had imagined the whole thing. NO! It was too painful. That had been REAL and TRUE! She needed it to be so more than anything she had needed in her life before.

The stark black material made her skin appear ghostly pale in comparison, her bare knuckles growing white from her vice-like grip, clutching desperately to the chair. She had considered nicking a pair of gloves before she had sat down but had decided against it, unsure of how many of her allies, if any of her friends perished while he had worn them, giving commands to have their escape pods destroyed. The thought had made her stomach churn. As did the thought of inhabiting the clothes he had undoubtedly worn everyday he tormented Ben but those she could not do without. The chair trembled in her grasp as she took a staggering step back, colliding with the wall, finding herself in the corner of the room, her breathing ragged, the remnants of tears staining her cheeks.

It took far too long for her to realize who it was, wild eyes darting around her in panic as her vision adjusted to the dim lighting. Being torn from her love's arms and awakening so closely together was too jarring. She swallowed hard, pressing her teeth together, closing her lips into a grim line as she regarded Hux for a long moment, slowly, painfully slow, she set the chair down. Ben's words - Try not to anger him - sounding in her ears. As soon as she peeled her fingers free, her arms were crossed, her fingers clutching her own arms tightly.

"I..." She swallowed hard, her voice broken, unable to remain steady. So she made herself wait a moment, gathering as much of her wits and composure about herself as she could manage. "I didn't realize it was you." She admitted, unable to make herself move from the corner, unable to move the chair from between them as if it was an impenetrable wall that could possibly keep her safe.

"I'm s-sorry..." She added after a moment, jerking her chin towards him, knowing that she had struck him with the chair though she was unsure of where the blow had landed. "It seems I've a new fondness of closed doors. I'm afraid I didn't hear you come in." She could never feel safe here, on The Ordinance, knowing that would be undoubtedly others who shared the squadron leaders hatred of her.

~

Ben heard her protests. With every passing day, it grew harder and harder to be cruel- to accept the inevitable current that pulled them along different paths while their thread through the force still tied them together. He believed that he might still be able to find some numbness that he used to retreat to, some cold refuge that would save him from suffering further at losing her again so quickly. Would he... when would he see her again? He couldn't allow himself to even consider that it could be... it could be the last time.

His reassurances that he would return to her did little to soothe the two of them. He did as she had asked him. He held onto her, aware that their shared world was already splitting apart, the threads loosening...

‘I don't want to go back... Ben! Please!’

She quivered in his arms. Ben knew, she would be returned to the worst and most likely the most powerful man in the galaxy and his empire of steel. Her desperation was evidence enough of the trauma they had already put her through. Ben’s limbs had grown tense as his longing to hold her and his grief was stained with the deep sting of helpless rage. The usual warmth of her embrace was tainted by cold air. Wherever she was, it was cold over there. He tried to warm her. They were pressed as closely as possible.

He had to believe that Hux would get what was coming to him as soon as Ben got his hands on him. He would end it. He should have ended it long before, but now he had Rey. Ben knew Rey’s fire. He knew she would fight with tooth and nail rather than give into... whatever Hux wanted from her. Ben knew such an attempt was near to futile, but he still tried to warn her, to advise her for the time being to be as safe as she could possibly be until he might reach her.

‘I will do whatever it takes....’

He believed her. He recognised her conviction making a shuddering dance with her grief and desperation, like the tremors of an avalanche. It made him afraid. He could only guess the lengths that Hux might drive her, what his ruthlessness and sickening motives would do to her will to fight for the good and hope that Ben knew, through her belief, still lived in the galaxy.

He felt her hands squeeze his own. The time was close. He pulled her into the kiss. Despite the cold air he could feel around her, her lips were as warm and sweet as ever. He wanted to pull her even closer, but he felt nothing solid to hold.

He opened his eyes. She was gone.

“No.”

His hands grasped at the air again, as they always did when he had come so close. There was nothing to reach.

“No!”

Ben’s resolve broke apart as the flood of his tears sprung free like a burst pipe. He remained knelt on the floor, he hugged his own chest, where she had just been. He was glad that she hadn't seen him like this. That he had done his best to present something of confidence to her, however weak his facade might have been. Was Vysera still waiting outside that door? Could she sense Ben’s anguish? He blinked, his lower lip quivering. He bit it, hard, to force himself to stop his weeping and be strong. The action only reopened the split in the skin that he had received from Poe’s beating. Ben closed his eyes to shut out reality. It did nothing. There was no further escape after his dream, his teasing vision of her. If only they could crack the barrier completely! Why did the force offer them such relief only for it to wash away as a cruel hologram might, leaving them both in further torment?! Why must they both suffer alone? Ben choked down a sob. He wasn't helpless, he told himself over and over. He would help her. He had to help her...

He slammed a clenched fist into the metal panels of the floor, sending small vibrations like ripples in a pool around the little impact he had made. He ignored the thundering ache down his arm, the sting of clarity, he ignored his wet, scarlet knuckles. It was difficult to stop inflicting violence on something that couldn't feel human pain or respond with equal fury and frustration. Ben’s arm raised, he prepared to throw down another punch, when a sensation that was utterly foreign to him stopped him in his tracks. He couldn't do it. It was all so pointless. Every second he wasted in despair was another second more that Rey was captive and that Hux and Vys remained living and strong.

Vys...

Ben cursed. He realised what a foolish position he had put himself in. Leaving her out there, in control. What had she done in his absence? He remembered the chaotic, beastly roars he had heard from her when she had disappeared with the rest of reality. They both knew who Ben had been talking to...

“Vys?!” Ben called in his anxiety, he jumped to his feet, pulling on his shirt and ferociously wiping his eyes, he cradled his bloodied knuckles as he found the handle to the door.

“Vys?!” He called louder, as the entire ship made an unexpected jolt and he stumbled out of the room.

He couldn't feel her there. Perhaps Rey had distracted his senses.

He tried to be prepared for whatever might come. Such a thing was impossible.

~

Vysera howled her indignation - she could feel the warmth growing just behind the fragile door! Why? Why couldn't she break through? She screamed his name, spittle flying from her mouth as the rabid creature she was. Whatever work she had done, her progress on Ben was being unmade! And by such a foolish, fragile creature! How could that little... Wretch! That SPECK! He was such a fool! To... Crave Rey! To choose that! OVER HER! WHY?!

Vys had tasted true power... She was composed entirely of that power, now - the thought running through her mind like infection spreading through the bloodstream straight to the heart. She had been unmade... Over and over again. Each time she had been forced to give a piece of herself away, she been given something back in turn. She was the avatar of everything that he had told her he wanted - that which was dark and ruinous. The very thing he had once told her had made him feel at home! She had used their time apart to build that home for him, so the hearth would be warm and ready. But he was electing to ignite the fire of rage and jealousy rather than bringing that tiny spark, that glint.... that glimmer that she had once desired... Had once needed. It should have been a gift. But now it felt like a weapon. A weapon he was choosing to use against her! To bring her pain when she had done everything within the bounds of her capabilities to eliminate such a possibility! She had thought herself stripped of every weakness that could permit her to feel hurt - a gift she was beginning to feel an insatiable desire to share with him. Whether he wanted it or not.

If she had eyes to narrow, she would have. Instead, her focus only intensified as she bared teeth in an empty threat to his unseeing eyes. He was ungrateful! UNREPETNANT! How could she have possibly entertained the idea of forgiving him when these transgressions were so cruel! So HEARTLESS! Well... She would teach him the meaning of what it was to be truly heartless... Him, so foolish, replacing her place in his heart and his life.... Because, what? She asked him Because Rey was young, warm.... Flawless? Everything she had once been but was no longer? She trembled, vibrating with the hum of an infernal rage. Is that why it was so easy for him to turn away? She did not want to think him capable of being so base... So primitive. To crave something so bright, so beautiful... She was aware that she had traded away her own beauty. But that shouldn't have made a difference! He should accept her the way she was! Just as she had assured him so long ago - it didn't matter his lineage... Snoke's design, what his parents wanted... what Luke tried to create - none of that mattered... Just him!

Well... If he didn't want to accept the gifts she had given him....Why wasn't she strong enough to break their connection? She raked her hands across the panes of the metal door, nails digging in, rending the metal as jagged claw marks along its surface. It was insufferable! How DARE they? She growled, smashing her fist against the door once more. Frantic! Desperate! She didn't want to admit it but she needed him. He had saved her. Or at least, her recollection of him had. It was his face she had seen, it was him that she had reached for when she had been brought to the threshold of her capabilities and drug ruthlessly across into realms of new suffering she had never imagined herself capable of surviving. It was his name she had called when she had forgotten her own, when the agony had threatened to push her into insanity - it was the thought of putting her hand in his that pulled her back from the edge. She had survived because of his promise. They were Ren. They were one.....

The blood she had spilled allowed her to gain something of a physical purchase in his proximity. She would not waste it. She panted, the exertion was... Taxing. It would have been taxing for anyone, she assured herself. A feat that would have destroyed that girl, for certain! The thought brought her some satisfaction but did not quell the rising storm. It did not alleviate the growing pressure in her chest. She spun away from the door and retreated back to the cockpit, throwing herself down into the chair as she tried to settle her breathing. It was no use. She could not keep this contained. She wouldn't allow herself to be destroyed in the name of restraint. For surely, he was showing no signs of restraint with that girl in that room right now! She growled savagely, smashing her hands against the controls, swiping her arm over the many levers. She screamed at the console as if it could feel her pain, as if she could make it understand that which was threatening to consume her!

If he was so intent on rejecting her and the gifts she was prepared to offer him... Ignoring her sacrifices, denying her of her simple request of wanting... Everything that he had... Then he should have none of it! Mirthless laughter fell from her scarlet lips as she sabotaged the controls. If he survived... Perhaps she would see if he had changed his mind. If the order and privilege she had purchased for him at her own great expense was not what he wished for... She would see how much enjoyed the chaos and disorder she could quite easily bequeath unto him. She would make him beg... Crawl on his knees if he wanted to be free from the curse she would become to him.

She could feel the haze dissipating. Rey may have been strong enough to keep her out but she was weak! She knew nothing of endurance - the stamina of her abilities was pathetic. She was fading away. It was tempting to follow her... To chase down that thread that connected the two of them. To twist it into knots, pull it taut and strain it... Leave it weak and compromised. But it was not time for that. She gasped, pulling air into her lungs as she stared at the sparking controls. What had she done? What if he didn't survive after all? Her lower lip quivered for a moment before she snarled. It didn't matter she lied to herself. The ship pitched violently to the side. She could hear him calling her name... Just as it should be. She pulled herself away from him, from the ship - her presence dissipating as smoke from a snuffed candle…


	60. Chapter 60

Hux had swiftly equipped himself with a tray holding a glass of water, a portion of bread... the basic necessities, though he could have given her a lot more. He would hardly treat her. She would have to earn everything, as Hux himself had grown to understand that everything from pleasurable food, to a seat on the throne had to be earned. He didn't stop to knock on the door of his own room. He had given her enough time, and he would not be shut out of his private domain for the sake of her comfort.

Entering as stealthily as he could manage with a sweep of his cloak, he quickly closed the door behind him. It was hard to make his shoes soundless on the tiles of his room. A lightning bolt of panic struck his spine when he couldn't detect any immediate movement or sign of life. It only lasted a millisecond as his eyes were shortly drawn to the solid black shape, like a living shadow, slumped in silence over his desk. She was wearing his clothes... Hux supposed he hadn't expected anything less, especially since the bread and water he had brought did not come with a dress. He was further put at ease when he speculated the rise and fall of her back. Just asleep. Nothing more. He was sure that there was a lack of objects that she could use lethally on either herself or him, but he knew better than to underestimate the resourcefulness of a scavenger.

Hux set down the tray on his bedside table, making a balance on its small surface. He wasn't going to disturb the desk space with her lying upon it. He supposed it was natural for her to be exhausted. He was relieved that she had at least evidently cleaned herself beforehand. That much was obvious from the fresh glimmer of the cold light on her skin. He neared her, as if led by a string. He gazed on the elegant lines of her cheek, her jawline, partially obscured by threads of hair. She was truly a pretty sight when in serenity. He could make out the closed lids of her eyes and the fringe of her thick lashes. He stood for a moment, lost simply in the gentleness of her regular breaths. A strange envy came over him like the motion of a wave. He didn't know peace, and hadn't done for all of his life. Yet this was before he spied the crystal drops running over her cheeks, the subtle movements of her lips.

Please, she mouthed. Please...

Hux wondered for what she might be begging and crying. He didn't care too much for what was beyond his curiosity. He was simply enraptured by the bittersweet calm she seemed to be lost in. Hux's gloved fingers neared her cheek...

In an instant, the chair's edge was rammed against his ribs. She was on her feet, her fingers gripping the chair, she brandished it like a peculiarly-shaped shield. Hux staggered back a couple of steps, stroking the fast-forming bruise below his chest. His breaths gathered pace as he tried to meet her wide, wild eyes and remain still at her brief, shrill battlecry. He had surely been wrong. Whatever she had seen in her dreams was not peace. Her hair flailed about her shoulders as she found a corner, finally stilling, the chair still raised. Hux stared at her. Entranced and disgusted once more by that same feral savagery she had shown him before, only this time motivated far more by fear than anger. This was progress. The chair was slowly lowered as Hux stood tall, regarding this scene as if it wasn't real. As if it were some kind of painting or hologram. He was lucky to have put down the tray before she had awoken.

‘I…’

Hux glared, unable to hide a note of indignation in his eyes. The ache of the impact still strung through him. He would consider a punishment, but the fear she held was perhaps punishment enough.

‘I didn't realize it was you.’

Hux drew in a sharp breath. Who else could it have been?! But he said nothing. She was still young, still recovering. Hux understood the mirror of her features. He had seen and known it many times before, inscribed on a boy with red hair.

‘I'm s-sorry…’

Her apology surprised him as her trying to embrace him had done. Had she so soon lost the fire and passion that had made her both so difficult and desirable? Hux hummed quietly. She had been dismantled somewhat already. Now it was time to rebuild. The very part that he had waited with such excitement for. He gestured to the bread and water, welcoming her to them.

"You must never apologise nor show your fear to anyone again except myself." Hux began, scanning her like a large form of clay, considering what areas he might begin to sculpt.

"Many of my followers desire you executed. But they don't understand. They don't know you." Hux hid a small smile. "I do."

He came closer to her, reaching a hand to her shoulder. He was hesitant. She would still need to be tamed... Yet he was sure and hopeful that she wouldn't lash out at him now that she had her senses.

"You can show them." Hux continued in a low whisper. "Rey." He said.

Had he ever used what she considered to be her real name before this moment?

"That is what you call yourself, isn't it?" Hux clarified. "You're not Yera. You're certainly not KR-0117, no..." He wanted the name on his tongue again all too soon. "You're Rey." He repeated, as if he could possess the word, the name. As if it could be his... Forever. He came closer to her side. He desired so much to feel her warmth again now that she wasn't dirty.

He felt the blaster hidden behind his cape on his belt. The stains of where she had hugged him were all too clear in the harsh lamplight. He would have to change. Yet there were far more important, far more intimate matters to attend to. Everything had already been prepared before he had come in, but... Was she ready?

"I want to help you." Hux told her softly, he moved so he could feel both bony shoulders under his gloved palms. "I want them to know your name as I do."

He gently guided her forward, back towards the door, before letting her go and moving to take the lead as he opened it. He looked back at her alluringly. He wanted to pull her with him on a leash. Would she come on her own?

"Let's put an end to your pain, shall we?" He offered.

Surely she could not refuse such a promise, such a suggestion.

~

She had incensed him. His expression was at the very least... Displeased. She decided not to stare for too long at his face - rather like staring into the sun. Not soft and pleasant as the sun on Vorkenna that brought warmth to one’s skin... Harsh, like Jakku - sun that would bleach the color out of clothing, sear the flesh and leave one desperate for water to sooth the dryness in their throat. She mumbled something she hoped was placating but it seemed as much ridiculous coming from her lips as it must have sounded to his ears.

It was his room... It wasn't likely to have been anyone else. Yet, by some grace she did not understand, she refrained from pointing out how unwise it was to creep up on people while they were clearly indisposed. Instead, she mumbled an apology. Being trapped in Hux's room was different than being in Ben's. That, she supposed, was the difference. She hadn't felt trapped in Ben's quarters. Being alone with him hadn't deprived her of hope. It hadn't made her uneasy and it didn't feel as though Ben had drawn all the oxygen out of the room as Hux did.

Nevertheless, he gestured to the tray that he clearly must have brought with him. She tried to resist the urge. She didn't much care for the idea of passing him. She felt small, caged... It was a singularly unpleasant feeling. She thought of him, on Jira - drunk and murderous as she had been trapped in a room with him then, too. But her resistance ebbed, the need for food was too painfully clear. She was starving. She moved carefully, swiftly, crossing his path but staying just out of arm's reach. Unapologetically, she seized the bread and the cup of water each in a hand and promptly began to devour the bread, using the water to soften the crust as she ate at an alarming pace - a savage practicality that betrayed just how many times she'd been left hungry in her lifetime. How quickly food could be taken away. She'd learned fairly early on to not share her portions lest it become expected and thusly taken. She'd hated being small and weak. Tiny limbs that could do nothing when the others came searching for her portions. She'd worn the bruises of her ineffective protests. That is, until she learned to consume her food quickly before it could be taken and later... Laying traps or ambushing those who were unwelcomed.

‘You must never apologise nor show your fear to anyone again except myself.’

His words punctured the relative silence, previously unbroken with the sounds of her consuming the meager amount of food he had brought. It wasn't enough. She needed more. Already, the many days pulled together of a lack of food had weakened her and she needed her strength... She nearly choked on the last of the water - eyes widening slightly as he spoke. His words inspired an urgency to the beating of her heart. She didn't realize she was shaking her head, if only slightly. She did not like the way his eyes roamed over her. What, exactly, was he seeing? She wondered, at the same time, dreaded. She wasn't sure she wanted to know.

‘Many of my followers desire you executed. But they don't understand. They don't know you. I do.’

Her expression hardened. He knew her, did he? The very notion was laughable. He knew nothing of her. Not a singl- well, that wasn't entirely correct. She had shown him that she was capable of compassion and in the same evening he had shown her that it was surely wasted upon him. And yet... She pushed the thoughts aside, unable to bear the confusion and distress of sorting through the pendular motion of Hux's behavior. Cruel and kind, cruel and kind... If it was even kindness... Whatever the case, she was determined that he could not possibly know her and whatever he thought he might have known, he certainly did not understand.

Her eyes were certainly not wide, now. Not stricken from the harshness of leaving Ben's embrace to find herself cold and not alone in Hux's personal quarters. On the contrary, they narrowed a sliver as her jaw worked, lips pressed closed. Her grip tightened on the cup, it was metal... Unyielding to the pressure of her fingertips. It would not shatter if she were to smash it against the small table beside her. Her hand moved very slightly, wrist turning the cup. Unyielding had its purpose. Her other hand was moving slowly, too, fingers reaching for the lip of the tray. She had her choice of bludgeoning weapons, she just... He had drawn closer, his hand reaching for her. It took all of her nerve not to take a step back from his hand came to settle upon her shoulder. His hand felt heavy. Or was she simply that weakened from the lack of food and mobility?

‘You can show them.’

She didn't want the First Order to know her. She didn't want him to know her. She wanted no part of... of any of this! Whatever... This, was! She found herself wishing she was truly nobody. Nothing... If only she could simply... cease to exist. Scatter, disperse like the shifting sands of the Jakku desert!

‘Rey.’

Her name came from his lips in a whisper. She froze. She stared at him. H-how? She didn't want to hear another word. It felt as though the water she had drunk had turned to ice, sharp and impossibly cold in her gut.

‘That is what you call yourself, isn't it? You're not Yera. You're certainly not KR-0117, no…’

She suddenly felt stifled. Her eyes shifted to the door. Gauging, measuring... Could she free herself of his grasp, pass him and make it to the door? Would it open? Or had he locked it? Would the Force yield to her will if she had to -make- the door open?

‘You're Rey.’

She shook her head. As if she could persuade him otherwise. No. No! Her breaths were short. Too shallow to fulfill the needs of her lungs. She stared up at him, stock still under his touch as if by not moving he might forget she was there. It did not work.

‘I want to help you.’

His other hand moved to mirror the other - a gloved palm upon each shoulder. Whatever it was he was offering, she had no doubt. It was not help. She wanted very much to spit in his face, knowing that such an act would be entirely too barbaric. That he would be outraged, stunned for a moment, allowing her to smash the tray against his head and make a run for it. It's what she ought to do - to tell him defiantly that he better just put her back into that cell! It flashed across her features, only for a moment. Between one breath and the next. But what if he did? 

She hated that which was weak within her - the part of her that wilted at the thought of being back in that dark room, bereft of her senses. And what if he did just decide to have her executed? Would she be able to connect with the Force? Could she break free? Or would her story find its conclusion on an immaculately gleaming floor aboard The Ordinance - millions and millions of miles away from... From anyone... -The- one who cared about her? She couldn't let that happen. She couldn't leave him alone with that awful, empty feeling unfurling over him - the loss... What they'd felt when Luke had vanished... She could only picture him alone in that moment and knew that she could not leave him with the pain of that sensation.

She swallowed back the instinctive urge to maim and run. Whatever it was... Whatever game Hux wanted to play... She set the cup down, the sound of metal on metal was almost too loud in how small a space his room felt. She wouldn't let herself lose. She would survive. She would... She would win and find her way back to Ben. That would have to be what she clung to. No matter the trial, no matter the hurdles Hux wished to throw in her path...

‘I want them to know your name as I do.’

She said nothing, but the tension in her shoulders spoke plainly enough. As the slight rise in her chin and the grim line of her lips. He applied gentle pressure, prompting her to move a few steps back towards the core of the room before releasing her, stepping to the door and opened it. The sliver of light from the hallway cut into the room. She stared at it, almost blinding across the gleaming tiles - almost like a portal into another dimension. She wanted to run... Desperately she wanted to flee. She couldn't tear her eyes away, staring at the light on the floor - her eyes burning with the need to blink but she was transfixed. That is, until his voice broke the spell.

‘Let's put an end to your pain, shall we?’

Defiance was a dangerous beast to feed. She would have loved to make him drag her from the room - her limbs flailing in protest. How undignified he would appear, hauling a scrap of a girl from his chambers. It would be insulting to the image he was so desperately trying to build of himself. But she lacked the strength to make it last. Her shoulders still felt as though his hands rested upon them. Her struggle would be ended. Pain would follow in spite of his offer to end it. What did he mean? Was she to meekly follow him to her execution? Was that the business of all this name slinging? So her name would be a warning to others who felt dissent? Is that what he thought he knew? A deceiver? And interloper?

She approached him cautiously, standing the doorway she would have to cross closely into his proximity. She was not unaware of how bizarre it all was. Hadn't she clung to him for comfort only... A short time ago? And now she wanted to be any star system where he was not.

"You only know my name." It was barely more than a whisper under her breath as she angled her body to take less space as she passed through the doorway before him. A singular act of defiance. As if to remind herself she was capable. Once on the other side, she felt as if she could breathe a little easier without the dimness of the confines of his room. The higher ceilings, the seemingly endless hallway... His hands were no longer on her shoulders - she... She closed her eyes to the plan spreading out in her mind - that which saw her sprinting down the hallway, pulling free the grating and disappearing into the ducting... They would not find her. Slim, agile... She'd spent her childhood crawling through the skeletons of these cruisers... And without the Force, he would not be able to sense her.

She exhaled softly, planting the foot that had lifted at the thought. She shifted her weight to a standing posture - not one that was ready to take off. Survive, she told herself, survive. For me.... For Ben.... She opened her eyes, gaze settling on Hux. Or rather the grime she had left on his otherwise spotlessly white uniform - she couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze. Her hand settled on her hip as if to convey impatience.

~  
The ship careened sharply to the left. Ben came to the ship’s panel. There was no sign of life in the space around him apart from his own. He could, however, already see the sparks flying up from the wreckage that he hadn't made himself. It could only have been caused by her. Ben’s heart seemed to lift to his throat as he was slammed against the wall, the ship making another twist in the air. Finding his feet, he staggered in a precarious balance to the controls, throwing both hands on the centre sticks for support, he pulled backward with all his might, angling the nose of the craft upward as the entire structure began to plummet.

Ben took every second he was given. He scanned over the damage, assessing quickly. The second engine had been rendered inactive, throwing the craft off balance. The randomly altering speeds of the vessel was likely due to the malfunctioning potentiometer. Ben winced as he tore open flaps, half using the force and half using his own raw strength, cracking and bloodying his nails in the process, to reveal loose wires and cables hanging through open holes which he hurried in frantic attempts to reconnect, as mindful of the sparks as he could manage, his mind worked at a mile a minute to find the original settings of the levers and dials.

There wasn't enough time. The ship shuddered, preventing his work as he was flung on his knees, the structure was tilting heavily to the side once more. Ben gripped the center sticks again, heaving his weight back into the air. Something cold and pale as a moon was hurtling towards him from the window. He had only seconds to consider how he might land without losing his life on this mysterious planet. He was already plummeting into the atmosphere, the sky was a blur of waves and fiery heat mixing with the white of a deathly cold wind.

There would hardly be a way to control the impact except to guide the ship in with the wheel as best he could. This ship was not made to be piloted by only one person. Ideally Ben needed a copilot, even during the smoothest of journeys.

It appeared to be mountainous. Gigantic, desolate features rose up from the snowy mists. Ben would hit one of them soon. It took barely any calculation or consideration for him to realise: he was going far too fast. No way to slow himself... No way to...

Ben cast one look to the vanishing sky as a second-long thought was strung in the instrument of his heart.

If Han Solo had taught him anything, it was how to pilot, how to escape... Seemingly any situation.

Ben was back there, on Han's knee, his father's heart resting next to his back. Chewbacca at his side. Ben's wide eyes lit at the sight of those shining controls. His father let out a warm, loose chuckle, guiding his son's tiny hands...

The gravity hit.

The air was knocked out of him as he was slammed against the panel, his frantic hands slipping at the buttons and dials.

Please, father.

Ben begged in his mind, the flash of light and heat and fury and unbearable, cold, swallowing, fear swarming all around him.

Please. Help me. For Rey's sake. Help me...

In the midst of the chaos, Ben could sense the ground. Like a shot from a blaster, he stilled the speeding object. He hadn't realised his arm had outstretched, fingers splayed. He hadn't realised he had started to roar equally with the strength of his will and his mad rage at what had led him here. How Vys had led him here. How, in this moment, he would cascade helplessly into the bitter arms of death while Rey remained a mistreated prisoner.

No! He wouldn't allow it. His blood was alight, the world a hurricane. The Force... It hummed like a furnace... It slowed it down, just buying extra seconds. Not time enough. That was when the impact came.

Ben was in the air. Something smashed through glass. His skull collided mercilessly with something hard.

~

The abyss that was somehow familiar. His skin was numb. He knew this. This feeling. His body involuntarily shivered. He couldn't still himself. Even his lips trembled. Ben pressed his heavy palms into the ground, attempting to sit up. There was something... Soft. Biting. It crumbled between his fingers.

Snow.

Dread. Melting, hot scarlet in the corner of his squinting eyes. Sour, metallic, raw. The light was blinding. He was... He was back here? It couldn't be.

No. This hadn't been a hallucination... No, never. He had seen it... Lived it!

He loved her. She loved him in return. Years had passed, not hours. Not days. Not here, not again.

Ben shook. His spine was stone. He couldn't even find his legs to move them. The only sign he still had them was a throbbing wound. Some... Debris. A kind of iron rod was wedged there. Ben couldn't lift his arm to even struggle. To force it from the bone. A gentle sprinkling of cold stars kissed the skin of his face.

He was here. Somehow, he was. Starkiller Base.

He could even make out that firm shadow. That stony silhouette.

He knew the rambling words he couldn't hear. The searchlights. The distant fire. His name that he was so certain he didn't possess:

Ren.

A boiling pool in his side from where the blaster had hit. The loss. Tears that froze before falling. He glimpsed the red hair. A memory. A delusion. Gloved hands running over his scar. Ben tried to warn him. He searched for the light that Rey carried. She hated him. She must despise him. He would die...

He gave in. Rolling back into the piercing bedsheets of the harsh white coffin.


	61. Chapter 61

Finn stared at Leia with no small amount of disbelief.

"Didn't you hear a word I just said?!"

Poe was nodding his agreement with Finn even though his arms were crossed over his chest, his raw knuckles tucked out of view. Leia looked between the two and sighed. She looked even more exhausted now than she did when Finn had begun to tell her about his interaction with Ben.

"I did. And I thank you for your explanation but if what you said is true... There is no way I am going to just sit here and hope for the best case scenario." She was already getting to her feet.

"Le-... General Organa, we need you! You can't... We can't risk losing you!" Poe protested.

"That young man... My son... He is all I have left in this world, boys." Her tone suggested she was through with debate. Who else should a mother risk their life for if not their own child?

Rose looked up from the screens, eyebrows raised.

"We've got a signal ping. A few hours out from Vorke-" She paused, paling as Finn rushed to join her - his eyes widening. Leia stared at them expectantly.

"Well?"

"I'm reading multiple failures... He's..."

Leia took one look and she was out of the room, moving surprisingly swiftly in spite of her use of the cane. They rushed after her, urging her to slow down or stay put but she was not going to be swayed by their protests.

~

Though Vysera’s personal craft was as frigid as a snow covered tundra, the smell of death lingered. The bodies she'd drug, kicking and screaming, aboard her shuttle now lay as little more than corpse meat, their hot scarlet blood drenched her hands as she seized the controls of her craft. The price she paid to be able to place her 'eyes' upon him was growing steeper and steeper. An ever hungry maw, gaping with many sharp teeth and unbreakable tethers demanded to be fed. She should have brought more...

Nevertheless, for the meagre offering, she was allowed to see him - she could feel his power wash over her, rushing through her as his shuttle shot through the air like it had been fired from a blaster. He was going to crash. She knew she had done this... If he didn't survive... She felt the twisting pang of fear. And anger. She would not suffer his loss. He would fight to survive - he would do anything to get back to that quivering mess of a fledgling Jedi.

Her sleek craft split the dark sky - reflective, barely visible. She maneuvered the ship well enough. Without her sight through the Force, she would have never seen him. Never been able to chart a path to the planet that seemed to rise to meet his meteoric arrival. It was beautiful, like a falling star crashing far below. Yet it was not only her that had been drawn by his potential demise. Her scanners were detecting another craft speeding to break through the atmosphere. She could feel the flux in the Force, like heat waves rising from cooling engines. She brought her shuttle down to the surface some distance away. She did not need to collect his body.... A path extended before her, one that would grant her more pleasure than she would have ever guessed. A pity. Her pleasure could have been his own if only he had come willingly... But he was determined to show her his rejection and he would soon understand the sting of her ire.

She could barely feel the cold as she stepped from the ramp, boots sinking into snow as she made her towards her prey.

~

Leia froze, aghast at the mangle remains of Ben's borrowed craft. They hastened towards it, her expression growing more distraught. Rose was helping her, she could feel the woman's grasp tighten around her hand. Her own heart was thudding in her chest, panicking but endeavouring to hide it. For Leia's sake, she would remain calm. She swung the beam of her flashlight across the snowy terrain in the attempt to light the way in the eerie twilight that settled around them. There was a heavy obscuring fog that made it difficult to land particularly close to the site that their navigational instruments projected the trajectory of Ben's crash site.

Poe and Finn strode ahead, holding a stretcher between them - running in the powdering snow was just as difficult as running through sand. Though a great deal less pleasant.

"He's stuck!" Poe shouted, motioning for Finn to join him as they tried to analyse the least damaging way to recover his body. Two beams of light made cones of light in the frosty air as they investigated - the flames of the craft were not enough to determine all the details but they could see that Ben's eyes were closed, there was crimson on the snow beneath him - the heat from the burning wreckage served to melt the snow, turning the ground into a slippery mess of mud. Rose gasped, unable to help herself, she looked away and Leia released her grip on her arm.

"We have to get him out of there..." Leia's voice wavered. He had been thrown free of the cockpit. She feared internal injuries as well. She should never have let him leave! Her heart ached to see him in such a state. None of this was ever supposed to happen...

"Be ready." Leia said, raising her hands. Finn and Poe looked to each other, offering a quick nod. Rose clutched at the Leia's cane, holding the beam of light steady over the wreckage as Leia began to lift the debris. It was slow, painfully slow and the woman seemed to wither under the strain but their eyes were glued to their tasks. They managed to get him onto the stretcher and clear of the rubble - not a moment too soon. There was no grace in the way she let the ruined scraps of metal collapse.

~

So transfixed on loading their precious cargo they never even saw her in the shadows, observing them as they rushed the wounded Ren to where they could lay him down - Leia, Rose, Finn - all hovering over him as Poe moved to get the ship off the ground.

Primitive, Vyserra thought, her nose wrinkling as she watched them fiddling and fussing with scanners, tubes, harsh smelling liquids, needles and bandages. None of that would save him. And it would certainly not save them...

~

‘You only know my name.’

Hux suppressed a dark chuckle. Yes... That's exactly the type of response he would have predicted. If she was anything like himself, then he not only knew her, but could also read her like a book. This was something he would like to believe. If it was true that he didn't know her, then he would have to study her- an even more delightful experience, even if it took more time. He would learn her every move, just as he had done with Ren. Watching his every step, making invisible notes as to the directions of Kylo's hollow gaze, how his cheeks would heat at certain subjects, the rising heat of his blood. Hux knew he had done his work well if he saw such a colour. The same satisfaction one might reap from seeing the blossoming result of a wound from a well-placed blade.

She had slipped into the hallway, casting something of a look of dry impatience upon him. Oh if she only knew what awaited her... Hux was thrilled by the idea of her expression when he presented her with his... gift. Still, he was somewhat relieved to find a note of familiar sourness in her behavior. It would make his work far more interesting.

He pulled to her side and began to step along. He placed a hand at her back. Partly as guide. Perhaps also as a warning. He would not draw his eyes away from her. He knew such a touch from his childhood. Always between care and control. Between kindness and cruelty. The perfect tools with which he was crafted.

Very soon, they would reach the holding cells. Perhaps she believed his intentions were to cast her back into one.

"You're not here to be in another cell." Hux reassured aloud.

He nonetheless pressed his hand harder against her back, additionally feeling the blaster should she... He cast such a thought away.

They were let through the doors without question. Hux's scowl made it clear as to what would happen should they be stopped or commented on. The likes of his troops couldn't even hope to understand the importance of this hour. A few more long, echoing steps down the cold aisle between the cells. It seemed to take hours. Hux had started moving faster as a thrill drummed in the slowly building pace of his heart. What a game! What an experiment! Like bitter but delicious wine... He would enjoy this.

He finally settled them before the right cell. There they were. The two squadron leaders. Hands and feet bound together. Hux deactivated the shields. It wasn't like they could make a move.

"VX-1189." Hux greeted numbly, "and EJ-6824."

He turned back to Rey. He wanted to memorise every detail of her face, her expression, her reaction in this moment. It would be of such vital importance concerning the promise of their future together. Hux couldn't hide a smile of satisfaction. He hoped she would be pleased by such a gift...

His fingers rest at the holster. He snaked his other arm around her waist, still unsure if she would run. Armitage couldn't run from his fate. What made her believe that she could? She was still a deer in headlights. Still so small, yet full of power. Just like him. Hux felt the blaster in his hand. He drew even closer to her. He felt as if he were spreading his message to them. Rey was his own. They could not defile her and spread their filth in the order without consequence.

Lifting the blaster from his cape, he brought it forward and into her view.

Was it finally dawning in her mind? What she must do?

"Yes." Hux confirmed in a whisper close to her ear. "You know what you must do."

He settled the blaster into her hands, moving his arm from her waist to place a firm grip on her wrists. He helped her raise the barrel.

The squadron leaders made protests, squealing pigs rolling in the mud.

"Pay no attention." Hux cooed.

He gazed upon the men and thought of his father weilding a blaster against that deer. Rey's eyes... Carrying something of what Armitage himself once carried.

"They're only animals." Hux repeated.

He could hear his father's voice. That low, hissing voice, mixing with his own. Hux lowered his eyes to her hands. She was struggling. Even with the words that had helped him to murder many times prior, she wouldn't... She needed the push. She needed what he had been given. He was hoping she would do it on her own... Yet he would take no chances. Still, he would be kind. A far better guide than his father. More gentle...

He positioned her hands correctly. Aiming for the head. He was not rough, but he was firm. She would not escape this. His body pressed to hers. He could smell her. The scent of her hair mixed with what she had used in his shower.

"Let me help you." Hux offered.

The squadron leaders squirmed on the floor. Making such a racket...

Hux met her fingers with his own. He felt for the trigger. One swift move and...

The splatter of brains on the metal.

Simple. Merciful. Far more quiet. His father would have made such a one squeal in agony. The adult deer bathing in his own blood, surrounded by the limbs of his broken family. Hux smirked. Did she see now? How little it took? How easy it could be? A life could be taken in one, insignificant movement. Why should she make it so hard for herself?

"Now you." Hux demanded lowly, loosening his grip as he fixed his eyes on the one remaining: VX-1189.

~ 

It didn't take him long to cross from the door to stand by her side. She wished he wouldn't stand so closely. His hand came to settle on her back, feeling restrictive as the cuffs she had worn earlier. She struggled to keep her breathing under control, making her gait faster in spite of the fact that he was guiding them. Either way, it didn't matter, inevitably, she would feel his touch again - her pace was not difficult to match with his own long stride. She stared straight ahead, her expression was stony in spite of her efforts to maintain a passive neutrality. But her feelings bled through the facade, her distaste and mistrust evident on her face as surely as the bruises had been after her encounter with CS-9874.

More than simply her growing dislike for the man, she hated the way he presumed to know her. And now, assumed that he could control her. Like... Like some kind of puppet! She was reminded of Plutt. The way his eyes lingered always a little too long.. The way he dangled the promise of portions before her but always adjusted the price, giving her too few... Hoping to make her desperate... Willing, even, to beg. To make deals. Well, if she had survived Jakku so long without caving to the will of the likes of Plutt... She could manage here, until the opportunity arose and she could flee without endangering herself and the prospect of finding Ben.

She soon realized where they were going... Back to the holding cells! She felt ill, her steps slowed as she warred against rising bile and inescapable dread. It felt as another hand had settled on her shoulder - foreboding and grim, icy....

‘You're not here to be in another cell.’

She nearly jumped out of her skin, flinching visibly at the sound of his voice. She hadn't realized she'd stopped moving entirely. She wanted to look at him, to study his face for any sign of dishonesty but she quickly squashed the rising urge. She refused to look to him for reassurances. She had suffered by his hands too greatly, already she had spent more than she could afford in both gifting him with compassion and seeking his own. There could be no more of this ridiculous....

His hand pushed against her back - harder this time, urging her to move once more. Begrudgingly, she made herself lift her feet, placing one foot before the other. She didn't look from side to side at the motionless guards. She shoved her hands into the pockets of the coat she had borrowed from him, hoping to hide the fact that her hands had begun to shake. Her teeth ground together in the effort to keep hers expression blank but if anything, she looked almost... Pained to be returning so soon to... She bit down on her tongue harshly as if to punish herself for even the thought of crying. Yet she could distinctly feel the squadron leaders' hands falling upon her, dragging her shivering from the cell. She usually detested the taste of blood but in this once instance she was grateful for the sharp metallic tang that seemed to fill her mouth as if to replace the memory of another taste altogether.

Their steps echoed loudly in the vacant hallway. They'd reached the stairs. She didn't want to go... She did not want to go! She wanted to scream her protest but to her surprise, they halted before a cell - the dark maw of the stairwell leading down to isolation yawned to their left. She stared at it for a long moment before she realized they weren't going to proceed down those stairs. She turned, very slowly to follow the line of Hux's sight.

Her eyes widened, a fine tremor ran through her body from head to toe. Rage and fear....

VX-1189 and EJ-6824

His tone sounded as numb as she felt. Beyond shocked. Mortified, even. She couldn't tear her eyes away from their bound frames. If she had, she would have been horrified to see his smile. She had felt ill before and now... She took a small half step back but she collided with something solid - barely managing to keep the scream rising in her throat swallowed.Her pulse raced, the vein in her neck throbbed with it - it sounded thunderous in her own head. She felt his touch, a quick glance downward confirmed what she had dreaded - a band of white slashed across the ebon hue of his borrowed clothing she wore, crossing before her waist. His arm. At the contact, a rigidity pierced her, as if she had been impaled on a steel rod. She didn't understand... Or perhaps her own mind was reeling with disbelief, trapping her brain in a vicious cycle of denial in order to protect her from what she dreaded could possibly be coming.

With his other hand, he lifted something - moving it before her eyes, holding it before them. A blaster. She made a small pathetic noise of protest. Barely a whimper. She wanted to turn but there was nowhere to go in the circle of his arms but to face him and she did not want to see what would be on his face. Distantly, a part of her, that felt as though it had floated free of the flesh-made-prison of her body, felt impressed that she hadn't heaved the pitiful contents of her stomach up all over the floor in spite of the feeling of something rising in her chest.

‘Yes. You know what you must do.’

His voice was a whisper by her ear. A whisper that summoned an icy chill and sent it running down her spine, raising the fine hairs on her arms and the back of her neck to stand on end. He said words, yes. Comprehending them was another matter altogether - she stared helplessly, wide eyed at the squadron leaders. They wore faces now... Not their helmets. They glowered up at her, hate and something else brazen in their eyes, expressions of disgust on their faces. Faces that had peered down at her, faces that had laughed and made jokes... Had taunted her... Had...

Her hands were suddenly holding the blaster, it took her a long moment to realize that Hux had lifted his arm from her waist and his hands now rested with hers upon the blaster pistol. How quickly their expressions changed... They now begged, pleaded - not looking at her... No, she was still filth. A bit of meat to be used. No, they appealed to him, their gazes moving straight through her as they let loose a slew of words. Bargaining. Denial. Anger.

‘Pay no attention.’

Hux's voice still sounded so close but he no longer spoke in a whisper. As if holding the weapon empowered him. Her eyes burned. Tears forming, threatening to spill from her wide brown eyes. She trembled, squeezing her eyes shut against the molten tears but they escaped nonetheless, blazing trails down her cheeks - the scorch of hell fire down her sun kissed skin.

‘They're only animals.’

The sound of his voice prompted her to open her eyes. Slowly. Her hands were trembling. Her body was shaking, adrenaline making her feel light-headed and weak. For that reason, she could offer no resistance as he positioned her hands, lowering the blaster - it's muzzle pointing directly the head of one of the squadron leaders. His body moved in close behind her - framing her there, trapping her between the open cell and his lean form. She was relieved for the heavy material of his coat separating them. Even so, she could feel the heat of his body, his face so close to the side of her own.

‘Let me help you.’

It was hard to hear him over the panicked sounds of their protests. He wasn't wrong, she thought she heard her own mind say, they were only animals. Filthy craven predators... The din of trapped beasts for the slaughter only grew louder, more frantic as his hands smoothed over her own, cool leather against her own warm skin, fingers sliding along her own in a way that felt entirely too intimate for her liking. He mistook the outward signs she displayed as weakness. As hesitation. Her cheeks flushed scarlet both with something akin to embarrassment but under it all... Like lava sliding through her veins... Anger.

His finger squeezed against hers - the sound of the blaster was deafening in such confined quarters. The sound made her flinch instinctively, her eyes squeezing shut for a moment. When she opened them, she was briefly mesmerized by the crimson spray, the gore splattered across the metal behind the squadron leader's head. His corpse slumped to the ground. Just like that... Deprived of life, he was... It was... Wasted flesh. A heap of flesh. She stared. She couldn't look away - the twisted expression of panic on what was left of his face... The scarlet pool forming at his head, a macabre halo...

‘Now you.’

His tone had changed. Demanding, now. She felt his grip loosen, the shift in his proximity however slight... A quick sidelong glance revealed he was no longer looking at her, at their hands... His pale eyes had fallen to the squadron leader. She felt her nose wrinkling in distaste as her own eyes quickly slid down the length of the blaster. Was he enjoying this? The thought was disturbing but she dismissed it. There was no hesitation as she leveled the weapon with the second man's head. She pulled the trigger as easily as she exhaled, her eyes didn't even blink at the sound this time.


	62. Chapter 62

_ Only... Animals. _

 

Rey couldn't have asked for a better opportunity if she had tried. It was as if a switch had been thrown. The shaking subsided, her pulse slowed and her breathing became steady.

 

She hadn't even waited for the second body to settle on the floor. She did not observe the downward trek of the blood spray on the far wall. Instead, the moment she realized his grip had remained loose... 

 

She tore the blaster free from his hands with a violent gesture, the force of it made her own fingers twinge. She slammed her elbow back - there wasn't a lot of room to move in the half circle of his arms. There hadn't been a lot of room to move in the ruins she scavenged either. She'd learned long ago that the pivot of her hips and a solid stance could help deliver more power to her blow if she lacked the room to move as she did then... And as she did now. But she didn't need to move far.

 

She didn't really need to think, instinct - a primitive drive for personal survival and protecting someone that was her own took the place of rational thought. She could feel something break free. The Force. Her power... It was heavier than before. Weighted, perhaps, now with sin. Ben would forgive her even if she might not be able to forgive herself, she tried to assure herself. He would understand. The path was already laid out before her. Hux had simply given her the key to the gate.

 

"Thank you." Her voice was cold, steady. Stronger than she had imagined it could be. She seized his hand at the same moment she pulled the trigger. A third shot rang out, if he made any sound of pain she did not hear it - already pushing him around, twisting his arm behind his back, jamming the still hot muzzle against the wound at the apex of his shoulder. Non vital. She needed him alive. At least, for now.

 

"Move, Hux." She ground out, delivering a sharp kick to the back of his leg to help him focus through the pain - to move him forward. She directed him back up the hallway they'd come from. The guards took one look at the ruby hued stain blooming in contrast to the crisp white on his cape from his shoulder and they were fumbling for their weapons. She dispatched one with the blaster - the other she raised her hand and he flew across the room, his armor crumpling, audible cracking as he slumped to the ground. She dropped her free hand back to his lower back, grabbing his waistband through the folds of his cloak - he was easier to steer if she moved him from the core rather than trying to manipulate his long limbs. Plus, it put him front and center. A mobile shield against his underlings. She would gladly allow him to take any of the bolts fired at them if it came to it.

 

She didn't need to ask him for directions. She'd attended those inductions... Had made her way to the flight deck enough times. A squad was moving down the next hallway - patrol or training? It didn't matter, she decided. They halted, the tilt of their helmets signalling surprise at seeing their Emperor roaming the halls at this late hour of... It was then they saw her hand, now stained with his blood, grasping a blaster she now aimed at them.

 

"Call them off." She hissed. When he hesitated, she forced the power of her mind over his own - she could feel him resisting, the pained sounds of his struggle. She knew what it was like... To have an unwelcome guest in one's own mind, seeing.... Things. Knowing personal and private details. She knew the pain of the struggle, too. Treated to it, thanks to Ben, but now... She smashed through his fragile defenses, straying into territory that even Ben had seemed to respectfully stay away from. She wasn't looking for anything particularly - images rushed by, memories... fragments and echoes. Images she would not comprehend now but would later revisit her in her dreams, replaying slower and with more clarity as her own mind tried to process her deeds.

 

For now, it was simply a tool to throw him off and temporarily immobilize him while she made short work of his troopers. Incapacitated... She hoped. She didn't think she hit anything vital but at the very least, they weren't reaching for their blasters. She pushed Hux forwards.

 

"Grab a pair of cuffs." She ordered, jerking her chin to the nearest of the fallen security detail, the silver edge of the cuff glinting just around the curve of his waist. Hux did not comply fast enough. She invaded his mind again, pulling a memory of a sparring match from his recollection. She savagely rammed her knee into the back of his leg - a weak spot. Had it been broken before this match? For a moment, a shadow seemed to pass over the hall, the reek of alcohol following in its wake. She dropped the tether to his mind instantly. She could not afford to fall into his nightmarish hell of a childhood... Nevertheless, it was effective, he was on his knees and she jammed the blaster to the back of his neck, urging him to hurry. She grabbed the offered cuffs from him, clasping them into place, able to abandon the purchase on his waistband now in favor of the metal of the cuffs.

 

She guided them through the back passageways until they entered the hangar.

 

"Authorize a departure." She had no desire to try to outfly the weapons equipped to the Ordinance. "Do it, or I'll take the codes myself." She grit her teeth, cringing as she moved to stand beside him, her hand slipping into the pocket of his pants to withdraw the device she'd seen him use... To silence her vambrace... To release her own cuffs... She shook her head. NO. A few moments of reprieve that he had offered her did not overshadow the fact that he had used those deeds to manipulate her. To blackmail her.... Not to be trusted. She held the device in one hand.

 

"Give me the code, Hux, or I'll be taking a leg next." She lowered the muzzle of the blaster to his thigh.

 

~

 

If he could have known what he would unleash, he undoubtedly would have waited. He would have worked harder. Chiselled at her conscience with much further care, over much more time. Instead he had become excited, impatient. Foolish. Everything he used to ridicule in his enemies. Simply because he believed that he had finally been granted everything... everything except for her. He had been wasteful. Filled with further greed after so short a taste of ultimate power and control.

 

He was filled with the briefest of delights at her ease in shooting down the second squadron leader. Simple grace. Perfect strength. He thought he had her, squirming on his hook until she was still. A kind of death she suffered in the act of her own murder. Quiet, practical. Had Armitage looked that way when he first pulled the trigger?

 

Then she flew into motion, unspeakably fast. Hux felt her elbow ram into him, her grip on the blaster... he didn't have so much as a second in which he could scream in sudden helpless fury, in which he could throw her down before the inevitable turn of the tide...

 

_ ‘Thank you.’ _

 

He had never heard this ice in her voice. He did not think her capable. He knew that chill. Such a thing he was certain did not belong to her. He was pulled tight, a thread about to snap, a lightning bolt of oddly ecstatic terror. He didn't even register the pull of the trigger, but the explosion of hot, soaking red was broken open in his shoulder. Shattered flesh like a new, gaping, scarlet mouth. He couldn't silence a raw growl of initial agony. He instinctively reached to cup the wound, but his arm was already behind his back, the tip of the blaster was pressed into the soaking flesh. Hux grit his teeth, he would not grant her the satisfaction of making any sound of pain that couldn't be suppressed.

 

He had only just begun to process his anger. Her was in utter awe. His jaw shifted from its clenched position to hanging open as he tried to steady his breaths. No time for even that.

 

_ ‘Move, Hux.’ _

 

A hard kick drove him forward. His hatred built. A thousand fantasies of how he would dispatch her at the first chance. She had dared... DARED TO DEFILE HIM LIKE THIS?! After he had clearly given her the best opportunity that she ought not to have even dared to hope for! He had given her his life! The very routes of his success, his passion, his way of thinking, and this was her response?! Then let her be DAMNED! Let her be consumed by the very flames of his remorseless, his unquenchable, his feverish, lethal RAGE!

 

How quickly his burning temper was invaded by his shock... his complete amazement at her seemingly newfound abilities. Every move was made with certainty, with conviction. If only she would stop playing the child and awake from her dream that she could go back...

 

Back to whatever dirty hole she had crawled out of.

 

Where would she take him? How long had she planned this? Wasn't it all inevitably so pointless? She wouldn't keep this up... even with how she handled the troopers, her shockingly hard grip on him, even with her small form...

 

He couldn't help but be impressed. His emotions battled... yet his anger would not be silenced. That was when they came face to face with more of them.

 

_ ‘Call them off.’ _

 

No. He would never. If they had to shoot them both down, at least he would be satisfied to watch her die before himself. A rippling ache. It became a roaring tidal wave. He wasn't prepared. His eyes had rolled upward with the pain, he closed them, he pushed back with anything he could find... his sheer will. It wasn't enough. He knew this. His... Kylo's gloved fingers hovering near to his temple. Her touch was so much like his... screaming through him, a ship launching through the fabric of cold, cold space. Hers was worse. She had no restraint, no teasing, skimming and dipping through his mind as Kylo would do, no. No. She would dive straight into his cold waters and throw up the churning sea of his memories.

 

The slender, pale teenager in the mirror. Phasma. Her blonde hair in the wind. Before she built up a metal suit to hide in. Kylo's dead mask staring blankly, coldly back at him. The glimmer of rare affection. One kind word in the ocean of abuses, insults, humiliation. Snoke. The thrill of fixation. He was going back in time... Phasma's dead. Hollow disappointment. The smell of poison. Gloved fingers smoothing over his gaunt cheeks. A failure. A splattering of blood. Squealing bodies. They're just animals...they're just animals... white armour. Black shadows on the walls. He screamed without a voice, the pieces of the equation were dismantling. The walls themselves were shattering.

 

With a mere shove, he was thrown back into the reality, gasping for air he hadn't realised he'd been deprived of.

 

_ ‘Grab a pair of cuffs.’ _

 

No! NO! He grasped onto life, onto what he was fighting for. She would not be another Ren for him to deal with! She didn't give him the time he needed to find his true strength.

 

She delved back into the bitter pool of his torments, his softest and sharpest memories.

 

The embarrassment. Throwing savage punches in the sparring ring. He was so close... he would prove victory. Prove his true potential... One merciless blow to the back of his leg. He was falling. Disappointment. Failure. Rey had found the area in an instant. Hux couldn't hold back a beastly cry of pure frustration combining with the pain as he buckled. She made his defences look like ice that she could turn to water with a mere snap of her fingers. The pain strung up the bones. Meaty hands clutching at his bloodied, disjointed shin. Please... father! FATHER! SIR! please...

 

His eyes had watered. She dropped his most private thoughts. Slinging them down like waste... like filth…

 

The blaster was at his neck as he had already unhooked the cuffs from his belt. He was weightless, yet anchored to the ground. He barely felt the click of metal, barely heard his own steps. All he knew was the thundering madness of his desperate anger.

 

They entered the hangar. A part of him was curious to discover what exactly would come next. Where was it that she dearly desire to go? And would she kill him before or after they had got there, as he no longer had doubts that she would take his life, and so shortly after she had run to him, throwing herself upon him for help and comfort. Something deep within him smouldered.

 

_ ‘Authorize a departure. Do it, or I'll take the codes myself.’ _

 

He didn't doubt that she could, as she fished the device from his pocket. He didn't desire his mind to be searched again. Yet his pride and experience would not allow him to be threatened easily. He drew in a breath. At least she had shown her hand in this game perhaps too early. He dreaded her invading his thoughts, but he didn't fear it. Though she was more ruthless, he would far rather she see him for all that he was rather than the likes of Ren.

 

_ ‘Give me the code, Hux, or I'll be taking a leg next.’ _

 

Priorities, he told himself. He was not in a mood to suffer further physical pain rather than mental. He was half tempted to let her do so. It would be somehow satisfying for her to deal with a man with longer limbs than hers being unable to walk. Still, he would hardly lose a leg for the sake of a mere joke. Of mere bitterness. He relayed the codes to her. He hadn't realised how unexpectedly dry his voice had become.

 

He had just begun to calm... To approach this as he had done before the power had appealed to him like drink, blurring and smearing his senses. Patience, he told himself. Always, always... Patience. If he showed no more grief. No signs of helplessness, of fear or awe or anger... Then she would not be granted any kind of joy that Hux himself would gleefully take. He would be careful. Quiet. The moment of glory would present itself when it was time... Just as with all things he had waited for.

 

"Might I ask where exactly you intend to go?" Hux questioned her. He was grim. Unyielding. He suppressed his true intrigue. Wherever she took him... It would be a truly long journey.

 

~

 

Ben drew in a shaking breath. There were white lights. A medical bay? Still in the snow? No... It was warmer than that. Gentler. His fingers twitched as he tried to lift his hand. His limbs felt held down by weights. He shifted, the back of his head thumped in protest. The blood seemed to rush back into his veins. He could decipher shapes and silhouettes. One in particular. Soothing as the running water of a river.

 

"M-mother." Ben spoke hoarsely.

 

"Ben."

 

This thoughts began to clarify. Then it tumbled in. All of it. His desperate fears... His aching longing. Vys...

 

Ben forced himself to rise. Rey! He had remembered something from the darkness he had been swallowed in. He was searching... Searching for her light... But where had it gone? It has grown cold. Lonely once more. Sensations he understood far too well.

 

He saw the owl-like eyes of his mother upon him. In and out of focus.

 

He struggled against the comfort of the sheets he had been laid in. How long had he slept? Something truly awful was about to happen...

 

"Ben!"

 

Leia's hands rest on his shoulders, carefully lowering him back to a lying position.

 

"Please, sweetheart," Leia implored. "Don't move just yet."

 

Ben stared at her, still, he imagined, holding the same expression that he might have from when he was a baby, laid in her arms. There was so much to explain, so little words that he could summon. So little time that he could summon them in. Leia, he noticed, was pale. It wasn't just the effect of the white lamps above them. Her eyes too, while still as powerful and deep as ever, were sunken in her face.

 

"Vysera..." Ben choked, but his mother nodded as if she knew every word that would spill from his lips.

 

"The resistance knows everything, thanks to Finn." Leia reassured him, but Ben couldn't push away the dread.

 

It was close. The dusk drawing nearer. Had where his head had been hit made him delusional? No, surely not. He was certain.

 

"Mother..." Ben tried again, his words fast escaping him. He gulped down the tears in his eyes. "Mom..."

 

Leia leaned softly over him. She delicately placed a light kiss on both of his cheeks.

 

Ben's instincts screamed but his body remained weak. Leia caressed one of his hands with her own.

 

"You have to leave me..." Ben breathed frantically.

 

His mother shook her head. Ben felt as if he were being slowly pushed towards the edge of a cliff. Vys... She would be back. He shifted his legs and grit his teeth as a sharp sting penetrated his knee. It didn't help to stop the progress of his tears.

 

"Please!" Ben begged. "She's coming... She won't stop..."

 

His mother hushed him softly. She neatened the pillows behind his head as Ben's consciousness was already waning once more.

 

"I've never left you, Ben." He heard Leia say. "Do you really think I'll leave you now?"

 

The room had begun to spin. Ben gripped his mother's hand as the rest of the world seemed to evaporate.

 

"I love you." Ben whispered.

 

He was desperate to let her know. It was something to remember as he felt himself slipping away again.

 

He felt her lean close as he heard her voice whisper in his ear:

 

"I know, Ben. I love you too."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorrrrryy! Mondays are totally uploading day but I was out climbing a mountain and when I got home, I could only shower and fall into slumber! ><
> 
> -M


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPOILER/TAG WARNINGS:
> 
>  
> 
> (((((Character Death tags are in effect))))

A cool sense of finality had come over her. A calm that came in the wake of the numbness. She took no joy in her deeds. There was no pleasure. Not in the visceral sound of his pain after she had first pulled the trigger - it reverberated in her ribcage. Hollow. Empty. She did only what was necessary. I will do whatever it takes... She had oathed those words... Her promise belonged to Ben. She would not break that solemn vow. The words repeated over and over in her mind - a mantra. A thread that she had woven into a rope to pull her through this.... Nightmare. Across this stepping stone.

 

It was by some divine grace that she'd managed to keep her expression neutral. Divine intervention that kept the rolling waves of nausea at bay - her misdeeds that would surely haunt her later and leave her nowhere to go but impaled upon the growing spikes of guilt. She would not allow herself to feel fear in the rising storm of his hellfire - she could feel his rage like the heat of the sun rising from the corpses of hollowed out battle cruisers. She, Rey of Jakku, was in charge now. It was she that issued commands and when they were not complied with in a manner that suited her... It was her duty to enforce them.

 

Let him hate her, if he must. She was only doing what she needed to. He would never have complied unless she spoke in the language he understood. Violence. Right? She naively had no idea of his desire to possess her so completely. She did not think he wanted to own her, only that he wanted her as leverage against Ben. And that, she could not tolerate. Her grip, strengthened from a lifetime of hauling, climbing, pulling... Was not to the point of excess. Only to the point of control. He would decide how much force she would have to apply. It seemed fair to her. He might have been surprised to learn she had not premeditated this at all... How could she have? How could she know that he planned to take her back to one the point where her hope had dimmed... Extinguished all but for a fine pinpoint so far from her grasp? How could she have guessed that he thrilled at the concept of forcing her to murder. Not out of self defence as she had been forced to do in her life already... No.The blood on her hands was now of a different hue. It held a different weight and would exact a different price.

 

She had invaded his mind. This, she knew was cruel. Brutally remorseless - a hand sweeping across a desk's surface- scattering its contents around her with little care for where they landed. She'd felt his pain for a brief moment but she had not stopped to watch - her attention drawn to the troopers. She had not seen him close his eyes - focused on firing the blaster. She had heard him gasp, knowing that it was more from her invasion than the swift kick she had delivered to him. It was too disorienting, not to give him something to latch onto - to remind him where he was and to convey what was expected of him. Since he could not push back against her as she had done with Ben, it would have to be something physical to bring him back to the corridor.

 

He didn't move to grab the cuffs. Not at first. Again, then, if she must. There wasn't time to play. There wasn't time to bargain with him, there was no room for delicacy. She'd thrust into his mind again as a baker's fingers might have pushed into dough. His memories had oozed around her reaching hands. Thick, viscous like the sap of a poisonous vine. The ichor of a septic wound.

 

_ ‘Please... father! FATHER! SIR! please…’ _

 

Decay. Rot. She had broken the connection, barely managing suppress the shudder of revulsion and shock. That poor, miserable child... So starved of love. Love of any kind... Her eyes flicked to the man before her. She did not see that child before her, not even with the sheen of unshed tears on his pale eyes. She couldn't look. She'd pressed the blaster to the back of his neck - a tactic that had been used upon her only hours ago... Effective, though it left a bitterness in her mouth.

 

At last, he complied, with the restraints clicked into place, it was easier to manage. He. Not it.

 

They made it to the hangar and she presented him with another demand. One that he seemed to take entirely too long in considering. She issued another threat, the weapon lowering to his thigh. His existence as a cripple would not be long. If it came to such measures, she had no intention of dragging him with her. With the code extracted from his mind, she would put him out of his misery... She saw a flash of it - looming above him as he lay prone on the floor, blood staining the side of his body. A mangle of crimson and white. Only one more shot would be needed, one right between his icy pale eyes. Her stomach twisted at the thought. Silently, she begged him not to make her do it - meeting his gaze with her own. She hoped he would not resist her. She would murder him if it came to it, she told herself, she would not enjoy it but... She would only do what was necessary.

 

At last he spoke. There was the faintest flicker of relief on her features before her expression changed to concentration - entering the codes as he spoke them. His voice was carefully blank. There was a change within him... A calm that she could not bring herself to trust. Somehow, it was more worrying than his rage. Still, the change in his demeanour was easier to communicate with. A startling rationality in spite of the chaos he had been suddenly thrust into. She pocketed his device, eyes falling to the blaster. She should just do it... End it... Him. Not it. Her gaze became unfocused, if only marginally as she raised the blaster, her lower lip caught between her teeth.

 

_ Put him  _ **_down_ ** _... Kill him! FINISH THIS! _

 

It was the voice she had heard in the forest as she stood above Kylo's prone form on Starkiller Base, split and bleeding into the snow. It was the voice of Darkness. It called to her now just as it had then, urging her with it's unapologetic logic, it's ruthless pragmatism. She stared at Hux's face, taking in the lines and structure of his features. Could she do it? She had to, the voice assured her. Her mind's own voice. She was somewhat horrified to realize. A voice from inside her. A part of her self. Something in her soul that was there all along, just as the Light had been.

 

He should never have trapped her... He should have let her go, that night on Vorkenna. She was not his to keep. But instead of setting her free, he had trapped her beneath him and ordered her arrest. He had been deaf. Coldly indifferent to her begging. She'd pleaded with him to let her go... And now...

 

"You've damned us both." She muttered, tearing her eyes from his face, her expression tightening with pain and a flush of anger, twisting him around. The Darkness within her screamed in protest - a shrill almost head splitting shriek. A mistake! A MISTAKE! It ordered her to leave him wasted on the hangar floor. She pushed him closer to one of the sleek command shuttles, gritting her teeth.

 

_ ‘Might I ask where exactly you intend to go?’ _

 

It was a reasonable question, she supposed. She kept her grip tight on him, straining on her tip toes to activate the control on the side of the vessel to lower the loading ramp with her elbow - the blaster still held in her other hand.

 

"You certainly may ask." She responded, unwilling to answer his question, pushing him up into the belly of the shuttle. Did it even matter? She wasn't sure it did. She didn't know if she intended for him to ever make it all the way there or not.

 

Once inside, she pushed him down into one of the seats along the side of the craft. She had to lean in close, her legs pressing against his as she strained to reach the harness above him, pulling it down to secure him in the seat. With his hands behind him... She paused, hesitating for a moment before she began to pat him down, her expression like stone. She could detect no further weapons. Finally. She looked down at the blaster - that livid creature of Darkness that lived deep inside her stirred. Here it was - another perfect opportunity. She could execute him and there would be no struggle. Cursed, wretched thing. Her lip curled in disgust, she crushed the blaster. Not with the strength of her hand, but with the Force. She mangled it, ruining with the power of her will. Crumpled, useless, she tossed it away - disappearing into the cockpit without a word.

 

Once she had gotten them free of The Ordinance... Once she'd entered the coordinates for Vorkenna, once they were safely underway, she made her way back out through the narrow passenger corridor. She didn't stop, didn't pause to look at him, other than to register that he was still restrained and strapped into his seat. The personal quarters were cramped. Small and practical. This was far from a luxury shuttle, there were no separate quarters for higher ranking passengers. Didn't matter. She had no intention of using the tightly stacked bunks - narrow slices in the wall. She smashed open the locker, pushing her hands through the contents until she found a flight suit that would fit. She quickly stripped out of Hux's clothing after moving into the 'fresher compartment - no longer able to bear the weight of them. Drowning her in the discrepancy of size. She had no doubt she would need to move freely once they reached Vorkenna. She had no desire to be slowed down by the folds of excess material or to trip on pants legs that were far too long for her legs.

 

She would have killed for a shower but there was no time. When she found Ben, when they had a moment... Her heart skipped a beat, her mind briefly taking her a far more pleasant line of thought. Combining her two favorite things seemed a decadence she would never have dared imagine but... With a soft sigh, she exited the 'fresher compartment, dressed in better fitting attire and made her way back to the small mess cupboards. Regrettably, they were across from Hux. She could feel his heavy gaze upon her. Tension formed between her shoulder blades. She tried to ignore the sensation. Focus on something else.... Like the animalistic growl of her stomach.

 

She was starving, still... It felt like there would never be enough food. Certainly what he provided her had scarcely begun to fill the void left after the week with no food at all... She navigated the cupboards, pulling handfuls of portions from the cabinets. She tore into the bags with her teeth and nails, a flurry of purposeful movements. Pulling open drawers, producing utensils and trays only to close the cupboards with the push of her hip or the lift of her foot. Water in bowls as she prepared the rations as she had on Jakku. Granted, she'd never had access to this many portions at once in her entire life. Within minutes, she had water heated the food prepared and ready to consume. She'd dug into it, shamelessly feeding that painful gnawing sensation in her stomach.

 

"Do you..." She swallowed the rest of her bite. "Are you hungry?" She turned slightly, glancing over her shoulder at him. Then she swore. Turning away to face her feast, finishing shoving the bit of puff bread into her mouth as she brushed her hands against the legs of her flight suit before dragging her hair back, a few quick twists and tucks as she'd constructed a haphazard bun.

 

Of course!

 

Hastily she washed her hands. She slid the drawer open beside her hip. She pulled out a gleaming knife and advanced on him with measured steps. She had to get entirely too close to him for her liking but it was not the most spacious of shuttles. She put a steadying hand on his chest, the other working with sure, methodical motions. In a matter of moments, his shoulder was bared to her. She swallowed, glancing away from the pale flesh. She'd known, unequivocally, that he had skin. She'd just... Never seen any of it below the sliver of his neck exposed above the collar of his form engulfing attire.

 

Pale as though he'd never let the sun embrace him, never letting the gentle kiss of its warmth wash over him. Yet pale as it was, the fine network of long ago healed scars stood out paler still. She shook her head as if to clear away a smattering of scattered thoughts that tried to form. Instead, she stretched, straining with extended fingertips to pull down the medkit from the bulkhead above their heads.

 

She sat down beside him, one leg tucked up under herself so she could get a better angle. She settled the kit on her lap.

 

Blasters were... Merciful, in that there was no projectile to remove... Yet at such close range as she had fired, there was.... She stared at the wound for a long moment, her fingers hovering over the latch of the kit. If she didn't tend it... Drawing a deep breath, she opened the kit.

 

Her treatment skills were far from advanced. Just as she had bandaged his hand on Jira - there was a vast difference between her techniques and those that would have been taught in the medical corps of the First Order. Nevertheless, it was effective enough. Necessity had taught her a rudimentary grasp of the concept of how to tend her own wounds... Yet, it was kindness that had allowed her to learn the skills she had to employ now. Most scavengers would let their fellow man or woman perish to a deep gash from broken machinery - waiting, even, for them to bleed out if it meant they could swoop in and take their haul. Yet Rey had offered to help an injured scavenger but the extent of the damage had been greater than she knew how to handle...That woman had lain there with the stark white of her bone exposed, walked her through the processes... Rey had learned a lot from that woman... For a moment, she wondered briefly where she was... If she even still lived...

 

She took out the antiseptic, cleaning the area, disinfecting the wound as best as she was able. His wound would be cleaned, sealed... Eyes narrowed with concentration, lip caught between her teeth as she performed delicate movements. She paid no mind the hair that slipped free from her bun as she leaned closer to better improve her view. Her hands moved steadily, fingers deft, nimbly pushing the curved needle through flesh, binding it shut. Her stitches were neat, even... Tidy, dark marks on otherwise pale skin. It was easy to lose herself to the procedure. It was easy for the task to fill her mind, pushing aside the chaos and create a clear state of mind.

 

She had cut the gut string at last, eyeing the suture for a moment before pushing to her feet - washing her hands, his blood circling the drain before she took a clean towel, dampened it with warm water and returned to his side. She smoothed it over his shoulder, gently, clearing away some of the gore that had spread from the wound. She was almost tender, radiating a peacefulness from within that showed through to the outside, calm as though she was tending something as soothing as a garden. Repair. Mend. Restore. Adapt. Repurpose. Build. Create. It was proof, if there could be such a thing, that her hands had never been created for destruction. Hers were the hands of a healer. Though, their hands are soaked in blood the most frequently.

 

Lastly.... She opened the bandages, pressing the adhesive lined patch to cover the mess she'd made of him. Her expression soft, with one final smoothing motion, she had finished. For a second too long, her fingers paused, the lightest of contact between their flesh as the tip of her finger strayed halfway off of the bandage. She blinked, quickly pulling away from him. She stared at her hands for a moment before hastening to close up the medkit, shoving it almost recklessly back up into the bulk head. As an after thought, she tugged his sliced shirt and cape back into place, concealing her handiwork.

 

She crossed back to the sink, blasting the water, pumping soap into her palm and hastily scrubbed her hands clean.

 

"You never said... If you wanted something to eat." She mumbled, back still turned to him, her hands braced on the counter, her forehead resting against the cupboard over the sink.

 

~ 

 

She could feel them better than she could see them, each a glowing light in their own way. A beacon. No wonder he was drawn to them. Without them, without these soft and delicate buds of light... He would feel as she did. Cold. Hard. Like frost on blades of grass. They were the kind that brought an end to these summertime souls. The harbingers of the changing of the seasons, ushers of the darkness. Yet they did not understand. They didn't know him as she did. They didn't see that he was the catalyst for their demise. For he was why she was here and she was the end of all things. No, instead, they had that foolish poison in their radiant hearts. Hope. The last breath of ignorant men and women. Sucking in that useless hope when they had needed oxygen instead.

 

In spite of his transgressions,they tended him, using their brutish methods to stem the flow of his blood loss. She didn't understand why the other Force user, his mother, did not mend him. Didn't she know how? Was she numbered amongst those that Luke Skywalker had failed? She wanted that to be the case, one final atrocity against their old master's name. But she knew the truth of it... The method that she herself would use demanded a heavy price. She could find no trace of its lasting scars upon the luminescent soul. It wasn't until she had moved ever silently closer like the creeping shadows of the late hour, that she could feel it. The woman was fading. Waning like a dying star. Something had cracked her, damaged. Like her son. Her power, her life... It was draining from her like water dripping from a melting glacier. Vysera felt better. The woman would not be a problem.

 

They continued on. Cleaning, closing, bandaging... Splinting whatever was broken or fractured. Her lips twisted - if only such ministrations could mend a heart. She may have split open her own ribs and bared the stuttering organ to them if they could put back together the many pieces it had been crushed into. Pieces smashed smaller and smaller into finer dust with each of Ben's rejections. Perhaps it was that very dust she would pour into his open mouth, torn open in a wordless scream from the pain she would return to him, the very dust that would choke him and dim that tiny flicker that remained inside him...

 

She remembered what he had been like. Once upon a time. Exactly like them. Full of compassion, warmth... Love. She had been drawn to him as he was drawn to these people... Like he had become fixated with that Rey creature. But she had grown up. It was time for him to do the same. She watched them scatter. All but his mother. The girl and the big-hearted boy moved away - to give Ben and his mother some privacy? She felt the exchange of their energy, hands grasping the other - if she could look, she would have seen their shared glances. Lovers, then. If she had her eyes, she would have rolled them. They disappeared. She followed in their wake, a tidal wave of bloodshed cresting above them.

 

One dagger slid easily into the girl's back. Vysera knew exactly where to press her blades to hit vital organs. The other drew violently across her throat, eliminating her ability to scream. It was the hot spray of her blood that alerted him to Vysera's presence. His eyes widened in horror, gazing upon her true countenance, face bare. He was stunned. Shocked. The daggers slipped between his ribs. His heart, his lung... She used the force of her body colliding with his against the wall to drive the blades in deeper til her hands wrapped around the hilt had rested against his chest. Her lips curved in a small, sad smile - she could feel their lights fading with their lives draining from their bodies in crimson rivulets.

 

She made her way into the cockpit. It all felt... Familiar. She thought of Ren. All of them - brothers and sisters. She remembered the fear she'd felt in her chest. The sick agony of it... Knowing what would happen. She knew it was coming. There was only one time when Snoke was vulnerable, when his thoughts were not so guarded. She had exploited that moment, hiding her invading presence with the white-hot haze of pleasure at the right instant. She'd seen his disapproval, the punishment he exacted on Ben's flesh was different from the one he administered to hers and it explained in perfect clarity why none of the other knights had been allowed to see their Knight-Commander. He was still recovering... Would be, for days.... And it would have to be during that time she would have to act. When he emerged from that bacta-tank... She had seen Snoke's intentions, what he would demand of Ben.

 

The cruelest stroke. He intended for his dark protege to prove to him his devotion. To Snoke. To Snoke's will. To write his loyalty with the blood of his brothers and sisters. To establish his dominance, his strength... Because if he did not kill them, Snoke would order them all to turn on one another - promising unlimited power to the last Ren standing. She'd known in that moment, that it was something Ben could never do. He was too weak. But she was not. And the problem had arisen from her lack of willingness to eliminate him. What other choice did she have? What else could she have done but for what she did? She saw now the wreckage made of Ben from having to kill his father... He would not have been able to withstand the fissures splitting open in his soul at the loss of each of his brothers and sisters as she had to. Her soul had hemorrhaged internally for days.... months.... years because of her sacrifice. Because of losing them... The wounds had never healed. None of it had ever become easier. She had just become stronger.

 

The razor twisting edge of her blade drew across the pilot's throat, opening a second, much larger mouth in his throat. One that purged itself of his life's blood. She pulled him free of his seat, dragging the corpse back into the hallway with the others before returning to the cockpit to review the flight controls and double check the navigation…

 

She chuckled softly. This craft was destined to arrive back at the base of whatever members of this petty, futile resistance remained. Perhaps Ben would be allowed to bury these few... But he would have to pay for the privilege with the remaining lives of the rebels. She felt a sick pleasure, the thought of what price she would demand from him for the permission to bury the corpse of Rey... Would she demand the souls of the First Order? Stacked before her with that flame haired man's head cresting the very top of the heap? She lifted her blood stained fingers, smoothing over the soft tissue of her lips. The thought of it made her pulse race.

 

But that would have to wait…

 

His breath was so fragile. A shaking brittle leaf clinging to a sapless branch in the cold winter wind. She longed to reach out, to smooth her hand along the side of his face. Poor, sweet Ben... In equal measure, she loved and loathed his fragility. His weakness had once been endearing. Something she had committed the most foul of atrocities to protect... To shelter him. She felt her eyebrows furrowing as she frowned, watching him struggle to move even his fingers... She could see, now, that it had been a mistake, to have spared him. The furnace-like heat of the blood of his sisters and brothers might have smelted him... Broken him down, refined him. The infernal guilt, the suffering and loathing would have forged him.... Hardening into a weapon just as it had done for her.

 

_ M-mother. _

 

_ Ben. _

 

A child. Still clinging to his mother's skirts as if it could possibly protect him... Shield him from the brewing storm. Leia had never managed to save him in the past... Why was it he was expecting it to be any different now? She could feel the tension in him growing as reality came flooding back to him. He moved to sit upright, his body resisting him. So foolish... So desperate to play the hero. They weren't heroes. They were the monsters. When would he learn that?

 

_ Vysera... _

 

Her own name fell from his lips and she felt a wretched thrill. The way he struggled to speak, forcing out the syllables. It was no prayer, it was not an offering raised in worship but it was satisfying nonetheless. At least for now. There would be a time when she demanded his devotion and he would offer his praises willingly and genuinely. His mother pushed him back gently into the pillows, settling him once more. She reassured him that she knew everything. A remarkably vain and inaccurate thing to say... She did not seem to detect the threat looming just over her shoulder, just out of the bright haze of the light set over Ben to try and keep him warm.

 

_ Mother.... Mom... _

 

As she leaned forward, Vysera mirrored her. She allowed her one last act, to press her kiss to each of his cheeks. The woman, after all, had been kind to her, once. Yet it was not enough to save her, to absolve her son of his sins and spare her own demise... She was gentle as possible, using the Force to sever vital internal structures instead of treating her to the twisting blades of her daggers. Gently... Ever so gently, she tugged her body away, settling it in the bedside seat.

 

_ You have to leave me... _

 

He sounded so desperate. So worried. Concerned. Had he ever sounded this way for her? She shook her head. Doubtful. He had shown himself to be selfish and cruel. Thoughtless. Curiously, she noted how it was a fortunate twist of fate that the light had been adjusted just so... The light slightly, it's bright halo distorting her form, the haze disguising her features. A silhouette.

 

He struggled, trying to make his legs work, attempting to force his disobedient body to obey him. She marked the trail of his tears down his cheeks by the soft scent in the air. She studied him briefly, through the Force. She didn't think she had seen a more beautiful sight, such as it was,  in all her life. So perfect and yet imperfect.... That wretched girl's scar had given him a permanent blemish. Marring his face, tainting him forever more. Yet, he did not hate her for it. No, it seemed exactly the contrary. He adored Rey in spite of the lasting signature of her violence. 

 

Well, if he wanted scars... If that would make him turn his affections towards her and away from that girl... She would scar him, too. Somewhere deep inside where no medic could touch. She would mark him on a surface no hand could reach - she would put a rend in his soul that Rey would feel and yet.... Be incapable of healing it.

 

_ Please! She's coming... She won't stop... _

 

Her hand roved over the bag hanging near his bed, the fine tube connected to the needle embedded in the soft flesh in the crook of his arm... She could only guess, but she suspected the fluid would contain a potent blend of pain inhibitors and sedatives. They were effective. He was warring with his desire to stay conscious. She could see it, his brain activity shuddering and flickering. Dimming ever so slowly...

 

She hushed him, shaking her head as she straightened the pillows propping him up. He was right. She wouldn't stop. Not ever. Not until he was hers. Just as it should be.

The notion of leaving... She knew that he had not meant these words for her but she couldn't resist responding all the same.

 

"I've never left you, Ben. Do you really think I'll leave you now?"

 

He grabbed her hand. Her heart trilled, swelling with unspeakable pleasure at the sensation of his fingers closing around hers. She would stay with him, forever. And if, somehow, they were to be parted... She knew beyond the shadow of a doubt - he would never be able to forget her. He would never again put her from his mind, brush over his recollections of her with indifference. The passing of time would not lessen and blur these memories. Of that, she would make certain.

 

_ I love you. _

 

It was a whisper. Soft. Earnest. Not intended for her ears. He thought he clung to his precious mother's hand... Not her own. He didn't mean it... Yet. But he would. For now, she supposed there was no harm in indulging his delirious fantasy.

 

"I know, Ben. I love you, too."

 

And then he was out. His eyes closed, settled against the pillows as if passing on this last sentiment had granted him the peace he needed in order to finally rest. She trailed her fingertips down the side of his face, uncaring of the streak of blood she left as a testament to her lingering touch. She drew a deep breath, straightening. It was quiet now. All but for the hum of the engines when it had been a small hive of activity only a few minutes ago.

 

Which reminded her... She refused to spend her time on this ship stepping over corpses. They could not remain in that transitory passageway from here and the cockpit. She drug the carrion from the hall, shoving the heaped bodies into chairs around the room. It was not without some amusement that she observed her handiwork had made his brief companions appear as though they were holding ghoulish vigil for him.... Hoping he would wake from his slumber. All but Leia, who appeared to be sleeping peacefully in the chair beside her son.

 

The death on this ship was enough to sustain her for quite some time. It would not do the same for Ben. She had not yet taught him how. But, soon... So for that reason she departed in search of some kind of food to have ready for him when he awakened.

 


	64. Chapter 64

He didn't bother to strain his neck to watch her, unable to stand or turn from his current positioning. He began to subtly feel the cuffs around his wrists. This was First Order equipment, not so easily undone by something so primal as a pin or wire. She had already felt for weapons, which Hux had none that he could think of. Nevertheless, he had observed the workings of such cuffs as he was wearing before... He could perhaps... Attempt to dislocate the joints in his thumbs. Even if it worked, -then what? Just simply use the element of surprise? What a ridiculous suggestion. Patience, he repeated over and over. Wait for the moment of opportunity...

 

This entire scenario was a cruel joke. He would be able to appreciate the humour, if it hadn't left him in this wretched state: bleeding, restrained, his thoughts scattered. In her hands, just after he had unleashed a darkness that even he, a scientific, realistic, unspiritual man had sensed.

 

He shifted uncomfortably for a final time. He wouldn't show her his discomfort again. He wouldn't show her anything again unless he was given no choice. She would have to pry him open with her nails. Why had he lost sight of who he was supposed to be? His dislodged memories had reminded him: he was not a man. He was a suit of armour. She would not find the weakness in such a suit. He would allow for none. No further mistakes. No further empathy...

 

He knew the look she had given him. Those were the eyes of severe temptation. The consideration of furthering what he had shown her, completing her work...

 

He heard something unbreakable be crunched. He blinked. Was that... He didn't want to turn his head. It clattered to the floor. Hux stared blindly forward. Had she just...?

 

He supposed that it would only be good for him. He leant against the back of the chair, grinding his teeth. The pain at his shoulder hadn't lessened. A blossoming stain, joining the dirt on the cloud of his once grand attire. Stains of empathy, of imperfection. This is what he deserved for his lapse in judgement. Would he be joining Kylo? In a cell or a grave? He knew Ren will wouldn't be a prisoner of the resistance for long. Hux has already come to the conclusion that he had either died fighting, or he had joined his mother. Either way he was between a dead man and a traitor. Hux couldn't be concerned with it. He had far too many problems of his own.

 

He could hear her rummaging. Scavenger. A part of her he was grimly curious to witness. The harsh clinks of cupboard doors and the hiss of sliding panels. Her tapping steps. When she came into view, he watched her, as a predator might. Waiting again... Waiting for the sweet moment of his retaliation. His hands became tight fists, stony against his lower back.

 

She was shortly attacking her newly gained food. Hux hoped she hadn't heard the growling of his stomach. He cursed silently. He wouldn't expect her to give him anything. He hadn't earned it. He had barely given her enough himself. He wouldn't submit to something as trivial as his mild hunger when his unsettled mind had forced him to remember how much he had endured and what he should be. He should not a man, subject to the weeping sting of his bloodied shoulder or the protests of his stomach. He should be beyond living. Beyond needs. Uncompromising. Silent. Cold...

 

_ ‘Do you... Are you hungry?’ _

 

He pressed his lips together. She shouldn't care, and he shouldn't say a word. She would have to coax his every response from him. Either that or rip through his mind once more, merely just to find a simple answer. As it turned out, she was already distracted by something. Hux felt as heavy as rock. She moved as deftly and lightly as the wind. Why did such a thing make him envious?

 

The running of a tap and then... the ring of a small blade. He stiffened, but would not do so much as blink as she brought the point of the knife to his wet, seeping wound. Her other hand was placed against his thundering heart. He could hardly resist it. He had to find her eyes with his own. He had to search her for the murderous look, regained so soon, perhaps.

 

This wasn't what he saw. She was focused on a different kind of work altogether. The blade laid waste to the once luxurious fabric smothering the laceration of his flesh, freeing it to the bitter, open air. Despite now understanding her intent, he could see her throwing the knife into his ruined flesh in his imagination. He could picture her twisting it, deep against the bones. If she did so, he would not scream. His teeth were ground together.

 

The cleansing was the hardest part. Her direct interaction with his open weakness. He was almost a child again, near to squirming under a maternal touch that he had never been granted. It was oddly quiet. He was not used to peace. He had been on edge for so long. He did not find peace in his routines, only a strict code, with tension humming just below it. A churning river under a sturdy bridge. He did not find peace in sleeping. He slept little and would often be plagued with nightmares which he would be glad to be rid of when waking. Yet this... this was peace. Strange peace, being in the hands of his enemy, yet peace nonetheless.

 

As she continued, with the first pierce of the needle, he was finally convinced that he might not have to naturally be prepared to build some kind of shield or make some kind of struggle. He need only let her continue. There was a paradoxical release in being held captive. He had nothing to keep control of. This time, he belonged to her. He was at her mercy, yet she would not use it against him, not for the current moment at least. His breath hitched at one of the dips of the needle. He bit his tongue. Perhaps a different pain would distract him. It did little, but the worst had passed.

 

She soothed the area with a warm wet towel. Hux realised he had turned to watch her. Foolish child, to be taken in by her so quickly all over again. He brought his gaze back to the empty air. How could her touch of care contrast so heavily with her fierce attack? She must, indeed have been a siren. Two-faced. Casting her spell on him once more. Lulling him into peace with the lullaby of her efficient work. He was relieved to notice that she must have done this before. He stole one more glance at her. She seemed... absent. What did she think of him, now that she had seen the scars of his flesh and his mind? An array of his weaknesses had been presented to her. Did it disgust her? His own weakness did, after all, disgust himself.

 

He was bandaged, yet her touch lingered. There had once been malice as clear as lamplight in her eyes and revulsion as plain as the blossomed stain on his once pristine clothing, but if it remained there, it had somehow softened so it was less easily detectable. Hux tore his eyes away as she stepped back, readying to wash her hands as she had done before.

 

_ ‘You never said... If you wanted something to eat.’ _

 

The thought of a scavenger feeding him as if he were a baby disgusted him. He couldn't deny his prejudices. Still, she had just tended his wound. For this, he was grateful. She washed her hands too. He was desperate not to show weakness, but that was a different kind of foolishness altogether. If she offered food, he wasn't about to starve for his pride. His stomach snarled once more in protest.

 

"Yes." Hux finally gave in. "Yes I would like something."

 

There was a war being waged within Hux, she noted, grimly. Everything about him remained closed to her. Not that she had the desire to leave her gaze lingering upon him or to delve into his guarded thoughts. She'd once thought that if there was to be any progress made, it would be because he had opened the doors. Not because someone had forced their way in. Yet, hope of progress with this strange man was becoming the furthest thing from the forefront of her thoughts. His expression was guarded, a rigidity in his posture in spite of what she knew would be great discomfort. She had never been shot but she knew the burden of an invasive puncturing wound. She knew the uncomfortable feeling of the cuffs around one's wrists. Yet it seemed he was determined to master the struggle of keeping everything contained. The stonewall of a dam holding back an impossible weight of thundering, troubled waters. She'd seen enough of his memories to guess what he could be trying to hide.

 

For the briefest moments, she was envious of him. Able to conceal his thoughts, his emotions. Something she could not seem to do and it worked against her, constantly throwing her at the mercy of those who had learned better control. There was nothing to read in his lack of an expression. It was dangerous. She felt as though she was missing a thousand warning signs, and yet... The envy passed. She'd seen enough, heard him elude to the price he'd paid to have mastered such control. Stubbornly, she scolded herself for entertaining the thought of feeling any more sympathy for him. He had established himself as a cold, calculating... Villain. If that was what he was determined to show her... If that was all she would be allowed to see, what else could she do but make herself accept it? That, those in his life who should have protected him and nurtured him had killed the child, that boy he once was that she'd seen and made her heart ache. She would not weep for his demise. This twisted tree that grew from that tender seedling bore nothing but the fruit of pain and destruction.

 

Curiosity was one thing she was learning to keep hedged when it came to Hux, however. She busied herself with the making of food lest her mind wander to considering him, his nature... His fate. She didn't know what made her ask if he wanted any of the food she'd prepared. Surely a few hours of an empty stomach did not constitute her sympathy having experienced far worse... Knowing that it was possible to endure that aching gnawing of hunger. She told herself, instead, that she had asked simply to break the silence - to distract her from the feeling of the weight of his gaze watching her as she prepared the food.

 

His response had been to straighten his lips into a firm line. Stubborn. Like she was. Why couldn't she just give up? Why not just kill him and be done with it? What would she lose, really? She knew what the cold and relentless side of her unearthed nature would tell her to do. To eliminate this threat, now... It was loud, compelling. Perhaps he had heard it, as she drew near with the knife. She thought for a moment she could feel the wild beat of his heart beneath the palm she had settled against his chest so that she could steady herself as she set to work, careful to avoid pressing the blade into the injury she'd given him. She tried not to think of her apparent talent for leaving permanent reminders on those who had stood in her way... His eyes had lifted to her own. Searching. Had he thought she meant to torture him? Inflict further damage with the blade held in her hand?

 

"That's not who I am." She responded quietly, answering the question he had not asked. Or perhaps, she had simply been trying to remind herself. She'd been engrossed by her tasks, then. It was unfortunate that she had not thought of looking for something to numb the sensation. Something to ease the pain. There were no such things on Jakku and until her last attempted escape - she had not even known such things had existed. Still, she worked as quickly and smoothly as she could manage. She was grateful he had not tried to put up a fight and that his constitution was... Well, it was admirable, she admitted, quickly pushing the thought aside after she'd noted his breath catching as she'd drawn the needle through his flesh. As far as patients went, he was exemplary - she did not have to divert her attention, babbling words - hoping that they would make sense and the steady sound of her voice would help to take their attention away from the pain. Nor did she have to wrangle him, trying to keep him steady while his limbs flailed all the while trying to maintain the same level of quality in the precision dependent procedures.

 

She smoothed the towel over the area, taking with it the scarlet evidence of her own brutality. She lifted her eyes, having caught the smallest of his movements out of the corner of her eye. He had been watching her. The smallest of smiles that briefly curved her lips had been a natural, instinctive response. A smile she quickly forced off her face, blinking down at her hands. She felt hideously pathetic for having let something so genuine slip as he turned away from her.

 

She'd lost herself to finishing off the operation, bandage smoothed over the wound. If there was a trace of revulsion in her gaze, it was at herself. She'd moved away then, eager to put distance between them, to clean her hands of his blood... And to finish her food.

 

"You never said... If you wanted anything to eat." Her hands needed to be kept busy. The tranquility of the previous moments had faded and she felt restless as a caged animal in spite of the fact that it was not she who was wearing cuffs this time. Silence spread between them as she helped herself to more food, something selfish in her wanted to keep it all for herself. He probably wouldn't accept, she mused, maintain this stony silence... She was about to seize the remaining tray and barricade herself in the cockpit when at last he'd responded.

 

_ ‘Yes. Yes, I would like something.’ _

 

She shouldn't have offered. She hadn't thought it through. She doubted she had the patience to sit beside him, lifting food from tray to his mouth and wait for him not only to chew but to swallow- No. That was ridiculous. She was certain he would have equally no desire to spend that much time at such a close proximity to her, anyway. The feeling of being judged and deemed as... Foul, when he looked at her had not entirely passed.

 

"Fine." She said, flatly - abruptly moving away from the counter, disappearing down the quarter in the direction of the sleeping quarters. She made her way to the pile of discarded clothes, sinking to her knees, drawing a shaking breath as she reached for his coat. She felt a tidal wave of nausea crash over her. Something.... Something was wrong. An unshakeable feeling of dread gripped her gut, clenching tight its deathly cold fingers. Ben? Or was it her own self, trying to dissuade her from... She swallowed back a rising bitterness in her throat, fingers closing around something hard and pulled the device from the coat pocket before pushing to her feet. Ben, she thought, just hold on - I'm not far now!

 

She returned to the small mess area, taking the tray in one hand. There were no utensils. She didn't trust him. She set the tray down beside him, pulling him forward firmly by his uninjured shoulder. She paused, drawing a deep breath.

 

"I don't think I need to remind you," She said softly, "I don't need a weapon." The crumpled blaster lay on the floor only a couple feet away, its presence was enough to finish the cautionary statement. She didn't think she would have to rely on threats, so she'd settled for a rather subtle warning, instead. She activated the device and unlocked the cuffs, seizing them and immediately stepped back out of reach. So long as he showed her that he... So long as he stayed in the harness, strapped into the seat... She leaned back against the sink, arms crossed over her stomach.

 

The feeling that had come to life in the back room had not left her. She paled considerably, her mind beating itself against a barrier she could not bypass. Her eyes searched the empty air for something that refused to be seen, her expression as worried as it was desperate. She could feel... She winced, suddenly pitching to the side, throwing her arms out to brace herself on the edge of the counter to keep herself from toppling to the floor, her leg smarted with a sudden, sharp pain. A small gasp escaped her lips as she pressed her hand to her leg but... There was nothing there. It had to be Ben.... She was so cold!

 

She slumped down to the floor, eyes wide. Terror. Was it her own out of concern for him or was it his? The sensation began to fade away - something that triggered a fresh wave of panic. What did it mean?!


	65. Chapter 65

Ben was heavy, yet some vague urgency had set alight his consciousness. A small candle in the ugly dark. He felt... Lonely again. He was adrift, on a hastily-built raft in his and Rey's ocean.

 

That same urgency that had awoken him had set movement into his weakened bones. He shifted. Still in the gentle, warm embrace of bedsheets. His mind ached as he tried to recall what he had last seen. There were faces. Kind, open, concerned. He had remembered the blurred moment as a feeling of laying down to watch the stars late into a night of safety. A rare night of his boyhood without Snoke. There was forgiveness and promise in those glistening stars that he did not deserve. His vision had not yet cleared. He thought his hearing might also have been somehow temporarily shut out. It was near silent, excepting a low, calm hum. His body was begging to be let back into sleep, yet his mind...

 

His mind had changed. A cold shroud had been drawn over his senses. Perhaps his bitter pain from the numbing crash? Or...

 

Vys.

 

Ben felt a hollowness that could not be described. All he knew was that it had punctured a hole in him. A deep, black pit that he couldn't yet comprehend. Perhaps he was still dreaming. He rubbed his eyes. Found the needle in his arm and pulled it from his flesh. A sound finally reached him. A kindly footstep across the floor. Ben's heart lifted. Despite the underlying dread, he was here, with the comfort of his mo-

 

Ben turned and saw his mother beside him.

 

Then the footsteps...?

 

He spied the hem of her black skirt. His blood ran cold. He flung the covers from his trembling limbs, forcing himself to sit. This was a nightmare. He was still asleep. Her pale chin met the clinical light. There was a line of blood, running from her lips of the same hue to the bottom of her chin. Her eyes were still covered. Boarded up windows.

 

Ben reached to his mother's shoulders. She didn't stir. He shook her softly. She was cold. Hardened. He searched and found nothing. There was no star, no dawn, save for a cruel crack of light that had come in Vysera's towering form.

 

A strangled sob, almost lost to the thick silence escaped his tightened throat.

 

His piercing eyes bulged, his shoulders hunching, as if he could make himself a shelter, a shield of his own body. He was still exposed. No more than a mouse, a toddler, a boy to be preyed upon by Snoke's cruel, long fingers all while he would make prayers for that dawn to come again and for his mother to rise with it and assure him that it wasn't real, that it was too awful to be the truth. Ben knew better. A nightmare would be a blessing in comparison. This time, the dawn would never come.

 

He was sinking. He had fallen from the mattress to the floor. His knee screamed in protest as he knelt upon his mother's lap. He would not listen to that lowly pain. A far greater pain was choking him, writhing within him. He was a string, struck into flying threads that wouldn't rest after what had been done. No more would he ever know rest. No more could he believe that he should ever be granted rest. He was at the bottom of the ocean. Unable to breathe.

 

He felt her come to his back. Her fingertips, her long talons met his shoulder.

 

Ben was a fire. An explosion. Pure, raw, untamed madness. He threw himself away from Leia's silent form and found his feet, only for his knee to buckle from under him, flinging him back against the cold floor.

 

"WHAT DID-!" Ben bellowed, losing his voice to stifling tears in mere seconds. "VYSERA!" He screamed. The scream was torn. "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

 

It was a stupid thing to ask. They both knew the truth. Ben fell on his back. He gasped for air, early tears already flooding over the sides of his face. What he screamed next he would not be able to call to memory. Only that he kept screaming, kept gasping until his voice had become hoarse, rough, splintered. As if he had chewed on thorns, tasted flames, swallowed ashes.

 

He had prepared for years for this moment. He had prepared himself for his mother's death. He should have known: there was no preparation. There was no protection against this.

 

He had begun to realise...

 

He balanced on his feet, throwing himself past Vysera. In the next chair, he could recognise the jacket. The hair. He remembered his eyes as bold, full of life, even if Ben had once thought him misguided. How could he think so?! He was close to his mother. There was surely not much between him and Ben in age. He had never seen the eyes of a man look with so much formidable bravery and wit in the lifting of one corner of his playful lips, than Poe Dameron had when he had first regarded Kylo. Kylo Ren at his most ruthless. Now his eyes were vacant. There was no bravery. No wit in his lips, only a feeble trail of blood, meeting with his opened throat.

 

He made a silent walk to the next chair. The edges of her hair had already crusted with dried blood. Her mouth gaping at what wasn't there. The smallest drip made a rhythmic splatter on the floor. Somehow more startling than the beating of an enormous drum. Ben found his heart with his hand. His breaths were stopped. Finn's kind eyes. Wide and fearing. They looked at him directly. His face locked in a silent scream. His soft features were once reassuring, offering Ben a comfort he wasn't sure he could ever find in such a place as that cell. Now these features were mangled into horrific disbelief. Ben reached a hand to his. He remembered him cupping Rey's face once more, taking a lightsaber in hand to purely defend her against Kylo's foolish, foolish wrath.

 

"Sorry." Ben spoke in a whisper. He felt as though he were trying to speak through a gag. "Finn I'm sorry."

 

He felt Vys behind him again. Her darkness was catching. Ben was back in a body of iron. He turned, a hound, baring his teeth. His skin burned. Mother... Sister, his brothers...

 

Ben had thought he had lost his voice. This wasn't so. He found that he was howling her name. She would delight in it. He could feel that delight. It powered him. He shot out his arm, sending a wave through the force in her direction but she pulled it apart, turning it into mist. Ben's tears were constant streams, the melted wax of his unbearable ferocity. He hurled a torrent of threats upon her, but none of them could wound her, even brush her. He was sending objects in the ship flying with his power, shattering a water glass, dismembering a table... He tipped over his bed, knocking the chair of his mother.

 

He paused. It was settling into his mind. His last memory. His mother's words. His word of love. Ben collapsed to the floor.

 

"Was it you?"

 

He couldn't see. His tears made him blinder than she could ever be.

 

"When I spoke to my mother..." Ben retched, he was close to being sick on the floor. "WAS IT YOU?!" He roared, slamming a fist into the ground.

 

No answer. How did Ben once regard murder without emotion? The appealing numbness was calling his name again...

 

No. He was so tired. Far too tired...

 

He buried his head to the floor, rolling on his side. Inanimate. Immobile. Bound, and weeping.

 

~

 

A blood curdling cry. Agony. She slumped to the floor, chest heaving with hideous sobs. She shivered. Cold. Freezing. Shock. Something thick and hot oozed down her cheek - pain radiated from her left eye. She blinked, trying to clear away the obstruction, her fingertips moving swiftly to the source of the pain, searching, tenderly touching the swollen socket.

 

_ What do you see? _

 

She sobbed. "Him!" She choked, her voice growing hoarse, lacerated by the screams of terror and suffering. "I see him!" She croaked, hunching over - it was petty insolence. The act of a petulant child in the grips of rebellion. Her arms wrapped around her stomach, sitting on her knees, she swayed slowly from side to side as if to receive comfort from the action. The rocking of a squalling baby.

 

_ What do you seek? _

 

She shook her head as if to ward off the voice. That creeping, insidious touch in her mind. Like the black veins in marble, she could feel its corruption seeping into her thoughts. She tried to move away but it felt as though she had been bolted to the floor. Only the steady drip... drip... drip... of something falling to the floor before her joined the sounds of her haggard breathing, the soft keening wails of pain.

 

"I w-want to go back h-home..." She whispered, a broken sound. Something moved in the darkness. Like a whip uncoiling. She braced herself. The pain would come. Soon. Very soon. She slumped on to her side, curling in on herself - hands reaching up to cover her head as if she could protect herself.

 

_ Then you need power. Strength. _

 

There was no pain. She trembled, pulling her hands away from her face. She stared, one eye wide as the form twisted. An undulating mass of writhing shapes. It was infinite - beckoning to her. Grotesque and yet... She could not look away. The pure horror of it compelled her to look. To see.

 

"I-I..."  _ Ben... _ As if it could hear her thoughts, as if it could see into her mind, her heart... Her very soul - it tightened, snapping and cracking. It spoke in a voice of broken bone, rending flesh. Its anger was the heat of blood freed from a still beating heart. Hope... So dim, so far... Could she possibly find her way back?

 

_ Hope is a prison! It binds you! _

 

She screamed, pain splitting her flesh as she flipped over onto her back - her spine arching. It felt as though something pulled at her heart, reaching... Tearing... Her hands clutched at her ribs - mindless sounds of pain filled the tiny room. It was the feeling of skin breaking under ragged dirty fingernails. It was the slap of skin against skin, the cloying scent of sweat and fear.

 

_ Hope blinds you, Vysera. _

 

There was a knife in her hands, she was sitting upright again. H-how? She had no recollection of ever moving. She was in near total darkness. The power cells were dying in her lamp. She realized she was on her ship once again - the same one that had collided with debris of a shattered planet, damaging the vessel. Yes, she remembered, her head had struck the console, she'd... She'd lost her left eye... She'd passed out, weak and starving. She'd run out of rations. There was nothing here in the darkness of space. Nothing but herself. No fuel. No way back... This was it. This was the end. She looked down at the twisting blade. She felt... Oddly calm. Detached. As if this was merely a holo-play she was watching from somewhere far, far away.

 

_ There is a way... _

 

She was not alone, after all. Something settled on her shoulder. Comforting in the inescapable weight of it. Oppressive, all consuming.

 

_ You just have to look. _

 

She glanced up - eye scanning the field of stars before her. There was nothing there that had not been there before, when she had determined she had strayed far from any charted star system. Tears slipped down her cheek as she shook her head.

 

_ But not.... With your eyes. _

 

She stared down at the knife. Sudden clarity washed over her. Her hands were steady, lifting the weapon to her remaining eye. Whatever it takes, she thought briefly, pressing the point into her right eye.

 

~

 

He pulled the needle from his arm - the last bit of comfort his mother could afford him, her efforts to ease his pain. Vysera smiled sadly as she approached. How little he appreciated the things that were done for him. She watched his head turn, seeing the form of his mother seated peacefully beside him. Would he appreciate what she, Vysera, had done for him? She'd made his mother's passing as peaceful as she could. Gently passing from one existence to the next. Not every death needed to be painful.

 

When she'd held Leia with the Force, she had felt the weakness in her body. She'd seen the creeping death within her already spreading through her mind and in her tissue. Her time was short, she had known it. Surely that is why she had not put up a fight. She wanted to leave. She wanted to be free. There were beings beckoning to her glowing soul. How could she refuse? Vysera had wished for such things countless times before.... Nobody had granted her the mercy she bestowed upon the aged woman.

 

Yet it was not thanks she would receive. That much was evident from the way he struggled to sit up - reaching for the shell of his mother. Couldn't he see? The body he searched for the signs of a pulse, or a wound was no more his mother now than the bed he sat upon or the light shining over him. She had been set free.

 

She knew the sound that escaped him. She knew that feeling, the way he crumpled over himself. Seeking protection. Comfort. She had been there, wanting to hide from the hard truths presented to her. She stood motionless near to the foot of the bed, watching the shape of his essence twisting... Writhing in agony.

 

He fell from the bed, tumbling to the floor, desperately making his way to the husk of his mother. No tears could bring her back. It was kinder this way. Gentler. He didn't have the guilt of having watched her dying. He would not be exhausted from the pointless struggle that would have ensued as he tried desperately to reach her and stop her from taking his mother's life. He didn't need to fight. She'd snuffed the candle and all he had to do now.... Was to breathe it in... Accept it. If only some of the lessons she'd been taught had been so simple.

 

She settled her hand on his shoulder, aware of his pain. It seeped into the Force surrounding them. Filling the air like smoke, she could see the currents of his distress, that heart rending ache. Beautiful, intoxicating... She savored it as it smoothed across her skin. Yet it was nothing compared to what came next.

 

How quickly he changed from that small dying light to a blazing fire. His rage heated the air, bringing a warmth to her skin that she'd not felt in years. If she could have wept, she would have. Joy and sorrow mixed together. If only he had come willingly... But, ultimately, she knew it was better this way. He was inferior now. He had to be broken down. Refined. Rebuilt. Let the fire of his unbridled rage be the fire to consume him...

 

He struggled away from his mother's corpse. Impressively, drawing himself upwards only for his failing body to collapse under him. Pitiful. Still confined to his body, to its physical restrictions. The Force was here, all around them - a tool waiting to be used but he did not reach for it. She knew why... He had not been pushed to that precipice. He had not been flung from the uppermost heights of desperation with only his will to save him. Soon, perhaps…

 

He already knew what she had done. Deep down, she was certain of it. He didn't need her to confirm it. He had to begin to trust what he felt. It had taken her years to understand. She had waited so long that she felt the stirring of impatience. He would have to catch up. These hard lessons would not wait. She would not wait forever. So much time had already been taken from them. She watched his anguish and his anger become one - screams that rattled her eardrums. Clawed at her mind as if he could impart this suffering upon her. She remained placid, watching him find his feet again. Stepping aside as he pushed past her. She frowned. So, he had to check... Had to look with his eyes, after all.

 

He moved to each one. The one who had beaten him... She'd seen it. The memories of those she slain often replayed before their eyes. Lives, condensed down into and relived in a matter of moments. For those brief seconds, she saw as they did. Their lives her were own. It was an intimacy unlike any other. A closeness they would never be able to share with another soul, not like this. Not like what they gave to their reaper.

 

Ben moved to Finn. She followed him like a shadow. She hoped it would be many many years before she shared that intimacy with him. Eventually, it would happen - she knew. She would collect him with hundreds upon thousands of others. A harvest of the darkest kind... What had begun could hardly be halted. At least, if it was her, it would be swift. Merciful. She was benevolent and generous...

 

He screamed her name. It was a pleasure. A delight. All of that raw power... In those brief moments, every fiber of his being was focused on her. He belonged to her. And it infuriated him further. He was stirred into explosive action. He rained destruction upon the room. Ravaged it with the heat of his temper. Yet... Curiously, he did not lift a hand to her. Did he think she was merely another apparition? A dream? A vision? Threats of the many ways he would end her and left his mouth in a torrent of torrid words. Words could not hurt her, however, so she merely watched, hands clasped before her as she watched his signature in the Force, calmly. Growth could be such an uncomfortable experience, she well knew. She could not interfere though she wished to go to him, to wrap her arms around him. Offer him soothing words... But that would be cruel. A lie. After all, the worst was yet to come.

 

He tripped, stumbling into his mother's chair. He paused a moment as if something was just dawning on him and then he had fallen to the floor. She took a step forward in spite of her efforts. Hand reaching for him.

 

_ ‘Was it you?’ _

 

Tears streamed down his face. If she had her way... If she was successful... He would never need to cry again. He would be incapable of feeling such pain. For these losses... They were precious. Distinctly individual. And as she erased those he had foolishly grown attached to, she would remove his ability to experience this agony.

 

_ ‘When I spoke to my mother... WAS IT YOU?!’ _

 

He was making himself ill, fist slamming against the floor. She remained silent, lips pressed together in a grim line. She couldn't explain it... Why she didn't want to take that memory from him. Perhaps it was because of what she had seen. Leia's love of her son was... Vast. Somehow, she had still loved him after all he had done - unconditionally with a purity that... Not even Vysera could make that boast. He had to know that. He had to see how dangerous it was. Not only to allow himself to be connected to the fragile lives of those around him but to allow others to be attached to him. He was the most intoxicating of poisons and she believed ardently that she alone was strong enough to endure.

 

He lay there. As though the fire had gone out. Weeping, tied by his misery. Finally, she made herself move, sinking to her knees beside him. Perhaps she was wrong... Maybe it was too much all at once. Instead of helping to reforge him stronger, perhaps it was too cold.... Not enough warmth and had made him brittle instead.

 

"She did love you." She whispered, smoothing fingertips through his hair. Soothing, gentle strokes. Just as she had the night she'd found him in a similar position, having just learned of his heritage all those many years ago...

 

"Would you like to see?" She offered, her voice soft. She could show him... Leia's last thoughts, her fleeting emotions... He could live her last moments, if that was what he wanted. She would grant him that, though she knew what people often desired was seldom what they wanted once it had been given to them.

 

"I did not do this to be cruel, in spite of what you must be thinking, Ben." Still a gentle tone, fingers still pushing through his thick hair, smoothing it out of his face. "Hope is a prison...." She whispered, learning down to plant a kiss to his temple. "And I will set you free."


	66. Chapter 66

Vysera brought herself closer, on her knees, next to him. He had shut out the light with his hands, covering his face and holding himself in a tight knot. He did not wish to further exhibit his despair, yet it was hardly logical to try and hide; she was blind to appearance and yet all-seeing of his mind and emotion, he was sure of it. He was certain that nothing could prevent her access to the depths of his distress, to explore and enjoy it as one might some performance or a musical composition, some sickening, recorded insult of his pain played for her pleasure.

 

His senses battled. He was walking along a wire-thin line. Pushed the edge. Dangling by his fingertips on a precipice. The icy reflection from his dream was breaking open underneath him as he was fast growing heavier, sinking into the floor...

 

No. Not again. It was her darkness, not his, and he was not weak enough to be called by its alluring tongue as a toddler might be drawn to the light of a candle.

 

Still, it was impossible to ignore the ache inside of him, something which had taken a firm hold of his weariness and loss and made him yearn for some support, any support. Yearning for any possible reaching hands that might slow or break his rapid descent.

 

He felt her skeletal fingers in his hair.

 

He would accept any other presence, he tried to convince himself. Just not hers. Anyone, anything excepting her. He knew it would be hopeless to seek out his bond with Rey. His pain moved her further and further into a happiness that could only have been a fantasy... that could have been a dream he had on Starkiller Base the whole time, after all. How could a glowing, sunlit horizon exist when so dark an abyss could exist with it? How could the golden light dancing on her hair possibly be a reality if in that same reality was Vys’ icy touch?

 

It was real. Just as his mother was real, Rey was real and alive. If she wasn't, from the agony Ben was in, he thought he might die otherwise. If it weren't for her he should die. He should die with mother...

 

At least then he might hold Leia... Hold her and know for certain, yes, this was her. This was his mother.

 

Vys would not end his tormented thought that she could have worn his mother's skin in what he had assumed was their final moment. His weeping hadn't ceased, but he no longer made a sound. Suddenly, to disturb the dead with his crushing despair was a sin in itself. He must allow them to somehow rest...

 

Vys' touch had frozen him. Pouring her thick, cold aura into his mind.

 

_ ‘She did love you.’ _

 

Ben tried and failed to swallow down the ball in his throat. He shuddered. He didn't want to look at her, didn't want to feel her, to listen to her. She was filth. There it was again: the call. The call to take her head in his hands and twist and twist until she came apart, until he could break her skull...

 

_ Destroy her. DESTROY HER! _

 

He shook his head. It was too much. He had stepped this way in his past and worse... He couldn't let her go. If he was alone, alone in that terrible, blood-soaked ship...

 

He fell from one end of the line to the other. Her touch was soft. She offered him some kind of twisted comfort, knowing him to be robbed and stripped bare of any other affection in Rey's absence.

 

_ ‘Would you like to see?’ _

 

Ben blinked. He did not want to look at her. He did anyway. Having spilled his emotions as she had spilled blood in the vessel, he was hardly able to lose even more than he had by showing himself to be drawn in and startled by her proposal. It was another trick. She would show him nothing but the most deranged visions of his mother that she could concoct.

 

_ ‘I did not do this to be cruel, in spite of what you must be thinking, Ben.’ _

 

A low growl born from quivering scarlet rage was let loose from his ground teeth. He wanted to scream again. His energy fluctuated. Adrenaline made his heart sprint at her foul words. What other motive was there?! Ben knew cruelty. This was beyond it. She had pried open a divine home with daggers, dismantled the dearest promise that he could make for himself with a right that wasn't hers. The promise being his return. That some shred of love, of innocence, of his true blood that he had finally, finally grown to accept might live.

 

His anger had turned on himself as well as her. How could he have taken so much for granted?! If Vys was the natural disaster to destroy the crops, Ben was the one to have mistreated those precious yields, feasting and tearing them up from the ground until...

 

He was the very last of his family's legacy. How naive to have once thought he would be liberated by such a fact! He had never felt so much like a prisoner as he did in this moment. It could only be comparable with Snoke...

 

She shifted the hair from his face. His eyes were anchored again to the floor.

 

He had been in this moment before. Many years prior. How differently he remembered her touch! Yet her movement was the same, as was her tone of voice when she had watched him in a despair not so immense as this one. Her eyes were young then, but her look was wise beyond her years. Ben had taken comfort in that. He could take nothing in the present from what he couldn't see. He had hugged her. Ben's current mind recoiled at the idea. Yet... And yet... He was so, so alone, just as he had felt that day. He had never recovered from such a loneliness, even with her company. Until... Rey.

 

_ ‘Hope is a prison....’ _

 

Ben brought himself back to his conscious mind. She was far too close. She would drive him to one end or another. Everything hung in a balance. He might kill her or be... No. Never submit to her, no matter how starved of tenderness he felt. Her lips brushed his head and Ben shuddered, like caving bricks. He squirmed away as best he could.

 

_ ‘And I will set you free.’ _

 

No. Liar! LIAR! She did not know! Ben's grief was not a route to freedom! He had learned that at a price far too high in the form of Han. Leia's death only confirmed it. Ben gasped in disgust. He pulled himself by his hands, as his legs refused to work, back to his mother's chair. Her features were unlike the others. The others were drawn apart, robbed, violated, disregarded. Leia was in a sleep, a sleep that had stolen her. Without another comfort to accept, Ben carefully lowered her body, until she lay with him. He pulled her to his chest. She was both heavy and light. Light, perhaps, because death has taken away the weight of life. Ben sank his head into her chest. Vys was ever-present, ever near him, waiting for his answer.

 

"No!" Ben snapped over his shoulder at her, holding Leia to his heart, his arms drawn tight around her. A protective gesture that had come too late.

 

"NO!" He hissed.

 

Ben couldn't express anything else. Merely a simple protest. He rocked Leia, cradled her. Now his child where he had once been hers. He thought, despite his protests...

 

Did she suffer? Even if she did not wear the horror of the others, Ben had, simply had to understand if she had suffered. Did she know he loved her, even if their last exchange had been a fabrication?

 

He reluctantly began to seriously consider Vys' offer. His mother's calmed and wrinkled features were the ripples of a lake. A young boy, splashing. The sun catching on the surface, creating diamonds. His mother in a rare moment of relaxation. Her bare toes stretched upon the grass.

 

Ben removed his mother from his grasp, though he held her hand, unable to fully break contact. He lifted his reddened eyes to Vys. How could she pain him more? It was foolish. He still had to...

 

"...show me." Ben gave in, his voice barely a whisper. "Please."

 

He finally let go of his mother's hand. Vys was close once more. She lifted her claws to his hair as she had done before. She was inches away. Ben closed his eyes, both to shut out her physical presence, and to prepare for what he would see.

 

A shiver across his lips. Then he felt her fully. She pressed her scarlet mouth to his, instantly drawing away his breath. Ben's heart skipped a beat. He rushed to separate himself from her snaking grip but before he could...

 

Leia was before him. Before her. She reached in, as a surgeon might. Vys was careful. Leia was... Leia was thinking of him. Even in this memory, Ben could feel the reality of fresh tears spilling over his cheeks. He wanted to scream, but he knew Vys was still devouring his lips with her own. Vys began to pull at the tethers of his mother's life. She was thinking of him. Concern had filled her heart. A little further... breaking the dams for the flow of death's waters to reach her...

 

Leia seemed to look directly at him.

 

Ben could say nothing. It was illusion, it didn't matter, nothing he did would matter because she was dead.

 

Her heart was pulled to a stop.

 

Ben was still bound in his limbs. A silent viewer, longing for nothing more than to be heard. He stretched non existent hands to her, but already the vision had disintegrated, leaving him and Vys, still locked in a kiss.

 

Ben felt her tongue roam his. He could taste iron blood. Blood that she had taken into her lips from the death around them. Ben spat her out. He launched his hands to her throat... Like in the elevator, if his anger had got the better of him. He fell upon her with all the weight he could summon and his fingers tightened until his knuckles were white.

 

His mind was howling but there was nothing he could bellow aloud again that would accurately depict what ruin he desired to bring on her for what she had done in only a matter of mere hours. She began to writhe, a beast; snarling, her teeth snapping. Her talons found his bandaged knee. She plunged her long nail into the open wound, making Ben's leg spasm. He made a sound between a groan and a frustrated cry as she raised her other hand and he felt something grow tight around his own neck. His eyes stung as he fell away, forced to let her go. The two of them gasped for breath.

 

Ben felt her hands lie along his wrists. She came on top of him, he could feel her breath tickling his neck. He shamed himself when another small sob was released from his raw voice. She tutted, pressing her limbs into his. She shushed him. Hissing in his ear. It was not in Ben's nature to show his fear. No, he would never be afraid. He glared back at her. He would not be used. Not like that, ever again.

 

~

 

She pushed her fingers through that luxuriously thick hair. Her dark prince. Perfection inscribed into every flaw. Every scar, every blemish on his radiant pale flesh. She'd felt them, fingertips memorizing his features on Vorkenna. How she longed to touch them again, to rid him of the thick material that caged him from her touch. There would be others... Other scars, each one telling a story - something that had happened during the time that had been stolen from them. Eventually, his sobs became silence, his body shaking as he continued to outpour his grief. All this suffering... At least he was not alone as she had been.

 

Yet it was not a soothing presence for him. She could feel his revulsion. His disgust at her kindly offered touch. It was hardly fair. He wanted to blame her. Lay all this tragedy at her feet. There was a time in everyone's life when they had to put aside childish things. What could be more childish than needing one's mother? When Vysera reached out, when she sought her mother's face in her memories it was... Dark. Shadows crossed over her form, blackness where should have been features. Time had faded those things. Or perhaps it was her freedom that shown her what she no longer needed. Eventually, she supposed, it would be the same for him. Time would take this ache from him and shadows would obscure Leia's face in time. Now, he could no longer be a slave to the tethers of the familiar bond. He was alone, now. Except for her.

 

She made her offer, then. If that was what he needed... To let go... Everybody learned in different ways. He was taken aback. He looked up at her face. She could feel it, the shift of his frame, the tilt in the direction of his attention. He was... Surprised. The offer had served to heat his blood. Anger. Her lips parted as if she could taste his rage in the air and wished to experience more. His low growl fell upon her ears and she shivered. How very.... Alive.... He was. Steeped in passion, a vibrancy in spite of the way she could sense a weariness. There would be time to cure that, later. He would first have to earn his rest. When she was certain he wouldn't haul off and try to leave her... Then he could be allowed to refill his empty cup. Until then...

 

Vysera watched with a morbid curiosity. She could sense him, hear him, pulling away. His hands heavy on the metal floor as he pulled himself to the corpse of his mother. Why cling so desperately to something that was already gone? Her lips twisted into a frown that was less than impressed at his ridiculous display. Hypocritical, however. She'd spent more than one night curled into a tight heap of misery, crying for the loss of her brothers and sisters - desperate with wild worry of what fate would fall upon Kylo in her absence. Would he survive? Without the others, it meant he would have to bear the full weight of Snoke's attentions. There would be no diversions...

 

_ ‘No! NO!’ _

 

If she had her eyes, they would have rolled at his protest. The seed had already been planted, however. He was still easily snared by curiosity. It was conflicting - how much she adored and abhorred his fragility. Everything that made him... So much more human than she could possibly feel. It was as if being so close to him... To see the wide array of his emotions that she could, for the briefest moments, feel the echo of her own. It was an addiction. She noted it, that she would have to manage the dose carefully. Ben was a clock wound backwards - the mechanisms straining. This fleeting pleasure had to be managed carefully, lest she broke him too soon and lost this precious sensation.

 

_ ‘...show me. Please.’ _

 

She moved forward, smoothly and swiftly as a snake through the grass. In spite of her need to control herself she could not resist his whispered plea. She stole his breath with a kiss, sealing his lips with her own, fingers smoothing to his temples. She opened her mind to him, allowing him to see... To feel Leia's final moments. Could he withstand it? To take her death within himself? Did he know this burden, to take with him the souls of those whose lives he took? To carry their last moments? Or was this to be yet another lesson?

 

The memories played out. Selfishly, ruthlessly, she took advantage of his unresisting form - he was lost in the moment of death, affording her a couple long moments where she could... Taste his tears, swallowing his muffled scream as her lips moved against his own. So warm... So soft... Her heart beat faster, an unholy thrill twisting through her veins. How she had longed for this... Determined to erase the corruption Rey had left upon him, to leave the imprint of her own lips in place of hers. She hadn't realized.... Just how much she needed to possess him in such a way. It should have been obvious. Yet she had thought herself immune to these primitive urges - believing that the things taken from her had left her free from the desires of the flesh and yet.... Here she was, craving such filthy things.

 

But as her tongue smoothed over his own, it appeared she had strayed a little too far. Too soon. A greedy beggar seizing the swaying purse strings of a plump pouch only for guards to turn their blades upon her. He pushed back, breaking out of the fading memory. He was savage. Disoriented from the sway of pleasure, the feeling of death, and sudden fire of his fury - she savored the harsh metal biting against her shoulder blades as she found herself pushed back. His strong hands wrapping around her throat. Hot and tight like bands of molten steel. She gasped, chest heaving as she tried to draw in breath. She could just.... Let it happen. Her lips parted, a small noise escaping her throat. She could feel the tender, smooth flesh rending under his fingers. She would wear the marks of his rage for days... Angry red lines that would turn deep and dark - starkly contrasting against the pallor of her complexion.

 

But she was no victim. Not anymore. Her hands rose to his wrists, scratching, digging - testing her strength against his own but in this instance, his purchase was too secure. The weight of his frame crushing her. In spite of the inherent danger, she could not deny the twisting hot coil of pleasure that unfurled deep in her belly. So close... Physically, he was so powerful, she relished his form pressed against her own. She groaned, her lungs burning with the desperate need to air. She knew in an instant that she could not succumb. Not now. Not that she realized there was so much more she desired from him... Needed from him.

 

Her hand smoothed down his leg, she sought that weak point, scraping the bandage from his wound with desperate movements becoming more and more sluggish as her awareness began to waver. A second later she had plunged her fingertip into the wound. The sound that escaped his lips summon a greedy moan from deep in her own throat, relishing the way his leg twitched, betraying him with spasms he could not control. The weakness of the flesh... Could there be anything more beautiful to exploit? His grip loosened for a moment, just enough for her to pull in some desperately needed oxygen - his change in posture allowed her to reach his own throat, her hand twisting around the thick column, fingertips pressing to the flesh - she had no desire to rip out his throat, truly, yet she couldn't accurately describe the pleasure of digging in her fingertips around the point of his weakness. She need only twist...

 

The moment passed. He released her, falling back. For a few brief seconds they both panted, gasping air. Chests heaving as if they had been engaged in another activity altogether. She twisted to the side, seizing his wrists, pinning them to the floor above his head as she slipped one long leg over his frame, sitting astride him. She leaned down close, pressing her chest to his. Her lips grazed his neck, that soft flesh... She inhaled deeply, drawing in his scent. Sweat. Her body shuddered at the small, desolate noise that escaped him.

 

"Hush..." She whispered, pushing her nose against the soft lobe of flesh of his ear. She could not see him glaring at her, only knew the rigid resistance of his body beneath her. She chuckled softly. The irony... Didn't he appreciate it? Had he forgotten?

 


	67. Chapter 67

~

 

"We're going to get into trouble!"

 

Vysera laughed at him, pulling herself up the ledge of the windowsill. She looked over her shoulder, sticking out her tongue.

 

"When has that stopped us?" She taunted, bracing herself before reaching for the drainage pipe. Her young frame was lithe, agile. Strong. All traits she had no mind flaunting in front of his dark eyes. She knew he was watching, concern on his features as she climbed higher and higher. She paused, thighs holding the pipe tightly as she peered down at him.

 

"Are you really going to make me do this alone?" She asked, her tone playfully upset. He shook his head at long last and hastened to the side of the building, climbing hastily behind her. She grinned widely, hastening her own progress. They'd been sneaking out after curfew for weeks now, to practice their formwork. It was her favorite thing to look forward to. They'd been getting more and more inventive in the places they would go. Tonight, she'd chosen the rooftop of the temple.

 

She pulled herself up onto the roof, shuffling to the side and sat down, legs dangling over the edge as if she hadn't the slightest concern for the danger that could easily befall either of them. She watched his progress, chin settling in her palm, elbow braced on her knee. He'd changed over the summer. He was losing that gangly stature of a boy. His shoulders broadening and his muscles growing with the more physical aspects of their training.

 

"Watching me won't make this any faster!" He grunted with exertion - climbing would be a little more difficult for him. His frame was larger, he weighed more... She didn't mind the view, his sleeves rolled up above his elbows. She looked away, drawing a deep breath. It could never be, she told herself. The Jedi training forbade it. Yet... Sometimes, when they sparred... She thought she saw her own timid thoughts echoed in his own face. Or the way their attention would wander during meditation and she would find her wandering gaze met by his own, a secret smile exchanged between them.

 

She tried to tell herself that she delighted in these harmless acts of rebellion simply because Ben was more relaxed when it was the two of them... Especially after... She shook the dark thoughts aside, offering him a wide grin as he slung his arms up over the guttering, finally pulling himself up onto the sun-warmed tiles, still holding the heat of the day though the moon had claimed supremacy of the sky.

 

Panting softly, he settled himself beside her.

 

"So slow, Solo!" She found herself needing to break the relative silence, punching his arm softly. He made a noise of protest, getting to his feet, offering her his hand. She hesitated a split second before settling her palm against his. So warm... So...

 

"Let's see about that, shall we?" He directed them to the flat space above the temple kitchens, their steps light on the tiling. They had not brought weapons - their lightsabers would be too loud and carrying up the training sticks would have involved having to sneak in to grab them, first. It was to be hand-to-hand.

 

They stood face to face, grinning. Grinning like fools. Too young to realize that they had no right to smile, that happiness was merely an illusion. That misery waited for them... Not far away, now. They bowed before stepping into their chosen stances.

 

It was fluid poetry. They knew each other so well. Attack. Block. Counter. Duck. Strike.... She loved these sparring matches. The perfect unison of their movements. Almost like a dance. Hands grazing lightly in touch contact - they weren't aiming to injure one another, after all. It softened the experience. Forearms meeting against forearms - twisting back. His form was strong, her motion was seamless. She caught herself admiring his dark hair, the shape of his nose, his lips as he turned to the side, diverting her strike with a gentle palm to her arm, misdirecting the attack. She had been too distracted, he moved his foot, a subtle twist of his leg and she was knocked off balance.

 

A soft sound of fright escaped her as she realized she was falling. He reached for her and they were both tumbling, slipping down tiles. She was scared! So scared! He pulled her close, they settled in the dip of the roof, her slim frame settled upon his - their chests heaving. She stared down at him, surprise and awe in her expression - cheeks flushed. His were, too, she noted - a swelling of her heart that was forbidden.

 

"Ben..." She breathed, leaning down. In the next moment she found herself on her back, he was laughing - a lightness in his eyes as he got to his feet, offering her his hand to help her to her own feet. She shook her head, clearing away the thoughts of temptation. The moment had passed, his gaze was turned up to the stars. After a moment of studying his profile, she shifted her gaze to the heavens as well. A whole night sky of glittering stars could not compare to the beauty held in him.

 

~

 

Rey thought the worst had passed. That the phantom of pain had moved on. That was when she felt it... Like a breath exhaled after being held for so long... Her eyes grew misty, tears building on the edge of her lashes.

 

"Leia..." She whispered, closing her eyes tightly, drawing her knees up to her chest. A misery so complete, so... Endless, settled over her like dew, weighing down the slender stalks of the gentle greenery of compassion and sympathy. The sensation of loss was overwhelming - it felt just as it had with Luke. Except there was no peace. No purpose. This was wrong! So wrong! Darkness was spreading out like leaking oil from a split fuel line. Her heart beat, faster and faster with a sense of mounting dread. H-how? What was happening? Desperation in her own chest was rising, a frantic, biting, burning... She struggled, failing to keep her breathing in order - something was... Her chest heaved, the sounds of her labored breathing filling the small space.

 

Leia was gone! She had to know! She needed to see! Was she with Ben? Was she alone? Oh, Ben! She sobbed, stricken with sympathetic pain. Oh, her love! Her poor, poor Ben! She needed to be with him! Oh, please! She reached out, forcing all of her will, all of her strength through the Force - seeking that thread that tethered their souls together.

 

And... She gasped! Her body seizing, slipping the rest of the way to the floor. Convulsing with agony. His injuries were her own, a crippling pain in her leg. Her muscles ached - strained, she was bruised and bleeding! Her hands clawed uselessly at her flight suit. Something slipped from her pocket, unheard and unheeded as she twisted and writhed - caught in the hold of their bond. She c-couldn't breathe! A scream of pain tore past her lips, eyes wide but unseeing. Burning hot tears arced down the sides of her face. Her hand reached - straining for something, fingers splayed, desperate to....

 

Leia in Ben's arms. His pain was her own. She could barely connect two rational thoughts together - true understanding of what she was seeing would not come until later. Connecting the tattered pieces of the glimpses stolen. She didn't realize she was sobbing. Mournful, terrible sounds - bereft of hope. She curled in on herself, drawing her knees up as his grief washed over her. The burning hatred hot on its heels. She lashed out blindly, struggling to her knees as if she could see a threat in the small confines of this shuttle that the only other passenger could not.

 

"VYSERA!" She howled, bloodlust in her voice, the promise of violence dripping from her posture, fists tight as she got to her feet. Beastly, terrifying. Perhaps it was simply a trick of the light, the veins under her skin darkening as she acknowledged the darkest of urges spreading through her thick and hot like poison. Was this her desire? Was this his? She struggled, trying to see their surrounds. She thought she recognized the crumbled ruin of a column... They were on Vorkenna! Just as Ben said! He'd made it! And she.... Was hopelessly behind!

 

It took all of her might to tear herself free of the connection. She was left trembling, pale and shaken but spurred on with relentless determination. She'd forgotten about Hux's presence, the fact she'd left him unshackled as she strode to the cockpit. She slipped into the chair, sweat clinging to her frame as she frantically moved her fingers over the control. She was a flurry of activity, a whirlwind of purpose. She was moving through the shuttle. She knelt by a grate near the loading ramp where they had come in. She tore it away with the Force, it clattered against the wall behind her as she pitched forward, adjusting wires, toggling switches and at long last, tore something mechanical free. The shuttle shuddered and groaned - the light dimmed and alert sounds began to repeat. Shrill, urgent. 

 

The craft was plunged into chaos.

 

But she knew what she was doing... Disable the safety protocols... Override the compressor unit... She got to her feet, scrambling in the near darkness to settle herself in the pilot's seat once more. Hastily, she strapped herself in with one hand while the other was tampering with the instrumentation. They would burn a lot of fuel now. But the speed of the craft had dramatically increased. For a moment, her mind drifted to Han. His bravado, his confidence... All the while, she wondered if he felt the trembling apprehension she did - would this work? Or would she find the end of her life smashed into the landscape of Vorkenna with the wreckage of this shuttle pressed in around her?

 

Hold on, Ben! Fight her! She urged silently, though she was certain the connection had closed. She could feel nothing of his strife now. Only the adrenaline and burning sense of urgency. It seemed, finally - there was an end in sight! They would be together soon, their enemies defeated and... They broke out of lightspeed, breaking through the atmosphere above Vorkenna. It should have been impossible but she'd done it! She let out a sound of jubilation - but the craft was running on fumes - the fuel burn! She swore, pulling hard against the directional controls, hands clenched tight around the columns of metal. She rolled the ship, a tight twisting spiral and then... The shuttle evened out but.... Landing.... That could be tricky... Her eyes were wide, scanning the surrounds for what could possibly be used for a landing pad. She had no idea where she was in terms of coordinates - how far the Capitol building was... That was... That would be a problem for after landing!

 

She spotted what looked like a long stretch of water.... A fountain. She brought the ship down, losing control as they neared the ground. The impact was hard, the terrifying crash of metal bending and equipment breaking. She was jerked violently in her seat, biting through her tongue at the sudden impact, teeth smashing together. Her mouth was hot with blood, her head spinning - the craft was skidding along the ancient stonework! For a moment she lost track of everything - acutely aware that the hull integrity was rapidly declining. The cockpit window shattered, a sound of pain escaped her as shards of glittering glass caught in her skin. Then, the craft began to tip, rolling onto its roof, she sat suspended in her chair, arms hanging down as water began to fill the ruin of the ship. At last they had come to a stop! With a groan, she began to work at her harness.

 

She fell onto the roof which was now, disorienting to try to comprehend, the ground. Water soaked into her clothes but she paid it no mind, struggling to free herself of the mangled remains - thanking all the stars that the water was not deep! Her thoughts were only of finding Ben as she tore free and took off running. All of her years of physical conditioning seemed to have pointed to this singular moment. Fleet and light... She climbed over obstacles, not heeding the roads - making her own paths as she ran towards the looming structure of the Capitol building.

 

~

 

He knew by now of her more primal nature when pushed to her limit. He had recalled in his mind, while waiting in his seat, Kylo Ren's own fascination with the girl; choosing her instead of the map... and then she scars his face and leaves him unconscious twice, possibly having a hand in Snoke's death... Hux should have seen the early signs of what feats she might achieve, what spells she might cast when she was brought to the edge. The mere idea of her power was something to fill him with excitement. If only he could have harnessed it... He did not consider her desperation, her strength in the magic that he couldn't understand, to be a madness. He thought his life with Kylo, his servitude under Snoke had shown him what exactly the Force was capable of. While he could not understand it, he did not fear it. The pain he had endured through the manipulation of the Force was only a manual punishment in disguise. He had been thrown to the floor, against the walls and choked by hands as well as the Force. The invasion of the mind, however, was a different matter. Words, hands and blunt weapons could hardly inspire nightmares or read thoughts to the extent of Force users. Kylo had been merciful. He refrained from knowing more than he needed to simply make Hux resent him. Yet Rey? And Snoke too?

 

He still refused to fear it. He was merely taken with it, as he was any form of power. There had been times, though he would never confess them, that he had envied such power. He used to think of what it would mean to simply draw the thoughts of another person into his own mind. He used to secretly revel in Kylo's shows of power, feeling the heat of the air in his silence with something near to eager bloodlust, knowing still, that no blood would even be drawn.

 

_ ‘I don't think I need to remind you, I don't need a weapon.’ _

 

He saw the crumpled blaster and he would have smirked, if it weren't for her whisper. Yes. It was impressive. He couldn't deny it. He was released. His arms strung with aches from the straining sensations he had endured. He felt the stings of his wrists. She had already darted backwards. If he were in a better mood, he might have reaped some satisfaction from her wary reaction. Still, he would have thought her a fool not to be wary of him.

 

There was a silence as he gladly stuffed himself with what she had given. No point in pretending otherwise. Her attention wasn't even fixed on him. He watched her, intrigued by her distant look. What occupied her sight?

 

The first sign came when he noticed her stumble. In the corner of his eye, he had continued to observe her, leaning on the sink. He glanced at her fully in question. Her fingers thumbled to find her leg, but what was she searching for?

 

She sank to the floor, her eyes had some hidden panic in a language he didn't know.

 

Hux leapt to think it all over; what had he missed? What mistake had she made to throw her randomly into such a state? Could it be the key to his escape?

 

Since this first sign, she was different. Hux began to speculate. He would not take his eyes from her. Could she be ill? Had his games with her truly upset her, damaged her so much? He supposed if such a thing were the case, he could hardly help her. He remained seated. It was only until her heard the names from her that his speculation broadened.

 

_ ‘Leia…’ _

 

Hux almost hadn't heard her, her voice was so small. Her breathing became laboured. There were... Tears? Yes, definitely! Tears in her eyes. Soon her weeping was audible.

 

General Leia Organa.

 

She couldn't be... Could she be?

 

Then... What did it mean for Kylo Ren? Had he killed her?

 

Rey's arm was outstretched. It was a common gesture for wielders of the force, yet Hux saw no motion within the shuttle. What did she think she was doing? What could she be searching for?

 

Hux hesitantly unbuckled his harness, taking his time, attempting to convince her- he meant no immediate harm...

 

Yet he could strike. She was rapidly weakening, he could see it in her face paling. Then, something unseen struck her in his place. She was writhing, her breaths raw and loud. A beetle on her back. He watched her, half-mesmerised by this imaginary pain that seemed to have possessed her body. He saw the digital pad that had been the key to the freedom of his hands slip from her pocket. It would be too soon to take it with her in such close proximity and yet... So taken by this distant pain... Hux stared at the sight in numb silence. He was a predator. He gazed longingly at the pad that he would pounce on. The slip that would be his easy and direct means to bringing an end to this mess. She might as well have given it to him.

 

She had curled into a shuddering ball. Hux kept his distance. He was glad to have done so as only seconds later, she had turned, her hardened eyes fixed on a point behind Hux's shoulder. He turned in alarm, only to be presented with nothing. Rey was throwing out her arms, no longer reaching... But fighting. Fighting what?! WHAT?! Hux had never believed her to be insane...there must have been some other explanation. Any explanation...

 

_ ‘VYSERA!’ _

 

Hux flinched. Her voice could have silenced an entire army. Yet that wasn't what bothered him the most. What made his heart jump, what made his brows furrow to fully illustrate his utter confusion, was that her voice... Her eyes... Hux had seen and heard that pure, animalistic rage before. Yet not in her face, and not from her tongue. He knew it from the towering, dark shape that he had brought into a fury many times prior. His burning wrath, somehow addictive. Somehow, perhaps only through delusion, he was seeing the face and hearing the voice of... Kylo Ren.

 

Then there was Vysera. What part did she play? Hux's thoughts raced. There wasn't time... He would consider it later. She had already marched to the cockpit and he was unlikely to have a chance like this again. His eyes locked on her, his fingertips reached the device. He needed no more time. He pocketed it. She was still distracted. Feverish.

 

He heard the sound of metal splitting, shrieking in protest and the following clatter against the wall. He couldn't afford to stare. While she was busy... While she was, couldn't he-

 

-a definitive ripping sound followed her frantic rummaging. Hux froze. What was she DOING?! Alarms incessantly cried as the ship trembled, the lights having changed seemingly to some emergency power. Hux remembered her tampering with the spacecraft they has used to get to Jira. Surely this wasn't a random act. Surely, surely she couldn't be so deranged, so damaged as to destroy them both like this?!

 

Hux wanted nothing more than to scream at her, but it would draw attention to himself. He didn't have time. He was already accessing the Ordinance, his fingers fast tracing over the screen, readying to send an emergency signal when...

 

They were pulled into lightspeed. Hux was knocked off balance. He clutched the back of a chair to stay standing as they hurtled forwards. This was no ordinary jump. They were tossing through the very fabric of space. He would not let go of the device, he pocketed it once more, aware that his plan would mean nothing if the Order found him dead in some floating wreckage.

 

With a harsh crash of halting energy, he realised they had arrived... In some planet's atmosphere. Where...?

 

The ship began to twist.

 

Hux raced to find a chair, unable to find the time or the balance to fasten himself properly, he could merely launch himself upon a seat, taking two harnesses tightly in his hands as the entire structure made a full, speeding rotation, throwing him up and down like a puppet. His shoulders were thrashed upon the top of the seats, adding a further injury to where that blaster had hit. Hux was not a man to scream, but under these circumstances, he did not bother to restrain himself.

 

Just as the ship began to even in the air, there was an almighty, blood-curdling smash of metal below them. Hux stole a glance at the cockpit, only to see it fracture. Glass shards were zipping backwards through the air. Hux ducked behind the back of a seat with some limited success as the entire ship was tipped once more. He too was flung upside down. He hung on for dear life, until his grip was torn by the sudden stop. He felt the air be broken by the ruthless smack of his backside on what he realised was the ceiling. The only thing to cushion the impact met him in the form of cooled water, instantly soaking him to the bone and drenching his clothes, until he was a living weight, an immovable boulder.

 

Hux blinked and spluttered, trying to find a new bearing. He staggered to his feet, more bruised than even he could quite remember.

 

She had already raced from the ship, even before he could open his mouth to merely bellow at her in his uncontainable maddening rage.

 

Priorities, he reminded himself. He hadn't realised his face, his back had started to bleed.

 

He crawled out of a crumpled door, as crumpled as the blaster, collapsing fully into the water. He knew this place.

 

He thought she would take him to the resistance. Of all places, why... Why HERE?!

 

It hardly mattered. It was, after all, somewhat convenient. Hux finally found the pad. Still miraculously intact. He finally sent an emergency signal and his co-ordinates. Rey was already disappearing in the direction of the Capitol building. Did it hold all the answers?

 

Hux thought through that fateful night. Kylo at Rey's side in the elevator. Surely he must have recognised her? The way he had pushed Hux away. The same way he had pushed Hux from his bedroom doorway...

 

Hux turned back to the Capitol building. Whether it held the answers or not, if his body willed it, he would discover whatever truth had been laid bare in this place, just as he had discovered Rey's identity before.

 


	68. Chapter 68

She hadn't known she could move like this. A wild, desperation propelling her forward as if she'd been shot from a ventral cannon. She covered ground quickly, relying more heavily on her willpower the closer she came to the capitol building. Her heart felt ready to explode, her pulse felt like a tangible beast, ready to rip its way out of her veins. Sweat dripped from her frame - she was still weak from the last several days. A single hearty meal of ration portions did not make up for the accumulation of her poor treatment. She was weak from the places where CS-9874's dagger had left penetrating marks in her leg, and she had not fully healed.

Yet none of that mattered. Not the aching in her feet - the blisters forming and bursting, decimating her ability to run comfortably in a few short miles. Not the fire in her lungs, her heaving gasps coming too soon and too shallow to truly give her relief. Not the feeling of broken glass lodged in her throat, nor the fatigue settling into her muscles like a poison seeping into a well.

What mattered... Was that the capitol building was looming before her. Ben was there! She was going to see him! She vaulted over the barrier placed to keep people out of the crumbling, unstable building - legs churning as she made her frantic pace up the stairs. Half running, half limping. But that didn't matter. She could still move, she would still fight! Together, they'd vanquish Vysera. There was no alternative that she could be persuaded to consider. Especially knowing what she'd done to Leia, the pain she'd caused Ben! She could never forgive her, nor let her remain such a powerful threat. After, they could return to Finn and the others - arrange a burial... More importantly, she could steal him away to properly mourn, hold him tight with the assurance she would never part from his side. His pain... She'd never felt anything like it. So potent, so all-consuming she thought she would go mad! She would do everything within her power to ensure he never had to feel it again.

She leapt through a broken window, broken glass offering a biting kiss to her palm, a scarlet note left in her wake. She'd had no other choice, after finding the doors to be boarded up, seizing what appeared to be a shattered flagpole on her way through the foyer, ripping the tattered remains of the First Order flag from it's mangle end. She didn't need a weapon, it was true - but having something felt more comforting in her grip as she charged up the stairs. If nothing else, it would serve to mount Vysera's head - a warning to all who would dare to bring suffering to Ben! The power to the building appeared to be cut - not a sound, no motion at all... She was beginning to get worried. Surely.... So close, she would be able t-to feel...

She couldn't allow herself to feel doubt. Nor fear. She knew what she had to do. By the time she reached the upper floor, she was run ragged. Her body shaking, her stomach... She lingered in the stairwell, heaving up the contents of her stomach, the exertion was demanding its dues. Trembling, she pushed away from the wall, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, dragging herself up the last remaining stairs, pushing through the doors and....

Nothing but a cool breeze greeted her on the open-air ballroom floor. Nothing but the carnage of the attack. The obliterated balcony, the shattered glass from where she'd brought down the ornate roofing... She stared. Denial barely staved off the feeling of something breaking deep down inside. Yet it did. Something soft and warm, shattered into a million incandescent pieces. She froze, her eyes seeing but her mind disbelieving. Shock bleached her skin, she was a pale ghost, shuffling to search the room for proof other than what her eyes were already telling her... Her steps were tender, her toes slick with something hot inside her boots.

This... She had seen... She turned 'round and 'round in the center of the ballroom. This was it. She was certain this was where they... But they weren't. There was no valiant struggle, no huddled form of the despairing Ben cradling his mother... She could not even feel Vysera's toxic presence lingering. She had been... Deceived. She didn't think such a thing could be possible! Yet there was no sign of them anywhere... The threat of defeat threatened to bind her in place, her limbs felt leaden. Her body was weary, too weary, perhaps.

She swayed on her feet, she felt lightheaded. She shook her head, trying to regain her focus. If they weren't here, then... There was no reason to stay! Determination. That was all she could hold onto. Her spirit refused to surrender - she would not... No, she COULD NOT give up! She turned back, to leave the way she'd come but the doors burst open - white armored troopers began to pour in. Eyes widening, she turned and bolted towards the balcony - the broken cliff face. Perhaps she could scale her way down, or... Or jump and try to use the Force to survive the fall. She stood on the edge of the balcony where she'd mistakenly saved Hux's life and stared down at the heaving ocean waves below. The sound of ship engines had filled her ears - everywhere... All around her! The entire building - troop carriers... Soldiers sliding down twisting black ropes. She was surrounded! This had somehow all been a trap and she'd slid right into it without question! Horror beat her heart like a savage drum, vicious and uncompromising - tearing through her nerves. It rattled at the cage of her ribs and threatened to blind her. Nausea crashed over her. She felt ill, clutching at her stomach.

She was being forced back, back to the center of the room - a circle of identical armor. Among them, crimson shoulders. Squadron leaders. She twisted her makeshift weapon in her hand. Sh-she would not be intimidated! She'd faced them. She'd killed them. They could never... Do that again. Not to her. Not to anyone. Simultaneously, they'd all lifted their blasters. If they.... If they all fired at once, there was no way she could possibly.... Deflect them all. She threw the flagstaff down, lifting her hands. Not in surrender. Never in surrender.

Fear. Anger. Pain. Suffering.... She moved, slowly, eyes scanning them. For what she didn't know. The despair was leeching into her, bleeding out her ability to reason. It stole her breath, crushing her throat. She could see them only through the blur of tears forming in her eyes. Frustration, fury.... Desperation was stealing her focus. She was only vaguely aware of the sharp scent that filled the room - the pungent smell of something electrical.

Let go! LET ME IN! I CAN DO THIS!

The voice... Her voice! The one of darkness screamed at her. It offered her something she needed. A solution. A way out of this mess and... For a moment, she thought she could see Ben. Just the shape, an outline. Nevertheless, she reached for him. Perhaps, he could show her where he was! Her fingers extended but she did not touch him. Violently, it split her head like a bolt of lightning. Her ears rang with the sound of it - a violent crack, the sundering of stone.

It wasn't just in her head.... Her eyes wide, struggling to see as if she had been momentarily blinded. She realized it was her! It was them! A handful of the soldiers collapsed, their armor scorched, just as the now-cracked marble beneath them became smoldering remains. Light blue energy arcs crackled around her hands and yet she was not harmed by them. They were a part of her... A manifestation of her chaos! She stared up in wonderment; the ranks were breaking, startled by this sudden display of power. Or so she thought...

She had not sensed the danger coming, did not see a mismatched figure slipping between the shoulders of the identical squadrons. She could only hear the eerie surging of the power building as she pulled her hands back, about to direct this dark and powerful energy upon the remaining troopers. It was their own fault, the voice assured her, they should not have stood in her way!

~ 

Though he would certainly deny it, Hux did not deal well with humiliation. It seemed ridiculous, since he had been humiliated countless times before, but this was what had also instilled in him his hatred of that very same emotion. His very life, along with his power, having already been thrown into the balance multiple times in the course of a few hours, was such a humiliation. To suggest that he was furious would be an understatement. He was practically frothing at the mouth. His head felt as if something was attempting to break into his skull. He couldn't properly stabilise himself, given the weight of his soaked attire. The once snowy white and luscious cape was now a mockery: stained with his own blood, drenched grey and covered in dirt… he believed he looked ludicrous.

He pulled himself from the waters. Delivering a fierce tug in the right place, he detached his cape, tossing it to the water at his feet. A long cut had been made to his forehead. He brushed over it with his wet sleeve and his sleeve was stained with red. He was seething, fuming, no longer fearing, no longer waiting for escape. He could see hundreds of troopers already making a formation over in the distance of the Capital building, the rest quickly coming to stand before him. Captain Opan was at the head of them. He was clearly attempting to remain numb and unopionated, but Hux glimpsed a twist to his lips - a smug observance of Hux’s wet, bruised and battered form. He was like the rest. He was like Hux. Too much like Hux. He might have already been considering the crown... He was unlucky that Hux was in so bad a mood.

“Emperor.” He greeted dryly, a small smile pulling up the corners of his mouth. “So glad to see you're-“

“-Give me your blaster.” Hux demanded in a bark.

Opan stared at him. The nearby ranks paused. This was public. Hux could not care. All the better! Opan hesitated. He should not have done so.

“Give. Me. Your. Blaster.” Hux ordered once more, his voice a low growl.

Finally, Opan delivered Hux his blaster. Hux’s eyes narrowed. This time, he was the one to scan him up and down with a slight smirk. He was not in a mood to think twice. He was not weak-willed. He was not to be lured by sympathy, by temptation, by anymore patience, by tactics, or by servitude, but would find a new way of thinking... an entirely different galaxy was about to emerge, and nothing, NOTHING would stop it!

Hux fired. A mirror wound to that of his own shoulder blossomed under Opan’s uniform.

Silence was struck among the watching troopers. Hux took a howling Opan by the collar, which helped to quieten him.

“There are daggers in the smiles of traitors and liars.” Hux sneered. “Do not let me see such a treachery in your smile again.”

Hux shoved him back to the nearby troops. Hux lifted his chin, glaring over all who were watching.

“Shall we march then?!” He called, his echoing voice filled the area. “There is a disease amoung us!” He shrieked. “A disease that has spread, even to me! It is a disease that will be CUT OUT!” He gathered his breaths, standing tall, standing as still as they were. “Shall we march upon our land?!” He encouraged in a thundering scream. “Shall we take back our prisoners and reinstate order?!”

A quick salute in response, and then they fell quickly and obediently into motion, which served to somewhat ease his mood, though not by much. Fear needed to be reinstated. They used to fear Kylo Ren. They used to fear Snoke. Would they fear the likes of Hux?

Hux was offered assistance, even a ride on a small craft for the journey to the Capital building, but he would not show this weakness. He spurred himself on, a beast, eager to hunt. He would hunt with his army, his people. He reached the columns. Already there was chaos. A grotesque, burning smell. He thought he saw arcs of blue in the distance. He broke into a run, the blaster still in hand until he met the fringes of the crowd. He broke through, coming easily to the front.

There she was, far too wild to be questioned, so Hux’s longing for answers would have to wait. Her hair blew about her shoulders. She appeared to possess a surprising strength despite her paled, fractured form. He was not fooled, not by her startled looks and her wide, naive eyes. Not this time. Hux had the blaster in a tight grip behind his back. She set on him those same eyes which were wearing the disguise of innocence and desperation. The connection of their stares had released a power, an energy that had silenced the scene of chaos. That would bring a perfect order...

The troops stood stock-still. Time seemed to have drawn to a complete halt. If she was like Kylo Ren... if she could catch the burning laser before it...

No time to think of it. Her thin legs. Her glistening eyes and raised chin. The deer in the forest. They’re only animals. He could see himself at the target posts. He might only have a single chance before she could...

She hadn't plunged that knife into the very wound she had inflicted on him. Yet she would later crash a ship, very nearly slaughtering them both. The very disease that Hux had discussed. The wild infection, yelling names of invisible figures out loud to herself. Pulling, tampering, breaking apart the mechanics, the machines. Pulling even Hux's own heart apart, when he had been so certain, so sure that he did not possess a liability! That he did not possess that weakness! the very weakness she had exploited, ruining him. Hux could only register his own breaths. Sweat had materialised on his brow.

He had raised the a blaster in front of children. When he himself was a child. He had raised the barrel in front of soldiers. When he himself was a soldier. All of it just the same. A game of war for a child and an adult to play over and over, and over... cut it out! Cut it out before it can spread!

This is who you are!

He obeyed whatever voice it was that he heard. His own? His father’s? Rey’s own?! The blaster was lifted and he did not fully comprehend what it would strike, until he pulled the trigger.


	69. Chapter 69

“Yes, it is true.”

Ben stared into the cracks of the floor tiles. He was aware that the students crouched all around him had been frozen, just as he was. That everyone’s eyes were glued to his slumped form, paralysed, or hypnotised by the ice-cold, morbid anticipation. His mother’s voice was unlike what Ben knew. It had tremors. It was not so strong. It was not full of comfort. A reminder that nothing, even the safety of a mother’s arms, could last.

“Darth Vader... is my father.”

Ben could no longer translate sound into a language. He felt nothing. He was blind to the temple, to the dropped jaws and wide eyes of his peers. Even the sound of the broadcast had faded into a meaningless droning melody. A silence had been laid over him, numbing and dark as the lid of a coffin. He heard the final words, but would not understand them.

"On behalf of my fellow senators, I first wish to say that I appreciate Princess Leia's honesty... however late it was in coming."

He could feel footsteps already approaching. Luke’s heavy gait. Tentative fingertips reached to his shoulder and he followed them, he followed her arm all the way up to Vysera’s perplexingly knowing look, and the long dark hair, tied like a rope over one shoulder. Her eyes held everything that Ben did not feel, that he could not grasp. Security. Knowledge. Assurance. How could she be calm? So certain? He shook his head, over and over, though he knew that such an action would not brush away what he had heard. What he knew. Raising himself from the ground, his legs trembled. He swallowed, finding that his mouth was dry. The faces crowded around him. He could see lips moving but he couldn't understand the words. He took a step away from them, from all of it, and then...

“Ben!”

Luke’s sturdy and commanding voice broke through it all. Ben wouldn't hear it, he would not talk with him. Not now. That was his trigger to fly into a sprint. He cut through the bodies like a knife. Nobody stopped him, though he saw Vysera’s shadow be cast on the floor of the corridor behind him as he vanished from the room. His somehow fragile legs could hardly carry him, he skidded as he turned down the polished corners of the temple until he reached the howling winds and open air. He needed to watch it all vanish, just for a moment, he had to watch it be sucked into a distance that couldn't hurt him, that couldn't even touch him. It had to shrink away. He didn't count the steps, the thudding and skimming over the grass and the rocks of the ground. He tripped on a raised edge, tilting rapidly before catching himself. He didn't stop to recover, despite a twinge of pain in his ankle. He would continue on, and on, until this moment, this second could at least become another second lost to the past.

“Ben!”

Luke was a persistent man, and was fast, despite his age. Ben made himself deaf to even his calls. He felt hate for Luke most of all in that moment.

Darth Vader.

He halted from running only to brush an ever-flowing waterfall of tears from his eyes with his sleeves. He could not comfort himself with denial. He knew it was true. He had heard it before, dictated to him by the voice that he had tirelessly attempted to silence, knowing that he was helpless to do so. Such a voice, by the name of Snoke, had become entwined with his own thoughts. What difference was there? When Ben knew the truth, Snoke was there to enforce it.

He must have ran until he was two or three klicks away. Here, there was the shelter of thin trees and larger boulders. Here, it was silent. The planet’s scarlet sun was already starting to settle. Ben sat there, his head meeting his knees. His tears had run until they were dry. He could not understand why he wanted to cry further, yet he could not do so. He leant against the stony surface of a nearby rock. In the distance, he knew there lay a small pool. He had been here before, seeking that same comfort of silence. Why couldn't he cry anymore? Shouldn’t he be so utterly horrified? Shouldn’t he want to race back to the temple, back to his Uncle to ask for his help?

It was not despair that Ben felt anymore. It was the heated furnace of anger. He was disgusted, not at himself, being the grandson of the galaxy’s greatest monster, but at his parents, his Uncle. They did not think it wise to tell him? Because there was no use lying; they knew. They all knew of his darkness. Yet they would not even grant Ben the truth? The rest of the world would be informed through a mistake and Ben himself would be informed by his own darkness, by the voice of Snoke who he had so desperately attempted to disregard? Was this their love for their son and nephew?!

“Was it not as I have always told you?”

Ben leapt to his feet. He knew he would find nothing if he searched the surroundings. The light made even the green of the trees turn to the shades of fire. Ben’s hands made fists and the trembling of his legs spread up his body, down his arms to his hands until his fingers stretched outward once more. He reached, feeling the vibrations of the earth matching the vibrations of his fury.

“Can you see now?” The voice asked him softly, “How I am the only one who you have ever been able to trust?”

Ben’s teeth grit together. He thought of the tremors in his mother’s voice. He thought of her owl-like eyes. His father’s joking smirks and the toss of his head. He hadn't seen them in so long...

“My willing ears have always received you. My words have always guided you...”

Ben threw his arms in front of him, and the very earth ruptured and flaked around him, dislodging trees, rolling away the rocks with a fierce shudder and a roaring crackle. He wanted nothing more to be alone, and this is what he was granted?! Another visit? To gloat? To mock him?!

“LEAVE ME!” Ben begged the empty air.

“You must find pride in the truth you have learned.” Snoke’s hissing voice assured calmly. Unfazed completely by Ben’s show of destruction. “You are strong, young Solo.”

Ben watched the scarlet horizon make a final blaze, as the last light of day would soon melt away into nothing.

“We will talk further.” The voice promised. “Very soon.”

Ben expected nothing less. Such visits had grown routinely. Now that the truth was confirmed... perhaps they would be even more frequent.

He saw the appealing glitter of the water. The last light cast some droplets of red upon it. A dance of blood. He made his way there. He had little intention of spending the night at the temple. Not after... this. No longer would he be himself. No longer would the civilians of the galaxy know his mother, his uncle, as anything more than the spawn of the darkest man to have ever lived. Ben was Vader’s grandson. Now the galaxy knew as much and they would see as much whenever they looked at him. Now he knew it himself. He could speak it, he could scream it into empty air. That he belonged to this darkness, this Darth Vader, just as much as he might belong to the light.

The run had made him sweat. He removed his shirt, soaking it in the lake. It was too dark to see his own reflection. Early stars could be seen dotting the night sky. Ben had set alight his own small fire, fizzing and spitting nearby.

He wet his face with the dampened fabric, sitting upon the bank. That was when he spied the thin figure watching him. Hardly anyone could creep up on him without his notice...

“The night will get cold.” Vys said as a greeting, “and you will have done away with your shirt too soon when you’ll need it later.”

Ben scoffed. Even then, he rarely laughed, but she could draw it out of him, as easily as a morning could draw out birdsong. She came further into the light of the fire. She was very much like the fire itself; aglow, and rich and warm. Ben raised his hands to his face, drawing in a breath. Her hand was at his shoulder again.

He was surprised to realise that his weeping was returning, just as he had thought he'd been rid of it. She crawled closer to him as he lowered further to the ground. Her fingers wove into his hair.

“You won't leave me...” Ben murmured.

It was a question. He hadn't realised how afraid he was. He hadn't realised that he feared being left alone. His parents seemed to have left. Luke was his teacher and not his guardian. His peers were in training, and with this news some would surely hate him, but not her. He had to believe that she would never...

“Ben.” She cooed. She was gentle, even then, she was gentle when she wanted to be... “I'd have to lose my mind before I'd lose you.” She said. “If you think this makes a difference-“

“-that's just it.” Ben replied, raising himself. He attacked his tears and once more, they were gone. “That's just it!” How quickly his sorrow could convert to frantic frustration and insatiable anger. “It doesn't!” Ben continued. He stood up, pacing along the bank restlessly. “It was in me all along. I shouldn't... I shouldn't even be here! I'm not like them!” Ben argued. “I've never been my mother, or my father, or my uncle, don't you see?! I'm like... I am... HIM!”

A small silence. Ben took in a breath. He tried to steady himself. Vys had followed him until she was close again. Her arms outstretched. An offering. Ben fell into them. He hugged her. She was stable, as strong as a tree. Her strength deceptive when compared to her appearance, even then.

“You decide who you are.” She told him. There was no doubt in her voice, unlike Leia’s on the broadcast. “Don't you understand?!” She took his shoulders, holding his attention. Her eyes were shimmering embers. He stared into them, unable to look away. “You.” She emphasised. “You are the only one who decides what it means to be...”

To be Ben Solo?

“To be you.” She finished.

She held him close.

~

She held him close.

“Stop!” He cried out.

He could take no more. He was too weak to even struggle, which had done enough at least not to spur on her efforts, yet she would persist in simply... showing him these things! Like she believed he had forgotten!

No! She was the one to have forgotten! She had forgotten herself! She had manipulated him! Now both of them were locked here, and she would make them both relive these times, reaping a pleasure from it in comparison to this horrendous time that he could not fathom.

It was an odd sensation: not to be able to struggle. Acceptance was not in his nature. Perhaps he was in denial? He did not, after all, want to watch the bodies. He did not want to touch them. He could not protect them. They were no longer themselves.

He too, felt much like his life had abandoned him. That he might also be a shell, and that she possessed what was left. He would have believed it, if it weren't for two things:

The first was pain. Pain was a good tool to remind him that he was living. The blood from the wound in his knee had not yet ceased to stop it’s flow. He dabbed at it hopelessly with his palms, only spreading the liquid with his every touch. His other leg refused him outright. When he did not lie on the floor, he would crawl and haul himself upon the bed again. When the weariness had set in, his head was as heavy as brick. His laboured breathing added to this reminder: the reminder that he was living.

The second was Rey. His only will to fight followed his thoughts of her. The resistance had been her family more than his. He still found it difficult to stop staring at his mother’s face, yet he paradoxically could not bear to be in her presence any longer. He had tried to move her and the others with limited success. His limbs would not obey him, and Vys was additionally unhelpful as he was sure she delighted in her sick display, in watching him be trapped by the human bars of a cage that she had built.

Ben searched for Rey and found nothing, but his efforts didn't lessen. Even Vys could feel them. He was caught between the will to anger her by ignoring her various protests and her persuasion, as well as his tired fears. So much of the damage was already done, that he was sure he could not imagine worse… until…

A stillness.

Vys turned to look at him. Could she sense it too? Ben couldn't understand. What HURT him?! Why was it so painful?! Pain that took his voice away. Why did he feel that another hell waited? That this new pain, this loneliness, would be indescribable, -that it would be worse than he could even begin to imagine, even after this... this senseless massacre? He was paralysed and horrified, staring into a void that could not comprehend and begging it to be illusion. 

All this, in a fleeting second, as his eyes widened, and his skin paled. A note held captive in a distant ghost’s desperate cry, and then-

-He couldn't even scream.

There wasn't time. He felt something rip apart. Something was torn open in his flesh, leaving that hole, that gaping hole even wider than before, wide enough to swallow him into its midsts. Drowning! Drowned! gasping for air! It was only after he felt that safety line be struck, that precious line, that precious link between them be hit, as if with an axe blade, that he realised that his screams had struck up again. His broken voice was blazing through the ship despite him not hearing it at all. The sound of that severing was so much louder, an all-consuming, deafening, blistering sound, all before...

It was cut into silence.

“REY!”

Ben realised it was her name he was screaming.

In the name of the unseen hands that had brought them together…

All that was good, that was light, that was still shining, that still held hope, that promise, that love… lay bleeding on a distant planet. Broken by that... leather hand.

Her precious form split. His life. His treasure... she would bleed alone? Without his arms to even hold her? Without...

Without even a goodbye...?

No…

Agony. Torture...

He could not reach her. He could not even reach for her, there was nothing to reach for! HE COULD NOT REACH for his love!!! 

And she would never reach for him again... but die... in a cold, cold place.

He fell silent. Twitching on his bed. Haunted eyes... still searching. He searched for a pulse. He searched for a candle. He searched for a heartbeat...

But there was nothing. She was gone.

~

She turned, ready to position herself with her back to the cone of corpses, so that when the building power tethered to her hands: the tremendous humming, the vibrating force, would arc outwards - towards more targets. It was harder and harder to keep it contained, the power seemed to want to push her hands apart, to simply free flow across the room and leave in its wake a terrible and awesome decimation. It was tempting, so tempting. She'd never meant for this to happen - their appearance was so sudden! She felt perhaps that she was just as frightened as they were, a power she'd never known she possessed, could use... could access!

And then she saw him. Her eyes widened, the electricity snapping and crackling, fizzling away into nothing more than a memory. She'd... She'd completely forgotten about him. The ship.. The crash.. He bore the marks of the cost of his survival. Their gaze met, her heart felt as though it had frozen in her chest. No... No! She turned on her heel, meaning to bolt across the pile of corpses, to take herself to the cliff's edge, to feel the absence of solid ground under foot. She would not be his prisoner again! She would not surrender, in spite of the stacked odds against her.

She must have slipped, that must have accounted for that horrible sound. Possibly tripped on... She was on the ground, sprawled on her stomach, staring at the pile of troopers, her mouth working without a sound as she realized she hadn't gotten more than two steps from where she had been standing... Someone was screaming, she didn't know why. She tried to stand up, to move, to run. Flee. Her legs weren't obeying her... Her eyes rolled to the side. A stormtrooper had broken rank, running towards her, helmet ripped off, as he skidded towards her on his knees. LK! She couldn't think why she could possibly feel like smiling at time like this. Why did he look so upset? From his reaction, she felt as though she ought to be in tremendous pain, yet... She felt nothing at all.

"KR! NOOOO!!!!" He was sobbing, screaming, tearing something from his pouch. A canister. 

So frantic, so panicked! What on earth for? She tried to move her hand. Nothing. Her legs, her head... His panic was infectious. What was going on? Why couldn't she move? Why did he need the med-corp? It all seemed a bizarre twist of events for which she had no explanation. All she knew was that her world was shifting and pulling away from her.

"WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE?!" He screamed, his voice breaking as he tore the lid off the canister.

He was injecting that horrible gaping maw of ruin with foam to try to stabilize her condition - a shattered, bleeding mess of bone and viscera. Stop the bleeding... And... A horrible smell - loss of control over her internal organs. It did not deter him from his efforts; never had he been so thankful for the field medic training they'd all been forced to undergo. Hours and hours of lectures and vids suddenly had a purpose. He was whispering frantically to the girl who had shown him what it was to know joy. The long hours of patrol duty seemed painfully too short now with her bleeding out in a pile of gore and her own body's waste. He lifted a blood stained hand to the side of her face - though he desperately wanted to pull her to his chest, he dare not move her until the foam had set, lest the injury be worsened... Not.... That it could. It was all such a hideous mess! He turned his light eyes towards the towering form of their enraged emperor.

"YOU BASTARD!" He screamed his own fury - how dare he! How could he take away from him what he thought he'd lost forever - family?! 

KR-0117 had become to him what he had been stolen from. Family. A sister he could have had, but would never know. She'd been a good friend. An excellent listener. She was everything that was good! Better than they deserved, to have someone like her among their ranks! AND HE TOOK HER AWAY!!!!

"HOW COULD YOU?!" He sounded broken, bereft. 

He hadn't seen the med-corp arrive - a troop of them always followed major deployment. They stood awkwardly, offering salutes as they formed a half halo around the pair.

"Uh, Emperor, sir!" They stared down at the mess. "Body bag or stretcher?"

LK shook his head, his grief-ravaged face turning to pure rage, his hand had fallen to his hip, pulling his own blaster.

"YOU SICK FU-" He never got to finish his statement…


	70. Chapter 70

# ~

 

_ 'Rey!’ _

_ 'She can't be here - where are they? They're supposed to hide her!' _

 

Voices.

 

_ 'Oh, child! Rey, you've...' _

_ 'It's too soon. You're not supposed to be here!' _

 

She couldn't see - only hear the faint call of voices that felt... Familiar and yet she could not recall having ever heard them before.

 

_ 'You come from nothing. You're nothing!' _

_ 'But not to me.' _

 

_ 'I'll come back for you!' _

 

"I-I'm here!" She called, her voice small and frightened. "Ben?!" This voice, she knew, at least, knew it as surely as she would have known her own heartbeat if... If it had a beat at all.

 

_ ‘We have everything we need, right here....’ _

 

She felt only a spreading agony. Leia! Leia!!! Oh, no!

 

_ 'We have to get her out of here...' _

_ 'They're coming!' _

 

_ 'I know. I know it's you. Rey... Wait!' _

 

"Yes, Ben! It's me! I'm here!" She yelled. Why was it so dark?! Why couldn't she see? Why couldn't she move? Why couldn't she feel anything?

 

_ 'So what will you do? Will you end it?' _

 

Fear. She could feel fear. And abstract terror that had no real explanation, just... All consuming. The voices grew louder, more of them! His. Others.

 

_ 'You must be KR-0117.' _

_ 'You're early.' _

_ 'I’m not here as your General. And you're not here as my soldier. That is ridiculous considering these circumstances.' _

 

Hux. Why did she suddenly feel.... Pain? The phantom brush of something sinister, shades of red and gore. Anguish.

 

_ 'I know it's a vile business.' _

_ 'When you hear fate coming closer, sentiment won't save you.' _

_ 'Insolent girl.' _

_ 'I ought to....' _

 

"N-no! G...Go away!" She sobbed - distraught by her inability to flee. Bound by something she could neither see nor feel.

 

_ 'You don't have to do this.' _

_ 'Rey.... Thank you.' _

 

Her feelings wrenched violently between hope and despair. Ben... Home.... Her cries filled the darkness.

 

_ 'We can go further? It's okay. I'll show you.' _

_ 'I want to stay.' _

 

"Don't go! I'm here! Please stay, Ben! I'm right..." Where was she, truly? These... This was...

 

_ 'I never got to tell you...' _

_ '...I love you, too.' _

_ 'When this is over, I'll come back for you.' _

 

….Was that what this was? Memories. Her life. If she had breath, she was sure it would have caught in her chest.

 

_ 'I’ll apologise on behalf of the harsh words of my leader and my friend.' _

_ 'I'll hope perhaps to meet you on the dance floor nonetheless.' _

 

Poison. Danger! Rotten and broken!

 

_ 'Dance with me.' _

 

Vysera. The voice of death itself. She felt the realization cut deeply straight into her soul. This... Was death. Despair filled her, a sudden and violent rush as one's head pushed under the surface of dark water. Hope dissolved, the light....

 

_ 'This will be easier if you don't resist me' _

_ 'You wear his scent...' _

_ 'Did you think you had the privilege of being the first to love him?' _

 

Please, no! She screamed. A wordless howl of a broken, lost creature on the fringes of existence. She clung to one single thread, a precious strand. It was pulled perilously taught. A thin, fragile thing.

 

_ 'Rey. Rey! You have to ge--' _

 

Finn! It had been a warning. To flee. She was never supposed to be on Vorkenna...

 

_ 'You fascinate me, KR-0117.' _

_ 'I'm sure you've gathered as much.' _

_ 'As soon as I am sure that you despise me, you treat me with... ...with kindness.' _

 

"No..." A whisper. A fading light.

 

_ 'She's resistance! Have her arrested, NOW!' _

 

_ 'All this time! You.... LYING BITCH!' _

 

CS-9874....

 

_ 'It could all be yours, you know.' _

_ 'I'm going to give you a choice and I want you to... Think hard before you answer' _

_ 'Your position is simple. Either I will claim you, or death will.' _

 

She didn't want to go... Yet, here it was. The thread had snapped. Something had shattered. It had opened the gateway. The unbinding of her soul from the cage made of her own flesh. A body that refused to hold her, her spirit slipping from a gaping wound. The room... The troopers... All of it was slipping further and further away from her. She had failed Ben... Fallen prey to the very danger she had warned him about. A weakness in her nature that she had not been able to cure.

 

_ 'I'll come to you. We’ll do the rest together.' _

 

She ached. A weariness, a finality... She fought but it was a useless gesture. She had no control here, no power...

 

_ 'You have to go...' _

 

"Ben... I'll wait for you." She whispered. But, already, she could feel it all slipping away. She came from nothing and now, finally... She was to return to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You made it!!!
> 
> <3333 Thank you so much! ^_^
> 
> The journey continues....
> 
> Carry on, here!
> 
> Of an Empire, a Purer Rule:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18888220/chapters/44833888
> 
> Of Our Past, a Better Future:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18888418/chapters/44834416


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